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Hi Theresa,
Well done!!!! I love that you followed through and really looked at your relationship honestly.
So what are the next steps? Here is another exercise you can do as well, to help bring clarity for you. It’s called the non-negotiable list. The qualities on this list are NON-NEGOTIABLE. They are set in stone and immovable. The qualities you list are the qualities you REQUIRE in order to be happy and nourished and fulfilled in a relationship. These are not qualities you want…these are qualities you NEED. These are qualities that if the guy did not have, you KNOW it would not work long term, because you know you NEED every single quality on that list in order to be your best in relationship.
Here is an example….Romance is on my list. I CANNOT survive in a relationship if the guy does not enjoy being romantic. Active is on my list. I am a very active person and is how I spend a lot of my time for fun. I hike, I ride bikes, I go on long walks, I workout, I am involved in sports. It’s how I play and I LOVE it! Therefore, I will not ever be able to be with a guy who doesn’t enjoy being active and being outside.
Does this make sense?? I have spend YEARS refining my list as I learned more about myself. For example, I use to have Athletic (and played a sport and was good at it). But then as I got older and also dated guys who were not into sports but who were active, I realized that “Athletic” was not essential, but “Active” was.
Bottom line is, everything on my list has been tested and re-tested as I’ve grown. So…what is on my list today is VERY SOLID! Being that I have reached a phase in my life where I’m only interested in falling in love (not dating just for fun), everything on my list is at the forefront of my mind. Let’s say I had 10 things on that list….if a guy had 9 of those qualities, I would not date him. EVERY SINGLE QUALITY ON YOUR LIST IS NON_NEGOTIABLE!!! If you accept anything less than what is on your list, you are settling. Now…understand that you will write this list, but also may question some of the qualities. That’s where testing it out is important and learning about yourself is important. Remember, this is YOUR list and no one else’s!!! There are some women who would shake their heads at me for requiring romance. That’s okay! I know myself.
So to start, just write down what you think those qualities would be. Then….see how your ex matches up to those qualities
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Abby,
There are a lot of ways to respond to his stress about work. Here are some ideas: “I know you are so stressed. My heart goes out to you. Have you done anything for yourself today to help you deal with it?” or “I’m so sorry you are still feeling stressed. I have had seasons like that in my life too. Do you think it will end soon?” “I get it. I know how stressful your work can be. Have you ever thought about looking for a new job?” “I hear ya. To spend so much of your time and energy in a job that is really stressful…it’s just plain hard. I wish there was something I could do to help. If there is, let me know.”Does this help??? Good luck with the apartment!!!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
From what you said before, it sounds like you are a very loyal person. It is a wonderful quality to have. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses as well. Your loyalty is beautiful and amazing, but then you have to ask at what point is my loyalty hurting me? One of my greatest strengths is my ability to see and understand a situation on very deep levels. That also hurts me because many times in relationships, I need to just let things go vs. diving deep into EVERYTHING!!! That has caused harm before and I am very aware of it! So I just wanted to offer you this perspective. You obviously are still going to do what you feel is right for you, as you should. You have your own lessons to learn in all of this!
As far as making your life more exciting, I always like to learn something new to spice things up. A new language, a new hobby (maybe pottery, painting, a sport), you can join new groups (meetup.com is wonderful for that). Also going somewhere and seeing something totally different is always fun. Go spend the night in a new town and see what that town has to offer!
Maybe start taking dance lessons!There are a GAZILLION things to do to spice up your life. Just pick one and run with it!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Shannon! Wonderful! I’m glad you are figuring out a way to make it there with him. It’s an important statement you are making to him that you are willing to JOIN him in this process of growth.
I understand your life in the sense that everyone comes to you for their problems and that you are very self aware. My life is EXACTLY the same! I definitely grew up with an emotional intelligence beyond my years. With that being said, I still reached out to “experts.” I found that most were not very helpful, but the thing is, I kept looking until I found someone that was able to challenge me to the levels that my friends and family could not and it was AMAZING how my coach was able to help me in ways that no one else could…not even with all my self awareness. EVERYBODY would be well served to find someone to hold them accountable, to offer different perspectives, to help with healing hurt etc. It has made an incredible difference in my life and I will continue with a coach until I take my last breath. Give it shot. You might be surprised (or disappointed). Who knows! I understand you are crazy busy, so just keep this idea in your mind and when you have the energy to look for a coach or therapist, go for it! But for right now, I think it’s imperative that you join your guy and have some experiences with him. I’m super curious what you all will talk about as well!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Liga!
It’s okay! It’s a sweet message. It may have been a bit too intense for him, but I am wondering what his response was. Has he said anything in return? What makes you think it was a mistake?
Heidi
Tee! You are doing so amazing!!!!! Well done!
I want to give you a different perspective. Instead of wishing that you stopped caring so much about him (which isn’t realistic anyways), what about caring for your heart MORE than you care for him.
It’s no different than giving up and addiction. It’s intense and difficult. If you were giving up a substance, do you think it is doing any good to occasionally have a little taste of that substance? It actually is causing more harm than good. It’s not that you stop wanting the substance….it’s that you want something else more. When breaking up, it’s about wanting your heart to be cared for more than what he was able to offer you. You loving yourself MORE than your need to connect and get a “fix” is what needs to happen.
You still aren’t in enough pain yet to completely let go. You are still holding onto with hope…yes?
When I haven’t been able to disconnect, I will set a boundary and ask they don’t contact me anymore. It allows me to be able to move on and not get pulled in every time they text. If they don’t respect that boundary, I block their number. My healing is more important than them. But of course, getting to the point of asking them to stop contacting, is hard enough. THink about it though. Consider this may be the next step for your healing.
You will do that when you are ready. It’s okay if you aren’t ready for that too! Everyone has their own pace!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
Being friends or not is YOUR choice. When deciding who you want to let into your life, it’s always important to consider what kind of person they are. It also depends on the level of friendship you have. I had a good friend once who was cheating on his wife. He had no interest in changing what he was doing. Reality was, for me, was that I could not participate being in a friendship where I did not respect a person. I don’t have issues that he cheated and is human, but I do have issues with someone who is not interested in growing, healing and fixing their behaviors that are causing harm to others. It’s HIS life and HIS journey and I had to stay out of it. We discussed the situation a few times, but from that I realized he was NOT the kind of person I wanted in my life. My decision to disconnect was not out of anger or judgment, but out of respect that his path was different than mine and that was okay.
Some people may not care and that is okay too! I really is about YOU and what kind of life you create for yourself. I like to surround myself with people who are likeminded. It helps me expand, it helps me have support, it helps me enjoy my life more.
Reality is, you have lost respect for this guy and you are spending your energy trying to “save” these women. Is that really how you want to spend your day? Thinking about people that have nothing to do with you?
Your energy, your heart, your thoughts are valuable Cheruvu. If you really realized how valuable your energy really is, would you spend it on these people still?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
It sounds like you guys are progressing! There is movement forward and that is so important! WEll done!!!
Good for him for seeing a therapist! I would HIGHLY recommend that you schedule a time you can go WITH him. He is right…it isn’t the same if you are not in the room. Being in the room helps you practice talking to each other in person and working through these issue TOGETHER. I get that the appointment is an hour away, but that’s okay! Make it work! He is making these efforts to grow and he needs to same efforts from you as well. Even if you can only make it once a month, set up a time that you join him in person. It is important for him!
As far as you tearing up, of course! You haven’t processed all of the hurt about it yet. He has started seeing a therapist. What are you doing to help yourself through this??? Can you find a coach or therapist near you that you can talk with for yourself? Even if it’s for a few months, it can be extremely helpful to have a guide and someone you can talk with about what you are really thinking and feeling. Is this possible for you???
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
I too want to acknowledge your kind heart and your efforts to help the situation. It’s so difficult to watch someone play with other people’s heart and lives.
I am wondering, how is he your friend? What do you get from the friendship that keeps you connected to someone that you don’t respect and someone that you end up watching hurt other women? Have you thought about disconnecting and no longer being friends? I know you want to help, but he is not willing to listen nor change, so if you stay friends, that means you will just have to continue to be witness to his decisions and lifestyle. Is that something you feel okay doing? You cannot change him. These women also have their own challenges with low self esteem that they would be attracted to him in the first place. Any woman he crosses paths with, he is giving them a BIG GIFT by using them and hurting them. That pain they feel can help them start to fight for more in their lives. That pain and hurt they feel can be a GREAT motivator for change and to be more cautious in the future. Everybody involved has lessons to learn. Many times, the best and most powerful lessons to learn are through deep hurt. If your friend doesn’t hurt them, those ladies will just find someone else similar to go through this learning process with anyways right? So maybe instead of trying to prevent your friend from hurting those ladies, trust that those ladies need this experience with your friend in order to grow and learn.
And maybe your role in all of this is learning to honor yourself and only inviting people into your life as a friend, if they are the kind of people you can respect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
I get it. It does come in HUGE waves and that is very normal. You ARE healing and moving forward AND there are still a lot of emotions that are raw and unprocessed. Time does not always heal. What time does do, is help bury the hurt. A lot of people think they are “healed” because they don’t feel the hurt anymore, but many times, it’s just because over time their system buried the hurt. Then one day, something will happen and trigger all of those buried feelings and BOOM! An emotional catastrophe has occurred.
So as much as it’s important to fill your life with activity and friends, it is also CRUCIAL that you face your feelings as well. Of course you hate not being happy. BUT….imagine being comfortable while hurting. I know that is difficult to imagine, but the idea is, if you can embrace the feelings, let them come out and FEEL them vs. trying to NOT feel them because you hate how it feels….THEN you actually truly DO heal vs. let time bury all those feelings, only to come out again later. Does this make sense? The idea here is, when you are feeling heavy, angry, hurt, feeling like you were fooled…..FEEL them instead of trying to push it away. You want to TRANSFORM those heavier emotions into something different vs. letting it stay stuck. One technique I LOVE is to blow up a balloon. Every time you blow air into the balloon, imagine all of those heavy, angry, hurt feelings coming out of your body INTO the balloon. Then when it fills up, get a pin and pop it and imagine all those heavy feelings just disappearing. You can also write a letter to him. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel and about your anger and hurt. Say EVERYTHING you want to say…no filters….then go so somewhere beautiful, tie that letter to a handful of helium balloons and let it go…watch your letter float away into the sky. You can also write a letter and burn it in a trash can. You can turn on a recorder and talk into it as if you were telling him about how you felt. I did that with an ex that was an extremely difficult breakup. I did it every time I was in my car and it helped a TON!!! Just by talking into that recorder, I was moving my feelings from my head and heart into my voice and it helped me feel like I was emptying out. It was extremely helpful!!! If you don’t want to record, then maybe journal???
Can you think of other times in your life where you didn’t feel appreciated? Where you felt used? Where you felt blindsided?
Keep talking to us Rachel!!!
Heidi
Oh Tee! I am so sorry! You didn’t take a step back at all. It really is a normal part of the process. Sometimes people need to connect in again to get more information. It’s okay!
He obviously has some strong feelings and he is confused. Again, it’s back to him wanting YOU to value himself vs. him taking responsibility for his feelings. He wants YOU to fix how he is feeling and that is an ENDLESS pit! He is the only one who can fix what is going on inside of him.
You are partly in a funk again because he “slimed” you. It’s the middle of the night and he calls you and completely slams you with profanity and accusations without taking ANY responsibility for HIS part in the this design. Who wouldn’t feel bad after a conversation like that???? I’m glad he at least apologized the next morning. Regardless, you know how he is REALLY feeling and thinking about this whole thing. He is definitely behaving with a child-like mindset. He is just really hurting and I have no doubt he has MANY years of hurt and it’s just getting triggered right now. This hurt is good for him. Maybe this time he will do something about it and start to shift his mindset from victim to taking control of his life. It’s quite the process, but nonetheless, something that he needs to do so he can offer a healthy love.
Hang in there and keep breathing. YOU comfort YOU!!! Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be…there was no messup here….just you being a lady in love and doing very normal things. It’s all okay! Take a bath, cook an AMAZING dinner, watch a super cozy, feel good movie….do whatever you need to do to nourish your soul right now. It needs it! And most of all, be kind with your words to yourself. It will help you heal!
Heidi
Hi Tee,
I know it hurts so deeply. I get it and I wish there were a way around it. It just takes time and consistent effort / choices on a daily basis to create a different dream for you life. It’s hard work! I’m sad for him too. I’m sad he chooses to stay victim to that low self-esteem. I hope that someday he will do something about it!
Here is one of my very favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.”
It’s up to you as to whether you want to date or not. There are a lot of cons about that prospect, but it sounds like you are well connected to the dangers involved both to yourself and to others. Mostly, I have found that if someone can just focus on healing, they end up back on their feet sooooo much sooner than those that end up going out dating before they are ready. The dating is just a band-aid. I guide people towards creating other types of “distractions” from the hurt that are healthy. Go volunteer somewhere, maybe even with animals, watch movies where you are seeing the main character fall hard and figure out how to get back up on their feet (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun) find a new hobby like dancing, making pottery, leather making or find groups of people interested in the same things (go to meetup.com). Those kinds of things are activities that bring some fun into your life while letting your heart heal. Those activities will even actively help your healing process. Dating when you are not ready doesn’t have a good track record, but you can still go out and give it a shot. You will learn along the way whether it’s a good idea for you or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
That makes me sad that he has a wife. I wonder if she knows about his lifestyle.
He might have a sex addiction…who knows. Either way, he is addicted to something and obviously has not respect for women, so why would he have any respect for his wife and monogamy. He might be narcissistic where he believes and knows that he can do anything he wants and that’s that.
Again, to the girl that is “in love” with him, I would advise her to move on. There is NOTHING she can do to change him. I would question her idea of what love is to her. If she feels “in love” with a womanizer, a man who has no respect for female energy nor women and only uses them to please himself, then my guess is, she has never been role modeled what love really looks and feels like. She probably has been harmed, abandoned, rejected, betrayed etc. by her father or male role models (or lack thereof) in her life. Her perception of what love is, is jaded. It’s not real.
In order for love to grow, it needs 2 people actively participating in it. There is no possible way this womanizer man has the ability to love a woman, so the fact she is “in love” with him, but he isn’t with her….and yet she is still trying to get his attentions, she is not “in love.” I know it feels like that, but the truth is, the feelings she has for him has nothing to do with love. It has to do with her low self-esteem trying to get attention from an emotionally unavailable man. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. This girl does not love herself very much if she is chasing after a guy who thinks nothing of her.
What do you think about all of this??
Heidi
