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Hi Leta,
That’s also another approach and can definitely make sense.
Let me ask you this though….let’s take all the feelings out of it here and get very objective. Imagine you had a friend who said to you, “I want to keep in contact with a guy that I love, who is with another woman and miserable. He knows I love him and we had such an amazing connection, but he is still choosing this other woman. What should I do?”
I am wondering what you would tell your girlfriend.
What do you think about a guy who chooses to stay in a relationship where he is not happy over choosing to fight for his happiness and face his fears. What do you think it says about a guy who would rather be in chaos than to be alone and peaceful or with another woman who makes him feel amazing things?
Do you think this kind of guy has the ability to handle conflict well? Face fears in his life? Be a good leader in the relationship? Fight for the relationship to grow and expand and NOT SETTLE?
You say you are not ever going to settle, yet you are fighting for a guy who is settling in his life. Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who won’t settle either? Who will do what it takes to make sure he is happy in his life?
Just some thoughts…I would love to hear more of yours!!!
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
I understand all of what you are saying. You sound very independent and that you know who you are separate than a man. You know what it is like to be single and totally okay with that. Right now, you WANT to experience love and have children and that is what is most important for you. You feel READY.
I have felt that way so many times in my life. Whenever I am “wanting” or “desiring” something that I don’t have, that is an instant sign for me, that I am looking OUTSIDE of myself to fix whatever I am feeling INSIDE of myself.
Lets look at several statements you have made above just by themselves:
“I just want to find my “partner for life” and “I am already 32 and I don’t mean that I am too old now or that I won’t be able to start having kids at 35 for example, but there are no guarantees for any of that and I just feel ready now, and I WANT something like that to happen to me.. not get married but just finally meet “my person” now…” and then you say :
I feel kind of “tired” not finding that special person
“I am not saying that I won’t have any happy moments at all if I don’t or that I need someone to “complete” me, but I just want to have this other part too..”
“as much as I can understand it, I am not in this place because I feel that right now I need some other things in my life
He may have sensed your need to connect and build a life with him with a “needy” type of vibe. That may have even contributed to his desire to disconnect (and he may not even understand that fully and completely. He just knew it was time to end things. Guys can sense that kind of stuff without knowing they are sensing it.)
Every single one of these statements says, “I am not feeling complete and fulfilled in my life right now. I want more and I want a different experience.” If those desires were 100% pure curiosity and wanting to grow in life, they are healthy, clear desires. If they were clear desires, you would be saying things like, “I am interested in growing and living a life where I get to experience love on a deeper level with someone. I trust it will show up for me whenever it shows up. Either way, I am happy and feel content in my life.” However, if fear is involved in any level, then those desires get polluted. Your fear is about a belief that “I won’t be okay, happy, feel complete and wonderful if I don’t get to have children or find a man to share my love and life with.” That is the lie that you are giving energy to. And that lie, that belief, that fear is influencing your need to settle. You say you won’t settle, yet here you are trying to do everything you can to get the attention of a man who has turned his attentions elsewhere. That is settling. You are fighting for a man who won’t even fight for himself and sure isn’t fighting for you. Do the reasons really matter? Do you REALLY want to have to “activate” anything in a guy to inspire him to be with you? Don’t you want to be with a guy where it’s just NATURAL and EFFORTLESS for him to love you and build a life with you?
You are absolutely spot on Zoi. No one can guarantee anything in life. You don’t even know if you will be alive tomorrow right? If anything can happen at anytime, either positive or negative, why invest your energy in the “not having” side of things. Why not live your life as if all of your needs are going to met and you will end up having an incredible life, no matter what happens? YOU DO HAVE THAT ABILITY! No matter what happens in your life, you have the CHOICE of how you are going to handle it. You can feel empty and feel as if something is missing, or you can feel complete and in gratitude for the beauty you have in your life. So you could end up a single lady for another 20 years and brilliantly happy OR you could end up falling madly in love brilliantly happy. That’s where I would focus my attentions as it just feels better and can absolutely be true! Kick that fear to curb and tell it to take a hike. You are going to choose, NO MATTER WHAT shows up for you in your life, that you are going to be happy, feel fulfilled and love your life exactly as it shows up for you. When you feel this way and face your fear, it actually will draw a man to you….maybe even this guy. So that’s why I am taking you down this path. I want to encourage you to face your fear so that it doesn’t have influence on the design of your life.
Now, I understand that you still want to keep trying with this guy anyways. I get that too. So here are your choices. If you feel like you are ready to close the door and create closure, you can maybe say something like this, “I saw something the other day that reminded me of you and it made me smile. I just wanted you to know that the time we did have together was wonderful and a gift for me. Although it was short lived, I will always hold good memories about all of it. I just wanted to say thank you.”
This way, you are appreciating him, saying thank you and communicated that there is closure. What do you think?
As far as moving forward to keep the possibility open, my suggestion is to take the friend approach. Instead of trying activate something in him (that may not even be there), the safest way to find out is to just check in and see if he responds. If he feels that you are trying to get him back, he will take that you being “desperate” and run the other way. Instead, play it cool and help him feel that you are totally okay. Men LOVE to feel that around a woman. A man loves to feel a confident, strong, complete and whole woman. It’s something he just “feels” about her, so that’s the vibe you need to give off.
So let me ask you this….if you believed that you are a catch. You are the most amazing woman that would come across any man’s path. Any man is lucky to have you and create a family with you. If you fully and completely believed that, without hesitation, then what would you say to this guy? How would you create the next interaction with him?
Heidi
Hi Leta,
I misunderstood then. I thought he said he had a “girlfriend” which is what lead me to believe he was cheating. I am so glad you are solid in that you would rather be alone than to settle! That is such an important concept.
I would recommend to not contact him. You said you loved him and left the ball in his court. Let him hit the ball back. If you keep connecting and initiating, it won’t let him fully embrace and be in his “less than ideal” choice of this other woman. He needs to be miserable enough to make a different decision. If you keep popping in and making him feel happy and connected, he won’t feel his misery to it’s full extent. If he is going to choose this other woman for now, let him be in his decision fully and completely without connecting with you and splitting his energy / thoughts.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
It’s doesn’t mean he wasn’t “the one.” Truth is, there are many possibilities in life. There is no such thing as “the one.” There is not just 1 person on the entire earth who can be a good match for you. Reality is, there are choices. You guys crossed paths and could have had a long experience together. But that is where free will comes in and BOTH people have to decide to take that journey together. The potential was accessed, but he walked away. So it’s not silly AT ALL that you are so “hung” up on him. He was a person who activated some wonderful feelings inside of you. Another person will be able to activate those parts of you again at some point. But for now, it’s about you letting go of the dream you created around him and replacing it with a new dream for your life. And that dream can include a man who doesn’t let fear stop him from experiencing the fullness of life. This guy, as wonderful as he was…he is not willing to face his fear. If he won’t face his fears, then you would have eventually run into some major problems with him. He disconnects and runs away instead of facing it. That makes any challenge VERY difficult. He most likely would have left you high and dry, several times, as you faced challenges in life together. He would not have been a good “team” member. That is what he is showing you about who he is and how he handles stress.
It’s going to take time. When you have patience, kindness and gentleness with yourself, you will be able to have easier access to it for others….like the other bridesmaid.
Keep talking to us and telling us how you are feeling! It helps and we can keep encouraging you through this!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Being in a wedding is really difficult when you just lost your guy. I’m so sorry! He may be missing you and that’s why he looked at your snapchat. The thing is, he is not doing anything about it. He is not asking how you are doing, he is not initiating any connection, he is barely responding to your efforts. He is being pretty straightforward. For right now, his fear is so big that he is not going to face it. I have found over the years, that many times the people that run from the best situations, end up feeling the loss a ways down the road. When there is good distance from the situation, all of a sudden, all the feelings will hit the person about what they had done. Sometimes they go running back trying to repair the situation, sometimes it’s too late and sometimes, they just choose to live with it. I have a feeling, this is how he is going to respond. It’s going to take awhile for him to realize what a good situation he had with you. Maybe once he realizes it, he will come running back and be ready to hold onto you for dear life. Maybe not. What is important for you now is to truly accept that he is moving on and continue to heal your heart.
It’s painful. There is no doubt about that. It’s okay that you broke down and texted him. I’ve done that stuff a million times! lol. Like Kanya said…it all happens in waves. Some days you will feel okay and others, depression and sadness and heartache fill every second of your day. The fastest way to heal is to take very good care of yourself and keep reminding yourself that it’s over. If you keep holding onto hope, on any level, it will prevent you from moving forward and truly healing.
What kinds of things are you doing for yourself these days? HOw are you taking care of your heart? What kinds of fun activities are you doing? Are you hanging out with friends / family a lot?
Heidi
HI Genevieve!
I’m so sorry we missed your post and it’s taken so long to respond. After 15 years, most women would experience a dryness in that area. Our sexual energy, drive and anatomy is a type of systemic “muscle” so to speak. It needs to be used in order for it to work well. If you don’t use this system, it’s very easy for the body to shut down physically and emotionally. I have no doubt that the dryness is a symptom of menopause of course, but it also would be a symptom of some emotional shutdown.
I do suggest you seek professional help with your doctor and discuss these challenges as dryness is a common thing. I would also suggest for you to energetically begin to open up your emotional state to being intimate again. It’s kind of like “priming the pumps” to wake up your system.
What do you think? Does this resonate for you at all?
Heidi
Hi Leta,
I think that is a good idea. You really opened your heart to him by telling him that you love him. Now he has a choice to respond and do something about that, or not. However, like Kanya said, be cautious in that he was cheating by being with you. He could break it off with this other girl and hop into a relationship with you and then do the same to you in a year. That’s a big red flag to me, when someone is cheating. It’s one thing to admit to it, own it, get some help about it in order to understand yourself better so you don’t do it again. It’s another thing to cheat and then do nothing about it really and continue to move forward. The latter kind of person is pretty much guaranteed to cheat again and again and again. It’s their way of handling stress and getting their needs met. Just something to think about.
Keep us updated and let us know what ends up happening. How long do you plan to wait for him to respond?
Heidi
Hi Massimo!
I am so sorry! It sounds like there are many, many dynamics at play here and a lot of misunderstandings and confusion.
I love that you both are willing to get counseling and talking through this. Just because of that alone, I believe any situation can be redeemed, if agreed upon. BOTH people have to work at it though and it sounds like that is what is happening.
How old is your husband by the way? How old is this “damsel in distress?”
Since he communicated that when you left for England, he felt you didn’t care anymore, it sounds like he opened himself up for connection and that’s exactly what he got….in an unhealthy way.
The biggest challenge here is, if he is really going to choose to make it work with you, he has to let go of this other girl. There is no other way around it. I’m sure that as you both head into therapy, this will be discussed and he will have to make some very hard decisions. He cannot make his marriage work with you as long as he ties himself to her, in any way. He needs to fully and completely choose a life with you and his family, if you are going to grow and heal…plain and simple.
How do you feel the condition of your marriage was when you left to England? Did you enjoy being married to him? Were you happy? Did you like how your marriage was? Do you have a good understanding about why he is struggling so much? Is he open about it and willing to talk with you about what he is feeling?
He may not want you to go back to Italy because of the other girl. Keeping you both in separate countries allows him to have both of you and level of privacy with each of you. He also may be protecting you from her and the full truth of the situation. Who knows. If I wanted to fight for my marriage, I would create a way to be together in the same space. If it’s possible, maybe he could move to England. If not, you might want to consider going back to Italy and seeing what really is happening. That is something that your therapist can help you both decide together. Since you guys agreed to take that path, have you found someone to help? Has that process been started yet? If not, when and how do you plan to get started?
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
I want to address your very last statement first, because I feel this is a VERY important fear to address. Here is why….when a fear is big, it can drive us into situations that are not the best for us. For example, I am currently coaching a client through a breakup that was inevitable. I warned her in the very beginning that there were some really big red flags letting her know this guy was not going to go the distance with her. She went forward anyways, hoping she could change his mind. Why? Because she is TERRIFIED to be alone. She can’t stand the idea of it. So now, she is in an INCREDIBLE amount of pain because of how much of her heart she gave to him trying to get him to commit to a relationship.
I am wondering if your fear of not finding someone, is causing you to hold tight to this guy? I don’t want to discount that there WAS a connection, but he isn’t showing much, if any interest anymore. Are you holding on because you don’t want to be alone? Because you are afraid you feel this way again? I want you to think about it for a little bit. Is there a percentage you can come up with that identifies how much your fear is contributing to you holding onto this guy? Maybe 30%? Maybe 50%? Let us know. I’m curious what you sense as you start to ask yourself these questions!
Lastly, I am going to get personal with you here, because I feel that maybe it could help. I am in my 40’s and single. I have never been married. I have an absolutely delightful life! To tell you the truth, never in a million years did I EVER think I would be saying something like that. I have studied relationship and love and dating for over 2 decades! It’s an area of life that I have always been fascinated by and actually very good at. How in the world did I end up in my 40’s and not madly in love???? Who knows! All I know is that I am here now and I am totally and completely okay with it. Being alone is actually one of the most important things to be able to do, in order to have a healthy relationship. Why? Because you really get to know yourself. You get comfortable being silent, you get comfortable knowing what you like, how you design your day, how you design your playful time, how to get your needs met…ALL BY YOURSELF without having anyone help you. This is important because when you are able to feel whole and complete ALONE, then when you meet someone, they aren’t filling any of your holes or “completing” you or helping you avoid the feeling of aloneness. You want to be in a relationship where 2 people are fulfilled by themselves, so when they come together, they compliment each other vs. complete each other. Fear of being alone will drive you into wanting to find someone to connect with and have help you not feel alone. That means he is “completing” you vs. “complimenting” you. Does this make sense? So…with all of that being said, I’ve always taken the approach that my alone time is valuable. It gives me the opportunity to work on my baggage, face my fears and find joy in life, whether or not a man is involved. If I can truly say that I am happy and love my life, without a man, then I know I am right where I want to be. I am in control of my happiness, my peace, my joy and it’s not in the hands of anyone else. So by the time I meet a guy and fall in love, I will know how to take care of myself without putting all that responsibility of my happiness in HIS hands. That’s not his job! It’s my job.
I have been in love plenty of times throughout the years. It’s never the same with each person, however each time, it was intense and beautiful and each time, it was deeper for me as I grew more into myself. I have no doubt in my mind, that you will have the ability to connect even deeper with another man when you are ready. The kind of man that I explained in my earlier post DOES exist! I meet men like that all the time!!! They are romantic, connective, they communicate well, they are madly in love and treat their ladies very well….they totally exist!!!! The thing is, you have to be willing to fight for that. Right now, I am wondering if you are settling. If I told you there was a guy, just like I explained, waiting for you and you will meet him 2 years, would you keep fighting for this guy right now and trying to “change his mind?”
Heidi
Hi Tee!
Yes, you are overanalyzing, but that’s okay! Better to over analyze than to under analyze. It’s just your need to understand what is happening and that is pretty normal, especially when you are on a rollercoaster with someone.
So here are the basics. Everything you just wrote just verifies even more what he is doing. First, understand that the part of him that is TERRIFIED of relationship and doesn’t believe in them….will test you. Him saying to you, “I’m not the guy for you” was his way of sabotaging and proving to that part of himself that he is right. AND…the other part of him that DOES want a deep and amazing relationship with you, would want you to fight for him like crazy and prove him wrong. Truth be told, it’s not your job to make him feel better about his fears. He needs to face these fears head on and deal with them, otherwise he will just keep testing you and riding the rollercoaster.
Again, this has nothing to do with you. He doesn’t really believe he isn’t the guy for you. It’s just his low self esteem / fear talking. The best thing you can do is when he does say something like that, FIRST….recognize it’s just fear talking and has NOTHING to do with you. SECOND, you can say something like, “It’s okay that you don’t believe in relationships. They are a very risky thing and there is always a chance something won’t work out. AND there is a chance they will. I would rather choose to invest my thoughts in the chance they will work out, just because that feels better for me. You may not think you are the guy for me and that’s okay too. I know you are the guy for me and that’s why I am here with you today. For today, my hope is, for many, many more days and years, I get to feel as satisfied and wonderful and fulfilled as I feel with you today…and reality is, today is all we really have anyways….so TODAY, you are my guy and I wouldn’t have it any other way!”
Essentially, when he heads into that low self – esteem that is so fearful about the FUTURE, you want to bring him to the present moment and what is true RIGHT NOW. Don’t get wrapped up into his low self esteem games. See it for what it really is and work on understanding that isn’t not about you. This is VERY hard to do, but it’s also the truth. You reacting the way you did by saying you aren’t going to visit anymore…your low self esteem got triggered, so now you have 2 people in low self esteem, getting nowhere! So if you stay grounded in the truth, you can pretty easily find different ways to help him join you in that mindset vs. you joining him in his mindset.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Laniece,
I can see why you might be confused. It sounds like he is connecting and then disconnecting off and on. Do you have any idea why things are working out for you guys? Has he said to you why he is pulling away and becoming distant?
In regards to the 12 word text, did you send it exactly as it was written in this material, or did you make up a version of your own? Now, you need to find something he can help you with. Is there anything he is really good at? Fixing things, or helping you move some furniture or something? Is there any advice you can ask him about?
What is the current status? You said that you haven’t had sex and that isn’t like you guys? That confuses me because you are not together. So help me understand how you guys interact with each other.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This sounds like a bit of a confusing situation. In the beginning, was he very open about his feelings for you? Did he tell you how much he liked you and had feelings for you? Was he good at communicating his feelings about you?
Tell me a little more about his last relationship. You said he is still smitten with his ex? How do you know? In what way? What is their relationship like?
Do you have any clue at all, what happened on that camping trip that could have caused him to tip the scales towards being just friends?
Heidi
HI Tee!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story! Of course you are confused. Any emotional roller coaster is confusing for the person on the receiving end and also can be confusing for the person feeling it!
He is just scared. That’s all! It has nothing to do with you. He is feeling himself get closer and closer to you and that TERRIFIES him! That bond and connection is going against a belief he has that love / women are not safe. You cannot trust them. You are going to leave at some point. You are going to hurt him at some point. It sounds like it’s a pretty big fear. Again…it has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with his past experiences that he hasn’t let go of. It’s gonna take some time. You are going to need some patience. Hopefully he will face his fear about falling in love. Some people just aren’t willing to do that. Some people are.
The best thing you can do right now is to support him and just be light and easy as much as possible.
Maybe what you can do is suggest a plan. Maybe you can just say something like, “I understand you are scared. I understand the long distance thing is a challenge. I understand you have a part of you that fully and completely loves me and wants to be with me and then you have another part that has resistance to that. It’s okay. I accept you for all that you are. We don’t have to make any decisions about anything right now. How about for 3 months, we just hang out and NOT decide anything. We just keep being best friends and let “us” be “us” without overthinking anything. In 3 months, let’s have a romantic dinner and we can talk honestly about our thoughts and feelings about things and decide where to go from there. But for the 3 months, let’s just be ALL of whatever we want to be without any thought.”
I’m wondering if something like that will help him relax into his experiences with you, help him stay present and then set a time where you guys can talk about everything.
If this doesn’t feel comfortable for you, just simply letting him be on that rollercoaster ride and you stay grounded and solid. He is just scared, so the more you let him just be scared, not take it personally and just love him through his fear, without getting angry, without questioning him to death about it…but instead….just being that SOLID ground he can stand on while his emotions are having a battle right now. Imagine he is the tornado, you are the ground that keeps him grounded. He needs to go through his tornado storm…eventually it will calm down and you can be there, just letting him process however he needs to process. As long as he doesn’t feels safe to be himself and doesn’t feel any pressure from you, he might pass through this a little faster.
Does this make sense? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Wow! That is really, really confusing! I am so sorry! It’s heartbreaking AND frustrating because you have no answers as to what happened.
I had that happen to me once. It was with a male friend of mine. We were best friends for about 5 years….we lived in different states though, so our relationship was mostly over the phone with occasional visits. One day, he just disappeared. I called, left messages and never heard a word. Then I found his girlfriend on facebook and asked her is he was okay or in the hospital or something. She said he was great! So I texted him and said, “I understand now that you are okay and not dead somewhere. Therefore, you have until Sunday to contact me or the door on our friendship is closed and I will move on and no longer contact you. He contacted me Sunday morning. It was a 5 minute conversation of him accusing me of something I had no clue what he was talking about and he had no room in his mind to actually have a conversation.
I’m telling you this because in my experience, whenever people disappear out of the blue like that (I’ve coached a lot people through similar situations), there always is a reason. Something happened for him. Maybe he ran off with another woman, maybe he is physically hurt (although I imagine you would have heard by now), maybe he went to another country for a secret reason. I have no idea. It’s not you though. Whatever it is, it has to do with him. And truth be told, if it were something about you, then I would imagine, especially after knowing each other for so long, that he would feel comfortable talking to you about it.
I’m just so sorry. The disappearing act hurts quite a bit. It breaks deep trust in yourself (you feel fooled) and deep trust to allow someone else in.
Tell me more detail about what’s happened? Is there anything you can think of that would cause him to disappear like this? What was the condition of your relationship at the time? What kinds of messages have you sent him so far? Do you know for sure he is okay? Is he home and still functioning in his life like normal? Is there any information you can gather about how or what he is currently doing?
This will help us know how to better guide you. Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Chantal!
Of course you are nervous! Everything is kind of up in the air right now. You are just getting to know each other, so there is so much unfamiliar territory here.
I think the approach of what Kanya said is a good idea. You can even use this time to really reflect for yourself if he is the kind of guy you want to be with. The chemistry part is the easiest part. I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, a healthy relationship requires much more than just chemistry. Take these few weeks and really ask yourself “Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Can I hand my heart over to him and feel safe? Will he care for my heart in the way it deserves?” You have to IGNORE the chemistry. You need to look at him as a person you are wanting to be intimate with and let into your life. I don’t know what you learned about him while you were away, but that should be considered as well.
Then after a few weeks of not contacting him, you might have more clarity as far as the direction you would like to go.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
