Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Melissa,
I understand your frustration. Who wouldn’t feel disheartened?? Don’t let this jade you though. There are A LOT of guys out there that have integrity and that you can count on. This guy has something inside…a fear…anger or something from his past that is causing him to have this kind of disrespect towards you. It might be towards women in general or this might be a pattern he does with everybody. Either way, this kind of pattern makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get close to him. This pattern is designed to ruin relationship and keep people an arm’s distance away. He is not ready to be in a relationship. He is ready to just date and keep things on the surface.
This has nothing to do with you! These issues were there looooong before you ever came along! Regardless, it doesn’t change that it hurts on the receiving end. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Time to forgive and move on. What are your next steps???
heidi
Hi Miss N,
I know how hard this is. It hurts deeply to have someone you really love, walk away. He has been through a lot. I am wondering if he just needs some time to figure out who he is in this world as a free man now. For men, they have a very strong need to produce and provide. It’s very natural for them. Here he was wanting to get married and have a baby, which I’m sure he does, but he needs to figure out money, he needs to resolve whatever is in him so he can feel competent to be a father. My guess is, his low self esteem is getting in the way. If he was blaming you for cheating, just because you weren’t home when you said you would be, he definitely has a lot of insecurities. Those insecurities just get magnified in marriage and even MORE magnified when having a baby. He is scared and rightly so. He needs to figure out who he is and maybe his way of doing that, is to be alone. Bickering a lot is exhausting. Even though you guys always worked it out, it can wear on someone.
How about you take the approach of staying connected and building that friendship and trust with him. That is the foundation of any good relationship anyways! Instead of trying to get him to come home, focus on building good communication skills, focus on becoming better friends, focus on laying a solid foundation about the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. If you pressure him to come back, that will most likely push him away. If you accept his choice, still stay connected, then you guys can have some wonderful conversations just about life and what’s going on. Those types of conversations are crucial! I also love the relationship rewrite method! There are some GREAT ideas in there to help you understand how you can be a better partner. He is right to walk away if he isn’t happy. So the more you understand what that was about, the more it empowers you to do what you can to help create a more peaceful relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I always suggest having people practice what they are going to say. I like to practice in my car. It’s important to say it out loud. What’s interesting is as you say it out loud, sometimes you will discover other things you want to say as well. So the more you say, the more you become comfortable with your approach and really fine tune what is important for you vs. over-talking. Guys get soooooo confused MANY times trying to follow the train of thought for a woman. They think very differently, so to be the most effective, being concise and VERY clear with what you say is crucial. It will help make the conversation much more smooth.
Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way for you. Sometimes the most important lessons we learn in life happen because of being deeply hurt. That hurt is a gift. It helps you remember how to shift your approach. I’m glad you are able to see how to handle a situation differently in the future and how to take care of yourself better by being more cautious. Honestly, it sucks. I wish that it were possible to jump right in when there is a connection like that! It’s so much more fun that way. Instead, the more connection, the more cautious you need to be in order to make sure you seeing this person more clearly. That’s why I have a guy meet my friends, my dog, I expose him to MANY different scenarios, so I can see as many sides to him as possible. When strong feelings exist, it’s easy to miss things. If you have ways to be objective, it is helpful!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and challenges with us Debra!
Heidi
Hi Joan,
I find it interesting that he doesn’t want to sext with you, he doesn’t want to facetime with you when he is gone because he thinks he is being “checked up on.” An innocent man does not think that way. A guy who wants to connect with his women would be delighted to check in with her and have a chat. If a guy didn’t want to do that, most reasons would be because he has so much work to do….not because he thinks he is being checked up on. It’s NOT a communication gap Joan. It’s him having a guilty conscious and wanting his freedom. It’s quite normal for couples to FT when traveling. There is nothing weird with that. He may not have done any sex talk with this last incident, but he did immediately offer his location for her to come over. He didn’t share that information so she could come over for chat….to me, it’s worse. Sexting at least keeps distance, but the moment you tell your location and invite someone over, now the door is open. If she had shown up, he would have had sex with her.
I’m glad you had the strength to talk about this and how you are feeling. It sounds like it was a good conversation for you in that you got a lot more information and opened your eyes even further about who he is. I’m sorry it’s turning out this way. It hurts, especially when you thought things were getting stronger. Your idea of your relationship is being shattered and that is very painful.
So let me ask you this? What do you feel you need to think about? What information do you need to help you decide to leave? What information do you need to help you decide to stay? You are sitting on the fence and trying to process this, so sometimes what can help to create movement, in either direction, is figuring out what you need to know in order to jump off the fence and move in a direction.
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
What can happen is when our parents model for us how to exist in this world, that becomes a part of who we are as children. Also, as you show emotion as a child and then don’t get a response from your parent OR you get a negative response, it teaches the child to shut down their emotions so they don’t feel rejected or hurt. It’s what children do to survive the challenges in life (subconsciously of course). As we enter into adulthood, those same coping skills we developed to help us survive and handle our childhood, now start to hurt us as we try to create new relationships. This is where a lot of conflict and challenge can show up.
I imagine you want to feel more than you do, yes? Have you found your lack of emotion in relationship is causing a barrier somehow? Would love some examples!
Heidi
Hi Catherine!
Okay. So it sounds like there is good direction for the moment. So when you make a request you can say something like this:
“It’s time to talk about the “being late’ pattern again. I finally have admitted to myself that it’s a deal breaker for me. At the same time, I want to build a life with you. You are an incredible man and someone I want to keep in my life. Reality is though, when you don’t show up on time and when you don’t follow through on your word, I don’t trust your word and trust is a foundational need if a relationship is going to last. I’m only going to request this one last time. Would you be willing to see a coach or therapist to figure out what’s going on for you? I don’t mean just a few times, but be willing to really work on this area of your life until it’s resolved? I will work on it with you. I will work on myself as well and my patience and my acceptance. I know I am part of this equation and have my own work to do around it. Let’s fight for this. We have a great connection and I want it to keep growing. Will you join me on this?”
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Debra,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments? Where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
You said you “think” he is seeing a therapist. Maybe it’s important for you to find out for sure. If he is, it would be helpful for him to share with you what he is learning about himself and this issue. I would want to hear what the therapist is doing with him. What is the therapist saying, how is the therapist guiding him towards changing? what kinds of homework is the therapist wanting him to do and practice?
I think you will find more patience when you have more understanding about what is actually happening for him and EXACTLY what he is doing to change things. You say some things are changing, so what would be an example of that?
Lastly, this is a great opportunity for YOU to work on forgiveness. You are so easily triggered into frustration because there is still left over feelings about the past. If you want to stay and really work through this with him, forgiving him for his limitations is important. If it weren’t this issue, it would something else. There is ALWAYS something we have to deal with. So it’s up to you how much you want to fight for him. Maybe even think about what YOU are doing that is difficult for him to deal with in the relationship. It might help you find some compassion for his challenges when you connect to your own challenges and how hard it is to change a negative pattern.
You leaving him isn’t going to change anything for him. This is part of his daily living, whether you are there or not. It’s a pattern woven into every areas of his life. If he is seeing a therapist or someone who is actively helping him with this on a weekly basis, then he is doing what he can. If he isn’t seeing someone to help him with this, then maybe make that the next request.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I know the heartache all too well. You feel like a piece of you is just missing and it aches so deep. It’s only been 2 months. I know you think you should feel better by now, but it’s just not true, for this situation. Something very deep has been activated for you, in a very specific way. It’s just going to take more time.
Here is a tapping video for you. I do tapping all the time! It’s a WONDRFUL technique that can help move emotion. I suggest that before you start tapping, rate your feelings on a scale of 1-10. 10 is the most intense, 1 being barely intense. Then start tapping. Even if you only have a minute, do it for a minute. If you have 15 minutes, do it for 15 minutes. Each and every single time you do it, it moves the emotions. With something as intense as you are experiencing, it’s going to take some time and is not a magic bullet, but I will tell you, that every single time I’ve done tapping, I have been able to move the numbers 2-3 levels down from where I started. It can help you go from an 8 or 9 down to a 6. It will be able to help you function in your life better and not feel like you are drowning in sadness. You are going to make it through this. Get after this and tap as much as possible!
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I know how confusing this is! He said and did one thing and now did a complete 180 and ghosted.
I have 2 guesses as to why he did this, but you are ultimately right….you will never really know. It’s hard. I have personally dealt with ghosting as well as coached a TON of people through it. Since the online dating craze took hold of the dating scene, ghosting is the #1, very hurtful and frustrating behavior that has shown up. It’s so sad that it’s so common. The goal is to learn to love and accept yourself even though the other person isn’t. The goal is to learn to be comfortable in the middle of “not knowing what happened.” We all love to have closure. It helps us move on. It’s a whole different thing trying to move on when we don’t have closure, so it’s important for you to create closure for yourself.
The foundation of a solid relationship that is able to last, solely relies on how the couple treats each other in their worst. When stress shows up, do they talk? Do they treat each other with kindness? Do they treat themselves the same way? Are they respectful towards each other? If these qualities don’t exist in a relationship WHEN THINGS GET UNCOMFORTABLE OR STRESSFUL, then the relationship is on the path to separation at some point.
I understand you had a great connection with him and how hard that is to come by. However, connection is the easy part…it is not the whole part. You built this whole idea about who he is and created a wonderful story about a life and journey you could take together.
It’s hard to let go because you haven’t quite let go of the dream you created around him. You are missing a BIG part of the dream….he is someone who completely has dis-honored you and just bailed. He didn’t communicate, he didn’t create closure…instead he is just running away and leaving you to feel used and fooled. This is how he handles stress. This is the kind of person he is when he gets uncomfortable. Is this the kind of guy that is in your dream?
Instead of wishing to keep him in your life, get angry at him for how he has treated you! He pushed you aside and is behaving like a junior high little boy. At the very least, he could have just said, “I’m not ready.” He doesn’t deserve your heart. He doesn’t deserve your attentions. He doesn’t deserve friendship. That connection is great, but it needs time to build some substance behind it for it to become something real. He didn’t give it that time. He would rather just disappear and not care about how that affects you, than to be honest.
I realize I have taken the opposite approach here and played the devil’s advocate. I would love your thoughts on this.
Heidi
Hi Joan,
Thank you for giving such great detail! You are quite grounded and able to look at this situation with some incredible objectivity. It just tells me how much strength you have to be able to look at the truth. That is incredibly rare!!! When you think about being alone and the fear comes up….you remember what I am telling you about yourself. It doesn’t make the fear go away, because it won’t. The fear will be there regardless. It’s more about putting your fear in your “little red wagon” and moving forward anyways. Whatever decisions you make in life, the goal is to NOT allow the fear to decide for you. You don’t want to decide to stay with your guy because you are afraid to be alone. You want to stay with him, because you believe that this relationship can support you, nourish you, help you grow and give you an experience of love going deeper and deeper. You want to stay because you BELIEVE in the relationship. Again, the fear of being alone will be there, but you need to be in the driver’s seat and put fear in the back seat. You are in control, not the fear.
In regards to your guy, one of the most important things is that he is loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is. I have no doubt he has some wonderful sides to him, or you wouldn’t be with him. However, that is not where the deal breakers live. The deal breakers live on the not so pretty sides of us. I’m just going to reflect back to you what you have said.
Your top 3 non-negotiable qualities in a relationship: HONESTY, LOYALTY and COMMUNICATION. Those are great qualities to require. Let’s look at him. He is not any of those sometimes…and those “sometimes” is when it most needed:
1. He has not been honest about porn and sexting (I guarantee he does is more than you realize)
2. He has not been honest about his feelings in the relationship. He tells his friend instead.3. He is not loyal. He was more than willing to have sex with someone else.
4. He doesn’t communicate with you. He doesn’t tell you how he is REALLY feeling about himself and his life. A lot of what you know about him is by observation and putting the pieces of the puzzle together on your own.
The reality here is, you are wanting something from him that he will not be able to offer to you. These choices he is making and how he functions in a relationship is WHO HE IS. He functions this way because he has woundedness and low self esteem and a ton of fear…all of which are in the driver’s seat…not him. Therefore, he will continue to sabotage, he will continue to NOT communicate, he will continue to define his value by his external world. The only way to change any of that is to really start to look INSIDE and face what is going on. He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that will do that willingly. Who knows though…some people surprise me. Regardless….no matter what he says in that conversation you have with him, at the end of it, he will still be making the same choices in the future. He still won’t communicate, he still will talk to his friend even if you don’t want him to, he still will sext and look at porn and keep it a secret. If you stay, that means it’s important that you ACCEPT who you are choosing and what comes along with that. And that’s okay!!! There may be enough other wonderful things about the relationship that you are willing to know these things about him and take a journey with him anyways.
So before you enter into this conversation, it’s important for you to get VERY CLEAR about what you want from him. Even if her were to tell you the real truth and the “why” he did it and why he is unhappy in the relationship and you start to work on things, it will not change that it took him getting caught sexting and you confronting him as well as his friend telling you to “back off” to even find out that he has some challenges and needs not being met. So what do you want him to do about that? I know you will request for him to communicate to you, but reality is, people that don’t communicate do not, all of a sudden, start communicating. They have a HUGE fear around it.
If you want to stay, I suggest getting some thoughts in order about what kinds of ACTIONS you would like to see for the relationship to change in a more positive direction. Maybe you guys can go to a couples weekend workshop where you learn new skills to practice. Maybe you can go through an online program together…or even a go through a book together. Maybe he would be willing to see a coach or therapist or maybe you go together. If things are going to change, there needs to be action of some sort. Otherwise, you will circle back around into this same spot again at some point.
Lastly, you are not responsible for his needs. I LOVE that you sign up for all of these programs to learn how to be a better partner. It’s great to have some good skillsets! AND….him watching porn or sexting is not because you don’t have the right skillset to make him happier. It’s because HE doesn’t have the right skillset to make HIMSELF happier.
Okay…I have said a lot and it’s a lot of not very fun stuff to hear. I hope this was okay. I want to help you get very clear about the kind of person you are choosing and how to go about either facing your fear of being alone or staying with him but requiring some action.
Looking forward to your response.
Heidi
HI Emily!
I have no doubt that they would have zero clue that you would have interest in either of them. You are out on dates when they see you, they probably see you talking to lots of different people all of the time and there is nothing you have done to show either of them you are interested. Latin men LOVE blonds. I imagine you may already know that! Of course that is a generalization, but push comes to shove, if he likes you and you open the door a bit, I imagine he would figure out how to push the door open more. Most guys just need the signal and they take it the rest of the way. It’s part of how I “test” a guy. If I send out the signal and he doesn’t have the strength to respond, even if he likes me, then he is not my type. I need a guy who goes after what he wants and has that kind of confidence.
So maybe if they go to the next even you invited them to, flirt a bit and see what happens!
This is so interesting and fun! Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Joan!
I’m glad he is responding and talking with you. That’s definitely a good start!
The first thing I want you to do is not attach his choices to “love” or lack thereof. People say things like “If he loved me, he wouldn’t do this” and it’s actually rarely true. It’s actually about loving HIMSELF. If he loved himself, he would take care of himself, his life and protect all of it and care for it in a way that is valuable. He made a choice that was contrary to that. He made a choice that was not caring or protecting the world and life HE created. He was sabotaging. Why? Only he can answer that. It’s not uncommon that people sabotage BECAUSE they are falling in love. It scares the crap out of them, so they sabotage it (unknowingly of course). He may not even not the CORE reason behind what he did. It takes someone who has a high emotional intelligence to understand their symptoms of being “off” and what the core root issues are. My guess is, he may only be connected to a surface reason for what he did. My guess is, this is NOT the first time this has happened either with you or other women he has been in relationship with. My guess is, this is a pattern….how frequently? Only he knows the honest answer to that and I doubt he would tell you. This is about HIM and not you. This is about whatever he is dealing with and not about whether or not he loves you.
It’s also VERY important that you are clear about what you need from him in order to feel okay about moving forward. If you feel okay with just talking about it and him apologizing, then that’s all you need. Make sure you really let it go though! No holding this over his head! If you feel like you need him to really explore his behavior further, then what would you like him to do?
As far as how to respond to how he feels, all you need to do is listen. Understand that whatever is being taught in a course is ONE way that works, not THE way. Not everyone responds and that’s normal. So what I coach people to do is to have SEVERAL skills to pull from and in any given situation, 1 of them is bound to hit the mark. The basic way I coach people through “challenge” is to LISTEN, then VALIDATE, then ASK QUESTION AND GET CURIOUS, then PROBLEM SOLVE. Following it in this order is crucial. Most people like to problem solve first and that can really cause discord. Listen first and then let him know you hear him, understand what he is saying and ask more questions about it. Ask for specific examples. Ask how long he has been feeling this way. Then you head into problem solving. You can ask what he would like you to do instead.
And lastly, his friend needs to STAY OUT of your relationship. Do not go to him for any more conversations about your guy. First, understand he is speaking from HIS perspective. He could very easily be mis-interpreting your guy’s words and feelings. Second, you need to be hearing from your guy how he is feeling, not his friend. It’s childish what they are doing. It’s having your friend tell the girlfriend instead of being a grown up. That’s what junior high kids do….not grown adults. So make sure that you let him know that his friend is no longer a source for you. You want to hear how HE feels from his own mouth and no one else’s. If he really is feeling everything that his friend told you, then there obviously is a HUGE communication problem here. He is not being honest nor authentic with how he is feeling about your relationship. He is leaving you in the dark, all the while you are taking courses to learn how to be a better partner. This may be a big part of why he would rather cheat. Maybe you guys would consider some coaching or therapy for 6 months or so and learn some skills TOGETHER.
I gave you a lot….hope it’s not too much!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine!
Of course you are frustrated! When there is no trust of his word, then there is no relationship. I know you might say that you trust him in other areas, but this is a biggie. This is about integrity, not just being late all of the time.
There are MANY things that could be contributing to this behavior.
1. It could be a form of procrastination, which usually is a symptom of HIDDEN anger. This operates under the belief that “I never got what I wanted and they (i.e. parents, teacher etc.) were never there for me, so I am not going to be there for other people.” So being late is a way of “withholding” from people. Now understand, this type of thinking is usually VERY buried and the person has NO CLUE about their anger…that’s why it’s referred to as HIDDEN anger.
2. It could be narcissism. He might operate under the belief that what he is doing needs to happen and is more important that being there for you. His needs before yours….he can always just apologize and everything will be okay. You will get over it.
3. Sometimes there really are personalities that just are not connected to time and structure. Kind of like “island time.” It’s a cultural thing. Island people run on their own schedules. It’s more chill, relaxed and non structured. However, you typically see this characteristic in other parts of their lives. They are just chill people in general, have little structure in their lives and a very “go with the flow” kind of personality.
I’m curious about his response when you broke it off and told him the reason. Did he just agree or did he try to convince you he will change???
Lastly, this is a SERIOUS issue. This is not something little. This pattern of his is getting in the way of relationship and is going to take TIME. 1 session with a therapist does not change anything. He needs EXTENDED therapy in order to really get to the root cause of how and why he designs his day the way he does. Is it just with you or does he have issues of being on time in all areas of his life?
A therapist needs A LOT of time to get to the deeper layers. So you have a choice. You can stay in it and maybe adapt by telling him to meet you at 5 when it really is 6, you can request for him to go back to counseling or you can part ways again.
What do you think?
Heidi
