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Hi Cheruvu,
Being friends or not is YOUR choice. When deciding who you want to let into your life, it’s always important to consider what kind of person they are. It also depends on the level of friendship you have. I had a good friend once who was cheating on his wife. He had no interest in changing what he was doing. Reality was, for me, was that I could not participate being in a friendship where I did not respect a person. I don’t have issues that he cheated and is human, but I do have issues with someone who is not interested in growing, healing and fixing their behaviors that are causing harm to others. It’s HIS life and HIS journey and I had to stay out of it. We discussed the situation a few times, but from that I realized he was NOT the kind of person I wanted in my life. My decision to disconnect was not out of anger or judgment, but out of respect that his path was different than mine and that was okay.
Some people may not care and that is okay too! I really is about YOU and what kind of life you create for yourself. I like to surround myself with people who are likeminded. It helps me expand, it helps me have support, it helps me enjoy my life more.
Reality is, you have lost respect for this guy and you are spending your energy trying to “save” these women. Is that really how you want to spend your day? Thinking about people that have nothing to do with you?
Your energy, your heart, your thoughts are valuable Cheruvu. If you really realized how valuable your energy really is, would you spend it on these people still?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
It sounds like you guys are progressing! There is movement forward and that is so important! WEll done!!!
Good for him for seeing a therapist! I would HIGHLY recommend that you schedule a time you can go WITH him. He is right…it isn’t the same if you are not in the room. Being in the room helps you practice talking to each other in person and working through these issue TOGETHER. I get that the appointment is an hour away, but that’s okay! Make it work! He is making these efforts to grow and he needs to same efforts from you as well. Even if you can only make it once a month, set up a time that you join him in person. It is important for him!
As far as you tearing up, of course! You haven’t processed all of the hurt about it yet. He has started seeing a therapist. What are you doing to help yourself through this??? Can you find a coach or therapist near you that you can talk with for yourself? Even if it’s for a few months, it can be extremely helpful to have a guide and someone you can talk with about what you are really thinking and feeling. Is this possible for you???
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
I too want to acknowledge your kind heart and your efforts to help the situation. It’s so difficult to watch someone play with other people’s heart and lives.
I am wondering, how is he your friend? What do you get from the friendship that keeps you connected to someone that you don’t respect and someone that you end up watching hurt other women? Have you thought about disconnecting and no longer being friends? I know you want to help, but he is not willing to listen nor change, so if you stay friends, that means you will just have to continue to be witness to his decisions and lifestyle. Is that something you feel okay doing? You cannot change him. These women also have their own challenges with low self esteem that they would be attracted to him in the first place. Any woman he crosses paths with, he is giving them a BIG GIFT by using them and hurting them. That pain they feel can help them start to fight for more in their lives. That pain and hurt they feel can be a GREAT motivator for change and to be more cautious in the future. Everybody involved has lessons to learn. Many times, the best and most powerful lessons to learn are through deep hurt. If your friend doesn’t hurt them, those ladies will just find someone else similar to go through this learning process with anyways right? So maybe instead of trying to prevent your friend from hurting those ladies, trust that those ladies need this experience with your friend in order to grow and learn.
And maybe your role in all of this is learning to honor yourself and only inviting people into your life as a friend, if they are the kind of people you can respect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
I get it. It does come in HUGE waves and that is very normal. You ARE healing and moving forward AND there are still a lot of emotions that are raw and unprocessed. Time does not always heal. What time does do, is help bury the hurt. A lot of people think they are “healed” because they don’t feel the hurt anymore, but many times, it’s just because over time their system buried the hurt. Then one day, something will happen and trigger all of those buried feelings and BOOM! An emotional catastrophe has occurred.
So as much as it’s important to fill your life with activity and friends, it is also CRUCIAL that you face your feelings as well. Of course you hate not being happy. BUT….imagine being comfortable while hurting. I know that is difficult to imagine, but the idea is, if you can embrace the feelings, let them come out and FEEL them vs. trying to NOT feel them because you hate how it feels….THEN you actually truly DO heal vs. let time bury all those feelings, only to come out again later. Does this make sense? The idea here is, when you are feeling heavy, angry, hurt, feeling like you were fooled…..FEEL them instead of trying to push it away. You want to TRANSFORM those heavier emotions into something different vs. letting it stay stuck. One technique I LOVE is to blow up a balloon. Every time you blow air into the balloon, imagine all of those heavy, angry, hurt feelings coming out of your body INTO the balloon. Then when it fills up, get a pin and pop it and imagine all those heavy feelings just disappearing. You can also write a letter to him. Tell him EXACTLY how you feel and about your anger and hurt. Say EVERYTHING you want to say…no filters….then go so somewhere beautiful, tie that letter to a handful of helium balloons and let it go…watch your letter float away into the sky. You can also write a letter and burn it in a trash can. You can turn on a recorder and talk into it as if you were telling him about how you felt. I did that with an ex that was an extremely difficult breakup. I did it every time I was in my car and it helped a TON!!! Just by talking into that recorder, I was moving my feelings from my head and heart into my voice and it helped me feel like I was emptying out. It was extremely helpful!!! If you don’t want to record, then maybe journal???
Can you think of other times in your life where you didn’t feel appreciated? Where you felt used? Where you felt blindsided?
Keep talking to us Rachel!!!
Heidi
Oh Tee! I am so sorry! You didn’t take a step back at all. It really is a normal part of the process. Sometimes people need to connect in again to get more information. It’s okay!
He obviously has some strong feelings and he is confused. Again, it’s back to him wanting YOU to value himself vs. him taking responsibility for his feelings. He wants YOU to fix how he is feeling and that is an ENDLESS pit! He is the only one who can fix what is going on inside of him.
You are partly in a funk again because he “slimed” you. It’s the middle of the night and he calls you and completely slams you with profanity and accusations without taking ANY responsibility for HIS part in the this design. Who wouldn’t feel bad after a conversation like that???? I’m glad he at least apologized the next morning. Regardless, you know how he is REALLY feeling and thinking about this whole thing. He is definitely behaving with a child-like mindset. He is just really hurting and I have no doubt he has MANY years of hurt and it’s just getting triggered right now. This hurt is good for him. Maybe this time he will do something about it and start to shift his mindset from victim to taking control of his life. It’s quite the process, but nonetheless, something that he needs to do so he can offer a healthy love.
Hang in there and keep breathing. YOU comfort YOU!!! Be kind to yourself. You are exactly where you need to be…there was no messup here….just you being a lady in love and doing very normal things. It’s all okay! Take a bath, cook an AMAZING dinner, watch a super cozy, feel good movie….do whatever you need to do to nourish your soul right now. It needs it! And most of all, be kind with your words to yourself. It will help you heal!
Heidi
Hi Tee,
I know it hurts so deeply. I get it and I wish there were a way around it. It just takes time and consistent effort / choices on a daily basis to create a different dream for you life. It’s hard work! I’m sad for him too. I’m sad he chooses to stay victim to that low self-esteem. I hope that someday he will do something about it!
Here is one of my very favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.”
It’s up to you as to whether you want to date or not. There are a lot of cons about that prospect, but it sounds like you are well connected to the dangers involved both to yourself and to others. Mostly, I have found that if someone can just focus on healing, they end up back on their feet sooooo much sooner than those that end up going out dating before they are ready. The dating is just a band-aid. I guide people towards creating other types of “distractions” from the hurt that are healthy. Go volunteer somewhere, maybe even with animals, watch movies where you are seeing the main character fall hard and figure out how to get back up on their feet (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun) find a new hobby like dancing, making pottery, leather making or find groups of people interested in the same things (go to meetup.com). Those kinds of things are activities that bring some fun into your life while letting your heart heal. Those activities will even actively help your healing process. Dating when you are not ready doesn’t have a good track record, but you can still go out and give it a shot. You will learn along the way whether it’s a good idea for you or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
That makes me sad that he has a wife. I wonder if she knows about his lifestyle.
He might have a sex addiction…who knows. Either way, he is addicted to something and obviously has not respect for women, so why would he have any respect for his wife and monogamy. He might be narcissistic where he believes and knows that he can do anything he wants and that’s that.
Again, to the girl that is “in love” with him, I would advise her to move on. There is NOTHING she can do to change him. I would question her idea of what love is to her. If she feels “in love” with a womanizer, a man who has no respect for female energy nor women and only uses them to please himself, then my guess is, she has never been role modeled what love really looks and feels like. She probably has been harmed, abandoned, rejected, betrayed etc. by her father or male role models (or lack thereof) in her life. Her perception of what love is, is jaded. It’s not real.
In order for love to grow, it needs 2 people actively participating in it. There is no possible way this womanizer man has the ability to love a woman, so the fact she is “in love” with him, but he isn’t with her….and yet she is still trying to get his attentions, she is not “in love.” I know it feels like that, but the truth is, the feelings she has for him has nothing to do with love. It has to do with her low self-esteem trying to get attention from an emotionally unavailable man. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. This girl does not love herself very much if she is chasing after a guy who thinks nothing of her.
What do you think about all of this??
Heidi
Hi Shannon….I wanted to check in and see how you are doing and feeling….any new thoughts and feelings? Any new developments???
Heidi
Hi Theresa!
Thank you for more information. This is helpful!!!
Let me ask you this….I know you love him and want to be with him. I’m curious, those differences are pretty big differences in how you live your lives. Did those differences bother you at all?
There is one thing I am wondering here….you said he likes to work and you would rather spend time with him than to work. This may have been a big reason why he is creating some distance. If you wanted to spend time with him all the time, for a guy, that creates A LOT of pressure!
It is very NORMAL for a man to want to work instead of spend his time with his woman. It’s a natural and normal instinct for man. They NEED to work to feel balanced. They NEED to work and “produce” something in order to feel purposeful and useful in their life. For women, we are quite the opposite. We LOVE relationship and connection! Working is not near as important as having a good relationship with someone. Most of the time, a woman will choose a relationship over working! Reality is, that is a very big difference in how men and women operate on a basic level. I am wondering if you pressured him a lot to hang out with you? Did you have your own friends and activities separate than him?
Heidi
Hi Elena!
Lots of things are coming up for you!!! yayayaya! And for him as well. He says he is feeling better and doesn’t need a therapist and then at the same time, he is craving the touch and intimacy and feeling alone. All these different things are coming up for BOTH of you because you BOTH have taken away the things that keep them suppressed. For you, your intimate relationship with him suppressed all that you are going through now and for him….him being in relationship with you and the other ladies, suppressed what’s coming up for him. It’s all very normal and there are MANY layers that will now have permission to reveal themselves. As long as you keep facing what comes up, healing will continue to occur. I agree that you are not the person to be what he needs. He needs to feel all of that and sit in the middle of it and face it. It’s important. He needs to be able to resolve and come into relationship with all that he is feeling. If he finds someone to take care of him and relieve him of his aloneness, then he will never truly learn about himself nor connect to that part of himself that so desperately needs his love and attention.
As far as your sexual energy is concerned, I want to slow you waaaaaaay down and invite you to sit with it and not take any action…especially towards Tinder. When you get cravings like that, it can get very strong and then lead you into situations with a guy that can actually be quite damaging. You are finally starting to value yourself and connect to your amazingness. This sexual energy can lead you into having 1 night stands with guys that will not care about you…therefore you are then exposing yourself to what you have been trying to free yourself from.
Believe me, I know how you are feeling and there are ways to work WITH that energy WITHOUT using a man to express it….and truth be told, it sometimes can make it worse. (talking from experience here). So…BEFORE you decide to let that energy loose on a man, explore it further with just yourself. Journal about it, search for the source of where it’s coming from, masturbate, connect to this sexual energy through your own avenues. It’s an amazing way to connect with yourself and get to know yourself. Its kind, it’s loving, it’s honoring to your very precious and sacred heart/body. Going on Tinder dates and unleashing that energy with a guy you barely know….that is not kind and loving to your heart/body.
So just think about this for a bit….take some time.
What are your thoughts?
Wow! You are in Australia????
Heidi
We are happy to help! Thank you for trusting us with your challenges. Please keep in touch! We are here for you, even if you need to vent and just let some stuff out!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
Thank you for your questions!
I’m curious….how often does he go to bars and pick up women? How old is he?
Heidi
HI Cheruvu,
Yes, you are correct. There is no end point or change for him. He will ALWAYS be this way unless something majorly traumatic happens for him (maybe a near death experience) which causes him to re-evaluate his life path OR if he decides he wants to get help.
It’s like an addiction. The attention, the sex, the whole experience for womanizer is addicting. They don’t know who they are without those experiences and they won’t stop as long as people keep playing along.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Would you mind posting this on your very own so it is a subject all on its own? It’s much easier for us to make sure everyone gets guidance when they all have their own subjects and posts.
I just have a few questions as well, so if you could include those details in the new post as well, that would be great!
If I understand correctly, he does not live there? He has the type of job where he travels all over? Or he just travels to the job that is local for you and you guys hook up? How often do you end up seeing other? Is he the one that initiates contact when he comes to town? Is there any communication between visits? How long were you dating before he pulled away? Is there anything you can think of that happened that might be a reason he distanced himself?
Thanks Pamela!!!
Hi Rachel,
I sure wish there was a way around heartbreak so it didn’t hurt so much. Relationships are ALWAYS a risk. The best you can do is to set your standards and really stick to them. When you know what you deserve and require from a person, the odds are in your favor for it lasting a long a time!
The holidays can be challenging. One thing I have found that has helped me a TON in the past, was that on those special days where I would have been with him and his family, I instead volunteered somewhere. By giving and helping others or animals, it filled me up soooooo much that I ended up really enjoying myself. Keep that in mind!
You are doing a great job! Keep filling yourself up with fun, support and giving yourself time to keep healing. It’s going to take awhile, but each time you laugh, each time you cry and release emotions, each time you make a solid decision to move forward, you heal another part of yourself. Before you know it, you will realize it’s been a whole week since you thought about him! And you realize you really are okay without him and don’t miss him as much. You will get there!!! Keep working for it!!!
Heidi
