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Hi Shannon!
It sounds like he is starting to open up to you more. The things he is saying sound likes he is having the strength to be more honest with you. You say it is “sweet” but I am wondering what you really felt? To be honest, it sounds like you maybe are not trusting what he is saying? It sounds like you didn’t fully and completely absorb what he was really sharing with you. I could be wrong, so share with me about how those moments impacted you…or not…
heidi
Hi Abby,
I understand how you are feeling. There really is a point that you just can’t do anything more. The ball is in his court and if he doesn’t hit back, that is about HIS own issues of which you cannot fix. His issues are for him to fix.
If you are ready to create some closure, I like suggesting something to this affect:
“Hi GE. I admit that I am at a loss. I have tried everything I can think of to fix whatever is happening. I don’t know what else to do. You are not responding and that’s okay. It makes me sad, but it’s something I also have come to finally accept. I was hoping to create some resolution and learn from whatever is happening, but I can only do that with someone who is interested in the same thing. Your lack of response is telling me we are not on the same page anymore. I have finally come to a place where I can honor and respect your choice, therefore I am no longer going to contact you. I really wish you the best in everything you are doing. Maybe someday we can go to happy hour or something and re-connect, even if just as friends. My door is always open to that! Take care.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Tee,
Wow….a lot is happening isn’t it???
First, I understand the “male” perspective for the most part. I grew up with 2 brothers and 5 boys down the street. I was constantly surrounded by them….and of course all throughout my life, I had more male friends than female friends, because I was just more comfortable with the “boys.” Man did I hear ALL KINDS OF THINGS about what guys think and feel. It’s funny really! Truth be told, more people than not, have opinions about love and dating with VERY LITTLE deep understanding or self awareness of how their own personal issues pollute their opinions. I hardly listen to people’s opinions about love and dating unless they have really researched it, self-explored and seek to deeply understand all the dynamics.
So with that being said, I understand all the differing viewpoints and how that can be confusing!!! First and foremost, YOUR heart is what matters most here. YOU are the only one who knows what you need in order to feel safe in a relationship. My guess is, part of why you have so many walls up is because you are so sensitive. I’m gonna guess that you feel things VERY intensely. Therefore, when someone doesn’t respond to you well or judges you about how you are feeling or thinking, it’s hard for you to stay separate than their judgment and still hold to your truth. It sounds like other people’s opinions have A LOT of power in your life. Is that correct??
The stronger you become inside, the more those walls can come down. The walls essentially are saying, “I don’t trust myself to be able to handle whatever shows up in my life.” Once you build your relationship with yourself and have a very solid knowing of who you are, regardless of what other people think….THEN you will be able to feel more comfortable risking and trusting your ability to be resilient!
Does this make sense??
Basically, someone can judge you all they want, but it won’t affect you if you solidly believe otherwise. Let’s say you 100% believe the sky is blue. You have no doubt and would even bet your life on it. Then someone comes along and says no…the sky is purple. And you could argue about it, but reality is, that person’s viewpoint just doesn’t affect you because you KNOW the sky is blue…without a doubt. In your life, because you don’t feel solid about your truth, yourself, your opinions, your choices….when someone else comes along and has a different viewpoint and judges you….it hurts like crazy and is super uncomfortable! But if you were more solid…those judgments might feel like a scratch, but that’s about it. If it feels more than that, then the gift is that it is showing you where some of your “holes” or “fault lines” are in your relationship with yourself. It just shows you areas you can keep working on healing inside of yourself.I’ve said a lot, so let me know what you think first, before we continue forward!
Heidi
Hi Liga!
I know how hard that will be. I’ve gone through it myself. Reality is, by creating distance, he will either want to start initiating and connecting more or he will disconnect further. It gives you the kind of information you need so YOU can decide what you are willing to deal with. If he disconnects further, do you really want to be chasing a guy who isn’t that interested? NO WAY!!! You want to be with a guy who will jump at the opportunity to connect with you! If he ends up chasing you a bit more, then that gives you some important information about what he responds to. So either way, giving him the space to show you his true thoughts and feelings is important!
And in the meantime, having some extra fun couldn’t hurt! It’s helps to stay distracted and seeing and trying new things in your life. What kinds of fun things can you do, to spice up your life a bit more???
Heidi
Hi Nicole!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I understand why you would be shocked. He is saying one thing and then behaving in a completely different way. There are many dynamics happening here, so let’s see if we can peel back the layers and get you better equipped to handle those challenging moments with him, with a lot more ease.
First, you have only been dating for 3.5 months. That means that things are still new and fresh and exciting and easy. I always tell people, you never know who that person REALLY is until you have seen them in their worst. It’s so important to pay close attention to how they handle stress, conflict and challenge in their lives. So when I am dating a guy, it’s nice to hear all the wonderful things he feels about me and the future together, but there is NO WAY I take any of that to heart until I have seen that all of that still holds true when he is faced with a challenge. I want to know how he treats me, himself and others around him. All the sweetest words in the world don’t matter if every time there is an argument, he bails. So…all that is happening right now is you seeing his coping mechanism and how he is handling challenge. It’s a tough one if he is ready to breakup. I don’t know if this has been a lifelong pattern of his, or maybe it’s his new pattern since his wife died. That might be something you want to ask him and talk about so you can learn about him.
Second, you are also being triggered, just like he was. BOTH of your buttons have gotten pushed. Whenever a trigger happens, most people say and do things out of high emotion, as they are not in their right mind. When emotions get intense like that, we actually drop into lower centers of our brain where we don’t have access to higher, logical, appropriate thinking. In the lower centers of our brain, the intense emotions are running our thoughts and we head into fight or flight mode. So first and foremost, I always encourage people to NEVER make any decisions out of that high emotional space. I like to use the SUD Scale. (Subjective Units of Distress Scale). It’s a scale of 1-10 where you rate your feelings. Anything over a 5, you are in the lower centers of your brain. I like to teach people that you want to calm down and get yourself down to a 3 or 4 (at the highest) and THEN have a conversation when you are more in control and can think and feel more rationally.
Maybe have a discussion with him where you say, “I am learning about your and see that when you get triggered, you want to run away from me. Then you trigger me into my abandonment issues. We are quite the pair aren’t we? lol. So now that we know, let’s find another way to work around this. I find you to be an incredible man that I want to continue to get to know, so I would like to figure out a more effective way to handle our challenges, so we don’t hurt each other.” I would suggest to talk about that when you argue, there is NO MENTION of leaving or breaking up if the emotions are above a 4. So maybe he would agree to talk about how he is feeling first and working through the situation vs. running. I would also want to ask him what specifically triggered him to want to leave. That’s important for you to know and understand about him. This is a good place to start. There are many more things to do, but I’m gonna stop here and let you think about it.Let me know your thoughts and we can go from there.
Heidi
Hi Tee!
Disgust and anger is great! It means you are fighting for yourself! It’s healthy and appropriate. Keep letting it come out. Are you journaling or anything so that you can keep letting those feelings have a place to go????
As far as your family, why not take this opportunity to grow and expand and do things differently in your life? I understand you are embarrassed. Why not allow yourself the wonderful gift of being loved and accepted for EXACTLY who you are? If you cannot let your family and friends see the REAL you, then how do you expect to be able to do that with a man? This is such a wonderful time to allow those closest to you, to provide comfort and be there for you during a difficult time. It’s such a wonderful thing to be loved and cared for in the middle of our messes. It’s important. (that is, if you feel safe to share your vulnerabilities with your family…not sure what type of relationship you have with them). You are only embarrassed because you are judging yourself about what happened. Why not let people show you something different? This “false pride” will ABSOLUTELY contribute to the design of any relationship you are in. It can create a lot of walls. Why not work on it and start to shift this? Learn to love yourself no matter what. Learn to accept yourself, even in your worst moments. Learn what love feels like even when you are not perfect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Liga,
By now, a bit of time has passed. I suggest to just continue keeping things light and easy. This is what is going to help him feel more comfortable and no pressure from you. He has stated that he isn’t interested in dating, so you taking the friend approach with him is the safest bet to stay connected and still build a relationship of some sorts, which maybe could lead into something more. Who knows!
The thing is Liga, this is going to take time. For right now, he is not interested, but he IS interested in still staying a bit connected. So keep in touch and take the friend approach. I know this is not what you want to hear right now, but it’s important for you to take a big step back and give him some breathing room…especially after the last text you sent. Give him some space and time and let him come to you! Get him to chase you again…he can only do that if you stay distant long enough.
Do you think you can do that right now?
Heidi
Hi Tee!
It ebbs and flows. I know you are thinking about the negative and the aspects that didn’t work. That is a very important part of the process and always a part to stay connected to as you continue to heal. You might be done, but DO NOT be surprised if you soften again. If you do, be kind to yourself. It doesn’t mean you not growing or shifting. It just means you have a few more ebbs and flows to go through. It’s all okay! The more kind and patient you are with yourself, the faster you will heal, which is the goal.
I do also want to support what Kanya has said. It makes me sad that you would be embarrassed to mention this to your friends and family. I’m curious…what do you think they will say or respond like?
Heidi
Hi Theresa,
Well done!!!! I love that you followed through and really looked at your relationship honestly.
So what are the next steps? Here is another exercise you can do as well, to help bring clarity for you. It’s called the non-negotiable list. The qualities on this list are NON-NEGOTIABLE. They are set in stone and immovable. The qualities you list are the qualities you REQUIRE in order to be happy and nourished and fulfilled in a relationship. These are not qualities you want…these are qualities you NEED. These are qualities that if the guy did not have, you KNOW it would not work long term, because you know you NEED every single quality on that list in order to be your best in relationship.
Here is an example….Romance is on my list. I CANNOT survive in a relationship if the guy does not enjoy being romantic. Active is on my list. I am a very active person and is how I spend a lot of my time for fun. I hike, I ride bikes, I go on long walks, I workout, I am involved in sports. It’s how I play and I LOVE it! Therefore, I will not ever be able to be with a guy who doesn’t enjoy being active and being outside.
Does this make sense?? I have spend YEARS refining my list as I learned more about myself. For example, I use to have Athletic (and played a sport and was good at it). But then as I got older and also dated guys who were not into sports but who were active, I realized that “Athletic” was not essential, but “Active” was.
Bottom line is, everything on my list has been tested and re-tested as I’ve grown. So…what is on my list today is VERY SOLID! Being that I have reached a phase in my life where I’m only interested in falling in love (not dating just for fun), everything on my list is at the forefront of my mind. Let’s say I had 10 things on that list….if a guy had 9 of those qualities, I would not date him. EVERY SINGLE QUALITY ON YOUR LIST IS NON_NEGOTIABLE!!! If you accept anything less than what is on your list, you are settling. Now…understand that you will write this list, but also may question some of the qualities. That’s where testing it out is important and learning about yourself is important. Remember, this is YOUR list and no one else’s!!! There are some women who would shake their heads at me for requiring romance. That’s okay! I know myself.
So to start, just write down what you think those qualities would be. Then….see how your ex matches up to those qualities
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Abby,
There are a lot of ways to respond to his stress about work. Here are some ideas: “I know you are so stressed. My heart goes out to you. Have you done anything for yourself today to help you deal with it?” or “I’m so sorry you are still feeling stressed. I have had seasons like that in my life too. Do you think it will end soon?” “I get it. I know how stressful your work can be. Have you ever thought about looking for a new job?” “I hear ya. To spend so much of your time and energy in a job that is really stressful…it’s just plain hard. I wish there was something I could do to help. If there is, let me know.”Does this help??? Good luck with the apartment!!!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
From what you said before, it sounds like you are a very loyal person. It is a wonderful quality to have. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses as well. Your loyalty is beautiful and amazing, but then you have to ask at what point is my loyalty hurting me? One of my greatest strengths is my ability to see and understand a situation on very deep levels. That also hurts me because many times in relationships, I need to just let things go vs. diving deep into EVERYTHING!!! That has caused harm before and I am very aware of it! So I just wanted to offer you this perspective. You obviously are still going to do what you feel is right for you, as you should. You have your own lessons to learn in all of this!
As far as making your life more exciting, I always like to learn something new to spice things up. A new language, a new hobby (maybe pottery, painting, a sport), you can join new groups (meetup.com is wonderful for that). Also going somewhere and seeing something totally different is always fun. Go spend the night in a new town and see what that town has to offer!
Maybe start taking dance lessons!There are a GAZILLION things to do to spice up your life. Just pick one and run with it!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Shannon! Wonderful! I’m glad you are figuring out a way to make it there with him. It’s an important statement you are making to him that you are willing to JOIN him in this process of growth.
I understand your life in the sense that everyone comes to you for their problems and that you are very self aware. My life is EXACTLY the same! I definitely grew up with an emotional intelligence beyond my years. With that being said, I still reached out to “experts.” I found that most were not very helpful, but the thing is, I kept looking until I found someone that was able to challenge me to the levels that my friends and family could not and it was AMAZING how my coach was able to help me in ways that no one else could…not even with all my self awareness. EVERYBODY would be well served to find someone to hold them accountable, to offer different perspectives, to help with healing hurt etc. It has made an incredible difference in my life and I will continue with a coach until I take my last breath. Give it shot. You might be surprised (or disappointed). Who knows! I understand you are crazy busy, so just keep this idea in your mind and when you have the energy to look for a coach or therapist, go for it! But for right now, I think it’s imperative that you join your guy and have some experiences with him. I’m super curious what you all will talk about as well!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Liga!
It’s okay! It’s a sweet message. It may have been a bit too intense for him, but I am wondering what his response was. Has he said anything in return? What makes you think it was a mistake?
Heidi
Tee! You are doing so amazing!!!!! Well done!
I want to give you a different perspective. Instead of wishing that you stopped caring so much about him (which isn’t realistic anyways), what about caring for your heart MORE than you care for him.
It’s no different than giving up and addiction. It’s intense and difficult. If you were giving up a substance, do you think it is doing any good to occasionally have a little taste of that substance? It actually is causing more harm than good. It’s not that you stop wanting the substance….it’s that you want something else more. When breaking up, it’s about wanting your heart to be cared for more than what he was able to offer you. You loving yourself MORE than your need to connect and get a “fix” is what needs to happen.
You still aren’t in enough pain yet to completely let go. You are still holding onto with hope…yes?
When I haven’t been able to disconnect, I will set a boundary and ask they don’t contact me anymore. It allows me to be able to move on and not get pulled in every time they text. If they don’t respect that boundary, I block their number. My healing is more important than them. But of course, getting to the point of asking them to stop contacting, is hard enough. THink about it though. Consider this may be the next step for your healing.
You will do that when you are ready. It’s okay if you aren’t ready for that too! Everyone has their own pace!
Heidi
