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Hi Miss N,
Go back to being friends…don’t even try to date. Your goal right now is to get him to connect with you. Re-building the FRIENSHIP is what is going to keep the pressure off and help build trust and safety. If you try to date, that’s heading right back into relationship again and he wasn’t happy. So just be friends. By that, I mean, talk about fun things, ask questions about him, learn new things about him, have some fun adventures, but NOTHING intimate. Don’t talk about it, don’t try to make it happen….let him take the lead on that side of things. So why not start send him a light, fun text like, “Hey…saw this video and thought of you. Made me laugh. Hope it does the same for you!” “Hey…saw this guy helping a pregnant lady out with her groceries. Reminded me of you and how helpful you are to people.” (basically you want to offer compliments or let him know something you like him)
If he feels pressure on any level from you, he will not respond. So you don’t need to not communicate, you just need to make connecting light and easy. Give it time. He most likely will respond to that at some point. It can slowly draw him in. The idea here is just to get him to connect again. If you can get him connecting with you, laughing with you, talking with you…then that is great! THEN, after that friendship gets re-established, it is the pathway to something more. Baby steps.
Does this approach make sense?
Heidi
HI Sharon!
Great question! It sounds like you guys are being very smart about this.
One thing you want to keep in mind is if you invite him on a hike, can you guys stay friends? Are you able to not kiss, hold hands or do any “couple” type of things when you hang out? If so, I’d say go for it! I would reach out once and see what he does to respond and then I would put the ball in his court and let him make the initiative.
You can also just text him fun little things and say “Hey…saw this video and thought of you. Made me laugh!” xoxo
Keeping it light, simple and easy and letting him respond if he wants or not.
It’s not a game. It’s honoring the space he needs but also being a little connective. How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Tee,
Yes, I would agree. Those are words of someone feeling depressed. Most people deal with times of depression on some level. How serious it is, who knows. You probably know better than most since he shares quite a bit with you. From the words you have shared here, it sounds like a normal level of depression vs. something to be concerned about.
So you say that he is very self aware of knows his issues. That’s great! What is he doing to work on those issues? What kinds of actions is he taking to help make his life better?
The flip side to this, is your involvement and your need to “nurture” as well. You being the “only” one to be there for him in this special way, gives you a good dose of self – esteem too. It’s nice to feel special. It’s nice to have a special spot in someone’s heart. It’s nice, until it starts to wear on you. He is so plugged into you for his well being. There is a part of you that really enjoys that. That can be something you really look at for yourself in the process. You are choosing to participate in this and justify this relationship so you can help “save” him so to speak. I’ve worked with that mindset a ton, even personally. Men love to feel like heros and women LOVE to feel like we are nurturing and helping. Does this thought process make sense for you?
Heidi
Hi Tee,
wow…what an interesting situation!!! What a conversation!! He decides to say all of this to you AFTER you leave??? I don’t know if I would call him depressed, but he is definitely insecure. He needs everything to be perfect in order to feel good about a relationship with you. If anything goes wonky, he will have a BIG reaction because he has no internal self worth. His self worth is wrapped up in the OUTSIDE world. So as long as you are okay, then he is okay.
Whether he is depressed or not, it’s important for YOU to make a decision about what kind of person you want in your life. Do you want to walk on eggshells? The smallest little thing could trigger him into pushing you away instantly. In one second he is telling you how important you are in his life then the very next second he is pushing you away faster than a speeding bullet. That is enough information for you to know what kind of relationship you would have with him…even on a friend level. He want’s to call you his best friend??? That’s how he treats his best friend???
So it’s up to you. This is who he is until he really faces whatever it is that he is scared of. He has A LOT of baggage he is carrying around. The closer you are to him, the more he will blame you for HIS baggage. Is this what you want???
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your frustration. Who wouldn’t feel disheartened?? Don’t let this jade you though. There are A LOT of guys out there that have integrity and that you can count on. This guy has something inside…a fear…anger or something from his past that is causing him to have this kind of disrespect towards you. It might be towards women in general or this might be a pattern he does with everybody. Either way, this kind of pattern makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get close to him. This pattern is designed to ruin relationship and keep people an arm’s distance away. He is not ready to be in a relationship. He is ready to just date and keep things on the surface.
This has nothing to do with you! These issues were there looooong before you ever came along! Regardless, it doesn’t change that it hurts on the receiving end. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Time to forgive and move on. What are your next steps???
heidi
Hi Miss N,
I know how hard this is. It hurts deeply to have someone you really love, walk away. He has been through a lot. I am wondering if he just needs some time to figure out who he is in this world as a free man now. For men, they have a very strong need to produce and provide. It’s very natural for them. Here he was wanting to get married and have a baby, which I’m sure he does, but he needs to figure out money, he needs to resolve whatever is in him so he can feel competent to be a father. My guess is, his low self esteem is getting in the way. If he was blaming you for cheating, just because you weren’t home when you said you would be, he definitely has a lot of insecurities. Those insecurities just get magnified in marriage and even MORE magnified when having a baby. He is scared and rightly so. He needs to figure out who he is and maybe his way of doing that, is to be alone. Bickering a lot is exhausting. Even though you guys always worked it out, it can wear on someone.
How about you take the approach of staying connected and building that friendship and trust with him. That is the foundation of any good relationship anyways! Instead of trying to get him to come home, focus on building good communication skills, focus on becoming better friends, focus on laying a solid foundation about the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. If you pressure him to come back, that will most likely push him away. If you accept his choice, still stay connected, then you guys can have some wonderful conversations just about life and what’s going on. Those types of conversations are crucial! I also love the relationship rewrite method! There are some GREAT ideas in there to help you understand how you can be a better partner. He is right to walk away if he isn’t happy. So the more you understand what that was about, the more it empowers you to do what you can to help create a more peaceful relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I always suggest having people practice what they are going to say. I like to practice in my car. It’s important to say it out loud. What’s interesting is as you say it out loud, sometimes you will discover other things you want to say as well. So the more you say, the more you become comfortable with your approach and really fine tune what is important for you vs. over-talking. Guys get soooooo confused MANY times trying to follow the train of thought for a woman. They think very differently, so to be the most effective, being concise and VERY clear with what you say is crucial. It will help make the conversation much more smooth.
Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way for you. Sometimes the most important lessons we learn in life happen because of being deeply hurt. That hurt is a gift. It helps you remember how to shift your approach. I’m glad you are able to see how to handle a situation differently in the future and how to take care of yourself better by being more cautious. Honestly, it sucks. I wish that it were possible to jump right in when there is a connection like that! It’s so much more fun that way. Instead, the more connection, the more cautious you need to be in order to make sure you seeing this person more clearly. That’s why I have a guy meet my friends, my dog, I expose him to MANY different scenarios, so I can see as many sides to him as possible. When strong feelings exist, it’s easy to miss things. If you have ways to be objective, it is helpful!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and challenges with us Debra!
Heidi
Hi Joan,
I find it interesting that he doesn’t want to sext with you, he doesn’t want to facetime with you when he is gone because he thinks he is being “checked up on.” An innocent man does not think that way. A guy who wants to connect with his women would be delighted to check in with her and have a chat. If a guy didn’t want to do that, most reasons would be because he has so much work to do….not because he thinks he is being checked up on. It’s NOT a communication gap Joan. It’s him having a guilty conscious and wanting his freedom. It’s quite normal for couples to FT when traveling. There is nothing weird with that. He may not have done any sex talk with this last incident, but he did immediately offer his location for her to come over. He didn’t share that information so she could come over for chat….to me, it’s worse. Sexting at least keeps distance, but the moment you tell your location and invite someone over, now the door is open. If she had shown up, he would have had sex with her.
I’m glad you had the strength to talk about this and how you are feeling. It sounds like it was a good conversation for you in that you got a lot more information and opened your eyes even further about who he is. I’m sorry it’s turning out this way. It hurts, especially when you thought things were getting stronger. Your idea of your relationship is being shattered and that is very painful.
So let me ask you this? What do you feel you need to think about? What information do you need to help you decide to leave? What information do you need to help you decide to stay? You are sitting on the fence and trying to process this, so sometimes what can help to create movement, in either direction, is figuring out what you need to know in order to jump off the fence and move in a direction.
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
What can happen is when our parents model for us how to exist in this world, that becomes a part of who we are as children. Also, as you show emotion as a child and then don’t get a response from your parent OR you get a negative response, it teaches the child to shut down their emotions so they don’t feel rejected or hurt. It’s what children do to survive the challenges in life (subconsciously of course). As we enter into adulthood, those same coping skills we developed to help us survive and handle our childhood, now start to hurt us as we try to create new relationships. This is where a lot of conflict and challenge can show up.
I imagine you want to feel more than you do, yes? Have you found your lack of emotion in relationship is causing a barrier somehow? Would love some examples!
Heidi
Hi Catherine!
Okay. So it sounds like there is good direction for the moment. So when you make a request you can say something like this:
“It’s time to talk about the “being late’ pattern again. I finally have admitted to myself that it’s a deal breaker for me. At the same time, I want to build a life with you. You are an incredible man and someone I want to keep in my life. Reality is though, when you don’t show up on time and when you don’t follow through on your word, I don’t trust your word and trust is a foundational need if a relationship is going to last. I’m only going to request this one last time. Would you be willing to see a coach or therapist to figure out what’s going on for you? I don’t mean just a few times, but be willing to really work on this area of your life until it’s resolved? I will work on it with you. I will work on myself as well and my patience and my acceptance. I know I am part of this equation and have my own work to do around it. Let’s fight for this. We have a great connection and I want it to keep growing. Will you join me on this?”
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Debra,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments? Where are you at with all of this?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
You said you “think” he is seeing a therapist. Maybe it’s important for you to find out for sure. If he is, it would be helpful for him to share with you what he is learning about himself and this issue. I would want to hear what the therapist is doing with him. What is the therapist saying, how is the therapist guiding him towards changing? what kinds of homework is the therapist wanting him to do and practice?
I think you will find more patience when you have more understanding about what is actually happening for him and EXACTLY what he is doing to change things. You say some things are changing, so what would be an example of that?
Lastly, this is a great opportunity for YOU to work on forgiveness. You are so easily triggered into frustration because there is still left over feelings about the past. If you want to stay and really work through this with him, forgiving him for his limitations is important. If it weren’t this issue, it would something else. There is ALWAYS something we have to deal with. So it’s up to you how much you want to fight for him. Maybe even think about what YOU are doing that is difficult for him to deal with in the relationship. It might help you find some compassion for his challenges when you connect to your own challenges and how hard it is to change a negative pattern.
You leaving him isn’t going to change anything for him. This is part of his daily living, whether you are there or not. It’s a pattern woven into every areas of his life. If he is seeing a therapist or someone who is actively helping him with this on a weekly basis, then he is doing what he can. If he isn’t seeing someone to help him with this, then maybe make that the next request.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I know the heartache all too well. You feel like a piece of you is just missing and it aches so deep. It’s only been 2 months. I know you think you should feel better by now, but it’s just not true, for this situation. Something very deep has been activated for you, in a very specific way. It’s just going to take more time.
Here is a tapping video for you. I do tapping all the time! It’s a WONDRFUL technique that can help move emotion. I suggest that before you start tapping, rate your feelings on a scale of 1-10. 10 is the most intense, 1 being barely intense. Then start tapping. Even if you only have a minute, do it for a minute. If you have 15 minutes, do it for 15 minutes. Each and every single time you do it, it moves the emotions. With something as intense as you are experiencing, it’s going to take some time and is not a magic bullet, but I will tell you, that every single time I’ve done tapping, I have been able to move the numbers 2-3 levels down from where I started. It can help you go from an 8 or 9 down to a 6. It will be able to help you function in your life better and not feel like you are drowning in sadness. You are going to make it through this. Get after this and tap as much as possible!
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I know how confusing this is! He said and did one thing and now did a complete 180 and ghosted.
I have 2 guesses as to why he did this, but you are ultimately right….you will never really know. It’s hard. I have personally dealt with ghosting as well as coached a TON of people through it. Since the online dating craze took hold of the dating scene, ghosting is the #1, very hurtful and frustrating behavior that has shown up. It’s so sad that it’s so common. The goal is to learn to love and accept yourself even though the other person isn’t. The goal is to learn to be comfortable in the middle of “not knowing what happened.” We all love to have closure. It helps us move on. It’s a whole different thing trying to move on when we don’t have closure, so it’s important for you to create closure for yourself.
The foundation of a solid relationship that is able to last, solely relies on how the couple treats each other in their worst. When stress shows up, do they talk? Do they treat each other with kindness? Do they treat themselves the same way? Are they respectful towards each other? If these qualities don’t exist in a relationship WHEN THINGS GET UNCOMFORTABLE OR STRESSFUL, then the relationship is on the path to separation at some point.
I understand you had a great connection with him and how hard that is to come by. However, connection is the easy part…it is not the whole part. You built this whole idea about who he is and created a wonderful story about a life and journey you could take together.
It’s hard to let go because you haven’t quite let go of the dream you created around him. You are missing a BIG part of the dream….he is someone who completely has dis-honored you and just bailed. He didn’t communicate, he didn’t create closure…instead he is just running away and leaving you to feel used and fooled. This is how he handles stress. This is the kind of person he is when he gets uncomfortable. Is this the kind of guy that is in your dream?
Instead of wishing to keep him in your life, get angry at him for how he has treated you! He pushed you aside and is behaving like a junior high little boy. At the very least, he could have just said, “I’m not ready.” He doesn’t deserve your heart. He doesn’t deserve your attentions. He doesn’t deserve friendship. That connection is great, but it needs time to build some substance behind it for it to become something real. He didn’t give it that time. He would rather just disappear and not care about how that affects you, than to be honest.
I realize I have taken the opposite approach here and played the devil’s advocate. I would love your thoughts on this.
Heidi
