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Hi Sharon,
I totally get it. You wonder why these types of men show up and what kind of vibe you are putting out there? The people around you will show you. Your life and who is in it, will tell you exactly what kind of vibe you are putting out there. It seems you are great in many areas of your life, but romantically, is where your low self-esteem is doing most of the signaling to the universe. It’s difficult because a lot of the signals that are stronger and contribute to what shows up in your life, come from an unconscious place. What you DO know though, is that you don’t fully believe that you are interesting enough, just as you are. You believe that you have to “do” or “be” something in order to keep a man’s attention. So let’s look at that a little bit. Do you know where that belief started from? Do you remember how old you were when you first started thinking this way? I know I had a father who gave me attention based on my “performance.” Good grades, blue ribbons in gymnastics, scoring a goal in soccer. He set up for me, that attention = love and in order for me to get his attention and feel “love,” I needed to do something well and excel. Be the best. So something like that from a role model can be the source for your belief about what makes you interesting.
The truth is Sharon, you, just as you are, is enough. Now the path is, to get you connected to that truth instead of the lie that you are not enough.
Let’s just start with this….ask each of your friends why they are friends with you. Ask your parents. Make a list. Read it over and over and over again, re-programming your thoughts about who you REALLY are vs. who you think you are. Let others’ vision of you be a way to know yourself.
Truth is, you have to like yourself before you attract someone who will really like you, just because you are you. Do you like your life? Would you want to be friends with you? Do you think your life is interesting?
Heidi
hahaha! You’re funny! Humor amidst hurt and confusion is a good sign of strength btw!
Glad you found the book. It’s good to get a grasp on all the thoughts and opinions out there. It will give you some good things to practice as you start to date adult men…lol.
What is your anxiety typically about?? This is a great time to really look at that part of yourself while you are in a bit of a holding pattern with this new guy.
So what are all of your thoughts about anxiety? What’s the pattern of when it shows up? When did your anxiety start in your life? Is it always about the same thing?
I know, lots of questions….
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Well done! It’s great that you are choosing to respect his boundary. That’s important for your partner to know.
I’m curious…did you ever about “why” you made those choice? The 2x you cheated, was it close together or was there a lot of time in between? Were they one night kind of things or short affairs?
Maybe at some point you guys can see a relationship coach or something? Or go to a weekend workshop? If he sees you are willing to take “action” and make changes, it can help him feel more safe in trusting you again. Do you think this is an option at some point?
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Well done! It’s great that you are choosing to respect his boundary. That’s important for your partner to know.
I’m curious…did you ever about “why” you made those choice? The 2x you cheated, was it close together or was there a lot of time in between? Were they one night kind of things or short affairs?
Maybe at some point you guys can see a relationship coach or something? Or go to a weekend workshop? If he sees you are willing to take “action” and make changes, it can help him feel more safe in trusting you again. Do you think this is an option at some point?
Heidi
Hi Shannon!
What a wonderful update to hear? It sounds like you BOTH are really growing and learning how to be better partners for each other. Do you have another session scheduled together maybe in a few months?
Where do you guys get to go on vacation??? This is exciting! Travel can really help couples bond on a deeper level. Are the holiday plans going smoothly as well? Is the sexual intimacy still growing? You feel well connected to him?
On the other end, do you still feel like you have hesitation anywhere with him? Any areas you feel you are not trusting him? Or do you feel like the cheating situation is now a gift and you are looking forward to re-designing?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your perspective about things becoming stagnant. Has he mentioned that at all? Have you thought that maybe it isn’t his perspective??
The first thing I would suggest is to talk to him about it vs. creating distance and ignoring him. That can create a lot of hurt feelings and cause him to pull away as well. That is not what you want! What is stopping you from just having an honest conversation about how you are feeling and what you are noticing?
Heidi
Hi Theresa,
I want to acknowledge you as well. You have done a wonderful job of being honest, upfront and authentic about how you are feeling, both with yourself and with him. No matter how brave or strong you are, depression always follows in the loss of love. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. You are even more brave for deciding to walk into that depression instead of staying in a relationship that isn’t working. Not many people have the courage to do that and they stay loooooong after the expiration date.
Keep loving on yourself. Take baths, watch movies where the character gets dumped but then is redeemed (i.e.Under the Tuscan Sun) and begin imagining your life free of this depression, healed from the hurt and enjoying your life, fully and completely. There is a lot ahead of you that will put a big smile on your face!
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I’m so sorry! I’m curious about the cheating. Was it a one time thing or did you actually have an affair? Also, did he say that he needed a break again because he wasn’t over you cheating on him? Or would you say there are other factors that may be involved? How was your communication together?
Part of me is wondering if he is wanting to experience whatever else is out there. Getting together at such a young age and then going through your 20’s together…there is a lot of growing up during those years. When you stay connected to 1 person during those developmental years, you can miss out on a lot and many times, the part that didn’t get to fully “explore” will want freedom later on.
Do you feel this may be involved in why he may want a break right now?
Heidi
Hi Sherrie!
I understand your frustration. It’s a very normal need to connect, and daily, with a guy you are building a relationship with.
How long does he go silent for? Is there a pattern? Meaning, does he go silent weekly? Does he go silent after seeing you?
How long have you been dating? Have you talked to him about this in more detail about what your needs are? If yes, what was his response?
More details will be helpful for us, so we can offer better guidance.
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
Wow! What a relationship you used to have. I’m glad you were finally able to set some boundaries at first and then eventually end it. You fought for yourself!! Well done! The anxiety thing with him could just be about him and not be a normal part of how you function in a relationship. So my first question is, is the anxiety thing still there? Did is start with him or before him?
I love reading John Gottman. He has one of my favorite books EVER! It’s written for men but I also highly recommend it to women. It’s a very easy read and short and simple. He has researched relationship and couples for 30+ years now, so you can only imagine the amount of data he has gathered! “A Man’s Guide to Women” is the book. But check out his website. I feel that he gives a very good, clear and accurate assessment about what a healthy relationship looks like! http://www.johngottman.com
check it out and let me know what you think!
I’m excited that this new guy is going to give you a different experience hopefully. Time will tell, but he is at least an adult and can take care of himself…lol! That’s kind of important right??
Heidi
Hi Tee,
A guy who views you just as a friend does not say, “This is why I cannot marry you…” He definitely has had that thought about you, so there is SOMETHING that he feels for you beyond friendship.
One of the best ways to heal and let go of your feelings is to disconnect. I know that you say that you don’t feel pulled in by his compliments, but I’m willing to bet it has more power than you realize. With that being said, you are also the best authority on yourself, not me. I only challenge you on this thought, because I am extremely aware person and there are times that I am totally taken off guard because something has more power than I had thought.
Regardless, it doesn’t really matter. Something is keeping you hooked to him. Whether it’s your desire to win him over or your desire to rescue him and help him through this rough patch…or both….he sure is incredibly lucky to have you by his side caring about him so much. From what it sounds like, he knows that most of the time and it sounds like he is good at letting you know that.
It’s a tough situation you are in. Sometimes, it’s just a one day at a time kind of thing since it’s quite the rollercoaster. Anything new? Any new thoughts or feelings???
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I am so sorry! It sounds like your heart has been broken and that sucks. It’s hard. In order to really deal with this and the heartbreak, you need to move on. You need to let go of the dream you have created around him. He has made his choice. Honor his choice. I know it hurts you, but you will find so much more relief from the pain if you close the door on the idea of having a relationship with him.
Can you work with a therapist or a coach or is there someone you can really talk to about this?
What is most difficult to give your heart to someone and then watch them head in a different direction. Despite how you feel Ashley, he feels differently…and to the point that he is getting married. Let him have his process and honor that he is on a different path than you. If you work on healing yourself, then it opens up the opportunity for someone else to come along and sweep you off your feet. Don’t you want a guy who can’t imagine going a day without talking to you? Don’t you want a guy who finds you delightful and wonderful to be around? Don’t you want a guy that loves you deeply and loves spending time with you? As long as you keep your heart strings connected to this current guy, you won’t find that. It’s time for you to create closure and heal.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want some magical something to happen that would make him turn his eyes away from his future wife to you instead. I would wonder about a guy like that. What kind of guy is he to head into marriage so fast? What kind of guy would he be if he turned away from his wedding only to turn around and jump back into a relationship with you? Even if he did do that, I would bet a million dollars he would just keep in that pattern of never fully committing. A relationship with a guy that would do something like that, would be FULL of drama and chaos. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
I love, love love your self awareness! I love that you want to come into a relationship in a different way this time. It’s going to be a challenge and one you will have to forever manage, but that’s okay!
Here’s just a little education: Narcissism is meeting your needs at the expense of another. Co-dependence is meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Most times, a narcissist will find a dependent person. It works well actually because the narcissist gets all of their needs met while the dependent meets all the needs. It can work actually, as long as the dependent person stays where they are and doesn’t change anything.
What’s important about understanding these traits is they are not inherently a bad thing. Being narcissistic AND co-dependent is a good thing! In a healthy relationship, both people have BOTH qualities. There definitely will be times where you will need to meet your needs over your man’s needs and there will be times you will meet his needs over yours. That’s the goal! Doing BOTH!!
For you, what will be important is to really stay connected to yourself and YOUR needs and giving yourself permission to use your voice. It can be as simple as him saying, “where do you want to go for dinner?” You tell him where you want to go for dinner vs. saying “wherever you want to go. It doesn’t matter to me.” Even though it really, truly may not matter, you pick a place anyways. Making sure you insert your opinions, feelings and thoughts into all situations is what will start to get you more comfortable with using your voice to get your needs met.
There is sooooooo much to say about this topic and I don’t want to overwhelm you! I’ll stop here. Let me know your thoughts!!
Also, check out the movie “Runaway Bride.” It’s about co-dependent behavior. Sometimes it can help to watch someone go through it!
Heidi
Hi Tee,
I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I’m not guiding you towards cutting him or staying with him. That is completely YOUR choice. You are the only one who knows yourself the way you do. What I am wanting to accomplish with you is to get you connected to the truth of the situation, both about yourself and about him, and then you make decisions from that space.
There is a rule that exists for everyone. Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. Your greatest strength as a nurturing person, is also your greatest weakness. Our strengths become our weakness when we start to lose ourselves while trying to use our strength. For example, one of my greatest strengths is being able to understand and see intricacies about a situation that most people can’t see. It’s a wonderful strength when people are seeking advice and when I need to make changes to a situation. That strength has worked against me MANY times, when I am in a relationship and I just need to let things go. The common thing that my serious boyfriends have said about me, is that I over-analyze. I tend to take the most simple things and turn it into this “deep” conversation or “deep” issue. My intention is to help bring clarity and understanding to the situation. My intention is pure and from my heart. AND….they are right too. There are a lot of times I just need to let myself relax and not care.
The reason I am saying this nurturing of HIM in particular, not in general, is for your self esteem is this: There is a fundamental need for us ladies to feel chosen. It’s innate in us. The men do the choosing and the women are the chosen. So here you have this guy you have been connected with for many years, you have feelings towards him and he is saying to you “You are the only one…..you are special, you are my best friend….” When he is saying these things to you, it’s giving you this re-enforcement that you are loveable and valuable in his life. It’s pretty powerful because of the fact that you still have feelings for him. If you were just friends and there were no feelings on either side, it would be a nice compliment to hear. But because you both have feelings for each other, there is and extra power to those statements. AND it’s even extra, extra powerful because he is not yours. He hasn’t chosen you yet, so those statements are like gold when you hear them. It gives you value. It would be like this for ANYONE. This is what happens when there is scarcity. You want more what you can’t have right? Meaning…here he is not giving you ALL of what you want. Even though you know it wouldn’t be healthy to be with him right now, you still have feelings. Those feelings get ignited when he offers those compliments, then all the time in between those compliments, he creates scarcity in you by saying things like “this is why I can’t marry you….” This scarcity he creates is going to very naturally and easily trigger your desire to re-connect and become that “special person” to him again. Guys purposefully use this technique all the time. Let’s say they see a girl they like and she is in a group of 4 with her friends. He will walk up to the group, acknowledge everyone, then start engaging with all the ladies EXCEPT the one he really wants. He is creating scarcity for that one girl in order to magnify and intensify her feeling of rejection, which will then in turn cause her to want to engage with him even more. Us ladies are STRONG connectors. So when a guy disconnects by saying “This is why I can’t marry you….” it is going to activate your need to connect even more. I’m not saying he is knowingly using this technique. I don’t see that at all, yet it is a dynamic that is happening between you guys.
Again, I’m not saying you should disconnect at all. What I’m saying is to look at what is really keeping you connected. Let’s look at your fear…what would happen if you did disconnect? What would happen if you started dating someone else and fell in love with him? What would happen if your attention went somewhere else, even towards your own life and less went to him?
Heidi
HI Kathira!
This is a good question. Thank you for coming here and sharing your challenge with us. Let’s see if we can figure this out. It will take time, but we need more details in order to guide you better.
How long have you been dating?
This other woman, are they dating as well?
What are the issues you struggle with in your experiences with each other?
What is the current status of your relationship? Still talking, being intimate, dating?Share as much as you feel comfortable with and we can go from there.
Heidi
