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Hi Abby,
I’m a little confused.
Let’s just start with the breakup email. You said he didn’t respond. Did you write it in a way that would make him think he needed to respond? Usually breakup emails are pretty final. If he did respond, what would you want him to say?
Why wouldn’t you take his rent? Why would you tell him that you left? This is the part I don’t quite understand. Have you found a new place to live? What the status? More info. will help on this.
I’m so sorry! I know you feel powerless in this situation. He cut off really well and is doing everything he can to avoid you. That just feels awful. I hope you have found a new place. I think that will help you heal so much faster!!!
Heidi
Hi Natalie,
This makes so much more sense!!! I don’t think you have lost him at all.
Here is something to understand about men. The core of who they are and their self esteem is about their ability to “produce.” They have to create and make something in this world to feel complete and whole and valuable. For us ladies, it’s all about “connection.” As long as we are connecting with people and have our relationships, the rest of the world can fall apart, but we will be okay. So he is doing a very natural and instinctive thing. When he cannot “produce” the rest of his world will seem impossible. Until he gets his work situation figured out, until he gets his body stabilized, until he gets his mind thinking clearly (and being able to enjoy you sexually), he cannot think about trying to keep you happy. Women are wired so differently. We would be thinking about the relationship first and how to keep it going. lol! So it’s hard for us to understand why guys pull away, when in our minds, we view how much a relationship can HELP. Men view a relationship as 1 more thing to deal with and they just can’t when their ability to “produce” is compromised.
He is still very connected to you, he just can’t think about a relationship right now. My guess is, the drugs just are making everything worse. Has he gotten a 2nd opinion? I have an idea of a type of referral, but I need to find out how to find a practitioner in your area. I’ll get back to you on that one!
So again, just for now, you are doing GREAT!!! Think of this time as building your friendship. Ask him all kinds of questions that you want to know about him. Ask him some fun questions like “If you could design your perfect morning, what would it look like?” Or “If I gave you a million dollars to fix up or change only 1 room in your house, which room would you pick? And what would you do it?”
Keep it light, simple and know that every friendly conversation you have with him, it’s building a bridge, it’s building a relationship, it’s investing in what already exists. He just needs some time to heal.
Heidi
Hi Natalie,
I’m so sorry! This is a tough one as you are long distance. I”m so glad you got to experience that kind of connection. It’s beautiful and powerful and the loss of it can break the heart! Let’s see if we can help you figure out how to draw him out of his hiding spot….
I just have a few questions:
1. How long have you been dating?
2. What kind of pain is he taking Lyrica for?
3. When you talk every few days, who initiates the contact?
4. When you do talk, how are the conversations? Does he seem depressed? Does he seem heavy hearted? Are the conversations just surface? Is the length of the conversation much shorter or about the same?
5. Is there anything you can think of that might have scared him away? Any conversation you may have had about marriage, moving in together or anything of that sort?Something has happened. Whenever someone all of a sudden goes from super connective to overnight, becoming distant and cold, something usually has been triggered. He is afraid most likely. Maybe the baby mama threatened him, maybe he lost his job, maybe he got a bad medical diagnosis. I don’t know, but whatever it is, he most likely is not telling you the whole story and probably for reasons of him thinking he is protecting you or something.
For now, keep connecting with him. Keep being his friend. Whatever it is that has happened and caused this shift in him, it will either pass or maybe he will tell you. Your friendship, your support, your encouragement can go a loooooong way in his life and can definitely help things eventually shift.
Let us know more details and then we can better guide you from there. He is very lucky to have you!!!
Heidi
Hi Kathira!
Man this is one tough situation you are in! I really applaud you for coming here and asking for guidance and being willing to grow and learn. It’s not an easy thing to do!
Here is the thing I want to invite you to think about…. What kind of relationship do you want in your life? I don’t mean with him, but in general. Do you want to get married someday and have a family? Or fall madly in love and have a deep, meaningful experience? What do you imagine?
Kathira, your body is special. It is sacred and special and any man is LUCKY to get to be intimate with you!!! Do you really feel it is okay for you to be physical with a guy who doesn’t value you, nor see you that way? He is the kind of guy who doesn’t value women. It sounds like he uses women. Many men can use women for sex, for comfort, for whatever they need and feel okay with it. They are just built differently than us. One main difference is the chemicals. Like Kanya mentioned, only women’s bodies do this: for the first 7 years you are with a man, your body will release dopamine during sex which is a bonding chemical. Men’s body’s don’t do this! I know it’s been 8 years, but look how bonded you are to him now!
Playing this bartering game with him, can get messy. Reality is, you are wanting him to commit and he won’t. So for YOUR sake, you have to decide either just friends or all in. There is no way to still have sex and then talk less and break other kinds of patterns you guys have established. It won’t work because YOU are just going to keep hurting. He will visit, have sex, you guys will have an amazing time, then he will leave and go back to his regular patterns.
If you are going to do anything here, it needs to be really accepting him for who he is. He has a history and a pattern of having a few women available to him at all times. Whatever is causing him to design his life this way, is HIS issue and something he needs to figure out on his own. Until he does that (he may never take that path) you will just be another woman whom he knows he can keep on his list. He will keep you connected, as is, as long as you are willing to participate in this design. He has treated you this way for 8 years now. So you can keep participated and accept this design, or you can set boundaries and not allow him to keep using you on any level.When you think about boundaries for yourself, you need to ask, “What decisions am I making in this situation that are causing me harm?” That’s where you need to set the boundaries. If having sex keeps you bonded to him and causes hurt as well, that’s where a boundary needs to go up. The idea is to make boundaries for purposes of honoring who you are. Boundaries are for protection. Boundaries are ways to keep our hearts safe from being harmed by someone else.
I wrote quite a bit, so I look forward to your many wonderful thoughts on this!!!
Heidi
Hi Margit!
Man, this is tough! I am sooo so sorry. It’s awful to watch someone you love torture themselves and all you get to do is watch, because they won’t let you in. Hang in there!!! Just a few questions…
Does he have a history with alcohol abuse?
Does he talk to you about what life regrets he is referring to?
Do you think he would be open to getting help?I am wondering if he has done something that he has kept secret and he just can’t keep it quiet anymore. Secrets can be a cancer to the soul. It will wear away at the spirit slowly and in a subtle way. Many times people are able to keep those secrets at bay for awhile, but then they always reach a point where that secret literally starts to poison their spirit. I am wondering if he is feeling guilty about something. Regret and guilt go together. Maybe he cheated, maybe he hurt someone in the past, maybe he got a girl pregnant in college and bailed….I don’t know.
How does he behave when he is drinking? Does he get drunk? Is it always at home, or does he go somewhere?
How do you feel about your marriage (before this behavior)? Do you feel you guys had good communication? Was he an honest guy and share his true thoughts and feelings or is he the type to bury it all?Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I totally get it. You wonder why these types of men show up and what kind of vibe you are putting out there? The people around you will show you. Your life and who is in it, will tell you exactly what kind of vibe you are putting out there. It seems you are great in many areas of your life, but romantically, is where your low self-esteem is doing most of the signaling to the universe. It’s difficult because a lot of the signals that are stronger and contribute to what shows up in your life, come from an unconscious place. What you DO know though, is that you don’t fully believe that you are interesting enough, just as you are. You believe that you have to “do” or “be” something in order to keep a man’s attention. So let’s look at that a little bit. Do you know where that belief started from? Do you remember how old you were when you first started thinking this way? I know I had a father who gave me attention based on my “performance.” Good grades, blue ribbons in gymnastics, scoring a goal in soccer. He set up for me, that attention = love and in order for me to get his attention and feel “love,” I needed to do something well and excel. Be the best. So something like that from a role model can be the source for your belief about what makes you interesting.
The truth is Sharon, you, just as you are, is enough. Now the path is, to get you connected to that truth instead of the lie that you are not enough.
Let’s just start with this….ask each of your friends why they are friends with you. Ask your parents. Make a list. Read it over and over and over again, re-programming your thoughts about who you REALLY are vs. who you think you are. Let others’ vision of you be a way to know yourself.
Truth is, you have to like yourself before you attract someone who will really like you, just because you are you. Do you like your life? Would you want to be friends with you? Do you think your life is interesting?
Heidi
hahaha! You’re funny! Humor amidst hurt and confusion is a good sign of strength btw!
Glad you found the book. It’s good to get a grasp on all the thoughts and opinions out there. It will give you some good things to practice as you start to date adult men…lol.
What is your anxiety typically about?? This is a great time to really look at that part of yourself while you are in a bit of a holding pattern with this new guy.
So what are all of your thoughts about anxiety? What’s the pattern of when it shows up? When did your anxiety start in your life? Is it always about the same thing?
I know, lots of questions….
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Well done! It’s great that you are choosing to respect his boundary. That’s important for your partner to know.
I’m curious…did you ever about “why” you made those choice? The 2x you cheated, was it close together or was there a lot of time in between? Were they one night kind of things or short affairs?
Maybe at some point you guys can see a relationship coach or something? Or go to a weekend workshop? If he sees you are willing to take “action” and make changes, it can help him feel more safe in trusting you again. Do you think this is an option at some point?
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Well done! It’s great that you are choosing to respect his boundary. That’s important for your partner to know.
I’m curious…did you ever about “why” you made those choice? The 2x you cheated, was it close together or was there a lot of time in between? Were they one night kind of things or short affairs?
Maybe at some point you guys can see a relationship coach or something? Or go to a weekend workshop? If he sees you are willing to take “action” and make changes, it can help him feel more safe in trusting you again. Do you think this is an option at some point?
Heidi
Hi Shannon!
What a wonderful update to hear? It sounds like you BOTH are really growing and learning how to be better partners for each other. Do you have another session scheduled together maybe in a few months?
Where do you guys get to go on vacation??? This is exciting! Travel can really help couples bond on a deeper level. Are the holiday plans going smoothly as well? Is the sexual intimacy still growing? You feel well connected to him?
On the other end, do you still feel like you have hesitation anywhere with him? Any areas you feel you are not trusting him? Or do you feel like the cheating situation is now a gift and you are looking forward to re-designing?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your perspective about things becoming stagnant. Has he mentioned that at all? Have you thought that maybe it isn’t his perspective??
The first thing I would suggest is to talk to him about it vs. creating distance and ignoring him. That can create a lot of hurt feelings and cause him to pull away as well. That is not what you want! What is stopping you from just having an honest conversation about how you are feeling and what you are noticing?
Heidi
Hi Theresa,
I want to acknowledge you as well. You have done a wonderful job of being honest, upfront and authentic about how you are feeling, both with yourself and with him. No matter how brave or strong you are, depression always follows in the loss of love. I wish it didn’t have to be that way. You are even more brave for deciding to walk into that depression instead of staying in a relationship that isn’t working. Not many people have the courage to do that and they stay loooooong after the expiration date.
Keep loving on yourself. Take baths, watch movies where the character gets dumped but then is redeemed (i.e.Under the Tuscan Sun) and begin imagining your life free of this depression, healed from the hurt and enjoying your life, fully and completely. There is a lot ahead of you that will put a big smile on your face!
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I’m so sorry! I’m curious about the cheating. Was it a one time thing or did you actually have an affair? Also, did he say that he needed a break again because he wasn’t over you cheating on him? Or would you say there are other factors that may be involved? How was your communication together?
Part of me is wondering if he is wanting to experience whatever else is out there. Getting together at such a young age and then going through your 20’s together…there is a lot of growing up during those years. When you stay connected to 1 person during those developmental years, you can miss out on a lot and many times, the part that didn’t get to fully “explore” will want freedom later on.
Do you feel this may be involved in why he may want a break right now?
Heidi
Hi Sherrie!
I understand your frustration. It’s a very normal need to connect, and daily, with a guy you are building a relationship with.
How long does he go silent for? Is there a pattern? Meaning, does he go silent weekly? Does he go silent after seeing you?
How long have you been dating? Have you talked to him about this in more detail about what your needs are? If yes, what was his response?
More details will be helpful for us, so we can offer better guidance.
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
Wow! What a relationship you used to have. I’m glad you were finally able to set some boundaries at first and then eventually end it. You fought for yourself!! Well done! The anxiety thing with him could just be about him and not be a normal part of how you function in a relationship. So my first question is, is the anxiety thing still there? Did is start with him or before him?
I love reading John Gottman. He has one of my favorite books EVER! It’s written for men but I also highly recommend it to women. It’s a very easy read and short and simple. He has researched relationship and couples for 30+ years now, so you can only imagine the amount of data he has gathered! “A Man’s Guide to Women” is the book. But check out his website. I feel that he gives a very good, clear and accurate assessment about what a healthy relationship looks like! http://www.johngottman.com
check it out and let me know what you think!
I’m excited that this new guy is going to give you a different experience hopefully. Time will tell, but he is at least an adult and can take care of himself…lol! That’s kind of important right??
Heidi
