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Hi Ashley,
I am so sorry! It sounds like your heart has been broken and that sucks. It’s hard. In order to really deal with this and the heartbreak, you need to move on. You need to let go of the dream you have created around him. He has made his choice. Honor his choice. I know it hurts you, but you will find so much more relief from the pain if you close the door on the idea of having a relationship with him.
Can you work with a therapist or a coach or is there someone you can really talk to about this?
What is most difficult to give your heart to someone and then watch them head in a different direction. Despite how you feel Ashley, he feels differently…and to the point that he is getting married. Let him have his process and honor that he is on a different path than you. If you work on healing yourself, then it opens up the opportunity for someone else to come along and sweep you off your feet. Don’t you want a guy who can’t imagine going a day without talking to you? Don’t you want a guy who finds you delightful and wonderful to be around? Don’t you want a guy that loves you deeply and loves spending time with you? As long as you keep your heart strings connected to this current guy, you won’t find that. It’s time for you to create closure and heal.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want some magical something to happen that would make him turn his eyes away from his future wife to you instead. I would wonder about a guy like that. What kind of guy is he to head into marriage so fast? What kind of guy would he be if he turned away from his wedding only to turn around and jump back into a relationship with you? Even if he did do that, I would bet a million dollars he would just keep in that pattern of never fully committing. A relationship with a guy that would do something like that, would be FULL of drama and chaos. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
I love, love love your self awareness! I love that you want to come into a relationship in a different way this time. It’s going to be a challenge and one you will have to forever manage, but that’s okay!
Here’s just a little education: Narcissism is meeting your needs at the expense of another. Co-dependence is meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Most times, a narcissist will find a dependent person. It works well actually because the narcissist gets all of their needs met while the dependent meets all the needs. It can work actually, as long as the dependent person stays where they are and doesn’t change anything.
What’s important about understanding these traits is they are not inherently a bad thing. Being narcissistic AND co-dependent is a good thing! In a healthy relationship, both people have BOTH qualities. There definitely will be times where you will need to meet your needs over your man’s needs and there will be times you will meet his needs over yours. That’s the goal! Doing BOTH!!
For you, what will be important is to really stay connected to yourself and YOUR needs and giving yourself permission to use your voice. It can be as simple as him saying, “where do you want to go for dinner?” You tell him where you want to go for dinner vs. saying “wherever you want to go. It doesn’t matter to me.” Even though it really, truly may not matter, you pick a place anyways. Making sure you insert your opinions, feelings and thoughts into all situations is what will start to get you more comfortable with using your voice to get your needs met.
There is sooooooo much to say about this topic and I don’t want to overwhelm you! I’ll stop here. Let me know your thoughts!!
Also, check out the movie “Runaway Bride.” It’s about co-dependent behavior. Sometimes it can help to watch someone go through it!
Heidi
Hi Tee,
I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I’m not guiding you towards cutting him or staying with him. That is completely YOUR choice. You are the only one who knows yourself the way you do. What I am wanting to accomplish with you is to get you connected to the truth of the situation, both about yourself and about him, and then you make decisions from that space.
There is a rule that exists for everyone. Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. Your greatest strength as a nurturing person, is also your greatest weakness. Our strengths become our weakness when we start to lose ourselves while trying to use our strength. For example, one of my greatest strengths is being able to understand and see intricacies about a situation that most people can’t see. It’s a wonderful strength when people are seeking advice and when I need to make changes to a situation. That strength has worked against me MANY times, when I am in a relationship and I just need to let things go. The common thing that my serious boyfriends have said about me, is that I over-analyze. I tend to take the most simple things and turn it into this “deep” conversation or “deep” issue. My intention is to help bring clarity and understanding to the situation. My intention is pure and from my heart. AND….they are right too. There are a lot of times I just need to let myself relax and not care.
The reason I am saying this nurturing of HIM in particular, not in general, is for your self esteem is this: There is a fundamental need for us ladies to feel chosen. It’s innate in us. The men do the choosing and the women are the chosen. So here you have this guy you have been connected with for many years, you have feelings towards him and he is saying to you “You are the only one…..you are special, you are my best friend….” When he is saying these things to you, it’s giving you this re-enforcement that you are loveable and valuable in his life. It’s pretty powerful because of the fact that you still have feelings for him. If you were just friends and there were no feelings on either side, it would be a nice compliment to hear. But because you both have feelings for each other, there is and extra power to those statements. AND it’s even extra, extra powerful because he is not yours. He hasn’t chosen you yet, so those statements are like gold when you hear them. It gives you value. It would be like this for ANYONE. This is what happens when there is scarcity. You want more what you can’t have right? Meaning…here he is not giving you ALL of what you want. Even though you know it wouldn’t be healthy to be with him right now, you still have feelings. Those feelings get ignited when he offers those compliments, then all the time in between those compliments, he creates scarcity in you by saying things like “this is why I can’t marry you….” This scarcity he creates is going to very naturally and easily trigger your desire to re-connect and become that “special person” to him again. Guys purposefully use this technique all the time. Let’s say they see a girl they like and she is in a group of 4 with her friends. He will walk up to the group, acknowledge everyone, then start engaging with all the ladies EXCEPT the one he really wants. He is creating scarcity for that one girl in order to magnify and intensify her feeling of rejection, which will then in turn cause her to want to engage with him even more. Us ladies are STRONG connectors. So when a guy disconnects by saying “This is why I can’t marry you….” it is going to activate your need to connect even more. I’m not saying he is knowingly using this technique. I don’t see that at all, yet it is a dynamic that is happening between you guys.
Again, I’m not saying you should disconnect at all. What I’m saying is to look at what is really keeping you connected. Let’s look at your fear…what would happen if you did disconnect? What would happen if you started dating someone else and fell in love with him? What would happen if your attention went somewhere else, even towards your own life and less went to him?
Heidi
HI Kathira!
This is a good question. Thank you for coming here and sharing your challenge with us. Let’s see if we can figure this out. It will take time, but we need more details in order to guide you better.
How long have you been dating?
This other woman, are they dating as well?
What are the issues you struggle with in your experiences with each other?
What is the current status of your relationship? Still talking, being intimate, dating?Share as much as you feel comfortable with and we can go from there.
Heidi
Hi Miss N,
Go back to being friends…don’t even try to date. Your goal right now is to get him to connect with you. Re-building the FRIENSHIP is what is going to keep the pressure off and help build trust and safety. If you try to date, that’s heading right back into relationship again and he wasn’t happy. So just be friends. By that, I mean, talk about fun things, ask questions about him, learn new things about him, have some fun adventures, but NOTHING intimate. Don’t talk about it, don’t try to make it happen….let him take the lead on that side of things. So why not start send him a light, fun text like, “Hey…saw this video and thought of you. Made me laugh. Hope it does the same for you!” “Hey…saw this guy helping a pregnant lady out with her groceries. Reminded me of you and how helpful you are to people.” (basically you want to offer compliments or let him know something you like him)
If he feels pressure on any level from you, he will not respond. So you don’t need to not communicate, you just need to make connecting light and easy. Give it time. He most likely will respond to that at some point. It can slowly draw him in. The idea here is just to get him to connect again. If you can get him connecting with you, laughing with you, talking with you…then that is great! THEN, after that friendship gets re-established, it is the pathway to something more. Baby steps.
Does this approach make sense?
Heidi
HI Sharon!
Great question! It sounds like you guys are being very smart about this.
One thing you want to keep in mind is if you invite him on a hike, can you guys stay friends? Are you able to not kiss, hold hands or do any “couple” type of things when you hang out? If so, I’d say go for it! I would reach out once and see what he does to respond and then I would put the ball in his court and let him make the initiative.
You can also just text him fun little things and say “Hey…saw this video and thought of you. Made me laugh!” xoxo
Keeping it light, simple and easy and letting him respond if he wants or not.
It’s not a game. It’s honoring the space he needs but also being a little connective. How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Tee,
Yes, I would agree. Those are words of someone feeling depressed. Most people deal with times of depression on some level. How serious it is, who knows. You probably know better than most since he shares quite a bit with you. From the words you have shared here, it sounds like a normal level of depression vs. something to be concerned about.
So you say that he is very self aware of knows his issues. That’s great! What is he doing to work on those issues? What kinds of actions is he taking to help make his life better?
The flip side to this, is your involvement and your need to “nurture” as well. You being the “only” one to be there for him in this special way, gives you a good dose of self – esteem too. It’s nice to feel special. It’s nice to have a special spot in someone’s heart. It’s nice, until it starts to wear on you. He is so plugged into you for his well being. There is a part of you that really enjoys that. That can be something you really look at for yourself in the process. You are choosing to participate in this and justify this relationship so you can help “save” him so to speak. I’ve worked with that mindset a ton, even personally. Men love to feel like heros and women LOVE to feel like we are nurturing and helping. Does this thought process make sense for you?
Heidi
Hi Tee,
wow…what an interesting situation!!! What a conversation!! He decides to say all of this to you AFTER you leave??? I don’t know if I would call him depressed, but he is definitely insecure. He needs everything to be perfect in order to feel good about a relationship with you. If anything goes wonky, he will have a BIG reaction because he has no internal self worth. His self worth is wrapped up in the OUTSIDE world. So as long as you are okay, then he is okay.
Whether he is depressed or not, it’s important for YOU to make a decision about what kind of person you want in your life. Do you want to walk on eggshells? The smallest little thing could trigger him into pushing you away instantly. In one second he is telling you how important you are in his life then the very next second he is pushing you away faster than a speeding bullet. That is enough information for you to know what kind of relationship you would have with him…even on a friend level. He want’s to call you his best friend??? That’s how he treats his best friend???
So it’s up to you. This is who he is until he really faces whatever it is that he is scared of. He has A LOT of baggage he is carrying around. The closer you are to him, the more he will blame you for HIS baggage. Is this what you want???
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your frustration. Who wouldn’t feel disheartened?? Don’t let this jade you though. There are A LOT of guys out there that have integrity and that you can count on. This guy has something inside…a fear…anger or something from his past that is causing him to have this kind of disrespect towards you. It might be towards women in general or this might be a pattern he does with everybody. Either way, this kind of pattern makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get close to him. This pattern is designed to ruin relationship and keep people an arm’s distance away. He is not ready to be in a relationship. He is ready to just date and keep things on the surface.
This has nothing to do with you! These issues were there looooong before you ever came along! Regardless, it doesn’t change that it hurts on the receiving end. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Time to forgive and move on. What are your next steps???
heidi
Hi Miss N,
I know how hard this is. It hurts deeply to have someone you really love, walk away. He has been through a lot. I am wondering if he just needs some time to figure out who he is in this world as a free man now. For men, they have a very strong need to produce and provide. It’s very natural for them. Here he was wanting to get married and have a baby, which I’m sure he does, but he needs to figure out money, he needs to resolve whatever is in him so he can feel competent to be a father. My guess is, his low self esteem is getting in the way. If he was blaming you for cheating, just because you weren’t home when you said you would be, he definitely has a lot of insecurities. Those insecurities just get magnified in marriage and even MORE magnified when having a baby. He is scared and rightly so. He needs to figure out who he is and maybe his way of doing that, is to be alone. Bickering a lot is exhausting. Even though you guys always worked it out, it can wear on someone.
How about you take the approach of staying connected and building that friendship and trust with him. That is the foundation of any good relationship anyways! Instead of trying to get him to come home, focus on building good communication skills, focus on becoming better friends, focus on laying a solid foundation about the kind of relationship you would like to have with him. If you pressure him to come back, that will most likely push him away. If you accept his choice, still stay connected, then you guys can have some wonderful conversations just about life and what’s going on. Those types of conversations are crucial! I also love the relationship rewrite method! There are some GREAT ideas in there to help you understand how you can be a better partner. He is right to walk away if he isn’t happy. So the more you understand what that was about, the more it empowers you to do what you can to help create a more peaceful relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Catherine,
I always suggest having people practice what they are going to say. I like to practice in my car. It’s important to say it out loud. What’s interesting is as you say it out loud, sometimes you will discover other things you want to say as well. So the more you say, the more you become comfortable with your approach and really fine tune what is important for you vs. over-talking. Guys get soooooo confused MANY times trying to follow the train of thought for a woman. They think very differently, so to be the most effective, being concise and VERY clear with what you say is crucial. It will help make the conversation much more smooth.
Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes!
Heidi
Hi Debra,
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way for you. Sometimes the most important lessons we learn in life happen because of being deeply hurt. That hurt is a gift. It helps you remember how to shift your approach. I’m glad you are able to see how to handle a situation differently in the future and how to take care of yourself better by being more cautious. Honestly, it sucks. I wish that it were possible to jump right in when there is a connection like that! It’s so much more fun that way. Instead, the more connection, the more cautious you need to be in order to make sure you seeing this person more clearly. That’s why I have a guy meet my friends, my dog, I expose him to MANY different scenarios, so I can see as many sides to him as possible. When strong feelings exist, it’s easy to miss things. If you have ways to be objective, it is helpful!!!
Thank you for sharing your story and challenges with us Debra!
Heidi
Hi Joan,
I find it interesting that he doesn’t want to sext with you, he doesn’t want to facetime with you when he is gone because he thinks he is being “checked up on.” An innocent man does not think that way. A guy who wants to connect with his women would be delighted to check in with her and have a chat. If a guy didn’t want to do that, most reasons would be because he has so much work to do….not because he thinks he is being checked up on. It’s NOT a communication gap Joan. It’s him having a guilty conscious and wanting his freedom. It’s quite normal for couples to FT when traveling. There is nothing weird with that. He may not have done any sex talk with this last incident, but he did immediately offer his location for her to come over. He didn’t share that information so she could come over for chat….to me, it’s worse. Sexting at least keeps distance, but the moment you tell your location and invite someone over, now the door is open. If she had shown up, he would have had sex with her.
I’m glad you had the strength to talk about this and how you are feeling. It sounds like it was a good conversation for you in that you got a lot more information and opened your eyes even further about who he is. I’m sorry it’s turning out this way. It hurts, especially when you thought things were getting stronger. Your idea of your relationship is being shattered and that is very painful.
So let me ask you this? What do you feel you need to think about? What information do you need to help you decide to leave? What information do you need to help you decide to stay? You are sitting on the fence and trying to process this, so sometimes what can help to create movement, in either direction, is figuring out what you need to know in order to jump off the fence and move in a direction.
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
What can happen is when our parents model for us how to exist in this world, that becomes a part of who we are as children. Also, as you show emotion as a child and then don’t get a response from your parent OR you get a negative response, it teaches the child to shut down their emotions so they don’t feel rejected or hurt. It’s what children do to survive the challenges in life (subconsciously of course). As we enter into adulthood, those same coping skills we developed to help us survive and handle our childhood, now start to hurt us as we try to create new relationships. This is where a lot of conflict and challenge can show up.
I imagine you want to feel more than you do, yes? Have you found your lack of emotion in relationship is causing a barrier somehow? Would love some examples!
Heidi
Hi Catherine!
Okay. So it sounds like there is good direction for the moment. So when you make a request you can say something like this:
“It’s time to talk about the “being late’ pattern again. I finally have admitted to myself that it’s a deal breaker for me. At the same time, I want to build a life with you. You are an incredible man and someone I want to keep in my life. Reality is though, when you don’t show up on time and when you don’t follow through on your word, I don’t trust your word and trust is a foundational need if a relationship is going to last. I’m only going to request this one last time. Would you be willing to see a coach or therapist to figure out what’s going on for you? I don’t mean just a few times, but be willing to really work on this area of your life until it’s resolved? I will work on it with you. I will work on myself as well and my patience and my acceptance. I know I am part of this equation and have my own work to do around it. Let’s fight for this. We have a great connection and I want it to keep growing. Will you join me on this?”
What do you think?
Heidi
