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Hi Melissa!
I’m glad you wrote in! What a wonderful birthday! He said some amazing things!
I’m just wondering, what were your responses to everything he said? Other than “you have too much going on to move in” what did you say to him after he opened up his heart to you with all of those wonderful feelings of his?
Did you ever think that it was a HUGE deal that he basically professed his love to you and then YOU don’t even contact him? He took a huge step of vulnerability, which is terrifying and if he didn’t feel you were on the same page, he might have taken a step back, wondering if he scared you away. He just might be kicking himself right now for saying everything that he did to you and now he may think he scared you away because he hasn’t heard from you.
Just something to consider.
He is your boyfriend. Why would you think you were “bugging” him? What is your normal pattern of communication? Daily texting? Daily phone calls?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
The moment you stop building a life for yourself (no matter the age), you have stopped living. So good job still fighting for it! You have a wonderful mindset that will get you where you want to go!
I can understand now why he would be afraid of hurting you. Women respond intensely to depth in a man, because it is so rare. So I can see why many women would fall hard for him, yet he would not feel the same intensity. I think I agree with you about him being worried about you falling in love with him, especially since you are bending over backwards to stay connected with him.
With this being said, make sure you create some space for him to chase you. It’s important that you say “no” to him sometimes and make him work for you a little bit. I’m sure you already know this from everything you have learned over the years, but thought I would re-iterate it. Holding some of yourself back and making him earn those special parts of who you are, makes the relationship much more interesting, mysterious and captivating. He will respond to that most likely. He is probably so used to women giving him everything he wants, because they have fallen for him. He probably would love to have to work a little harder and respect that more!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
You are right! I will never forget a day (about 20 years ago) when I smiled and said hi to a man that passed me at the gas station pump. I was just being nice when we made eye contact. It wasn’t flirty at all. When he walked back out, he stopped and said to me something to the affect of, “Thank you so much for saying hello. It actually has made my entire day!” And then he got in his car and left. He imprinted on me a very important message that somehow I have never forgotten (I forget everything!!! lol). So keep it up!!!
Hi Loana!
Thank you for writing in! It would help to have more details if you feel okay about sharing more.
1. You have been married 3 months. For those 3 months, were you physically close for those 3 months?
2. How long did you date before you got married?
3. Is the couple’s counseling working? (that’s great you both are getting help!)
4. Do you know why your husband wishes to be free?
5. Do you want to have sex, but he doesn’t? Or maybe he wants sex and you don’t….what’s the situation?
6. How old are the both of you?Whenever there is a lack of intimacy, it’s usually either a physical problem, a problem with the hormones or something emotionally has happened. Do you know which it is?
Heidi
HI Sharon,
WELL DONE!!! I know how hard and tempting it is to connect with the guy who puts butterflies in your stomach, as often as possible. You are being smart by being good with 3 nights and leaving it at that. When you are a super strong connector like you are, it’s important to put on the breaks and let the guy take the lead. If you took the lead, it may be overwhelming to him.
I’m guessing you are seeing this evening and you already hung out yesterday. How did everything go???
As far as your other guy, it’s interesting that he won’t hang out, but he is still interested in connecting. In all the texting, is he flirty at all? Is there still chemistry? Or are you guys interacting more like friends?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Wow! You sure have had a go at it haven’t you! I think that’s awesome! Those are some seriously tough relationships and here you are, still choosing to give love a shot! I have a lot of respect for you for growing and learning and not giving up on the type of experience you want to have in your life! Love is a process and very rarely, an easy one. It sounds like you have been getting to know yourself really well and bottom line, that is the most important aspect of this journey!!!
The marco polo app is not a social media platform. It would be no different than a texting app, except it’s video, not texting. However, if his company wanted to take his phone back, they could see all the videos you both sent to each other….he can delete them though each time if he wanted.
It sounds like everything is going the way it needs to for right now. The slower the better, especially since you are not even officially divorced yet. I am wondering if he thinks about that at all. I have no doubt you both have talked about it, as it sounds like your communication is pretty spectacular!
So I would love to hear some ways that you give of yourself too much. Do you know why? How long have you been aware of this about yourself? Is that part of you shifting now?
Thank you for sharing that. I’d love to talk more about it!
Heidi
Holy smokes! He really is under a lot of time constraints. That’s so sad! It’s not a way to live life at all. Hopefully it really will be a short season of this vs. a long term choice. If it’s a short season, then I suggest a bit of a different approach.
First and foremost, you need to be VERY clear of what you want from him. It’s crucial that you don’t approach this with a “I want more time with you or more connection with you” and leave it at that. Men need CLEAR and CONCISE directions.
I just had an idea pop into my head that may be a good way to meet your needs and even his. Have you ever heard of the app Marco Polo? It’s really wonderful! I admit to being HORRIBLE at keeping in touch with people. I strongly dislike talking on the phone and whenever I text, it’s very abbreviated and with limited information. Then Marco Polo came around. My friend in China introduced it to me and now, we exchange messages about 4 to 5 times a week. It’s like walkie talkie, but you do it as a video. I love it because I can put my phone on the mount in my car and I can just turn on Marco Polo and start talking while I’m driving. Once I’m done talking, then the video message immediately gets sent to him. Then he sends me a message whenever he is ready. It’s so great because I get to see his face, here is tone of voice and we both just babble on about all kinds of stuff. It’s easy, effortless and I can do while in my car since every other minute of my day is booked. I am a crazy busy person, but this works for me. Since he is driving so much, maybe this can be a good way to stay connected! He can listen to your video messages in his car as well!
You can maybe introduce it like this…”Listen…I miss you terribly. You make me feel things that I have never felt before. Because of that, it makes it that much more difficult to have such an amazing and deep connection with you and then go to very little contact. I understand your situation and I accept it. I’m not going anywhere. I was just thinking of ways that we can keep connecting without taking up anymore of your time. So I thought about this app Marco Polo…..”
What about that approach?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
Thanks for sharing your story and offering some very good / important detail. It’s always helpful for us!
I totally understand why you are confused and having a hard time. It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening here. When he says he is afraid of hurting you, that is saying he doesn’t trust himself. He doesn’t trust that he has follow through and sustainability with a woman and / or he doesn’t want to go through his own feelings of breaking up with you and / or he has very little capability of handling a relationship and the hurt and disappointments he causes in you (which are just normal relationship things).
He set his life up pretty well. He gets to disappear, because of work and he gets to connect when he feels like it and not in recovery mode. So he creates a lot of time for himself (which keeps the distance) and then has some intense intimate time with you (which feels wonderful) and then he goes back to his alone time.
Reality is, how he designs his life and how he manages his stress is not relationship conducive. It works well for something light and easy playful, but for an intense, deep relationship, it will never work. He is not allowing you into his life except when it’s convenient for him. And here you are, having intense, deep connections with him and then immediately back to zero…to hardly any connection at all. Any woman would have a hard time with this.
Have you talked about creating a different design? I think it’s important for you to have your needs acknowledged here. He is getting every the wants and he asks for it and expects it. Why not you? Relationship is about compromise. You can say something like, “It’s difficult for me to go from this wonderful connection to almost nothing and never knowing when you will be available again. I understand your needs and how you respond to your life. The thing is, I can’t sustain this kind of design. I want to grow with you and get to know you. Slowly is fine for me, but maybe we can create a different design of “slow”. Instead of an all or nothing kind of thing, can we arrange date night once a week? Can we arrange a skype call once a week? I need a little encouragement here if you would like me to hang on and keep moving forward with you. What do you think?”
How does a conversation of this nature make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
NO question is too small or silly. All questions are good to ask because you are learning! Good for you! Your approach to life is about getting different perspectives, trying things out and not trying to figure it out all on your own! Any guy who captures your heart will be very lucky to have a partner who handles her life in that way!
Now about your question. There are no “rules” per se. You have to consider the situation and who he is. What you do know is that he is responsive when you initiate. You also know he is shy. I know many guys who get stuck and have such a hard time starting a conversation but excellent at responding. Maybe this is his deal. Who knows! I think that if you keep doing what you did (which was excellent btw) where you just commented on his post. It then lead into a conversation without you “directly” starting it. It’s a way to let him know you see him, you are paying attention to him and it’s a window for him to connect with you. He may be wondering if you like him. He may not be very well versed about women, so maybe try to throw in some flirting. So let’s say he has a picture of him hiking, you can say “Beautiful! I’m jealous! You look so happy with that gorgeous smile of yours!”
Also, can you organize an event? What if you organized a “game night” or something and you invite him. It would be a great way to get to know him amongst other people as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amy!
I can see why you are confused! Lots of mixed messages from him.
Let’s talk about you for second. Are you wanting a committed relationship or are you okay just keeping things like and enjoying the flirting?
I just want to reflect back to you something…You said you don’t believe he is the type of person that would lie, yet he was flirting with you when he had a GF. He mislead you and his GF. That’s not being fully and completely honest. He was out of his integrity, therefore lying. If he did that with her, he will most likely do it with you or any other lady in the future. If that’s how he wants to handle challenge in a relationship, that a HUGE RED FLAG! If something wasn’t working in his favor, it’s his responsibility to create closure or take care of the situation BEFORE extending his energy out to someone else.
If you also feel he is still hurting from his divorce and this last relationship, wouldn’t you want him to resolve all of that first before stepping forward with him?
He sounds like someone who loves to interact and play with the sexual energy, but there is no substance behind any of it. He is not taking anything further and he admittedly says he doesn’t want anything.
So with all of that said, if this were a friend of yours, how would you advise them to proceed?
Heidi
HI Chymese,
Man, I can see why you would be really hurt. You are watching another woman inspire in him things that you have wanted from him for a long time. Ouch!
Would you consider letting him go? Every person brings out a different side in us. When looking for a partner, we want to see that we can inspire MANY sides in them. It’s obvious that what you are wanting from him, he is not willing to offer. I’m so sorry! The reason doesn’t really matter. It just matters that he is not his best most amazing self when he is with you. That is not your fault! You are not your best self either though. I imagine it’s not your best self to keep sleeping with a guy who is non committed, a bit of an absent father and sleeping with other women. That doesn’t feel good! You are in a constant state of rejection with him. This is why I am inviting you to let this go. It’s not healthy for you! Are you willing to close the door and look at other possibilities? No more sex with him or anything else for that matter. Just deal with him when it comes to your children and that’s it. Let yourself heal and move on. You deserve to experience a man who is completely taken by you! A man who can’t imagine his day without talking to you. A man who has no resistance, whatsoever, to be a part of your life and your kids’ lives! Are you willing to fight for that???
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Isn’t it funny how things happen like that sometimes???
I wouldn’t read too much into the Facebook thing. I do it all the time. I forget to accept friend requests and sometimes, I get so overwhelmed with all the info that I mostly just stay away from Facebook. I am not a common user…lol.
As far as his shyness, remember that it’s pretty tough for a guy. Facing a woman and dealing with the possible rejection is just plain hard. Imagine if you were the person who had to do all of the asking out. Imagine all the pressure was on you to make things happen. I’ve put myself in that position before where I went through a phase where I wanted to know what it felt like to be a guy. So I became the initiator. I become the one who made things happen. It is soooo hard and scary!!! lol! I learned so much and since then, have great appreciation what they have to go through with us ladies.
I understand wanting to find someone who is less shy and a lot more pursuant. AND…maybe keep the door open a little longer. There is so much to learn from all different types of guys. You might find that despite his shyness, he opens up more and more as he gets to know you. Maybe give him that chance? just a thought, but of course you know what feels best for you. Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Shannon!
Good luck on house hunting!!! This is REALLY exciting for you both! Especially you! There is something very special about creating your very own home! Keep us updated!
The male side of your personality is controlled by your left brain and the female side, your right brain. The male side is the “doer” the producer, the part of you that gets things done, deals with money, deals with logic. The female side is where your nurturer lives. That side deals with all the emotions, your relationships, it’s where your triggers live. It’s what is expressed in the yin and yang symbol as well. It can all be expressed in many different ways. You can look it up and you will find a gazillion different thoughts about. But basically, it’s your male energy buying the house. It’s your female energy that will have the emotional reaction to each house. It’s your female energy that wants your man to be with you. It’s your male energy that says, but he is sick, I understand. Is this making more sense?
Heidi
HI Sharon,
This is sooooo good for you! So what is your plan??? You are worried about losing yourself, so what EXACT steps are you going to take to make sure that doesn’t happen. I will have clients put “me time” spots in their calendars, make sure they have dates with their friends, make sure to continue any hobbies they love and most of all, have accountability. This is how you learn to operate differently in your life. So what is your plan? What areas of your life do you neglect when a guy/s shows up? How do you end up losing your head?
Let’s create a plan for you!
Heidi
Hi Lois,
I understand how badly you want things to go back to how they used to be awhile ago. It’s a start that he is coming around more and letting you know how he misses you.
Do you know what EXACTLY is keeping him staying with that other girl?
The first thing I want to suggest is to learn some skills about how to communicate when things get tough. Being abusive, belittling and harmful to another will break their hearts. Your guy needs to feel safe with you. Have you ever done any kind of anger management or read some books or worked with someone to help you deal with situations differently? I am wondering if he would return home faster if he knew that you were improving upon that side of yourself, beyond just saying “I’m sorry” and being regretful.
Do you know why he shifted at that time? Do you know why he originally started to get distant? Was there a pattern about what the arguments were about?
More information is helpful! But to start, be patient. I know you want things now, as we all do. Learning to accept his choice, honor that he is not quite ready yet and just build your friendship, can be really helpful in drawing him to you. The more you pressure him to do what YOU want, the more it will trigger his need to stay somewhere else. When he feels respected, listened to, honored…that is what draws a person in more and more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
