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Hi Valerie,
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
The first thing I want to recommend is to NOT play the game he plays with you. It hurts right? Are you wanting to hurt him?
It most likely will cause him to put his walls up and that is the last thing you want to do.
Second thing is, it’s important for you to really understand that IF he ever does change how he handles confrontation, it needs to come from him. This is not about you saying or doing anything specific to get him to change that behavior of his. This type of pattern has been inside of him most likely his entire life. It’s a natural and instinctive way to respond. He may never change that part of him. I know many people who don’t. So if you are going to stay with him, this is just part of the equation, just as your limitations are part of who you are as well.
So how long does he usually disappear for? A few days? A week? How does he connect again? Does he just text you one day? Do you guys ever end up talking what happened and resolve the issue or does he just want to pretend it’s all okay and not talk about the argument? Do you guys argue about the same kinds of things?
Heidi
one more quick question….
is there any evidence, other than him not coming up to visit, that you are not enhancing his life? Is there any other evidence of you feeling like he is losing interest in general?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Thanks for your story!
I really want to encourage you to not take this personally. The BIGGEST trap that many women fall into is the thinking, “If he really loved me, he would have come to visit me. I would have come for a visit and not cancelled last minute.” It’s putting your thoughts and feelings into his situation. You keep saying you understand, but you really don’t. You have NO IDEA how he is really feeling. He isn’t talking to you about it, which is the FIRST sign that he is under A LOT of stress. He was most likely triggered by the event. He got evacuated from him home! That is so scary!!!! The environment he is in right now is depressing, challenging and completely overwhelming. He is surrounded by smoke (as I know you are as well) and he was close enough to it, that he had to go through this very stressful moment of having to decide what to take from his home very quickly and evacuate.
Men, many times, when they reach a certain stress level, just want to be alone. They need to sort things out before they come out of their “cave.” IT”S NOT PERSONAL! It doesn’t mean that you aren’t meeting his needs. It doesn’t mean that you are not providing the “enhancement” in his life. It just means that he is super stressed and he just needed to be alone, in his house that he thought he might lose. Of course he wants to stay home!
The best thing you can do right now is to support him. Maybe bake him some cookies and send it to him. Maybe you go visit him instead? Maybe offer to take him to a movie? I don’t know how you guys interact, but for right now, it needs to be all about him and supporting him as he gets through this difficult moment….and supporting him, might mean to give him space. It’s easy to ask, “How can I best support you right now? Would you like me to disappear for a few days? Would you like me to come visit?”
Even getting him to talk about it. “Tell me what kinds of thoughts went through your head when you were told you had to evacuate. What did you take with you?” He might not be ready to talk about it just yet, but at some point he will be, so create the space for it.
Make sense?
Heidi
For couples who are drifting apart, “The Relationship Rewrite Method” is a wonderful tool. I’m not sure if that is the one you are already reading or not, but just in case it isn’t, check it out!
Hi Myloe!
Thank you for writing in. I’m not sure what step 1 is, as we have many programs. What specifically are you reading?
How long have you been married? We can also offer specific guidance for you if you would like to share you story a bit more.
Heidi
Hi Dora,
This is a great question!
The answer is you don’t. You don’t change him. You don’t spend ANY energy or thoughts into figuring out how to be important to him. If you are already trying to figure out how to be important to him, in a BRAND NEW relationship where it needs to be effortless and easy, then you are in looooooong road of rejection.
This is who he is and it is important you really truly understand that. It is a VERY unkind thing to do to enter into a relationship hoping they will change. You are not accepting him for who he is, and he deserves that. Any changes he makes, needs to be from himself. HE needs to want to change. If you just keep telling him how you want him to think about you sometimes, he will feel like you are “nagging” him, he will feel like he can’t make you happy and he will start to feel resentful and pull away.
So the best thing you can do, is to accept him for who he is. He is selfish. And he gets to be. It is YOUR choice if you want to participate in that.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I’m trying to really get you connected to the truth.
Maybe you guys can just keep visiting each other and not take the steps to move in together yet. You may find he shifts over time as he gets used to the idea of having to think about someone else. Just slow things down a bit and keep gathering more information.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
We are glad you are back and sharing your situation again. Thank you for the article. I don’t have time to read it at the moment, but I saved it to my computer and will check it out later. Thank you!
In regards to your situations, it is strange isn’t it, how it was working out and now it’s not….I mean not really. Not the way you are wanting. What I find is that as I start to shift, situations tend to show up to “test” me as if the universe were saying, “You want to change eh? Let’s see how badly you want to change.” And those situations either pull me back into old patterns or I decide to not get involved and make a different choice. I don’t mean it literally that the universe is testing you, it’s more about the concept of what we end up attracting. You are not fully and completely over that past pattern. If you were, you would not keep involving yourself with men who are not available for you. You keep making exceptions because of how “amazing” Matt is and hoping that once he “gets over” this phase, he will be ready for you. It’s important that you keep yourself present and in THIS moment. Right now, he is not available, so how do you handle that? Are you going to keep “hoping” or are you going to set some boundaries for yourself so you don’t let your heart get involved with a guy who is not available?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lorelle!
This is great news! You always want to look for a pattern of behavior to know there has been a shift. It looks like he is really shifting to having you in his life more and more. YAYAYAYAYAYA!
Keep us updated and let us know how this weekend goes and how it goes with all of his friends. Remember, you still need to play a little hard to get sometimes. It would be good for you to not available because you have to go out with some friends, or you have some other things to do. This is something you want to do ALWAYS. It keeps the other person on their toes. Even if you’ve been married for 20 years, this is something you want to do sometimes to keep things fresh.
Heidi
Hi Tracey,
Thanks for writing in. Of course you are starving for affection! It is extremely difficult to be in a relationship where there is no affection at all, regardless if he gives it to other people or not, even though that does make it much more difficult.
I just have a few questions:
1. How long has this been going on?
2. Are you married? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been together?
3. Was there something specific that happened in your relationship that you can attribute to his behavior?
4. Has he ever been affectionate with you?He is behaving in a way that suggest he is punishing you for something. Maybe he feels resentful? Maybe he still feels hurt? No matter what it is, his walls are up and he is not willing to let you in. The problem goes much deeper than just affection. The foundation of your relationship is not healthy.
Have you guys ever tried counseling or a Relationship Coach? My guess is, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed and worked through, before the affection can show up.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diana!
Thanks for your question! Have you guys ever talked about past relationship? When you are together, is there any flirting at all? Does he ever behave in a way that makes you think he might be attracted to you romantically? Do you ever flirt with him?
It’s been 15 months. It might be time to have the conversation and be a bit more direct. But before you do that, it’s important you are very clear about what you want. Do you want a committed relationship? Would you be happy just seeing him more often?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
I am so sorry! It’s so frustrating for someone to just disappear. It’s hurtful and you feel discarded.
I would not suggest any further phone calls. You have made your efforts and he is not responding. You want to not “de-value” yourself in his eyes, but think about this…. a woman is willing to date him while she is aware that he is being intimate with and dating another woman. Do you really think he won’t see you as being a bit “desperate?” You care more than you are willing to admit. You are here, asking for guidance and advice. That means you care, yet you are telling him that it won’t bother you if he is sleeping with another woman and building a relationship with her??? If it doesn’t bother you, then that says to him that you don’t care. That’s quite a mixed message.
You believe in the strength of your connection, but his attentions are elsewhere. Whatever experience he is choosing to have right now with this other woman, it’s more than the connection he has with you. He has made his choice. DO NOT allow yourself to be the person on the “backburner.” That is dis-honoring to you and de-values you….to yourself! You don’t deserve to play second fiddle…unless you really don’t care…then it doesn’t really matter….but that’s not the case here.
So I suggest you create closure. You can say something like, “Listen…I get that your attentions are elsewhere and I am going to respect that. You won’t hear from me anymore. I will miss you. I hope you find what you are looking for! Should anything change, hit me up and we can go for drinks or something.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shalini,
Thank you for sharing your story! I am so sorry for what you are going through! I know your heart is broken…again. Your marriage did not work and now this love does not get to grow.
I think it’s important for you to let him go. He is not available for you. It’s really that plain and simple. He is married. Despite your feelings for each other, he is not willing to leave his wife and he is very clear about that.
I think it’s really important for your healing to let him go. Maybe 20 years down the road, your love can flourish or maybe you will even find someone new to get to grow with and feel happy with. But for right now, he is NOT a possibility.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you were and are hoping for some sort of magical solution to fix this. I don’t blame you. It’s important however, that you honor his choice and that you even honor the marriage. Happy or not, they did make a commitment to each other and they BOTH are choosing to still participate. How would you feel if a woman was doing everything she could to take your husband?? It would hurt!
Care enough about him and care about what it means to be a wife to let them figure this out on their own without you in the picture.
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Reed,
Thank you for all the details! It is helpful for being able to offer some guidance.
I understand why you are so confused. He is sending some mixed messages and it can get confusing.
I’m going to just be very blunt and straight up right now. You are not listening to him. You are wanting something from him that he does not want to offer. He DOES NOT WANT to be in a relationship. He does not believe in love. He is giving you all that he has right now.
The problem here is, you are not accepting that about him and you are constantly pulling at him for more. This is what is making you “needy.” A guy DOES NOT want to have to re-assure his woman all the time about how he feels. A guy needs to know his woman is okay without him, his woman has a strong sense of who she is. A guy wants to know his woman has standards about how she is treated and that she will not accept anything less than that. So far, you have shown him, that is not who you are. You have allowed yourself to be treated meanly by him. You have chased and chased and chased after him, even though he has treated you badly…..all of which makes you appear desperate and needy. He does not see that you have much respect for yourself. A man needs to chase the woman. You have made yourself available to him in any form that he wants. You are basically saying, “You can mistreat me, you can use me, you can reject me, you can play games with me AND I will continue to chase you so you can just keep doing that.”
So let’s just start with you. What is going on for you that you keep chasing this guy? He is not available. He has told you that in many different ways. Instead, you are trying to change him. That is a pretty normal trap women fall into and it is a GUARANTEED failure. SO the first place to start, is to stop asking him how he feels, stop trying to put any definition on the relationship and ACCEPT that you are choosing a man who does not want to offer his heart to you. He has a lot of walls up and it is not YOUR job to knock them down. That is HIS job. If you keep trying to take a hammer and break down those walls, you will chase him away in an instant. So this is about you setting some standards. Stop asking him how he feels about you and wait for him to tell you. Stop chasing him and initiating all the time and let him initiate. Stop talking about the relationship and wait for him to bring it up. If he never brings it up, if he never tells you how he feels, then that tells you that he is just not that kind of guy and most likely never will be.
And lastly, it is not your fault that he is this way. Whatever the reasons are for his walls to be up so high, those things happened to him waaaaay before you came along. ANY woman would have a hard time getting a deep connection from him. He has his emotions and his heart on lockdown. So this is not about you and him not committing to you because it’s you. He doesn’t and won’t commit to anyone. Even if he ended up in a relationship with another woman down the road….I GUARANTEE you, it won’t be a happy one. He has to deal with the pain and hurt that is in those walls, if he is ever going to truly love again.
Does this make sense?
And lastly, go check out our product “What Men Secretly Want” There is a section in there talking about the Respect Principle.” This would be a wonderful thing for you to read! It will help you connect to yourself better and help the dynamics between you guys, change a bit. It won’t fix that he is emotionally unavailable, but I think it will help you learn how to take care of yourself better!
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m so sorry to hear this! I know how hard that can be to one minute start planning a future and then the next minute, you don’t exist. First, it’s important to understand the he is someone REALLY committed to his family. It is a wonderful quality AND it is also not a good quality. Each one of us has those types of qualities that are great in life AND not so great…just depending on the situation. As you are experiencing, this wonderful quality of his, is not working out so well for you, being on the receiving end of it. This is who he is and it’s important for you to see what his tendencies are.
It’s not about you. This is about his heart being overtaken by his need to take care of his family and his fear of what will happen if he doesn’t. That fear is bigger than his plan with you. Fear is sooooo powerful.
So let’s just start with plan A. If it doesn’t work, then we can go to a plan b or plan c. To start, what are some ways you can support him during this time. Put your plans on hold for right now about moving in together. That can happen a little later when he feels everything is settled down. So in the meantime, it’s about finding out what is stressing him out so deeply and doing what you can to guide him through that challenge and support his need to help his family. So what kinds of things can you do for him??
Heidi
Hi Monique,
This is so difficult isn’t it? That’s the million dollar question…how do I NOT worry??? The thing is, that isn’t the real question to take you towards healing. If you understand that your worry is about you not feeling like you are enough…it’s just simple low self esteem….then your questions would be….who taught me that I was not enough in life? Who rejected me in the past and caused me to feel like I wasn’t good enough? Where did I learn that I wasn’t enough??
These types of questions can usually lead you to the places where that low self esteem began to grow inside of you. So usually, my first questions are about your family. How was your relationship with your father? your mother? your siblings?
The thing is, working with low self esteem is a process. Truth be told, YOU are choosing this situation. YOU are choosing to be with a guy who has 1 foot out the door. So what does that say about you?? It tells me that you would rather have this connection with this guy MORE than connection with yourself. It isn’t a very loving thing for your heart to have to be in a situation where someone isn’t fully invested. Many times, when women choose this type of situation, they are SUBCONSCIOUSLY trying to work through a lot of the same issues they have had in their past. Maybe they had a father that was emotionally unavailable, so they keep being with guys who are emotionally unavailable…and SUBCONSCIOULY they think…if this emotionally unavailable guy finally chooses me, fights for me, values me….THEN I am finally valuable. I have mastered it! Unfortunately, it NEVER turns out that way, as there are so many problems with that kind of design to begin with.
So if you really want to not worry, then it’s about exploring in yourself….what is happening inside of you, that you would choose a guy that is emotionally unavailable? That’s where your low self esteem lives and will be able to give you an answer. I also HIGHLY recommend doing this with a someone skilled at guiding you through this process. If you have this kind of dating pattern, it really might be worth it for you so you can actually shift the pattern.
Does any of this make sense???
Heidi
