Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Valerie,
There may be a way to work on this with him. What if you guys had a talk about it (not during or after a fight, but when things are good) and you said something like this, “When you disappear like that, it leaves me hanging, not knowing what the heck is going on or what to expect. It is sooooo difficult and causes me to put walls up and prepare for the worst. I want to honor you and am learning that you need some space and time to mull things over before you discuss them again. Would you be willing to help me as well? You just would make me feel soooo much more at peace if you could say something like ‘Listen, I need to think things through, so I’m gonna disappear for a bit, but I will contact you in 2 days and we will talk things through. If I’m not ready in 2 days, I will text you and let you know.'”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Jessica!
Great question! I suggest to just go slow. I know you were in love with him in the past, but you really don’t know who he is today. It’s been 15 years, you are going through a divorce and it’s long distance. Those 3 things in and of itself means you need to take things VERY slow, so you can make sure YOU are clear and not just making him a rebound.
Developing the friendship is the most important. Will you guys be able to visit each other at all?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I wish I had a magic formula to help ease your pain. There is a very valuable skill to be learned during this VERY difficult time. I call it “being in the lake of I don’t know.” Meaning, how do you still create resolution, closure and healing when you will never know what caused the ending or how the other person is feeling. It is terribly difficult to do however once you really resolve yourself to being okay with “not knowing” healing can start to take place and you develop your skill of becoming more resilient.
Here is the thing….you are putting your healing on hold as long as you keep trying to figure out why he ghosted you. By doing that, you are putting ALL of your power in his hands, therefore continue to let your hear feel tortured. It’s time to take back your power. You have 100% ability to heal without ever knowing what happened. How? YOU close the door. You tell yourself “I don’t know what happened and now, it doesn’t even matter. The fact that he is ghosting me like this, gives me enough information for me to know that I DO NOT and WILL NOT invited that kind of mindset into my life. I am more valuable than being treated this way. So I reject him and I reject the idea of him being in my life. I want more from a man, I require that a man respects himself and respects me enough to face his fears and communicate with me, even when it’s difficult.”
So it’s time for you to stop counting the days. It’s time for you to close your heart off. No more hoping. It’s over. Stop posting pictures in efforts to portray that you are happy and hoping he sees them. Make no more efforts to get his attention. Maybe it’s time you send him a message of closure. Again, you can say something like, “Hey…I have no idea why you chosen to stop communicating with me. I have come to accept and this and am now creating closure for myself. So I am writing to just let you know I will no longer be contacting you and I am creating closure. I wish you all the best things in your life….take care.”
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. And of course the loss of him just makes it that much more difficult. It’s heart wrenching.
I just want to invite you to think about something. Whenever you put an “ultimatum” on someone (i.e. you need to do this….or you will lose me) it’s putting the power in the other person’s hands. You are making HIM decide instead of you deciding for yourself. As long as you stay connected and available to date casually, you are participating in his “split” energy. He is sitting on the fence. He has you on one side and the other girl on the other side. I know you understand his reasoning, but reality is, there are MANY times in life that we are faced with more than one choice and if we are going to stay focused, committed and invested in a certain path, then no matter how much the other choices pull at us, it’s important to kill off that choice in order to stay focused. That is not the choice he is making. He wants to stay connected to you AND see what’s happening with this other girl. There is no way he will ever find out unless he fully invests with her and closes the door to you OR closes the door to her and invests with you. He cannot sit on the fence and get enough information about either of you in order to know where he wants to invest. So he IS stringing you along and the way you have set this up allows him to stay split and not make a decision. He knows that if he makes a decision in either direction, he will feel the consequences (the loss) and that is something he is not willing to do. He wants his cake and eat it too. So this is where I want to encourage you to set a different kind of boundary and let him go. Kill off his choice to connect with you. He needs to feel what his life is like WIHTOUT you in, to really know and FEEL what he is choosing. With making yourself still available, he doesn’t have to feel the loss the of you. Being as invested as you are, I know how much this hurts, but your commitment to yourself and your love of self is also pretty wonderful. You are sitting around waiting for a man to fight for you. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not doing for yourself. If you REALLY TRULY were fighting for yourself and caring for your heart in the best possible way, you would be saying, “I am the shit! I am an incredible person to love and receive love from and I am someone you are lucky to have in your life. Being that you are not sure of this, then I need to accept that and take my heart energy back and heal and invest in someone who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he wants to be with me, no matter who else comes into the picture.” I’m not saying you should say that to him, I’m just saying this is the kind of mindset of someone who is really committed to protecting and caring for their heart. How you have designed this is caring more about the connection than how your heart is feeling.
With all of that being said, I also suggest to not use him for comfort. You need to feel your life without him as well. Reality is, even if you were to connect with him and receive his comfort and then bond through your pain and him comforting you, he still has energy that is going out to this other woman and will leave you and still connect with her. How awful does that feel???? It will just magnify your pain!! Sharing your pain is such a vulnerable and precious thing and it should never be shared with ANYONE who isn’t fully present with you and you have the type of SOLID relationship that allows for follow up and continual support. That is NOT what you have with him right now, so sharing with him can easily just create more pain for you. Once your relationship has solidarity, THEN you can count on him and TRUST that he has your back not only in that moment, but many moments thereafter.
I know I have given you a lot to think about and you may even be quite resistant at first. Just sit with it for a bit. If there is any truth in what I am saying, you will know. You are a very strong soul and that means you can handle seeing the truth. Acting upon the truth is a whole different story though. There are PLENTY of times I have knowingly ignored the truth and went forward anyways and that’s okay too! There are always lessons to learn no matter what you decide.
Heidi
Hi Shree,
What wonderful realizations you have had. It sounds like he really does open up, but only when he wants to and only when he is not being pushed. Right now, it’s not really an issue, but I really want you to consider that it changes once you get into a romantic relationship with him and if you continue to build a family. When 2 people start to live together and intertwine their lives, communication is so so so important!!! I imagine he might be the type to just hold his feelings in about things that might frustrate him or irritate him and he won’t tell you until it has built up. I don’t know for sure if that is how he will behave, but most likely. He holds his feelings very close and that creates a GIANT problem the closer you get to someone. If there is not open and free flowing communication about ALL areas of life, you are going to run into some major challenges. I’m only saying this for you to be aware of what you are choosing. It’s crucial you really see the challenges you will face the deeper you go with him. So just be ready and really make sure your expectations match who he IS and not what you want him to be for you. I could totally be wrong AND it’s important to be realistic. He is NOT that kind of guy that you can just “trigger” and he all of a sudden has an undying passion for you. In order for a person to have undying passion, there has to be an internal self esteem, strength and safety to support that undying passion. He DOES NOT HAVE THAT! He does not feel safe inside of himself. He has limited trust inside of himself therefore limited trust in you. . You explained that part of your attraction to him was his quiet and reserved self. It is not even in his personality to express undying passion in romance, especially since he is still protecting himself from hurt due to past relationships.
I’m not trying to change your mind. I am wanting to ground you in the reality of who he is so you know what you are dealing with and set your expectations accordingly. You will find so much more ease and peace as you move forward with him. I think you are wise to wait a bit to tell him how you feel. Being that he doesn’t handle emotional stress so well, it’s good for him to focus on his current situation and get through it, before connecting with you in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Janet!
I’m glad to hear you are grateful in your life and have a lot of good things going for you! I imagine that is part of why the men say “How are you still single?” You have a lot going for you.
AND…we all have areas where we struggle. I have a ton of self esteem and strength and quite an amazing life and in certain areas, I still have a lot of work to do and that is normal. So it sounds like you struggle a bit more in the romance department.
I’m not sure of your question. What “stuff” are you referring to and what if it influences what? Here are just a few questions….what is your pattern in dating? What type are you typically attracted to? What do you feel is influencing your attitude towards men and dating? Is there anything in particular that you notice that would be influencing your lack of success in finding someone long term?
Heidi
Hi Janet,
A lot of studies have been done about compliments. It takes, on average, 20 seconds for the compliment to be fully absorbed. It’s very important to learn how to receive a compliment. It’s a gift another person is trying to give you and when you don’t fully receive it, it’s like giving it back to them.
When someone is being flirty like that, I suggest just receiving it. I’m not sure they are really asking for a specific answer. When I have hear that one, I usually just smile, I might get a little bashful and I say something like, “Thank you. That is a really nice thing to say and it made me feel good.” I usually put my hand to my heart as well, as a gesture of receiving what they said. It’s VERY VERY important for you to be able to receive compliments. If you can’t, then maybe now is a good time to start practicing!!! Ask your friends to tell you the top 3 things they like best about you. Ask your family to tell you what qualities are your best qualities.
You don’t want to say that you there aren’t a lot of quality guys out there. It’s a statement that puts the blame on the guy when the truth is, it’s about you and them together. I have come across a TON of quality guys, but they still didn’t match me, so it’s not necessarily about the quality of a person. I’m wondering if that mindset of yours is contributing to your challenge of finding someone…
Sometimes, they may pursue the question of why you aren’t with someone, after you receive the compliment. If they pursue the question, I usually put it on myself and say something like, “I just haven’t come across a man that inspires me to want to move forward into something deeper.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
With the kind of stance you are taking, I’m thinking you have quite a strong connection with him, maybe more than you are willing to admit. You ARE putting ultimatums on him. You don’t want to be “strung along” and you are setting some very clear boundaries about what you need. If it were truly casual, I can’t imagine you would go to such efforts. With all the efforts you are putting into this, it seems like you want something more serious with him. Your heart is involved. Are you sure you feel okay with him dating other women? Even if it’s just casual? And what is casual anyways? Kissing, but no sex?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
I am soooooo sorry to hear this. It sounds like he definitely got a hold of your heart strings. Did he get/take anything from you? Usually scam artists are after something, so I’m not sure if he got some of your money or info. or something of that nature.
How long ago did this happen? How did you find out? Were you able to confront him at all? When you keep thinking about him, what kinds of thoughts are you having about him? Are you still imagining a relationship with him?
Heidi
Hi Myloe,
I understand. Small things often is the motto to go by. Being that you live together, you can’t “go away” and that’s okay. You can still just give space. So express your love or appreciation in small ways through the day. Make sure it’s always authentic and meaningful for you too whenever you choose to say or do something…and then just give space to let him receive it and don’t expect anything in return. Give from your heart without expectation.
Are you guys getting help at all? It sounds like there is a lot to repair between you guys and could use a 3rd party perspective that help guide you both to a better way to connect. If not, then what is your plan to shift things? You can do all the work and help things shift some, but he also needs to his work as well. BOTH people need to put in effort in order for healing to take place.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Takeya!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are right….it is different isn’t it?
So when you guys kissed, did you want more? Did you feel a sexual connection at all? You say you aren’t sexually attracted to him and that definitely could be a problem and something to really pay attention to. One thing I have learned over the many years, is just because I have a strong connection with someone and have feelings for someone, it doesn’t mean I should pursue it. For example, there is a man currently in my life where we both have an EXTREMELY strong attraction to each other, our conversations are BRILLIANT and it’s so much fun. However, I do know that he has certain limitations I am not willing to invite into my life. So I just have fun and enjoy our exchanges and the feelings I get to have with him, but just leave it at that. I think about him all the time and just send him a lot of good vibes and then move on. So it’s okay you have all of these feelings and NOT do anything with them.
I suggest to still just give it some space and see how things naturally develop instead of taking the lead and pursuing something with him. His immediate response of saying “I’m not a good kisser” just tells you he doesn’t have much confidence in himself in that area. You may not feel sexual towards him because maybe he has shut down that part of who he is. Do you guys flirt at all?
I vote for just sitting with the feelings and allowing yourself the option to NOT do anything at the moment and gather more information. Keep interacting, maybe start to ask questions about past relationships etc. and see how he responds. Maybe start flirting a little more and see if he responds to that as well. LET HIM INITIATE!!! Give him space to feel his manliness and wanting you. Have patience. If you give it enough time, you might find you lose interest or you might find a stronger attraction.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
You are quite wise!!! I love your strength and ability to really face the truth about what you are doing and why. To me, that is one of the most important things in order to be accepting of yourself. I have to say this to myself all the time, “I know exactly what you are doing right now heidi and I know you know it is not the best choice and I know you are going to choose anyway, from an unhealthy place. I love you anyways.” Otherwise, the nasty judgment will get a hold of me and just make everything worse!
So what I want to suggest is to really look at what you are wanting Matt to do for you that you won’t do for yourself. You keep inviting him everywhere and not allowing him to take the lead. You are not able to give him space and hold to setting a boundary for yourself. So what is he doing for you that you are not willing to do for yourself? You are not able to give space, because you have a need that is soooo strong that it overrides any boundaries you have set for yourself. He is meeting that need somehow, so you reach out to him and connect and have HIM meet that need instead of you meeting that need yourself. So what is HE doing for you, that YOU are not willing to do for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Wow….I am so sorry! I’m sure your heart is breaking and of course you are confused. How old is he? How old are your children? I’m wondering if it’s the empty nesting, midlife crisis kind of thing happening and he is sooooo uncomfortable in his life that he just needs to make a decision…and that decision is a divorce.
He needs help and it’s a bummer that he is communicating with your sons instead of you directly. I suggest to NOT talk to your sons about this. They don’t need to be in the middle and share information between you guys as that needs to happen directly. Be a good role model for them by keeping them out of your marriage challenges and handling this directly.
I know you want him back. Even if you did get him back, it doesn’t change that he has a girlfriend (that isn’t working out – but still) and even if they break up, the odds of him cheating again are VERY HIGH. He doesn’t seem to be the type to just directly deal with how he is feeling. How are you at doing that? Did you guys argue a lot?
Have you checked out our “Relationship Rewrite Method” yet? There are a lot of wonderful tips in there that can maybe start to help you repair the relationship.
What is your current status with him? It sounds like he doesn’t live there anymore, but do you guys ever talk? How often? What is it about? Have you directly told him that you want to work on the relationship?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
Thank you for sharing your struggle.
The first thing I want to recommend is to NOT play the game he plays with you. It hurts right? Are you wanting to hurt him?
It most likely will cause him to put his walls up and that is the last thing you want to do.
Second thing is, it’s important for you to really understand that IF he ever does change how he handles confrontation, it needs to come from him. This is not about you saying or doing anything specific to get him to change that behavior of his. This type of pattern has been inside of him most likely his entire life. It’s a natural and instinctive way to respond. He may never change that part of him. I know many people who don’t. So if you are going to stay with him, this is just part of the equation, just as your limitations are part of who you are as well.
So how long does he usually disappear for? A few days? A week? How does he connect again? Does he just text you one day? Do you guys ever end up talking what happened and resolve the issue or does he just want to pretend it’s all okay and not talk about the argument? Do you guys argue about the same kinds of things?
Heidi
