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Yes it helps a lot. I trust myself. I trust the higher Power who knows everything and is supporting me through life every moment of every day. Beautiful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
I have disconnected with him now. It feels strange and empty. How did you disconnect? I know it feels strange and empty. That’s very normal. There is a hole where he once lived. That hole is what most people try and run from. You are being incredibly courageous by stepping into that feeling and working with it. Your Higher Power will fill that space up. Your self love will fill that space up.
One thing that has helped me in the past is to journal or talk into a recorder. Whenever feelings of missing him or being angry or feeling confused….whatever shows up, write it down or say it out loud….to him. Say to him what you wish you could say….and then release it. Meaning…let the words and feeling flow OUT of you, instead of feeling them in private or keeping them inside. LET IT OUT! It gives those feelings much less energy. I have written sooooo many letters to my exes. When I felt complete…I burned them all. I have kept recorders in my car so I could scream and yell at my ex. Talk to your friends and family as long as it is safe to do so. Dance how you feel. That is also a great way to move the emotions and not let them get stuck. Dance angry, dance hurt, dance longing, dance freedom….find the songs that support what you are feeling and move your body…and dance for all of us who have felt all of those same feelings!
I have many more ideas, so let me know if you want them. Bottom line is, have a plan about how to deal with the emptiness that is going to grow before it shrinks again. Support yourself as you start to develop a new mindset and let go of someone you loved very deeply.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s really helpful. You sure have been through a lot. Good for you for being willing to step back out there again and open your heart to having new experiences.
Please give me some concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship This is a bit of a layered and tough question, as there really is no “concrete” advice except this…live and breathe your standards. All the info you posted here are things that look good on paper, but that’s about as far as any of it goes. A loving, committed relationship begins within yourself. When you love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and are committed to taking care of your heart, then how you treat yourself becomes the gold standard for ANYONE who wants to be a deeper part of your life.
Imagine this…you are the CEO of a very valuable, important company….your heart. As the CEO, it’s your job to make sure that anyone applying to interact with your heart, has the qualities, skillsets, abilities and interest to take care of your company in the same way you do. So dating, is like the interview process. A resume may look amazing, but the hiring process is layered. You want to know what they are like in ACTION. Does their resume live up to who they actually are in person? And if you decide to hire them, it doesn’t mean they get instant access to the top their of your company. They start at the bottom and work their way up. They build trust, they show through their actions and words that they support the health and wellbeing of your company. It takes time, it takes them making mistakes and owning up to them, it takes consistency to show they can be relied upon, it takes them showing you that they have integrity in their word…and many more things BEFORE they get access to the top teir of your company. This is how you set the foundation to a loving committed relationship. It’s not about “them” it’s about BOTH of you together – the kind of team you make – how you both treat each other during the worst moments – how you both show up for each other during tough times…and much more. But it all start with YOU and your standards as to how you are treated. You are the one who sets the tone.
An old crush came back into my life back in April. He is an AMAZING guy! Intelligent, attractive, well-spoken, incredibly respectful and a really good person. I was falling for him again, BUT…I have standards. The more we talked, I noticed a pattern where when we talked, many times 2-3 hours at a time, it was mostly about him. He might ask me a question or 2 throughout the conversation, but mostly I was inserting my opinions and thoughts, not really being invited into the conversation by him. When I shared more personal stories, he never had a question, opinion, or comment beyond “Wow…that sounds amazing” and then he would move on to the next subject. I decided to disengage. No matter how great this guy is, his level of curiosity about me as a person, was not very high. I spent hours asking him question after question and commenting on his stories and life, yet he didn’t reciprocate. This is what I mean by living and breathing your standards. I am VERY clear about what I require if I am going to feel vibrant, nourished, seen, appreciated and valued in a relationship. So instead of asking for “concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship” I want to invite you into getting VERY clear about your non-negotiables and dating from that mindset…never settling. The right fit will fall into place naturally. You won’t need to “do” “say” or “be” anything other than who you are.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I LOVE that you are finding peace and solace in the divine. There is no better place is there? So have you released him? How are you doing? What feelings are coming up?
Trusting another person is also going to be very difficult. Let’s talk about this a bit. I’d like to offer you a different perspective on trust. Trust begins within yourself. That is the foundation. So instead of saying “It will be difficult to trusting another person” – which is relying on someone else to behave in a certain way in order for you to feel safe and open – which there IS some truth to that, but more importantly is activating self-trust which says “I trust that no matter what happens, no matter how anyone behaves, no matter what someone says or doesn’t say, I will be okay. I trust in my resilience. I trust in my skillset to handle stress. I trust I can handle whatever challenges show up.” Do you understand and feel the difference?
Moving through life LEADING with self-trust, allows you to take risks again. Love is risky and there is no way around it. But when you have self-trust, you can move forward when you are inspired and trust that no matter how he shows up, you know how to support yourself and handle it in a healthy way.
Does this help?
Heidi
I am so sorry you have to go through this Devon. It’s so hard. But you are a strong soul and you can do this! This is important for you and there are many gifts here for you once you fully step into what is happening instead of resisting it.
He loves me perfectly and I would give anything to make things right with him. I love that you got to feel this with him. It really is beautiful!
I still want to bring you back to reality though. You have lost him for right now. I know you would do anything to get him back. Right now, that “anything” is accepting his choice. Right now, respecting his boundaries and being in acceptance that he is not saying yes to you, is the best thing you can do for both of you. Face your fears, the pain and the loss of him. The more you keep holding onto the idea and potential of being together and rejecting what is happening RIGHT NOW, the more suffering you will create for yourself.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want some magic words to try and fix everything so you have him back. The truest and most powerful magic in this whole situation, is the growth and expansion you could receive once you let go of control in trying to get what you want, and instead embrace what is. Discover new parts of yourself, develop your resilience, start to heal your many hurts and strengthen your self-love. Those are the greatest gifts that can come from facing loss.
Heidi
You are incredibly strong to embrace the truth about what is happening here. I am really impressed!
How long do you think I should wait for him? You do not wait. The sooner you accept what is happening and decide to let the idea of a relationship with him go, the sooner you can start your healing process and open your heart again.
How will I know if he has given up on our relationship completely? You already DO know. You said that he said this to you: When I called him, he picked up my call and told me that it was better if we now interacted only as friends and not as lovers. I would say that is pretty clear, and his actions are supporting this. What else do you need him to say to you for you to really get that he is not moving forward in a relationship with you?
Of course he still wants to stay friends and reach out to you, because he still loves you and doesn’t want to lose you completely. The thing is, that is not healthy either. How are either of you supposed to move on if you are still feeding the connection? It’s not possible. So he is trying to hold onto his belief system AND you at the same time and that is not okay. All it does is keep you tied to him, AS A FRIEND, he gets to still be nourished by your energy all the while you will just constantly feel rejected and reminded that your love is not going to be fought for. It’s like he is trying to keep 1 final string attached and call that friendship. When he is lonely, miserable, missing you…all he has to do is call you to get his fix. This way, he doesn’t actually have to face the FULL pain and loss of losing you completely. He still has access to you. I don’t blame him at all, but I want to encourage you to completely disconnect. He needs to feel and process the FULL pain, hurt and loss of you in his life so he can fully invest in the choice he has made. You need to also process the full loss of him, so you can move on. I wish there were a way around this, but it simply is just not possible to be friends after a breakup, until healing has taken place for BOTH people. I have become friends with my exes many times…after about a year has gone by. I know I am completely healed when I can imagine running into them and they are with another girl, holding hands, kissing and looking happy – and I am totally okay with it – no hurt, no sadness, no bad feelings. Once I get to that place, I am open to friendship.
I know this is incredibly difficult to think about and choose. When you are in enough pain and tired of feeling the rejection of him choosing his family over you and not fighting for this love…you will be ready to disconnect completely. Hopefully you will get to that place sooner than later.
Heidi
I sent over a message to James a few days ago, so if he is available, he will respond.
My soul needs to be near his soul now that I know he exists. Oh man. I know this feeling so well! From what it sounds like, he might be your “twin flame.” I’ve done a lot of research on this topic and there are a lot of different opinions about the twin flame. Basically, it’s your other half. Meaning, before you came into this body, your soul split into 2 and came to earth. So when you eventually find each other, there is a “fit” like no other. And when separation happens, it is PAINFUL. It leaves a whole that is like no other. My last boyfriend felt like that to me. We were only together for 10 months and when we separated, it was super healthy, appropriate and time to go our separate ways. But holy smokes, that separation was like no other I have ever felt in my life. I had broken up and said goodbye to love a handful of times before him, and I had the very natural breakup blues and healing process. After this guy, I was so depressed, I could hardly eat, I cried every day, I felt so “off” and I couldn’t find my ground. This was NOT the normal me and it was confusing. It was a healthy breakup, I knew from day 1 we were never going to last and there was nothing negative or bad between us, so I didn’t understand my reaction. That’s when I came across the “twin flame” concept and all of a sudden it all made sense to me. The thing about twin flames though…many times, it’s not a relationship that is meant to last. Some do, but many don’t. Many times, the purpose of a twin flame experience is about quantum level kind of growth. Interacting with your twin flame can generate growth far beyond what any other relationship can bring you…and that’s the purpose. It’s a deep, deep connection, so it opens the heart in a very special way, but it’s not specifically designed to last forever. When it does end, man it’s tough. I will tell you though, you can feel like yourself again. it’s a journey, but a great gift, because what happens is you learn how to connect back to your “self” again except you are much stronger. Going through that breakup for me, taught me that I CAN heal. It strengthened me internally in ways that nothing else could have. It gave me pieces of myself that I would not trade for the world. I became relentlessly committed to healing from that loss and the result was me becoming much stronger, more wise and more confident in my abilities to handle the curve balls that life throws out – the greatest gift he could have ever given me. Of course in the moment, I couldn’t see that, but now…it’s so clear to me. That’s what is available for you. Releasing and letting him go will bring you many things…and in that letting go, it doesn’t mean the door is closed to him. It just means you are choosing your healing. If he decides to reconnect and open up to you again, you get to choose if you want to have that experience with him again. But if not, you will still be moving forward, so no matter what happens, the choice to heal and release the hurt and loss, will only benefit you. The more you hold tight to what your heart desires, the longer you will stay in suffering.
Here’s the thing Devon. One of the greatest skills and choices you can make for yourself, is accepting what is happening in the moment instead of fighting against it and trying to change what is. Acceptance DOES NOT mean that you still can’t eventually have your heart’s desire. Acceptance just means, you are finding peace in the middle of hurt. The peace exists because you are going with the flow. The peace exists because you are accepting the present situation and trusting that it’s all going to work out exactly as it is meant to…for your greatest good. Your greatest good may mean that he comes back to you and you get to experience him again. Your greatest good might mean that you end up healing and connecting with another man and have a wonderful experience with him. Your greatest good might mean that you end up healing and staying alone for a while and find peace and contentment on that path. We are powerless to force any specific path to our desire. Life happens FOR us, not necessarily in the fashion we believe we want. What we want, sometimes aligns with what happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, life is so much easier when we stop resisting, find acceptance and deal with the hurt that comes…and trust that every single moment is perfect and exactly what our soul needs for growth and expansion. So my hope for you is that you work more towards the space of peace and acceptance and trust in your path and what shows up for you. Many times, life surprises us and gifts us back exactly what worked to let go of! You just never know….life truly is a mystery and sometimes it’s super fun and amazing and sometimes, it knocks the breath out of us and takes us to our knees to teach us about resilience, trust, inner strength and letting go of control.
Heidi
I’m not blind to them, but I guess I’m willing to work with them because I understand them. I love that you understand them! The thing is, there is nothing to work with here because he is not doing the work. He is frozen by his fear and there is nothing you can do about that. If he were to get things moving and finally face what he is so afraid of, then great! But until then, it’s your job to accept him 100% where he is at and not wait for him to be different.
Yes he has fears and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they do not define him, just like mine don’t define me. Underneath the fear is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. As much as these coping mechanisms don’t define the whole of who we are, it doesn’t change that our coping mechanisms sabotage connection. Yes, he is a wonderful person and has a TON of great qualities for sure AND…he also has a lot of fear, is emotionally fragile and unavailable and it’s running his life. So…his fear is bigger than his greatness and will always win out until he actually gets some help facing it.
I’m just wondering if it’s stupid of me to have hope in and wait for that to happen. Like if he did get help and emotionally healthy, does he care for me enough try a relationship? Who knows. Therapy and deep diving into our limitations is scary, difficult and takes us down paths that we never thought we would be on. This is a question that no one can answer, not even him. If he actually does the work, he will change, but what he changes into, who knows. That is why waiting for him is not the healthiest choice for you.
Currently there are no other men in my life that are as good as him. So, I’m waiting regardless, why can’t it be for him? Is that crazy? Look at it this way. You want to fall in love and have a healthy, nourishing, vibrant connection, right? First, I want to say that he is the FIRST guy who has ever made you feel respected and cared for. I’m here to tell you that in all of my years of dating, I have felt that way MANY MANY times, because I REQUIRE that. You don’t actually KNOW that you really like this guy BECAUSE of how he treats you and makes you feel, or because you actually really like him because of who HE is. For example, let’s say MANY of the guys you dated over the years, always treated you with respect, care and were authentic about their feelings for you. Then this guy comes along and treats you the same way…with respect and with care. He wouldn’t stand out so much because you are used to be treated that way. Would you feel the same way about him as you do now? There is no way to know the answer to that, but what I will tell you is there is a very subtle trap people fall into….I call it “The First Trap.” It when someone experiences connection for “the first time” in a way they have never had it before and love soon follows, because the mind and heart opens up, because this story gets created: “It’s the first time someone has actually seen me, talked to me that way, treated me with such kindness etc.” Honestly, that is so sad. All that means is that there are a lot of really messed up people out there that it takes getting all the way to adulthood before they actually get to feel what it’s like to be truly cared about and respected. My point being is this…if I were to tell you that there are many more guys down the road that have the ability to treat you with kindness and respect and care. You may have to go through 100 more “frogs” to experience it, but this guy is NOT the only one who can care about you that way. What IS possible for you, is a guy who can love you even more than this guy. The truth is, this guy is not free to love you. And you want to wait until he is??? How long is that going to take??? Even if he started therapy tomorrow, with his level of fear, it’s going to take a looooong time for him to work through it and become available for love.
Even though you are still living your life and meeting other guys, you are holding back a part of your heart all for potential. That makes you very emotionally unavailable and fully open to having a new experience. If that’s what you want to do, you absolutely get to do that! But if you want to open your heart to possibility of finding another guy who is super high quality AND has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you…you need to work towards letting the idea of this guy go. Because that’s all this is…an idea. It’s not real. It’s just potential. Is that what you want to live your life for?
Heidi
Hi Anurandha!
Welcome! We love that you are here, seeking deeper understanding and guidance about your relationship. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s incredibly difficult to watch the man you love, slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it.
I want to start with this statement: I can never love anyone else. I know you feel that this guy is your one and only. I want to encourage you to create a different story than that. Love is infinite and limitless. You CAN love someone else. I know you don’t want to and that is your choice however, I would hate to see you hold onto this guy and the idea that you can never love anyone else and miss other opportunities. Love with each person is so different and unique, yet they are all powerful and impactful. People who have lost the love of their life to death, have found love again. I have deeply love a handful of times in my life and yet those ended…and I found love again. Love is like a tree….you are the trunk and your relationships are the branches. Right now, the branch that represents this guy is alive, but with him pulling away, the fruits and leaves that lived on this branch are dying, because it isn’t being sourced anymore. This branch will eventually die BUT….a new branch is fully capable of growing if you are open to loving again. This new branch will look and feel different, but it can still be a beautiful, vibrant love. The current guy’s branch will always be there as a part of you of course and that is where it is supposed to stay. I know you don’t want to hear this and I know this is not your question, but I just want to bring some truth into your thought process that isn’t actually true….you CAN love again. If you don’t and you want to stay focused on this guy until your dying breath…it’s your CHOICE to do that.
I wish there was something I could tell you to fix this so you could get what you wanted. The thing is, when someone is so programmed to abide by social constructs, religious beliefs, family systems etc. and they are NOT willing to compromise, question or challenge the programs…there really is nothing you can do. You want more from him. You want to build a life with him. He is not willing to do that. It was good for a while, but the design you both were operating under, was going to break eventually. It wasn’t built on truth, honesty and integrity. There was a ton of secrecy and lying involved. You eventually were honest, but he had to be willing to do the same thing if it was ever going to work. What you are fighting against is his fear. His fear is SOOOOO big, that he is choosing to stay “safe” within his system of family and social construct OVER loving you. I have seen this happen over and over and over again. Fear is so incredibly powerful. When it is as big as your guy’s fear, there is nothing you can say or do to shift it. It is the kind of fear that HE needs to face within himself, if he is ever going to be with you. He has to be willing to lose his family and social position and take on an incredible amount of criticism, judgment and shame to be with you. That’s a pretty tough choice. He is facing the possibility of being an outcast. Can you understand how scary that would be? I don’t know many people who would be willing to blow up their entire lives for love. And if you REALLY look at this deeply, the truth is, there is not guarantee of forever. Even if he were to choose you, there is no promise that it will last forever. You guys could eventually end up separating and then he would be left with nobody. That is a BIG BIG risk he would be taking. Staying connected to his family, which IS a forever kind of thing, is a natural choice. Family is so important. Feeling socially accepted is an important thing. Asking him to take a chance of giving all of that up, is MASSIVE. Love is just not enough in your situation. I may not be understanding your situation correctly, so if I am making this bigger than what it actually is, please correct me.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Devon! Thank you for accepting my apology and explanation.
I think an honest note would feel good to both of you, whether it gets him to come out or not. You will at least plant a seed which is potential for something to grow again. You can say something like “Losing you has been incredibly difficult. I have learned a lot about myself since you left and really seeing the areas that I want to become a better partner. One of the ways I am doing that now is by really listening to what you say and respecting your boundaries. I will not contact you and I will give you all the space you need. I am here if you ever want to talk, but if not, all I want for you is to be happy. I love you and miss you and will always appreciate and value the time that we got to spend together.” How does saying something like that feel for you?
I will definitely put in a request to have James offer his perspective!
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for sharing your story! I can see why you are really drawn to him and how confusing the whole thing is for you! You guys have something really beautiful together. It’s incredibly hard to find someone you can feel safe to be 100% yourself with.
I know these feelings you have, make you want to have more with him. He has A LOT of red flags though, letting you know that a relationship with him with be EXTREMELY difficult and rejecting. Let’s just look at the simple pattern of how he shows up in his life. He hides a lot. It’s not easy for him to use his voice to express how he feels or go after what he wants. He instead stays silent and doesn’t really allow anyone to know the FULL version of him. He is NOT interested in taking risks and being vulnerable. He is 30 and has never had a girlfriend because his fear is so big. He would rather not get involved with someone than to experience love and deep connection and the hurt that can come with that through loss or disappointment. This is what I mean when I say he is “hiding.” He is so afraid of pain that he makes his world, his experiences, his life VERY small and VERY safe. Where is he the leader in his own life? Where is he making decisions for expansion and growth? Where is he facing his fears?
These are all qualities that are needed for love. Love WILL NOT sit still. Love NEEDS growth and expansions. Love REQUIRES facing fears if it is going to grow and blossom. Love REQUIRES being uncomfortable…a lot. He is not set up to love Victoria. Even if he did end up loving at some point, he isn’t really set up to sustain love. He would sabotage the connection all over the place because his fear is so big and running all his decisions and experiences in his life.
You have this pattern of picking narcissistic type of guys, right? Well is this guy really that different? I know he is not narcissistic, but what he does have in common with those other guys you were attracted to is…he is emotionally unavailable. It looks different and expresses differently, but the end result is the same…he is NOT available for intimacy…which is what you really want. You want a deep, open, authentic connection. You want a guy who will fight for you. You want a guy who has the strength to stay open and connected when big challenges show up. This guy doesn’t even handle his own challenges and fears, so what do you think will happen when challenges show up with you? He will do exactly what he already does…run from uncomfortable feelings. I know you wrote him that letter and you guys had a really beautiful and wonderful conversation about all of it, so he was able to talk about it with you, but in the end, wouldn’t you say he is running away from you?
Anytime someone’s actions and words do not line up, BE CAREFUL!!! That means they have 2 parts of themselves feeling different things and either part can be in control at any given moment. So one moment, he can be super connective and present with you and then another moment, he will stonewall you and become completely unavailable. Large amounts of fear and low self-esteem will do that. The low self-esteem part of him is sooooo big that it prevents him from emotional intimacy with himself. If he doesn’t even have that with himself, he sure as heck is not going to have that with you. I know he has opened up a lot to you over the years, but think about the amount of work it took you to even get him to that point. You put in a lot of effort and kept initiating. That’s what a relationship will look like with him. As long as you are the one who keeps initiating, he can respond. Don’t you want a guy who is strong enough to say what he wants to say? To be a leader in his own life and go after what he really wants? A guy who is able to take risks because he knows he will be okay if he gets hurt? A guy who will fight for you because he KNOWS you are the best thing that ever happened to him? This guy is NOT that guy.
I would agree with you that he DOES have feelings for you, but that does NOT mean he would be good in a relationship. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. Connection is just energy. How that energy gets expressed is a whole different thing. It’s incredibly difficult to like someone and not follow through on it, but I always suggest to slow down and REALLY look at ALL the dynamics and DO NOT let your feelings lead you…let the WHOLE picture lead you – look at him as a WHOLE person, not just how he makes you feel. Look at the best and the very worst of him. Are the worst parts of him – his fear, his hiding, his need for safety at all costs – are those things you are able to accept and embrace about him? Are you okay having a partner who will shut down and put walls up when he is hurt by you? Are you okay being with a guy who isn’t comfortable really stepping out of his comfort zone? Are you okay being with a guy that you have to constantly initiate a connection with and who never really fights for you?
So you get to choose….I know you miss him and I know you want more with him, but at what cost? Are you REALLY wanting to work that hard at a relationship with him? Do you REALLY want to go after another guy who is emotionally unavailable for you? If you do, that’s okay. I’ve done that MANY times and faced the hurt. Eventually, I was so sick of hurting that regardless of how attracted I was to that emotionally available guy, the pain was not worth it anymore. I loved myself MORE THAN the connection I felt with a guy. You may need to kiss many more “frogs” until you get to that point, but eventually, that’s where you want to land.
I hope this guy does get some help. A person who is that fearful, really misses out on life and it’s sad.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
Let’s take this a level deeper.
I am moving on knowing there is someone else out there that will think I am special and I can make them feel special. What if there isn’t someone else? How does that possibility make you feel?
Would I like to go out with him , yes and would I love to talk and laugh again with him , yes. But it would have to be on my terms. What are your terms?
I sit and think does he miss our talks as much as I do or is he hiding from all that. Does it really matter? Bottom line is, he has made his choice. The why, the how, the what behind his decision doesn’t matter. When we don’t really feel resolved, our minds tend to chase after the details, in efforts to create closure, but the problem is, our minds are seeking details it may never get and it can make it really difficult to find peace without those details. So the goal is, finding closure, peace, forgiveness and release of the hurt WITHOUT those details about “why” the other person did what they did. The truth is, it doesn’t matter because all that matters is the end result. Stay focused on the FACT that he has put a wall up and deal with that hurt, instead of spending energy wondering what his experience is and the reasons for that wall to go up. Let the reasons go. They are his and do not change the result – and it’s the result that is affecting you, not his reasons. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
Yay! Well done! Stay empowered. DO NOT let him be the one to decide your value and worth. That is the most powerful gift that rejection offers us. When someone rejects us, it hurts because it pulls us out of the truth of our amazingness. The rejection hurts because we are giving that person the power to decide our value and worth. The process of coming back to the truth that you are wonderful and amazing, whether or not he or anyone else thinks so, is what strengthens you internally.
When I was much younger, rejection hurt sooooo much more. But every single time I was rejected, I worked on pulling myself back into my power and loving and choosing myself, even if they didn’t. Now, rejection still hurts of course, because that’s just normal, but I know how to find myself again, very quickly. That is what you are doing right now.
How are you feeling??? Are you feeling empowered?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
How wonderful to get to feel butterflies again in your life. After losing your husband of 46 years, I imagine you would have wondered if it was every possible to feel anything again for someone else. And you quickly learned, absolutely YES! It’s possible! I love that you got to laugh and feel connected with him.
I know the conversation may have felt embarrassing, but from what it sounds like, this last conversation was NOT in alignment with his actions. Something DID happen on his vacation. Maybe his kids got upset about it. Maybe he got some really bad news about his health. You just don’t know, but for someone to be so warm and connective and suddenly go cold so fast…it’s NOT about you. Something happened and you may never know what. Either way, who knows how everything is going to turn out. Whatever caused him to put walls up so fast, I’m not sure it’s going to change. You may have lost your friend.
Here’s the thing Cathy. You need to know your value. You are worth fighting for, you are worth loving, you are worth getting to know and having adventures with. If someone doesn’t feel that way about you, they are NOT the right match. It doesn’t make anybody bad or wrong, it just simply means…there is not a strong enough resonance to keep the connection alive. Personally, I’m not interested in trying to keep a connection alive with someone who isn’t willing to do the same thing…organically. Meaning…if a guy does not feel inspired by me, then I say goodbye. Relationships have soooo many layers to work through. I sure as heck am not going to spend a dime of energy trying to get or keep a guy’s attention. If the guy doesn’t naturally see me as fabulous and amazing and someone he HAS to have in his life, then why should I try and convince him otherwise.
Yes! Life is short! Doesn’t that mean that your time is better spend investing and connecting with a man who has NOTHING stopping him? This guy pulled you in and connected with you and completely lead you on…and then he wants to claim that you misunderstood and it was only a business thing??? Nope. I don’t buy it. He knows the truth but is not willing to be honest and authentic with you. Yuk! You don’t need that in your life for one second. You want a guy who has the strength to be honest with you, even if it scares him and even if it might hurt you. That is a man with integrity. This guy is not showing up that way.
When you go into that meeting, feel good about yourself. BE CONFIDENT. KNOW that you are a gem and priceless. KNOW that you are magnificent and beautiful. Dress that way, walk that way, speak that way…embody your greatness. Treat him with respect and kindness and leave it at that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jaemie,
I understand that you want him to be okay, despite knowing the mess you are stepping into. If you really want to help, then report him. You are a nurse and are required to report anyone who is suicidal. You cannot help. You are not trained to know what to say and when and can easily make things a lot worse if you try and rescue him. If he is really that serious about committing suicide, he needs professional help.
There is no such thing as “the right thing to say.” The pain he carries is deep and has existed for years. It’s highly unrealistic to think that you would have some magic words to help him feel better about the years of pain he has been carrying that is making him want to commit suicide.
It really is important for you to not put yourself in the “rescuer” position. Again, the best thing you can do is report him or get him connected somehow with a professional. It’s soooo easy for you to get pulled into his pain and drama and sink lower and lower with him.
I know this is not what you want to do and I deeply understand that. I wish there were some magic words to help someone with that kind of pain, but there aren’t. He needs to figure out how to rescue himself otherwise he will take everyone down with him. Pain is a great motivator! Let his pain do the job of kicking him in the ass to create some movement. Let pain be his motivator. Love him enough to let him figure out how to fight for more in his life.
And maybe consider focusing on yourself. You wrapped yourself up with a guy who isn’t available for you. You had an affair for 2 years. You fell in love with a guy who is emotionally unavailable and miserable deep inside. Your choice to hand over your heart to a guy that is in desperate need of professional help…exposes some of your own woundedness. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Jaemie,
I’m so glad to hear you are moving on with your life. It’s liberating to be able to know that you are able to still live your life, even in the midst of heartbreak.
I know you feel concern for him, but IF there is something wrong, he needs to deal with it himself. He is a grown man. Trust that he is able to take care of himself. His well-being is not your responsibility anymore.
Besides, DO NOT fall into the trap of social media. So many people create assumptions about posts, messages, feelings etc. without ever talking to the person…and it causes so many problems.
It’s still important for you to stay on track with moving on in your life. Whatever is happening in his life, it’s HIS design.
Are you willing to let him go?
Heidi
