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Hi Gineth,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
Can you provide a little more detail? If I understand correctly, he has been gone for 1 month and is wanting to go to counseling with you? He wants to work on the relationship and see if you guys can find the connection again? Is that accurate? Also, I’m not sure what your specific question is. How would you like us to help you?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
It sounds like you are coming to some great conclusions and waking up to a different level of truth about the kind of relationship you guys had.
There is a lot of blame going on between the both of you. It sounds like both of you have a lot of hurt and tend towards being verbally aggressive with each other.
Regardless if whether he is a narcissist or just severely wounded and fragile, the methods you both use to communicate when hurting, does not work and is not sustainable for any kind of deep intimate relationship.
I think this is a good time for you to really heal and start to deeply look at your own wounds, your relationship with alcohol and learning new ways to deal with your emotional triggers. When you go down this path, you will be able to attract a much more healthy experience that has the makings for something long term.
What do you think? Is there a Coach or Therapist you like working with, that can lead you down that path?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
Well, you can test the waters by just saying something easy like what I posted above. “Hey…still having a hard time. I don’t really need to talk about it as there isn’t much to say at the moment, BUT…hearing your voice, laughing with you, even telling me about your problems and challenges, would really help. Just talking to you puts a smile on my face. Would love to connect soon.”
Keeping it light, letting him know what you need and that the need is him and then giving him precise directions of how to help you feel better…that’s the formula…so come up with a way to incorporate all of that…and then write it here and we can help you modify it, if need be.
Even something as simple as, “I miss you. Life kinda sucks right now, of course. But connecting with you makes it all so much easier. I hope you are doing okay. Would love to connect soon.”
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Of course you are lost. You are supposed to be! You know why??? Because he is lost! It’s not YOUR job to make him feel like a man….it’s HIS job. It has NOTHING to do with you not wanting him enough, or stimulating him mentally enough. He has a GIANT trash can labeled “I’m a man” and it’s empty. You keep adding to it and doing what you can, but reality is, it’s not enough. The trash can maybe gets filled an inch. All he ends up feeling is the emptiness and not that 1 inch you contributed. He is wanting you to do for him, that he is not willing to do for himself. He wants you to fill that trash can up for him and that just isn’t possible. That trash can is empty be HE has made it empty, not you and it’s HIS own internal fight that has to figure out how to create healing with himself and what it means to be a man. He is looking for outside sources to make him feel better and it just won’t work. You could have sex with him 5 times a day and tell him how amazing he is and stimulate him mentally all day long and he will STILL not feel like a man. And even if he did, he would be so dependent on you to make him feel that way that if you ever left or something happened, he would lose himself again.
Now…it’s not to say you can’t help. Whenever someone says they want certain things, I ALWAYS ask for examples and details. What does he think you need to do in order to stimulate him more mentally? What EXACTLY does he imagine you doing for him sexually that would make him feel more like a man? When you can get those kinds of details, it will help you quite a bit. That’s how you can support him best.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!!!
What an amazing response!! Now we are getting to the core of what is driving you! It doesn’t sound “awful” that you feel that. It sounds normal. A lot of people feel that way. The next level would be, where is that belief coming from? It’s a common low self esteem though to have, so it’s always really powerful to find it’s origins. When you can do that, you have the power to shift that negative belief at it’s core vs. constantly managing that belief through trying to change your behavior. Any thoughts about where this kind of thought would come from? Also, just curious….do you know that belief you have is 100% false and a lie?
As far as your “take charge” mentality, I get it. It sounds like a wonderful strength you have. The thing is, our strengths are always our greatest weaknesses. For example, I am a very good teacher in person AND I tend to teach too much in relationship instead of just letting the guy figure it out on his onw. I take control and solve the problems for them. Not healthy! So the same goes for you here…your drive is wonderful AND it’s hurting you when it comes to dating. My guess is, if you really work from your core and deal with the low self esteem, your drive to control the situation with a guy, will greatly lessen.
As far as being single, there is a difference between being single and being alone. I have been single many many times in my life, but I was still dating. Being alone means NO male attention at all. No flirting, no sex, no dates, no nothing. Just you. I have had many phases like that as well and holy smokes, does it reveal A LOT!!! I always recommend a good year long phase of that kind of work. The first time I went through it, I really realized how much men were contributing to my self esteem. It all got stripped away and I was just left with myself, have to create my worth from ground zero. I had a choice to either be miserable and feel bad about myself or start to learn REAL self love and build myself up, all on my own. Maybe you have done that….I don’t know, but that is what I am suggesting.
I find it really interesting that you want this deep, soulful connection with a man, yet you and the men you date are polyamorous. That, in and of itself, is a design where you and the other person have split energy. I understand there may be 1 main person, but still…all in all, there is still a part of each person that is being shared with others, therefore not fully and completely intimate with just one person. I have had these discussions with a lot of people who have lived that design and it always is interesting to me, the perspective they have. I’m curious of yours.
Loving this discussion!!!
heidi
Hi Sharon,
I would suggest to NOT invite him to anything. Again, LET HIM TAKE THE LEAD! You do have this habit of really investing a lot of yourself and being the initiator. Have you ever looked into that more deeply? What is causing you to take the initiative and investing so much, so quickly? What is driving that energy??? It would be really helpful for you to connect to that part of you and see what is really going on, on a deeper level.
Invite someone else to play. Get to know Tim first and let him make the plans. There is no rush here. Matt is out of the picture and that’s good. It didn’t match you and his attentions were obviously elsewhere anyways. I’m sorry he hurt you like that. That’s no fun at all!!!
Give yourself some time to heal. Have you ever thought about being single for awhile? Meaning, no dates, no male attention and just learning who you are without a man nearby?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I understand your heart is breaking. It can take awhile for healing to occur. It might be a good idea to continue with a therapist. When you have someone to slowly guide you through the rough patches, it is sooooo helpful. And it takes time!!! I would recommend committing to a good year of really looking deep into your relationship, looking at the problems that existed in this past relationship and continuing to work on your healing.
I’m glad he responded to whatever you did. Give it some time. First, you need to understand that there is no way he will walk back into the same situation again. IF he ever decides to really connect with you again, he is going to need to know that it will be different. Have you worked on your drinking habits? Have you worked on changing HOW you communicate? It sounds like there was some verbal abuse happening over text messages. Have you worked on that aspect? Despite the amount of love you have for him, it was not a healthy relationship. So what are you doing inside of yourself (besides learning new techniques) to heal those parts of you that are verbally abusive when you get hurt? Does this make sense at what I’m getting at?
How did you get him to respond to you? Did you use the hero instinct approach?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
I am soooo so sorry! Was this a sudden passing or was it long approach to this moment? Man, losing someone you love is so difficult and taps into a level of pain that exists only when death is present. I’m glad you have family to go through this with. I’m really sad that your guy has disappeared. I know that many times, people are so uncomfortable with death and feel so powerless to help, that they end up just disappearing and giving the person a lot of space. I wonder if that is what he is doing. He may feel lost in a way to help you. He also may be responding in a way that he would want to be treated. I don’t know if he has ever lost anyone before, but he may be the type to hibernate and just want to be left alone.
If you feel like it, and of course this is not necessary, you could always reach out and say something like, “Still having a hard time with the loss of my uncle. Your smile and laughter would be some great medicine for my soul right now. Would love to hear your voice.”
Just a thought, but obviously this is not necessary as you need to take care of yourself right now.Heidi
Hi Maria,
So if you don’t tolerate it on any level, then what does this mean about your relationship?
If there is a level of sex addiction, then what does this mean for you? He will always be cheating on some level because he will always be seeking that physical arousal from other women. It sounds like you understand this topic well considering you also went through it with your ex.
So I’m curious, now what? Is this something you are going to choose to tolerate? If yes, how are you going to find a space of peace in your relationship? If no, then are you ready to let him go?
Heidi
I get it!
What if you support him indirectly. You are doing great by just letting him feel how he feels and being a good listening ear. What if you also added in articles that send him that talk about things of this nature…documentaries you can watch together….maybe finding a group on meetup or finding a support group that he may be interested in.
He has a lot to process and it sounds like he is just sooooo full of stuff inside, that he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything that you add on top of that, therefore ending in an argument. I’m wondering if there is a way to get “outside” help / advice and guidance. If he can hear things from an objective voice or someone who has been through the same thing, he might not feel so alone, he might start to feel more hope and find more of himself again.
Also, if you want to share how you approach something you need to talk with him about, we might be able to offer you some ideas of how to approach him differently, so as to avoid arguments….
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I’m glad to hear this! It’s not easy, that’s for sure! But who you are, how you treat yourself and those around you, in the midst of your pain, is what really matters. Well done! I have a lot of respect for you!Feel free to come on here and vent and express your frustrations! We are a resource for you!
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
it’s possible that his eye contact means he is dealing with shame on some level and not wanting to look into your eyes because he feels guilty. It’s possible he is dealing with a lot internally and emotionally and he doesn’t want you to see that. The eyes are the window to the soul right? No matter the reason, it usually means someone is trying to hide on some level.
Have you ever asked him this?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
My best guess is that he has some level of a sexual addiction. There are many levels of intensity to addiction of course, but when it starts to affect the relationship, then that’s when it becomes a problem to discuss. My guess is also, if he knows this about himself on some level, he would not want a therapist to hold him accountable to it nor see him for who he really is. Either way, if this is a daily practice of his, there is addiction happening.
I understand your resentment. It’s impossible to be in a relationship where you are willing to work on yourself and have accountability, but the other person is not doing the same.
I have to be honest here. You basically have 2 choices. Stay and accept him for who he is, or leave. He is not the type to grow, nor submit himself to anyone. He is willing to say “I’m sorry” and recognize his mistakes, but he is not willing to look at the “why” behind his choices. When someone is not willing to go there, it first means the odds of him cheating again are pretty high and second it means that he will just continue to get worse as he ages. Imagine that he is carrying 1,000 pounds on his shoulders. And each year, it gets heavier and heavier because he is getting tired and more life traumas keep adding to the pile. If he is not willing to get help to make the load smaller, it just will continue to build and his system will break down. Does that make sense?
You cannot change him. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you are going to accept this relationship, it means that is not willing to grow and learn to the same levels you are. It means that he has some level of addiction to seeing women naked and it means that those and other life choices he makes will continue forever, until he decides he is in enough pain to do something about it….which may happen…or may not…you just never know. So because you just never know, your job is to accept him for who he is today. If he were to stay exactly like this for the rest of his life, is this a relationship you would choose to participate in?? If yes, then great! You can work on forgiveness, you can work on loving him for who he is and not how you want him to be. If no, then you can work on accepting who he is and realizing it doesn’t match the kind of relationship you are interested in having.
Thoughts?
Heidi
