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Hi Mary,
The purpose of sending that message is for yourself. It has nothing to do with him. You don’t want him to respond. It doesn’t matter if it phases him or not. This is about YOU saying it’s over….for yourself. Making that proclamation can really help you to energetically close the door on him because you actually made the statement and put it out there and you let him know where you stand.
You of course don’t have to send that. what about writing him a letter…say everything you want to say and then burn it….or attach it to some helium balloons and watch it fly away as you are letting him go.
You need to do something to create closure for yourself. Maybe block his number so that you don’t expect to ever hear from again. You are still holding on and it’s time for you to stop torturing yourself, so the thing is…you need to make some sort of gesture or gestures for your heart saying, “it’s over and I am not longer going to keep hoping.” It needs to be more than just words in your head right now. You need some sort of ACTION to make it more real.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Danielle,
I am so sorry! It’s disappointing and heartbreaking isn’t it??? Are you going through a divorce as well? You said you were having a difficult time as well, so I’m wondering what’s going on for you….
He is confused and not ready to enter into a relationship. That means, regardless of whether or not you are waiting, he is going to move on with his life and build it in a way that works for him. I would not suggest waiting. He is confused, he is not ready, he is trying to build a new life with a new identity. He is very smart in not moving forward with you. If he did, I guarantee you guys would run into a TON of trouble just simply because he needs some time to grieve the loss of his marriage and try to re-create who he is and he can’t do that with you in the picture. Don’t wait. Let him figure out who he is. You move on with your life and if at some point, your paths cross again, then you guys can re-evaluate. You say you are waiting, but you are still texting and needing connection from him and that is what he doesn’t want right now. He needs his space and he is choosing to take care of himself right now over his need to love you. He knows he doesn’t have much to offer you right now, so he is making a good decision for both you.
Are you willing to let him go and honor what he needs right now?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
Wow…things have really turned around for you. I’m glad you are connecting into what you need and making it a priority.
I’m glad you met this other man and had a good date. BE CAREFUL! Your thoughts are already going to “he may be a potential soul mate.” When you start to head in that direction after one date and not even having ended it with the last guy…there is something in you really wanting connect and it’s not coming from a healthy place. You felt like that about your last guy.
I want to invite you to think about something. You are getting mad at these men who are treating you well and the way you feel you deserve. You are putting the blame on them when truth is, they are just being who they are and YOU are the one participating, so this is really about your choices. You are wanting them to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself.
I know you feel angry at this guy for not being what you wanted him to be, so instead you go on another date and connect and cuddle and kiss and you haven’t even allowed yourself to grieve the loss of this guy you really invested in. So now that your needs were not being met with the current guy, instead of taking time and figuring out how to meet your own needs, you immediately go on a date and have another guy meet your needs for you.
I know what you are searching for and I know it’s very easy to just find a guy to fill those needs. Reality is, this new guy is going to disappoint you as well. He is going to hurt you, he is going to make decisions that you don’t agree with, he is going to not see you and take care of you many times….so then what??? What are you going to do when he is not able to be the kind of man you want him to be??? It’s always like that in relationships and that’s why it is sooooo crucial to learn how to meet your own needs, so when your partner is not showing up for you, you are okay and you don’t run.
Does this make sense?
I’m not saying not to date this new guy or not to break up with your current guy….I’m just wanting to shine some light on a possible pattern you might have that will prevent you from getting what you really want. You may or may not connect to what I am saying….let me know!
As far as ending it with the current guy, you can say something simple like, “I’m looking for someone who has nothing stopping him from wanting to know all of who I am and all of who he is….together. I’m afraid too….going deep is risky and scary and it’s impossible to avoid that however, I am willing to risk and I really have started to realize you are not quite there yet. Whether you are not willing to risk because it’s me and I don’t inspire that from you or whether you just don’t want to risk period…it doesn’t matter. The end result is the same and it is important that I honor your choice as well honor my desires. So it’s time to head down our separate paths. You were a wonderful experience for me and I appreciate all that we shared. Thank you.”
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Alicia!!!
Thank you for sharing your story! Heartbreak is soooo so difficult to deal with. It is so hard to break a pattern after 3 years. You can do it though! It is for your own good to protect and take care of your heart now…all on your own.
The reality is, there is something inside of you that you are wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself. Truth is, as wonderful as his personality was, you were living in a fantasy that you were in a relationship with him and you weren’t. Just like what Kanya said, he had a whole different life away from you…with a wife. You chose to get involved in a situation with a man who is not available. You continued these exchanges for so long that you started to believe that there was actually something there. There wasn’t. Now you are waking up to the reality that he is committed to HER, not you. He has made his choice and made his choice every day for 3 years, that he was giving his commitment to his wife and not to you.
The gift here is, you know what it feels like to really care for someone and to really like a man’s personality. There are more of them out there!!!
The reason you have such challenging relationships is because of your choices. If you feel like you don’t deserve better, then you will pick men who support that belief. It has nothing to do with THEM and everything to do with you. I used to be like you. I picked men who were emotionally unavailable all of the time. Then I started to heal all of the hurt I was carrying around and now….I meet a TON of great guys!!! There are so many men out there that are available and will treat you well, but YOU have to believe you deserve it.
It’s time to let him go. It’s time to turn away from a man who has nothing to offer you and turn towards yourself and make a commitment to yourself that you are going to protect your heart from now. You are going to KNOW that your heart is sacred. It is the most special, most sacred part of who you are and you are no longer going to hand it over to ANYONE who will not honor it and take care of it that way. And then you need to start working on your self esteem and all those negative beliefs you have about yourself. Are you able to work with a coach or therapist who can personally guide you through that?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Okay, this makes a lot more sense now.
NO….you are not being too selfish. NO!!! You did not sabotage the relationship by not being more supportive. It’s a learning curve and you are doing the very best that you know how. The thing is, you are not receiving much in return. He isn’t putting much effort into the relationship, therefore you anxiety about the situation is increasing….who wouldn’t have that response???
Has it always been like this, or have you felt him shift and become more distant as time went on?
There is only so much effort you can put in and each person’s tolerance levels are different, so only YOU know when you are done trying. You can decide to stay distant and continue to let him initiate and see what kinds of efforts he puts in or you can just simply end things and say, “Listen….I need to admit that it feels like I am ready to disconnect. It doesn’t feel like you are really invested in me. I know you have a lot going on and soooo much to deal with, but it just feels like the distance combined with your need to take care of whatever you need to do right now…it’s just not a formula I am inspired to keep working with. I admit that I need more and I need to honor that. So it’s time to just let this go, you go be you and I will go be me and let’s just agree that we gave it a shot and it didn’t work and it’s okay!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Petra,
Wow! What a story!
So if I understand it correctly, you want a family and are not willing to let that go? This is a challenging situation, just because of your age. If he is totally willing and not attached to having a family, then you guys are good to go, but he may not know that about himself quite yet. He may change his mind in 5 or 6 years and you will be at an age that you may not be able to have children.
It sounds like this is the only thing getting in the way. I don’t mean to stereotype, but from my experiences and knowledge of people who work in that industry or something similar, commitment and settling down is EXTREMELY difficult. They “play” for a living and it’s tough to give that up.
So let us know where you are at….are you stuck on having a family? There really is no “figuring this out” as this particular topic is a pretty black and white thing. If you are stuck on having a family, you need to move on and depending on his desires, you also may need to move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Myloe,
You are in a tough situation. You have a partner whom you don’t feel emotionally safe with. He is an alcoholic and he is emotionally abusive. When someone heads into a temper, if he hasn’t hit you yet, that may end up being in the cards somehow.
So let me ask you this question. Are you connected at all to the REAL reasons why you want to stay and keep fighting for a guy who won’t fight for himself or your marriage? I cannot imagine you are happy.
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
There may be a way to work on this with him. What if you guys had a talk about it (not during or after a fight, but when things are good) and you said something like this, “When you disappear like that, it leaves me hanging, not knowing what the heck is going on or what to expect. It is sooooo difficult and causes me to put walls up and prepare for the worst. I want to honor you and am learning that you need some space and time to mull things over before you discuss them again. Would you be willing to help me as well? You just would make me feel soooo much more at peace if you could say something like ‘Listen, I need to think things through, so I’m gonna disappear for a bit, but I will contact you in 2 days and we will talk things through. If I’m not ready in 2 days, I will text you and let you know.'”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Jessica!
Great question! I suggest to just go slow. I know you were in love with him in the past, but you really don’t know who he is today. It’s been 15 years, you are going through a divorce and it’s long distance. Those 3 things in and of itself means you need to take things VERY slow, so you can make sure YOU are clear and not just making him a rebound.
Developing the friendship is the most important. Will you guys be able to visit each other at all?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I wish I had a magic formula to help ease your pain. There is a very valuable skill to be learned during this VERY difficult time. I call it “being in the lake of I don’t know.” Meaning, how do you still create resolution, closure and healing when you will never know what caused the ending or how the other person is feeling. It is terribly difficult to do however once you really resolve yourself to being okay with “not knowing” healing can start to take place and you develop your skill of becoming more resilient.
Here is the thing….you are putting your healing on hold as long as you keep trying to figure out why he ghosted you. By doing that, you are putting ALL of your power in his hands, therefore continue to let your hear feel tortured. It’s time to take back your power. You have 100% ability to heal without ever knowing what happened. How? YOU close the door. You tell yourself “I don’t know what happened and now, it doesn’t even matter. The fact that he is ghosting me like this, gives me enough information for me to know that I DO NOT and WILL NOT invited that kind of mindset into my life. I am more valuable than being treated this way. So I reject him and I reject the idea of him being in my life. I want more from a man, I require that a man respects himself and respects me enough to face his fears and communicate with me, even when it’s difficult.”
So it’s time for you to stop counting the days. It’s time for you to close your heart off. No more hoping. It’s over. Stop posting pictures in efforts to portray that you are happy and hoping he sees them. Make no more efforts to get his attention. Maybe it’s time you send him a message of closure. Again, you can say something like, “Hey…I have no idea why you chosen to stop communicating with me. I have come to accept and this and am now creating closure for myself. So I am writing to just let you know I will no longer be contacting you and I am creating closure. I wish you all the best things in your life….take care.”
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
I am so so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. And of course the loss of him just makes it that much more difficult. It’s heart wrenching.
I just want to invite you to think about something. Whenever you put an “ultimatum” on someone (i.e. you need to do this….or you will lose me) it’s putting the power in the other person’s hands. You are making HIM decide instead of you deciding for yourself. As long as you stay connected and available to date casually, you are participating in his “split” energy. He is sitting on the fence. He has you on one side and the other girl on the other side. I know you understand his reasoning, but reality is, there are MANY times in life that we are faced with more than one choice and if we are going to stay focused, committed and invested in a certain path, then no matter how much the other choices pull at us, it’s important to kill off that choice in order to stay focused. That is not the choice he is making. He wants to stay connected to you AND see what’s happening with this other girl. There is no way he will ever find out unless he fully invests with her and closes the door to you OR closes the door to her and invests with you. He cannot sit on the fence and get enough information about either of you in order to know where he wants to invest. So he IS stringing you along and the way you have set this up allows him to stay split and not make a decision. He knows that if he makes a decision in either direction, he will feel the consequences (the loss) and that is something he is not willing to do. He wants his cake and eat it too. So this is where I want to encourage you to set a different kind of boundary and let him go. Kill off his choice to connect with you. He needs to feel what his life is like WIHTOUT you in, to really know and FEEL what he is choosing. With making yourself still available, he doesn’t have to feel the loss the of you. Being as invested as you are, I know how much this hurts, but your commitment to yourself and your love of self is also pretty wonderful. You are sitting around waiting for a man to fight for you. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not doing for yourself. If you REALLY TRULY were fighting for yourself and caring for your heart in the best possible way, you would be saying, “I am the shit! I am an incredible person to love and receive love from and I am someone you are lucky to have in your life. Being that you are not sure of this, then I need to accept that and take my heart energy back and heal and invest in someone who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he wants to be with me, no matter who else comes into the picture.” I’m not saying you should say that to him, I’m just saying this is the kind of mindset of someone who is really committed to protecting and caring for their heart. How you have designed this is caring more about the connection than how your heart is feeling.
With all of that being said, I also suggest to not use him for comfort. You need to feel your life without him as well. Reality is, even if you were to connect with him and receive his comfort and then bond through your pain and him comforting you, he still has energy that is going out to this other woman and will leave you and still connect with her. How awful does that feel???? It will just magnify your pain!! Sharing your pain is such a vulnerable and precious thing and it should never be shared with ANYONE who isn’t fully present with you and you have the type of SOLID relationship that allows for follow up and continual support. That is NOT what you have with him right now, so sharing with him can easily just create more pain for you. Once your relationship has solidarity, THEN you can count on him and TRUST that he has your back not only in that moment, but many moments thereafter.
I know I have given you a lot to think about and you may even be quite resistant at first. Just sit with it for a bit. If there is any truth in what I am saying, you will know. You are a very strong soul and that means you can handle seeing the truth. Acting upon the truth is a whole different story though. There are PLENTY of times I have knowingly ignored the truth and went forward anyways and that’s okay too! There are always lessons to learn no matter what you decide.
Heidi
Hi Shree,
What wonderful realizations you have had. It sounds like he really does open up, but only when he wants to and only when he is not being pushed. Right now, it’s not really an issue, but I really want you to consider that it changes once you get into a romantic relationship with him and if you continue to build a family. When 2 people start to live together and intertwine their lives, communication is so so so important!!! I imagine he might be the type to just hold his feelings in about things that might frustrate him or irritate him and he won’t tell you until it has built up. I don’t know for sure if that is how he will behave, but most likely. He holds his feelings very close and that creates a GIANT problem the closer you get to someone. If there is not open and free flowing communication about ALL areas of life, you are going to run into some major challenges. I’m only saying this for you to be aware of what you are choosing. It’s crucial you really see the challenges you will face the deeper you go with him. So just be ready and really make sure your expectations match who he IS and not what you want him to be for you. I could totally be wrong AND it’s important to be realistic. He is NOT that kind of guy that you can just “trigger” and he all of a sudden has an undying passion for you. In order for a person to have undying passion, there has to be an internal self esteem, strength and safety to support that undying passion. He DOES NOT HAVE THAT! He does not feel safe inside of himself. He has limited trust inside of himself therefore limited trust in you. . You explained that part of your attraction to him was his quiet and reserved self. It is not even in his personality to express undying passion in romance, especially since he is still protecting himself from hurt due to past relationships.
I’m not trying to change your mind. I am wanting to ground you in the reality of who he is so you know what you are dealing with and set your expectations accordingly. You will find so much more ease and peace as you move forward with him. I think you are wise to wait a bit to tell him how you feel. Being that he doesn’t handle emotional stress so well, it’s good for him to focus on his current situation and get through it, before connecting with you in that way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Janet!
I’m glad to hear you are grateful in your life and have a lot of good things going for you! I imagine that is part of why the men say “How are you still single?” You have a lot going for you.
AND…we all have areas where we struggle. I have a ton of self esteem and strength and quite an amazing life and in certain areas, I still have a lot of work to do and that is normal. So it sounds like you struggle a bit more in the romance department.
I’m not sure of your question. What “stuff” are you referring to and what if it influences what? Here are just a few questions….what is your pattern in dating? What type are you typically attracted to? What do you feel is influencing your attitude towards men and dating? Is there anything in particular that you notice that would be influencing your lack of success in finding someone long term?
Heidi
Hi Janet,
A lot of studies have been done about compliments. It takes, on average, 20 seconds for the compliment to be fully absorbed. It’s very important to learn how to receive a compliment. It’s a gift another person is trying to give you and when you don’t fully receive it, it’s like giving it back to them.
When someone is being flirty like that, I suggest just receiving it. I’m not sure they are really asking for a specific answer. When I have hear that one, I usually just smile, I might get a little bashful and I say something like, “Thank you. That is a really nice thing to say and it made me feel good.” I usually put my hand to my heart as well, as a gesture of receiving what they said. It’s VERY VERY important for you to be able to receive compliments. If you can’t, then maybe now is a good time to start practicing!!! Ask your friends to tell you the top 3 things they like best about you. Ask your family to tell you what qualities are your best qualities.
You don’t want to say that you there aren’t a lot of quality guys out there. It’s a statement that puts the blame on the guy when the truth is, it’s about you and them together. I have come across a TON of quality guys, but they still didn’t match me, so it’s not necessarily about the quality of a person. I’m wondering if that mindset of yours is contributing to your challenge of finding someone…
Sometimes, they may pursue the question of why you aren’t with someone, after you receive the compliment. If they pursue the question, I usually put it on myself and say something like, “I just haven’t come across a man that inspires me to want to move forward into something deeper.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Reema,
With the kind of stance you are taking, I’m thinking you have quite a strong connection with him, maybe more than you are willing to admit. You ARE putting ultimatums on him. You don’t want to be “strung along” and you are setting some very clear boundaries about what you need. If it were truly casual, I can’t imagine you would go to such efforts. With all the efforts you are putting into this, it seems like you want something more serious with him. Your heart is involved. Are you sure you feel okay with him dating other women? Even if it’s just casual? And what is casual anyways? Kissing, but no sex?
Heidi
