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Hi Rosalie!
This is a great question. For now, I would suggest waiting about a week and giving him space to initiate. Part of not being “needy” means letting the guy feel the absence of you. If he doesn’t initiate, then you can try one more time, texting him and have it be similar to your last one where you sent him a pic of the license plate. You don’t want to text, “Hey…how are you?” kind of thing. Send him a funny video or a picture of something and just say “Thought this would make you laugh.” or “I saw this and thought of you! I had to share.”
These are texts that don’t put pressure on him to respond and have a conversation. Many people just don’t have time for that, so they ignore the message. Plus, he may end up feeling like you are starting to get “needy” again. So if you do decide to initiate a text again in a week or 2, make it light, funny and not a question, but a comment.
Does this make sense? How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hello Yvette!
Thank you for sharing your struggle. It is a valid one and you are approaching it in such a wonderful way by first seeking an outside opinion. Good job!
First, it’s important to understand that although he was super wonderful in the beginning, this is very normal for a person’s other habits and tendencies to be exposed down the road. So however he behaved in the beginning, it’s no longer accurate for who he is today. The question is why? And the other question is, which part of him is the most real and dominant side in his life? Is he more romantic and he is just stressed right now, or is he always like this? That is something that only time will tell. But what you DO know so far, is he is not a good communicator and he is not affectionate.
So my question to you is….what is going on for you, that you are sticking around trying to find a way to make it work with a guy who doesn’t communicate and show affection? And FYI…his response of “I wouldn’t be talking to you right now, would I?” to your question about whether or not he wants to be with you….that is a total copout answer. He is avoiding the answer and is not being honest and basically expecting putting the blame on you. He is expecting that you should know he wants to be with you because he is still there. Nope! That does not fly with me! It is not an answer and it is not taking responsibility for himself. A good answer would be, “Oh wow. What is making you question this? Did I do something?”
Let me also ask you this….how do you know he even likes you anymore? If he is not affectionate and he doesn’t communicate to you, then what IS there left in the relationship to make you feel connected to him?
If you did want to approach this, you can say something like, “I need to be honest and let you know that the how you and I function in a relationship is not working for me anymore. I am realizing that I really love being affectionate and I really desire to communicate more. I want to exchange stories about our day and I want to hear about what you are thinking about stuff in your life. But it just doesn’t seem like those are things you need in a relationship. Is that true?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
Well done in preparing. If you hadn’t, I’m not sure you would have handled it so gracefully. I do that many times as well….pray and center myself BEFORE entering a potentially argumentative situation. That is such HUGE awareness on your part and because of that, you role modeled for him the kind of women he is losing and that it IS possible to have a peaceful and respectful ending. Many men don’t know this is possible!
Thank you for sharing this with all of us!
Heidi
Hi Lola,
What kinds of plans do you have with him for the holidays?
Considering his pattern and how he is behaving and designing his life right now, I would not rely very much on his ability to be excited about anything right now. It doesn’t sound like he is even in a place of being able to fight for your family. He is in such survival mode right now, so he will just keep making decisions to take care of himself right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lola,
What kinds of plans do you have with him for the holidays?
Considering his pattern and how he is behaving and designing his life right now, I would not rely very much on his ability to be excited about anything right now. It doesn’t sound like he is even in a place of being able to fight for your family. He is in such survival mode right now, so he will just keep making decisions to take care of himself right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Monique,
There is this thing called the “upper limit.” This is the reason why people don’t better as they get better. I know it’s confusing, so hopefully this description will make it more clear.
Imagine we all have our own giant tub. That tub represents our capacity to receive love and be happy. How full that tub gets is DIRECTLY linked to our low self esteem. So if someone has a LARGE part of themselves that believes they are not good enough, their tub will only fill up just a little. For someone who has a HUGE capacity to receive and they love themselves greatly, they can fill that tub up! So what happens is, if someone comes along in your life and he is wonderful and amazing and is able to offer you so many wonderful things, it will go against your STRONG belief that you are not enough. You don’t deserve compliments, you don’t deserve to be loved for exactly who you are….your upper limit (the limit of which you will allow yourself to be happy) will get reached VERY QUICKLY. Then, you will start to sabotage because you won’t allow yourself to get past your limit of how happy you believe you deserve to be. So…your low self esteem is in complete control of how happy you can be. Your other self, that wants more, that wants to receive love is not in the driver’s seat. So that’s why people who start to get what they want, they will sabotage because they are not set up to be happy and get what they want. They have too much low self esteem to allow such goodness and love into their lives.
You increase the upper limit by facing the low self esteem. For example, if you cannot receive a compliment and allow it to get into your system to where you can feel the beauty of it, how can you expect for an amazing man to enter into your life and enjoy being with you? If you just keep rejection his vision of you, he won’t stick around. So by facing your low self esteem and healing the reasons why it is there in the first place, you slowly begin to raise your upper limit.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Be kind to yourself. Stop wishing you were different that who you are. Even if you did handle things “perfectly,” it still would have come to this point. Truth be told, this guy does not match what you want. So the inevitable just happened sooner than what you were ready for. And as I recall, didn’t you ask him if he was okay? You presented opportunities for him to be honest about how he was feeling. Besides, it’s not YOUR responsibility to get him to communicate. That is HIS job, so this is NOT about you doing anything different. Let’s be real here….he didn’t want to fight for the relationship. That extra “time” you gave him by giving him space, allowed him to feel what he needed to feel in order to be honest with you. So again, this is not about you being or behaving any differently. He is just not a good match. You want a guy who sees you for who you are and loves that! Your good, your ugly, your silly, your limited self. This guy did not have that vision of you and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. Again, I bring you back to this….if he hadn’t ended it now, you would have just grown more and more miserable with his lack of connection and communication. When a guy pulls away like that, it would drive any woman crazy! SO many women on this forum find themselves feeling desperate for communication and connection, because their guy has pulled away for some reason or another. It’s a pretty normal reaction to lose your ground and your center when someone you care about pulls away.
So be kind to yourself. Your heart is hurting because you feel rejected. And thank goodness. This guy does not have the makings for a good relationship with you. You wanted to fight for a man who wasn’t fighting for you back. It’s time to turn that attention towards yourself and be caring and gentle and kind with your beautiful heart.
No need to be embarrassed. Risking takes strength because you never know how it will turn out. Be proud of yourself that you could risk, because so many people don’t. How else are you going to learn unless you take risks with relationships??
In regards to your pattern of the men you are attracted to, what do you understand about it? Do you know why this is your pattern? You choose men that are not able to offer what you want or need. So what do you feel is happening inside of you, that would make those kind of choices?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I’m so sorry for all the changes and loss you have right now. Losing your son and your guy at the same time is very difficult. Your heart must really be hurting.
Of course you still care about this guy. Whenever there is a breakup, even though there might be a mile long list of reasons why, there is also a list of good things, or you wouldn’t have been with him in the first place. The loss of those wonderful things is what hurts so much. But really coming to a realization that he no longer is able to be the kind of guy you need him to be, is important. You saw his lack of effort with your son and you are spot on seeing that his actions and words did not align and that is crucial for words to truly have power.
This time will pass and your heart will heal. You are a role model for how a woman is treated. You are a role model for how to fight for yourself and your own needs. Remember that. You are being watched. The more you care for yourself, the more you forgive the hurt, the more you choose love over judgment, the healthier role model you will be.
Keep talking to us and letting us know how you are, what you are struggling with and how you are progressing. We are all here for you!
Heidi
HI Sharon,
you are doing sooooo AMAZING!!!! You are doing such great work and really starting to feel yourself differently….in a way where you are staying connected to yourself and not abandoning yourself when a guy shows up. WELL DONE!!!! Keep it up! At first, it takes a bit more work, but the more you do it, the more it will start to become a new way of living and feel like a natural way to function. You seriously kick ass!
As far as the party in a few weeks, can you consider NOT attending? If you don’t feel ready to see your ex, why not just stay home? It’s important to protect yourself right? If you cannot go without Matt, that again is using Matt as a buffer and to make you feel secure, which again, may just mean it’s better for you to not attend. I’m sure the person throwing the party will understand. You have quite the social life, so missing a party should be okay….thoughts?
Also, what do you think will happen if you see him socially?
Heidi
Hi Luna!
Her skill in how to attract men, is not always a good thing! I know for me, I had that mastered and pretty much could get any guy I wanted. However, I was so emotionally unhealthy and attracted men for he wrong reasons…and of course nothing ever sustained. I don’t know if this is her thing or what the reasons are for her abilities, but it doesn’t matter. You want a guy who only has eyes for you and KNOWS you are all he wants.
I would not directly ask him out for a drink. Is there a way you can post on social media saying something like, “Hey….in town and heading out this place tonight.” So you indirectly let him know….is that possible?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
There is always a change for someone to come back full circle. No one knows what the future will hold. The important thing is, you need to live your life in the NOW….not for what could happen. When you put yourself on hold and “hope” that another person will make the decision you want, you lose yourself. You are living for HIM and not for yourself.
This other girl IS lucky and she is not. The way he handles confrontation, stress and challenge, I would not wish that on anyone. It’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who runs away from challenge. That is not how a “team” works. Couples that stay together, work through things TOGETHER. So in a really big way, despite your feelings for him, you would neve have been happy with him. Can you imagine dealing with his “run away” choices for another 10 to 20 years? Then imagine throwing children into the mix and him leaving you to deal with all the hard stuff. You would end up feeling soooooo alone in your life.
Tell me what is it about him that makes you want to fight so hard for him, despite how he has treated you?
Heidi
Well done Peggy! You did it in such an honoring and respectful way and you really took care of yourself. It’s okay that he doesn’t get it, nor sees your viewpoint. well done for just letting him figure that out on his own vs. you needing to “teach” him your perspective. So many people head into trying to explain more and more and it can just get so messy. You did such a wonderful job and have such amazing clarity.
Thank you for sharing!!! You rock! AND I’m sorry for what you are having to go throug. It’s a loss and that is always hard, even if it makes sense. Sending a lot of good vibes in your direction!
Heiidi
Hi Alexa,
This is sad news, but I’m no surprised. With how you continued to share what his responses were like, I could tell that he just wasn’t into the relationship anymore.
Listen, you can look back all you want and wish you had done things differently and that’s normal. Relationships are about learning. In your situation, I think you will now give your intuition more credibility. You KNEW something was off. You KNEW, despite what he was saying, that he just wasn’t there. But like all of us, we question that and doubt. It’s okay! Now you can know that you were spot on with what you were feeling, you came here to talk about it and got other opinions and you did EVERYTHING you possibly could have. How amazing is that! You kicked ass! Any guy would be lucky to have a women who when to such extents. Unfortunately, it doesn’t guarantee any outcome, except that you get to learn about yourself. So be kind to yourself. This won’t be the last time you will look back and wish you did things differently. That is a life long challenge we all have to face. It’s invevitable, but what CAN change is how you treat yourself when you finally do “wake up” and learn whatever lessons are there for you. You did the very best you could and that is enough!!!
As far as the future and choosing a better man for you, that is a looooong conversation. One of the first skills I teach people is how to develop their 6th sense….their intuition and how to give it a voice. That sense is soooo powerful and can see or feel things that are off. Learning to trust that is CRUCIAL as a skill to help determine what works well for you. Have you looked at the “Developing Feminine Inutition” course?? That is the place to start and then we can keeep talking about the next steps. Also, it’s important to notice your patterns about the kind of guys you attract. Then get back with us and let us know what those patterns are and we can guide you though how to shift those.
As far as guys feeling pressure for children because of your age, I suggest to just let that go. A man who fits you, will be on the same page as you. I also recommend to look at the idea of NOT having children. You want to get to place where you say, “I’m good with having a child, I’m also good with not having a child. Whatever shows up for my life, I will enjoy it and be grateful.” How does that concept make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Fabia! What a wonderful attitude you have! I’m so glad you are able to take a step back and look at the big picture and take your time. He is lucky to have you!!!
We wish you all the best as well! Please keep us updated!!
Heidi
Hi Vlkova!
Thank you for writing in!!
Being with a married man is such a crap shoot. You guys have been together for 9 years. You are finally divorced, but I am wondering why he is not getting divorced. What is keeping him connected to his marriage?
Here is the very blunt truth. He is not available. You think you have intimacy and love, but what kind of love is it that has been built on lies? What kind of intimacy is it really, when it needs to be hidden?
You don’t have a REAL understanding about who he is. Neither of you know the day in and day out functioning of each other. You just know the sex, the trips and the fun, but I wonder how much you know about the struggles of each other…the daily habits, the FULL version of each other. It’s not possible to know these things when you are in hiding.
I am guessing you want him to leave his wife and marry you? Or be in a committed relationship with you? And what makes you think he won’t cheat on you or vice versa? You both have taken the path of cheating to be with each other. Your relationship has been built on secrecy. What makes you think it won’t happen with you guys as a couple? If you both would rather choose to be secret for 9 years instead of facing your own marriages and dealing with what is really happening there first, then that tells me that neither of you are willing to face the hardest part of your lives. So you will both take that pattern into your own relationship, which just makes you guys vulnerable to quite a bit of mess.
I’m glad you are finally choosing to end your marriage. This way, you can at least start to live a life with honesty and that is important for your own emotional health! What is stopping him from getting divorced?
Thoughts?
Heidi
