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Hi Alexa,
This is sad news, but I’m no surprised. With how you continued to share what his responses were like, I could tell that he just wasn’t into the relationship anymore.
Listen, you can look back all you want and wish you had done things differently and that’s normal. Relationships are about learning. In your situation, I think you will now give your intuition more credibility. You KNEW something was off. You KNEW, despite what he was saying, that he just wasn’t there. But like all of us, we question that and doubt. It’s okay! Now you can know that you were spot on with what you were feeling, you came here to talk about it and got other opinions and you did EVERYTHING you possibly could have. How amazing is that! You kicked ass! Any guy would be lucky to have a women who when to such extents. Unfortunately, it doesn’t guarantee any outcome, except that you get to learn about yourself. So be kind to yourself. This won’t be the last time you will look back and wish you did things differently. That is a life long challenge we all have to face. It’s invevitable, but what CAN change is how you treat yourself when you finally do “wake up” and learn whatever lessons are there for you. You did the very best you could and that is enough!!!
As far as the future and choosing a better man for you, that is a looooong conversation. One of the first skills I teach people is how to develop their 6th sense….their intuition and how to give it a voice. That sense is soooo powerful and can see or feel things that are off. Learning to trust that is CRUCIAL as a skill to help determine what works well for you. Have you looked at the “Developing Feminine Inutition” course?? That is the place to start and then we can keeep talking about the next steps. Also, it’s important to notice your patterns about the kind of guys you attract. Then get back with us and let us know what those patterns are and we can guide you though how to shift those.
As far as guys feeling pressure for children because of your age, I suggest to just let that go. A man who fits you, will be on the same page as you. I also recommend to look at the idea of NOT having children. You want to get to place where you say, “I’m good with having a child, I’m also good with not having a child. Whatever shows up for my life, I will enjoy it and be grateful.” How does that concept make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Fabia! What a wonderful attitude you have! I’m so glad you are able to take a step back and look at the big picture and take your time. He is lucky to have you!!!
We wish you all the best as well! Please keep us updated!!
Heidi
Hi Vlkova!
Thank you for writing in!!
Being with a married man is such a crap shoot. You guys have been together for 9 years. You are finally divorced, but I am wondering why he is not getting divorced. What is keeping him connected to his marriage?
Here is the very blunt truth. He is not available. You think you have intimacy and love, but what kind of love is it that has been built on lies? What kind of intimacy is it really, when it needs to be hidden?
You don’t have a REAL understanding about who he is. Neither of you know the day in and day out functioning of each other. You just know the sex, the trips and the fun, but I wonder how much you know about the struggles of each other…the daily habits, the FULL version of each other. It’s not possible to know these things when you are in hiding.
I am guessing you want him to leave his wife and marry you? Or be in a committed relationship with you? And what makes you think he won’t cheat on you or vice versa? You both have taken the path of cheating to be with each other. Your relationship has been built on secrecy. What makes you think it won’t happen with you guys as a couple? If you both would rather choose to be secret for 9 years instead of facing your own marriages and dealing with what is really happening there first, then that tells me that neither of you are willing to face the hardest part of your lives. So you will both take that pattern into your own relationship, which just makes you guys vulnerable to quite a bit of mess.
I’m glad you are finally choosing to end your marriage. This way, you can at least start to live a life with honesty and that is important for your own emotional health! What is stopping him from getting divorced?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lori!
He sure is lucky to have you in his life! I am wondering the same as Kanya. It sounds like he made a “vow” of some sorts to never love again or never enter into a serious relationship again. People do this many times in their life and usually happens when they are in deep pain. This type of “promise” can energetically imprint and have a HUGE influence on them for the rest of their lives…until they choose to fight for more. It sounds like if there is ever a chance with him breaking that fear of relationship…it could be with you.
I also want to support your thoughts about still going out and meeting other men. It’s important for you to still live your life and move forward and not wait for him. He may never come around. Then again, the thought of losing your friendship may inspire him to fight for something more. Who knows! Either way, this is YOUR design and it’s important to honor him where he is at. He most likely feels attracted to you at moments where those feelings seep through those thick walls he built. Regardless, there are still some big walls and if you are going to respect that, it means you need to keep having other experiences.
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Alicia,
You are far from a hopeless case! You are worth every bit of encouragement and guidance we offer. You want connection and companionship and intimacy. The longer you spend with someone, it’s just a natural progression to head into love. It sounds like you want a best friend?? Someone to share your life with? Someone to witness life with you? Many people do that these days without marriage. The challenge for you, is you are doing it with men who are already taken. And that takes me back to what Kanya mentioned about wanting one thing but choosing another. One part of you wants that companion, but then another part of you chooses it with men who cannot offer that to you….and obviously that part is stronger. That part of you is wounded, doesn’t feel safe in the world, doesn’t trust herself and has a lot of walls up. Would you consider working with a Coach or Therapist? It might be worth exploring as you learn about yourself and how to shift your patterns.
I am also wondering what definition you have on your age. You keep mentioning “at my age” or “my stage in life,” so I am wondering what that has to do with how you are choosing to function. It sounds like you have functioned this way for many years, so I am not sure what your age has to do with the kind of experience you want to have with a man….
Heidi
holy smokes Peggy!
What an incredible perspective you have. You are quite resilient and wise with the perspective you are taking. You are staying VERY grounded in what is happening and not allowing yourself to get swept off your feet by this new guy. I love that you admit there is stuff to still resolve in your heart about this last guy. He sure is missing out on you! But you choosing connection with yourself over a connection with him, is how you break patterns. You are well on your way to finding and attracting what you need for a deeper, more meaningful connection with a man.
I am so proud of you! And what a wonderful thing to write a song about that guy. You are honoring him in a way that will last forever! It’s just beautiful!
So what are you going to say to this last guy to break up?
Heidi
Hi Shree!
This is great!!! As long as you appreciated him and let him know you were excited to hear from him, then you did EXACTLY what was needed, so don’t worry about not using the terminology I used…..
I’m not sure I understand your question. Do you mean how do you keep the conversation going?? Or do you mean, what should you be responding like?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Your poor heart has just taken quite the fall. I am so sorry. I wish I could just reach through and give you a giant hug!
I’m going to say something that is really difficult. It’s time for you to let him go. He has chosen to go have other experiences and has admitted he doesn’t love you the way you love him. Not that it ever is equal or is supposed to be, but what does need to happen is for that person to feel enough love to want to continue with the relationship….and it sounds like he is not in that place.
I understand your upset and your frustration with him and you have every right to feel those things. However, it doesn’t change he needs to have some space.
If you truly do love him and respect him, that means accepting his choices and boundaries as well. You don’t want him back any sooner than when he would be ready to come back. So that means, let him go. Let him do what he needs to do and you start to figure out your life without him in it. Who knows…maybe in awhile your paths will cross again. Maybe not. Either way, it’s not a very kind thing to your heart, to sit around and wait for someone who doesn’t know what he wants.
How does me saying this, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Jade,
Thank you for sharing your story! This is tough! So from what it sounds like, you have only met 2x? Once in Australia and once in Amsterdam? Where is he from? How long is the plan ride to visit him?
It’s a pretty bold move to purchase plane tickets hardly knowing him, but obviously the attraction was strong enough for you, that it must made sense. It’s a VERY difficult thing to start a relationship over long distance, however not impossible.
It’s important for you to understand first, that you cannot talk someone out of their fear, especially when it’s THAT big. So nothing you can say or do will change how he feels, especially being so far away. If you were in person, your chances are better. But being that you just met and barely know each other AND you are long distance, the odds are not in your favor.
I’m also wondering if he might already be dating someone at home. Maybe he wasn’t sure about her, but now he is, so he called things off with you. Maybe he recently got back together with an ex girlfriend. There are so many possibilities of what could be happening.
You can still go and show up and have fun as friends. He might find that even seeing you for a cup of coffee, he will be reminded of your chemistry and change his mind. I wonder what he would say to you still coming for a visit anyways and just having dinner together. Do you think he would be willing to do that?
Or…you can call it quits. I’m sure your airline can give you a voucher to use to travel to another location or extend the date to a different month. You can go later on next year and just don’t plan on seeing him. I know the connection is strong, but at this phase, it’s just a connection without any real substance behind it. You really don’t know who this guy is, or what he is about. I would caution you in investing too much into trying make something work with this guy.
Thoughts??
heidi
oops…pressed return a little early…
anyways, I first want to be a little more clear about self esteem. Every person has high self esteem and low self esteem. How much of each depends on the category. I have very high self esteem in many areas of my life AND I definitely have low self esteem in other areas. Sometimes I have both, in the same exact category! So you DO have high self esteem too! You are just struggling in the relationship department. Considering what you described about your childhood, it explains a lot!!!
My Coach, who is an extremely wise woman, taught me years ago that the #1 reason people don’t get better, is they get better. Doesn’t make sense right??? It’s because their system is not set up for success. So as much as you say “I want that companion for life the will have my back…” you are not ready for that. If that man showed up right at this moment, it would make you so uncomfortable!!! You would sabotage all over the place!!! And that’s because there is still enough low self esteem and feelings of not being enough, that you wouldn’t be able receive what that kind of guy can offer you. If that is really the kind of guy that you wanted, you wouldn’t be dilly dallying with the kind of guys you are choosing. You know when you are ready for that kind of guy you imagine, when you start to say NO to anyone who cannot support that vision you have.
Here is a really simple analogy….Someone may WANT so badly to lose 50 pounds and even dream about it, feel it in their gut, KNOW it is what is good for them. Yet, they still eat cookies, ice cream and fattening foods that don’t support their vision. They are not set up for success. They can even start to lose weight and then gain it back, over and over and over again. They start to get what they want, but there are still some underlying blocks preventing them from full success and sustainability of that success.
Does this concept make sense???
With your therapist, I would be addressing your ability to receive love. I would addressing your beliefs about what love is, your fears, your blocks etc. All of those things came from your experiences in your formative years. I’m sure you and your therapist are working through so many things, as you have had some extremely difficult and traumatic experiences in your life.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Monique!
It makes total sense! I just want to take a moment and acknowledge the strength you have in “waking up” to yourself on a deeper level. It’s always uncomfortable and requires a bit of strength and determination to get to the other side of the new discoveries about ourselves.
Hi Noemi!
Thank you for all of the details and sharing your story with us! I understand very well, what it means to love someone, even though it’s a toxic relationship. One of the most powerful loves I have felt was with a man that I argued with ALL THE TIME! It was awful. We argued over the stupidest things, yet when things were good, they were FANTASTIC!!!! We just had this chemistry and connection that was off the charts. One day though, I realized that I loved him, but I actually didn’t like him. I didn’t know that was possible, yet there I stood feeling exactly that.
Here is the thing Noemi….I’m so glad you have learned a lot about your mistakes and your insecurities. That is very important in order to help change the dynamics in a relationship, BUT he needs to work on himself as well. What is he doing to make himself a better partner. What is he learning about himself and the mistakes he made in the relationship??? You BOTH need to participate in the changes in order to shift all the arguments into something more healthy.
My suggestion is to not stay with him for 2 months without some kind of backup plan. It will be very easy for you both to fall back into the same patterns. You will still have your own place to go back to right?
If you feel you want to give it a shot and see how it works to stay at his place, then go for it. You will learn a lot right? You will learn how to use your new knowledge to be better in the relationship and you will learn if that changes anything between you guys. If it doesn’t workout, you can always just go back home.
Does this answer your questions? How do you feel about that approach?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Once you create closure for yourself, your pain will be able to resolve. As long as you keep the hope alive and as long as you keep allowing your heart and mind free reign to think about him and wonder what happened, you will not heal. Creating closure will bring some peace into your heart. I know letting him go feels awful though. It’s hard to say goodbye and there is not a thing you can do to change how hard it really is. Be kind to yourself….
Heidi
Hi Shree,
This is great that he contacted you. Keep waiting again! Let him contact you again. How long was the text exchange? You said it was a friendly conversation, but was it short as well? Or did it go on over a few hours?
When you responded, originally, did you say anything to the affect of, “It’s so nice to hear from you. It always puts a big smile on my face….” Or did you just say…”Happy thanksgiving to you too.”
U want to make sure you make him feel like a hero when he contacts you…..that is the nurture Kanya is talking about when caring for a plant 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I’m glad to hear you are taking it slow and that your kids are slowly getting to interact with him. I want to caution you about putting so much power in your the hands of your children. They are children and do not have the ability for abstract thinking, so their opinions are limited and full of many irrational feelings. You are the adult and can make the best decision for yourself. What you do, is you want to listen to your children and how they feel about him. Do they feel safe? Do they feel he is a good person? Do they like him? Do they enjoy when he is around? This is all good information to gather and always a good discussion to have with them openly. But you, as the adult, still make your own choices. If you say yes and your kids say no, I would hate for you to give them that power and lose out on something that could really be nourishing for you.
Just a thought…
Heidi
