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Hi Lola,
That makes me sad that you don’t have time for your own feelings, yet you have time to forgive him, comfort him and help make HIM feel better, all the while you are last on the list. I imagine this is a pattern of yours….everyone else matters and you don’t, so you will deal with yourself later. This would be one aspect that would need to shift if your relationship is going to work.
Trying to get someone to go to counseling is very difficult. Something in them needs to WANT to change. Many times, it’s someone being in enough pain and misery that they will do ANYTHING to fix it…or for others, they know they need help and are willing to face themselves.
I suggest for YOU to start going to counseling. I think that might be the best way. This way, you get to have 1 hour, all to yourself, venting and feeling what you need to feel and having someone coach you through the process and teach you new things about yourself and your relationship. THEN…when you come home and you have short conversations with him, you can share some things like, “Working with my therapist, I realized how much I contributed to where we are right now. I saw how some of what I have done contributed to you looking elsewhere. I am sorry about that and I am working on it.” So as you share your journey and take responsibility for who you are, then maybe he will follow your lead and realize it isn’t so terrible to get help. You need help. You are in the danger zone of getting sick or something happening because you are so exhausted. If your husband said yes to counseling, you would find 1 hour in your week to make that happen. Being that it isn’t an option right now, take that 1 hour for yourself. You desperately need some help!!!! You should be exhausted as you are doing everything. Does your husband help at all? Is there anything he can do to help lighten the load a little?Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Drop it. DO NOT text that. It would have been something you may have gotten away with in the moment, but by now, it will only come across as you harboring resentment. The fact that you are still thinking about it just tells me you are holding onto this and you are wanting him to fix this for you by appreciating you. Is this a common pattern between you guys? Do you often feel like he doesn’t appreciate your help? I am wondering why this is such a big deal for you…..there must be history with this pattern between you guys.
And yes, wait another week and DO NOT initiate. The ball is in his court right now.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
No, you don’t need to lie. However, you also don’t need to answer. Just because he is asking a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer. Let’s be REALLY honest here….how can he NOT have these feelings? I’m sure a part of you wanted this situation to happen so you could see how he would respond….and I sure don’t blame him for saying, “why are you texting me this?” and that is a good question. A part of you set up the situation because you are wanting to connect.
Do you not have any close friends? Whatever you are frustrated about, that’s something you can talk to your girlfriends about, you don’t need to text him at 4am about something like this.You did however, accomplish what you wanted. You got a reaction from him and it sounds like more truth came out about the situation.
I want to ask you this….do you understand what he means when he says he wants to feel like he misses you even in the relationship? What did you learn from the conversation?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
This is wonderful to hear!!!! I’m glad you are having a completely different experience here. And wow! I can’t believe you talked about STD testing! NO ONE does that! It’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss for most people so they just hop right into bed and avoid the conversation. With the amount of HPV and Herpes floating around our population, it’s so crucial to discuss this. Again, well done!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing your story! I am soooo so sorry for all you have been through. For both of you to be diagnosed with cancer is beyond difficult!!! How are you doing? How is he doing?
I just have a few questions for clarification:
1. Did he cheat on you? Is that the big man mistake you are referring to? Was it just once or did he have an affair? Did you confront him? What happened?2. What is the current status of your relationship?
3. When were / are you supposed to get married?
Heidi
Hello again,
The truth is, it doesn’t matter if he understand or not. He is just upset and he has to deal with not getting what he wants all the time. He is being manipulate and trying throw the guilt on you, make you the bad and wrong person, all so he can get what he wants. When someone is being manipulate like that with me, I just don’t participate. You wanting to fix him and help him feel better by trying to help him understand…that’s you participating in the game he is playing. So for me, I just offer kindness and validation and then I let it go and let them deal with their emotions. I would say something like this: “Listen…I am really sorry that I am not being flexible this time around. I get that it’s frustrating. I’m more than willing to be flexible next weekend if that is helpful for you….let me know!”
And just leave it at that….DO NOT head into trying to explain or defend your choice. But you validating how he feels could possibly ease him a bit and maybe giving him an extra day on another weekend….
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I want to encourage you to NOT wait until you feel indifferent. This is about you making a conscious choice about the kind of person you want to be in the world and the kind of role model you want to be. I personally do not want to live with resentment or anger or bitterness in my heart. They are powerful, toxic emotions and the only person it hurts, is me….either through getting sick or those feelings occupying my thoughts and emotions and stealing energy away from me that causes me to shrink. I would rather be filled with love that expands me and those around me. So…even in the middle of my anger and bitterness, I am choosing forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that I FEEL forgiveness…..what I am doing is programming myself to be the person I want to be. So I am making a conscious statement that I WILL FORIGVE no matter what. Every time I make that statement, regardless of how I feel, it gets me one step closer to feeling that forgiveness and healing from the hurt. It’s a “fake it until you make it” kind of concept.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
Well done! There is always so much to learn through toxic relationships and those are the gifts. He has shown you who you are not. He has shown you how you want to be treated differently and now you are going to fight for that in the future and not settle, as the price is very high to pay! Anytime you feel that resentment, follow that thought and feeling with the statement, “AND I choose to forgive him.” It can help make the process go faster. Resentment is a pretty powerful, toxic emotion so it’s important for you to deal with is quickly and not allow it to settle into your system.
Heidi
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your question! It’s actually a very good question!
First, it’s important to understand that you cannot make anyone love you. Love is sooooo dynamic and layered and full of all kinds of fears and beliefs and challenges. Love is a risk. Some people, no matter how happy they are with someone, will not risk. My point being, you never know what someone will do as they start to connect with someone. You could be the best girlfriend on the face of the planet and yet your guy will not move forward. All you can do is be the best that you know how to be and then let the rest go. Whether he falls in love with you or not, is the risk and the journey. If love is possible here, let it grow at it’s own pace. It’s only been 2 months. I know very few people who would feel “love” at 2 months. Strong attraction yes, but love, not really. Love is deeper and requires TIME. Let it develop at its own pace and time.
Now, there are ways to be that can help him feel more connected with you and that’s what this program is about. There is so much information offered as to how to support a man, yourself and help the relationship grow. First, I don’t know how the conversation came up that he told you he is not in love with you “yet.” If you asked him that question, I would suggest that from now on, you don’t put him on the spot like that. He will tell you when and if he is ready. Many times, discussions about “love” and feelings too soon, can cause a guy to run the other direction. So give him space to feel what he feels without any pressure or questioning from you.
Next, develop the friendship. When a guy feels like he has a good friend in you, a best friend, there is no deeper bond than that. Become the person he feels emotionally safe with. Become the person who is always curious about who he is and how he is feeling. Become the person who is supportive of his life. Become the person he can count on to tell him the truth about yourself and about him. Hold him accountable to being his best self. Appreciate him for all he does. Those are invaluable things for a relationship. That is what a solid relationship is built upon. Of course, adding the romance, intimacy and flirting with it, and you have a killer combination! BUT…all of this just takes time. So for now, what you want to focus on is really getting to now each other. It’s only been a few months, so you don’t even know if you WANT him to fall in love with you. You need to see all sides to him before you know if you are physically and emotionally safe with him. You need to see how you guys argue together. You need to see how he is around all of your friends and family. You need to see how he handles stressful situations in his life.
Does all of this make sense?
Yes….you gave him a brand new experience of what a woman can be like. That is the best thing you could have offered him. My guess is, with a program like that running his heart and mind, you never would have gotten in. He never would have trusted you. He would have been waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him at any moment.
Just something to consider for the future….a man who says something like that, is pretty wounded and doesn’t feel safe inside himself to go deep with a lady. I would IMMEDIATELY run the other direction. It’s guaranteed you will hit a wall and not to say that it couldn’t be broken down, but you are looking at some serious work and rejection and resistance. It’s just best to let a guy like that keep his perspective and not participate.
Hi Rosalie!
My guess is, he was testing the waters. He was probably seeing what you would respond like and how you would interact with him. You did a great job by offering the information and ending with a compliment.
I don’t blame you for wanting a “thank you” from him. You are doing a great job by not responding any further. This is a good time for you to take a step back and see what kind of person he is and if he treats you in a way you really want to be treated (like saying thank you). Just keep watching and waiting. It was great that he reached out! You gave him space and it caused him to reach out and test the waters. So it worked. Stay grounded in your purpose and keep your distance and just keep watching what happens. It’s a great time for you to really evaluate your relationship with him!
THoughts?
Heidi
Hi Antoinette!
Thank you for sharing your story!
You didn’t do anything wrong here. That’s the first thing I want to clear up. You were just being you and asking. It obviously triggered something in him to cause him to run the other direction, but that is HIS problem, not yours. I wouldn’t call it “needy” what you did. I would imagine, at the very worst, just made him feel like you were questioning his character. If he is THAT sensitive and isn’t able to work through it, you don’t want him anyways. He ghosted. You don’t want a guy who cannot communicate how he is feeling, whether upset, offended or disgruntled. He needs to be an adult and use his voice vs. disappearing. Again, that is HIS problem, not yours.
The answer to all of your questions is not what you probably want to hear. The answer is: it doesn’t matter. And here is why….he is not ready for you. You have a certain need for him to be at a certain place spiritually for you to feel comfortable talking with him. You cannot expect him to be a man of his word or not expect that, because you hardly know him. You apologized and did what you could to try to remedy the situation and that’s that. There is nothing more you can do. Who knows why he isn’t responding. You may never know. But truth is, that’s all the information you need anyways. The fact that he didn’t respond, the fact that he ghosted, gives you enough information about the kind of guy he could be. Maybe someday he will reach out and explain what happened. But until that point, it’s important for you to close the door to him. He hasn’t treated you with much respect by disappearing. Let go of the idea of him, let go of what happened and keep moving forward. If your paths cross again, then you can deal with it in that moment. If they don’t cross again, you will have moved on with your life and it won’t even matter.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Do you know why he ended his affair? How do you know he is still “in love” with her?
Maybe stop asking for hugs? When you ask him for affection, it’s not something that is authentic and coming from him really wanting to give you a hug. The more you reach for connection with him, the more he may feel you are “needy.” There is an aspect here where you are missing respect for yourself and men don’t respond well to that. People in general don’t respond well to that. If you don’t have respect for yourself, another person won’t have respect for you. You are the one that sets the standard as to how you are treated. So your husband went off to have an affair because he didn’t like his life and you are there, with open arms, wanting to connect and be together. You want to work on your relationship with him, while he doesn’t. He actually might respond better to you being stronger in who you are. He might have more feelings for you, if he felt your self love and respect.
Everything you have mentioned here is about HIM and how you understand he needs to grieve the loss the of his affair. Where is your grieving? Where are your feelings about your husband having an affair? Where are your feelings about your marriage falling apart?
Again, even if he does come back to you and connect, it doesn’t change there are fundamental challenges in your relationship that unless you guys address, you both will continue to hurt and be hurt. So what’s the plan here? You get him back and then what? How are you going to make changes? How is he going to make changes so this doesn’t happen again?Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I too am confused. It sounds like he is confused as well. He obviously is still connected with you and has feelings for you. He did initiate contact. So I would say to stay low right now. If he can feel his life without you in it, it could very possibly draw him back to you. However, I would also get very clear about what you want here.
There is an aspect here where he won’t respect you without you setting some boundaries for yourself. For you to just take him back, because you love him, without any sort of boundaries of him needing to “work” for you again, means that you don’t care that he just up and bailed and ran into another girl’s arms. He broke the trust you guys have established with each other. If it’s too easy for him to come back, there is an aspect where he will know he can do whatever the heck he wants and you will waiting at the doorstep with open arms inviting him back in. He needs to feel your strength.
So let’s say he is ready to come back and work on the relationship. What do you need from him for that to happen?
Heidi
Hi Elvira,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is so tough to lose your partner, your love, your friend.
For right now, friendship isn’t possible. You guys have 7 years of romance and a love for each other. In order to be friends, it’s going to take a LONG time before that can happen. There just is so much feeling that needs to be healed first, before friendship can enter the picture.
As far as your party, I would let go of the idea of him being there. I would let everyone know BEFORE the party, that you guys have broken up. That way, your party can be about you just being you, and not having to worry about explaining everything and crying. You can simply send an email to everyone saying “J and I have broken up. I’m not sure what happened. When you come to my party, please honor that I wish to keep it a fun time. I don’t want to talk about him or what happened. I just want to make it through that evening without crying. I need all of your help to just have some fun right now. It is much needed!”
I am wondering if there is something going on for J. It’s a strange thing to just end the relationship after 7 years from just 1 argument. So basically, you guys have only argued 2x in the 7 years you were together? That is also quite unusual. I am wondering if something has been festering inside of him for awhile and the argument just triggered it and solidified something he has been feeling. Looking back, did you notice any changes in his behavior? Were you guy still being intimate or did that change? Were you guys still laughing a lot together and being affectionate with each other?
Heidi
