Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Valerie,
I am soooo so sorry! Was this a sudden passing or was it long approach to this moment? Man, losing someone you love is so difficult and taps into a level of pain that exists only when death is present. I’m glad you have family to go through this with. I’m really sad that your guy has disappeared. I know that many times, people are so uncomfortable with death and feel so powerless to help, that they end up just disappearing and giving the person a lot of space. I wonder if that is what he is doing. He may feel lost in a way to help you. He also may be responding in a way that he would want to be treated. I don’t know if he has ever lost anyone before, but he may be the type to hibernate and just want to be left alone.
If you feel like it, and of course this is not necessary, you could always reach out and say something like, “Still having a hard time with the loss of my uncle. Your smile and laughter would be some great medicine for my soul right now. Would love to hear your voice.”
Just a thought, but obviously this is not necessary as you need to take care of yourself right now.Heidi
Hi Maria,
So if you don’t tolerate it on any level, then what does this mean about your relationship?
If there is a level of sex addiction, then what does this mean for you? He will always be cheating on some level because he will always be seeking that physical arousal from other women. It sounds like you understand this topic well considering you also went through it with your ex.
So I’m curious, now what? Is this something you are going to choose to tolerate? If yes, how are you going to find a space of peace in your relationship? If no, then are you ready to let him go?
Heidi
I get it!
What if you support him indirectly. You are doing great by just letting him feel how he feels and being a good listening ear. What if you also added in articles that send him that talk about things of this nature…documentaries you can watch together….maybe finding a group on meetup or finding a support group that he may be interested in.
He has a lot to process and it sounds like he is just sooooo full of stuff inside, that he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything that you add on top of that, therefore ending in an argument. I’m wondering if there is a way to get “outside” help / advice and guidance. If he can hear things from an objective voice or someone who has been through the same thing, he might not feel so alone, he might start to feel more hope and find more of himself again.
Also, if you want to share how you approach something you need to talk with him about, we might be able to offer you some ideas of how to approach him differently, so as to avoid arguments….
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I’m glad to hear this! It’s not easy, that’s for sure! But who you are, how you treat yourself and those around you, in the midst of your pain, is what really matters. Well done! I have a lot of respect for you!Feel free to come on here and vent and express your frustrations! We are a resource for you!
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
it’s possible that his eye contact means he is dealing with shame on some level and not wanting to look into your eyes because he feels guilty. It’s possible he is dealing with a lot internally and emotionally and he doesn’t want you to see that. The eyes are the window to the soul right? No matter the reason, it usually means someone is trying to hide on some level.
Have you ever asked him this?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
My best guess is that he has some level of a sexual addiction. There are many levels of intensity to addiction of course, but when it starts to affect the relationship, then that’s when it becomes a problem to discuss. My guess is also, if he knows this about himself on some level, he would not want a therapist to hold him accountable to it nor see him for who he really is. Either way, if this is a daily practice of his, there is addiction happening.
I understand your resentment. It’s impossible to be in a relationship where you are willing to work on yourself and have accountability, but the other person is not doing the same.
I have to be honest here. You basically have 2 choices. Stay and accept him for who he is, or leave. He is not the type to grow, nor submit himself to anyone. He is willing to say “I’m sorry” and recognize his mistakes, but he is not willing to look at the “why” behind his choices. When someone is not willing to go there, it first means the odds of him cheating again are pretty high and second it means that he will just continue to get worse as he ages. Imagine that he is carrying 1,000 pounds on his shoulders. And each year, it gets heavier and heavier because he is getting tired and more life traumas keep adding to the pile. If he is not willing to get help to make the load smaller, it just will continue to build and his system will break down. Does that make sense?
You cannot change him. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you are going to accept this relationship, it means that is not willing to grow and learn to the same levels you are. It means that he has some level of addiction to seeing women naked and it means that those and other life choices he makes will continue forever, until he decides he is in enough pain to do something about it….which may happen…or may not…you just never know. So because you just never know, your job is to accept him for who he is today. If he were to stay exactly like this for the rest of his life, is this a relationship you would choose to participate in?? If yes, then great! You can work on forgiveness, you can work on loving him for who he is and not how you want him to be. If no, then you can work on accepting who he is and realizing it doesn’t match the kind of relationship you are interested in having.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lola,
That makes me sad that you don’t have time for your own feelings, yet you have time to forgive him, comfort him and help make HIM feel better, all the while you are last on the list. I imagine this is a pattern of yours….everyone else matters and you don’t, so you will deal with yourself later. This would be one aspect that would need to shift if your relationship is going to work.
Trying to get someone to go to counseling is very difficult. Something in them needs to WANT to change. Many times, it’s someone being in enough pain and misery that they will do ANYTHING to fix it…or for others, they know they need help and are willing to face themselves.
I suggest for YOU to start going to counseling. I think that might be the best way. This way, you get to have 1 hour, all to yourself, venting and feeling what you need to feel and having someone coach you through the process and teach you new things about yourself and your relationship. THEN…when you come home and you have short conversations with him, you can share some things like, “Working with my therapist, I realized how much I contributed to where we are right now. I saw how some of what I have done contributed to you looking elsewhere. I am sorry about that and I am working on it.” So as you share your journey and take responsibility for who you are, then maybe he will follow your lead and realize it isn’t so terrible to get help. You need help. You are in the danger zone of getting sick or something happening because you are so exhausted. If your husband said yes to counseling, you would find 1 hour in your week to make that happen. Being that it isn’t an option right now, take that 1 hour for yourself. You desperately need some help!!!! You should be exhausted as you are doing everything. Does your husband help at all? Is there anything he can do to help lighten the load a little?Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Drop it. DO NOT text that. It would have been something you may have gotten away with in the moment, but by now, it will only come across as you harboring resentment. The fact that you are still thinking about it just tells me you are holding onto this and you are wanting him to fix this for you by appreciating you. Is this a common pattern between you guys? Do you often feel like he doesn’t appreciate your help? I am wondering why this is such a big deal for you…..there must be history with this pattern between you guys.
And yes, wait another week and DO NOT initiate. The ball is in his court right now.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
No, you don’t need to lie. However, you also don’t need to answer. Just because he is asking a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer. Let’s be REALLY honest here….how can he NOT have these feelings? I’m sure a part of you wanted this situation to happen so you could see how he would respond….and I sure don’t blame him for saying, “why are you texting me this?” and that is a good question. A part of you set up the situation because you are wanting to connect.
Do you not have any close friends? Whatever you are frustrated about, that’s something you can talk to your girlfriends about, you don’t need to text him at 4am about something like this.You did however, accomplish what you wanted. You got a reaction from him and it sounds like more truth came out about the situation.
I want to ask you this….do you understand what he means when he says he wants to feel like he misses you even in the relationship? What did you learn from the conversation?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
This is wonderful to hear!!!! I’m glad you are having a completely different experience here. And wow! I can’t believe you talked about STD testing! NO ONE does that! It’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss for most people so they just hop right into bed and avoid the conversation. With the amount of HPV and Herpes floating around our population, it’s so crucial to discuss this. Again, well done!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing your story! I am soooo so sorry for all you have been through. For both of you to be diagnosed with cancer is beyond difficult!!! How are you doing? How is he doing?
I just have a few questions for clarification:
1. Did he cheat on you? Is that the big man mistake you are referring to? Was it just once or did he have an affair? Did you confront him? What happened?2. What is the current status of your relationship?
3. When were / are you supposed to get married?
Heidi
Hello again,
The truth is, it doesn’t matter if he understand or not. He is just upset and he has to deal with not getting what he wants all the time. He is being manipulate and trying throw the guilt on you, make you the bad and wrong person, all so he can get what he wants. When someone is being manipulate like that with me, I just don’t participate. You wanting to fix him and help him feel better by trying to help him understand…that’s you participating in the game he is playing. So for me, I just offer kindness and validation and then I let it go and let them deal with their emotions. I would say something like this: “Listen…I am really sorry that I am not being flexible this time around. I get that it’s frustrating. I’m more than willing to be flexible next weekend if that is helpful for you….let me know!”
And just leave it at that….DO NOT head into trying to explain or defend your choice. But you validating how he feels could possibly ease him a bit and maybe giving him an extra day on another weekend….
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I want to encourage you to NOT wait until you feel indifferent. This is about you making a conscious choice about the kind of person you want to be in the world and the kind of role model you want to be. I personally do not want to live with resentment or anger or bitterness in my heart. They are powerful, toxic emotions and the only person it hurts, is me….either through getting sick or those feelings occupying my thoughts and emotions and stealing energy away from me that causes me to shrink. I would rather be filled with love that expands me and those around me. So…even in the middle of my anger and bitterness, I am choosing forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that I FEEL forgiveness…..what I am doing is programming myself to be the person I want to be. So I am making a conscious statement that I WILL FORIGVE no matter what. Every time I make that statement, regardless of how I feel, it gets me one step closer to feeling that forgiveness and healing from the hurt. It’s a “fake it until you make it” kind of concept.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
