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Hi Alexa,
The reason you are having a hard time getting over this, is because of what was triggered inside of you, not because it’s him. You feel rejected and you keep going over the situations in your life because YOU rejected you first. The moment you don’t speak up for yourself, the moment you accept someone getting irritated easily with you, the moment you chose to stay with a guy you didn’t feel comfortable talking to….that’s you rejecting you. You didn’t listen to your needs, you didn’t honor how you were feeling. He was who he was and you chose to accept that, at the expense of yourself. So this is not about him rejecting you. It’s about you abandoning yourself. There is something in you trying to get the attention of a man even if it meant hurting yourself. So what is happening for you that you would choose that design?
Of course you want to be someone who is kind and considerate, but again, you need to be this to yourself FIRST. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and when you have a very strong connection to yourself and standards of how you are treated (that are NOT negotiable), then they guys who do not align with your standards will not stick. The ones who do, will just enhance your life.
The challenge here is (and this is a challenge for many, many women) you have to be willing to choose yourself over the guy, if he does not meet your standards. You can have crazy chemistry with the guy, but if he is being flaky or emotionally unavailable, or easily annoyed, you have to be willing to let go of that chemistry and connection…and that’s where most women get tripped up. The desire for connection with a man is so strong, they can forget about themselves.
So….the place to start here for you, is to connect to yourself and figure out the core reasons why you chose to stay with a guy who made you feel so much anxiety, rejected and was easily annoyed with you?
Heidi
Hi Kylie,
I understand you are scared. You are scared either direction you go. If you stay silent, you are scared about your future, if you talk to him, you are scared about an argument or losing him.
You are at a point now though, where you need some answers. He is not aware of the point you are at and it’s time for him to know. He knows that he can just keep you very close, but not have sex. He knows that he can avoid the conversation by either not answering you or just having an argument about it. He knows you won’t do anything about it. Of course he is extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing. What guy wouldn’t be? If he claims he was very active sexually in his past relationships and he is not with you, then it’s time to figure this out. He cannot expect you to build a future with him and not face this challenge that he has. He needs to talk to someone. Whether it’s a doctor (although it doesn’t sound like there are physical issues going on) or a sex therapist. The sex therapist should be able to help him identify the root cause of what is happening for him emotionally and even help him deal with being cheated on in his past.
Kanya was accurate. I’m not advocating full acceptance or ultimatum. My apologies to come across that way! I can see why you thought that. My guidance is to start to head in either direction. Right now, you are sitting on the fence and scared. I would like to invite you to get off the fence and make your feelings known. He has no idea how you REALLY feel. He has no idea the point you have gotten to.
When you do have that conversation, you don’t leave without information and you don’t leave without having some action steps and an agreement. It’s CRUCIAL for you to get very clear about what EXACTLY you want from him.
You can say something like this: “I love you. I want to keep spending my days with you. I want to keep laughing with you and I want to keep moving forward with our relationship. You are my best friend. It’s time for me to be completely honest though. As much as I love you and want to be with you forever, I am very uncertain about our future. Whatever it is that you are afraid of and whatever it is that causes you to avoid me or get in arguments with me about sex, it’s time to face it. I am at a place now where it’s time to either fight for this area of our relationship or if that’s not what you want, then I have some things to think about. So what I am requesting from you, is that you get some help. I don’t need you to talk to me about this, but I do need to know you are taking some sort of action to understand this part of yourself better. Whether you start by going to a medical doctor or start seeing a sex therapist, I need to know you are taking some type of action towards resolving this for yourself. I will tell you this….I will not build a future with someone who is not willing to face their fears. I will not spend my life with the man I love and not have physical intimacy. I have all the patience in the world, but I need to know you are taking some sort of action to resolve whatever is happening for you and I need that action to start now. I need to know you are willing to do what is very uncomfortable for you, so you can heal. I have spent 3 years being uncomfortable and having strong desires for you, but always respecting your wishes, because you are worth it. You are leaving in 6 months and I want to feel solid in “us” before that time. Forget about the future and let’s just focus on right now. Are you willing to face this and do something about it?”
You don’t want to leave the conversation without getting an action plan. It needs to be more than an agreement to work on it. You need to have an agreement about the EXACT next steps like “okay…we agree that you are going to make an appointment with the doctor this week.”
The past conversations you have had all along where you are asking him why? and what is happening? make him feel powerless because he doesn’t have any of the answers. This conversation needs to be about YOU being honest and not asking him for answers. You are asking him to take some action towards resolving this because you cannot build a future without hearing the words “I love you” or being wanted by him. You want physical intimacy.
If he says no to taking some action, then that is information you need to know about him and you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to make.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Alla!
I am so sorry for all that you are going through! What a confusing situation for sure! We can speculate all we want, but he is the only one who truly knows what is happening for him. And sometimes, people don’t know why they make the decisions they do, they just know they are afraid.
Here is the VERY HARD truth. Love is not enough. Love is important, but there are so many other emotions that many times, become much bigger than love and they win. In your situation, his fear is bigger than his love. So whether or not he loves you, is not the issue. This is about him choosing to face his fear….or not. And right now, he is not willing to face that fear. It is GIANT and when it’s that big….it freezes people. My guess is, once he quite his job and the reality of his choice was right in front of him, it activated this fear and caused him to run the other direction.
This is not about you fighting for him. HE NEEDS TO FIGHT FOR HIMSELF! You can fight all you want, but it won’t change the fear that he is feeling. He needs to face his fear all on his own and no one or nothing can make him do that. Losing you might inspire him.
My suggestion is to not write him for a period of time. He knows you will always contact him. He can feel a sense of security in that, so if you stop initiating, it might trigger in him that he is actually losing you and he might make contact on his own. I don’t know. Either way, this is not about you saying or doing anything specific to change his mind. It is not that simple. He has a lot of hurt and HUGE fear that he needs to deal with on his own. I know many people who choose to live their entire lives this way. Some people end up facing their fears at some point. You just never know.
This is about YOU deciding how to heal and move forward with your life. It doesn’t mean that he won’t come around later. It just means you are choosing to accept his choice to let fear be in control of his life and that you will not participate with that design anymore. Y
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
Still send it! Just because it is late, doesn’t mean you still can’t send it! You can just send a voice message and sing him a little happy birthday song and then say, “I have a little something for you, but it arrived late. I put it in the mail today, so it’s on it’s way to you now. My wish for you is to feel super well loved and appreciated for your life. You deserve every bit of that! Have a good day!”
Just keep it simple, sweet and light and fun.
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
Thank you for sharing your story!
You are in a really tough situation. If he isn’t willing to listen to your thoughts and experiences, it means he isn’t ready to really embrace, accept and deal with whatever is happening. My guess is, it could be so much deeper than his ex. He most likely is full of all kinds of past hurts that he hasn’t released, beyond his ex. So even if he were to admit to still having troubles with his, it doesn’t mean that resolving his feelings about her, will change anything. If his coping mechanism is to bury his feelings, that means he most likely has a TON of buried feelings. This make sense because he has wonderful words to say, but he is missing the “feeling.” That is someone who doesn’t feel safe emotionally.
It’s even more difficult because you guys are long distance. It doesn’t allow for the daily interactions of touch, intimacy, building memories together etc. So how close you guys get will always be limited. Do you have plans to move closer together at some point?
I’m curious…from your question, is seems like you are most interested in helping him with his job. Do you feel he cannot help himself? What exactly do you want to help him with?
What is keeping you connected to this guy who is emotionally unavailable? Is it that you keep hoping that over time he will change?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
I think it’s a great idea to send him that book. Just write a simple note and say “I saw this a few months ago and thought of you. I hope you enjoy it! I truly celebrate your life, as it made mine better. Happy birthday!”
Simple, sweet and it shows you are not angry and just leave it at that.
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Of course this is difficult. You want more. You want a man who WANTS to see you. So I want to turn this around with focus on you. What makes you want to keep fighting for a guy you barely know and who is showing so little interest in you? You are wondering, what is the point of him texting you every once in awhile if he doesn’t want to see you?
Can you let him go? What if you started going on dates and continue your life as if it doesn’t depend on what he does or how he feels? Let go of how this thing turns out between you guys and just enjoy when he connects and leave it at that. It seems like you are holding on for dear life to this guy, when truth be told, you barely know him. If you let go and stop trying to figure everything out, then you can just enjoy his company when he does connect and maybe at some point he will come back closer again and you can start to get to know him again.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly!
Welcome to the forum! This is a great question! It’s always really important to have a good financial plan. How you structure who pays each bill, depends on how much money you make and how much he makes. Have you guys ever sat down with each other and discussed this? You need to create a budget together and make an agreement of who pays what. It sounds like you haven’t quite done that yet. And you need to start saving money for your child as well. There always needs to be an emergency fund and a college fund etc. It’s always advisable to spend some money to maybe work with a financial advisor on something like this. Or you can go through a course about how to create a budget for your family.
Have you tried any of those options?
Heidi
It’s supposed to be exhausting, because it’s not how relationships are meant to function. You picked a man who wants YOU to fix him and won’t take responsibility for himself. That means, it’s going to be an exhausting relationship for you on many levels. It’s a lot of work.
Hi Kylie,
Wow….this is an interesting situation.
Do you guys ever kiss passionately? The one time you did have sex, was it able to happen? His equipment worked well? During foreplay, is he having a physical response and does he seem to enjoy it?
So for the most part, you guys enjoy each other’s company completely, but you exist as friends…correct? Is there any hand holding, is there any kissing? It sounds like there is some flirting, but not much.
The truth is….you do have some big red flags to deal with. It’s been 2 years and you guys have created a WONDERFUL friendship! Yet he won’t go any further than where you guys are at right now and he is not willing to talk about it.
It’s impossible to not come across as nagging, lecturing or giving an ultimatum. When you are dealing with someone who won’t talk about something that has a lot of meaning for you, then you have a choice to make.
This is not the kind of situation where you need to say or do something different to all of a sudden make him want to have sex with you or build a family with you. It’s been 2 years and you are starving. He is not someone who will communicate with you. Imagine having children with him! There are all kinds of problems with children and you need a partner who is open and connective and willing to work THROUGH things with you vs. being avoidant. As a parent, you would be left all alone to deal with so many things.
It’s time for you to be honest with him. If he doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine, but he can listen. It’s time for you to let him know how serious this is for you. You can say something like, “It’s been 2 years. We are best friends, we have built so many memories together and have so much fun together. I want the intimacy. I have tried every possible way to get you to talk about what is going on with you, but it either ends in an argument or somehow gets avoided. I want my partner to want to build a life with me and want to fall madly in love with me. I am now at a place where I am ready to leave. I will not spend my life without these things. That’s how serious this is and I feel like it’s only fair that I let you know this. I am more than willing to work on this WITH you as you are the most amazing man I know. But you have to willing to be honest with me and work on this with me too. I can’t make you do that of course and I wouldn’t even want to. This needs to be resolved in one way or the other, before you leave. I’m going to leave now and give you space to think about this.”
The thing is Kylie, there is something really “off” about what is happening. He really could be gay (and won’t even admit it to himself), he could have a physical problem, he could have some traumatic sexual memories that he is aware of or isn’t aware of that is affecting him….you just never know. Either way….this is something he HAS to face if he is going to move forward with this relationship.
This is about you fighting for yourself to get your needs met. If a man doesn’t want to join you on that journey, for whatever reason, then it’s time to separate.
I know you wanted a more subtle approach and wanted certain things you could do to maybe inspire this out of him, but it’s time for you to just be very direct.
If you are not willing to let go of this relationship even though he won’t change, then you need to accept that this is who he is and deserves to be loved for exactly who he is. You will have to let go of your ideas of having a family, having sex, hearing I love you…and enjoy just being best friends. This is what he is asking and expecting you to do. So again, your choice is to be direct and honest and say that isn’t going to work anymore or you don’t say anything and maybe someday he will change, maybe he won’t….but you will love him and stand by his side regardless.
Thoughts?
Hi Sharon!
This is all such wonderful information! Thank you for sharing all of this!
First, I want to take you even deeper. Where does this scarcity belief come from? Who says there isn’t enough good men?
Second, there is another lie you are giving so much authority. You believe that if a man leaves, it’s because YOU have done something wrong. A response that is full of truth would be: “It didn’t work out because we were just not a good match.” This is one of the core negative beliefs you have about yourself and what is DRIVING you to try to be “perfect” and “win” a man. This is exhausting because it’s impossible! This negative belief was also learned along the way. Do you know who role modeled this for you? Maybe you were blamed a lot while growing up?
What kinds of self love / work etc. have you done? Who have you learned from? have you ever worked SERIOUSLY with a coach or therapist to get to the root of all of this?
I am wondering why you have chosen polyamory in the first place. What about it, attracted you? Of course it’s exhausting! But it really depends on the personality you have as well. You have to consider what level of depth you truly want. For some people, their level of depth is not even scratching the surface for me. So they will be happy with and attract partners to match their level of depth. So the determining factor here for you, is how deep do you want to go with yourself? That will determine the level of depth you will attract in a partnership.
When you were celibate for that year, what was your depression about? Why did you make that choice? Why do you think it was having sex with your friend that started to pull you out of the depression?
Heidi
Hi Maria!
Well done! You handled your own situation in such a wonderful and healthy way! You seriously get a gazillion gold stars!!!!
I first want to talk about a core difference between men and women. The core of who a man is, is his ability to produce. He NEEDS to produce and make something, in order to feel good about himself. For women, it’s all about connection. The core of who we are is founded on our abilities to have good relationships. This is why you were able to talk to him about your process, you reached out to a therapist and other women to get through it….it was all about you CONNECTING to yourself and others for your healing. That is something very instinctive for most women. It’s a completely different ballgame for men. This not their instinct. It goes against the grain actually. If a man needs help, it reflects on his ability to produce on his own…so a lot of men who are really tied to their ego and “manliness” through external means….would have an INCREDIBLE challenge to ask for help from another man. You are about as close as he is going to get to asking for help at this point.
You don’t want to directly ask him about articles or support groups. It will most likely make him shut down. What you want to do is to “accidentally” leave an article you are reading about men recovering (or something of that nature) on the counter where he will see it. You want to “accidentally” leave a webpage up on your computer about this topic so maybe he will see it. It’s an indirect way to expose him to the information which will allow him to become interested himself vs. feeling pressure from you. If he asks you what you are doing, you can just say, “Look. I understand what you are going through on many levels as I had my own experience. But I am a woman. Men experience things differently. I know it’s difficult for you to talk about it, so I am just doing my own research so I can understand better. That’s all. I hope you don’t mind.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Thank you for more details! Is that normal for you to cry a lot? When you say you are sensitive, does that mean you feel things intensely all the time? Like you can feel someone’s hurt or joy? How does your sensitivity show up for you?
With everything he is dealing with, I can see why your tears would cause him to step away. He is already dealing with so much. Most men (and people) for that matter, are really uncomfortable with someone crying. It can be quite the feeling of powerlessness for him to try to set some boundaries and create some personal space for himself, only to have you start crying. It’s okay though! There are things we can try.
First of all, when you guys text every week, who initiates? During your texts, are you still the one asking most of the questions, or does he show interest in you as well?
You can start by creating a bit of distance and showing a little less interest. It allows him the space to feel like he misses you. You can also tell him about the wonderful things you are doing in your life, so he knows that you are not falling apart without him. That’s very important!!!!
Let’s just start with that and see how it goes. Let me know what you think about it!
Heidi
Hi Shinthuga!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have to say….wow! I have an incredible amount of respect for you! The path you have taken for educating yourself and being honest is soooooo unusual! STDs are a topic most everyone steers away from and that is one of the main reasons why it’s so wide spread! Herpes and HPV are the 2 most common and anywhere from 25 to 30% are carriers! That’s a TON of people! That’s about 1 person out of every 4 you meet. There definitely is a stigma and a lot of embarrassment around STDs, but I am soooo so glad you took control of the situation, recognized you weren’t resolved about it and did something about it! And yes…it isn’t a big deal. It is just a skin condition and something that is easily manageable and at the most, an inconvenience, but nothing to be afraid of.
I am wondering if it means more to this guy beyond the herpes. Is he religious at all? Or part of any particular spiritual practice? I have heard guys say before, that the herpes is just a reminder that their girl has been sexual with another man and they can’t stand the thought of that. Of course it’s not rational, but it IS a very real feeling. Maybe this is part of the equation as well???
If you decide to approach the subject again with this guy, you can say something like “Hey. I realized after you decided to discontinue dating me because of the herpes, that I had never faced it about myself. I felt awful and embarrassed, so I decided to work on that. I went to a few support groups and I became very educated about all the aspects of herpes and how it affects me and any partners. I learned that it really is not a big deal. It is easily manageable and there are ways to protect your partner. Most of all, I am at peace now about it. I just wanted to share this with you, as when we talked about it, I wasn’t very educated and because of that, may have deterred you. I truly enjoyed getting to know you and would love for that to continue I know you still may not be able to get past this, but if you can at least be open to meet just for coffee, it would make my day. If not, that’s okay too. I will respect your choice.”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your situation here. Let’s see if we can help you figure some things out.
If I understand correctly, he is feeling like he needs more space. He feels like you are “needy” and that is the main problem here….is that correct?
It definitely is a strong reaction for you to cry when he tells you he doesn’t want to talk or hang out. What’s going on with how you are feeling? What are your tears about?
It also sounds like you ask a lot of questions and want to talk a lot and it’s overwhelming for him. Is that accurate? But it doesn’t sound like that is how it was in the beginning. I’m wondering if school ending, you leaving and he is having some challenges facing his life…that a relationship feels like too much work for him. Do you think this could also be contributing to how he is responding?
Heidi
