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Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
Great job with your English! I understood everything!!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s very difficult. My first question is, are you guys not together now? Have you been broken up? Are you still talking?
It sounds like he really needs to get his life figured out. Until he gets himself settled, he will not be available for you. For a man, his success at work is sooooooo important. It sounds like he just feels like a complete failure and then to deal with you, where he feels like a failure (forgetting your birthday, not giving you enough attention etc.) is just a lot. It does sound like you both still have feelings for each other, but that he is just not ready right now.
Can you guys just be friends? What if you stayed in contact and you guys just kept talking and occasionally visiting each other, without getting very serious? I’m not sure this is possible, but having a deep and committed relationship is not possible. So you need to find a different scenario that works for you guys.
Understand he is going to forget things like your birthday. When he is under this much stress, he is in survival mode and spending all of his energy trying to make something work. You will be at the bottom of the list. So maybe you guys just agree to talk in 3 months?
I think it’s important for you to get realistic about what he can offer. And then you have to decide if that is enough for you.Once you decide what is okay for you, THEN you can decide whether you should go visit him…..with the understanding that he doesn’t have much to offer right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
it’s possible that his eye contact means he is dealing with shame on some level and not wanting to look into your eyes because he feels guilty. It’s possible he is dealing with a lot internally and emotionally and he doesn’t want you to see that. The eyes are the window to the soul right? No matter the reason, it usually means someone is trying to hide on some level.
Have you ever asked him this?
Heidi
Hi Maria,
My best guess is that he has some level of a sexual addiction. There are many levels of intensity to addiction of course, but when it starts to affect the relationship, then that’s when it becomes a problem to discuss. My guess is also, if he knows this about himself on some level, he would not want a therapist to hold him accountable to it nor see him for who he really is. Either way, if this is a daily practice of his, there is addiction happening.
I understand your resentment. It’s impossible to be in a relationship where you are willing to work on yourself and have accountability, but the other person is not doing the same.
I have to be honest here. You basically have 2 choices. Stay and accept him for who he is, or leave. He is not the type to grow, nor submit himself to anyone. He is willing to say “I’m sorry” and recognize his mistakes, but he is not willing to look at the “why” behind his choices. When someone is not willing to go there, it first means the odds of him cheating again are pretty high and second it means that he will just continue to get worse as he ages. Imagine that he is carrying 1,000 pounds on his shoulders. And each year, it gets heavier and heavier because he is getting tired and more life traumas keep adding to the pile. If he is not willing to get help to make the load smaller, it just will continue to build and his system will break down. Does that make sense?
You cannot change him. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. If you are going to accept this relationship, it means that is not willing to grow and learn to the same levels you are. It means that he has some level of addiction to seeing women naked and it means that those and other life choices he makes will continue forever, until he decides he is in enough pain to do something about it….which may happen…or may not…you just never know. So because you just never know, your job is to accept him for who he is today. If he were to stay exactly like this for the rest of his life, is this a relationship you would choose to participate in?? If yes, then great! You can work on forgiveness, you can work on loving him for who he is and not how you want him to be. If no, then you can work on accepting who he is and realizing it doesn’t match the kind of relationship you are interested in having.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lola,
That makes me sad that you don’t have time for your own feelings, yet you have time to forgive him, comfort him and help make HIM feel better, all the while you are last on the list. I imagine this is a pattern of yours….everyone else matters and you don’t, so you will deal with yourself later. This would be one aspect that would need to shift if your relationship is going to work.
Trying to get someone to go to counseling is very difficult. Something in them needs to WANT to change. Many times, it’s someone being in enough pain and misery that they will do ANYTHING to fix it…or for others, they know they need help and are willing to face themselves.
I suggest for YOU to start going to counseling. I think that might be the best way. This way, you get to have 1 hour, all to yourself, venting and feeling what you need to feel and having someone coach you through the process and teach you new things about yourself and your relationship. THEN…when you come home and you have short conversations with him, you can share some things like, “Working with my therapist, I realized how much I contributed to where we are right now. I saw how some of what I have done contributed to you looking elsewhere. I am sorry about that and I am working on it.” So as you share your journey and take responsibility for who you are, then maybe he will follow your lead and realize it isn’t so terrible to get help. You need help. You are in the danger zone of getting sick or something happening because you are so exhausted. If your husband said yes to counseling, you would find 1 hour in your week to make that happen. Being that it isn’t an option right now, take that 1 hour for yourself. You desperately need some help!!!! You should be exhausted as you are doing everything. Does your husband help at all? Is there anything he can do to help lighten the load a little?Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Drop it. DO NOT text that. It would have been something you may have gotten away with in the moment, but by now, it will only come across as you harboring resentment. The fact that you are still thinking about it just tells me you are holding onto this and you are wanting him to fix this for you by appreciating you. Is this a common pattern between you guys? Do you often feel like he doesn’t appreciate your help? I am wondering why this is such a big deal for you…..there must be history with this pattern between you guys.
And yes, wait another week and DO NOT initiate. The ball is in his court right now.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
No, you don’t need to lie. However, you also don’t need to answer. Just because he is asking a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer. Let’s be REALLY honest here….how can he NOT have these feelings? I’m sure a part of you wanted this situation to happen so you could see how he would respond….and I sure don’t blame him for saying, “why are you texting me this?” and that is a good question. A part of you set up the situation because you are wanting to connect.
Do you not have any close friends? Whatever you are frustrated about, that’s something you can talk to your girlfriends about, you don’t need to text him at 4am about something like this.You did however, accomplish what you wanted. You got a reaction from him and it sounds like more truth came out about the situation.
I want to ask you this….do you understand what he means when he says he wants to feel like he misses you even in the relationship? What did you learn from the conversation?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
This is wonderful to hear!!!! I’m glad you are having a completely different experience here. And wow! I can’t believe you talked about STD testing! NO ONE does that! It’s such an uncomfortable topic to discuss for most people so they just hop right into bed and avoid the conversation. With the amount of HPV and Herpes floating around our population, it’s so crucial to discuss this. Again, well done!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing your story! I am soooo so sorry for all you have been through. For both of you to be diagnosed with cancer is beyond difficult!!! How are you doing? How is he doing?
I just have a few questions for clarification:
1. Did he cheat on you? Is that the big man mistake you are referring to? Was it just once or did he have an affair? Did you confront him? What happened?2. What is the current status of your relationship?
3. When were / are you supposed to get married?
Heidi
Hello again,
The truth is, it doesn’t matter if he understand or not. He is just upset and he has to deal with not getting what he wants all the time. He is being manipulate and trying throw the guilt on you, make you the bad and wrong person, all so he can get what he wants. When someone is being manipulate like that with me, I just don’t participate. You wanting to fix him and help him feel better by trying to help him understand…that’s you participating in the game he is playing. So for me, I just offer kindness and validation and then I let it go and let them deal with their emotions. I would say something like this: “Listen…I am really sorry that I am not being flexible this time around. I get that it’s frustrating. I’m more than willing to be flexible next weekend if that is helpful for you….let me know!”
And just leave it at that….DO NOT head into trying to explain or defend your choice. But you validating how he feels could possibly ease him a bit and maybe giving him an extra day on another weekend….
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
I want to encourage you to NOT wait until you feel indifferent. This is about you making a conscious choice about the kind of person you want to be in the world and the kind of role model you want to be. I personally do not want to live with resentment or anger or bitterness in my heart. They are powerful, toxic emotions and the only person it hurts, is me….either through getting sick or those feelings occupying my thoughts and emotions and stealing energy away from me that causes me to shrink. I would rather be filled with love that expands me and those around me. So…even in the middle of my anger and bitterness, I am choosing forgiveness. It doesn’t mean that I FEEL forgiveness…..what I am doing is programming myself to be the person I want to be. So I am making a conscious statement that I WILL FORIGVE no matter what. Every time I make that statement, regardless of how I feel, it gets me one step closer to feeling that forgiveness and healing from the hurt. It’s a “fake it until you make it” kind of concept.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Priscilla,
Well done! There is always so much to learn through toxic relationships and those are the gifts. He has shown you who you are not. He has shown you how you want to be treated differently and now you are going to fight for that in the future and not settle, as the price is very high to pay! Anytime you feel that resentment, follow that thought and feeling with the statement, “AND I choose to forgive him.” It can help make the process go faster. Resentment is a pretty powerful, toxic emotion so it’s important for you to deal with is quickly and not allow it to settle into your system.
Heidi
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your question! It’s actually a very good question!
First, it’s important to understand that you cannot make anyone love you. Love is sooooo dynamic and layered and full of all kinds of fears and beliefs and challenges. Love is a risk. Some people, no matter how happy they are with someone, will not risk. My point being, you never know what someone will do as they start to connect with someone. You could be the best girlfriend on the face of the planet and yet your guy will not move forward. All you can do is be the best that you know how to be and then let the rest go. Whether he falls in love with you or not, is the risk and the journey. If love is possible here, let it grow at it’s own pace. It’s only been 2 months. I know very few people who would feel “love” at 2 months. Strong attraction yes, but love, not really. Love is deeper and requires TIME. Let it develop at its own pace and time.
Now, there are ways to be that can help him feel more connected with you and that’s what this program is about. There is so much information offered as to how to support a man, yourself and help the relationship grow. First, I don’t know how the conversation came up that he told you he is not in love with you “yet.” If you asked him that question, I would suggest that from now on, you don’t put him on the spot like that. He will tell you when and if he is ready. Many times, discussions about “love” and feelings too soon, can cause a guy to run the other direction. So give him space to feel what he feels without any pressure or questioning from you.
Next, develop the friendship. When a guy feels like he has a good friend in you, a best friend, there is no deeper bond than that. Become the person he feels emotionally safe with. Become the person who is always curious about who he is and how he is feeling. Become the person who is supportive of his life. Become the person he can count on to tell him the truth about yourself and about him. Hold him accountable to being his best self. Appreciate him for all he does. Those are invaluable things for a relationship. That is what a solid relationship is built upon. Of course, adding the romance, intimacy and flirting with it, and you have a killer combination! BUT…all of this just takes time. So for now, what you want to focus on is really getting to now each other. It’s only been a few months, so you don’t even know if you WANT him to fall in love with you. You need to see all sides to him before you know if you are physically and emotionally safe with him. You need to see how you guys argue together. You need to see how he is around all of your friends and family. You need to see how he handles stressful situations in his life.
Does all of this make sense?
Yes….you gave him a brand new experience of what a woman can be like. That is the best thing you could have offered him. My guess is, with a program like that running his heart and mind, you never would have gotten in. He never would have trusted you. He would have been waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under him at any moment.
Just something to consider for the future….a man who says something like that, is pretty wounded and doesn’t feel safe inside himself to go deep with a lady. I would IMMEDIATELY run the other direction. It’s guaranteed you will hit a wall and not to say that it couldn’t be broken down, but you are looking at some serious work and rejection and resistance. It’s just best to let a guy like that keep his perspective and not participate.
Hi Rosalie!
My guess is, he was testing the waters. He was probably seeing what you would respond like and how you would interact with him. You did a great job by offering the information and ending with a compliment.
I don’t blame you for wanting a “thank you” from him. You are doing a great job by not responding any further. This is a good time for you to take a step back and see what kind of person he is and if he treats you in a way you really want to be treated (like saying thank you). Just keep watching and waiting. It was great that he reached out! You gave him space and it caused him to reach out and test the waters. So it worked. Stay grounded in your purpose and keep your distance and just keep watching what happens. It’s a great time for you to really evaluate your relationship with him!
THoughts?
Heidi
