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Hi Seng,
I’m so sorry for your heartache! I understand you really got invested because you are lonely and want more people in your life. He was something exciting and something to look forward to in your day.
I have known many orthopedic surgeons in my life and I will tell you that if they are successful, THEY HAVE NO TIME! They are working 12-16 hours a day ALL THE TIME! So if he is on IG and continually adding friends, it immediately makes me think that he is not what he says. That picture of him in a doctor’s uniform could easily be a Halloween picture.
Regardless, it doesn’t matter. He is sending mixed messages and you are getting really invested in him with your heart, when he hasn’t earned the right to be in your life. I understand you are lonely, but now is the time more than ever, to be very careful because you are wanting connection and more willing to let someone in without much caution.
How about you work on finding people that are local. I always suggest for people NOT to start relationships that are long distance. They are unstable, extremely difficult and many times, bonds are created and fantasies are built before they even meet each other and that is very dangerous.
Who can you meet that is in your town? Can you find hiking groups? Dancing groups? What kinds of hobbies and activities do you have??
You need to block him. If you keep getting pulled back into connecting with him, your safest bet is to just block him so you stop responding all together. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’d like to know what your ideal relationship is. You say you want to get married, so tell me what you would like that marriage to feel like and look like? What kinds of things do you do together? How do you guys argue and resolve issues? How do you feel around him?
Share as many details as you can.
Heidi
Hi Miswani,
I am very sorry to hear this!
Are you willing to slow things down a bit with him? It sounds like you went from getting to know each other over an app straight into marriage. Did you have any time living in the same city? How well do you really know him and how well does he really know you?
Maybe he would be willing to not head into marriage yet and just slow things down. Maybe he would be willing to still be in relationship with you, but maybe you guys just live together for awhile first. Is this something you are willing to do?
I’m glad he is slowing down and really thinking about his choice. You don’t want to marry someone who isn’t ready. Have you thought about just letting him take the lead and set the pace of the relationship?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
The reason you are having a hard time getting over this, is because of what was triggered inside of you, not because it’s him. You feel rejected and you keep going over the situations in your life because YOU rejected you first. The moment you don’t speak up for yourself, the moment you accept someone getting irritated easily with you, the moment you chose to stay with a guy you didn’t feel comfortable talking to….that’s you rejecting you. You didn’t listen to your needs, you didn’t honor how you were feeling. He was who he was and you chose to accept that, at the expense of yourself. So this is not about him rejecting you. It’s about you abandoning yourself. There is something in you trying to get the attention of a man even if it meant hurting yourself. So what is happening for you that you would choose that design?
Of course you want to be someone who is kind and considerate, but again, you need to be this to yourself FIRST. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and when you have a very strong connection to yourself and standards of how you are treated (that are NOT negotiable), then they guys who do not align with your standards will not stick. The ones who do, will just enhance your life.
The challenge here is (and this is a challenge for many, many women) you have to be willing to choose yourself over the guy, if he does not meet your standards. You can have crazy chemistry with the guy, but if he is being flaky or emotionally unavailable, or easily annoyed, you have to be willing to let go of that chemistry and connection…and that’s where most women get tripped up. The desire for connection with a man is so strong, they can forget about themselves.
So….the place to start here for you, is to connect to yourself and figure out the core reasons why you chose to stay with a guy who made you feel so much anxiety, rejected and was easily annoyed with you?
Heidi
Hi Kylie,
I understand you are scared. You are scared either direction you go. If you stay silent, you are scared about your future, if you talk to him, you are scared about an argument or losing him.
You are at a point now though, where you need some answers. He is not aware of the point you are at and it’s time for him to know. He knows that he can just keep you very close, but not have sex. He knows that he can avoid the conversation by either not answering you or just having an argument about it. He knows you won’t do anything about it. Of course he is extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing. What guy wouldn’t be? If he claims he was very active sexually in his past relationships and he is not with you, then it’s time to figure this out. He cannot expect you to build a future with him and not face this challenge that he has. He needs to talk to someone. Whether it’s a doctor (although it doesn’t sound like there are physical issues going on) or a sex therapist. The sex therapist should be able to help him identify the root cause of what is happening for him emotionally and even help him deal with being cheated on in his past.
Kanya was accurate. I’m not advocating full acceptance or ultimatum. My apologies to come across that way! I can see why you thought that. My guidance is to start to head in either direction. Right now, you are sitting on the fence and scared. I would like to invite you to get off the fence and make your feelings known. He has no idea how you REALLY feel. He has no idea the point you have gotten to.
When you do have that conversation, you don’t leave without information and you don’t leave without having some action steps and an agreement. It’s CRUCIAL for you to get very clear about what EXACTLY you want from him.
You can say something like this: “I love you. I want to keep spending my days with you. I want to keep laughing with you and I want to keep moving forward with our relationship. You are my best friend. It’s time for me to be completely honest though. As much as I love you and want to be with you forever, I am very uncertain about our future. Whatever it is that you are afraid of and whatever it is that causes you to avoid me or get in arguments with me about sex, it’s time to face it. I am at a place now where it’s time to either fight for this area of our relationship or if that’s not what you want, then I have some things to think about. So what I am requesting from you, is that you get some help. I don’t need you to talk to me about this, but I do need to know you are taking some sort of action to understand this part of yourself better. Whether you start by going to a medical doctor or start seeing a sex therapist, I need to know you are taking some type of action towards resolving this for yourself. I will tell you this….I will not build a future with someone who is not willing to face their fears. I will not spend my life with the man I love and not have physical intimacy. I have all the patience in the world, but I need to know you are taking some sort of action to resolve whatever is happening for you and I need that action to start now. I need to know you are willing to do what is very uncomfortable for you, so you can heal. I have spent 3 years being uncomfortable and having strong desires for you, but always respecting your wishes, because you are worth it. You are leaving in 6 months and I want to feel solid in “us” before that time. Forget about the future and let’s just focus on right now. Are you willing to face this and do something about it?”
You don’t want to leave the conversation without getting an action plan. It needs to be more than an agreement to work on it. You need to have an agreement about the EXACT next steps like “okay…we agree that you are going to make an appointment with the doctor this week.”
The past conversations you have had all along where you are asking him why? and what is happening? make him feel powerless because he doesn’t have any of the answers. This conversation needs to be about YOU being honest and not asking him for answers. You are asking him to take some action towards resolving this because you cannot build a future without hearing the words “I love you” or being wanted by him. You want physical intimacy.
If he says no to taking some action, then that is information you need to know about him and you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to make.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Alla!
I am so sorry for all that you are going through! What a confusing situation for sure! We can speculate all we want, but he is the only one who truly knows what is happening for him. And sometimes, people don’t know why they make the decisions they do, they just know they are afraid.
Here is the VERY HARD truth. Love is not enough. Love is important, but there are so many other emotions that many times, become much bigger than love and they win. In your situation, his fear is bigger than his love. So whether or not he loves you, is not the issue. This is about him choosing to face his fear….or not. And right now, he is not willing to face that fear. It is GIANT and when it’s that big….it freezes people. My guess is, once he quite his job and the reality of his choice was right in front of him, it activated this fear and caused him to run the other direction.
This is not about you fighting for him. HE NEEDS TO FIGHT FOR HIMSELF! You can fight all you want, but it won’t change the fear that he is feeling. He needs to face his fear all on his own and no one or nothing can make him do that. Losing you might inspire him.
My suggestion is to not write him for a period of time. He knows you will always contact him. He can feel a sense of security in that, so if you stop initiating, it might trigger in him that he is actually losing you and he might make contact on his own. I don’t know. Either way, this is not about you saying or doing anything specific to change his mind. It is not that simple. He has a lot of hurt and HUGE fear that he needs to deal with on his own. I know many people who choose to live their entire lives this way. Some people end up facing their fears at some point. You just never know.
This is about YOU deciding how to heal and move forward with your life. It doesn’t mean that he won’t come around later. It just means you are choosing to accept his choice to let fear be in control of his life and that you will not participate with that design anymore. Y
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
Still send it! Just because it is late, doesn’t mean you still can’t send it! You can just send a voice message and sing him a little happy birthday song and then say, “I have a little something for you, but it arrived late. I put it in the mail today, so it’s on it’s way to you now. My wish for you is to feel super well loved and appreciated for your life. You deserve every bit of that! Have a good day!”
Just keep it simple, sweet and light and fun.
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
Thank you for sharing your story!
You are in a really tough situation. If he isn’t willing to listen to your thoughts and experiences, it means he isn’t ready to really embrace, accept and deal with whatever is happening. My guess is, it could be so much deeper than his ex. He most likely is full of all kinds of past hurts that he hasn’t released, beyond his ex. So even if he were to admit to still having troubles with his, it doesn’t mean that resolving his feelings about her, will change anything. If his coping mechanism is to bury his feelings, that means he most likely has a TON of buried feelings. This make sense because he has wonderful words to say, but he is missing the “feeling.” That is someone who doesn’t feel safe emotionally.
It’s even more difficult because you guys are long distance. It doesn’t allow for the daily interactions of touch, intimacy, building memories together etc. So how close you guys get will always be limited. Do you have plans to move closer together at some point?
I’m curious…from your question, is seems like you are most interested in helping him with his job. Do you feel he cannot help himself? What exactly do you want to help him with?
What is keeping you connected to this guy who is emotionally unavailable? Is it that you keep hoping that over time he will change?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
I think it’s a great idea to send him that book. Just write a simple note and say “I saw this a few months ago and thought of you. I hope you enjoy it! I truly celebrate your life, as it made mine better. Happy birthday!”
Simple, sweet and it shows you are not angry and just leave it at that.
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Of course this is difficult. You want more. You want a man who WANTS to see you. So I want to turn this around with focus on you. What makes you want to keep fighting for a guy you barely know and who is showing so little interest in you? You are wondering, what is the point of him texting you every once in awhile if he doesn’t want to see you?
Can you let him go? What if you started going on dates and continue your life as if it doesn’t depend on what he does or how he feels? Let go of how this thing turns out between you guys and just enjoy when he connects and leave it at that. It seems like you are holding on for dear life to this guy, when truth be told, you barely know him. If you let go and stop trying to figure everything out, then you can just enjoy his company when he does connect and maybe at some point he will come back closer again and you can start to get to know him again.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly!
Welcome to the forum! This is a great question! It’s always really important to have a good financial plan. How you structure who pays each bill, depends on how much money you make and how much he makes. Have you guys ever sat down with each other and discussed this? You need to create a budget together and make an agreement of who pays what. It sounds like you haven’t quite done that yet. And you need to start saving money for your child as well. There always needs to be an emergency fund and a college fund etc. It’s always advisable to spend some money to maybe work with a financial advisor on something like this. Or you can go through a course about how to create a budget for your family.
Have you tried any of those options?
Heidi
It’s supposed to be exhausting, because it’s not how relationships are meant to function. You picked a man who wants YOU to fix him and won’t take responsibility for himself. That means, it’s going to be an exhausting relationship for you on many levels. It’s a lot of work.
Hi Kylie,
Wow….this is an interesting situation.
Do you guys ever kiss passionately? The one time you did have sex, was it able to happen? His equipment worked well? During foreplay, is he having a physical response and does he seem to enjoy it?
So for the most part, you guys enjoy each other’s company completely, but you exist as friends…correct? Is there any hand holding, is there any kissing? It sounds like there is some flirting, but not much.
The truth is….you do have some big red flags to deal with. It’s been 2 years and you guys have created a WONDERFUL friendship! Yet he won’t go any further than where you guys are at right now and he is not willing to talk about it.
It’s impossible to not come across as nagging, lecturing or giving an ultimatum. When you are dealing with someone who won’t talk about something that has a lot of meaning for you, then you have a choice to make.
This is not the kind of situation where you need to say or do something different to all of a sudden make him want to have sex with you or build a family with you. It’s been 2 years and you are starving. He is not someone who will communicate with you. Imagine having children with him! There are all kinds of problems with children and you need a partner who is open and connective and willing to work THROUGH things with you vs. being avoidant. As a parent, you would be left all alone to deal with so many things.
It’s time for you to be honest with him. If he doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine, but he can listen. It’s time for you to let him know how serious this is for you. You can say something like, “It’s been 2 years. We are best friends, we have built so many memories together and have so much fun together. I want the intimacy. I have tried every possible way to get you to talk about what is going on with you, but it either ends in an argument or somehow gets avoided. I want my partner to want to build a life with me and want to fall madly in love with me. I am now at a place where I am ready to leave. I will not spend my life without these things. That’s how serious this is and I feel like it’s only fair that I let you know this. I am more than willing to work on this WITH you as you are the most amazing man I know. But you have to willing to be honest with me and work on this with me too. I can’t make you do that of course and I wouldn’t even want to. This needs to be resolved in one way or the other, before you leave. I’m going to leave now and give you space to think about this.”
The thing is Kylie, there is something really “off” about what is happening. He really could be gay (and won’t even admit it to himself), he could have a physical problem, he could have some traumatic sexual memories that he is aware of or isn’t aware of that is affecting him….you just never know. Either way….this is something he HAS to face if he is going to move forward with this relationship.
This is about you fighting for yourself to get your needs met. If a man doesn’t want to join you on that journey, for whatever reason, then it’s time to separate.
I know you wanted a more subtle approach and wanted certain things you could do to maybe inspire this out of him, but it’s time for you to just be very direct.
If you are not willing to let go of this relationship even though he won’t change, then you need to accept that this is who he is and deserves to be loved for exactly who he is. You will have to let go of your ideas of having a family, having sex, hearing I love you…and enjoy just being best friends. This is what he is asking and expecting you to do. So again, your choice is to be direct and honest and say that isn’t going to work anymore or you don’t say anything and maybe someday he will change, maybe he won’t….but you will love him and stand by his side regardless.
Thoughts?
