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Hi Martene!
My heart goes out to you! I so completely understand your struggle. I had a guy who rocked my world, I was his boss and he was younger and a bit intimidated by me. When he broke it off (for super healthy reasons) it ripped my heart out, but I knew he was right. I had to see him every single day, all day. I was constantly on the brink of tears. I finally moved states and moved on with my life and that was when I began to heal. It takes forever to heal when there is that strong of a connection and you have to see him daily! So tough!
I am wondering how old you both are? Age has a TON to do with how people view relationships.
I think the first place to start is you getting back on track with yourself. First, your need to be the center of his universe is not a healthy need. The crying and reactions you had to him wanting to create space for himself, creates a lot of pressure on him. The intensity of the bond you wanted to create with him, probably made him feel how serious you were. I know you recognize this. That’s the first step. The second step is what caused this in you? When people have reactions like this, there is something very deep inside of their soul that is driving them. Some of it could just be part of their personality and how they experience relationships and love and other parts could be coming from woundedness. For example, someone who was neglected or abandoned a lot as a child, can have tendencies to hold on super tight to anyone who they start to love. So the first step is identifying what part of your needs are healthy and just you and what parts come from a wounded place.
For now, just keep being friends and connecting from a very respectful and honoring place. Let’s figure out this other aspect first. He will not come back if things are going to exist in the same way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
I understand your hurt that he didn’t remember you birthday. Are you willing to let this go WITHOUT talking to him? You are broken up now. If you want to get back together with him, that is where your focus needs to be. I am wondering why you are still holding on this mistake he made. He apologized right? He has admitted to being ashamed and embarrassed right? What more do you need to resolve this within yourself? There is nothing more he can say or do, so now it’s up to you to let go of that anger. My guess is, the anger you feel is more than just about the birthday. Maybe the birthday thing triggered something else in you? Or maybe the birthday thing was just added on top of a pile of things where you felt insignificant and forgotten?
Whatever the reason, it’s important for you to resolve this in your heart, let go of the anger and forgive him. Are you willing to do this?
I’m not sure I completely understand the ticket situation. Are you saying he refunded you the money for the ticket you purchased, but you just kept the money and still have the ticket?
What do you WANT to do?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Of course you are confused! He is sending A LOT of missed messages.
Does he still have his profile up? I know this is horrible to say and think, but I have also known guys to lie about why they don’t want to have sex because they contracted an STD and they don’t want their partner to find out….or they had an STD from the beginning and didn’t tell their partner.
I’m wondering why you never confronted him about his profile still being active.
It sounds like you guys have a WONDERFUL connection and friendship, but there definitely is a huge part missing. It’s good to have arguments sometimes. I’m glad you guys were able to talk it through and repair whatever was said.
I suggest having a heart to heart with him. How the relationship is existing is not enough anymore. It doesn’t need to be an argument. It just needs to be a heartfelt discussion. It’s important for you to be honest and create a safe space for him to be honest. You can say something like, “I care for you soooo deeply. I also have notice that our relationship seems to be declining. We talk less, we hang out less, we still are not intimate. All those things should be increasing as we get to know each other. All I know is that I am missing you, I have no idea what we are doing and that this is not a direction that can last. This is not the kind of design that will bring us closer. Can we just openly and honestly talk about this?”
How does that make you feel? I know you may be scared of “fracturing” the relationship, but it’s not much of a relationship anyways if you can’t talk about something like this. It’s a good way to test the strength of it. If it breaks that easily, then that is important information you need to know.
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
I think it’s a great response that he sent. Have you responded yet? I think it might even be good by saying “You already felt bad enough about missing my birthday. No more guilt allowed. Let it go….I did! I just want you to fully enjoy this gift as that was my intention when I saw it.”
I wouldn’t read anything into “see you next time.” I think all you need to focus on, is that he had a positive response and seems to be connecting. Can you still use your ticket and just go have some fun, even without him? You can say something like, “Listen, I still have this ticket and don’t want it to go to waste, so I’m still going to use it. I plan on exploring all kinds of things I haven’t seen yet. If you feel like catching up with lunch or something, let me know.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Alla,
This is one of the best times to teach your son that even though he is hurt and disappointed, he is okay. I remember my mom teaching me that each time I was hurt or disappointed, that it was just a moment in time, it was important for me to always forgive and let go of my hurt and give it away to God and to make sure I did things that make me feel happy. To this day, what she taught me over and over and over again, I do when I feel hurt. He will also be watching you and how you handle this. He needs to see that it’s okay to hurt and be sad AND you can still heal. You can still have fun and that hurt is only here for season. Teach him what you are doing for yourself. Teach him that you are there to help him through this and he is not alone. Talk about it, be open about it and use this time as way to instill some life long skills he will need when disappointment and abandonment show up in his life.
One thing you might do together is if he is feeling sad, pick a song together that represents sad. Then dance the sadness. Have your body move in ways that express the sadness. Doing this together can really help transform the feelings and turn it into laughter, bonding and new way you both can get through tough moments together.
Does this help?
Heidi
Man…this is a bummer. He really has closed the door. I’m so sorry! I’m glad this happened for you though. The best gift ever was that he hurt you by rejecting you and that caused you to go learn more about herpes and deal with your feelings about it. That is the best gift ever!! You now have so much more of a positive spin on this and will approach it very differently in the future. Some men will still run away and others will embrace you and won’t care. If you think about it, herpes is actually a really good filter. If it causes men to run way, then you find out sooner than later, they are NOT a good match for you. The ones that stay, have the ability to accept you.
I’m sorry it has turned out this way, but I am not sorry that you found a way to connect and love yourself with herpes. That is so crucial!!!
Thank you for sharing your story!!!
Heidi
Hi Rena,
I understand that you feel you caused this to happen. It’s not all your fault. Your intuition was spot on and he was lying to you the entire time. Yes, your jealousy and emotional reactions could have been handled differently AND he could have been honest with you.
He wanted to just forget about it and call it a mistake, but cheating isn’t something you can do that with. It’s a break in integrity and it’s a very deep and painful assault on your heart. He can’t just expect to say sorry, it was a mistake and think it will all go away. There are major consequences to a “mistake” like that.
Here is the thing…..you both need to help to navigate this. You can change all you want Rena and be positive, but it still doesn’t change that he cheated and the trust was broken AND he hasn’t really done anything to help build that trust back up. When cheating happens, the first thing I always recommend that there is a lot of conversation that happens around the event. The feelings, the choices that were made, what contributed to this decision….all these aspects are discussed openly so BOTH people are on the same page. I also always suggest to find a 3rd party for help. Having that 3rd person guide both people through the challenges of something like this, can really help the couple to make a clear decision about each of the next steps.
So as much as you are starting to be positive, that really is only a band-aid to the wound that was caused. There is no doubt that you have a lot of feelings to process about his infidelity and need to learn healthy ways to communicate and deal with your triggers. The problem here is, you are the only one working on this situation. Has he talked to you about WHY he cheated? Does he have any awareness as to what influenced him to make a decision like that? There was something missing inside of him and cheating is a symptom of that. Was he feeling disconnected from you? Was he feeling unhappy? Was he not getting enough physical intimacy with you?
These are the kinds of things that are crucial to discuss so it doesn’t happen again. Reality is, it could very easily happen again and again and again if the person doesn’t face themselves and look at what is causing them to sabotage their relationship and break their word. You both need to look at the situation together and understand it and create a plan of how to build trust back up again. That is why having a 3rd party who works with couples, help guide you along the way.
I’m wondering if you had lunch with him and said something like, “I really have been thinking a lot about myself. I want to say that I don’t blame you for wanting to move out. I have been beyond difficult for awhile now and my emotions are all over the place and that is my fault. Even though you lied and cheated, I still have a responsibility to handle my emotions and not constantly beat you down for your mistakes. I still have a lot of feelings about this, but I am working on being more kind and learning how to better handle the intensity of this. I want to be a better person for myself and for you. I want to be a better partner. Would you be willing to at least consider seeing a therapist with me? In the end, we still might end up back here where divorce is on the table, but if we end up there, we can both at least know we gave it all we had and create an end in peace and agreement. If however, there are things that we can both do better and work on and we can learn how to be better partners, then that is worth it to me. I know right now, you may not feel that way and that’s okay. Just think about it.”
How does this make you feel? Are you even willing to see a therapist or coach yourself so you can help yourself through this very difficult phase??
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
I’m so glad you are connecting into your pattern and realizing where you are giving away your power and disconnecting from yourself.
In your last post, do you see how everything is about him? Do you see how your only thought is about how you were not enough for him? Do you see how you want to be “that woman” for him? It is this kind of thinking that brings you right back into that pattern, thinking more about the other person than yourself. You think you did something “wrong.” Maybe you did. Maybe you could have handled everything better, but so could he. He messed up in this too. Yet you want to keep trying to get someone to open up to you. You are heading right back into a relationship with a guy who is not emotionally available. So even if you did do everything perfect, it doesn’t mean he would open up to you! It doesn’t mean that he would have been any different towards you.
I do not suggest trying anything right now to get a man to love you. You have to love yourself FIRST if you are going to ever break this pattern of yours. You lose yourself in a relationship and spend all of your energy trying to be “perfect” when you need to know that you are perfect, just as you are! You don’t need to be anything different than who you really are. If that doesn’t work for someone else, that’s okay….it’s just not a good fit….and that’s all.
Self love is a looong and arduous process, however well worth it. Trying to find a man to “love” you is not the way to go about it. It will only keep you in your pattern. here is a great book by Brene Brown. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rena,
This is so difficult. I’m wondering if there are other issues happening here. What happened that he decided to move out? Did you guys keep arguing about him cheating on you? Has he said he wants a divorce? I’m not clear exactly where you guys are at right now.
Would you guys be willing to get some help?
It really make take more time. It’s important that you also focus on yourself and your healing. The more you focus on him and have fear about losing him, the more you disconnect from yourself and your own needs. He has to earn your trust as well. This isn’t about just getting him back and getting his attention, this is also about creating a healthier relationship. You don’t want to go back to the same patterns as before.
Did you guys talk about the cheating at all? Did he explain his reasons and what happened? Do you have an understanding about why it happened?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’m am just going to reflect back to you what you are communicating here.
Here are the reasons you have listed that you want to be with this guy:1. He lives in Europe and it has always been your dream to go there
2. He has fought for you and wants to be in a committed relationship
3. You feel like you can help him
4. You hope he will change when you eventually live togetherCompare these reasons to the reasons you listed above about what you want in a partner. I think you will find they don’t match up. I think part of you is connected with him because he has some things you want…you want to live in Europe, you want to feel fought for. These reasons DO NOT sustain a relationship. You wants something very deep, so why not let things continue to grow without forcing it to go deeper, faster.
If you really want to be with this guy because of who he is, then you need more time together. He still is dealing with an ex and his fears and my guess is, it’s going to take a super long time. He may never choose to open again. I don’t know. If you were in person and you guys lived in the same area, it would be a different situation.
Can you make plans to move there? You have wanted to go to Europe forever, so is there a way you can just go there on vacation and even see if you like it? Is there a way you can move your life there, WITHOUT needing him? He is a high risk relationship, so whatever you decide, you need to make sure you do it for yourself and not for him.
Thoughts?
Hi Seng,
I’m so sorry for your heartache! I understand you really got invested because you are lonely and want more people in your life. He was something exciting and something to look forward to in your day.
I have known many orthopedic surgeons in my life and I will tell you that if they are successful, THEY HAVE NO TIME! They are working 12-16 hours a day ALL THE TIME! So if he is on IG and continually adding friends, it immediately makes me think that he is not what he says. That picture of him in a doctor’s uniform could easily be a Halloween picture.
Regardless, it doesn’t matter. He is sending mixed messages and you are getting really invested in him with your heart, when he hasn’t earned the right to be in your life. I understand you are lonely, but now is the time more than ever, to be very careful because you are wanting connection and more willing to let someone in without much caution.
How about you work on finding people that are local. I always suggest for people NOT to start relationships that are long distance. They are unstable, extremely difficult and many times, bonds are created and fantasies are built before they even meet each other and that is very dangerous.
Who can you meet that is in your town? Can you find hiking groups? Dancing groups? What kinds of hobbies and activities do you have??
You need to block him. If you keep getting pulled back into connecting with him, your safest bet is to just block him so you stop responding all together. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’d like to know what your ideal relationship is. You say you want to get married, so tell me what you would like that marriage to feel like and look like? What kinds of things do you do together? How do you guys argue and resolve issues? How do you feel around him?
Share as many details as you can.
Heidi
Hi Miswani,
I am very sorry to hear this!
Are you willing to slow things down a bit with him? It sounds like you went from getting to know each other over an app straight into marriage. Did you have any time living in the same city? How well do you really know him and how well does he really know you?
Maybe he would be willing to not head into marriage yet and just slow things down. Maybe he would be willing to still be in relationship with you, but maybe you guys just live together for awhile first. Is this something you are willing to do?
I’m glad he is slowing down and really thinking about his choice. You don’t want to marry someone who isn’t ready. Have you thought about just letting him take the lead and set the pace of the relationship?
Thoughts?
Heidi
