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Hi Sophie,
Still send it! Just because it is late, doesn’t mean you still can’t send it! You can just send a voice message and sing him a little happy birthday song and then say, “I have a little something for you, but it arrived late. I put it in the mail today, so it’s on it’s way to you now. My wish for you is to feel super well loved and appreciated for your life. You deserve every bit of that! Have a good day!”
Just keep it simple, sweet and light and fun.
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
Thank you for sharing your story!
You are in a really tough situation. If he isn’t willing to listen to your thoughts and experiences, it means he isn’t ready to really embrace, accept and deal with whatever is happening. My guess is, it could be so much deeper than his ex. He most likely is full of all kinds of past hurts that he hasn’t released, beyond his ex. So even if he were to admit to still having troubles with his, it doesn’t mean that resolving his feelings about her, will change anything. If his coping mechanism is to bury his feelings, that means he most likely has a TON of buried feelings. This make sense because he has wonderful words to say, but he is missing the “feeling.” That is someone who doesn’t feel safe emotionally.
It’s even more difficult because you guys are long distance. It doesn’t allow for the daily interactions of touch, intimacy, building memories together etc. So how close you guys get will always be limited. Do you have plans to move closer together at some point?
I’m curious…from your question, is seems like you are most interested in helping him with his job. Do you feel he cannot help himself? What exactly do you want to help him with?
What is keeping you connected to this guy who is emotionally unavailable? Is it that you keep hoping that over time he will change?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
I think it’s a great idea to send him that book. Just write a simple note and say “I saw this a few months ago and thought of you. I hope you enjoy it! I truly celebrate your life, as it made mine better. Happy birthday!”
Simple, sweet and it shows you are not angry and just leave it at that.
Does this feel okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Rosalie,
Of course this is difficult. You want more. You want a man who WANTS to see you. So I want to turn this around with focus on you. What makes you want to keep fighting for a guy you barely know and who is showing so little interest in you? You are wondering, what is the point of him texting you every once in awhile if he doesn’t want to see you?
Can you let him go? What if you started going on dates and continue your life as if it doesn’t depend on what he does or how he feels? Let go of how this thing turns out between you guys and just enjoy when he connects and leave it at that. It seems like you are holding on for dear life to this guy, when truth be told, you barely know him. If you let go and stop trying to figure everything out, then you can just enjoy his company when he does connect and maybe at some point he will come back closer again and you can start to get to know him again.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kimberly!
Welcome to the forum! This is a great question! It’s always really important to have a good financial plan. How you structure who pays each bill, depends on how much money you make and how much he makes. Have you guys ever sat down with each other and discussed this? You need to create a budget together and make an agreement of who pays what. It sounds like you haven’t quite done that yet. And you need to start saving money for your child as well. There always needs to be an emergency fund and a college fund etc. It’s always advisable to spend some money to maybe work with a financial advisor on something like this. Or you can go through a course about how to create a budget for your family.
Have you tried any of those options?
Heidi
It’s supposed to be exhausting, because it’s not how relationships are meant to function. You picked a man who wants YOU to fix him and won’t take responsibility for himself. That means, it’s going to be an exhausting relationship for you on many levels. It’s a lot of work.
Hi Kylie,
Wow….this is an interesting situation.
Do you guys ever kiss passionately? The one time you did have sex, was it able to happen? His equipment worked well? During foreplay, is he having a physical response and does he seem to enjoy it?
So for the most part, you guys enjoy each other’s company completely, but you exist as friends…correct? Is there any hand holding, is there any kissing? It sounds like there is some flirting, but not much.
The truth is….you do have some big red flags to deal with. It’s been 2 years and you guys have created a WONDERFUL friendship! Yet he won’t go any further than where you guys are at right now and he is not willing to talk about it.
It’s impossible to not come across as nagging, lecturing or giving an ultimatum. When you are dealing with someone who won’t talk about something that has a lot of meaning for you, then you have a choice to make.
This is not the kind of situation where you need to say or do something different to all of a sudden make him want to have sex with you or build a family with you. It’s been 2 years and you are starving. He is not someone who will communicate with you. Imagine having children with him! There are all kinds of problems with children and you need a partner who is open and connective and willing to work THROUGH things with you vs. being avoidant. As a parent, you would be left all alone to deal with so many things.
It’s time for you to be honest with him. If he doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine, but he can listen. It’s time for you to let him know how serious this is for you. You can say something like, “It’s been 2 years. We are best friends, we have built so many memories together and have so much fun together. I want the intimacy. I have tried every possible way to get you to talk about what is going on with you, but it either ends in an argument or somehow gets avoided. I want my partner to want to build a life with me and want to fall madly in love with me. I am now at a place where I am ready to leave. I will not spend my life without these things. That’s how serious this is and I feel like it’s only fair that I let you know this. I am more than willing to work on this WITH you as you are the most amazing man I know. But you have to willing to be honest with me and work on this with me too. I can’t make you do that of course and I wouldn’t even want to. This needs to be resolved in one way or the other, before you leave. I’m going to leave now and give you space to think about this.”
The thing is Kylie, there is something really “off” about what is happening. He really could be gay (and won’t even admit it to himself), he could have a physical problem, he could have some traumatic sexual memories that he is aware of or isn’t aware of that is affecting him….you just never know. Either way….this is something he HAS to face if he is going to move forward with this relationship.
This is about you fighting for yourself to get your needs met. If a man doesn’t want to join you on that journey, for whatever reason, then it’s time to separate.
I know you wanted a more subtle approach and wanted certain things you could do to maybe inspire this out of him, but it’s time for you to just be very direct.
If you are not willing to let go of this relationship even though he won’t change, then you need to accept that this is who he is and deserves to be loved for exactly who he is. You will have to let go of your ideas of having a family, having sex, hearing I love you…and enjoy just being best friends. This is what he is asking and expecting you to do. So again, your choice is to be direct and honest and say that isn’t going to work anymore or you don’t say anything and maybe someday he will change, maybe he won’t….but you will love him and stand by his side regardless.
Thoughts?
Hi Sharon!
This is all such wonderful information! Thank you for sharing all of this!
First, I want to take you even deeper. Where does this scarcity belief come from? Who says there isn’t enough good men?
Second, there is another lie you are giving so much authority. You believe that if a man leaves, it’s because YOU have done something wrong. A response that is full of truth would be: “It didn’t work out because we were just not a good match.” This is one of the core negative beliefs you have about yourself and what is DRIVING you to try to be “perfect” and “win” a man. This is exhausting because it’s impossible! This negative belief was also learned along the way. Do you know who role modeled this for you? Maybe you were blamed a lot while growing up?
What kinds of self love / work etc. have you done? Who have you learned from? have you ever worked SERIOUSLY with a coach or therapist to get to the root of all of this?
I am wondering why you have chosen polyamory in the first place. What about it, attracted you? Of course it’s exhausting! But it really depends on the personality you have as well. You have to consider what level of depth you truly want. For some people, their level of depth is not even scratching the surface for me. So they will be happy with and attract partners to match their level of depth. So the determining factor here for you, is how deep do you want to go with yourself? That will determine the level of depth you will attract in a partnership.
When you were celibate for that year, what was your depression about? Why did you make that choice? Why do you think it was having sex with your friend that started to pull you out of the depression?
Heidi
Hi Maria!
Well done! You handled your own situation in such a wonderful and healthy way! You seriously get a gazillion gold stars!!!!
I first want to talk about a core difference between men and women. The core of who a man is, is his ability to produce. He NEEDS to produce and make something, in order to feel good about himself. For women, it’s all about connection. The core of who we are is founded on our abilities to have good relationships. This is why you were able to talk to him about your process, you reached out to a therapist and other women to get through it….it was all about you CONNECTING to yourself and others for your healing. That is something very instinctive for most women. It’s a completely different ballgame for men. This not their instinct. It goes against the grain actually. If a man needs help, it reflects on his ability to produce on his own…so a lot of men who are really tied to their ego and “manliness” through external means….would have an INCREDIBLE challenge to ask for help from another man. You are about as close as he is going to get to asking for help at this point.
You don’t want to directly ask him about articles or support groups. It will most likely make him shut down. What you want to do is to “accidentally” leave an article you are reading about men recovering (or something of that nature) on the counter where he will see it. You want to “accidentally” leave a webpage up on your computer about this topic so maybe he will see it. It’s an indirect way to expose him to the information which will allow him to become interested himself vs. feeling pressure from you. If he asks you what you are doing, you can just say, “Look. I understand what you are going through on many levels as I had my own experience. But I am a woman. Men experience things differently. I know it’s difficult for you to talk about it, so I am just doing my own research so I can understand better. That’s all. I hope you don’t mind.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Thank you for more details! Is that normal for you to cry a lot? When you say you are sensitive, does that mean you feel things intensely all the time? Like you can feel someone’s hurt or joy? How does your sensitivity show up for you?
With everything he is dealing with, I can see why your tears would cause him to step away. He is already dealing with so much. Most men (and people) for that matter, are really uncomfortable with someone crying. It can be quite the feeling of powerlessness for him to try to set some boundaries and create some personal space for himself, only to have you start crying. It’s okay though! There are things we can try.
First of all, when you guys text every week, who initiates? During your texts, are you still the one asking most of the questions, or does he show interest in you as well?
You can start by creating a bit of distance and showing a little less interest. It allows him the space to feel like he misses you. You can also tell him about the wonderful things you are doing in your life, so he knows that you are not falling apart without him. That’s very important!!!!
Let’s just start with that and see how it goes. Let me know what you think about it!
Heidi
Hi Shinthuga!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have to say….wow! I have an incredible amount of respect for you! The path you have taken for educating yourself and being honest is soooooo unusual! STDs are a topic most everyone steers away from and that is one of the main reasons why it’s so wide spread! Herpes and HPV are the 2 most common and anywhere from 25 to 30% are carriers! That’s a TON of people! That’s about 1 person out of every 4 you meet. There definitely is a stigma and a lot of embarrassment around STDs, but I am soooo so glad you took control of the situation, recognized you weren’t resolved about it and did something about it! And yes…it isn’t a big deal. It is just a skin condition and something that is easily manageable and at the most, an inconvenience, but nothing to be afraid of.
I am wondering if it means more to this guy beyond the herpes. Is he religious at all? Or part of any particular spiritual practice? I have heard guys say before, that the herpes is just a reminder that their girl has been sexual with another man and they can’t stand the thought of that. Of course it’s not rational, but it IS a very real feeling. Maybe this is part of the equation as well???
If you decide to approach the subject again with this guy, you can say something like “Hey. I realized after you decided to discontinue dating me because of the herpes, that I had never faced it about myself. I felt awful and embarrassed, so I decided to work on that. I went to a few support groups and I became very educated about all the aspects of herpes and how it affects me and any partners. I learned that it really is not a big deal. It is easily manageable and there are ways to protect your partner. Most of all, I am at peace now about it. I just wanted to share this with you, as when we talked about it, I wasn’t very educated and because of that, may have deterred you. I truly enjoyed getting to know you and would love for that to continue I know you still may not be able to get past this, but if you can at least be open to meet just for coffee, it would make my day. If not, that’s okay too. I will respect your choice.”
How does saying something like this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your situation here. Let’s see if we can help you figure some things out.
If I understand correctly, he is feeling like he needs more space. He feels like you are “needy” and that is the main problem here….is that correct?
It definitely is a strong reaction for you to cry when he tells you he doesn’t want to talk or hang out. What’s going on with how you are feeling? What are your tears about?
It also sounds like you ask a lot of questions and want to talk a lot and it’s overwhelming for him. Is that accurate? But it doesn’t sound like that is how it was in the beginning. I’m wondering if school ending, you leaving and he is having some challenges facing his life…that a relationship feels like too much work for him. Do you think this could also be contributing to how he is responding?
Heidi
Hi Miranda,
I am so so sorry! My heart is breaking for you.
I’m curious, what did you say? Or…since you said you seem to push people away by asking for your needs, what do you think you are doing to ruin the relationships?
You are doing the best you can. You can explain until you are blue in the face about something and even take responsibility for what happened, but if someone isn’t able to get past that….I would suggest to accept that and let it go. Do you really want to fight for a guy that is that fragile or scared or uninterested in fighting for the relationship? This is not just about what you said…this is also about seeing his ability to deal with stress, hurt feelings, how he communicates (or doesn’t) and what he does with all of that. So far, he is not passing with flying colors. So far, he saw a side to you that he didn’t like. And he gets to not like it. He may rationalize himself into thinking that it won’t work and he gets to do that to. Regardless, you need a guy who can accept those parts of you….your humanness…your limitations….your challenges. Because he will see sooooo many other wonderful things about you, that he will feel you are worth it to have in his life. Maybe you did mess up and maybe you could have done things better. AND….sometimes things will break because there is just something fragile about it. It’s better to find out now that he is a “runner.” He is not the type to stay and fight and talk things through. That is NOT YOUR FAULT! That is on him.
Now with all of that being said, you wrote a letter and did what you could to explain it. Who knows what he will say. Maybe he will explain something that will help you understand his reaction better. Either way, the ball is in his court. He needs to fight for the relationship. You have put your efforts in, now he needs to do the same. So keep your distance and honor the space and see what he does….
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dawn!
Dating can very difficult and confusing right? What’s funny, is sooooo many of the men I coach, say the exact same thing about women. Reality is, every one of us is complicated. We have soooo many layers to us. They say that about 20% of us is conscious, whereas the other 80% of us, lives form the subconscious. So…with that being said, the majority of how we live, the decisions we make, the partners we choose, the jobs we choose….all come from this mysterious place that we aren’t connected to. So that makes us ALL very complicated. The goal is, to get to know yourself deeper and deeper and deeper and therefore, have more access to the subconscious so you can build your life more consciously.
If you did blow it, then that’s okay. If he is not able to get through a bit of a very small speed bump, then it’s probably not a good match long term. I have seen people do make some MAJOR mistakes in the beginning, but there was just something more in the relationship that kept them together. So it’s not about how you behave or doing the “right” thing all of the time. There are so many other things that influence whether or not something works out. So be kind to yourself. The best thing you can ALWAYS do…is love yourself and stay connected to yourself when you do mess up.
Time will reveal whether or not this is something that has some substance. As Kanya said, keep having fun. Keep taking care of YOUR life and keep making other plans. This is CRUCIAL. He needs to know you can take care of yourself. He needs to pursue you. The love conversation was definitely way too soon anyways. I might have said something like, “I wouldn’t expect you to feel like you are falling in love with me. You barely know me. I know I like you and I know that I would like to go on another date with you and that’s it. Let’s just leave it at that!”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Marcela,
Man, this is so frustrating!!! I am so sorry you having to deal with this.
Here is my question to you….what is going on, inside of you, that you are wanting to fight for a guy who clearly is flaky, a poor communicator and has stated he does not want a relationship. He is treating you like crap and that is NOT YOUR FAULT!
This is the very typical “Treat her like crap and she will come crawling back for more” type of scenario. This is a VERY REAL technique that men teach other men about how to get any girl they want. For example, if there is a group of girls and he is attracted to 1 in particular, they are taught to go up to the group of girls and talk to all the girls and flirt and connect with all of them EXCEPT the one they want to go out with. Making her feel ignored and rejected will activate her need to connect. He will make her feel “left out” and “unimportant” so as to make her fight for his attentions. And then when he FINALLY gives her the attention, she will feel “special” and then bam! She’s hooked! It’s a common technique because it works all the time!
I’m not saying that is what this guy is doing on purpose…maybe he is, maybe he isn’t. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care how much you have had fun with a guy, when he ghosts you like that 2-3 times, it’s time to walk away and find someone else who treats with you kindness and respect and cares about you. This is not about you catching his attention again. This is about you having some standards of how you are treated and if any guy doesn’t meet those standards, he doesn’t get to experience you! You are valuable and worth knowing!!! But something in you seems to not quite know that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
