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Hi Sophie,
I think it’s a great response that he sent. Have you responded yet? I think it might even be good by saying “You already felt bad enough about missing my birthday. No more guilt allowed. Let it go….I did! I just want you to fully enjoy this gift as that was my intention when I saw it.”
I wouldn’t read anything into “see you next time.” I think all you need to focus on, is that he had a positive response and seems to be connecting. Can you still use your ticket and just go have some fun, even without him? You can say something like, “Listen, I still have this ticket and don’t want it to go to waste, so I’m still going to use it. I plan on exploring all kinds of things I haven’t seen yet. If you feel like catching up with lunch or something, let me know.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Alla,
This is one of the best times to teach your son that even though he is hurt and disappointed, he is okay. I remember my mom teaching me that each time I was hurt or disappointed, that it was just a moment in time, it was important for me to always forgive and let go of my hurt and give it away to God and to make sure I did things that make me feel happy. To this day, what she taught me over and over and over again, I do when I feel hurt. He will also be watching you and how you handle this. He needs to see that it’s okay to hurt and be sad AND you can still heal. You can still have fun and that hurt is only here for season. Teach him what you are doing for yourself. Teach him that you are there to help him through this and he is not alone. Talk about it, be open about it and use this time as way to instill some life long skills he will need when disappointment and abandonment show up in his life.
One thing you might do together is if he is feeling sad, pick a song together that represents sad. Then dance the sadness. Have your body move in ways that express the sadness. Doing this together can really help transform the feelings and turn it into laughter, bonding and new way you both can get through tough moments together.
Does this help?
Heidi
Man…this is a bummer. He really has closed the door. I’m so sorry! I’m glad this happened for you though. The best gift ever was that he hurt you by rejecting you and that caused you to go learn more about herpes and deal with your feelings about it. That is the best gift ever!! You now have so much more of a positive spin on this and will approach it very differently in the future. Some men will still run away and others will embrace you and won’t care. If you think about it, herpes is actually a really good filter. If it causes men to run way, then you find out sooner than later, they are NOT a good match for you. The ones that stay, have the ability to accept you.
I’m sorry it has turned out this way, but I am not sorry that you found a way to connect and love yourself with herpes. That is so crucial!!!
Thank you for sharing your story!!!
Heidi
Hi Rena,
I understand that you feel you caused this to happen. It’s not all your fault. Your intuition was spot on and he was lying to you the entire time. Yes, your jealousy and emotional reactions could have been handled differently AND he could have been honest with you.
He wanted to just forget about it and call it a mistake, but cheating isn’t something you can do that with. It’s a break in integrity and it’s a very deep and painful assault on your heart. He can’t just expect to say sorry, it was a mistake and think it will all go away. There are major consequences to a “mistake” like that.
Here is the thing…..you both need to help to navigate this. You can change all you want Rena and be positive, but it still doesn’t change that he cheated and the trust was broken AND he hasn’t really done anything to help build that trust back up. When cheating happens, the first thing I always recommend that there is a lot of conversation that happens around the event. The feelings, the choices that were made, what contributed to this decision….all these aspects are discussed openly so BOTH people are on the same page. I also always suggest to find a 3rd party for help. Having that 3rd person guide both people through the challenges of something like this, can really help the couple to make a clear decision about each of the next steps.
So as much as you are starting to be positive, that really is only a band-aid to the wound that was caused. There is no doubt that you have a lot of feelings to process about his infidelity and need to learn healthy ways to communicate and deal with your triggers. The problem here is, you are the only one working on this situation. Has he talked to you about WHY he cheated? Does he have any awareness as to what influenced him to make a decision like that? There was something missing inside of him and cheating is a symptom of that. Was he feeling disconnected from you? Was he feeling unhappy? Was he not getting enough physical intimacy with you?
These are the kinds of things that are crucial to discuss so it doesn’t happen again. Reality is, it could very easily happen again and again and again if the person doesn’t face themselves and look at what is causing them to sabotage their relationship and break their word. You both need to look at the situation together and understand it and create a plan of how to build trust back up again. That is why having a 3rd party who works with couples, help guide you along the way.
I’m wondering if you had lunch with him and said something like, “I really have been thinking a lot about myself. I want to say that I don’t blame you for wanting to move out. I have been beyond difficult for awhile now and my emotions are all over the place and that is my fault. Even though you lied and cheated, I still have a responsibility to handle my emotions and not constantly beat you down for your mistakes. I still have a lot of feelings about this, but I am working on being more kind and learning how to better handle the intensity of this. I want to be a better person for myself and for you. I want to be a better partner. Would you be willing to at least consider seeing a therapist with me? In the end, we still might end up back here where divorce is on the table, but if we end up there, we can both at least know we gave it all we had and create an end in peace and agreement. If however, there are things that we can both do better and work on and we can learn how to be better partners, then that is worth it to me. I know right now, you may not feel that way and that’s okay. Just think about it.”
How does this make you feel? Are you even willing to see a therapist or coach yourself so you can help yourself through this very difficult phase??
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
I’m so glad you are connecting into your pattern and realizing where you are giving away your power and disconnecting from yourself.
In your last post, do you see how everything is about him? Do you see how your only thought is about how you were not enough for him? Do you see how you want to be “that woman” for him? It is this kind of thinking that brings you right back into that pattern, thinking more about the other person than yourself. You think you did something “wrong.” Maybe you did. Maybe you could have handled everything better, but so could he. He messed up in this too. Yet you want to keep trying to get someone to open up to you. You are heading right back into a relationship with a guy who is not emotionally available. So even if you did do everything perfect, it doesn’t mean he would open up to you! It doesn’t mean that he would have been any different towards you.
I do not suggest trying anything right now to get a man to love you. You have to love yourself FIRST if you are going to ever break this pattern of yours. You lose yourself in a relationship and spend all of your energy trying to be “perfect” when you need to know that you are perfect, just as you are! You don’t need to be anything different than who you really are. If that doesn’t work for someone else, that’s okay….it’s just not a good fit….and that’s all.
Self love is a looong and arduous process, however well worth it. Trying to find a man to “love” you is not the way to go about it. It will only keep you in your pattern. here is a great book by Brene Brown. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7015403-the-gifts-of-imperfection
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rena,
This is so difficult. I’m wondering if there are other issues happening here. What happened that he decided to move out? Did you guys keep arguing about him cheating on you? Has he said he wants a divorce? I’m not clear exactly where you guys are at right now.
Would you guys be willing to get some help?
It really make take more time. It’s important that you also focus on yourself and your healing. The more you focus on him and have fear about losing him, the more you disconnect from yourself and your own needs. He has to earn your trust as well. This isn’t about just getting him back and getting his attention, this is also about creating a healthier relationship. You don’t want to go back to the same patterns as before.
Did you guys talk about the cheating at all? Did he explain his reasons and what happened? Do you have an understanding about why it happened?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’m am just going to reflect back to you what you are communicating here.
Here are the reasons you have listed that you want to be with this guy:1. He lives in Europe and it has always been your dream to go there
2. He has fought for you and wants to be in a committed relationship
3. You feel like you can help him
4. You hope he will change when you eventually live togetherCompare these reasons to the reasons you listed above about what you want in a partner. I think you will find they don’t match up. I think part of you is connected with him because he has some things you want…you want to live in Europe, you want to feel fought for. These reasons DO NOT sustain a relationship. You wants something very deep, so why not let things continue to grow without forcing it to go deeper, faster.
If you really want to be with this guy because of who he is, then you need more time together. He still is dealing with an ex and his fears and my guess is, it’s going to take a super long time. He may never choose to open again. I don’t know. If you were in person and you guys lived in the same area, it would be a different situation.
Can you make plans to move there? You have wanted to go to Europe forever, so is there a way you can just go there on vacation and even see if you like it? Is there a way you can move your life there, WITHOUT needing him? He is a high risk relationship, so whatever you decide, you need to make sure you do it for yourself and not for him.
Thoughts?
Hi Seng,
I’m so sorry for your heartache! I understand you really got invested because you are lonely and want more people in your life. He was something exciting and something to look forward to in your day.
I have known many orthopedic surgeons in my life and I will tell you that if they are successful, THEY HAVE NO TIME! They are working 12-16 hours a day ALL THE TIME! So if he is on IG and continually adding friends, it immediately makes me think that he is not what he says. That picture of him in a doctor’s uniform could easily be a Halloween picture.
Regardless, it doesn’t matter. He is sending mixed messages and you are getting really invested in him with your heart, when he hasn’t earned the right to be in your life. I understand you are lonely, but now is the time more than ever, to be very careful because you are wanting connection and more willing to let someone in without much caution.
How about you work on finding people that are local. I always suggest for people NOT to start relationships that are long distance. They are unstable, extremely difficult and many times, bonds are created and fantasies are built before they even meet each other and that is very dangerous.
Who can you meet that is in your town? Can you find hiking groups? Dancing groups? What kinds of hobbies and activities do you have??
You need to block him. If you keep getting pulled back into connecting with him, your safest bet is to just block him so you stop responding all together. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’d like to know what your ideal relationship is. You say you want to get married, so tell me what you would like that marriage to feel like and look like? What kinds of things do you do together? How do you guys argue and resolve issues? How do you feel around him?
Share as many details as you can.
Heidi
Hi Miswani,
I am very sorry to hear this!
Are you willing to slow things down a bit with him? It sounds like you went from getting to know each other over an app straight into marriage. Did you have any time living in the same city? How well do you really know him and how well does he really know you?
Maybe he would be willing to not head into marriage yet and just slow things down. Maybe he would be willing to still be in relationship with you, but maybe you guys just live together for awhile first. Is this something you are willing to do?
I’m glad he is slowing down and really thinking about his choice. You don’t want to marry someone who isn’t ready. Have you thought about just letting him take the lead and set the pace of the relationship?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
The reason you are having a hard time getting over this, is because of what was triggered inside of you, not because it’s him. You feel rejected and you keep going over the situations in your life because YOU rejected you first. The moment you don’t speak up for yourself, the moment you accept someone getting irritated easily with you, the moment you chose to stay with a guy you didn’t feel comfortable talking to….that’s you rejecting you. You didn’t listen to your needs, you didn’t honor how you were feeling. He was who he was and you chose to accept that, at the expense of yourself. So this is not about him rejecting you. It’s about you abandoning yourself. There is something in you trying to get the attention of a man even if it meant hurting yourself. So what is happening for you that you would choose that design?
Of course you want to be someone who is kind and considerate, but again, you need to be this to yourself FIRST. When you treat yourself with the utmost respect and when you have a very strong connection to yourself and standards of how you are treated (that are NOT negotiable), then they guys who do not align with your standards will not stick. The ones who do, will just enhance your life.
The challenge here is (and this is a challenge for many, many women) you have to be willing to choose yourself over the guy, if he does not meet your standards. You can have crazy chemistry with the guy, but if he is being flaky or emotionally unavailable, or easily annoyed, you have to be willing to let go of that chemistry and connection…and that’s where most women get tripped up. The desire for connection with a man is so strong, they can forget about themselves.
So….the place to start here for you, is to connect to yourself and figure out the core reasons why you chose to stay with a guy who made you feel so much anxiety, rejected and was easily annoyed with you?
Heidi
Hi Kylie,
I understand you are scared. You are scared either direction you go. If you stay silent, you are scared about your future, if you talk to him, you are scared about an argument or losing him.
You are at a point now though, where you need some answers. He is not aware of the point you are at and it’s time for him to know. He knows that he can just keep you very close, but not have sex. He knows that he can avoid the conversation by either not answering you or just having an argument about it. He knows you won’t do anything about it. Of course he is extremely uncomfortable about the whole thing. What guy wouldn’t be? If he claims he was very active sexually in his past relationships and he is not with you, then it’s time to figure this out. He cannot expect you to build a future with him and not face this challenge that he has. He needs to talk to someone. Whether it’s a doctor (although it doesn’t sound like there are physical issues going on) or a sex therapist. The sex therapist should be able to help him identify the root cause of what is happening for him emotionally and even help him deal with being cheated on in his past.
Kanya was accurate. I’m not advocating full acceptance or ultimatum. My apologies to come across that way! I can see why you thought that. My guidance is to start to head in either direction. Right now, you are sitting on the fence and scared. I would like to invite you to get off the fence and make your feelings known. He has no idea how you REALLY feel. He has no idea the point you have gotten to.
When you do have that conversation, you don’t leave without information and you don’t leave without having some action steps and an agreement. It’s CRUCIAL for you to get very clear about what EXACTLY you want from him.
You can say something like this: “I love you. I want to keep spending my days with you. I want to keep laughing with you and I want to keep moving forward with our relationship. You are my best friend. It’s time for me to be completely honest though. As much as I love you and want to be with you forever, I am very uncertain about our future. Whatever it is that you are afraid of and whatever it is that causes you to avoid me or get in arguments with me about sex, it’s time to face it. I am at a place now where it’s time to either fight for this area of our relationship or if that’s not what you want, then I have some things to think about. So what I am requesting from you, is that you get some help. I don’t need you to talk to me about this, but I do need to know you are taking some sort of action to understand this part of yourself better. Whether you start by going to a medical doctor or start seeing a sex therapist, I need to know you are taking some type of action towards resolving this for yourself. I will tell you this….I will not build a future with someone who is not willing to face their fears. I will not spend my life with the man I love and not have physical intimacy. I have all the patience in the world, but I need to know you are taking some sort of action to resolve whatever is happening for you and I need that action to start now. I need to know you are willing to do what is very uncomfortable for you, so you can heal. I have spent 3 years being uncomfortable and having strong desires for you, but always respecting your wishes, because you are worth it. You are leaving in 6 months and I want to feel solid in “us” before that time. Forget about the future and let’s just focus on right now. Are you willing to face this and do something about it?”
You don’t want to leave the conversation without getting an action plan. It needs to be more than an agreement to work on it. You need to have an agreement about the EXACT next steps like “okay…we agree that you are going to make an appointment with the doctor this week.”
The past conversations you have had all along where you are asking him why? and what is happening? make him feel powerless because he doesn’t have any of the answers. This conversation needs to be about YOU being honest and not asking him for answers. You are asking him to take some action towards resolving this because you cannot build a future without hearing the words “I love you” or being wanted by him. You want physical intimacy.
If he says no to taking some action, then that is information you need to know about him and you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to make.
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Alla!
I am so sorry for all that you are going through! What a confusing situation for sure! We can speculate all we want, but he is the only one who truly knows what is happening for him. And sometimes, people don’t know why they make the decisions they do, they just know they are afraid.
Here is the VERY HARD truth. Love is not enough. Love is important, but there are so many other emotions that many times, become much bigger than love and they win. In your situation, his fear is bigger than his love. So whether or not he loves you, is not the issue. This is about him choosing to face his fear….or not. And right now, he is not willing to face that fear. It is GIANT and when it’s that big….it freezes people. My guess is, once he quite his job and the reality of his choice was right in front of him, it activated this fear and caused him to run the other direction.
This is not about you fighting for him. HE NEEDS TO FIGHT FOR HIMSELF! You can fight all you want, but it won’t change the fear that he is feeling. He needs to face his fear all on his own and no one or nothing can make him do that. Losing you might inspire him.
My suggestion is to not write him for a period of time. He knows you will always contact him. He can feel a sense of security in that, so if you stop initiating, it might trigger in him that he is actually losing you and he might make contact on his own. I don’t know. Either way, this is not about you saying or doing anything specific to change his mind. It is not that simple. He has a lot of hurt and HUGE fear that he needs to deal with on his own. I know many people who choose to live their entire lives this way. Some people end up facing their fears at some point. You just never know.
This is about YOU deciding how to heal and move forward with your life. It doesn’t mean that he won’t come around later. It just means you are choosing to accept his choice to let fear be in control of his life and that you will not participate with that design anymore. Y
Thoughts?
Heidi
