Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Bete,
Oh I’m so sorry! Are you surprised he said this? Did you see signs of him losing interest? How long were you guys together? How do you think your relationship was? Could you tell that he was attracted to you? Were you intimate frequently? Flirty? Did you have really good conversations??
I wish I had a magic wand to give you the perfect answer, but this is one of the toughest scenarios. If someone just doesn’t have feelings for you, there is nothing to do about that. It’s just not meant to be. But if someone does have feelings and attraction towards you and just didn’t like the relationship, that gives us something to work with.
Heidi
Hi Roxana
Man…your heart must sink watching your husband connecting with this other woman and to also push you away.
The first thing I want you to realize is that you are not powerless. YOU DO HAVE CHOICE! Where your power lies, is within you. It is not about trying to fix him or change him….that is where you are powerless, but you do have a choice and power as to whether or not you want to continue participating in this design.
I know you used to be in love and were a great couple. That doesn’t exist anymore and it’s important for you to let that idea go. He is doing everything to break this relationship and it’s causing you so much hurt and so much harm. This is not about you doing something different so he will come back to you. The problem here is, he won’t be honest, he won’t talk to you and he pushes you away all the time. This is not a man who is interested in changing. This is a man who is pushing you towards a divorce. He may say he wants a divorce, but my suspicion is, he wants YOU to ask for it. He is not showing you he is the kind of guy who cares about your feelings nor is interested in repairing anything. There is nothing you can do about that.
You want to wait until the flame dies down??? Then what? You think he will turn his attentions back to you? That is possible, but then what are you going to do when he finds someone else to catch his attention? Cheating is not the issue here. The issue is that he is not a happy guy and is looking for very unhealthy ways to make himself feel better. He is not willing to face himself, how he is REALLY feeling and willing to work with you on anything. That is the fundamental issue here. Of course, you have your own challenges as well, but the difference between you and him, is you are willing to listen, talk and work on things and he isn’t. So…that means, even if the flame goes away for this other woman, it doesn’t change that he is a guy who runs from his problems instead of facing them. So reality is, you will probably end up right back here, where he will have found another person to make him feel better.
I understand you want a “family” for your baby. That’s just not in the cards with this guy. He is just not interested in facing this and being honest. These are the facts.
So if you are to look at the facts that he is not going to stop this affair, he is going to keep lying, he is not going to be intimate with you, he is going to continue to be disconnected. This is the truth about your situation at the moment. Now you have to decide if you want to keep accepting to be treated this way, you can decide you deserve more and want more and you ask for a divorce, you can maybe have a serious conversation where you just talk and he just listens. You can say something like, “Look, I know you are having an affair. I know you are lying. I know you are not interested in me anymore. I keep trying over and over to be a better wife for you, but it just seems nothing is working and I am at a loss. So I am done trying to figure out what you want. I am at a place now where I am ready to let go if you are not willing to work on this. If you are willing to see a therapist with me, I will go and we can see where it leads us. If you are not willing to work on this, then I need to hear it from you now. It’s a simple yes or no.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
I understand your confusion. Getting to know someone in a romantic capacity is so difficult! Then add on top of that, trying to do it long distance.
Let me clear something up for you. Since you do not have much experience with men, I will tell you that you CANNOT just erase everything and start all over. It doesn’t work that way. The way that he communicates and the way that he functions when his feelings are hurt, is who he is. You can erase this current topic, but another topic will show up and both of your behaviors will be the same. Not once, in all the communication you have shared from him, has he taken responsibility for his own choices. 100% of the time, he is blaming you. He even blames you for his choice to disconnect and not talk. I will warn you right now, you are in for a loooooong dramatic road with this guy. He sounds like he has tendencies towards narcissism. So…that means that you will ALWAYS be wrong, even if he makes bad choices. He will tell you that it’s your fault because of how you treated him or made him feel. He does not have the ability to take responsibility for himself. You will end up feeling very alone in a relationship with him because he will not care about your experience. He will only care about his experience. He will blame, you will defend yourself and then round and round you guys keep going and more and more you will notice how anonymous you are in his life.
So….I would like to encourage you to really think about this. Just because you are good together when things are good, does not mean it is a good relationship. A healthy relationship exists across ALL shades of life. The good, the bad, the ugly, the challenges. You guys do not have this going for you. How he copes with things, he will never be good at it unless he faces himself and how he treats people when things get challenging. You also tend to disconnect which is something you too need to work on. Bottom line is though…you can work on it all you want, but he won’t. So you are still dealing with the same stuff.
In a healthy relationship, your guy will ask you questions about how you are feeling. He will say things like, “It really sucks when you disconnect and go silent on me. It hurt when you said….I got angry when you did…..” and when you share your thoughts and feelings, he will listen and want to know about you and your experience. You guys will work TOGETHER to solve your problems and not blame each other for how things go down. That is healthy communication. The direction you guys are heading in, is down the drain. This type of communication DOES NOT keep a relationship together…it just causes harm.
I know though, that no matter what I say, your heart feels different because you are connected to him and it is still your choice. If you still feel you want to give this another go, my suggestion is to just keep talking. You guys are still connecting daily, so that means there is still something happening. Give it some time to re-build the friendship. Then maybe you can add a little flirting and see how he responds. But wait for a bit. Don’t talk about getting back together anymore. Give him the space, but keep connecting and being responsive. Also, playing a little hard to get. Maybe sometimes, don’t answer so quickly. Wait a day to respond. Go out and continue your life. Keep dating, keep having fun and make sure you let him know that’s what you are doing.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Martene!
You are definitely heading down a wonderful path. No matter how this ends up, you are learning about how to be a better partner. I’m glad you are working on letting go of the idea of trying to be “perfect” so you don’t make the situation worse. It’s a pointless effort! You being you is the MOST IMPORTANT aspect and anyone who is going to match you, will LOVE all aspect of you, even in your moments of challenge and mistakes.
As far as your work situation, I will validate your concern. Work is a tricky place, especially since you both are literally sitting in the same office every single day. There are not many couples who can handle something like that. It definitely can be quite a strain on a relationship….especially if you are arguing. You are around each other all day, every day, so there really is no space that is your own. Work, many times, is a good place to feel separate than your partner…to have your own friends, your own environment and a life that exists separate than him. So….yes, it’s a concern. If anything goes wrong, for whatever reason, you or him are looking at the possibility of either losing your jobs or needing to go somewhere else. So, there is a higher risk here you both are taking by getting involved.
As far as your letter, that really is up to you. If you preface it by saying something like, “I came across this book that has really helped me. It exposed some areas where I feel I wasn’t being very effective in our relationship, or other relationships I’ve had for that matter. Anyways, I love learning about myself and how I can be better. I wanted to share with you a few things I have learned…..then share your thoughts. Then you can end with something like…..This is not about us getting back together. Maybe at some point we can give it a go again, or maybe not. I trust whatever shows up. I just wanted to share what I learned and say the things I wish I had said back then…that’s all.”
I also want to suggest holding off on the letter for a bit. Give it another few weeks while you guys are still trying to figure out how to be friends, offering compliments here and there, going out with friends again….you guys are still in a bit of an awkward phase….I’m thinking it might be best just to let that unfold first and THEN….you can circle around back to the letter and see how you feel about it.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
Holy smokes a lot has happened!
D is certainly a fragile guy! He is so terrified of failure. There is an aspect here where as good as he is at communication, there is a lot of fear driving it. Where is his compassion? Where is his patience and understanding for growth? Where is his tolerance and humility for just being human? With how he reacted, he is using this excuse of “communication” as one BIG, GIANT, THICK WALL!!! If anyone messes up, just a little, he is outta there. He has no tolerance for another person’s “mistakes” because he is so incredibly judgmental of himself first and foremost. As much as he teaches communication, he is missing heart. He is missing compassion. Instead of compassion and understanding, it’s replaced by fear. He doesn’t trust himself, therefore he will never trust you. Our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses right??? I am INCREDIBLE at communication, but there are just some times it doesn’t work and it’s important to just go with the flow, brush yourself off then give it another go. He doesn’t have that ability…which means he is not very resilient. I’m so glad this ended!! You are much stronger in a lot of ways than he is!
Thank you for sharing your path and process. You are handling everything so well as you process all of this! I’m so glad you have your son as a role model! That’s amazing! I use my friends as role models! They show us what it feels like to be in relationship with ease and grace and fun and laughter and arguments AND feel loved through all of it! Romantic relationships can be like that! You need to feel safe and respect who you are with. You feel that with your son, which is so wonderful!!!
Well done!Keep working it!!! You rock!
Heidi
Oh Roxana! I am so sorry! This is devastating!
Do you know how long he has been having this affair? Is it still going on currently? How did you find out?
I think the best way to work on this is to be honest. When both people are honest, it allows for everything to be dealt with. How can you keep trying to be nice and not do anything that bothers him if you don’t even understand what is happening for him. Your relationship is broken and neither of you are talking about it and being honest. How can anything be fixed this way?
Does he have a history of cheating? Do you have any idea why he would cheat? Did he seem happy and enjoying your relationship together? There is obviously something missing inside of him and he is looking elsewhere to fix it and that will never work. Do you have any idea what would be missing in his life?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I’m so sorry! I know how hard it is to let go of a connection like that. I know he felt good for you and the idea of letting him go completely is so so difficult.
Here is the truth. He is not a good communicator and as you said, you don’t view that he handles stress very well. It took you finally saying something for him to admit that the spark was gone, yet he carried on with you and was not honest with you…I wonder how long he was feeling this way and I also how long he would have carried on like that?
You may still have a spark, but what makes you think he feels a spark? Do you feel like you can trust this guy to be honest with you? If he doesn’t communicate very well, that means he is not very emotionally available. It sounds like he has a whole internal world of thoughts and feelings that you don’t know about. Is this how you want to exist in a relationship?
Heidi
Hi Martene!
This is wonderful to hear!!! I’m glad you have traveled deeper into yourself to get to know who you are. How you are explaining this now, it sounds very grounded and you have a healthy perspective.
I’m not a fan of using the word “never.” lol. Going back can actually be a wonderful thing ONLY if you learned from the first round. Many people try to go back but just end up repeating the same patterns. So the goal is, when and if you go back, you learn from the first round and then give it another go.
I understand with the age you both are at, how the pressure of marriage and building is just naturally there. You both are at that age. You are early 30’s and need to start thinking more seriously about children and if you want them. Is this a factor for you by the way?
He will be thinking how to support a family. So even if you didn’t say anything about it, it’s just naturally there. My guess is, a part of him really wants to build a life with you, but the closer he got, he might have just gotten scared. He might have really started to put pressure on himself and found that he wasn’t ready to “grow up” in that way. I’m sure the adjustment you both were going through and all the intensity just contributed to it all. My guess is, he is going to need more time. Is he more settled now? Is he in the groove of his work and getting his foundation more established? Is he setting up his life up in a way that could support a family?So I’m curious….you said that you were not getting your needs met. Well, neither of you were getting your needs met. So how would you approach this differently for a 2nd round….assuming that HE will not change at all. He is who he is….so how can you get more of your needs met considering that you have the exact same person who hasn’t changed at all. What would you do differently?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
I’m so sorry for all the hurt you have felt by being forgotten. It’s so important for you to process all those moments and know that when people “forget” it is about THEIR limitation and by no means a reflection of you. When you value and love yourself wholly and completely, whether someone remembers you or not, you know your own value. Your birth matters to this world. Even if he forgot, it does not change the value that you are and what your life means to this world. When you give him THAT much power to ruin the celebration of your life, you are looking in the wrong direction. You are giving your power away. You are basically saying, “You will determine whether or not I am valuable by either remembering or not remembering the day of my birth.” Instead, it needs to be this, “Whether or not you remember the day of my birth, I am going to celebrate and value the day I came to this earth. I am valuable and worth celebrating regardless. I love myself, I appreciate my life beyond measure and I know that I matter to this world!” When you view your life that way, when you connect to yourself with that kind of thinking, when someone you care about, forgets your birthday, of course it will still hurt, BUT it won’t knock you off your center. It will hurt, but you heal quickly, because YOU are connected YOU and you know how to love yourself through the moments when people disappoint you. Make sense?
Why not just be honest about the ticket? What about saying something like, “Listen….I know we are broken up. I admit to buying a cheap ticket I found, because I was still hopeful. I cannot refund it and I don’t want it to go to waste, so I will be there in January. If you feel like having lunch or something, I would love to catch up and see you and give you a giant hug. No pressure though. I will go and have fun either way. The ball is in your court. I will not reach out as I don’t want you to feel pressure. If you end up feeling inspired and want to connect while I’m there, I am completely open to that. Hope to hear from you :)”
How does that feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
So help me understand why being 40 means you have more of a sense of urgency. Are you wanting more children or something? What’s the rush here? Why are you struggling with going slower and letting him take the time he needs?
It sounds like he really has a lot to figure out between dealing with his feelings about his ex and his work situation. You are right in that LDR is soooo so difficult. My guess is, he knows you are jealous and therefore doesn’t want to be honest with you about his ex. My guess is, if he were to be COMPLETELY transparent and honest about it, it would hurt your feelings and he would lose you and he is not willing to do that. He may be hoping that being with you will help his feelings get resolved about his ex. It’s all hard to say because he is not willing to talk about this with you.
So here are the FACTS:
1. You know he still has “something” happening in his heart about his ex.
2. He has a tendency to become distant
3. You are unsure about how he feels about you and the direction you are heading.
4. He needs to get his life in order. You keep saying you can help him (which by the way can make a man feel much worse if he senses you feel that about him)I’m still trying to get to the root of how you REALLY feel about him. What I am reflecting back to you about what YOU are saying is this:
1. You want to live in Europe and he is a good excuse for that
2. You want to help him – which makes you feel good about yourself that you can help him
3. You are wanting a deeper connection with him, but he is not willing to go there with you, but despite the LDR, you think it could still happen.Why are you fighting so hard for this relationship? If you don’t feel cherished enough, if you feel that his ex is more important to him than you are, what is happening INSIDE OF YOU that is making you fight so hard for a guy that is not meeting your needs? He is still not over his ex, so he is not emotionally available for you. What is keeping you so hooked on this guy? Tell me why he is worth fighting for? Are you THAT sure that he is the most amazing guy ever and you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him being super happy, feeling cherished, respected and valued?
Heidi
Hi Cyrillene,
Welcome! Just a few questions:
1. How can you tell he started to lose interest?
2. Do you have a suspicion he is cheating?
3. What are your thoughts as to why he might be distancing himself?
4. What are you hoping to accomplish? You want to get his attention back again?Heidi
Hi Ana,
I am so sorry! It sounds like you both started out really strong, but the insecurities got the best of both of you.
It’s time to move on and let this go. The way he is talking, he is definitely a guy you want to stay away from. He is empty inside and needs someone to CONSTANTLY validate him. He does not think very highly of himself and needs you or someone else to keep reminding him of how wonderful he is. That is not YOUR job. He has a lot of work to do on himself. He hasn’t forgiven wrong doings from his past and he is constantly looking to you to make him feel better. If you stay and keep trying to make this work, it will be a constant and never ending thing you will have to do. It’s exhausting! He is EXTREMELY emotionally fragile, which means any little thing you do, is going to create a HUGE reaction in him. If you ever make mistakes, he will never let you forget about it. If you are not doing enough to make him feel secure in the relationship, he will blame you.
Is this the kind of relationship you want to have? I know you guys had a wonderful time together in the beginning, but you are now seeing more of who he is and how he functions, especially under stress. This is not about you changing or him changing, it’s about you accepting that this is who he is. Are you able to do that? Can you imagine having these same conversations 10 years from now? If you feel okay about that, then great! You can work on trying to repair everything and re-connect and we can help give you some ideas about how to go about that. If however, you don’t see yourself being fulfilled and happy with this design, then it’s time to accept that you both function very differently and it’s okay. You take this as a good learning experience and you move on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Martene!
My heart goes out to you! I so completely understand your struggle. I had a guy who rocked my world, I was his boss and he was younger and a bit intimidated by me. When he broke it off (for super healthy reasons) it ripped my heart out, but I knew he was right. I had to see him every single day, all day. I was constantly on the brink of tears. I finally moved states and moved on with my life and that was when I began to heal. It takes forever to heal when there is that strong of a connection and you have to see him daily! So tough!
I am wondering how old you both are? Age has a TON to do with how people view relationships.
I think the first place to start is you getting back on track with yourself. First, your need to be the center of his universe is not a healthy need. The crying and reactions you had to him wanting to create space for himself, creates a lot of pressure on him. The intensity of the bond you wanted to create with him, probably made him feel how serious you were. I know you recognize this. That’s the first step. The second step is what caused this in you? When people have reactions like this, there is something very deep inside of their soul that is driving them. Some of it could just be part of their personality and how they experience relationships and love and other parts could be coming from woundedness. For example, someone who was neglected or abandoned a lot as a child, can have tendencies to hold on super tight to anyone who they start to love. So the first step is identifying what part of your needs are healthy and just you and what parts come from a wounded place.
For now, just keep being friends and connecting from a very respectful and honoring place. Let’s figure out this other aspect first. He will not come back if things are going to exist in the same way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
I understand your hurt that he didn’t remember you birthday. Are you willing to let this go WITHOUT talking to him? You are broken up now. If you want to get back together with him, that is where your focus needs to be. I am wondering why you are still holding on this mistake he made. He apologized right? He has admitted to being ashamed and embarrassed right? What more do you need to resolve this within yourself? There is nothing more he can say or do, so now it’s up to you to let go of that anger. My guess is, the anger you feel is more than just about the birthday. Maybe the birthday thing triggered something else in you? Or maybe the birthday thing was just added on top of a pile of things where you felt insignificant and forgotten?
Whatever the reason, it’s important for you to resolve this in your heart, let go of the anger and forgive him. Are you willing to do this?
I’m not sure I completely understand the ticket situation. Are you saying he refunded you the money for the ticket you purchased, but you just kept the money and still have the ticket?
What do you WANT to do?
Heidi
Hi Carol,
Of course you are confused! He is sending A LOT of missed messages.
Does he still have his profile up? I know this is horrible to say and think, but I have also known guys to lie about why they don’t want to have sex because they contracted an STD and they don’t want their partner to find out….or they had an STD from the beginning and didn’t tell their partner.
I’m wondering why you never confronted him about his profile still being active.
It sounds like you guys have a WONDERFUL connection and friendship, but there definitely is a huge part missing. It’s good to have arguments sometimes. I’m glad you guys were able to talk it through and repair whatever was said.
I suggest having a heart to heart with him. How the relationship is existing is not enough anymore. It doesn’t need to be an argument. It just needs to be a heartfelt discussion. It’s important for you to be honest and create a safe space for him to be honest. You can say something like, “I care for you soooo deeply. I also have notice that our relationship seems to be declining. We talk less, we hang out less, we still are not intimate. All those things should be increasing as we get to know each other. All I know is that I am missing you, I have no idea what we are doing and that this is not a direction that can last. This is not the kind of design that will bring us closer. Can we just openly and honestly talk about this?”
How does that make you feel? I know you may be scared of “fracturing” the relationship, but it’s not much of a relationship anyways if you can’t talk about something like this. It’s a good way to test the strength of it. If it breaks that easily, then that is important information you need to know.
Heidi
