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Hi Renee,
I am so sorry for all that you both are going through. I’m so glad you both found EMDR as that is one of the most powerful methods I have come across (in the right hands of course). Is he still seeing his therapist? Are you seeing your therapist now as well?
From his perspective and what you shared, it makes total sense that he needs to feel like he can get his life in order before marrying you. You guys do have this very strong pattern of breaking up for short periods of time. Once you are married, it’s not as much of an option. Before marrying him, I would suggest making it a goal to go an entire year without ever breaking up. As long as that is an option in both of your minds, then there is no solidarity there. Things are going to be messy considering all that you guys have been through. Being able to stay together during the messiness is a pretty crucial part of a marriage is going to work. So it sounds like you guys aren’t ready for marriage yet. It really might be best to continue figuring out your relationship and continue to slowly heal all the wounds and low self esteem. Maybe consider taking marriage off the table for now?? That, in and of itself, might give him some relief. Just a thought.
As far as all of our techniques working with this particular situation….yes, it does! And it sounds like you are doing brilliantly with all of them. The communication sounds great, you are encouraging, you are supportive, you are giving him some breathing room. You are doing everything you possibly can to support him….the rest is up to him. The techniques itself cannot heal his low self esteem, as I’m sure you already know that. But by interacting with him the way you are, it definitely sounds like it’s keeping you guys connected and in a good friendship. There really is an element here that although you guys are broken up, with as many times as that has happened, you guys always stay connected and return to each other. It’s a pretty strong pattern, so I can’t imagine any of that is going to change. If there is anyone who is able to be with him, it’s you. He is so broken and needs to do that deep emotional surgery to repair those “broken” parts. That is going to take a lot of time. As long as he is working on it and continuing to see his therapist, then he can heal. I have no doubt your patience and acceptance of his process is important to him.
This is also good for you in the sense that you get to face your anxiety. It’s a great opportunity for you to also dig in really deep and heal those parts of you driven by fear. What are you doing to help yourself with the anxiety? How are you taking care of yourself?
Heidi
Hi Isotta!
What I want you to pay attention to is how you feel when responding with such short messages. Notice any discomfort, notice your thoughts about it, notice what your tendencies are, notice how you might want to keep writing more and ask yourself why….by paying attention to this process, you will learn quite a bit about yourself! It can help shed some light about all the layers involved in your perceptions. Keep us updated because we can walk you through this process and help you connect to the deeper parts of yourself.
As far as your height, I understand completely. I’m 5’10” and although I do live in America where men are much taller than 5’4″ (yikes) I do feel your struggle about being with a guy that is just too small. I have dealt with that many, many times in my life. Most men never have cared! They LOVED how much taller I was! Doesn’t matter though….I have to go with what is comfortable for me. I have worked very hard and letting go of the height thing and it jus is still there….oh well! I’m going to just be me!
So my recommendation is yes, put a height requirement on your profile. It’s important for you to be honest and not waste anyone’s time. I would say something like, “Being that I am very tall, for my own comfort, I am interested in men 5’8″ or taller.” Or something to that affect. Try it out! It’s nothing permanent….you can always change things if you feel you want to…but it might save you some time and energy to just be upfront about it from the beginning.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Isotta!
I just wanted to clarify quickly that 3-4 sentences is enough to respond with, NOT paragraphs. Texting is not a way to get to know someone. Keeping your answers short and simple while texting is so important and then when you are face to face, you can expand on those answers. I can’t tell you how many men get really turned off when they receive paragraphs from women and they feel they can’t keep up. Also, there is a concept sales people use all the time. They give just enough information, but also leave a bit of mystery to get the customer to want more. It’s a brilliant technique! So you want to do the same with a guy. Giving a few sentences but making him wonder about more, is what you want.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kathy,
It sounds like you have such a wonderful connection with him. He may be keeping his distance, as he should, to allow you go through this separation. What is happening for you with that relationship? Have divorce papers been filed or just a legal separation?
I strong suggest you really create closure with that relationship first, before trying to start a new one. There are so many emotions and layers that come up over time, that are better deal with and felt when someone is alone. Adding another relationship into the mix can really cause some challenges.
Are you willing to stay friends for awhile until you really create some good closure with your ex?
My guess is, he does have feelings for you, but wanting to respect your space.
What are you wanting to do about your friend? It sounds really nourishing just as it is. Are you wanting things to change?
Heidi
Hi Eva!
Have you gone through “Irresistible Communication?” There is a lot of great insight and tips in those sections about how to communicate, how to get a man to open up and how to compliment, flirt etc. That might be a good place to start.
When you communicate, you can throw in compliments every once in awhile….no too much or it becomes ineffective. So saying something like “OMG! You went to a nature park?? That sounds amazing! I always liked that you connect to nature that way. I love that about you. Tell me about it! What kinds of things did you see? What was your favorite animal?”
So ask specific questions that require detail from him instead of a general, “how are you? or how was your nature trip?”
Does this approach give you some ideas??
Heidi
Hi Ana!
I think Christmas Day is a good day to text him! I would avoid texting his mom though. You don’t have that kind of relationship with him to be connecting personally with his mom. You can always say, “Tell your mom I said hi and merry Christmas as well!”
It sounds like you are both so confused about how each other feels. All you can do is deal with your end of things and that means learning how to flirt and say how you feel. It’s soooo important for a man to feel desired and attractive to his woman…and vice versa. How about you saying something like, “It’s Christmas today and I have to admit, that I miss your smiling face, feeling your tough and those gorgeous eyes of yours. Just thought I would tell you. Hope you have a wonderful day today.”
Starting to flirt can help him feel like he is getting some of his needs met and that you are shifting and changing. For example, instead of saying “How are you?” which is a very neutral question, you can say, “I was laying in bed this morning thinking about you and got a big smile on my face. How are you doing?”
How do you feel about starting to practice this with him every once in awhile?
Heidi
Hi Isotta!
Okay! This makes a lot of sense!
Do you have any clue how you came to those beliefs? That you don’t want to bother them or invade their privacy and that you need to tell them everything about yourself so they know what they are getting into? Those beliefs are full of lies and someone taught those to you along the way….or you picked that up from watching someone else or having personal experiences. For example, maybe you used to ask a lot of questions but your father started getting irritated and saying you are bothering him. You, as a child, would internalize that and carry that belief around with you into adulthood. So is there anything you can think of that would contribute to how you are functioning?
Here is the truth: people get to know each other in 2 different ways….1. Conversation: question and answer kind of style and 2. Experience: hanging out and doing thing together so you see how each other acts in several different types of situations.
So it’s important to have a good balance of both. Asking questions is so important. I definitely had a tendency to over-ask. I would go straight to the core and ask deep, personal questions because I wanted to know who they REALLY were. If they didn’t like it, they would tell me or make some kind of comment like “Are you writing a book or something?” In the end, those guys wouldn’t match well with me anyways. Truth is, I would venture to say that MOST people love talking about themselves. They enjoy sharing their ideas, opinions and having someone know their little quirks and patterns. Someone who doesn’t enjoy that process, is not ready for a relationship then. Relationship requires exchanging information and wanting to be known as well as knowing the other person.
I understand you get tired from answering so many questions, but that’s just because there are so many different guys and a lot of repeating the same things. It’s not a true account of how you would really feel if you were just dating 1 or 2 guys. Anytime I have gone online, I get exhausted!!! It’s a lot of energy!!!
In regards to you sharing a lot, maybe look at this a little differently. Your life, your personal information, your stories are precious and valuable. Your opinion and beliefs have been shaped over many years of experiences in your life. When you are getting to know someone, they need to earn the right to know the inner parts of what makes you who you are. You need to know they are a safe person to share personal information with. You need to know they are someone who you match well with before sharing those sacred parts of your heart. And those things can only be known and earned over time and experience together. AND….let’s not forget that mystery is what keeps a person engaged. Men love the chase….they WANT to earn that information….if you just blurt it all out and give them everything all the time, they won’t respect that because they will feel there is an unstable energy behind it. They will feel your self respect when you share bits and pieces at a time and make them earn the right for more. They LOVE that!!!
So here is something to think about….when a guy asks you a question, respond with 3 to 4 sentences MAX and then end with a question back to them. Let’s start with that formula and see how you feel about it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diana!
I get it! A lot men and women are really shy and that’s okay! Do you know how to flirt? Many times, you don’t need to do anything except smile at a guy to let him know you are interested. A confident man will walk up to you and say hello and start a conversation. Have you gone through our material and read at “Irresistible Communication?” It talks a lot about how to create small talk, how to communicate in ways that attract a man and so much more!
Also, Tinder is tough place. There was a survey done and at least 50% of people on Tinder are already in a serious relationship. It is quite common for someone to connect and write but not want to meet in person. Many people are on Tinder either to just hoop up or get attention, but not take anything seriously. If you are looking for something more serious, you might want to try something like eHarmony. Have you ever tried speed dating?
Have you also tried finding groups of people to hang out with? There is something like meetup.com where you just join a group for fun. Many times, because there is no pressure of dating, you feel comfortable and act like yourself and can meet someone that way. What kinds of activities do you like to do? What do you do for fun?
Heidi
Wow Isotta!
This is so much fun! It sounds like you are waking up to a new level! This is all really about you activating your divine feminine energy. Just to be clear, being female does not mean you need to wear makeup or wear certain clothes or even flirt. Those are all parts of us that are super fun, but that is how we can adorn our feminine selves….it is not the core of femininity. Haven’t you seen beautiful women who don’t wear makeup and they could even be in sports clothes and they just emanate this beautiful female, soft but strong, confident yet vulnerable, warrior maiden yet nurturer? It’s an inside thing that happens. My guess is…this is the part of you that has been asleep for a long time…and my guess is, it got shut down when you started getting bullied. So now it’s time to wake that part of you back up again! I’m so excited for you! I love that you are learning all of these new things to bring you deeper in yourself and feel what it feels like to flirt, to put on makeup and to value the other sides to yourself that have been more shut off.
I would like to know more about how you interacted with me. You said that you focused on you a lot. Tell me more about that. Why do you think you talked about yourself a lot? And what has shifted in you? How are you experiencing yourself now with this guy or other guys?
I love all that you are sharing!!! Thank you for being here!
Heidi
Hi Sharon,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s so difficult to watch your relationship start to fall apart.
Can you share more details? It will help us guide you better….
Do you feel your relationship was crappy as well? How does he feel it was crappy? What exactly was he asking of you that he is saying you weren’t able to do for him?
I’m wondering if losing all of that weight, if it has made him feel more confident in himself and igniting a need of his to expand his life more. DO you think that has anything to do with it?
Heidi
Hi Ruth,
I understand how deep your desires are to be with him and to be with a man that is able to give you that wonderful experience of love. I understand all of your fears as well. I know you don’t want to lose him.
I am going to say what you most likely don’t want to hear, but if you take this approach, you actually might be able to get his attention back.
First, understand that he said very clearly, he doesn’t feel safe with you. If you don’t work on dealing with your emotions and reactions of how you treat him when you don’t get what you want, then you will never get to keep him…and rightly so. He is correct in staying away from anyone who he doesn’t feel safe with. That goes for anyone. So that is first place you need to really look at. Would you mind sharing why he would feel that way? How did you react? What were you doing that would make him feel scared of you?
Second, the way you are talking, it is evident you are wanting HIM to make you feel better. You are talking from a mentality of “You complete me.” You don’t know who you are, how to be happy, how to feel loved separate than him. When you rely on someone else to supply you with your happiness and love, especially to the point of desperation…..the relationship will never last because it is being built on a very unstable foundation.
Here is the path I want to recommend for you…..start to learn how to fill that void yourself. You are so desperate to be loved and cared for and when you rely on someone else to do that for you, you are setting yourself up for failure. He will ALWAYS disappoint you because he is just human. Relationships have a TON of challenge, disappointment, hurt and upset. If he is the one who keeps filling that void, each time he disappoints you….that void will go empty and you will lose yourself in your feelings and desperation will take over. If you fill that void YOURSELF….when he disappoints you and hurts you….you will still be solid and connected to yourself and know how to manage your emotions in a healthy way so you don’t cause harm to anyone else. Making you happy and giving you what you want is not his job. That is his job. When 2 people take responsibility for themselves and how they feel, they can then come together and compliment each other vs. completing each other.
The way you both functioned with each other was not a design that could last. So if you want to get him back, then it’s about YOU changing, not him. You have to earn his trust back by first accepting him for who he is. If he doesn’t want to commit then either respect that or let him go. If you want to stick with it, then accept your choice and learn how to start filling that emptiness inside of you with your own self love. Then you won’t be putting so much pressure on him. When he feels that you are stable, solid and connected to yourself, he won’t feel the pressure, he will feel safe with you and most likely would love to be in relationship with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
This sounds like a really good plan. Giving him breathing room, still responding when he initiates and if it feels good for you, you can head there in the spring time.
In the meantime, treat yourself really well. Your heart is hurting and needs a lot of love and compassion from you right now. Make sure you do special things for yourself that bring comfort. I know for me, when I find ways to help other people, it helps heal my heart. You can do something as simple as going to guy a few dozen roses and then go hand 1 out to different people “just because.” You will get a million smiles and that is healing! Go volunteer at an animal shelter and maybe you can help walk the dogs or play with cats. Fill your house with beautiful bouquets of flowers, take baths with candles and good music to relax. Maybe go learn a new skill…what about ballroom dancing? or something artistic like pottery? The more fun you bring into your life, the more you activate your creativity, the more you are giving, the faster you will heal. Just some thoughts….
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Wow! This is a shock! 18 years is a lot of time to invest in someone. I’m sure your heart is deeply hurting. I am so sorry you have to go through this!
It will help to have more detail so we can better guide you.
Why do you think he is unhappy with you? What specifically are areas that didn’t work well in the relationship? Is he willing to work on the relationship with you at all? Or is he just spending time with both of you to see who he wants to choose?
I want to encourage you to consider setting some boundaries. As long as he gets to go be with his girlfriend and come home and be with you as well….and have you fighting for him and trying to make him happy….there is no need for him to change. He gets to go to his girlfriend when he wants and then he gets to go to you when he wants. Why would he change a thing??? He gets to have everything he wants and both women are participating in this design.
As long as you choose to participate, you are not supporting yourself, your heart and your needs. You are abandoning yourself. You are not respecting yourself. When you don’t respect you, there is no way he will. Have you read through the respect principle yet in this program? What about the Relationship Rewrite section?
First and foremost, the most foundational part of a relationship working is you treating yourself the way you want to be treated, therefore causing someone to be in alignment with you, or the relationship won’t last.
Are you willing to set some boundaries?? Maybe consider no longer being intimate? Maybe sitting down and having a heart to heart about what is missing in your relationship? Finding out if he is willing to work on the relationship with you? Truth is, your relationship has no chance unless he gives up the other woman. He needs to shut the door on her in order to move forward with you. It will be impossible to grow with you as long as his attentions are elsewhere.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rhea,
Yes, you are stuck. There is no way around this situation as it is just a big risk. Only time will tell where this can lead. I’m not saying to pull away and just be friends. What I am saying is to keep part of your heart reserved. I would suggest to keep hanging with him for sure but also make sure he doesn’t become your whole world. Go out with other people, plan fun things to do without him, still go on other dates and keep living your life. When he becomes that person that you ALWAYS turn to, have fun with and bond with, there is no way you won’t fall in love with him at this pace and maybe vice versa. So the way to just slow it down a bit is to keep your social life big and open. You can also just communicate that to him as well. Saying something like, “Listen, I love spending time with you and honestly, I would spend all my time with you. This is an intense season for you. You have had a HUGE loss and a lot to deal with at work. There is a possibility that I am a good band-aid for you at this moment and that is something I am not willing to be for anybody. I want something real, deep and solid. I definitely feel that is possible with you and I hope that’s the direction you and I continue to head in, but I’m just going to be a little more careful with my heart and slow this down a bit. That just means I’m going to keep making plans with other people and might not be as available. It doesn’t mean I am not interested and completely happy being with you. It just means I am giving us the breathing room and the time to get to know each other under these very unusual circumstances.”
How does something like that make you feel???
Bottom line is though….it’s a higher risk situation. What you need to know Rhea, is that you can handle whatever shows up. There are no guarantees…ever. So when people are dealing with fear about a situation, I always connect them back into their own power reminding them….”You have the strength, the skillset, people around you who are there to support you…..you can handle whatever shows up in your life and be okay.” So even if you decide to continue this, it’s about you staying connected to yourself and having that TRUST with yourself, that no matter what happens, you will be okay.
Heidi
Hi Snejana,
I completely understand your struggle. It is a much more natural thing for women to grow and learn about themselves and taking action for change…especially in relationship. I’m glad he at least admitted to his challenges. That’s a start however, as you are now experiencing, it’s not enough. If he is the type to hold grudges, it makes it near impossible to be in relationship with him. You will spend much of your time paying the price for something. He holds onto that hurt like a GIANT wall and then you spend all of your time to break it down and then something happens again and it all goes right back up. All the work you did to break it down can be undone in a matter of seconds, even though it takes months to undo. No one can thrive in that type of design.
No one can tell you what to do. You are unhappy and you have a choice to make. You either stay and accept this is who he is and keep working on your relationship. He may change over time. Are you guys still seeing a therapist? Would he be willing to take any sort of action to work on his ability to forgive? If he isn’t, then he is who he is and he gets to be that way and would be a good time to leave. Right now, you are living your entire the relationship for him. You are doing whatever makes HIM comfortable, you are doing whatever HE needs and you are completely ignoring yourself and that is why you keep hurting. You are not willing to fight for yourself and speak up and set some boundaries of how you want to be treated. It’s because you know you might lose him if you actually set a standard and asked for your needs to be met. That makes me sad for you. You deserve to have your voice heard, your feelings to be known and honored and to be fought for….and those are things he is not providing for you AND those are things you are not willing to do for yourself….so he cannot give you something you are not asking for. I’m not saying he will respond well, but you never know. You are not respecting yourself so how can he respect you?
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
