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Hi Lingda,
Thank you for more information. This is definitely going to take some time.
As far as your psychiatrist, no matter what they think they are seeing about his relationship with his ex, she still is a factor in this situation because he is choosing her over you. Even if they do fight a lot and have problems, the FACT is, he is still going back to her. So there is definitely a conflict in his heart. It sounds like he has a connection with BOTH of you and he gets to go back and forth between you and her.
How does that make you feel? His attention is split. When he gets scared or uncomfortable with you, he will go back to her….when he gets sick of fighting with her, he will come back to you. That’s a challenge HE has to face. Yes, I’m sure there are things you need to do to be a better partner, but you can get better all you want…that does not change him and his behaviors.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
This is great information! Thank you for sharing more.
I get his perspective about being a man. I definitely suggest that you let him take the lead on all of this. You keep being his friend and being responsive and a flirty. It will help him feel pretty good to have a lady who desires him, especially in the condition he is in right now. Have patience.
Who knows what he will need to go through in order to feel like himself again. Moments like these are actually very big gifts for people. He is defining his manhood through the wrong channels. Muscles in his legs, ability to play sports etc. is not what defines a man. So now is a good time to help him have a new definition. Maybe you can watch some movies where the man is disabled and still very much a man (Men of Honor is a great movie!). Maybe you can find him articles to read or short youtube videos that talk about what it means to be a man. There are tons men in the military that have lost limbs. Many men who have lost a leg or 2, also end up losing their penis because that blast goes from the ground on up…the legs aren’t the only thing they lose. Most people have no clue about this very common experience. They have to somehow figure out how to feel like a man again without the one piece of anatomy that makes them a man.\
Does this make sense about the direction I am taking you?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
I understand completely. Falling in love with someone else is not the answer. There is ALWAYS a way to find healing within yourself without needing someone else to do it for you.
Here is the basic answer to your pattern with this guy. He is giving you something you are not willing to give yourself. When you are reaching out to him again, my guess is, you really are desiring and wanting to feel connected, wanted, desired, loved….so you are reaching out to get your needs met. You need to be meeting these needs yourself now instead of reaching out to him to do it for you. What you are doing is very common and normal.
You also have a part of you that doesn’t love yourself very well. That part is what is driving you to connect to a man who is unavailable for you. Some part of you is trying to get the guy to pay attention to you and keep him hooked on you. Some part of you is using him for your self esteem. Every time he responds to you, doesn’t have a lot of power? Doesn’t it feel really good? It’s like a drug. So basically, that low self esteem part of you is MUCH stronger than the adult part of you who knows this is not a healthy thing for you. The wounded part, the child part that holds all the feelings, is stronger. So when I work with people who are making decisions that are not in alignment with what they know and want, I go straight to the wounded / child part and we get to know why that part exists and where it all started. Many times it is poor role modeling by parents.
So, let me just ask you this….how is your relationship with your parents? What about when you were younger? I know my pops was an emotionally unavailable / narcissist….so who do I end up dating? The same kind of guys. I did A LOT of DEEP healing work to change those patterns for myself. Does this make sense? Is your coach helping you to connect to this part of yourself that is in control and keeping you in this pattern?
Heidi
I can’t tell you how many times the woman feels like she is not “pressuring” the guy and the guy can see right through it.
When you have the mindset of “He needs to earn my trust, my attention, my heart” you end up making him work for it instead of you doing all of the work. You have this belief that you messed up and it’s something you are trying to “fix” and prove to him that it’s all okay. What’s done is done right? Yes, you messed up, but who cares!! We all do it and it’s not that big of a deal. He also messed up with having just as much of an overreaction than you did…right?
So why not let him go and stop trying so hard. If you keep being the only one to initiate, he will feel your “neediness.” You are investing quite a bit of energy into him without receiving very much in return. Yes, he is responsive which is great! AND…it’s time he starts making some effort.
So why not experiment with something. Why not wait until he initiates. See how long it takes. He needs to feel like he misses you and you need to really decide if this guy is worth it for you. Yes, you had a wonderful connection, but you also deserve to be with a guy who loves to be around you and knows it and wants it and fights for it. Give this guy the chance to do that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Holy smokes you are doing so much! I LOVE all of those people!!!! They all have some wonderful pieces of healing to offer. Have you ever looked at John Gottman?? To me, he is one of my favorites for relationship advice as he has the longest and most in depth study of relationships in existence. His information is spot on and super helpful!!! Brilliant stuff! A lot of similarities as well with the Hendrix’s!!! you are kicking ass!!!!
I just have a few thoughts. I have taken the same path as you. I have spent over 20 years of researching and engaging every type of method possible for my healing. My childhood was intensely dark and challenging, so if I was every going to heal, I needed a TON of help. I will never stop growing. I will never stop learning and I will never stop healing. It is a life long process.
Here is a danger that you may already be aware of. There can also be the flip side where you end up getting addicted to fixing yourself that you never really have peace. This was something I had to face about my choices and still something I have to keep in check. There will ALWAYS be something fix, so my “need” to constantly change and heal kept me in a loop of dysfunction as well, because I didn’t ever feel I was healed enough. Does this make sense? I’m just saying this for you to be aware, if you already aren’t.
I’m also going to say something I know you may not like to hear. I have very limited information about this situation, so understand it’s coming from that perspective. I would like to invite you to possibly consider that a relationship with may never be possible. He may never have the strength to offer you what you want. He may never repair his inside enough to be able to match your capacity of love. I understand that connection you have with him. I have had that before. I wish it were enough. Life would be much easier that way wouldn’t it? It’s just not. He may take YEARS before he feels repaired enough to love again. Are you willing to put your life on hold like that? I’m not saying you should disconnect from him as that is not for me to ever say. But since you are someone who is interested in deep diving, I’ll go there with you and ask you the deeper questions for further exploration….that’s all this is.
You also say you are not interested in fixing him, yet you are essentially putting your entire life on hold for him, you are here looking for advice about how to stay connected, you are investing an INCREDIBLE amount of energy to keep this thing going with him. To me, that’s a lot of fixing isn’t it? It may not be directly fixing him, but you are trying to fix the relationship somehow. Yes? If no, then give me a different perspective, so I can be more clear.
If I were to look at the facts, I would be seeing that you, being the very resilient, powerful and resourceful, is choosing to stay connected and engaged in a relationship with a man who is not available for her and who has a VERY LONG ways to go and may never be available. That would be the core issue I would want to work on with you. I understand your connection and belief about how much you both fit for each other. I have worked in this field for so long and have seen that many times, however other components need to exist for a relationship to happen, and those components do not exist in your situation. You are incredibly intelligent….so if you were me and given the facts you have offered me, what kind of guidance would you offer to yourself?
I never really go to this type of topic, but I thought I would ask you. Have you ever ventured into the realms of energy healing? I have found that with healing, there is always the mental, physical and spiritual components right? Have you ever tried Akashic Records, psychic healers etc.? It’s a GIANT resource, but not everybody believes in that kind of stuff, so I’m just curious about your thoughts on those kinds of things.
Heidi
Hi Marie,
It sounds like you guys had a really good conversation about what happened. Do you feel like he understood what happened with your reaction? Do you feel like you understood him better?
It sounds like there might be something else happening as well. Do you know if he tends to hold grudges at all? Could you tell by how he talked about people from his past, ex girlfriends, family etc.?
He seems super gunshy. I know you may think he is super great and I’m sure he is, but the 1 thing I am ALWAYS looking for is how someone handles stress. How do they treat me, themselves and others involved in the situation. Yes, you freaked him out. What would stop him from just saying something about it? My guess is, he just felt like he had too much to deal with and maybe that is why he chose the path he did instead of being honest with you and maybe figuring out and CARING about what your experience was of him vs. just pulling the plug. I am wondering if he is just conflict shy. I’m wondering if he is someone who tends to run from things and put walls up so he doesn’t have to face himself or others.
What are your thoughts about that?
heidi
Hi Lingda,
I’m so glad you are hear and sharing your story. I just want to make sure of a few things first before offering any kind of guidance.
1. What does your psychiatrist feel the core problem with the relationship is?
2. I do see his ex girlfriend as a problem. It sounds like he is really hooked on her and really wants to be with her more than anyone. Even though you guys had a good thing going, this ex girlfriend seems to have quite the hold on his heart. Would you agree or disagree?
3. I’m confused about the personal trainer. You said he harassed you? But you thought he was a good trainer so stayed with him? I believe I am clear that he is out of picture correct? It doesn’t sound like he was an option or anything, since he was already in a relationship, so I’m not sure he matters in your situation.
4. where does he live? Do you see him anymore?
5. It sounds like things are still amicable between you guys….correct? Does he still contact you to say hi and vice versa?
6. How long has he known his current girlfriend? It sounds like they have been on and off for awhile….correct?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Thanks for sharing your story?
Does your best friend know about your attraction to her cousin and what’s going on? Is he still in a relationship? How old are you guys?
I think you are doing a great job! You are supporting him during a very difficult time and that is one of the best ways to bond and create a good friendship. You are also flirting and having fun which keeps him engaged and keeps you out of the friend box. Also, whenever someone is telling you about their struggles, one of the BEST ways you can help them is just to ask more questions and be a good listener. Whenever you tell someone that what they are feeling isn’t true, it defeats the purpose. So when he says something like, “I don’t feel like a man right now” instead of saying “you are a man….” you can say “Wow…tell me more about that. What exactly do you feel is missing? What do you need to feel like a man again? Do you think all those feelings are actually true or just based on some social programming?” And that can even lead into a discussion where you say “that really makes me think about what makes me feel like a woman….” So you end up joining him in his journey vs. contradicting what he is feeling. It’s a really powerful technique. When you allow someone the space to feel whatever they need to feel, without trying to fix them, it builds trust, it helps them go deeper into what they are feeling and they feel safe to be who they really are. And when you ask deeper questions about what and how and why they are feeling certain ways, it helps them know you are actually interested and that, in and of itself, can be very healing to have someone WANT to know you. Make sense?
What is the main reason he feels not ready to date you?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Irresistible communication is a separate book. It should be in your library. If not, let me know and I’ll find out more info. for you!
Since you don’t quite know how to flirt, it might help to get some role modeling. Watch romantic movies and how the men and women flirt to get the communication started. Flirting is all about a FEELING. My guess is, your shyness becomes much stronger than the feeling to connect and flirt.
So let’s talk about that a bit more. When you feel shy, my guess is, you don’t feel like you deserve the attention? What goes through your mind when you become shy? Are you always shy or just around a man you are attracted to?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Great questions! First and foremost, he is your boss, therefore you are risking your job if you get involved with him. If that’s okay for you and you have other options, then great! If you really need this job and want to stay, then it’s important you shut those thoughts off immediately and let him know you are not an option for him.
If you want to pursue this, then the next thing I would suggest is to find out somehow, what this behavior is. Does he drink? Is he on any medication? Do you know why he got divorced? Does he treat his kids the same way where he is up and down with his moods?
What do you do when he says something that doesn’t make you happy? What kinds of things does he say?It’s CRUCIAL you find out more before you move anything forward. He really may not be a healthy option for you.
Heidi
Hi Renee,
I am so sorry for all that you both are going through. I’m so glad you both found EMDR as that is one of the most powerful methods I have come across (in the right hands of course). Is he still seeing his therapist? Are you seeing your therapist now as well?
From his perspective and what you shared, it makes total sense that he needs to feel like he can get his life in order before marrying you. You guys do have this very strong pattern of breaking up for short periods of time. Once you are married, it’s not as much of an option. Before marrying him, I would suggest making it a goal to go an entire year without ever breaking up. As long as that is an option in both of your minds, then there is no solidarity there. Things are going to be messy considering all that you guys have been through. Being able to stay together during the messiness is a pretty crucial part of a marriage is going to work. So it sounds like you guys aren’t ready for marriage yet. It really might be best to continue figuring out your relationship and continue to slowly heal all the wounds and low self esteem. Maybe consider taking marriage off the table for now?? That, in and of itself, might give him some relief. Just a thought.
As far as all of our techniques working with this particular situation….yes, it does! And it sounds like you are doing brilliantly with all of them. The communication sounds great, you are encouraging, you are supportive, you are giving him some breathing room. You are doing everything you possibly can to support him….the rest is up to him. The techniques itself cannot heal his low self esteem, as I’m sure you already know that. But by interacting with him the way you are, it definitely sounds like it’s keeping you guys connected and in a good friendship. There really is an element here that although you guys are broken up, with as many times as that has happened, you guys always stay connected and return to each other. It’s a pretty strong pattern, so I can’t imagine any of that is going to change. If there is anyone who is able to be with him, it’s you. He is so broken and needs to do that deep emotional surgery to repair those “broken” parts. That is going to take a lot of time. As long as he is working on it and continuing to see his therapist, then he can heal. I have no doubt your patience and acceptance of his process is important to him.
This is also good for you in the sense that you get to face your anxiety. It’s a great opportunity for you to also dig in really deep and heal those parts of you driven by fear. What are you doing to help yourself with the anxiety? How are you taking care of yourself?
Heidi
Hi Isotta!
What I want you to pay attention to is how you feel when responding with such short messages. Notice any discomfort, notice your thoughts about it, notice what your tendencies are, notice how you might want to keep writing more and ask yourself why….by paying attention to this process, you will learn quite a bit about yourself! It can help shed some light about all the layers involved in your perceptions. Keep us updated because we can walk you through this process and help you connect to the deeper parts of yourself.
As far as your height, I understand completely. I’m 5’10” and although I do live in America where men are much taller than 5’4″ (yikes) I do feel your struggle about being with a guy that is just too small. I have dealt with that many, many times in my life. Most men never have cared! They LOVED how much taller I was! Doesn’t matter though….I have to go with what is comfortable for me. I have worked very hard and letting go of the height thing and it jus is still there….oh well! I’m going to just be me!
So my recommendation is yes, put a height requirement on your profile. It’s important for you to be honest and not waste anyone’s time. I would say something like, “Being that I am very tall, for my own comfort, I am interested in men 5’8″ or taller.” Or something to that affect. Try it out! It’s nothing permanent….you can always change things if you feel you want to…but it might save you some time and energy to just be upfront about it from the beginning.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Isotta!
I just wanted to clarify quickly that 3-4 sentences is enough to respond with, NOT paragraphs. Texting is not a way to get to know someone. Keeping your answers short and simple while texting is so important and then when you are face to face, you can expand on those answers. I can’t tell you how many men get really turned off when they receive paragraphs from women and they feel they can’t keep up. Also, there is a concept sales people use all the time. They give just enough information, but also leave a bit of mystery to get the customer to want more. It’s a brilliant technique! So you want to do the same with a guy. Giving a few sentences but making him wonder about more, is what you want.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kathy,
It sounds like you have such a wonderful connection with him. He may be keeping his distance, as he should, to allow you go through this separation. What is happening for you with that relationship? Have divorce papers been filed or just a legal separation?
I strong suggest you really create closure with that relationship first, before trying to start a new one. There are so many emotions and layers that come up over time, that are better deal with and felt when someone is alone. Adding another relationship into the mix can really cause some challenges.
Are you willing to stay friends for awhile until you really create some good closure with your ex?
My guess is, he does have feelings for you, but wanting to respect your space.
What are you wanting to do about your friend? It sounds really nourishing just as it is. Are you wanting things to change?
Heidi
Hi Eva!
Have you gone through “Irresistible Communication?” There is a lot of great insight and tips in those sections about how to communicate, how to get a man to open up and how to compliment, flirt etc. That might be a good place to start.
When you communicate, you can throw in compliments every once in awhile….no too much or it becomes ineffective. So saying something like “OMG! You went to a nature park?? That sounds amazing! I always liked that you connect to nature that way. I love that about you. Tell me about it! What kinds of things did you see? What was your favorite animal?”
So ask specific questions that require detail from him instead of a general, “how are you? or how was your nature trip?”
Does this approach give you some ideas??
Heidi
