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Great questions Isotta!
1. There is a bit of an art to deciding whether or not to initiate conversation….but mostly in the beginning of getting to know someone. I would not suggest to ask him how his New Year’s went. You guys already had that conversation about your New Year’s. That would have been the time to ask him that question in return. Now…a few days have already passed and it’s a closed subject, so if you bring it up, it may come across to him like you are making up reasons to contact him. Next time you actually see him, just ask him that question then. In the beginning, it’s important to watch the dynamics of the relationship. If you end up ALWAYS initiating, then you never give space for the guy to initiate much and then you never really know how he feels about you. It’s important for the guy to initiate. He needs to feel and know that he is interested in you and you need to know he is interested….if you take the lead on that, it doesn’t really allow for that dynamic to happen…the guy can just sort of sit back and relax and know that he doesn’t have to really work for you. That’s mainly why it’s important for the guy to initiate in the beginning….it gets him in the chase and they need to feel that. Now….with that being said, understand that is also a generalization and there are a gazillion situations that may not fit that model. So that’s where your feminine intuition and skillset can help you know what will work best. For your particular situation at the moment, being that you are just friends with benefits, I would sit back and relax and allow him the space to initiate. When he does, you just be your wonderful, responsive and flirty self. Allow that dynamic to develop.
2. I think any advice from books and coaches and science is all good stuff! It’s like anything….the information can help some and not help others. The information may match a situation perfectly and then it won’t. So whenever I read about this topic, or any topic for that matter, I don’t make it the end all be all…I just put it away as part of new knowledge and I know at some point it will be useful information for me. With relationships and love, there are so many dynamics at play. If it doesn’t work out, it could be because of attachment style differences, it could be simply bad timing, it could be that they are not ready for a deep experience, it could be that they are not completely over an ex…there are so many reasons things do and don’t work beyond attachment style. The goal is to pay attention to yourself, know yourself and your tendencies and to honor all of it. The more you know yourself, the more you can know someone else. Knowing your needs is a part of that process. It’s important to understand what works and doesn’t work for you in a relationship. So basically, what I am saying is that piece of advice is just 1 perspective…not THE perspective to take when looking at relationship dynamics. Don’t make it the end all be all information and way to view relationship. Just make it another way to get to know yourself and use it as 1 perspective alongside many other perspectives. Does that make sense?
3. The higher purpose is balance. Sometimes people forget what they are doing and the reasons for challenging themselves. You are looking for growing and expanding how you interact with men. So the higher purpose for me guiding you from going from excessive answering to very little answering, is so you can find the balance or the midpoint between the 2 extremes. Many times people will resist going to the opposite extreme, so when I explain that it’s just for a season, it may be uncomfortable for a bit, but there is a higher purpose (finding the middle), they understand the exercise better.
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Yes….self care and self love is a DAILY choice. It is a real relationship. If you were with a guy and loved him, every single day you would do something to tell him, connect with him, show him, ask about his day, want to know how he is feeling etc. “Small things often” is what Dr. John Gottman talks about when he refers to his studies of how to make a relationship last. The same principle applies to the relationship with yourself. It is a daily and forever kind of thing.
I do want to help you understand that just because you think you are at peace about who your parents are, there are still some very active layers that have not quite been resolved. Consciously, you are at peace, but subconsciously, you know there are some unresolved feelings because you have symptoms….your symptoms are the kind of men that you choose. My guess is, there are still some areas of your subconscious that you haven’t connected to that hold those hurt feelings about events in your past…and that part is strong enough to influence the kind of men you choose. I know that many times I have resolved something consciously, but I am then looking at some of my choices that tell me there are still some pieces left….so I go into deeper exploration and discover all the unfinished business.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Okay…I get how difficult all of that would be without being able to see him in person. This is a bit of a tricky situation here. He doesn’t quite feel himself and is definitely not feeling like his good self. So this could make him a bit more shy. So that might mean you have to initiate more to keep letting him know you are interested. Maybe as he starts to feel more “manly” he will feel more confident to ask you out. He is responsive, you guys do flirt, so there is an attraction there on both sides….would you agree?
Do you know how to bake? What if you made some cookies or something and mailed it to him and leave a little note inside saying something flirty like, “Now that you are feeling better, I figured a few cookies might give you the energy to take me out on the town sometime. ;)”
I want to say to give it a little more time. If he didn’t have this injury he was dealing with, I would say otherwise. I want to say that you need to see who he is and how he treats you when everything normal is in his world. I think that sending him a message once a week or so is okay for now….that will change soon, but just for now….stay flirty and stay connected….just a little longer.
Make sense?
heidi
Hi Diana,
If you scroll down, you will see a title that says “Irresistible Communication and Bonuses.” Click on that, and you will get all kinds of fun stuff to learn about!
So it sounds like your shyness is about a lack of self love. It sounds like you are really driven by what other people think of you. When someone likes you and wants to be with you, you have confidence. When you are alone and don’t have that, you don’t have a lot of confidence. If you are really interested in changing your shyness, it’s about connecting to yourself and finding confidence from yourself instead of relying on other people to give it to you. The problem is, when other people are your source for how you think of yourself, you are ALWAYS going to be let down…because people will let you down….people have judgments about you and they don’t even know you…so it’s not a good source of truth. So strengthening your vision about how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, liking who you are, loving who you are….it gives a solidness INSIDE that allows you to be in this world and not worry so much about what other people think. You can sit in a café all by yourself and not care what others think. You can wear whatever you want and love what you wear and feel confident about it. You can be involved in a conversation with a few people and know that you are worth hearing from.
Yes, you can learn some skills about how to flirt, but that is not going to change how you feel about yourself. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Lingda,
What you do is up to you. Bottom line is….do you feel that you are loving yourself by being connected to a man that is back and forth so much? Do you feel like sitting around trying to fight for a guy who left and is with an ex girlfriend now, is something that is making your spirit stronger and is a loving thing to do for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Alexa!
Let’s talk about trust just for a second. Trust, bottom line, is about trusting yourself. When people talk with me about not being sure if they can trust their guy not to cheat or trust their woman not to be passive aggressive, I always bring it back to this….people are going to let you down, life is going to hurt, unmet expectations will bring an incredible amount of heartache. When you put your trust in others and life itself, it’s guaranteed to get broken. And that’s okay! It’s just part of the human experience…but here is where trust will NEVER get broken….trusting in yourself that no matter what happens in your life, you will be okay. That is where your trust always needs to be, first and foremost. I have been through so much healing work that now, I have a TON of skills to handle stress. It allows me to go through life knowing that I will always be okay. I absolutely have rough patches, but I definitely get through them much easier and faster than most people because I have those skills, I have people who hold me accountable and I have an internal strength and trust in myself that I have been through hell and if I can not only survive that, but turn all those many moments into gifts in my life, then I can do anything!
Here is an analogy to help you understand about who you attract in your life. Imagine we are all these big beautiful diamonds. We come into this world clean, sparkly and bright. Then trauma happens, hurt happens, life happens….and black, sticky tar gets gobbed onto our diamond when this happens. As we become adults there is plenty of tar that is covering our diamond. Now…..the only difference between me and you and the next person, is how much tar we choose to carry through our lives. So that’s where people end up matching up….they find partners who have a similar amount of tar on their diamonds. So the goal is, to get a chisel and a hammer and start working on getting that crap off….so your beautiful, sparkly diamond is what attracts your partner, not the tar. Make sense?
Yes, I worked with a PTSD therapist for years, one on one. I still work with her. I do it over the phone or FACETIME. I have searched everywhere for healers and found many great ones, but she is brilliant with this type of stuff and helps me remove all that crap faster than anyone I have ever known. It’s deep work. It’s hard and it’s uncomfortable, however very possible and worth every bit of it. She can get you there for sure, but you have to really commit. If it’s okay with you, I can talk to the administrators of this site and get your email address and then I can send the information that way. Is that okay?
Heidi
Hi Alexa,
Thanks for sharing all of that. I am so, so sorry for all you have been through! It all makes complete sense now!
You do not have the ability to love. You don’t trust men. You don’t trust love. All of that trust was broken a loooong time ago. Because you haven’t healed from the initial traumas, those emotions connected to those traumas are still VERY REAL and choosing your world for you. That wounded part of you that is carrying around all of that hurt, is VERY STRONG. That part of you is MUCH STRONGER than the part of you that does want love and connection in a healthy way. So this part of you will always choose a man who is unavailable because that is safe…there is no danger of love coming from something like that. However, that part of you knows that there is a danger of real love happening with a guy who IS available for you, so there is no way that part of you will allow that to happen. You have very split energy and that is very normal when dealing with major truamas.
How do you feel about seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD? You need some deeper help if you are going to get to the root of this challenge you are facing.
You need to be at rock bottom, because this is place that can be most powerful for transformation and change. I’ve been there a few times and I’m so sorry you are there. It’s hard and there is no way out of it except for you fighting for yourself in a way like you never have before. There is a way out. There is a way to heal. I have done it and I can tell you, ever tear shed, every moment where I wanted to quit but didn’t, has brought me to this very moment where I can say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. My past traumas still affect me sometimes, but it no longer controls me. It doesn’t define my ability to love, it doesn’t keep me in my low self esteem….I healed enough to be able to live my life in the way I wanted, instead of from a place of trauma. I have freedom now. You can have the same.
Are you willing to work with someone privately who can guide you through the healing process?
I understand your thoughts about children. I faced that same thing. I am now 44 and no longer have an interest of having a child of my own and I am 100% okay with that. I am choosing for my life to have a different purpose other than being a mother. A healthy place to be with that is being okay whether it happens or not. Your open to the idea of children and you are also open to the idea of NOT having children. At this point, you have some very important things to do for yourself right now, so falling in love and creating a family needs to be something you create from a healthy place….not a wounded place. Make sense?
Heidi
Brilliant!!!! Well done Isotta! How do you feel about your choice?
I understand your need to “balance.” I find that interesting that you end up over responding and over connecting in efforts to create balance. So now, under respond for awhile. Get comfortable with it! At first, it will be VERY uncomfortable…but there is a higher purpose here.
If you were on 1 extreme of over responding, then it’s important to go to the other extreme (just for a bit) of under responding….THEN when you get to know yourself in this way and get more comfortable with it….you can then find the balance you are seeking. You will never know what the “middle” feels like until you know what the opposite extremes feel like right?
Also….just another thought to help you along….when someone offers you a compliment, it is ALWAYS more powerful when you just receive. If you respond immediately by giving them a compliment back, you don’t actually receive the compliment they are giving you. So if you receive a compliment, sit with it, feel it, appreciate it and respond with “Wow…you just put a huge smile on my face. Thank you so much for saying that!” And leave it at that….only offer compliments to someone when it is authentic for you…when you are actually feeling what you want to say and you are saying it just because you want them to know….not because you are trying to keep the “balance.”
Does any of this help you understand the higher purpose a bit more?? You really did a great job!!!
Heidi
Hi Lingda,
Thank you for more information. This is definitely going to take some time.
As far as your psychiatrist, no matter what they think they are seeing about his relationship with his ex, she still is a factor in this situation because he is choosing her over you. Even if they do fight a lot and have problems, the FACT is, he is still going back to her. So there is definitely a conflict in his heart. It sounds like he has a connection with BOTH of you and he gets to go back and forth between you and her.
How does that make you feel? His attention is split. When he gets scared or uncomfortable with you, he will go back to her….when he gets sick of fighting with her, he will come back to you. That’s a challenge HE has to face. Yes, I’m sure there are things you need to do to be a better partner, but you can get better all you want…that does not change him and his behaviors.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
This is great information! Thank you for sharing more.
I get his perspective about being a man. I definitely suggest that you let him take the lead on all of this. You keep being his friend and being responsive and a flirty. It will help him feel pretty good to have a lady who desires him, especially in the condition he is in right now. Have patience.
Who knows what he will need to go through in order to feel like himself again. Moments like these are actually very big gifts for people. He is defining his manhood through the wrong channels. Muscles in his legs, ability to play sports etc. is not what defines a man. So now is a good time to help him have a new definition. Maybe you can watch some movies where the man is disabled and still very much a man (Men of Honor is a great movie!). Maybe you can find him articles to read or short youtube videos that talk about what it means to be a man. There are tons men in the military that have lost limbs. Many men who have lost a leg or 2, also end up losing their penis because that blast goes from the ground on up…the legs aren’t the only thing they lose. Most people have no clue about this very common experience. They have to somehow figure out how to feel like a man again without the one piece of anatomy that makes them a man.\
Does this make sense about the direction I am taking you?
Heidi
Hi Marie,
I understand completely. Falling in love with someone else is not the answer. There is ALWAYS a way to find healing within yourself without needing someone else to do it for you.
Here is the basic answer to your pattern with this guy. He is giving you something you are not willing to give yourself. When you are reaching out to him again, my guess is, you really are desiring and wanting to feel connected, wanted, desired, loved….so you are reaching out to get your needs met. You need to be meeting these needs yourself now instead of reaching out to him to do it for you. What you are doing is very common and normal.
You also have a part of you that doesn’t love yourself very well. That part is what is driving you to connect to a man who is unavailable for you. Some part of you is trying to get the guy to pay attention to you and keep him hooked on you. Some part of you is using him for your self esteem. Every time he responds to you, doesn’t have a lot of power? Doesn’t it feel really good? It’s like a drug. So basically, that low self esteem part of you is MUCH stronger than the adult part of you who knows this is not a healthy thing for you. The wounded part, the child part that holds all the feelings, is stronger. So when I work with people who are making decisions that are not in alignment with what they know and want, I go straight to the wounded / child part and we get to know why that part exists and where it all started. Many times it is poor role modeling by parents.
So, let me just ask you this….how is your relationship with your parents? What about when you were younger? I know my pops was an emotionally unavailable / narcissist….so who do I end up dating? The same kind of guys. I did A LOT of DEEP healing work to change those patterns for myself. Does this make sense? Is your coach helping you to connect to this part of yourself that is in control and keeping you in this pattern?
Heidi
I can’t tell you how many times the woman feels like she is not “pressuring” the guy and the guy can see right through it.
When you have the mindset of “He needs to earn my trust, my attention, my heart” you end up making him work for it instead of you doing all of the work. You have this belief that you messed up and it’s something you are trying to “fix” and prove to him that it’s all okay. What’s done is done right? Yes, you messed up, but who cares!! We all do it and it’s not that big of a deal. He also messed up with having just as much of an overreaction than you did…right?
So why not let him go and stop trying so hard. If you keep being the only one to initiate, he will feel your “neediness.” You are investing quite a bit of energy into him without receiving very much in return. Yes, he is responsive which is great! AND…it’s time he starts making some effort.
So why not experiment with something. Why not wait until he initiates. See how long it takes. He needs to feel like he misses you and you need to really decide if this guy is worth it for you. Yes, you had a wonderful connection, but you also deserve to be with a guy who loves to be around you and knows it and wants it and fights for it. Give this guy the chance to do that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Holy smokes you are doing so much! I LOVE all of those people!!!! They all have some wonderful pieces of healing to offer. Have you ever looked at John Gottman?? To me, he is one of my favorites for relationship advice as he has the longest and most in depth study of relationships in existence. His information is spot on and super helpful!!! Brilliant stuff! A lot of similarities as well with the Hendrix’s!!! you are kicking ass!!!!
I just have a few thoughts. I have taken the same path as you. I have spent over 20 years of researching and engaging every type of method possible for my healing. My childhood was intensely dark and challenging, so if I was every going to heal, I needed a TON of help. I will never stop growing. I will never stop learning and I will never stop healing. It is a life long process.
Here is a danger that you may already be aware of. There can also be the flip side where you end up getting addicted to fixing yourself that you never really have peace. This was something I had to face about my choices and still something I have to keep in check. There will ALWAYS be something fix, so my “need” to constantly change and heal kept me in a loop of dysfunction as well, because I didn’t ever feel I was healed enough. Does this make sense? I’m just saying this for you to be aware, if you already aren’t.
I’m also going to say something I know you may not like to hear. I have very limited information about this situation, so understand it’s coming from that perspective. I would like to invite you to possibly consider that a relationship with may never be possible. He may never have the strength to offer you what you want. He may never repair his inside enough to be able to match your capacity of love. I understand that connection you have with him. I have had that before. I wish it were enough. Life would be much easier that way wouldn’t it? It’s just not. He may take YEARS before he feels repaired enough to love again. Are you willing to put your life on hold like that? I’m not saying you should disconnect from him as that is not for me to ever say. But since you are someone who is interested in deep diving, I’ll go there with you and ask you the deeper questions for further exploration….that’s all this is.
You also say you are not interested in fixing him, yet you are essentially putting your entire life on hold for him, you are here looking for advice about how to stay connected, you are investing an INCREDIBLE amount of energy to keep this thing going with him. To me, that’s a lot of fixing isn’t it? It may not be directly fixing him, but you are trying to fix the relationship somehow. Yes? If no, then give me a different perspective, so I can be more clear.
If I were to look at the facts, I would be seeing that you, being the very resilient, powerful and resourceful, is choosing to stay connected and engaged in a relationship with a man who is not available for her and who has a VERY LONG ways to go and may never be available. That would be the core issue I would want to work on with you. I understand your connection and belief about how much you both fit for each other. I have worked in this field for so long and have seen that many times, however other components need to exist for a relationship to happen, and those components do not exist in your situation. You are incredibly intelligent….so if you were me and given the facts you have offered me, what kind of guidance would you offer to yourself?
I never really go to this type of topic, but I thought I would ask you. Have you ever ventured into the realms of energy healing? I have found that with healing, there is always the mental, physical and spiritual components right? Have you ever tried Akashic Records, psychic healers etc.? It’s a GIANT resource, but not everybody believes in that kind of stuff, so I’m just curious about your thoughts on those kinds of things.
Heidi
Hi Marie,
It sounds like you guys had a really good conversation about what happened. Do you feel like he understood what happened with your reaction? Do you feel like you understood him better?
It sounds like there might be something else happening as well. Do you know if he tends to hold grudges at all? Could you tell by how he talked about people from his past, ex girlfriends, family etc.?
He seems super gunshy. I know you may think he is super great and I’m sure he is, but the 1 thing I am ALWAYS looking for is how someone handles stress. How do they treat me, themselves and others involved in the situation. Yes, you freaked him out. What would stop him from just saying something about it? My guess is, he just felt like he had too much to deal with and maybe that is why he chose the path he did instead of being honest with you and maybe figuring out and CARING about what your experience was of him vs. just pulling the plug. I am wondering if he is just conflict shy. I’m wondering if he is someone who tends to run from things and put walls up so he doesn’t have to face himself or others.
What are your thoughts about that?
heidi
