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Hi Tarsha!
Welcome!! We would love to help! Would you be willing to offer more information. We can offer more specific guidance when we understand the situation more.
Why did you break up? How long have you been together? Why do you want him back? Do you know why he pulled away? Are you guys still communicating at all?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I first want to clear up that in my post, I was NOT saying to break up and walk away. My apologies that you saw it that way! My intent was to help you clearly understand what you are walking into first and foremost. You, of course, still get to fight for you guy, but with the FULL awareness that you are choosing a guy who isn’t good at communicating and when the stress reaches a certain level, the odds on him disconnecting and going into his cave are really high. I’m emphasizing this because when picking a person you want to be deeply involved in your life, whether a romantic interest or friend, one of the most important factors to the success of that relationship, is how you treat each other during the worst moments, the most stressful moments and the most hurtful moments. Yes, December was extremely difficult. I don’t know anyone who is good with death. You lost your dog and I am so, so sorry. Losing one of your animal family members breaks the heart in a very unique and extremely painful way. Combine that with all the other things you mentioned and you have a perfect storm of stress that was enough for him to choose to disconnect. This is what I am saying is important for you to know about him. When the stress if enough or even just the right kind of stress, you see how a person responds….and that will make or break a relationship. It doesn’t matter what his past patterns were…you are learning something new about him now. It’s great that he was willing to work on his communication, but now he is not. Whatever has happened is SO BIG that he is not willing to work on communication anymore.
Does this mean you need to give up on him? Absolutely not. What is important is that you see and choose him, FOR ALL THAT HE IS, even with his choice to disconnect…which if the stress is high enough, will be his choice again in the future. You absolutely get to choose him Dana and you should! That is what you are determined to do and to exhaust every possibility there is…and that is so important! He is very lucky to have a lady like you by his side, even though he is not appreciating that in the moment. From what it sounds like, he had a MOUNTAIN full of stress and he needed to unload something so he wouldn’t break. My guess is, you were the only thing he had control over. He couldn’t change work or that fact that he is feeling bad about himself, but he could change the fact of not dealing with any emotional upset from you. I imagine that if you had this fight at another time, when the month was not so challenging, it would have been a different result.
Of course you are crying every single day. You just lost your dog and now you lost your best friend. Who wouldn’t be balling their eyes out all the time? When I lost my first dog (2 years ago), I cried several times a day for weeks! Just that alone is beyond challenging and now you don’t have your guy to lean on for comfort. I understand your need to fix this as soon as possible. It’s so much loss, you of course want reconciliation so you don’t have to the feel the loss of him anymore. Your heart is broken.
The thing about our programs is that it’s a good starting place. Because everybody’s situation is so different, it’s important for you to take the information and apply what works, experiment with different techniques and try to just get the ball rolling. To try to figure out the EXACT date you should contact him again…well that’s really up to you. We can recommend, but ultimately, it’s about you staying connected to your intuition and deciding for yourself. Typically though, it’s recommended in the material, to wait about 3 weeks before contacting him. So if you want to use that suggestion, I think you may have a little less than 2 weeks to go.
A good ice breaker text can be something to the effect of, “I admit it…I miss you like crazy. I think the thing I miss the most is your hugs. I always felt safe in your arms, no matter what was going on for me. I hope you are doing okay. I know December was a really difficult month, especially for me. Hopefully January is better to you.”
You can say something simple, short and offer a compliment and make it statement. Start with something like that and see if he ends up responding. Then you can try to activate his hero instinct after that. It doesn’t have to be about something for him to fix or anything…it can also be advice of some sort….maybe asking advice about a restaurant, or something about his culture, or something he has more and expert opinion on…he is in Real Estate, so maybe you have a “friend” who is looking to buy a house….does he have a good real estate agent that he would recommend? Does this give you some ideas?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Yes, it makes total sense. I figured you would answer in this particular way. It all makes perfect sense to me and even if it didn’t make sense to anyone, it doesn’t matter. For someone like you, who has quite an incredible amount of accountability, has done a TON of healing in her own life and will forever be on that path in some sort of fashion….I fully and completely believe that you know best in this situation. Many people are not connected to the deeper truths behind their decisions they make in their romantic life and it usually is quite the process to guide them there, even if they are willing.
For you, you have an understanding of all the dynamics available to you at this present moment….and with how you feel and what you know about all of those dynamics, you KNOW you want to stay, even if it means putting your romantic life on hold, just for now. You are the only one who will know when you are done. That moment may never happen….it is very possible you can create what it is that you want! I trust your process!
I never once have told people this on this forum, but for some reason, I feel like you might enjoy a session with me. I am a certified Akashi Records Consultant. If you go to my website http://www.heidigoodrich.com I explain what that is. I feel like doing a session with you, might bring more peace into your life about this situation and even help you understand more of the deeper and more unseen dynamics happening. You can contact me through my website if it interests you.
I have to run at the moment and have more to say, so I’ll be back!
Heidi
Wonderful! This is such a great exercise to look people in the eye for longer periods of time. Keep practicing that!
Sometimes it is helpful to know how others view you to contradict how you view yourself. One thing I have done my entire life is contradict some of my low self esteem beliefs by talking other people about their thoughts on the subject. For example, if I thought that sitting alone in a cafe meant that people might think bad about me in some way, I would go around and ask many, many people “What kinds of thoughts do you have about a person sitting alone in a cafe?” My goal is to not make my opinion and thoughts the ONLY version. Truth is, there are always a gazillion perspectives and opinions about any situation, but many times, 90% of people may feel the same exact way. So discovering that 90% of people view someone sitting alone in a cafe as no big deal or even really cool that someone is spending time alone instead and has the strength to be alone instead of always needing to be with someone….then maybe decide to take on that perspective.
What you are doing is assuming that you know how everyone is going to think about you in any given situation. You are literally thinking and forming their opinions about you….without even talking to them or even knowing them….and the thoughts and feelings you are assuming everyone is feeling is all negative. It’s not really fair for you to decide what everyone is feeling right? So why not start asking people what they think and feel and let them think for themselves?? That can be another fun adventure you can start to take.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
3 weeks is a suggestion that comes from the course material. Truth is though, using your feminine intuition with situation, means it might end up being shorter or a little longer. Have you gone through that course material yet? Developing your feminine intuition?
I don’t know why he isn’t responding to your message about his sexy smile. It might be because he is trying to keep distance for the moment, it might be that the text got buried and he forgot to respond or he might even think that he did respond already. Who knows. All you can do is continue on with your life, throw out a few more signals, be patient and see if he ends up responding at some point.
I wouldn’T be surprised if he just doesn’t have the capacity to offer you anything romantic right now, especially if he is facing another surgery. He may even feel like he doesn’t want you to see him this way, since he doesn’t like himself very much right now.
What if you just took the friend approach with him. Meaning, forget about who contacts who, just be a good support and that’s it. Maybe towards the end of the year, he will be more available romantically after recovering from everything he has to go through. With this mindset, you can still be flirty and have fun, but you just won’t need anything from him and it could take the pressure off of both of you. I know that is technically what you guys already are, but the underlying, unspoken energy is still there and being felt by both people. What if you just took that away and looked at him as a fun friend and not trying to figure him out? With that energy, it really won’t matter who is doing what and you can just be yourself.
So essentially, it’s putting in your mind that he just isn’t available right now, so you are going to approach this as a friendship vs. a romantic interest at this time.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I”m so sorry for how all of this happening. The difficult part about relationships and dating, is the very first time there is a real argument. You both get to see how each person handles the stress and how you treat each other. You see lifelong patterns show up. His pattern is to obviously run away.
What he is doing is passive aggressive. I know this pattern very well because I used to be like that. If someone hurt my feelings, I would torture them by not responding, knowing that it was causing them great hurt. He is still watching your videos because he does care for you and a part of him does want to stay connected to you, but he also has another side to him that is MUCH STRONGER, that is acting like a 2 year old and holding back his energy.
This is important for you to know about him, because this is who he is! Anytime you guys get into an argument, this is how he will respond. An adult, will talk things through. He has a lot of wounds he is carrying around and instead of talking with you and being honest about his feelings and creating a space for closure and healing, he is just not responding. There is a wall that went up. I know that wall very well!
Before we go any further, I just want to make sure you understand what you are getting into. Any major emotional reaction you have about him or any time you hurt his feelings, this is how he is going to respond. He is going to cut you off and become distant and unavailable. Is this okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
To be honest, I am still really confused. I understand you want to be with him, but it seems like you are creating this whole plan behind the scenes and he has no clue what you are doing. Does he know what you want? Does he know how you feel? Does he know what you are doing?
You say you care about him in this text message, then immediately end the conversation. I know you say you want to give him space, but does he know that is what you are doing? He could take that as you not being very interested. Your words may say that “I care about you” but your action of ending the conversation very quickly tells him you are not that interested in him.
What is it that you want? I understand you want to be with him…you are at an 8. So what is stopping you from creating that? What is stopping you from having an honest conversation with him?
It doesn’t have to be very serious. You barely know each other and are still in the phase of just learning about each other. What is stopping you from just dating him? Help me understand this more….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! What a fun life you have for the next few weeks. Good job with creating some adventure in your life!
It sounds like a solid plan is in place. Go have some fun for the next few weeks and wait for him to reach out to you. Then, if he hasn’t reached out in 3 weeks, we can discuss what kind of hero instinct you can activate from him.
You really are doing a wonderful job just being aware of yourself and asking for help and guidance. You really have learned from those past situations and taking different actions this time around. Well done!!! It’s not an easy journey and he is a bit confusing. It’s a bit of an odd situation considering his surgery.
So just keep having patience and see what ends up happening. He needs to step up now. You have made yourself available and you have flat out said you were attracted to him, so now he needs to do something about that by at least initiating another conversation.
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! This is a really tough situation.
It sounds like something has happened. My first gut response is that he is probably married and when he goes on business trips, he connects with a woman, hooks up and then when he returns home, he stops connecting with them. It’s a great way to cheat and never get caught as the other women are in other countries, so his wife would never really end up finding out.
I am ALWAYS suspicious of a guy who talks marriage, relationships etc. on the first date. He immediately tried to grab your hand when you first met. He told you he doesn’t know how you don’t have a boyfriend. He really buttered you up. He really used all the words that women LOVE to hear to have you open your heart, which in the end, meant that you would have sex with him. My very strong guess is that he has done this before many times.
Now, he hooked you and so his way of dealing with it is to just ignore you and hope that you go away. You keep sending him messages and he won’t respond and he most likely never will. What you miss about him isn’t real.
Even if all of it wasn’t a game to him, you deserve more than this! You deserve to be with a guy who is able to follow through on what he says. He is NOT that person and he has shown that to you. YUCK! Stay away from this guy!
I know it is easier said than done, but it’s important that you move on from this guy. He is not available for you nor cares about how you feel. If he cared about your feelings, he would be responding. At the very least, it would be a kind thing to just even say, “I know we had a great time, but I am no longer interested.” Instead he just keeps ignoring you. You don’t want a guy like that in your life!
You are hanging onto a fantasy about him. You barely know him and he used every trick in the book to get what he wanted from you and then has walked away. That is the truth about who he is.
I am so sorry!!! This is a good lesson for you to learn for the future. It’s important to be cautious…especially about men coming from another country. Tinder for example, is a dating site, where it was discovered through a survey that OVER 50% of the people on the site were already in a serious relationship. I always keep that kind of info. in my mind if I decide to ever use a dating site.
I wish I could make this better for you as you I have no doubt your heart is hurting. Help it heal by letting go of this guy. He doesn’t deserve you or your attentions or your heart energy!
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
Any woman would end up with a fog considering how he activated all of your hopes and dreams and possibilities….then in one fail swoop, he ripped it all away. Something happened…whether it was something he got afraid of or there is something else going on that you have no clue about…it’s a very unkind thing to do to a person. To go from being connective, talking about the future an taking you down 1 path and then one day tell you nope….that’s not the path anymore…without any discussion or honoring you of how that might make you feel…that’s a HUGE red flag to me!
Why not get ahead of this and send him a text saying….”You are right. I do want a relationship. I do want to fall in love and create a life with a man. Since you are not able to offer that and I am now in the friend zone, I need to create closure for myself so my heart can heal from the loss of where I thought we were going. I had a wonderful time getting to know you and even getting to know myself again, so thank you! I am now kindly requesting that you no longer contact me. I wish you all the best!”
This way, you create closure and allow yourself to feel that ending so you can deal with it now.
What do you think?Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I understand how good you feel when you are around him. That’s a very difficult thing to let go of. You are focusing on all the good qualities, but you are not making the not so good qualities part of your story or vision of him. You want to keep holding onto the good, but with that comes the challenges.
First of all, I wonder why he kept you a secret at the party. That isn’t normal. He is hiding something. If he is hiding something from his own friends, doesn’t that make you wonder? You are the one initiating the conversations and you are pretty much just going along for the ride of whatever design of relationship he is willing to offer.
My question to you is…where are you creating what YOU want in this? I think if you spoke up about what you want, you would lose him, because he cannot offer that to you…and is not willing….for whatever reason.
As great as you guys are together….he is not an option for you. He is not available. When a guy says that, it’s important to listen to him. I know you want to change your mind, but after being invited to his party as just a friend and him being very clear that he doesn’t want anyone to know you dated….he is not someone you want to get involved with. It’s not okay for you to be hidden….EVER! You deserve more than that. Love yourself enough to choose to be with a guy who is proud to have you on his arm where you guys go….anything less than that is unacceptable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for all the detail. You guys are definitely flirting for sure. The one thing I noticed is that you both are doing a lot of flirting, but a rejecting type of tone to it….kind of smart ass flirting. That can be really fun sometimes, but how much you both are doing, it actually can shift the energy and not take you down the path you want. It actually doesn’t create bonding…it can cause separation.
You can easily change this dynamic. You want to respond by building the energy of the flirting instead of cutting it down by being a smart ass. So if he says “you are so mean to me….” you can say something like, “I can actually show you how nice I really am…..” So….when and if things start back up again, be softer and more receptive to his flirting and a lot less “combative.” You can throw that in there sometimes, but just every once in awhile.
To be honest, it just sounds like neither of you are really sure about what you want or how the other person is feeling. I wouldn’t give too much thought to his comment about not being into it right now. He is a bit lost and not feeling like himself, so is feelings all kinds of things right now.
It’s a bummer he hasn’t responded. Give it a few more days. There are so many things that could have happened that have nothing to do with you. Give it more time and then you can say something like, “I have something for you. I missed a chance of a lifetime to be your nurse, so it’s a small way to make up for it.” and then see if he responds. This is where you can bake something for him. Maybe bake cookies but make him a cookie that is EXTRA EXTRA big. You obviously have to deliver it in person, so you just say, “I need to see you to give it to you and I’m not telling you what it is.” THen when you give it to him, you be flirty again and say “there’s a lot of healing ingredients in this cookie….”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Have you been like this your entire life? Why do you think you don’t have a lot of self love and care a lot about what people are thinking about you?
There is nothing “wrong” with being shy. Some of being shy may just be part of your personality, but we do know that a big part of you being shy comes from not being connected to yourself and loving yourself. That is the part you want to work on. That is the aspect that men will not respond well to. There is a difference between being shy because it really is part of your personality and being shy because of a lack of confidence. It doesn’t matter though. You are who you are and what is most important is that you find a guy who will accept you and love you for exactly who you are! But you have to be able to do that for yourself first and foremost.
In order to create deep change in your self esteem, it’s always helpful to understand where it started from. Looking at your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your culture…..all of those areas influence how you feel about yourself.
Here is a video that can give you some ideas about how to start this process.
There are a TON of books, videos, programs on how to develop self esteem, self love and confidence. Go online or to the book store and see what you are attracted to! Keep reading and reading and reading and practicing everything you are learning. If you are able to hire a coach or a therapist, that can definitely speed up the process!
Heidi
Hi Ana,
First, I want to suggest to hold onto that letter and not send it to him. My thoughts are this…everything you are writing, is so valuable and important to have as a conversation. Maybe you can set up a time to have a conversation with him and have the letter with you and you can use it to remind you of what you want to talk about. If a relationship is going to work, then it’s important to be able to discuss all of these things in person. And I would also recommend to change your perspective about what is a “failure.” When I look at relationships, I look at “what worked” and “what didn’t work.” It’s much easier to swallow the challenges with that kind of wording vs. calling them “failures.” Just a thought.
Here is the thing Ana. Because you are confused and not sure what you want, you are going to be sending mixed messages. You are not even wanting to talk about the relationship at this point….yet you want him to ask you into his life again?? I’m starting to get confused here. I am not sure if you want to be with him or not. I understand you are taking time to figure things out, but to what end?
Tell me why you want to be with him again?
Then tell me why you wouldn’t want to be with him again?
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to be with him? 1 is ‘not at all” and 10 is “absolutely I have no doubt I want to be with him” 5 means 1/2 of you wants to be with him and 1/2 of you doesn’t want to be with him.Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Isn’t it funny how a guy can make you feel like a lost teenager???? I’ve felt that many times (even in my 40’s) and it always cracks me up.
First, you ALWAYS be yourself! It doesn’t matter if he will be at the baby shower or not. If he is, you just be friendly, a little flirty (through a smile, touches to his shoulder or leg etc.) and get to know him a little better.
Okay….so don’t bake him anything. I wasn’t entirely clear that you weren’t sure how he felt. It would be a little over the top to back him something at this point, if you aren’t sure how he feels. Asking for his address doesn’t feel right at this stage of the game.
As far as flirty goes, keep it SUPER light. Instead of saying something like “fantasizing about you” you can say something like, “I’m glad to hear you are feeling better, because that sexy smile of yours is one my favorite features about you and you need to be using it!”
You said that he said he wasn’t into the flirting. Explain that a little more. It sounds like he is responsive to you, but he out right said he isn’t into flirting with you? Help me understand this a little more.
Heidi
