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Hi Ana,
To be honest, I am still really confused. I understand you want to be with him, but it seems like you are creating this whole plan behind the scenes and he has no clue what you are doing. Does he know what you want? Does he know how you feel? Does he know what you are doing?
You say you care about him in this text message, then immediately end the conversation. I know you say you want to give him space, but does he know that is what you are doing? He could take that as you not being very interested. Your words may say that “I care about you” but your action of ending the conversation very quickly tells him you are not that interested in him.
What is it that you want? I understand you want to be with him…you are at an 8. So what is stopping you from creating that? What is stopping you from having an honest conversation with him?
It doesn’t have to be very serious. You barely know each other and are still in the phase of just learning about each other. What is stopping you from just dating him? Help me understand this more….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! What a fun life you have for the next few weeks. Good job with creating some adventure in your life!
It sounds like a solid plan is in place. Go have some fun for the next few weeks and wait for him to reach out to you. Then, if he hasn’t reached out in 3 weeks, we can discuss what kind of hero instinct you can activate from him.
You really are doing a wonderful job just being aware of yourself and asking for help and guidance. You really have learned from those past situations and taking different actions this time around. Well done!!! It’s not an easy journey and he is a bit confusing. It’s a bit of an odd situation considering his surgery.
So just keep having patience and see what ends up happening. He needs to step up now. You have made yourself available and you have flat out said you were attracted to him, so now he needs to do something about that by at least initiating another conversation.
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! This is a really tough situation.
It sounds like something has happened. My first gut response is that he is probably married and when he goes on business trips, he connects with a woman, hooks up and then when he returns home, he stops connecting with them. It’s a great way to cheat and never get caught as the other women are in other countries, so his wife would never really end up finding out.
I am ALWAYS suspicious of a guy who talks marriage, relationships etc. on the first date. He immediately tried to grab your hand when you first met. He told you he doesn’t know how you don’t have a boyfriend. He really buttered you up. He really used all the words that women LOVE to hear to have you open your heart, which in the end, meant that you would have sex with him. My very strong guess is that he has done this before many times.
Now, he hooked you and so his way of dealing with it is to just ignore you and hope that you go away. You keep sending him messages and he won’t respond and he most likely never will. What you miss about him isn’t real.
Even if all of it wasn’t a game to him, you deserve more than this! You deserve to be with a guy who is able to follow through on what he says. He is NOT that person and he has shown that to you. YUCK! Stay away from this guy!
I know it is easier said than done, but it’s important that you move on from this guy. He is not available for you nor cares about how you feel. If he cared about your feelings, he would be responding. At the very least, it would be a kind thing to just even say, “I know we had a great time, but I am no longer interested.” Instead he just keeps ignoring you. You don’t want a guy like that in your life!
You are hanging onto a fantasy about him. You barely know him and he used every trick in the book to get what he wanted from you and then has walked away. That is the truth about who he is.
I am so sorry!!! This is a good lesson for you to learn for the future. It’s important to be cautious…especially about men coming from another country. Tinder for example, is a dating site, where it was discovered through a survey that OVER 50% of the people on the site were already in a serious relationship. I always keep that kind of info. in my mind if I decide to ever use a dating site.
I wish I could make this better for you as you I have no doubt your heart is hurting. Help it heal by letting go of this guy. He doesn’t deserve you or your attentions or your heart energy!
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
Any woman would end up with a fog considering how he activated all of your hopes and dreams and possibilities….then in one fail swoop, he ripped it all away. Something happened…whether it was something he got afraid of or there is something else going on that you have no clue about…it’s a very unkind thing to do to a person. To go from being connective, talking about the future an taking you down 1 path and then one day tell you nope….that’s not the path anymore…without any discussion or honoring you of how that might make you feel…that’s a HUGE red flag to me!
Why not get ahead of this and send him a text saying….”You are right. I do want a relationship. I do want to fall in love and create a life with a man. Since you are not able to offer that and I am now in the friend zone, I need to create closure for myself so my heart can heal from the loss of where I thought we were going. I had a wonderful time getting to know you and even getting to know myself again, so thank you! I am now kindly requesting that you no longer contact me. I wish you all the best!”
This way, you create closure and allow yourself to feel that ending so you can deal with it now.
What do you think?Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I understand how good you feel when you are around him. That’s a very difficult thing to let go of. You are focusing on all the good qualities, but you are not making the not so good qualities part of your story or vision of him. You want to keep holding onto the good, but with that comes the challenges.
First of all, I wonder why he kept you a secret at the party. That isn’t normal. He is hiding something. If he is hiding something from his own friends, doesn’t that make you wonder? You are the one initiating the conversations and you are pretty much just going along for the ride of whatever design of relationship he is willing to offer.
My question to you is…where are you creating what YOU want in this? I think if you spoke up about what you want, you would lose him, because he cannot offer that to you…and is not willing….for whatever reason.
As great as you guys are together….he is not an option for you. He is not available. When a guy says that, it’s important to listen to him. I know you want to change your mind, but after being invited to his party as just a friend and him being very clear that he doesn’t want anyone to know you dated….he is not someone you want to get involved with. It’s not okay for you to be hidden….EVER! You deserve more than that. Love yourself enough to choose to be with a guy who is proud to have you on his arm where you guys go….anything less than that is unacceptable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for all the detail. You guys are definitely flirting for sure. The one thing I noticed is that you both are doing a lot of flirting, but a rejecting type of tone to it….kind of smart ass flirting. That can be really fun sometimes, but how much you both are doing, it actually can shift the energy and not take you down the path you want. It actually doesn’t create bonding…it can cause separation.
You can easily change this dynamic. You want to respond by building the energy of the flirting instead of cutting it down by being a smart ass. So if he says “you are so mean to me….” you can say something like, “I can actually show you how nice I really am…..” So….when and if things start back up again, be softer and more receptive to his flirting and a lot less “combative.” You can throw that in there sometimes, but just every once in awhile.
To be honest, it just sounds like neither of you are really sure about what you want or how the other person is feeling. I wouldn’t give too much thought to his comment about not being into it right now. He is a bit lost and not feeling like himself, so is feelings all kinds of things right now.
It’s a bummer he hasn’t responded. Give it a few more days. There are so many things that could have happened that have nothing to do with you. Give it more time and then you can say something like, “I have something for you. I missed a chance of a lifetime to be your nurse, so it’s a small way to make up for it.” and then see if he responds. This is where you can bake something for him. Maybe bake cookies but make him a cookie that is EXTRA EXTRA big. You obviously have to deliver it in person, so you just say, “I need to see you to give it to you and I’m not telling you what it is.” THen when you give it to him, you be flirty again and say “there’s a lot of healing ingredients in this cookie….”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Have you been like this your entire life? Why do you think you don’t have a lot of self love and care a lot about what people are thinking about you?
There is nothing “wrong” with being shy. Some of being shy may just be part of your personality, but we do know that a big part of you being shy comes from not being connected to yourself and loving yourself. That is the part you want to work on. That is the aspect that men will not respond well to. There is a difference between being shy because it really is part of your personality and being shy because of a lack of confidence. It doesn’t matter though. You are who you are and what is most important is that you find a guy who will accept you and love you for exactly who you are! But you have to be able to do that for yourself first and foremost.
In order to create deep change in your self esteem, it’s always helpful to understand where it started from. Looking at your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your teachers, your culture…..all of those areas influence how you feel about yourself.
Here is a video that can give you some ideas about how to start this process.
There are a TON of books, videos, programs on how to develop self esteem, self love and confidence. Go online or to the book store and see what you are attracted to! Keep reading and reading and reading and practicing everything you are learning. If you are able to hire a coach or a therapist, that can definitely speed up the process!
Heidi
Hi Ana,
First, I want to suggest to hold onto that letter and not send it to him. My thoughts are this…everything you are writing, is so valuable and important to have as a conversation. Maybe you can set up a time to have a conversation with him and have the letter with you and you can use it to remind you of what you want to talk about. If a relationship is going to work, then it’s important to be able to discuss all of these things in person. And I would also recommend to change your perspective about what is a “failure.” When I look at relationships, I look at “what worked” and “what didn’t work.” It’s much easier to swallow the challenges with that kind of wording vs. calling them “failures.” Just a thought.
Here is the thing Ana. Because you are confused and not sure what you want, you are going to be sending mixed messages. You are not even wanting to talk about the relationship at this point….yet you want him to ask you into his life again?? I’m starting to get confused here. I am not sure if you want to be with him or not. I understand you are taking time to figure things out, but to what end?
Tell me why you want to be with him again?
Then tell me why you wouldn’t want to be with him again?
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you want to be with him? 1 is ‘not at all” and 10 is “absolutely I have no doubt I want to be with him” 5 means 1/2 of you wants to be with him and 1/2 of you doesn’t want to be with him.Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Isn’t it funny how a guy can make you feel like a lost teenager???? I’ve felt that many times (even in my 40’s) and it always cracks me up.
First, you ALWAYS be yourself! It doesn’t matter if he will be at the baby shower or not. If he is, you just be friendly, a little flirty (through a smile, touches to his shoulder or leg etc.) and get to know him a little better.
Okay….so don’t bake him anything. I wasn’t entirely clear that you weren’t sure how he felt. It would be a little over the top to back him something at this point, if you aren’t sure how he feels. Asking for his address doesn’t feel right at this stage of the game.
As far as flirty goes, keep it SUPER light. Instead of saying something like “fantasizing about you” you can say something like, “I’m glad to hear you are feeling better, because that sexy smile of yours is one my favorite features about you and you need to be using it!”
You said that he said he wasn’t into the flirting. Explain that a little more. It sounds like he is responsive to you, but he out right said he isn’t into flirting with you? Help me understand this a little more.
Heidi
Great questions Isotta!
1. There is a bit of an art to deciding whether or not to initiate conversation….but mostly in the beginning of getting to know someone. I would not suggest to ask him how his New Year’s went. You guys already had that conversation about your New Year’s. That would have been the time to ask him that question in return. Now…a few days have already passed and it’s a closed subject, so if you bring it up, it may come across to him like you are making up reasons to contact him. Next time you actually see him, just ask him that question then. In the beginning, it’s important to watch the dynamics of the relationship. If you end up ALWAYS initiating, then you never give space for the guy to initiate much and then you never really know how he feels about you. It’s important for the guy to initiate. He needs to feel and know that he is interested in you and you need to know he is interested….if you take the lead on that, it doesn’t really allow for that dynamic to happen…the guy can just sort of sit back and relax and know that he doesn’t have to really work for you. That’s mainly why it’s important for the guy to initiate in the beginning….it gets him in the chase and they need to feel that. Now….with that being said, understand that is also a generalization and there are a gazillion situations that may not fit that model. So that’s where your feminine intuition and skillset can help you know what will work best. For your particular situation at the moment, being that you are just friends with benefits, I would sit back and relax and allow him the space to initiate. When he does, you just be your wonderful, responsive and flirty self. Allow that dynamic to develop.
2. I think any advice from books and coaches and science is all good stuff! It’s like anything….the information can help some and not help others. The information may match a situation perfectly and then it won’t. So whenever I read about this topic, or any topic for that matter, I don’t make it the end all be all…I just put it away as part of new knowledge and I know at some point it will be useful information for me. With relationships and love, there are so many dynamics at play. If it doesn’t work out, it could be because of attachment style differences, it could be simply bad timing, it could be that they are not ready for a deep experience, it could be that they are not completely over an ex…there are so many reasons things do and don’t work beyond attachment style. The goal is to pay attention to yourself, know yourself and your tendencies and to honor all of it. The more you know yourself, the more you can know someone else. Knowing your needs is a part of that process. It’s important to understand what works and doesn’t work for you in a relationship. So basically, what I am saying is that piece of advice is just 1 perspective…not THE perspective to take when looking at relationship dynamics. Don’t make it the end all be all information and way to view relationship. Just make it another way to get to know yourself and use it as 1 perspective alongside many other perspectives. Does that make sense?
3. The higher purpose is balance. Sometimes people forget what they are doing and the reasons for challenging themselves. You are looking for growing and expanding how you interact with men. So the higher purpose for me guiding you from going from excessive answering to very little answering, is so you can find the balance or the midpoint between the 2 extremes. Many times people will resist going to the opposite extreme, so when I explain that it’s just for a season, it may be uncomfortable for a bit, but there is a higher purpose (finding the middle), they understand the exercise better.
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Yes….self care and self love is a DAILY choice. It is a real relationship. If you were with a guy and loved him, every single day you would do something to tell him, connect with him, show him, ask about his day, want to know how he is feeling etc. “Small things often” is what Dr. John Gottman talks about when he refers to his studies of how to make a relationship last. The same principle applies to the relationship with yourself. It is a daily and forever kind of thing.
I do want to help you understand that just because you think you are at peace about who your parents are, there are still some very active layers that have not quite been resolved. Consciously, you are at peace, but subconsciously, you know there are some unresolved feelings because you have symptoms….your symptoms are the kind of men that you choose. My guess is, there are still some areas of your subconscious that you haven’t connected to that hold those hurt feelings about events in your past…and that part is strong enough to influence the kind of men you choose. I know that many times I have resolved something consciously, but I am then looking at some of my choices that tell me there are still some pieces left….so I go into deeper exploration and discover all the unfinished business.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Okay…I get how difficult all of that would be without being able to see him in person. This is a bit of a tricky situation here. He doesn’t quite feel himself and is definitely not feeling like his good self. So this could make him a bit more shy. So that might mean you have to initiate more to keep letting him know you are interested. Maybe as he starts to feel more “manly” he will feel more confident to ask you out. He is responsive, you guys do flirt, so there is an attraction there on both sides….would you agree?
Do you know how to bake? What if you made some cookies or something and mailed it to him and leave a little note inside saying something flirty like, “Now that you are feeling better, I figured a few cookies might give you the energy to take me out on the town sometime. ;)”
I want to say to give it a little more time. If he didn’t have this injury he was dealing with, I would say otherwise. I want to say that you need to see who he is and how he treats you when everything normal is in his world. I think that sending him a message once a week or so is okay for now….that will change soon, but just for now….stay flirty and stay connected….just a little longer.
Make sense?
heidi
Hi Diana,
If you scroll down, you will see a title that says “Irresistible Communication and Bonuses.” Click on that, and you will get all kinds of fun stuff to learn about!
So it sounds like your shyness is about a lack of self love. It sounds like you are really driven by what other people think of you. When someone likes you and wants to be with you, you have confidence. When you are alone and don’t have that, you don’t have a lot of confidence. If you are really interested in changing your shyness, it’s about connecting to yourself and finding confidence from yourself instead of relying on other people to give it to you. The problem is, when other people are your source for how you think of yourself, you are ALWAYS going to be let down…because people will let you down….people have judgments about you and they don’t even know you…so it’s not a good source of truth. So strengthening your vision about how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself, liking who you are, loving who you are….it gives a solidness INSIDE that allows you to be in this world and not worry so much about what other people think. You can sit in a café all by yourself and not care what others think. You can wear whatever you want and love what you wear and feel confident about it. You can be involved in a conversation with a few people and know that you are worth hearing from.
Yes, you can learn some skills about how to flirt, but that is not going to change how you feel about yourself. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Lingda,
What you do is up to you. Bottom line is….do you feel that you are loving yourself by being connected to a man that is back and forth so much? Do you feel like sitting around trying to fight for a guy who left and is with an ex girlfriend now, is something that is making your spirit stronger and is a loving thing to do for yourself?
Heidi
