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Do you think he really has lost feelings or that it’s deeper than that? I have no doubt that what happened is influencing how he feels. It may be the entire reason or it may have triggered something much deeper, I don’t know.
he didn’t share too much about it and he said he was sad and he made it clear that he needed to deal with it on his own. He never brought it up again. Since this is how he chose to deal with this, but shutting you out and never talking about it again, all he did was bury it. And there are consequences to that. I imagine this is a pattern of his, yes? When he is under stress, does he typically talk to you about it and ask for advice? Does he share his feelings openly and easily or do you typically have to drag it out of him?
How do I secure this relationship now or for the future? I’m sorry to say, there really is no such thing. Relationships, no matter how old they are, are never 100% secure. Love is a risk. At any moment, a curve ball can show up and the couple that thought they were rock solid, are all of a sudden heading in different directions. So instead of trying to “secure” the relationship, I want to invite you into doing the hardest thing of all….accept whatever is happening, learn and grow from it and trust that whatever is happening, is meant to happen. Stress always exposes how strong a relationship is or not. No matter how firmly you believe you are meant to be together, if that is not his feeling, then that is for HIM to deal with. He seems to run from the feelings that stress brings up. No matter how great you guys are together, in a very challenging moment, he abandoned himself and you and completely shut down. This is a type of coping mechanism that breaks connection and intimacy and does not support a long term relationship. Love and connection lasts because each person chooses it daily, through their actions, through their authenticity, through their personal growth and through having a desire within them, to be the best partner. When road blocks show up, if BOTH people stay present, work through their feelings TOGETHER, ask for help from others if needed, the chance to get through it stronger on the other side is much higher.
The challenge about what is happening in your situation, is you have a partner who has disconnected from you because he has disconnected from himself first. Even if you were able to get his attention back and get back together, it won’t change how he responds to stress. It won’t change that he runs from his feelings. It won’t change that his coping mechanism will break intimacy again.
We all have coping mechanisms that break intimacy…but the idea is that we work on it. The idea is, we own our crap and take ACTION to clear and release the baggage so we can stay connected to what is most important to us.
Him shutting down is a deep thing. Him losing his feelings for you is not something you can help him with. He needs to fight for himself. He needs to not accept that it’s okay for him to lose feelings and just let that be his guiding light. If he won’t fight for himself now and really dig in to find out what’s actually happening for him, then there is nothing you can do other than fight for yourself.
Sometimes, in that process of choosing to fight for yourself and what you need in a partner, by not participating in his design to bury feelings…it can wake him up. Sometimes, the pain that comes with loss is greater than the pain of facing fear – so loss can be a great impetus for growth.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a way to “fix” this and I don’t blame you. You love him and you want to keep that love growing. The best you can do is step back and let him be who he needs to be…which is not enough for you. I wish love were enough. A lack of love is not why people separate. It’s a lack of people facing their fears and running from their baggage.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi R,
It sounds like there is soooooo much going on. From what you have said, I would say that the abortion was probably the catalyst to what is happening right now. It sounds like he is not really deeply connected to how much it’s affecting him. For him to “lose feelings” out of nowhere, is him going numb. Typically, when people lose feelings, something big enough had to have happened to cause that kind of reaction. For example, I am a very emotionally connected person to myself. I feel what I need to feel. But when I lost my dog 8 months ago, I went numb. I couldn’t help it. It was a level of loss that carried an immense level of pain that my system automatically shut down. This is a pretty normal coping type of response for many people when what they feel is sooooo big.
Abortion is a very impactful experience on sooooo many levels the people don’t realize until they are in the thick of it. I have worked with ladies YEARS later that are still affected by that choice. Everyone handles it differently, but it sounds like your guy hasn’t really processed his choice. I don’t know how connected or aware he is to his emotional system, but my guess is, he probably has no clue what is happening and why. Most people don’t. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked my clients about how they feel about the abortion and they say “I’m okay now. I have really worked through it and I don’t really think about it anymore.” Then I start to deep dive and they connect to a part of themselves that carried the pain and loss of that choice that they had no clue was there….yet there were subtle signs I could see that told me about that part of them that was hiding away.
How does this feel for you? Does it maybe connect the dots about what is happening for him?
Heidi
Hi Rosanne,
Wow…you are really going through a tough time! Let’s see if we can figure some things out.
I’m a little confused. Are you living with him currently or on your own? Are you guys still talking at all? I’m not entirely clear where you guys stand. Also, did you leave right from your marriage and start a relationship with this guy? How quickly did you guys move in together? Did you allow yourself any healing time? 22 years with an abuser is pretty intense. Have you worked with a professional at all about all of it?
Why do you think he sees you differently now compared to when you first met? What are you doing differently that makes him not feel that you are that strong woman he was originally attracted to?
Why is he hard to figure out? It sounds like you understand him. He wants to love his daughter and that’s about it. He is not wanting to risk in romantic love. Is that accurate?
Heidi
I’m going to explain a concept to you. It’s called the “upper limit.” It’s the limit we each have, that allows us to be happy. What determines this limit is trauma…the stories we hold onto, the pain we keep close…all the baggage. All of our baggage creates low self-esteem. The amount of low self-esteem we carry, will determine our upper limit…the level of happy we will allow ourselves to be. That’s why you find people who have been abused as children, choosing partners who continue to abuse them. People who grow up in alcoholic families, choose and alcoholic parent. Basically all the trauma gets stored in our subconscious as stories, lies etc. creates the low self-esteem and then limits how happy we can be.
It’s so hard to stand by and watch this genuine good man drowned because someone was so selfish and careless with his heart. He is not a victim here. Remember that he CHOSE her. His low self-esteem/woundedness pulled him into a relationship that wasn’t caring, loving and supportive long term. The wounds he is carrying around with him started way before her. She is not the one to blame. We ALL get hurt by love. We ALL experience rejection, abandonment, betrayal etc. in relationships. The only difference between all of us, is how we handle everything. He is choosing to hold onto his pain and not do the deeper work. He misses you, but then after awhile, it’s too good for too long and he will sabotage the connection. He is NOT doing this consciously of course. He doesn’t understand what he is doing. Most people don’t. But you can tell when someone is reaching their upper limit because they start to get uncomfortable. For me, in the past, I would all of a sudden start to get irritated by the smallest things. It would build into a story as to why this guy wasn’t good for me. And before you know it, I disconnected and moved on. In order to expand your upper limit, you have to face what you are carrying around. You have to look at what created your low self-esteem – forgive, release and heal. There is no way around it. People try all the time and they will get temporary fixes, but nothing long term. Your guy is trying for sure! He is doing the best he can with what he understands and knows…which isn’t enough to change his pattern. My very brilliant coach always says “The #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get exactly what they want, but they are not set up to have it and keep it.” This is the upper limit stated in a bit of a different way.
So now you get to look at your own upper limit. You also are limiting your ability to be happy and love deeply by choosing to be with a guy who has shown you that he can’t go the distance. This is your low self-esteem choosing your partner. If your high self-esteem were choosing your partner, after the first time of him doing that, you would never step back in, because you love and value yourself soooooo much that you wouldn’t let someone into your inner circle, a VERY sacred place, who didn’t love and value you the same way.
Yes, there IS a beautiful love and connection between the both of you. You both are great people! I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, the amount of baggage that gets brought into a relationship is what determines the success of the connection.
Does this help you understand a little better about what he is doing?
Heidi
I’m going to explain a concept to you. It’s called the “upper limit.” It’s the limit we each have, that allows us to be happy. What determines this limit is trauma…the stories we hold onto, the pain we keep close…all the baggage. All of our baggage creates low self-esteem. The amount of low self-esteem we carry, will determine our upper limit…the level of happy we will allow ourselves to be. That’s why you find people who have been abused as children, choosing partners who continue to abuse them. People who grow up in alcoholic families, choose and alcoholic parent. Basically all the trauma gets stored in our subconscious as stories, lies etc. creates the low self-esteem and then limits how happy we can be.
It’s so hard to stand by and watch this genuine good man drowned because someone was so selfish and careless with his heart. He is not a victim here. Remember that he CHOSE her. His low self-esteem/woundedness pulled him into a relationship that wasn’t caring, loving and supportive long term. The wounds he is carrying around with him started way before her. She is not the one to blame. We ALL get hurt by love. We ALL experience rejection, abandonment, betrayal etc. in relationships. The only difference between all of us, is how we handle everything. He is choosing to hold onto his pain and not do the deeper work. He misses you, but then after awhile, it’s too good for too long and he will sabotage the connection. He is NOT doing this consciously of course. He doesn’t understand what he is doing. Most people don’t. But you can tell when someone is reaching their upper limit because they start to get uncomfortable. For me, in the past, I would all of a sudden start to get irritated by the smallest things. It would build into a story as to why this guy wasn’t good for me. And before you know it, I disconnected and moved on. In order to expand your upper limit, you have to face what you are carrying around. You have to look at what created your low self-esteem – forgive, release and heal. There is no way around it. People try all the time and they will get temporary fixes, but nothing long term. Your guy is trying for sure! He is doing the best he can with what he understands and knows…which isn’t enough to change his pattern. My very brilliant coach always says “The #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get exactly what they want, but they are not set up to have it and keep it.” This is the upper limit stated in a bit of a different way.
So now you get to look at your own upper limit. You also are limiting your ability to be happy and love deeply by choosing to be with a guy who has shown you that he can’t go the distance. This is your low self-esteem choosing your partner. If your high self-esteem were choosing your partner, after the first time of him doing that, you would never step back in, because you love and value yourself soooooo much that you wouldn’t let someone into your inner circle, a VERY sacred place, who didn’t love and value you the same way.
Yes, there IS a beautiful love and connection between the both of you. You both are great people! I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, the amount of baggage that gets brought into a relationship is what determines the success of the connection.
Does this help you understand a little better about what he is doing?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing your letter!
I have a few suggestions, so let’s walk through it and see how you feel about my thoughts.
It is lengthy. I know you feel you have a lot to say, but in most of the paragraphs, you are saying something similar, just in a slightly different way. You want him to stay engaged in what you are saying and men typically operate as “less is more.” Just something to think about.
The letter comes across as incredibly loving and also has a few “digs” in it, that change the feeling of the letter. For example, you talk about how amazing he has been in your life, then the energy switches when you say this: It was also never my intention to take you from family or friends or anything like that. I wanted to be involved in all of that WITH you. That’s where your understanding of me faltered. So much for “rock solid.” This statement is basically pointing the finger at him for him misunderstanding you and you trying to defend/explain your behavior. The “so much for rock solid” gives off this feeling of sarcasm. It’s not directly sarcastic, but it has a flavor to it…it’s not a sentence that would leave him feeling good about what you are saying. Here is the other example where the energy of the paragraph is a bit contradictory: I love you with all of me still even though I know the truth and I know what you took from us here (I would like those back please). I know that I keep playing our last encounter over and over again trying to make sense of everything. I still hope to hear from you. I don’t believe I really deserved this… I know you left some details out, so I don’t understand what exactly the “truth” is that you are referring to, but to say “I love you with all my heart even though I know the truth” is a bit of a mixed message. I understand what you are trying to say…that you love him unconditionally, but to tell someone you love them unconditionally while pointing out something they did “wrong” can cause more of a defensive feeling on their part. So you want to just say I love you…and leave it at that. Do not pair it with anything that would be negative. If you want to request for something back, just leave it as a separate statement. In the beginning, you start with more business type of stuff, so that might be a good place to put your request, as well as the other stuff where you talk about changing his address. Put all of that stuff together and THEN lead into your feelings.
Lastly, each paragraph you talk about how much he has taught you, how much you have changed, you much you love him and how much you miss him and then the very last sentence you say “I don’t believe I really deserve this…” That sentence basically will negate everything you said before. That sentence is saying to him that you believe he is wrong in his decision. It carries a flavor of anger and it’s basically saying, in a very indirect way, that how you feel is right and how he feels is wrong. It’s a statement that causes separation. None of this is about “deserving.” What is happening here is that he has a story, feelings and experiences of you that feel right TO HIM. It doesn’t matter if you agree with his choice. What matters is that he feels validated, respected and listened to by you and saying “I don’t deserve this” doesn’t send that message to him. It’s telling him that he is wrong.
In summary, I would shorten the letter to a few short paragraphs. The first paragraph, go over the business stuff. The following paragraphs, share your feelings. I would stay away from the energy of trying to “convince” him that you have changed. Convincing has a flavor of “begging” and most guys are not interested in engaging in that kind of energy.
Here is how simple and clear you make this:
Scott, I want to thank you. Not only for being the most amazing and important person ever to have crossed my path but also for the hard lesson I had to learn in losing you. I didn’t see my anger for many years. It had been building since I was abandoned by my ex husband and I didn’t realize it. I’m truly sorry for the way I acted and for being so rude in the mornings. That is not the kind of person I want to be anymore and I’m working with my therapist on letting go of my past hurts that I realize now, I pinned on you. Here you apologize, own your behavior and then share the ACTION you are taking to improve.
I’m truly grateful to have been given the chance to love you so deeply. I know what it’s like to love completely unconditionally now and that, I must say, is new. I have a new respect for you as well as the peace you have found in you. You inspire me to be better, as I am working towards that inner peace now. Here is just you reiterating how much you love him and what you are working towards – again…action oriented (guy language).
I hope so much that you are happy and well. Please know how truly missed you are here. We all love you so much, even now, and the girls say told me to say hi and they miss you. If you ever feel like you want to talk, reach out anytime. I truly wish to respect your choice, so I will no longer be reaching out. This is a good closing statement.
This letter stays focused on 1 thing….HIM – how he impacted you, how sorry you are, how you are working to become better and that you love him. I want to encourage you to not go into all your pain and how much you miss him. It’s counterproductive to you wanting to let him know how much you love him. You want him to feel GOOD while reading the letter and NOT read about how much pain you are in and how empty you feel (that turns that focus from him onto you and your pain).
These are my thoughts. If there is anything you don’t understand about what I said, feel free to ask for clarification.
I hope this helps!
Heidi
You really have done everything you can. He is obviously very clear about his choice for right now. Like I said before, show him that you know how to respect his choice, even if you don’t like it. That builds trust, even though you aren’t together. You never know…you respecting his choice and not trying to push him to talk to you, may end up bringing him back to you after all. I hope that is what happens for you.
What do you feel like you will say in the note?
Heidi
That’s great! I love that you are less available and staying busy. It sounds like he is responding a little more to that approach.
I just want to warn you though….this approach will only work for so long. It’s very possible that if he starts to connect more and you start to respond and you both start to get close again, he may run. Whatever caused him to put his walls up in the first place has NOT changed. It’s still there. So just know that if you decide to let him into your life little by little, the end result may be exactly what it was the last time. Maybe not. Who knows. But just be aware and protective of your heart. What he did was uncaring and inauthentic. He bailed on you without an honest conversation and let you hanging, completely confused. He can absolutely do it again, so just know what you are stepping into, if you decide to keep moving forward with him.
Heidi
Hi Jacqueline,
Welcome! It sounds like there are a lot of layers happening in your situation. I can tell that you deeply care about him and only want to be close and happy.
I am so disappointed in myself for working so hard to become an important part of his life just to put us right back to square one. How do I fix this? I really want to encourage a different kind of mindset. I obviously do not know the details, but what I can tell from how you described things, is it seems like you are taking all the responsibility for what has happened. You are the one who pushed him away, you are the one who messed up, you are the one who did all this work to build intimacy. What about him? Is he involved at all? Do you give him credit for anything that has happened? What has HE done to learn how to be a better partner? What has HE done to help build intimacy? From what it sounds like, he is not emotionally available for you. It sounds like he is still dealing with his past and a lot of it has not resolved for him, so that, in and of itself, makes him not really available for you in the way that you want. Of course he is going to build you up and then his heart will shut off because he doesn’t trust love – and he will push you away. That has nothing to do with you. Any woman trying to access his heart would fail 100x over because his heart is wounded – and HE is the only one who can fix it.
So what that your insecurities came out! So what that you showed your emotions and asked for a break. You are just being human and messy and you said something you didn’t mean to say, but he agreed. I think, at the very least, this shows you how much he is NOT invested…not because of you, but because of the baggage he is carrying around from his divorce. I know you regret that moment, but in my mind, I see it as a moment where truth was exposed. He is not available nor invested in you to the level that you are to him….which just means that your relationship was going to break regardless. Even if you could take that moment back, something else would have happened down the road, because at the very foundation of this connection, is a man who is unavailable.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want to hear how to fix this, but what you are sharing, is NOT fixable by you. It’s not about you doing or saying the “right” thing. The core, root problem here lives within HIM not being ready to open his heart again. He truly needs to complete the process of his divorce and be single for a while and figure out who he is as a single guy again. That takes a lot of time. Divorce requires a lot of time to heal. It’s a major contract that has been broken and it impacts a person’s ability to be open to love again on such deep levels.
In a healthy relationship, BOTH people are allowed to be messy and insecure, because BOTH people are invested and supportive and forgiving. You worked INCREDIBLY hard to do everything “right” and it worked for a while, but what you were doing was just putting a bandaid over something that needs surgery. It was only a temporary fix. These techniques are not meant, nor designed to fix or heal deeper wounds that a person carries around. No technique has that kind of power.
I’m so sorry Jacqueline. I wish there were some super magic words that could open his heart to you. I know it hurts to see him slip through your fingers.
Would you be willing to give him space and maybe look at your own feelings? You picked a guy who is emotionally unavailable and has been playing the hot and cold game with you, yet you keep chasing him. Maybe take a look at your standards and how you are allowing yourself to be treated. Do you believe it’s possible to be with a guy who fights for you? Do you believe it’s possible for it to be okay that you are insecure and emotional and a guy will work through it WITH you? Do you believe it’s possible for a guy to feel so strongly for you that he cannot go a single day without connecting with you?
Heidi
Hi Devon,
Any word yet? I think you have done the best you can. The ball is in his court now and you just have to wait. I’m so sorry this isn’t turning out the way you want. As you continue to work on yourself, you will find healing and maybe even in that process, he will reach out.
Heidi
It sounds like you are getting what you want from him again. I know how good that feels. I hope it continues! I know how important he is to you.
Heidi
Yes it helps a lot. I trust myself. I trust the higher Power who knows everything and is supporting me through life every moment of every day. Beautiful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
I have disconnected with him now. It feels strange and empty. How did you disconnect? I know it feels strange and empty. That’s very normal. There is a hole where he once lived. That hole is what most people try and run from. You are being incredibly courageous by stepping into that feeling and working with it. Your Higher Power will fill that space up. Your self love will fill that space up.
One thing that has helped me in the past is to journal or talk into a recorder. Whenever feelings of missing him or being angry or feeling confused….whatever shows up, write it down or say it out loud….to him. Say to him what you wish you could say….and then release it. Meaning…let the words and feeling flow OUT of you, instead of feeling them in private or keeping them inside. LET IT OUT! It gives those feelings much less energy. I have written sooooo many letters to my exes. When I felt complete…I burned them all. I have kept recorders in my car so I could scream and yell at my ex. Talk to your friends and family as long as it is safe to do so. Dance how you feel. That is also a great way to move the emotions and not let them get stuck. Dance angry, dance hurt, dance longing, dance freedom….find the songs that support what you are feeling and move your body…and dance for all of us who have felt all of those same feelings!
I have many more ideas, so let me know if you want them. Bottom line is, have a plan about how to deal with the emptiness that is going to grow before it shrinks again. Support yourself as you start to develop a new mindset and let go of someone you loved very deeply.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s really helpful. You sure have been through a lot. Good for you for being willing to step back out there again and open your heart to having new experiences.
Please give me some concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship This is a bit of a layered and tough question, as there really is no “concrete” advice except this…live and breathe your standards. All the info you posted here are things that look good on paper, but that’s about as far as any of it goes. A loving, committed relationship begins within yourself. When you love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and are committed to taking care of your heart, then how you treat yourself becomes the gold standard for ANYONE who wants to be a deeper part of your life.
Imagine this…you are the CEO of a very valuable, important company….your heart. As the CEO, it’s your job to make sure that anyone applying to interact with your heart, has the qualities, skillsets, abilities and interest to take care of your company in the same way you do. So dating, is like the interview process. A resume may look amazing, but the hiring process is layered. You want to know what they are like in ACTION. Does their resume live up to who they actually are in person? And if you decide to hire them, it doesn’t mean they get instant access to the top their of your company. They start at the bottom and work their way up. They build trust, they show through their actions and words that they support the health and wellbeing of your company. It takes time, it takes them making mistakes and owning up to them, it takes consistency to show they can be relied upon, it takes them showing you that they have integrity in their word…and many more things BEFORE they get access to the top teir of your company. This is how you set the foundation to a loving committed relationship. It’s not about “them” it’s about BOTH of you together – the kind of team you make – how you both treat each other during the worst moments – how you both show up for each other during tough times…and much more. But it all start with YOU and your standards as to how you are treated. You are the one who sets the tone.
An old crush came back into my life back in April. He is an AMAZING guy! Intelligent, attractive, well-spoken, incredibly respectful and a really good person. I was falling for him again, BUT…I have standards. The more we talked, I noticed a pattern where when we talked, many times 2-3 hours at a time, it was mostly about him. He might ask me a question or 2 throughout the conversation, but mostly I was inserting my opinions and thoughts, not really being invited into the conversation by him. When I shared more personal stories, he never had a question, opinion, or comment beyond “Wow…that sounds amazing” and then he would move on to the next subject. I decided to disengage. No matter how great this guy is, his level of curiosity about me as a person, was not very high. I spent hours asking him question after question and commenting on his stories and life, yet he didn’t reciprocate. This is what I mean by living and breathing your standards. I am VERY clear about what I require if I am going to feel vibrant, nourished, seen, appreciated and valued in a relationship. So instead of asking for “concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship” I want to invite you into getting VERY clear about your non-negotiables and dating from that mindset…never settling. The right fit will fall into place naturally. You won’t need to “do” “say” or “be” anything other than who you are.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I LOVE that you are finding peace and solace in the divine. There is no better place is there? So have you released him? How are you doing? What feelings are coming up?
Trusting another person is also going to be very difficult. Let’s talk about this a bit. I’d like to offer you a different perspective on trust. Trust begins within yourself. That is the foundation. So instead of saying “It will be difficult to trusting another person” – which is relying on someone else to behave in a certain way in order for you to feel safe and open – which there IS some truth to that, but more importantly is activating self-trust which says “I trust that no matter what happens, no matter how anyone behaves, no matter what someone says or doesn’t say, I will be okay. I trust in my resilience. I trust in my skillset to handle stress. I trust I can handle whatever challenges show up.” Do you understand and feel the difference?
Moving through life LEADING with self-trust, allows you to take risks again. Love is risky and there is no way around it. But when you have self-trust, you can move forward when you are inspired and trust that no matter how he shows up, you know how to support yourself and handle it in a healthy way.
Does this help?
Heidi
