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Hi Kristy
Welcome to the forum! This must be really confusing for you and heartbreaking. It’s awful to find out his true feelings this way. It was pretty awful of him to do it in the way that he did…it was a very uncaring thing for him to do to you. I know your heart is hurting. Breakups are incredibly difficult.
Would you mind sharing more details about what happened? From what you shared, it doesn’t sound like there was anything missing from your relationship. It sounds like he is still in love with his ex…and that is NOT something you can fix or change. How long ago did they break up? How long did they go out? Was she the ex before you? Did he ever talk about what happened between them?
You said you know he still has feelings for you. How do you know that? When he said it can’t be fixed, does he mean his feelings for his ex aren’t going to change or was he referring to something else? I’m not sure if you guys discussed the dynamics of your relationship. Did he admit to not feeling happy or anything of that nature? Or is his heart just not available?
Heidi
It sounds like you feel complete here. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I’m honored. Keep up the good work. Dealing with mental health challenges is not easy AND you are learning so much. You are a fighter and you are doing great work. That keeps you empowered instead of being a victim, so well done! Come back anytime!
Heidi
Oh this is great news! I’m so glad you guys had a great time!!!
As far as talking about having sex, that part is up to you. There are 2 ways to approach it. First, say nothing. Don’t acknowledge it and don’t put any big meaning on it and don’t expect it to happen again. If it does, then great! You can talk about it at that point possibly.
The second option is to talk about it, but in a very specific way. Do not talk about the meaning of it. It’s important to understand that guys are much better equipped to have sex without meaning and be okay with it. I’m not saying that is what he did, but you still want to not put any pressure on him about feelings and getting back together. How do CAN talk about it though, is in relation to YOU and what you need. You can say something like, “Listen…the other night was so wonderful for me. It felt incredible to be connected with you again. I need to say though…I still have very strong feelings for you, so having sex is hard for me knowing that you are not ready to be with me again. I completely honor the space you are in and I need you to honor me in that I don’t want to have sex with you again, until you are really ready to step back in and give this another try. My heart just can’t take it otherwise….” Personally, I would say something like this. I think it’s very important that he knows that he can’t just connect with you like that anytime he wants and then walk away. That is you allowing him to use you and not pay attention to how it makes you feel. So setting this boundary puts him in check and is you protecting your beautiful and sacred heart. Sex with someone you love is NOT a casual thing and needs to be within a container you both agree upon. Plus, setting this boundary can absolutely increase his respect for you. When a girl who wants her man back says NO to sex…that tells the guy that she is not willing to do ANYTHING to get him back…that he still has to work for it and earn her her body and earn her intimacy. Does this make sense?
So it’s up to you!
Heidi
Oh I’m excited about him joining you at the wedding. I’m assuming it happened already. How did it go?
I love that you are feeling less and less of a need to have control over how things go between you guys. It’s a great lesson to learn and one that is useful for EVERYONE!!!
And yes, keep following his lead until it doesn’t serve you anymore. When and if it gets to that point, you will deal with it then. Until then, you are doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
Is that something I should do? To really think about what needs I have. Absolutely. If he does want to come back, then you have to be VERY clear about what it’s going to take to get back together. You both do not want to step back into the same design of relationship, so you BOTH need to be very clear about what a “new” relationship would look like. Talking about what does work and what doesn’t work is important…and to be on the same page about that. So your side of the equation is important. Be clear about what you NEED to happen if he is going to come back into your life, otherwise it will be very easy to fall back into old habits.
So…imagine having that conversation with him. What do you NEED differently from him in order to feel like the partnership is really working for BOTH of you?
Heidi
How are you doing? I know it’s a struggle not to interpret all his signals. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is taking the lead here and you just following is helping to build trust between you guys.
I’m trying to build confidence but he knows me and maybe sees that I’m faking it to make myself believe it too! It’s okay that he sees your insecurities. We ALL have them. A good partner sees them and accepts that part of ourselves. No need to fake it. It’s important to embrace your insecurities…own them! The healthy way to do that is just accepting it’s part of who you are and not putting your insecurities onto anyone else. So if you are feeling insecure in a moment, just say it, own it, laugh at it and love yourself through it.
Any update about the wedding?
Heidi
I don’t necessarily need much in a relationship and honestly all I look for is honesty, loyalty, humour and compassion. You need more than you realize…you’ve just never had to think about it this way.
What if you owned a company and you needed to hire someone to take care of the most valuable aspects of your company. Would all you require is humour, compassion, honesty and loyalty? Those are absolutely important aspects, but far from the full list of what you would need from someone you would trust to run your company. You need communication, you need someone who is good with people, you need someone who has a vision and knows how to make it happen, right? It’s the same exact principle when looking for a partner. A place to start is looking at all the aspects of life in general… health, money, family etc. There is a lot to look at in order to truly understand what your needs are, beyond your wants. So what kinds of qualities would you look for when searching for a partner to run your business WITH you?
Like it still feels like we’re in a relationship and happy. It sounds like a part of you may be in denial. It’s not unusual when not wanting to face something really difficult and it’s okay that you still feel that way sometimes. Next time you notice that feeling, bring that part of yourself into the reality of what is happening. It’s important to be fully in reality instead of being in part reality and part fantasy. Tell that part of yourself “It’s over. We are not together anymore and it’s going to be okay.”
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
I wish I could just help him realize that dating can be fun and having the experience of a relationship without the pressure can be a good thing. This is how dating is supposed to be. He is putting sooooooo much pressure on himself and it’s all driven by fear. Instead of facing his fear, he is letting his fear drive his dating life. You don’t know if someone is capable of a long term relationship until you spend many many many months together. You have to fight, you have to laugh, you have to travel, you have to experience all kinds of things to figure out if there is long term compatibility. So…he really is going about this in an extremely difficult way that sets him up for failure, more than anything. Is his approach to dating part of your religious belief structure? I’m wondering why he is approaching dating this way…like if he was taught this or it strictly is something he made up for himself.
If you were to date, you cannot guarantee that he wouldn’t regret it. You are assuming that you guys would just have an amazing time, but who knows what would happen. Dating is a risk and that means dating you carries the potential for some serious heartbreak and pain and hurt for both or either of you. That potential exists just as much as the potential for you guys to have a long future. So instead of wanting to convince him of something you don’t have control over, it would be more about convincing him that no matter what happens, you will be okay and so will he…THAT is the truth. It’s one of the main ways to face fear…you get more connected to the truth that you are resourceful, resilient, strong and supported in life and no matter how things turn out, you will figure out how to navigate it and get back up your feet. The odds of him being able to get behind THAT truth are much higher than anything else you could say to him.
Heidi
Okay…so if you want him to “earn” you back, what exactly does that mean for you? What does he need to DO in order to get back into your life? Being clear about what EXACTLY it takes for him to get back in, IF he wants to…is imperative. You BOTH have to be on the same page in order to move forward. If your specific requirements are things that he does not align with, does that mean you are willing to completely let him go?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome! We are glad you are here sharing your story. Let’s see if we can shed some light onto your situation.
First, I’m wondering why you think you did something “wrong.” Did he say that he wasn’t interested because of the “stupid” thing you said? Something to think about…if saying “stupid” things is something you do all the time, you deserve to be loved and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE! So if this guy has trouble with that, he is not a good match for you. I’m curious…how many relationships have you been in? Are you experienced with dating?
He expressed to me that he won’t start dating a girl until he sees himself marrying her since he is scared to ever hurt a girls feelings. This is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flag. His thinking about love and marriage is very unrealistic and that makes him incredibly fragile and a very difficult partner. If he cannot handle hurting a woman, he has no business being in any kind of relationship at all. Love REQUIRES being hurt AND hurting. It’s just a normal part of connection and marriage and he is fooling himself into thinking that marriage offers any kind of security. Marriage is NOT a guarantee of anything. If he cannot even handle the risk to date a girl and have it not work out, then he sure as heck is not going to be very good at marriage. His reasoning and thinking is VERY young and not mature.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but being in a relationship with this guy would be EXTREMELY challenging. He has no idea who the heck he is in a relationship, how to handle the disappointments and triggers that show up in relationship, how to communicate through difficult times etc.
I understand you are really enjoying his connection and I’m not trying to change your mind. I just am warning you about what you are wanting to step into.
Did he say why he didn’t see you as potential? It sounds like you guys have a really good connection and friendship and enjoy so many of the same things. It’s strange that he has hung out with you for such extended periods of time but then decided he didn’t want to date you. So I’m looking for any kind of clear reason as to why he changed his mind.
Heidi
This is a great question, as it allows you to explore how you really feel.
How we treat ourselves, first and foremost, is how we end up teaching other people how to treat us. So if a guy breaks up and then wants to get back together and the girl says yes, she is teaching him that he is allowed to change his mind, without any specific requirements, agreements etc. and that she will just go along with it. A woman who has a lot of respect for herself and REQUIRES people to treat her with respect and kindness, she has standards. With standards, that means that she doesn’t just accept anybody into her inner circle. A person has to EARN the right to be in her inner circle, because she KNOWS she is valuable and her inner circle is a sacred, sacred space. That means she is discerning.
So…the answer to your question is more about YOUR standards and if you like your standards. Does he meet your standards? Do you want to say yes without really changing anything?
Heidi
Great! I’m so glad you love that question. It’s a tough one to answer sometimes, as it always puts the responsibility of meeting your needs in your own hands…and many people don’t want to do that kind of work.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the time that you guys had together! It sounds fantastic and wonderful and exactly what was needed. Well done on not pushing the relationship topic!!! You are doing such an amazing job!
My worry is that he’s going to be content with this friendship and not want to be in a relationship since it almost feels the same as what we had, just less consistent I understand this worry. Whenever you get worried, about anything in life, take a moment and re-connect yourself back to the truth….YOU WILL BE OKAY. There is no way to know how things will turn out…that is life in general. The only thing you can truly rely on EVER…is yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that however this turns out, you will figure out how to honor and love yourself through the very worst if that is what ends up happening. Even if the best ends up happening and you guys get back together, the worst can happen again and you lose him. My point is…when worry comes up and you are trying to look for some kind of solid answer to easy the worry, the ONLY answer that is 100% true is that you are resourceful and resilient and you will be okay no matter what shows up from day to day. Does this help?
Heidi
So when we did, maybe that kind of triggered other people leaving. This is a really good place to start. It’s incredibly difficult to feel totally invested in someone and then all of a sudden, in a confusing and shocking way, they decide to disconnect. It would be INCREDIBLY difficult to trust in any kind of connection, right? Of course it would trigger obsession the moment your guy disconnected the first time. We ALL have those types of experiences in our lives and it shapes our relationship with love and how we experience it. The truth about any relationship, is there is NEVER a guarantee. Relationship is a choice…always. So 30 years together DOES NOT guarantee another day together. That’s the hardest part about connection. It’s always a risk. The goal is, having the strength to risk and KNOWING that if it doesn’t sustain, for whatever reason, that you will be okay and figure out how to heal and grow from the experience. The idea is, each experience is meant to teach you about yourself and expand you…and then you move forward, hopefully not holding onto the pain from that past – which is really difficult unless you forgive and release the pain of the past. If you are dealing with depression, then that is letting you know there is a lot of pain from your past that you are holding onto and that hasn’t been resolved.
It’s a TON of pressure on either partner, to be the main confidant. When someone doesn’t have the support and connection with close friends, the partner ends up taking on a lot of attention that really is best to be directed towards friends. For a healthy connection, it’s important for BOTH people to have separate friends and separate lives – it helps keep the relationship more expanded. I’m so so sorry you have had to struggle with friendships. It’s awful what you have been through.
Sorry, I’m just feeling a lot right now, and I’m definitely overwhelmed with a lot of emotions and I’m trying to figure out how to move forward and I’m trying to figure out how to strengthen our connection once we get back on speaking terms.This is very normal. Separation from someone you love activates a serious emotional rollercoaster. Go with the flow and expect all of it at any time. One thing that was helpful for me after the hardest breakup was talking into a recorder whenever I felt what I felt. There is so much to say and feel and it’s important for it all to come OUT in healthy ways. Talking into a recorder, journaling, dancing your feelings, artwork your feelings, take a foam bat to a pillow…there are SO many ways to express how you feel in the moment. It’s important to give it all the space and time to exist WITHOUT judgment. You have a lot you have been carrying around for years, so this breakup is triggering ALL of it. It’s going to take some time. Stay committed to your growth and keep your attention on YOU. When you start to find yourself in the future about him, STOP yourself. Stay present. One moment at a time. The future thinking can absolutely stall and distract you from today. The future are just stories that are made up by your mind that have ZERO truth or reality to it…that’s why it’s a very dangerous place to live. It activates fear and that is what you need to stay away from for healing.
But I worry because so many people have change their minds about me and many people have left me after telling me that they would always be there and after telling me that they care and love me so much.I’m so sorry. This is so hard and the reality of relationship. I have lost soooo many people in my life as well. There is no such thing as forever, so as much as people say they love you and care about you and will always be there…it’s true in THAT moment. Love is a daily choice. I always encourage people to NOT use the words ALWAYS or NEVER – i.e. I will “always” be there for you or I will “never” leave you…those are promises that just are not realistic….because life happens. Children die, people cheat, accidents happen, sickness shows up.
A more healthy “promise” that anyone can keep is “I will always work on being honest and authentic. I want to be the best kind of partner I can possibly be. I will keep growing and learning about myself.” Those are the forever kind of promises that can actually be kept.One day at a time right now.
Heidi
