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Hi Ana,
I just want to reflect certain things back to you before heading into what to do next about your situation.
First, older generations were actually NOT happier. Many people married for money and security and procreation. Yes, they had less options, therefore divorce was not as much of an option as it is today. Religion had quite the hold on older generations….so actually, it was found that although there was much less divorce, it did not correlate with how happy people were. Today the divorce rate being over 50% is in large part due to people picking a partner that does not have sustainability. Their original choice is with someone who cannot go the distance. People are getting married much too quickly. People are getting married and making partner choices because of how they FEEL with that person and choosing to ignore all the red flags that were there right from the beginning. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have talked with people over the years, who were divorced and when I asked if they saw it coming before they got married and 99% of the people did. They knew the red flags before they got married, but because there was such a strong connection and history, they ignored the warning signs and hoped for the best.
I understand the connection you feel with him. I understand you believe you are good together. You can absolutely choose not to give up and keep fighting for him, but would you also be willing to recognize the huge red flags exist here? With everything we keep telling you and showing you about the dysfunction that is happening here, it seems you keep ignoring it and wanting to just keep your eyes focused on how good you are together and ignore the areas where you are not good together. Those areas deserve just as much attention, if not more than anything else. I said this before….the success of a relationship has EVERYTHING to do with how well you treat each other in the most challenging and stressful situations. Is there respect, is there kindness, is there connection, is there a commitment to work through things? Anything less than this, the relationship will eventually fall apart….it doesn’t matter how good you are together when things are good. It matters more how good you are together when things are really tough.
From what you have explained, he blames you, doesn’t take responsibility for how things are unfolding, he doesn’t listen very well and he sends a lot of mixed messages. So understand that his being this way has nothing to do with YOUR insecurities or inexperience. This is what he is bringing to the table. You bring other things to the table and you guys together are a hot mess when things get rough. It will continue to be like this. You will continue to go round and round through this same exact pattern no matter what you do…because he is who he is. There is a rollercoaster ride, no doubt. He is quite manipulative and you are trying to master the situation with someone who is not willing to own up to the games he is playing. You are right that all of your problems and his problems won….and you know what??? It’s supposed to be like that! We all come to the table with crap that we are carrying from our past. The relationships that work are the ones where BOTH people acknowledge it, talk about it, work with it TOGETHER. Your challenge here is, he is not willing to admit to the crap he is bringing to the table IN THE MOMENT. Anytime there is confusion or challenge with you….he is immediately blaming you for what is happening. If he were willing to listen to you, your feelings, your experience and allow your voice to matter, then you would have something to work with here.
With all of that being said, you still get to hop on that rollercoaster and keep playing the game.
With what you are saying to him, it is confusing. You say you are taking time to heal and he doesn’t even understand what that means. If you want him back, I would say your best bet is to just let it all go. Let go of all the hurt, let go of all the confusion and just keep your eyes focused on being good together. He is unclear about how you feel, so I am wondering if you just told him something like this…”Listen. I know we are good together. I feel a strong connection to you and I want to keep feeling that. I want to keep getting to know you. You are worth it to me. You make me laugh, you make me feel alive in a way I haven’t felt with anyone else and I think those things matter. So I just want to forget about the past and keep getting to know you. I realized I was being silly and I have a lot to learn. I hope you can have patience with me as this is all new for me. Can we just keep moving forward and have some fun together?”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
I totally get it. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to face the choice of someone to disconnect and I have NO CLUE why! I just had to deal with that actually, about a month ago. My website designer / person just all of a sudden stopped working for me. No clue why and she wasn’t willing to say anything about it. All I could do was accept it and move on. I was able to do that much easier because I have had the practice to develop the skill of learning how to get comfortable in the “unknown.” What it really comes down to is this…maybe you did do something to trigger this…but that fact that it’s a trigger in the first place means it ON HIM and not you. Bottom line is this…us humans are messy and imperfect and wonderful and amazing, all at the same time. It’s about finding someone who has the strength to know that and handle it all with respect, grace and kindness. No matter what you did or said or who you were….you were just being you and he obviously doesn’t have what it takes to embrace that fully and completely. That’s the answer Dawn. The details as to why he doesn’t have that ability don’t even matter right? It just matters that you now have information about him that tells you he is not a good match for you. You don’t want a guy who disappears, right? You want a guy who has the strength to be honest and authentic, even if it’s difficult and could hurt your feelings. He is not that guy. So it doesn’t even matter what his choice is anymore…would he be your choice, considering what you know about him now?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I understand your confusion, because it is a confusing situation. The best way to find peace inside of yourself, is to find your peace inside your heart in accepting what the situation is RIGHT NOW. All we have is the present moment right? Who knows what will happen, even tomorrow.
Here is something I noticed from your last post….you might have a pattern of putting your power into the guy’s hands. You are confused about B because you don’t know what HE wants. Your ex has come back into the picture and you know that if he chases you enough, you will give in….which again, it is going back to what HE wants. Do you have a patter of letting the guy influence your choices….where you give the guy your power and go along with whatever he wants vs. what you want? Just curious…
The way to find peace within this situation is to decide what YOU want. So here is a homework assignment for you….
I call it the non-negotiable list. I’m usually not a fan of “lists” but this one…I’m sold on. I’ve used it for a good 20 years now. Make a list of all the qualities you HAVE to have in a relationship in order for it work FOR YOU! It’s a work in progress of course, because as you change, the list changes. But understand, that whatever goes on that list, ITS NON NEGOTIABLE. You CANNOT LIVE in a relationship and be happy without these qualities.
For example….here are a few things on my list, in no specific order as they are all equally non-negotiable.
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. High emotional intelligence
4. Has a spiritual practice / belief that is similar enough to mine that they don’t have conflict
5. Treats me, others and himself with respect, even in his worst, most stressful momentsNow….I originally had athlete where active was, because I am an athlete as well…but then I dated a guy for awhile who just active…he went hiking, he worked out, he road his bike places…and I discovered that was totally okay for me! Would I prefer and athlete? Absolutely, but bottom line is, as long as he is active…we are good to go! SO that’s how your list will evolve and change over time. Everything on that list should be tested and really questioned by you, so you get to know what your bottom line is. If you come across a guy who has 9 out of 10 things on your non-negotiable list, then it’s a NO GO! Even missing 1 quality on that list, means the relationship WILL NOT work. That’s why it’s important to test out everything on your list to make sure it’s solid. Those 5 qualities on my list above have been tested and tested and tested and still are holding on strong…for years now. So they are pretty solid. I know that without these qualities in a relationship….I won’t last.
My point in this, is to help you get to know what you REALLY want…I don’t care how hard a guy chases you….he should not EVER get to be in that VERY SACRED space of your heart, unless he has earned the right to be there!
The non negotiable list is your guide. When you are dating, you use your list to test out different qualities and just have some fun and try out different things. The list is not a crucial thing to pay attention to. When you are looking to get serious, fall in love, get married, that’s when the list needs to be at the forefront.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tarsha!
Welcome!! We would love to help! Would you be willing to offer more information. We can offer more specific guidance when we understand the situation more.
Why did you break up? How long have you been together? Why do you want him back? Do you know why he pulled away? Are you guys still communicating at all?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I first want to clear up that in my post, I was NOT saying to break up and walk away. My apologies that you saw it that way! My intent was to help you clearly understand what you are walking into first and foremost. You, of course, still get to fight for you guy, but with the FULL awareness that you are choosing a guy who isn’t good at communicating and when the stress reaches a certain level, the odds on him disconnecting and going into his cave are really high. I’m emphasizing this because when picking a person you want to be deeply involved in your life, whether a romantic interest or friend, one of the most important factors to the success of that relationship, is how you treat each other during the worst moments, the most stressful moments and the most hurtful moments. Yes, December was extremely difficult. I don’t know anyone who is good with death. You lost your dog and I am so, so sorry. Losing one of your animal family members breaks the heart in a very unique and extremely painful way. Combine that with all the other things you mentioned and you have a perfect storm of stress that was enough for him to choose to disconnect. This is what I am saying is important for you to know about him. When the stress if enough or even just the right kind of stress, you see how a person responds….and that will make or break a relationship. It doesn’t matter what his past patterns were…you are learning something new about him now. It’s great that he was willing to work on his communication, but now he is not. Whatever has happened is SO BIG that he is not willing to work on communication anymore.
Does this mean you need to give up on him? Absolutely not. What is important is that you see and choose him, FOR ALL THAT HE IS, even with his choice to disconnect…which if the stress is high enough, will be his choice again in the future. You absolutely get to choose him Dana and you should! That is what you are determined to do and to exhaust every possibility there is…and that is so important! He is very lucky to have a lady like you by his side, even though he is not appreciating that in the moment. From what it sounds like, he had a MOUNTAIN full of stress and he needed to unload something so he wouldn’t break. My guess is, you were the only thing he had control over. He couldn’t change work or that fact that he is feeling bad about himself, but he could change the fact of not dealing with any emotional upset from you. I imagine that if you had this fight at another time, when the month was not so challenging, it would have been a different result.
Of course you are crying every single day. You just lost your dog and now you lost your best friend. Who wouldn’t be balling their eyes out all the time? When I lost my first dog (2 years ago), I cried several times a day for weeks! Just that alone is beyond challenging and now you don’t have your guy to lean on for comfort. I understand your need to fix this as soon as possible. It’s so much loss, you of course want reconciliation so you don’t have to the feel the loss of him anymore. Your heart is broken.
The thing about our programs is that it’s a good starting place. Because everybody’s situation is so different, it’s important for you to take the information and apply what works, experiment with different techniques and try to just get the ball rolling. To try to figure out the EXACT date you should contact him again…well that’s really up to you. We can recommend, but ultimately, it’s about you staying connected to your intuition and deciding for yourself. Typically though, it’s recommended in the material, to wait about 3 weeks before contacting him. So if you want to use that suggestion, I think you may have a little less than 2 weeks to go.
A good ice breaker text can be something to the effect of, “I admit it…I miss you like crazy. I think the thing I miss the most is your hugs. I always felt safe in your arms, no matter what was going on for me. I hope you are doing okay. I know December was a really difficult month, especially for me. Hopefully January is better to you.”
You can say something simple, short and offer a compliment and make it statement. Start with something like that and see if he ends up responding. Then you can try to activate his hero instinct after that. It doesn’t have to be about something for him to fix or anything…it can also be advice of some sort….maybe asking advice about a restaurant, or something about his culture, or something he has more and expert opinion on…he is in Real Estate, so maybe you have a “friend” who is looking to buy a house….does he have a good real estate agent that he would recommend? Does this give you some ideas?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Yes, it makes total sense. I figured you would answer in this particular way. It all makes perfect sense to me and even if it didn’t make sense to anyone, it doesn’t matter. For someone like you, who has quite an incredible amount of accountability, has done a TON of healing in her own life and will forever be on that path in some sort of fashion….I fully and completely believe that you know best in this situation. Many people are not connected to the deeper truths behind their decisions they make in their romantic life and it usually is quite the process to guide them there, even if they are willing.
For you, you have an understanding of all the dynamics available to you at this present moment….and with how you feel and what you know about all of those dynamics, you KNOW you want to stay, even if it means putting your romantic life on hold, just for now. You are the only one who will know when you are done. That moment may never happen….it is very possible you can create what it is that you want! I trust your process!
I never once have told people this on this forum, but for some reason, I feel like you might enjoy a session with me. I am a certified Akashi Records Consultant. If you go to my website http://www.heidigoodrich.com I explain what that is. I feel like doing a session with you, might bring more peace into your life about this situation and even help you understand more of the deeper and more unseen dynamics happening. You can contact me through my website if it interests you.
I have to run at the moment and have more to say, so I’ll be back!
Heidi
Wonderful! This is such a great exercise to look people in the eye for longer periods of time. Keep practicing that!
Sometimes it is helpful to know how others view you to contradict how you view yourself. One thing I have done my entire life is contradict some of my low self esteem beliefs by talking other people about their thoughts on the subject. For example, if I thought that sitting alone in a cafe meant that people might think bad about me in some way, I would go around and ask many, many people “What kinds of thoughts do you have about a person sitting alone in a cafe?” My goal is to not make my opinion and thoughts the ONLY version. Truth is, there are always a gazillion perspectives and opinions about any situation, but many times, 90% of people may feel the same exact way. So discovering that 90% of people view someone sitting alone in a cafe as no big deal or even really cool that someone is spending time alone instead and has the strength to be alone instead of always needing to be with someone….then maybe decide to take on that perspective.
What you are doing is assuming that you know how everyone is going to think about you in any given situation. You are literally thinking and forming their opinions about you….without even talking to them or even knowing them….and the thoughts and feelings you are assuming everyone is feeling is all negative. It’s not really fair for you to decide what everyone is feeling right? So why not start asking people what they think and feel and let them think for themselves?? That can be another fun adventure you can start to take.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
3 weeks is a suggestion that comes from the course material. Truth is though, using your feminine intuition with situation, means it might end up being shorter or a little longer. Have you gone through that course material yet? Developing your feminine intuition?
I don’t know why he isn’t responding to your message about his sexy smile. It might be because he is trying to keep distance for the moment, it might be that the text got buried and he forgot to respond or he might even think that he did respond already. Who knows. All you can do is continue on with your life, throw out a few more signals, be patient and see if he ends up responding at some point.
I wouldn’T be surprised if he just doesn’t have the capacity to offer you anything romantic right now, especially if he is facing another surgery. He may even feel like he doesn’t want you to see him this way, since he doesn’t like himself very much right now.
What if you just took the friend approach with him. Meaning, forget about who contacts who, just be a good support and that’s it. Maybe towards the end of the year, he will be more available romantically after recovering from everything he has to go through. With this mindset, you can still be flirty and have fun, but you just won’t need anything from him and it could take the pressure off of both of you. I know that is technically what you guys already are, but the underlying, unspoken energy is still there and being felt by both people. What if you just took that away and looked at him as a fun friend and not trying to figure him out? With that energy, it really won’t matter who is doing what and you can just be yourself.
So essentially, it’s putting in your mind that he just isn’t available right now, so you are going to approach this as a friendship vs. a romantic interest at this time.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I”m so sorry for how all of this happening. The difficult part about relationships and dating, is the very first time there is a real argument. You both get to see how each person handles the stress and how you treat each other. You see lifelong patterns show up. His pattern is to obviously run away.
What he is doing is passive aggressive. I know this pattern very well because I used to be like that. If someone hurt my feelings, I would torture them by not responding, knowing that it was causing them great hurt. He is still watching your videos because he does care for you and a part of him does want to stay connected to you, but he also has another side to him that is MUCH STRONGER, that is acting like a 2 year old and holding back his energy.
This is important for you to know about him, because this is who he is! Anytime you guys get into an argument, this is how he will respond. An adult, will talk things through. He has a lot of wounds he is carrying around and instead of talking with you and being honest about his feelings and creating a space for closure and healing, he is just not responding. There is a wall that went up. I know that wall very well!
Before we go any further, I just want to make sure you understand what you are getting into. Any major emotional reaction you have about him or any time you hurt his feelings, this is how he is going to respond. He is going to cut you off and become distant and unavailable. Is this okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
To be honest, I am still really confused. I understand you want to be with him, but it seems like you are creating this whole plan behind the scenes and he has no clue what you are doing. Does he know what you want? Does he know how you feel? Does he know what you are doing?
You say you care about him in this text message, then immediately end the conversation. I know you say you want to give him space, but does he know that is what you are doing? He could take that as you not being very interested. Your words may say that “I care about you” but your action of ending the conversation very quickly tells him you are not that interested in him.
What is it that you want? I understand you want to be with him…you are at an 8. So what is stopping you from creating that? What is stopping you from having an honest conversation with him?
It doesn’t have to be very serious. You barely know each other and are still in the phase of just learning about each other. What is stopping you from just dating him? Help me understand this more….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! What a fun life you have for the next few weeks. Good job with creating some adventure in your life!
It sounds like a solid plan is in place. Go have some fun for the next few weeks and wait for him to reach out to you. Then, if he hasn’t reached out in 3 weeks, we can discuss what kind of hero instinct you can activate from him.
You really are doing a wonderful job just being aware of yourself and asking for help and guidance. You really have learned from those past situations and taking different actions this time around. Well done!!! It’s not an easy journey and he is a bit confusing. It’s a bit of an odd situation considering his surgery.
So just keep having patience and see what ends up happening. He needs to step up now. You have made yourself available and you have flat out said you were attracted to him, so now he needs to do something about that by at least initiating another conversation.
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! This is a really tough situation.
It sounds like something has happened. My first gut response is that he is probably married and when he goes on business trips, he connects with a woman, hooks up and then when he returns home, he stops connecting with them. It’s a great way to cheat and never get caught as the other women are in other countries, so his wife would never really end up finding out.
I am ALWAYS suspicious of a guy who talks marriage, relationships etc. on the first date. He immediately tried to grab your hand when you first met. He told you he doesn’t know how you don’t have a boyfriend. He really buttered you up. He really used all the words that women LOVE to hear to have you open your heart, which in the end, meant that you would have sex with him. My very strong guess is that he has done this before many times.
Now, he hooked you and so his way of dealing with it is to just ignore you and hope that you go away. You keep sending him messages and he won’t respond and he most likely never will. What you miss about him isn’t real.
Even if all of it wasn’t a game to him, you deserve more than this! You deserve to be with a guy who is able to follow through on what he says. He is NOT that person and he has shown that to you. YUCK! Stay away from this guy!
I know it is easier said than done, but it’s important that you move on from this guy. He is not available for you nor cares about how you feel. If he cared about your feelings, he would be responding. At the very least, it would be a kind thing to just even say, “I know we had a great time, but I am no longer interested.” Instead he just keeps ignoring you. You don’t want a guy like that in your life!
You are hanging onto a fantasy about him. You barely know him and he used every trick in the book to get what he wanted from you and then has walked away. That is the truth about who he is.
I am so sorry!!! This is a good lesson for you to learn for the future. It’s important to be cautious…especially about men coming from another country. Tinder for example, is a dating site, where it was discovered through a survey that OVER 50% of the people on the site were already in a serious relationship. I always keep that kind of info. in my mind if I decide to ever use a dating site.
I wish I could make this better for you as you I have no doubt your heart is hurting. Help it heal by letting go of this guy. He doesn’t deserve you or your attentions or your heart energy!
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
Any woman would end up with a fog considering how he activated all of your hopes and dreams and possibilities….then in one fail swoop, he ripped it all away. Something happened…whether it was something he got afraid of or there is something else going on that you have no clue about…it’s a very unkind thing to do to a person. To go from being connective, talking about the future an taking you down 1 path and then one day tell you nope….that’s not the path anymore…without any discussion or honoring you of how that might make you feel…that’s a HUGE red flag to me!
Why not get ahead of this and send him a text saying….”You are right. I do want a relationship. I do want to fall in love and create a life with a man. Since you are not able to offer that and I am now in the friend zone, I need to create closure for myself so my heart can heal from the loss of where I thought we were going. I had a wonderful time getting to know you and even getting to know myself again, so thank you! I am now kindly requesting that you no longer contact me. I wish you all the best!”
This way, you create closure and allow yourself to feel that ending so you can deal with it now.
What do you think?Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I understand how good you feel when you are around him. That’s a very difficult thing to let go of. You are focusing on all the good qualities, but you are not making the not so good qualities part of your story or vision of him. You want to keep holding onto the good, but with that comes the challenges.
First of all, I wonder why he kept you a secret at the party. That isn’t normal. He is hiding something. If he is hiding something from his own friends, doesn’t that make you wonder? You are the one initiating the conversations and you are pretty much just going along for the ride of whatever design of relationship he is willing to offer.
My question to you is…where are you creating what YOU want in this? I think if you spoke up about what you want, you would lose him, because he cannot offer that to you…and is not willing….for whatever reason.
As great as you guys are together….he is not an option for you. He is not available. When a guy says that, it’s important to listen to him. I know you want to change your mind, but after being invited to his party as just a friend and him being very clear that he doesn’t want anyone to know you dated….he is not someone you want to get involved with. It’s not okay for you to be hidden….EVER! You deserve more than that. Love yourself enough to choose to be with a guy who is proud to have you on his arm where you guys go….anything less than that is unacceptable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Thank you for all the detail. You guys are definitely flirting for sure. The one thing I noticed is that you both are doing a lot of flirting, but a rejecting type of tone to it….kind of smart ass flirting. That can be really fun sometimes, but how much you both are doing, it actually can shift the energy and not take you down the path you want. It actually doesn’t create bonding…it can cause separation.
You can easily change this dynamic. You want to respond by building the energy of the flirting instead of cutting it down by being a smart ass. So if he says “you are so mean to me….” you can say something like, “I can actually show you how nice I really am…..” So….when and if things start back up again, be softer and more receptive to his flirting and a lot less “combative.” You can throw that in there sometimes, but just every once in awhile.
To be honest, it just sounds like neither of you are really sure about what you want or how the other person is feeling. I wouldn’t give too much thought to his comment about not being into it right now. He is a bit lost and not feeling like himself, so is feelings all kinds of things right now.
It’s a bummer he hasn’t responded. Give it a few more days. There are so many things that could have happened that have nothing to do with you. Give it more time and then you can say something like, “I have something for you. I missed a chance of a lifetime to be your nurse, so it’s a small way to make up for it.” and then see if he responds. This is where you can bake something for him. Maybe bake cookies but make him a cookie that is EXTRA EXTRA big. You obviously have to deliver it in person, so you just say, “I need to see you to give it to you and I’m not telling you what it is.” THen when you give it to him, you be flirty again and say “there’s a lot of healing ingredients in this cookie….”
What do you think?
Heidi
