[Heidi G]

Hi Peggy,

It sounds like the both of you are very like-minded in how you live your lives. It makes the flow of relationship soooo much easier right??? How did you meet this guy btw?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristen,

Thank you for sharing your challenges and being here. I know how frustrating it is to be with someone who is so fragile when confronting him about your feelings.

First, it’s hard to say “why” he has this kind of response. There are 2 main things that affect how someone responds to a situation where they are being confronted. 1: it’s how the other person is confronting them. If the other person is confronting in a way that makes them feel attacked and need to defend, that could explain the defensive response. 2. It has more to do with the past. There are a lot of wounds that have never been healed, therefore the person becomes very fragile when confronting. By fragile I mean, they have little to no tolerance to disappoint someone. Disappointing and / or hurting someone is too big of an emotional thing to carry, so they defend instead, as a survival technique. This is not a conscious choice…it’s coming from a subconscious place. Actually a 3rd possibility I just thought of as well: He could be very strongly narcissistic. I don’t have enough information to make that determination. My guess is, from what you shared, it most likely is #2, but maybe a mix of #1 in there as well.

Let’s start with HOW you are confronting him. So with this last thing you confronted him about, how did you bring it up? I also am wondering if he may be feeling like he “could never make you happy.” A guy who is fragile, combined with a girlfriend who confronts a lot, creates a HUGE low self esteem problem over the years. Has he ever said something like that to you? That no matter what he does, he can’t make you happy…

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tamika,

I’m glad you are willing to start to take care of some of your own personal challenges. I think the most important skill you can learn is how to manage your emotional reactions. You will still have strong emotional reactions to certain things in life, but learning to control them by stepping back and taking care of yourself and the triggers is much better approach compared to emotionally vomiting on the person who is your target. Burying emotions leads to so many problems. You just haven’t learned a healthy way to honor those deep feelings, how to work with them and actually process them out of your heart and body…you just know how to bury them…which is what most people do. There are many consequences to that path, even things as extreme as diseases like cancer will show up because there are so many toxic emotions being carried around in the body.

You both have a lot of things to work out. It sounds like you guys are not on the same page and there are a lot of communication gaps that are happening. Even though he said he would want to keep the baby if you got pregnant again, I would HIGHLY SUGGEST you get on birth control until your relationship is stable. A person’s word is only as good as that moment. Your relationship is so unstable right now and could head in either direction of success or a break up. Bringing a child into this world with an very unstable relationship will only cause an incredible amount of strain and challenge.

I would suggest looking for a therapist with EMDR training or brain spotting techniques. Talk therapy will only get you so far with healing. It can be good for bringing awareness to a situation and teaching you skills, but as far as deep healing for things like abortions, your parent’s divorce etc., that’s where talk therapy is very limited. You can go to http://www.emdr.com or http://www.brainspotting.com to find a therapist. Those techniques are definitely designed for healing. A therapist with those skills will be able to offer you a more full experience. If he is willing to go to therapy with you, then you want to find a specialist in couples therapy.

I have no doubt he has a million wonderful qualities. The thing is, it doesn’t really matter how good of a person you are or he is. What matters here is how you both treat each other, especially under stress. You both have some personal things to work through as well as things in the relationship. If he is willing to take that path with you, that is so wonderful!!! If not, you can at least begin working on yourself. Sometimes, it takes the woman leading the way and the guy will get on board a bit later. Either way, you can start the process of healing your relationship, by starting to heal yourself.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Angie,

I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. I know how shocking it must be for you to find out he was not who you thought he was and then he lied about it and has denied everything and then he still continues this behavior.

If he does have a real sex addiction, which it sounds likely, until he sees it as a problem, he will not change. Sex addiction is extra tough, because it’s not like they can live without sex, like you can alcohol or drugs. With substance abuse, they may get cravings, but a person can design a life where they don’t have to interact with it. Sex is not something they can avoid. Sex is part of a relationship, so healing a sex addiction is INCREDIBLY complicated.

I’m not sure what you want me to say here, because it sounds like you have a clear picture of who he is and it’s not okay for you. He does want his cake and eat it too….who wouldn’t? Can you blame him for wanting to stay connected to you??? He is going to do what he can to still stay connected and you are responding.

So this really comes down to you honoring your needs and wants and standards. You cannot stay talking to him and connecting with him if you want to move on with your life. He is who he is and he is not willing to change. So you either stay in the relationship and accept how he wants to live his life, or you leave. The hard part is, it hurts either way. If you stay, you are with a man who has a sex addiction and is constantly betraying your need for monogamy. If you leave, you have to deal with the loss of your dreams you created around a life with him in it.

So this is not about him….this is about you making a decision. You have all the information you need to make that decision.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

There is no better way to say it….it does BLOW! It is soooo so difficult going from having a huge rock and support for you life to now just having yourself. It’s painful and hard…especially when it’s happening during a lot of challenges. I have had to go through the same exact thing many times in my life and there will be many moments in the future as well. Each time though, it forces you to dig deep and figure life out. It forces you to connect to yourself deeper, only to discover your own strength and ability to be resilient. These are crucial life skills. You need to know AND he needs to know that you are okay without him. When and if you guys come back together, your relationship will be much stronger for it. The more solid you are on the inside, the healthier relationship you will have with anyone. So maybe look at this at not just a time of “loss” but a season of strengthening your self love, your ability to be resilient, your ability to re-design your life in the face of a lot of loss. It’s like going through emotional boot camp. It’s a terribly difficult and challenging time where you are pushed to your limits, but when you get to the other side, you have a new strength, you have more trust in yourself and you will have new pieces of yourself that only this amount of loss could have forced you to find.

So work with the mindset of going WITH the pain vs. resisting the pain of all the loss. It doesn’t change the hurt, but there will be kindness around the hurt vs. a resistance and just wanting it to go away. Once I learned to do this, I became much more comfortable in all of the pain. Just a though….

In regards to your gift, maybe give him the dog harness, but not the pictures? You can just send it in the mail and leave a note for him saying that you had ordered this a few months back as a surprise and you still wanted him to have it. You can also say in the note about the information with the chipping for his dog. Keep it light, simple and kind. Hold onto the pictures for awhile. That wouldn’t quite be appropriate at this time. You can also hold onto the harness for a little while longer if that feels better for you.

You can send a text saying, “hey, I figured you might want to know about this….(then send him the link to the chipping info). Sending you good vibes…always :)”

Good job with going to the gym and organizing your house!! stuff like this helps sooooo much more than a lot of people realize. Keep yourself moving, keep crying, keep getting up and moving and living your life…then you will cry again. It’s just a season, so let it all out, let it be whatever it is and trust that you are just processing and feeling some very normal things and know that at some point, you will start to feel better and will feel like your feet are on the ground again.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tamika,

Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. You both have been through A LOT!!!

There definitely are some inherent challenges in the relationship. Let me list them for you in so you can just see everything you are telling me:

1. 3 abortions
2. He doesn’t commit to you
3. Has cheated a few times and probably always will
4. You guys aren’t really growing together. You have been together 8 years and are still in the pattern of only seeing each other a few days a week.
5. He has a lot of excuses as to why he can’t see you (my guess is, because he’s with another woman sometimes)
6. When your feelings are hurt, you become mean and say abusive things to him.

These are the basics. You say you love and trust him, but you really don’t. You have a lot of insecurities about this relationship and rightly so. It sounds like you both are on different pages. You want more and he doesn’t. You wanted a baby with him and he didn’t (that would mean he would have to commit to you on some level). You want to spend more time with him and he doesn’t. After 8 years, if this is how it is turning out, you have 2 choices. It’s obvious you are not happy with how your relationship is. You can either really work on the relationship TOGETHER or you leave. Working on the relationship means that you BOTH get very honest with each other and first and foremost talk about what you want in this relationship. It sounds like this guy may never want to get married. Have you ever asked him about this? He has cheated 2x so far, that you know of. He obviously is handling his unhappiness by breaking his integrity. Unless he learns and desires to handle it in a different way, he will not change. Have you had any recent conversations about moving in together? What’s stopping that from happening?

With the way he is behaving, I would have guessed you guys were just dating. He is not behaving as if he were madly in love with you, but more that he loves you and likes to have you in his life, but he also likes to have others in his life too and he just isn’t that serious.

Have you talked about how you really feel? What you want? Would you guys be interested in working with a 3rd person to help resolve some of these challenges?

You could go to therapy on your own. You have a lot to process about having 3 abortions, having been cheated on, being in relationship with a guy who is very limited and doesn’t commit. You don’t have anyone you are really talking to about the truth of all your feelings….it helps immensely to have a coach guide you through some very tough waters. Is that something you are willing to do?

I would also suggest reading the “Relationship Re-write Method” in your library. There are a lot of techniques in there that could give you some ideas of what you can do to be a better partner for him.

Thoughts?

heidi

[Heidi G]

We are here for you as support, so feel free to come here anytime that you feel like you might be slipping or need a different perspective. we all battle our instincts and emotions and feelings and that’s why the number 1 thing I always recommend to people, when deciding whether or not to let someone in, is to have a support system. There is no way a perso is able to have full objectivity, so having accountability and differing viewpoints, will always be helpful for you. We would love to be a part of your network of support anytime you need!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

First of all, there is nothing “stupid” about your decisions. Us ladies do things like this ALL the time because we are just inherently built for connection….it’s our instinct and it’s natural. It takes someone more evolved and aware to not allow their instincts to pull them into situations that are not healthy.

It sounds like you have a new level of awareness for this year! You are waking up to a pattern that doesn’t serve you and you are waking up to protecting yourself better. You are already making some brand new choices that are more caring for yourself than you have done in the past. WELL DONE!!! You sound very clear and strong and centered in yourself. You sound like a woman who values herself, who knows what she wants and she is not going to be treated any less than that! You have standards that you are willing to fight for.

Now that you are shifting and making better choices for yourself, you will attract a man who matches you in that space. It may take a few lame guys to get to the better guys, as that is typically how it works…but you are well on your way to finding exactly what you want….by saying no to the ones who don’t deserve you.

Wooohooo!

heidi

[Heidi G]

You are quite wise! I understand the celibacy thing. I have been through a few of those phases and let me tell ya….there is a lot that comes forward. I remember about 10 years ago, the city I was living in and the people there were very different than me. I was single and interested in dating and for the first time in my life, I was not receiving an ounce of attention. Not a single guy was looking at me, flirting with me, wanting to find out who the new girl was. I literally was getting zero attention. It went on long enough that I realized some of the thoughts I was having about myself needed some attention. It was the first time in my life where I questioned “How do I know I am a female unless I have men, or a man, letting me know that I am a female?” Man….that question took me down the rabbit hole in a very uncomfortable way. I realized how much of my self worth was determined by how much attention I was getting. It worked forever because I always got a lot of attention….until I didn’t. I got exactly what I asked for though. I always wanted to improve my self esteem and I was going about it in a lot of good ways, but in the romance department…it was a different animal. By that time, I had been single many times in my life, but I still would get attention, I would still go on dates here and there, so I thought I was comfortable not being to anyone….but the universe took me sooooo much deeper and showed me a completely new level of re-defining self love. lol.

So I get it….I understand your choice and I love that you are honoring and recognizing that you are just not available right now and that’s okay! Trusting yourself is the best thing you could ever do. I have no doubt he still has feelings for you, but it’s all buried behind all that gunk….and you understand that! So to me, it sounds like the PERFECT time for you to do some self love work while he is also doing the same. It’s like you both are going into your cocoons to allow for some transformation work to be done and then when you each are strong enough, you will create a new form. He has his path and you have yours, but you are at least doing it at the same time, right? That can be a really good thing!

When you ask how to stay connected to him, my best advice is to care for yourself so you can be better for him. His rejection of you is really a rejection of himself. Your strength to continue seeing the truth behind the veil, is what will allow you to see him for who he really is and what is really happening….and your self love is crucial at the moment, as he is not able to offer that to you at the moment. I think staying away from dating and just caring for yourself, having some fun in your life, still being a good friend and connected with him (but not needing anything from him) is where you are going to find your happy place….but from everything you have said so far, it sounds like you know this already….

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ana,

I just want to reflect certain things back to you before heading into what to do next about your situation.

First, older generations were actually NOT happier. Many people married for money and security and procreation. Yes, they had less options, therefore divorce was not as much of an option as it is today. Religion had quite the hold on older generations….so actually, it was found that although there was much less divorce, it did not correlate with how happy people were. Today the divorce rate being over 50% is in large part due to people picking a partner that does not have sustainability. Their original choice is with someone who cannot go the distance. People are getting married much too quickly. People are getting married and making partner choices because of how they FEEL with that person and choosing to ignore all the red flags that were there right from the beginning. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have talked with people over the years, who were divorced and when I asked if they saw it coming before they got married and 99% of the people did. They knew the red flags before they got married, but because there was such a strong connection and history, they ignored the warning signs and hoped for the best.

I understand the connection you feel with him. I understand you believe you are good together. You can absolutely choose not to give up and keep fighting for him, but would you also be willing to recognize the huge red flags exist here? With everything we keep telling you and showing you about the dysfunction that is happening here, it seems you keep ignoring it and wanting to just keep your eyes focused on how good you are together and ignore the areas where you are not good together. Those areas deserve just as much attention, if not more than anything else. I said this before….the success of a relationship has EVERYTHING to do with how well you treat each other in the most challenging and stressful situations. Is there respect, is there kindness, is there connection, is there a commitment to work through things? Anything less than this, the relationship will eventually fall apart….it doesn’t matter how good you are together when things are good. It matters more how good you are together when things are really tough.

From what you have explained, he blames you, doesn’t take responsibility for how things are unfolding, he doesn’t listen very well and he sends a lot of mixed messages. So understand that his being this way has nothing to do with YOUR insecurities or inexperience. This is what he is bringing to the table. You bring other things to the table and you guys together are a hot mess when things get rough. It will continue to be like this. You will continue to go round and round through this same exact pattern no matter what you do…because he is who he is. There is a rollercoaster ride, no doubt. He is quite manipulative and you are trying to master the situation with someone who is not willing to own up to the games he is playing. You are right that all of your problems and his problems won….and you know what??? It’s supposed to be like that! We all come to the table with crap that we are carrying from our past. The relationships that work are the ones where BOTH people acknowledge it, talk about it, work with it TOGETHER. Your challenge here is, he is not willing to admit to the crap he is bringing to the table IN THE MOMENT. Anytime there is confusion or challenge with you….he is immediately blaming you for what is happening. If he were willing to listen to you, your feelings, your experience and allow your voice to matter, then you would have something to work with here.

With all of that being said, you still get to hop on that rollercoaster and keep playing the game.

With what you are saying to him, it is confusing. You say you are taking time to heal and he doesn’t even understand what that means. If you want him back, I would say your best bet is to just let it all go. Let go of all the hurt, let go of all the confusion and just keep your eyes focused on being good together. He is unclear about how you feel, so I am wondering if you just told him something like this…”Listen. I know we are good together. I feel a strong connection to you and I want to keep feeling that. I want to keep getting to know you. You are worth it to me. You make me laugh, you make me feel alive in a way I haven’t felt with anyone else and I think those things matter. So I just want to forget about the past and keep getting to know you. I realized I was being silly and I have a lot to learn. I hope you can have patience with me as this is all new for me. Can we just keep moving forward and have some fun together?”

How does saying something like that feel for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I totally get it. I can’t tell you how many times I have had to face the choice of someone to disconnect and I have NO CLUE why! I just had to deal with that actually, about a month ago. My website designer / person just all of a sudden stopped working for me. No clue why and she wasn’t willing to say anything about it. All I could do was accept it and move on. I was able to do that much easier because I have had the practice to develop the skill of learning how to get comfortable in the “unknown.” What it really comes down to is this…maybe you did do something to trigger this…but that fact that it’s a trigger in the first place means it ON HIM and not you. Bottom line is this…us humans are messy and imperfect and wonderful and amazing, all at the same time. It’s about finding someone who has the strength to know that and handle it all with respect, grace and kindness. No matter what you did or said or who you were….you were just being you and he obviously doesn’t have what it takes to embrace that fully and completely. That’s the answer Dawn. The details as to why he doesn’t have that ability don’t even matter right? It just matters that you now have information about him that tells you he is not a good match for you. You don’t want a guy who disappears, right? You want a guy who has the strength to be honest and authentic, even if it’s difficult and could hurt your feelings. He is not that guy. So it doesn’t even matter what his choice is anymore…would he be your choice, considering what you know about him now?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

I understand your confusion, because it is a confusing situation. The best way to find peace inside of yourself, is to find your peace inside your heart in accepting what the situation is RIGHT NOW. All we have is the present moment right? Who knows what will happen, even tomorrow.

Here is something I noticed from your last post….you might have a pattern of putting your power into the guy’s hands. You are confused about B because you don’t know what HE wants. Your ex has come back into the picture and you know that if he chases you enough, you will give in….which again, it is going back to what HE wants. Do you have a patter of letting the guy influence your choices….where you give the guy your power and go along with whatever he wants vs. what you want? Just curious…

The way to find peace within this situation is to decide what YOU want. So here is a homework assignment for you….

I call it the non-negotiable list. I’m usually not a fan of “lists” but this one…I’m sold on. I’ve used it for a good 20 years now. Make a list of all the qualities you HAVE to have in a relationship in order for it work FOR YOU! It’s a work in progress of course, because as you change, the list changes. But understand, that whatever goes on that list, ITS NON NEGOTIABLE. You CANNOT LIVE in a relationship and be happy without these qualities.

For example….here are a few things on my list, in no specific order as they are all equally non-negotiable.
1. Romantic
2. Active
3. High emotional intelligence
4. Has a spiritual practice / belief that is similar enough to mine that they don’t have conflict
5. Treats me, others and himself with respect, even in his worst, most stressful moments

Now….I originally had athlete where active was, because I am an athlete as well…but then I dated a guy for awhile who just active…he went hiking, he worked out, he road his bike places…and I discovered that was totally okay for me! Would I prefer and athlete? Absolutely, but bottom line is, as long as he is active…we are good to go! SO that’s how your list will evolve and change over time. Everything on that list should be tested and really questioned by you, so you get to know what your bottom line is. If you come across a guy who has 9 out of 10 things on your non-negotiable list, then it’s a NO GO! Even missing 1 quality on that list, means the relationship WILL NOT work. That’s why it’s important to test out everything on your list to make sure it’s solid. Those 5 qualities on my list above have been tested and tested and tested and still are holding on strong…for years now. So they are pretty solid. I know that without these qualities in a relationship….I won’t last.

My point in this, is to help you get to know what you REALLY want…I don’t care how hard a guy chases you….he should not EVER get to be in that VERY SACRED space of your heart, unless he has earned the right to be there!

The non negotiable list is your guide. When you are dating, you use your list to test out different qualities and just have some fun and try out different things. The list is not a crucial thing to pay attention to. When you are looking to get serious, fall in love, get married, that’s when the list needs to be at the forefront.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tarsha!

Welcome!! We would love to help! Would you be willing to offer more information. We can offer more specific guidance when we understand the situation more.

Why did you break up? How long have you been together? Why do you want him back? Do you know why he pulled away? Are you guys still communicating at all?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

I first want to clear up that in my post, I was NOT saying to break up and walk away. My apologies that you saw it that way! My intent was to help you clearly understand what you are walking into first and foremost. You, of course, still get to fight for you guy, but with the FULL awareness that you are choosing a guy who isn’t good at communicating and when the stress reaches a certain level, the odds on him disconnecting and going into his cave are really high. I’m emphasizing this because when picking a person you want to be deeply involved in your life, whether a romantic interest or friend, one of the most important factors to the success of that relationship, is how you treat each other during the worst moments, the most stressful moments and the most hurtful moments. Yes, December was extremely difficult. I don’t know anyone who is good with death. You lost your dog and I am so, so sorry. Losing one of your animal family members breaks the heart in a very unique and extremely painful way. Combine that with all the other things you mentioned and you have a perfect storm of stress that was enough for him to choose to disconnect. This is what I am saying is important for you to know about him. When the stress if enough or even just the right kind of stress, you see how a person responds….and that will make or break a relationship. It doesn’t matter what his past patterns were…you are learning something new about him now. It’s great that he was willing to work on his communication, but now he is not. Whatever has happened is SO BIG that he is not willing to work on communication anymore.

Does this mean you need to give up on him? Absolutely not. What is important is that you see and choose him, FOR ALL THAT HE IS, even with his choice to disconnect…which if the stress is high enough, will be his choice again in the future. You absolutely get to choose him Dana and you should! That is what you are determined to do and to exhaust every possibility there is…and that is so important! He is very lucky to have a lady like you by his side, even though he is not appreciating that in the moment. From what it sounds like, he had a MOUNTAIN full of stress and he needed to unload something so he wouldn’t break. My guess is, you were the only thing he had control over. He couldn’t change work or that fact that he is feeling bad about himself, but he could change the fact of not dealing with any emotional upset from you. I imagine that if you had this fight at another time, when the month was not so challenging, it would have been a different result.

Of course you are crying every single day. You just lost your dog and now you lost your best friend. Who wouldn’t be balling their eyes out all the time? When I lost my first dog (2 years ago), I cried several times a day for weeks! Just that alone is beyond challenging and now you don’t have your guy to lean on for comfort. I understand your need to fix this as soon as possible. It’s so much loss, you of course want reconciliation so you don’t have to the feel the loss of him anymore. Your heart is broken.

The thing about our programs is that it’s a good starting place. Because everybody’s situation is so different, it’s important for you to take the information and apply what works, experiment with different techniques and try to just get the ball rolling. To try to figure out the EXACT date you should contact him again…well that’s really up to you. We can recommend, but ultimately, it’s about you staying connected to your intuition and deciding for yourself. Typically though, it’s recommended in the material, to wait about 3 weeks before contacting him. So if you want to use that suggestion, I think you may have a little less than 2 weeks to go.

A good ice breaker text can be something to the effect of, “I admit it…I miss you like crazy. I think the thing I miss the most is your hugs. I always felt safe in your arms, no matter what was going on for me. I hope you are doing okay. I know December was a really difficult month, especially for me. Hopefully January is better to you.”

You can say something simple, short and offer a compliment and make it statement. Start with something like that and see if he ends up responding. Then you can try to activate his hero instinct after that. It doesn’t have to be about something for him to fix or anything…it can also be advice of some sort….maybe asking advice about a restaurant, or something about his culture, or something he has more and expert opinion on…he is in Real Estate, so maybe you have a “friend” who is looking to buy a house….does he have a good real estate agent that he would recommend? Does this give you some ideas?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Renee!

Yes, it makes total sense. I figured you would answer in this particular way. It all makes perfect sense to me and even if it didn’t make sense to anyone, it doesn’t matter. For someone like you, who has quite an incredible amount of accountability, has done a TON of healing in her own life and will forever be on that path in some sort of fashion….I fully and completely believe that you know best in this situation. Many people are not connected to the deeper truths behind their decisions they make in their romantic life and it usually is quite the process to guide them there, even if they are willing.

For you, you have an understanding of all the dynamics available to you at this present moment….and with how you feel and what you know about all of those dynamics, you KNOW you want to stay, even if it means putting your romantic life on hold, just for now. You are the only one who will know when you are done. That moment may never happen….it is very possible you can create what it is that you want! I trust your process!

I never once have told people this on this forum, but for some reason, I feel like you might enjoy a session with me. I am a certified Akashi Records Consultant. If you go to my website http://www.heidigoodrich.com I explain what that is. I feel like doing a session with you, might bring more peace into your life about this situation and even help you understand more of the deeper and more unseen dynamics happening. You can contact me through my website if it interests you.

I have to run at the moment and have more to say, so I’ll be back!

Heidi

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