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Hi Marieta,
What if you created a different way to celebrate other than going out? Yes….I think it would be a difficult thing for him, at the moment, for you to buy dinner for your own celebration. BUT….what if you said to him, “Hey….next week is a work anniversary and I feel like I want to celebrate that moment…and I can’t think of anyone else I would want to celebrate with, than you. So, I have a plan. Would you be willing to just go with the flow and join me?” And you can even make it a fun surprise for him. What if you packed a picnic. You can just make some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, bring a bottle of sparkling cider, have some music (maybe you guys can dance), bring a candle to honor your celebration and maybe even go for a long walk together. You can also just do a little ceremony for your celebration. You can maybe write a list of all the things you are grateful for that your job has provided for you. You can also write down how you want to be better at your job and ways you are going to do that and maybe even talk about your dreams about where you are going with your career. You can really create a wonderful time together and it won’t make him feel bad about not having money. He will just have some fun with you and good conversation. Moments like those are worth so much more than going out to dinner somewhere.
Is this something you feel you can create somehow with him?
Heidi
hahaha! You crack me up! What a delightful spirit you have!
First of all, well done for going to the gym when you didn’t want to. I also am a personal trainer, so I get it!!! Those are some of the hardest moments, but you did it!! And look at the BIG reward you got from it! You are doing such a great job Dana and keeping yourself moving, even though you don’t want to. You are building your character, you are building your resiliency, you are building your internal strength.
All he was doing was missing you. My guess is, he was connecting with those pictures of you and smiling and laughing and remembering. Obviously he was having good thoughts, or he would not have texted you. So….THIS IS A GOOD SIGN!!!! Your responses were so wonderful too! You were light, funny and connective and still gave him some space. You didn’t respond right away which was brilliant. Making him wait a bit a good thing for him to feel from you.
Now what? You still do nothing. He needs to be the one to reach out again. You can, of course, send him the link to the chipping thing…that’s okay to do. Again, you can say something like, “I thought of you when I came across this link and thought you might be interested….hope this helps :)”
Little pieces of contact like that, that have purpose is okay every once in awhile, but no texting him the way he texted you. Leave that up to him for right now. He needs to be the one reaching out “just because.” Just for now.
How does this approach make you feel?
heidi
Hi Tamika,
I would also suggest to look at John Gottman’s material. He is one of my very favorite people when it comes to couples counseling, guidance and programs. He has some of the most expansive and thorough research about love and marriages and couples and children / family dynamics. His stuff is soooooo wonderful and spot on!
Here is 1 piece of advice he gives couples: Small things often. Meaning, do small things often to let your partner know you are thinking about them, love them, care about them, helping them….leave a note in his wallet, make his lunch, offer a foot rub, get his car cleaned…..there are a gazillion things you can do to start putting some “money” in that relationship bank. When things get difficult, you will have a big “savings” as a foundation. Make sense?
So what kinds of small things can you start doing for him?
Heidi
Hi Gwen,
Thanks for being here and sharing your story! I understand your confusion and how hard that is. You have an extremely complicated situation.
First, you both are starting a relationship based on lies and breaking integrity. It’s not the best way to start anything. Cheating and then continuing to lie about it, eats away at the soul very slowly. The guilt, the embarrassment, harboring a secret every single day…is A LOT to carry around.
Second, I would stay away from him simply for the fact that you are a rebound and he is for you as well. Neither of you have had any time alone to process the loss of your current relationships. It doesn’t matter that there are problems on both ends….there is healing that needs to happen while alone that is so important. It allows a person to clear all the gunk that came with the relationship, re-design their life as it’s a BIG change and figure out who the heck they are as s single person again. To jump from one relationship to the next is not a healthy thing to do. All he knows about himself is with another woman. And you want to be next in line?
I understand that you have and feel a strong connection with him and it feels sooooo wonderful. I get that on so many levels. The thing is, it is REALLY bad timing and you are picking a guy who is not emotionally available for you. You are not available for him either. You haven’t even broken up with your boyfriend yet. So regardless of how you feel about him and how good you guys are together, loose ends need to be tied off first. If you keep pursuing him, you are asking for a serious rollercoaster ride. If that’s what you want in your life, then you get to choose that of course. I’ve knowingly chosen things like that before and I sure paid the price for it as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I’m wondering if he just got scared and it’s his way of trying to “slow down” the process of connection by just ignoring, instead of just being honest.
You can always say something like, “I don’t know what happened that has caused you to start ignoring me. I know I was being flirty with you and maybe that made you put the breaks on and your ignoring me is your way of telling me to not contact you anymore…I don’t know. Regardless, it’s not something I will participate in. I do like to be honest and create closure, so I’m letting you know I will no longer be contacting you. I’m sad to let our fun friendship go, but no hard feelings. I wish you all the best with your next surgery and your recovery! I’ll probably see you around sometimes :)”
Maybe send something to that effect in a week or so. I always like to create closure by just letting them know I am closing the door energetically. It makes a huge difference, especially for you. It allows you to move on much easier. His lack of response just tells you that he is someone who would rather ghost and ignore than to be honest about whatever it is that he is feeling. It’s not respectful nor honoring of the friendship you did have and you don’t deserve to be treated that way. This is good information you need to know about him. If he does it with something this small, then I can’t even imagine what he would be like when dealing with something much more serious.
Make sense? Do you agree?
heidi
Hi Nicole,
Wow…this is a pretty difficult situation. I am so sorry you are having to go through this!
I’m happy to hear you are at least doing couples counseling. Are you seeing a therapist on your own even while he is away at work? Do you feel couples therapy is working for you guys? Are you seeing some small changes? Do you feel he is working on whatever it is that you agree to during your sessions with the therapist?
When he is texting you being an asshole while he is away, how do you respond, other than continuing to contact him more? Is he still watching porn? Do you know if it’s ever gone further than that? How long is he usually home for before he returns overseas?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
It sounds like the both of you are very like-minded in how you live your lives. It makes the flow of relationship soooo much easier right??? How did you meet this guy btw?
Heidi
Hi Kristen,
Thank you for sharing your challenges and being here. I know how frustrating it is to be with someone who is so fragile when confronting him about your feelings.
First, it’s hard to say “why” he has this kind of response. There are 2 main things that affect how someone responds to a situation where they are being confronted. 1: it’s how the other person is confronting them. If the other person is confronting in a way that makes them feel attacked and need to defend, that could explain the defensive response. 2. It has more to do with the past. There are a lot of wounds that have never been healed, therefore the person becomes very fragile when confronting. By fragile I mean, they have little to no tolerance to disappoint someone. Disappointing and / or hurting someone is too big of an emotional thing to carry, so they defend instead, as a survival technique. This is not a conscious choice…it’s coming from a subconscious place. Actually a 3rd possibility I just thought of as well: He could be very strongly narcissistic. I don’t have enough information to make that determination. My guess is, from what you shared, it most likely is #2, but maybe a mix of #1 in there as well.
Let’s start with HOW you are confronting him. So with this last thing you confronted him about, how did you bring it up? I also am wondering if he may be feeling like he “could never make you happy.” A guy who is fragile, combined with a girlfriend who confronts a lot, creates a HUGE low self esteem problem over the years. Has he ever said something like that to you? That no matter what he does, he can’t make you happy…
Heidi
Hi Tamika,
I’m glad you are willing to start to take care of some of your own personal challenges. I think the most important skill you can learn is how to manage your emotional reactions. You will still have strong emotional reactions to certain things in life, but learning to control them by stepping back and taking care of yourself and the triggers is much better approach compared to emotionally vomiting on the person who is your target. Burying emotions leads to so many problems. You just haven’t learned a healthy way to honor those deep feelings, how to work with them and actually process them out of your heart and body…you just know how to bury them…which is what most people do. There are many consequences to that path, even things as extreme as diseases like cancer will show up because there are so many toxic emotions being carried around in the body.
You both have a lot of things to work out. It sounds like you guys are not on the same page and there are a lot of communication gaps that are happening. Even though he said he would want to keep the baby if you got pregnant again, I would HIGHLY SUGGEST you get on birth control until your relationship is stable. A person’s word is only as good as that moment. Your relationship is so unstable right now and could head in either direction of success or a break up. Bringing a child into this world with an very unstable relationship will only cause an incredible amount of strain and challenge.
I would suggest looking for a therapist with EMDR training or brain spotting techniques. Talk therapy will only get you so far with healing. It can be good for bringing awareness to a situation and teaching you skills, but as far as deep healing for things like abortions, your parent’s divorce etc., that’s where talk therapy is very limited. You can go to http://www.emdr.com or http://www.brainspotting.com to find a therapist. Those techniques are definitely designed for healing. A therapist with those skills will be able to offer you a more full experience. If he is willing to go to therapy with you, then you want to find a specialist in couples therapy.
I have no doubt he has a million wonderful qualities. The thing is, it doesn’t really matter how good of a person you are or he is. What matters here is how you both treat each other, especially under stress. You both have some personal things to work through as well as things in the relationship. If he is willing to take that path with you, that is so wonderful!!! If not, you can at least begin working on yourself. Sometimes, it takes the woman leading the way and the guy will get on board a bit later. Either way, you can start the process of healing your relationship, by starting to heal yourself.
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through. I know how shocking it must be for you to find out he was not who you thought he was and then he lied about it and has denied everything and then he still continues this behavior.
If he does have a real sex addiction, which it sounds likely, until he sees it as a problem, he will not change. Sex addiction is extra tough, because it’s not like they can live without sex, like you can alcohol or drugs. With substance abuse, they may get cravings, but a person can design a life where they don’t have to interact with it. Sex is not something they can avoid. Sex is part of a relationship, so healing a sex addiction is INCREDIBLY complicated.
I’m not sure what you want me to say here, because it sounds like you have a clear picture of who he is and it’s not okay for you. He does want his cake and eat it too….who wouldn’t? Can you blame him for wanting to stay connected to you??? He is going to do what he can to still stay connected and you are responding.
So this really comes down to you honoring your needs and wants and standards. You cannot stay talking to him and connecting with him if you want to move on with your life. He is who he is and he is not willing to change. So you either stay in the relationship and accept how he wants to live his life, or you leave. The hard part is, it hurts either way. If you stay, you are with a man who has a sex addiction and is constantly betraying your need for monogamy. If you leave, you have to deal with the loss of your dreams you created around a life with him in it.
So this is not about him….this is about you making a decision. You have all the information you need to make that decision.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
There is no better way to say it….it does BLOW! It is soooo so difficult going from having a huge rock and support for you life to now just having yourself. It’s painful and hard…especially when it’s happening during a lot of challenges. I have had to go through the same exact thing many times in my life and there will be many moments in the future as well. Each time though, it forces you to dig deep and figure life out. It forces you to connect to yourself deeper, only to discover your own strength and ability to be resilient. These are crucial life skills. You need to know AND he needs to know that you are okay without him. When and if you guys come back together, your relationship will be much stronger for it. The more solid you are on the inside, the healthier relationship you will have with anyone. So maybe look at this at not just a time of “loss” but a season of strengthening your self love, your ability to be resilient, your ability to re-design your life in the face of a lot of loss. It’s like going through emotional boot camp. It’s a terribly difficult and challenging time where you are pushed to your limits, but when you get to the other side, you have a new strength, you have more trust in yourself and you will have new pieces of yourself that only this amount of loss could have forced you to find.
So work with the mindset of going WITH the pain vs. resisting the pain of all the loss. It doesn’t change the hurt, but there will be kindness around the hurt vs. a resistance and just wanting it to go away. Once I learned to do this, I became much more comfortable in all of the pain. Just a though….
In regards to your gift, maybe give him the dog harness, but not the pictures? You can just send it in the mail and leave a note for him saying that you had ordered this a few months back as a surprise and you still wanted him to have it. You can also say in the note about the information with the chipping for his dog. Keep it light, simple and kind. Hold onto the pictures for awhile. That wouldn’t quite be appropriate at this time. You can also hold onto the harness for a little while longer if that feels better for you.
You can send a text saying, “hey, I figured you might want to know about this….(then send him the link to the chipping info). Sending you good vibes…always :)”
Good job with going to the gym and organizing your house!! stuff like this helps sooooo much more than a lot of people realize. Keep yourself moving, keep crying, keep getting up and moving and living your life…then you will cry again. It’s just a season, so let it all out, let it be whatever it is and trust that you are just processing and feeling some very normal things and know that at some point, you will start to feel better and will feel like your feet are on the ground again.
Heidi
Hi Tamika,
Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. You both have been through A LOT!!!
There definitely are some inherent challenges in the relationship. Let me list them for you in so you can just see everything you are telling me:
1. 3 abortions
2. He doesn’t commit to you
3. Has cheated a few times and probably always will
4. You guys aren’t really growing together. You have been together 8 years and are still in the pattern of only seeing each other a few days a week.
5. He has a lot of excuses as to why he can’t see you (my guess is, because he’s with another woman sometimes)
6. When your feelings are hurt, you become mean and say abusive things to him.These are the basics. You say you love and trust him, but you really don’t. You have a lot of insecurities about this relationship and rightly so. It sounds like you both are on different pages. You want more and he doesn’t. You wanted a baby with him and he didn’t (that would mean he would have to commit to you on some level). You want to spend more time with him and he doesn’t. After 8 years, if this is how it is turning out, you have 2 choices. It’s obvious you are not happy with how your relationship is. You can either really work on the relationship TOGETHER or you leave. Working on the relationship means that you BOTH get very honest with each other and first and foremost talk about what you want in this relationship. It sounds like this guy may never want to get married. Have you ever asked him about this? He has cheated 2x so far, that you know of. He obviously is handling his unhappiness by breaking his integrity. Unless he learns and desires to handle it in a different way, he will not change. Have you had any recent conversations about moving in together? What’s stopping that from happening?
With the way he is behaving, I would have guessed you guys were just dating. He is not behaving as if he were madly in love with you, but more that he loves you and likes to have you in his life, but he also likes to have others in his life too and he just isn’t that serious.
Have you talked about how you really feel? What you want? Would you guys be interested in working with a 3rd person to help resolve some of these challenges?
You could go to therapy on your own. You have a lot to process about having 3 abortions, having been cheated on, being in relationship with a guy who is very limited and doesn’t commit. You don’t have anyone you are really talking to about the truth of all your feelings….it helps immensely to have a coach guide you through some very tough waters. Is that something you are willing to do?
I would also suggest reading the “Relationship Re-write Method” in your library. There are a lot of techniques in there that could give you some ideas of what you can do to be a better partner for him.
Thoughts?
heidi
We are here for you as support, so feel free to come here anytime that you feel like you might be slipping or need a different perspective. we all battle our instincts and emotions and feelings and that’s why the number 1 thing I always recommend to people, when deciding whether or not to let someone in, is to have a support system. There is no way a perso is able to have full objectivity, so having accountability and differing viewpoints, will always be helpful for you. We would love to be a part of your network of support anytime you need!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
First of all, there is nothing “stupid” about your decisions. Us ladies do things like this ALL the time because we are just inherently built for connection….it’s our instinct and it’s natural. It takes someone more evolved and aware to not allow their instincts to pull them into situations that are not healthy.
It sounds like you have a new level of awareness for this year! You are waking up to a pattern that doesn’t serve you and you are waking up to protecting yourself better. You are already making some brand new choices that are more caring for yourself than you have done in the past. WELL DONE!!! You sound very clear and strong and centered in yourself. You sound like a woman who values herself, who knows what she wants and she is not going to be treated any less than that! You have standards that you are willing to fight for.
Now that you are shifting and making better choices for yourself, you will attract a man who matches you in that space. It may take a few lame guys to get to the better guys, as that is typically how it works…but you are well on your way to finding exactly what you want….by saying no to the ones who don’t deserve you.
Wooohooo!
heidi
You are quite wise! I understand the celibacy thing. I have been through a few of those phases and let me tell ya….there is a lot that comes forward. I remember about 10 years ago, the city I was living in and the people there were very different than me. I was single and interested in dating and for the first time in my life, I was not receiving an ounce of attention. Not a single guy was looking at me, flirting with me, wanting to find out who the new girl was. I literally was getting zero attention. It went on long enough that I realized some of the thoughts I was having about myself needed some attention. It was the first time in my life where I questioned “How do I know I am a female unless I have men, or a man, letting me know that I am a female?” Man….that question took me down the rabbit hole in a very uncomfortable way. I realized how much of my self worth was determined by how much attention I was getting. It worked forever because I always got a lot of attention….until I didn’t. I got exactly what I asked for though. I always wanted to improve my self esteem and I was going about it in a lot of good ways, but in the romance department…it was a different animal. By that time, I had been single many times in my life, but I still would get attention, I would still go on dates here and there, so I thought I was comfortable not being to anyone….but the universe took me sooooo much deeper and showed me a completely new level of re-defining self love. lol.
So I get it….I understand your choice and I love that you are honoring and recognizing that you are just not available right now and that’s okay! Trusting yourself is the best thing you could ever do. I have no doubt he still has feelings for you, but it’s all buried behind all that gunk….and you understand that! So to me, it sounds like the PERFECT time for you to do some self love work while he is also doing the same. It’s like you both are going into your cocoons to allow for some transformation work to be done and then when you each are strong enough, you will create a new form. He has his path and you have yours, but you are at least doing it at the same time, right? That can be a really good thing!
When you ask how to stay connected to him, my best advice is to care for yourself so you can be better for him. His rejection of you is really a rejection of himself. Your strength to continue seeing the truth behind the veil, is what will allow you to see him for who he really is and what is really happening….and your self love is crucial at the moment, as he is not able to offer that to you at the moment. I think staying away from dating and just caring for yourself, having some fun in your life, still being a good friend and connected with him (but not needing anything from him) is where you are going to find your happy place….but from everything you have said so far, it sounds like you know this already….
Heidi
