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Hi Renee,
I understand his perspective about you asking questions with a different energy behind them. It does sound like he is changing his perspective quite a bit as well. This reminds me of me actually. When I was in my 20’s, all the questions I asked came from a place of gathering information so I could control the situation….bottom line, it allowed me to be able to see to ALL the dynamics so I could split if need be or break up before they would. I was very good at it! lol….now…when I ask the same exact questions when getting to know a guy, it’s mostly because I am just curious. I have so much more trust in myself that I my need to control is waaaaay down and at a healthy level. So the energy behind my questions has changed. It sounds like it’s some of the same for you! That, in and of itself, is building trust between you two!
Blossoming is a good word! You both are on this path of growing so you are going to start to see each other differently. Your paths are definitely aligned with each so your growth is happening in the same direction vs. opposite directions. This is brilliant!!!
I’m not going to agree with his mother in her belief NOT to vent to a man unless it’s a problem he can solve. I think that is undermining the potential of what a man can do. It’s simple actually. You just need to help them a little bit. I have said things like, “I’m going to vent right now and that’s it. I don’t need you to fix this. If you could just help me by listening and then putting your arms around me and telling me it’s going to be okay….you will help me sooooo much!” In that statement, I told the guy HOW he can be my hero without problem solving. If you just take off the pressure of problem solving, I have found they just relax because they know they can meet my needs in a different way and that works brilliantly!!!! She just need a little guidance, that’s all.
Let’s talk about this paragraph for a bit:
“I also see that even though he’s responsive, I think I may overwhelm him a little here and there…I need to work on that. Also, I’m afraid sometimes I’m making myself too available. I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be taken for granted, or let him take for granted he can do this indefinitely. I’m okay with him needing time and space, but not to always break up to take it. I think once we’re a little more on the “together” side, this is something I’m going to bring up. Right now, all it would do is push him away, so the timing is definitely not right.”
I just want to point out your language:
1. “let him take me for granted”….this is victim mentality. Anytime you say “let….” it’s saying you are victim and you aren’t. No one can EVER take advantage of you without your choice in the matter, right? If you feel he is taking advantage of you, that’s on you to get your needs met, not to change him.
2. “I’m afraid sometimes of making myself too available.” Your fear about him and being taken for granted is more about you not feeling safe inside yourself and trusting your own decisions and actions. What is this about on a deeper level for you? Truth is, if you are aligned with yourself, this fear would not exist. If you 100% love who you are and how you treat him and the kind of person you are towards him, then the fear wouldn’t exist, right? Fears show up to let us know we are not aligned in truth.
I would invite you to consider NOT addressing this issue with him about breaking up when he needs space. Reality is, you can talk to him and he could agree not to break up and work through it instead, but those agreements are only as good as the moment it’s made. You don’t REALLY know what someone is going to do in the moment, so this particular issue is not about any “words” or agreement you both make….it’s more about the ACTION that will be taken, should you guys get to this point again. Regardless of any agreement you both make about the future, it’s still the future and unpredictable, so that is the aspect you need to with. There is uncertainty and there is the possibility that he will break up again when he needs space. No matter what is said in any conversation you have with him about that….that possibility is still going to be there.
Your fear is really about yourself, not him. Alleviate the fear yourself, instead of wanting him to do it for you. Here is a good statement to align yourself with: “I trust myself that no matter what happens in the future, no matter what decisions he makes, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am resourceful, I know how to love myself through any situation that shows up. I will be okay, no matter what happens.” So let me ask you this….if you were 100% aligned with this statement, would you still feel the need to have that conversation with him?
Heidi
Hi Celest!!
You are asking some great questions and I love that you care this much about some of the smallest details.
I’m wondering…have you checked the dating site where you guys met? Do you know if he is still online and has an active profile??
I’m not entirely convinced that his respiratory issues are the complete reason for his lack of response. It could be a convenient reason to keep someone at a distance. Or maybe not…I don’t know. What I do know, is that when a guy really likes a girl, she knows it. He will call, he will make time to see her, he will show interest and she will have no doubt that he likes her. He is not behaving this way. It sounds like he liked you in the beginning, but something has faded, for whatever reason. If a guy that I am dating, can go 2 weeks without talking to me or making time to see me, then I know he just isn’t into me to the extent that I deserve. I want a guy who NEEDS to connect with frequently because I add to his life and he wants to make me part of his day. Isn’t that how you want to feel???
I’m saying this because I am seeing you put quite a bit of effort and thought into a guy who doesn’t seem to be returning it, for whatever reason. Respiratory problems or not, you are the only reason this thing is still going. If you were to step away and do absolutely nothing, do you think this relationship would last?
One thing I always like to guide people towards, is to just be yourself. When you start asking questions like what should I say or do or should I ask this etc….it’s starting to head into dangerous territory of you being who you think you should be to keep his attention vs. you just being yourself and letting the chips fall where they may. If he can’t like you for who you are, then he is not a match for you, no matter how you feel about him. So if you want to ask about his health, then ask…because that is who you are! You care deeply and it’s important you show that to him. He may appreciate that part about you or he may reject it…either way, it’s good information you need to know about him right?
As far as your next conversation, I would ask for his advice, I would ask about his health and I would just have a regular conversation and then see what happens. I would want to see if he asks me out or asks questions about me. I would want to see if he makes any efforts and initiates a way to connect again. I would be looking for signs that he is interested in connecting with me, beyond just friendship. I would want to see if he actually engages in conversation or tries to get off the phone after helping me. It could be a good way to gather more info about what he is doing. Does this makes sense??
I know what I have said may feel abrasive on some level, considering how you feel about this guy. I am so sorry about that! I could totally be wrong as I am not in your situation. I’m just wanting you to consider that despite the connection you feel for him, there is something missing on his end, and it may not be respiratory issues…and maybe it is!! It’s important to find out before continuing to invest your heart, your energy, your dreams into this guy.
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Smart move putting your phone in the drawer!!! Yes…it’s normal for people, especially women, to be affected energetically during this particular time…don’t fret! It’s just emotion, right? so what that you got upset! So what that he gets under your skin! So what that he drives you crazy! Bottom line…it’s all just temporary and every single moment offers you a gift….that gift is the moment to love yourself in your messiness and craziness…the gift is being able to see where your fault lines are (the areas where you have cracks in your self esteem) the gift is developing your ability to be resilient, the gift is learning how to manage your emotions so you don’t do something harmful to anyone…..so whenever I have those crazy moments…I just allow it and let it all come out. I will give myself a time limit sometimes to where I will say….”Okay….you get to feel sorry for yourself and indulge in all the hurt and anger until the end of the day or for the next few hours, and then it’s time to put the big girl panties on and get to work on processing all of it.” So when I allow myself to feel all that…I sure let it rip…lol. And it’s so great! That, in and of itself, helps transform the energy. Sometimes I will put a song on that makes me feel more of whatever I am feeling. So if I am depressed, I put a sad song on and REALLY feel it…I will dance the depression too. The idea is not to stop it or make it go away or “shoulding” yourself…the idea is to join it and let it flow and take it’s course. It’s just what life is. You will have MANY moments like these for the rest of your life! How you handle this will determine how you handle the next time this happens. Also, be kind to yourself. Remember you are hurting right now, so going on social media is not the best idea. But then again…maybe going on social media is important for you…maybe you need to keep hurting and increasing the hurt so you finally let go and make a different decision. What do you think?
I forgot to respond about personal training. I do not do it online….I’ve thought about it many times, but decided against it due to how I work with my clients in the gym. However, if you have any questions, I can absolutely guide you to some high quality online sources. Just let me know!!!
Keep going to the gym!!!
Heidi
Hi Marieta,
Wonderful! I’m so glad that was your choice!
So how is everything going?? More details would be wonderful to hear!!
Renee! This is very exciting! Share with me the things that he noticed…I’m curious.
It sounds like you are staying very grounded and really making some deep connections to his pain and experiences in his life. I get your need to compare his life to your own. I have done that a lot as well and it’s just our wounded self wanting to make our pain matter, because it never did, right??? So when I find myself comparing, I immediately stop and recognize my wounded self, acknowledge her, love her and give her what is really wanting…which is attention and love.
I love that you are practicing being present, setting new boundaries and breaking things down only to rebuild. It’s the them right now isn’t it??? A lot of that going on for you! It’s a transformative year for you!!!
There will ALWAYS be a long road ahead. That doesn’t matter though, right?? You guys are figuring it out because you are paying attention to yourselves first and foremost and then learning how to rejoin with more authenticity. That is a forever practice isn’t it? So you don’t have a loooong road ahead…you just have a road that is infinite and right now, in this moment, you both are in a phase of breaking down what didn’t work and rebuilding with what does work. Then there will be some peace for awhile and then there will be another phase….and so on. You guys are doing so great!!! You especially are waking up to all kinds of new things for yourself. Bravo!!!!
Thank you for all the wonderful detail and continuing to share!
Oh! Have fun at the tarot class! It’s sooooo much fun to read cards! There are a gazillion decks out there and so many different ways and philosophies on how to read the cards….tarot is a GIANT world and offers endless entertainment and opportunities for growth and expansion. What are you wanting to do with it??
Heidi
Moments like these are very revealing Emilie! Sometimes I don’t know the growth I have accomplished until a situation shows up and I respond differently than I would have before. This is soooo good! Your response is the kind of response from someone who has some internal strength and connection to the truth about themselves. You kick ass!!!
Please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Alexa!
There definitely is a lot going on here, so let me address just a few things first.
1. For a guy to say “We’ll deal with it if you end up getting pregnant, to me is a HUGE red flag. He has no connection AT ALL to what it means for a women to go through pregnancy and the sacredness of bringing a child into this world. Pregnancy, in it’s highest form and vibration happens when 2 people are prepared to bring a life into this world. Preparation first and foremost means the couple is solid, in love and on the same page with each other first, the finances and a house and appropriate help are available. Having a child is sooooo stressful and challenging and wonderful at the same time. For a guy to just say what he did, tells me is not connected to what it means. Guys can say stuff like that much easier because it’s not their body. They also can just go off and leave the responsibility to the woman. Something is not okay here. I’m pointing this out because this is part of your skillset about who you choose to let in. You need to pay attention to those red flags and understand what they mean. You say you “do this in every relationship” but have you ever thought that the main issue is not what you are doing in the relationship, but more about the kind of guys you choose to let into your life? I could be the healthiest, most vibrant and strong lady, but picking a guy who is low functioning or lacks emotional intelligence etc….the relationship will go down the tubes.
You are who you are, until you learn and shift, but I’m wanting to take you back to the VERY BEGINNING that maybe just your choice of man in the first place is why this pattern keeps showing up in your life. Make sense??
So many people choose a mate by how they feel and do not pay much attention to all the red flags that are popping up along the way. Because that person feels so good and there is good chemistry and there is good sex and there is a deep comfort….all of those things end up causing someone to bypass the danger signs.
So let me just ask you this….as objectively as possible….if you were to look back at who he is, how he treats you, the things he has said, how he has behaved with other etc….are there any red flags you notice???
Lastly, I know you are scared to be rejected. Most people are….AND….it gives you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with yourself. So let’s work with this question a little bit….if he rejects you, what does this mean about you?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Wow! A lot has happened!
You know one of the most important things you pointed out, is doing something different. Instead of going into old patterns of trying to get him back, you are caring for yourself in a different way than before. That path will NEVER steer you wrong.
He sure has had a lot to go through and I understand so much more about the timing of all of what is happening. He is broken and losing his best friend and then having a divorced friend move in, he was surrounded by loss. I think this time apart is soooo good for both of you because you can just love each other from a distance while you sort out some internal stuff.
I understand your concern about the shutdown. So many people are upset and millions of lives are disrupted on so many levels. His therapist was SMART to not continue EMDR until he commits to a weekly basis. I’m happy to hear that his therapist is protecting him! I’m not going to tell you not to be concerned because it’s silly. I do want to remind you of the truth of who he is though. Whenever that fear of yours comes up, remind yourself that he is still here today, able to go have dinner and ice cream with your family and feel an incredibly amount of love with your granddaughter and laugh and smile….after all that he has been through. He has been in MUCH WORSE situations than being furloughed and he is okay! He is still fighting for his life and he has accountability and he has you and your family as well. Trust his process. He has been through much worse and made it to the other side and is recovering…there is no reason he won’t be able to handle this. Anytime I start to worry about someone, I also imagine GAINT angel wings being wrapped around them. They are in much better hands being held by divine than being held in my human hands that are full of worry….lol.
As far as your daughter, my heart breaks for her. I am really sorry for the rollercoaster ride you guys are on. I’m curious about the boundaries you set with her. How did she respond?? Would she be willing to get help? I know as a mother, your heart is breaking to watch her make this kind of decision for her life. You are dealing with so much Renee and yet you are still holding strong, staying focused, keeping connected to yourself and still caring for him and your daughter the best ways you know how. WOW!!!!
One day at a time. There is nothing for you to figure out with him. As long as you stay connected to the truth, stay connected to yourself and recognize when fear gets the best of you, whoever you show up as, in any given moment…is enough! It won’t be perfect, but it will be enough!!! The love you have for him is beautiful and powerful and can transform you. Just enjoy those feelings…you don’t have to “do” anything with them. You don’t have to worry about whether you are putting too much pressure on him or doing the “right” things. It’s all relative anyways, right? So maybe your practice isn’t about figuring out anything, but just being as present as possible (like the other night) and allowing for your heart to fill with love. That’s it! Nothing else to do except to feel!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I think your approach sounds like a good plan. He is sending so many mixed messages and he needs to be clear about what he wants with you. I imagine until all of his surgeries are complete, thinking about anyone but himself is just too much. So your plan to continue to live your life and then check in, in a few weeks, is great! I think that right now, the timing and circumstances are just all off, like when you guys first met. So honor that, give him space, connect when you feel like connecting and keep living your life and knowing your value and strengthening your standards.
Hi Lorie,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenge with us.
I’m just a little confused, so I have a few questions:
1. Are you guys still talking regularly? Who initiates contact?
2. Were you both living together in the trailer and then he moved out to his own space? And that trailer is on his mom’s property?? Am I understanding correctly?
3. Why does he feel you have anger issues? What are you doing that would cause him to think that about you?
4. If he is watching porn all day, every day, he most likely has some sort of sex addiction that was probably there way before you came along. Do you have any history on him about this? Or is the porn thing something new?
5. If you get him back, then what? Reality is, he will still be watching porn and you guys will still have all the same challenges. I imagine neither of you wants to get back together and just have all the same problems again. So what kinds of things can you do to work on being a better partner for him? Do you know what he really wants and needs from you, so you can work on those areas?Heidi
Hi Debbie,
The very first question I would like to ask, is do you think it would be okay for your father if you started to open the door to this man. It is his friend (I’m not sure of his age compared to your father) and something you would want to first consider, if you haven’t already.
Second, can you explain to me what it means for you to just have companionship? Tell me about what that kind of relationship would look like for you.
How old are you? Tell me why a serious relationship does not interest you.
Heidi
Hi Dana!
A date night tonight with yourself and a glass of wine sounds quite wonderful. You still just keep doing what you are doing. Keep responding and being funny, open and connective, but HE NEEDS TO ASK you….do not make it easy for him by letting him know you will be in the area. Remember, he needs to feel like he really wants to see you and you need to feel that from him as well….you both will know that when he finally asks to see you…and he will. Just give him a little more time. Things are improving so let them keep improving and keep allowing him to lead you. This is so important!!!
As far as what to say and when and how…that’s why I asked…lol. If you are not clear about what you need from him, then it’s like landing a giant airplane with runway lights. DISASTER!!!!
So getting clear this evening about what you need, want and the specifics of all of that is crucial. For example, you can’t just say….I want more affection. You need to clearly spell it out for the guy. I would like more affection and that means for me that you hold my hand in public or kiss me when I walk through the door or cuddle with me for 10 minutes before we get out of bed. Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Marguerite,
First, I want to validate it’s a GREAT decision to not involve his daughter in law. This is between you and him and the other women. You 3 are the only people that need to know and work with what is happening here. It absolutely could backfire if you bring someone else into the picture, so good choice!
Second, I am so glad you got out of that last marriage! Good for you, for fighting for yourself and fighting for something more in your life! It’s so scary, especially at your age, to end a long term relationship and start brand new. That takes a lot of courage!
Please know that it’s not that we don’t know or don’t want to share “techniques” with you to help you get him back. Most of the time, the initial discussion is about understanding ALL the dynamics that influence what has happened and guide people towards connecting to the truth about a situation. The truth about your situation is that you are in a lot of fear, your ex has chosen to stay with the other woman and he is also choosing not to talk to you. It also sounds like he has a pattern of going through a lot of women. You are correct in that it’s not his children’s business, as he gets to live his life any way that he wants to. You were smart to stay away from that dynamic….however, it would also be a smart thing to know that pattern exists for him. If he does date a lot, he may not want something serious, he may not have that capability, he may not even have the emotional intelligence to understand what he is doing and why. So if you think about it, if he has a strong pattern of dating a lot of different women (at his age – which is not very typical), do you really think that is going to change if you get him back? You already had him once and he got distracted. What makes you think that won’t happen again??
Which leads me to this question….if you get him back, then what??? Does that mean you completely forget his choice and how he has treated you? Do you believe if you just get him back, everything will be okay again and you can return back to how you guys used to be?
Both Kanya and I are well over 30 and have had a lot of experience with dating and relationships. We understand the connection you feel, the heartache you feel and the strong desire to make something work that is broken. Both of us have personally experienced that as well, so we are here to help in whatever way you are willing to receive.
At this very moment, with him not talking to you and being with another woman who seems to really cause a lot of problems if he talks to you, it makes it difficult to use the advice from this program since you have some extenuating circumstances. You could try using the hero instinct with him and see what happens. Since he does have a history of taking really good care of you and enjoying it, you could probably activate his need to help you pretty easily. It’s just a matter of him receiving the message before she finds out and finding a way to hide it from her.
What were you thinking to ask him for help with? Do you guys text normally or talk over the phone?
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Yes yes yes!!! That is the a wonderful attitude to have!!! Every single one of us should have that attitude anytime a new friend or potential love interest is coming into our lives. Our hearts are valuable. Those that deeply connect to that, know to protect it and to be cautious who to let it. A person needs to earn the right of the love we offer. That takes a lot time and experience with many conversations and experiencing each other through the challenges that show up.
It sounds like he is coming around. He obviously is missing you, but not ready to jump back in. He is split, so one part of him is most likely scared to get back together and another part is having a hard time going through his life without you….hence the texting.
Make sure that when you guys get to that spot of discussing a possible re-connection, that you are VERY CLEAR about what you need from the relationship and him, in order to move forward.
You can say something like, “I miss you every single second of every single day since we’ve been apart. AND….I am not interested in re-connecting with you under the same design. If we decide to give this a shot again, I want to hear about EXACTLY what you need and to discuss what I need as well and make sure that we both agree that is a good direction.”
So why don’t you share with us here…what EXACTLY do you need to have happen before moving forward with him again?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
Wow…you guys have been through a lot. I’m so sorry! I feel your strength and will to want to make this work.
I’m really, really sorry to burst your bubble, but desire, belief and commitment CANNOT conquer all. A healthy relationship requires soooooo much more than that. Yes, those things count, but other things count more. Like having self esteem, integrity, self respect. Studies have shown that the guy who is the one who ultimately ends up making or breaking the relationship success. Meaning….the more emotional intelligence the guy has, the higher success of the relationship. So you can believe, desire and commit all you want, but if he doesn’t have that mindset to begin with, then there is nothing you can do about that. You picked a guy who has broken his word SEVERAL times with you over the years by connecting with other women. Do you really think that will change by talking about it or him promising again? You picked a guy who needs some “space” vs. having the mindset of doing whatever it takes to work through this. He is taking “space” to try to figure out how he feels about you vs. looking at what he is doing and you are doing to create these challenges and making the decision to face it instead of run from it.
Imagine you are an employer and you have job that needs to be done, so you hired him. He said some good things and you felt good about bringing him onto the team. After several months, you are discovering how far behind on the job you are and you start to look at what is happening. You discover that this guy is texting a lot on the job, taking long lunches, leaving a little early and always arriving late. You talk to him about your discoveries and he says he will do better, he promises. He does better for a month or so, but then he starts showing up late to work again and he started texting a lot again. You give him one more warning and one more change because you really like this guy. He does great for a few more months, but then those patterns show up again. As an employer and having a job to finish, is this a guy you want to keep giving warnings to??? You can’t teach someone or convince someone to have a work ethic. It’s in them or it isn’t. They may be able to work hard for a period of time, but you can always tell as time goes on, they shift back into old patterns and cannot maintain the ability to work hard over long periods of time….because it isn’t who they are.
It’s the same with relationships. You want to convince him or change his mindset and you can’t. He is who he is. Everything he is telling you through his “actions” (not his words) is that he is not the kind of guy who is willing to fight for this relationship. I doubt he would fight for any relationship. Most people don’t fight because it means they have to look at themselves and face things they don’t want to face. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Bottom line, you can do EVERYTHING right, say all the right things, give him everything he has ever wanted and it still won’t change that he is someone who isn’t willing to really fight for things when the chips are down. And in all of your efforts to give HIM everything that he wants and needs, you lose yourself.
The very most you can do at this point, is to work on yourself. Give him the space he wants and then turn your attention to yourself. Look at yourself and start to heal your hurts. Learn how to communicate better, learn how to take better care of yourself emotionally. Get to know your triggers and work with them. When you change, the dynamics of the relationship can change. Maybe he will follow you when he sees how much work you are doing on yourself!
Thoughts?
Heidi
