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Hi Rosemary!
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. There is a lot happening here and it’s clearly evident he is deeply, deeply unhappy. Not with you, but with himself. Many times, the person we love the most is the target of all our anger and frustrations and judgment. It sounds like you are his target.
These kinds of problems in a relationship are not something that can be fixed by you activating his hero instinct or changing little things about how you talk to him or appreciate him. He needs help.
You are choosing to fight for a relationship where he is verbally abusive, he has no interest in helping you with anything, he does not care how you feel, he is not interested in having sex, he is an addict and the list goes on. I know you know the good part of him. Now you are seeing the not so good part of him and it’s pretty intense. What’s your plan here? Are you just planning on waiting it out and hope he returns to who he used to be and then everything can go back to normal?? What about you getting some help? There is plenty of baggage you are carrying around that would make you stay fighting for a relationship with a guy that treats you so poorly. I know you are holding onto the good and know what he can be like. Problem is, that is not who he is anymore. He is cheating, he is miserable, he demeaning and disrespectful, he won’t have sex with you. This is who he is now and even if he did go back to his old self, this part of him doesn’t just go away. This part of him could easily come back with just right triggers.
Again…this is not about YOU fixing anything. It’s beyond that point. He needs help and not the kind you can offer him. You cannot save him. He has to save himself.
So again, what’s your plan?Heidi
Hi Elza,
How old are the both of you? How long has it been since his last relationship? Was it a traumatic ending?
Starting a relationship long distance is INCREDIBLY difficult to do. It’s one thing to be together for a year or longer and then go long distance. A foundation has been established. It’s another thing to try to build a foundation from just conversation. It’s so important to have experiences with each other. You don’t know what he is like when his feelings get hurt. You don’t know what kind of friends he has, what his reputation is, how he treats the person at the register at the grocery store. There are so many little details that make up a person and give you good information about they really are. Those are things you guys are missing out on each other. I know you feel love for him and definitely had hopes of falling madly in love and creating a life together. There just isn’t enough time and experience together to know that he is a safe person for you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Words are just words. They do not have any meaning until action supports those words and that the trouble with LDR. There is no ACTION to support all the words.
I’m glad you guys are at least remaining friends. I’m curious what your current mindset is. Are you guys still flirting and connecting in a “dating” way at all, or is it strictly friendship? How is your heart doing? Are you still hoping or have you let go?
Heidi
Hi Marieta!
It’s normal to be afraid of his reaction. You guys are still new with each other, so you don’t really know what he is like when you express something he may not like to hear. If he does not respond well, this is information you need to know about him, right?
Just remember, DO NOT make this about his friends. It isn’t about his friends at all, so make sure you are very clear about this. It’s about his word and following through with what he says he is going to do.
You can also set a boundary and say, “I am no longer going to wait around for you to show up. I will wait 15 minutes past the time we agree to meet up. Beyond that time, I am going to let go of our plans and go about my life. I am happy to wait and adjust things around, but you just need to communicate with me about what is happening.”
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marieta,
Are you comfortable just being honest about this? If you want this relationship to grow, it’s important to be able to communicate feelings and be authentic. What is stopping you from just being honest? He cannot fix something he doesn’t know is wrong.
You can say something like, “I love that you have your friends and how important they are to you. It’s actually one of my favorite things about you. I need to admit though, that I am having a hard time “understanding” when you make plans with me. It has nothing to do with your friends, but it has to do with your word….your integrity. You tell me you are going to meet me and then show up hours later. This is becoming a pattern and it’s something I would like to figure out with you. Is this something you are open to discussing with me?”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I understand your desire to get him back. It sounds like you really have a strong connection with him.
There is just 1 fundamental limitation here. You want him to change. That is the #1 way to ruin a relationship. If you want to be with ANY guy, you need to love and accept them for EXACTLY who they are, not who they could be. He has an addiction and isn’t even to the place of admitting to it. That’s his journey and of course, you get to be a part of it in whatever capacity you desire, but DO NOT expect him to change until he is ready. So until that point, you can support him, you can be his friend….but you can’t need anything from him that he is not able to offer….and that’s the problem you. You need / want something from him that he can’t offer you.
What is keeping you connected to him? What is stopping you from moving on?
Heidi
Hi Rong,
Remember that a guy likes a girl he has to chase a bit. It’s not impolite to refuse to sit in their cars. What it is….is you creating some boundaries, saying no, but leaving them with some possibilities. Guys LOVE this stuff! And if a guy doesn’t respond well to this…then that’s okay. He is not a good match for you anyways.
Here is what I would suggest, “Thank you for the invitation! It’s time for me to head inside. I would love to hang out again though. Walk me to my door?” It’s a strong but sweet response AND also letting the guy know you would like to see him again. A guy LOVES a girl who can say no and set a boundary! He will respect her. Again, if he doesn’t respect that….that’s not the kind of guy you want to be dating anyways. It’s a good way to filter out the yucky guys anyways, don’t you think?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
Are you doing okay since surgery???
It sounds like a smart move. Too much weird, silly stuff…I’m glad you reached your tolerance level and decided to create the final closure. Well done! How is your heart and mind settling into this decision???
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I love your tactic of just telling yourself, “It’s over. There is nothing between us.” Keep reminding yourself that you want a guy who knows, beyond any doubt, that he wants you in his life. You want a guy who makes plans with you. You want a guy who can’t stand to go an entire day without at least checking in to say hi. You want a guy who WANTS to make you a daily part of his life. You want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from getting to know you. Keep that in your mind. This is what you want, and this guy IS NOT THAT! He has not earned the right of your attention, nor your energy, nor your heart. This is what is true for right now. If something changes in the future, then so be it…but for right now, there is NOTHING.
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Be kind to yourself. We ALL have those moments! I will share a short story with you. Back in August I went to seminar. I met a guy there, that caught my attention. Super long story short, his words were amazing and wonderful to hear, but his actions never supported his words. So, he basically would say to my face, how much he enjoyed me and how much he would love to spend time with me and get to know me, but then would never once initiate getting together. Every time I saw him, it was because we ran into each other and started talking. This “crap” triggered me into this little 13 year old. I knew he was going on a group hike (I didn’t go) and when the group was returning, that I even sort of hid behind some very tall bushes just to “spy” when the van was returning, so I could quickly run up to the lobby and “accidentally” run into him again, of course with my best outfit on and feeling fabulous….lol! All the while, my very grown up self was going, “WTF are you doing??? He is not a match for you and you know it….blah blah blah” but my little girl energy was just sooooo strong. To make the moment of hiding behind the bushes, more fabulous, I called my mother, who is a super brilliant human being and I’m going, “Mom!!! What am I doing here??? I am a Coach and help people all the time with crap like this. I know better. How did this guy, that I JUST met, somehow trigger this very childlike, obsessed side to me. Where the heck did this come from and how in the world have I ended up here behind these bushes????” She started laughing so hard!!!! Which of course made everything better, because I could just laugh at myself!
Reality is Renee, it’s okay! We will ALWAYS have parts of ourselves that get triggered like that, no matter how healed, how smart, how wise or how together you really feel. Those moments are mostly humbling and just expose some parts that have been unattended to. The most effective thing you can do for yourself in those moments, is use your compassion. If your little girls doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine! You can talk here, even while she is hiding. There are plenty of comforting, kind, caring and gentle words you can tell her. She hears you!!Here is a VERY INTERESTING exercise…..go to the store and allow your little girl to pick out some paper and crayons. I picked out some GIANT paper with REALLY big crayons. Then you go home. You have a conversation with your little girl using the paper and crayons (or whatever you want to write with). Your dominant hand is your adult, your non dominant hand writes for your little girl. It is SUPER FASCINATING what ends up coming out sometimes!!! So your adult can start with asking questions. “Tell me how you are feeling right now. What would you like to me? I would love to hear anything you have to say to me right now? How do you feel about…..” Then put the crayon in your non-dominant hand and have at it! No filtering anything!!!! Writing with your non-dominant hand completely feels like you are writing like a kid…it’s fascinating! Now…the only rule is for you, that adult, to NOT FIX anything. Your only job is to validate, comfort, ask more questions and be a good listening ear. DO NOT give advice, guidance or correct anything that she is feeling. Your ONLY JOB is to listen and acknowledge her for all that she is feeling….THAT’S IT!!!!
It’s things like this, that can help strengthen your inner self. You are controlling with your mind because your heart isn’t safe. Once you feel more and more safe to feel, allow yourself to be guided intuitively vs. from your head, your analyzing will be less, your need to control will be naturally less, because you feel safe inside of yourself….you have a trust with yourself.
How to go about that process is a mile long list. There are any range of therapies to energetic therapies etc. that can help strengthen your insides bit by bit. It just sounds like you have a more internal work to do…that’s all. I do have a recommendation of a Coach I use. I get the fastest and deepest results from her than anyone I have ever been to. She is brilliant and in my book, far exceeds any other coach, healer, therapist I have been to. I have never met anyone who can navigate the psyche like she does….it’s fascinating!!! I get instant results every session. I am more than happy to share her info, if you feel inspired to give it a shot. You can always just email me at [email protected] and I’ll give you her contact info.Thank you for all that you share and giving us a peak into your humanness! You are just so delightful and wonderful to interact with!!!
Heidi
Oops….hit send too soon
In closing, I want to reflect back to you something I am sensing. You are the only one who knows how true this is, but I have no doubt you will take it into consideration.
It feels like you are still in your “head” a lot. You are analyzing everything about the situation. It seems like you are analyzing every little thing he is saying and doing and trying to “figure this all out” and have it make some sense. There is just that energy that comes off a lot when I am reading what you write.
It’s a very normal response. I get caught up in that as well. The more you learn about the psyche, the easier it is to head into analyzing everything to understand the depths of a person / situation. It’s a WONDERFUL skill to have AND it can definitely lead you into trouble.
Here is what I have found over the years. The more I felt safe within myself, the less I needed to analyze. The more I had trust inside myself, the less I needed to understand all the little details. I realized that my need to analyze and understand everything that was happening, was just a way I was trying to control the situation. The more I knew, the more I was able to decide when, how, what etc. of my behavior so I could get what I wanted. You want to rejoin with him at some point. You want a more solid relationship. You want to bond deeper and have a relationship with him that more peaceful. You want to feel like you can trust him. It seems like one of the ways you are trying to accomplish all of this, is by analyzing and looking at every little thing he does and say that will either dash your hopes or build up your hopes of being together again at some point.
It’s A LOT of energy to live that way and not very peaceful.Which takes me back to the statement I mentioned above about putting your trust in YOURSELF and not him. When you fully embrace that statement and BECOME that statement, your need to analyze will change. You will be so much more present, peaceful and enjoying the moment. Your fears about the future will lessen.
Okay….now I’m done and can press send! Looking forward to your response!
heidi
Hi Renee,
I understand his perspective about you asking questions with a different energy behind them. It does sound like he is changing his perspective quite a bit as well. This reminds me of me actually. When I was in my 20’s, all the questions I asked came from a place of gathering information so I could control the situation….bottom line, it allowed me to be able to see to ALL the dynamics so I could split if need be or break up before they would. I was very good at it! lol….now…when I ask the same exact questions when getting to know a guy, it’s mostly because I am just curious. I have so much more trust in myself that I my need to control is waaaaay down and at a healthy level. So the energy behind my questions has changed. It sounds like it’s some of the same for you! That, in and of itself, is building trust between you two!
Blossoming is a good word! You both are on this path of growing so you are going to start to see each other differently. Your paths are definitely aligned with each so your growth is happening in the same direction vs. opposite directions. This is brilliant!!!
I’m not going to agree with his mother in her belief NOT to vent to a man unless it’s a problem he can solve. I think that is undermining the potential of what a man can do. It’s simple actually. You just need to help them a little bit. I have said things like, “I’m going to vent right now and that’s it. I don’t need you to fix this. If you could just help me by listening and then putting your arms around me and telling me it’s going to be okay….you will help me sooooo much!” In that statement, I told the guy HOW he can be my hero without problem solving. If you just take off the pressure of problem solving, I have found they just relax because they know they can meet my needs in a different way and that works brilliantly!!!! She just need a little guidance, that’s all.
Let’s talk about this paragraph for a bit:
“I also see that even though he’s responsive, I think I may overwhelm him a little here and there…I need to work on that. Also, I’m afraid sometimes I’m making myself too available. I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be taken for granted, or let him take for granted he can do this indefinitely. I’m okay with him needing time and space, but not to always break up to take it. I think once we’re a little more on the “together” side, this is something I’m going to bring up. Right now, all it would do is push him away, so the timing is definitely not right.”
I just want to point out your language:
1. “let him take me for granted”….this is victim mentality. Anytime you say “let….” it’s saying you are victim and you aren’t. No one can EVER take advantage of you without your choice in the matter, right? If you feel he is taking advantage of you, that’s on you to get your needs met, not to change him.
2. “I’m afraid sometimes of making myself too available.” Your fear about him and being taken for granted is more about you not feeling safe inside yourself and trusting your own decisions and actions. What is this about on a deeper level for you? Truth is, if you are aligned with yourself, this fear would not exist. If you 100% love who you are and how you treat him and the kind of person you are towards him, then the fear wouldn’t exist, right? Fears show up to let us know we are not aligned in truth.
I would invite you to consider NOT addressing this issue with him about breaking up when he needs space. Reality is, you can talk to him and he could agree not to break up and work through it instead, but those agreements are only as good as the moment it’s made. You don’t REALLY know what someone is going to do in the moment, so this particular issue is not about any “words” or agreement you both make….it’s more about the ACTION that will be taken, should you guys get to this point again. Regardless of any agreement you both make about the future, it’s still the future and unpredictable, so that is the aspect you need to with. There is uncertainty and there is the possibility that he will break up again when he needs space. No matter what is said in any conversation you have with him about that….that possibility is still going to be there.
Your fear is really about yourself, not him. Alleviate the fear yourself, instead of wanting him to do it for you. Here is a good statement to align yourself with: “I trust myself that no matter what happens in the future, no matter what decisions he makes, I will be okay. I am resilient, I am resourceful, I know how to love myself through any situation that shows up. I will be okay, no matter what happens.” So let me ask you this….if you were 100% aligned with this statement, would you still feel the need to have that conversation with him?
Heidi
Hi Celest!!
You are asking some great questions and I love that you care this much about some of the smallest details.
I’m wondering…have you checked the dating site where you guys met? Do you know if he is still online and has an active profile??
I’m not entirely convinced that his respiratory issues are the complete reason for his lack of response. It could be a convenient reason to keep someone at a distance. Or maybe not…I don’t know. What I do know, is that when a guy really likes a girl, she knows it. He will call, he will make time to see her, he will show interest and she will have no doubt that he likes her. He is not behaving this way. It sounds like he liked you in the beginning, but something has faded, for whatever reason. If a guy that I am dating, can go 2 weeks without talking to me or making time to see me, then I know he just isn’t into me to the extent that I deserve. I want a guy who NEEDS to connect with frequently because I add to his life and he wants to make me part of his day. Isn’t that how you want to feel???
I’m saying this because I am seeing you put quite a bit of effort and thought into a guy who doesn’t seem to be returning it, for whatever reason. Respiratory problems or not, you are the only reason this thing is still going. If you were to step away and do absolutely nothing, do you think this relationship would last?
One thing I always like to guide people towards, is to just be yourself. When you start asking questions like what should I say or do or should I ask this etc….it’s starting to head into dangerous territory of you being who you think you should be to keep his attention vs. you just being yourself and letting the chips fall where they may. If he can’t like you for who you are, then he is not a match for you, no matter how you feel about him. So if you want to ask about his health, then ask…because that is who you are! You care deeply and it’s important you show that to him. He may appreciate that part about you or he may reject it…either way, it’s good information you need to know about him right?
As far as your next conversation, I would ask for his advice, I would ask about his health and I would just have a regular conversation and then see what happens. I would want to see if he asks me out or asks questions about me. I would want to see if he makes any efforts and initiates a way to connect again. I would be looking for signs that he is interested in connecting with me, beyond just friendship. I would want to see if he actually engages in conversation or tries to get off the phone after helping me. It could be a good way to gather more info about what he is doing. Does this makes sense??
I know what I have said may feel abrasive on some level, considering how you feel about this guy. I am so sorry about that! I could totally be wrong as I am not in your situation. I’m just wanting you to consider that despite the connection you feel for him, there is something missing on his end, and it may not be respiratory issues…and maybe it is!! It’s important to find out before continuing to invest your heart, your energy, your dreams into this guy.
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Smart move putting your phone in the drawer!!! Yes…it’s normal for people, especially women, to be affected energetically during this particular time…don’t fret! It’s just emotion, right? so what that you got upset! So what that he gets under your skin! So what that he drives you crazy! Bottom line…it’s all just temporary and every single moment offers you a gift….that gift is the moment to love yourself in your messiness and craziness…the gift is being able to see where your fault lines are (the areas where you have cracks in your self esteem) the gift is developing your ability to be resilient, the gift is learning how to manage your emotions so you don’t do something harmful to anyone…..so whenever I have those crazy moments…I just allow it and let it all come out. I will give myself a time limit sometimes to where I will say….”Okay….you get to feel sorry for yourself and indulge in all the hurt and anger until the end of the day or for the next few hours, and then it’s time to put the big girl panties on and get to work on processing all of it.” So when I allow myself to feel all that…I sure let it rip…lol. And it’s so great! That, in and of itself, helps transform the energy. Sometimes I will put a song on that makes me feel more of whatever I am feeling. So if I am depressed, I put a sad song on and REALLY feel it…I will dance the depression too. The idea is not to stop it or make it go away or “shoulding” yourself…the idea is to join it and let it flow and take it’s course. It’s just what life is. You will have MANY moments like these for the rest of your life! How you handle this will determine how you handle the next time this happens. Also, be kind to yourself. Remember you are hurting right now, so going on social media is not the best idea. But then again…maybe going on social media is important for you…maybe you need to keep hurting and increasing the hurt so you finally let go and make a different decision. What do you think?
I forgot to respond about personal training. I do not do it online….I’ve thought about it many times, but decided against it due to how I work with my clients in the gym. However, if you have any questions, I can absolutely guide you to some high quality online sources. Just let me know!!!
Keep going to the gym!!!
Heidi
Hi Marieta,
Wonderful! I’m so glad that was your choice!
So how is everything going?? More details would be wonderful to hear!!
Renee! This is very exciting! Share with me the things that he noticed…I’m curious.
It sounds like you are staying very grounded and really making some deep connections to his pain and experiences in his life. I get your need to compare his life to your own. I have done that a lot as well and it’s just our wounded self wanting to make our pain matter, because it never did, right??? So when I find myself comparing, I immediately stop and recognize my wounded self, acknowledge her, love her and give her what is really wanting…which is attention and love.
I love that you are practicing being present, setting new boundaries and breaking things down only to rebuild. It’s the them right now isn’t it??? A lot of that going on for you! It’s a transformative year for you!!!
There will ALWAYS be a long road ahead. That doesn’t matter though, right?? You guys are figuring it out because you are paying attention to yourselves first and foremost and then learning how to rejoin with more authenticity. That is a forever practice isn’t it? So you don’t have a loooong road ahead…you just have a road that is infinite and right now, in this moment, you both are in a phase of breaking down what didn’t work and rebuilding with what does work. Then there will be some peace for awhile and then there will be another phase….and so on. You guys are doing so great!!! You especially are waking up to all kinds of new things for yourself. Bravo!!!!
Thank you for all the wonderful detail and continuing to share!
Oh! Have fun at the tarot class! It’s sooooo much fun to read cards! There are a gazillion decks out there and so many different ways and philosophies on how to read the cards….tarot is a GIANT world and offers endless entertainment and opportunities for growth and expansion. What are you wanting to do with it??
Heidi
