Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I am so sorry Nichole. It sounds like he is quite the tortured soul. Bottom line is, he has to figure out a way to fight harder. He has to be willing to take the drugs, go to support groups, find a therapist….something to relieve himself of this torture. The thing is, when you live with it for so long, you develop quite a strong relationship with those feelings of depression and suicide ideation. So far, he hasn’t really wanted to kill himself. If he did, he would have done it. He still has SOMETHING in him that wants to live. Maybe you can send him a video of someone talking about how they pulled themselves out of that dark pit. He needs to see there is hope. He needs to see that other people have done it and it’s possible. He needs someone to identify with and can act as a role model. Maybe there are youtube videos? Articles? Maybe send him a link to a website???
The worst thing you could do is take responsibility for his life though. His life is not in YOUR hands. It’s in his. You want to support, but the moment you start to feel “responsible” for his life and his happiness and feeling responsible for pulling him out of his funk, you will be fighting a losing battle. He has a LOOOOONG road ahead of him. Hopefully he chooses the path of healing. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can give him all the info in the world, the support, the encouragement etc. but you can’t make him decide to help himself.
How are you doing??
Heidi
Hi Dana!
This is so funny! Another post on here was a woman ALSO going “crazy” with emotions and having a very hard time, with her period happening right around this crazy wolf moon. It’s not fair is it??? We, as ladies, sure go through a lot. We have a lot more access to our emotions than most men. It’s a gift AND it’s a challenge as well.
I understand ALL that you want and I know you miss him. All those things you listed are so wonderful. There is one particular one I want to address first. “I want him to make me feel secure and confident that I am THE ONLY girl.” This statement goes along the theme that is based in an illusion. First, it is not his job to make you feel secure and confident. That is your job! When you put the power in HIS hands to make you feel better about yourself, that’s when you lose yourself and will ALWAYS be sadly disappointed. He is going to let you down, disappoint you, make decisions that hurt you….so when you give him that much power in your life, when he is being his human self and messing up, that means you are going to crumble because your identity is wrapped up in him. Second, you are not the only girl and he is not the only guy. There is no such thing. I don’t care how strong a connection is between a couple, there is ALWAYS the possibility that someone else comes along and there is a strong connection, there is something that happens etc. That’s life. It’s a rare couple where someone hasn’t been “tempted” at one point or another. The goal is, to say no when there is temptation and stay in alignment with your commitment.
You are looking for a place your heart can settle. I understand that. However, you are looking OUTSIDE of you instead of INSIDE of you. It’s is SO CRUCIAL that you develop your internal strength. That way, when the world around you is falling apart, you still have a solid sense of self, a trust in yourself, a knowing of your strength and value. This will not be the last time this happens to you. Moments like these will show up for the rest of your life! The more you rely on HIM to be a certain way so you can feel happy, safe and secure, the more you don’t do your own work and develop your self esteem on your own.
Spend this time right now focusing on YOU. What can you do to fill yourself up and make yourself connect to the truth about who you are, regardless of him responding to you or not. He actually doesn’t matter!!!! He is giving you such a GREAT gift by exposing the parts of you that are really insecure. Life is handing you a moment saying, “You want self esteem? How bad do you want self esteem? Are you really willing to do what it takes to have your self esteem grow?” You can either keep focusing your attention on him and the end result that you are trying to make happen, or you can focus on you and look at this as a phase where it’s time to go to the gym for your emotional health.
You are okay Dana. He does not define your happiness, you do. It’s time for you to really work on connecting to that truth. The only thing to “fix” here or “figure out” here, is NOT HIM….it’s you! And when you really commit to that path, you will discover he doesn’t matter….you know you are valuable and loveable with or without him.
Heidi
Hi Elza,
I agree that he most likely does have feelings for you. There is nothing wrong with continuing a friendship and maybe, at some point, he will be ready for something more. It is not unusual for a man of his age to want to sleep around and have his experiences. The 20’s is very much about developing yourself in the world. You get out of college and you start to figure out how you are going to express yourself in the world. Cravings for marriage and more serious relationships usually shows up closer to 30 when people are naturally wanting to start to build a family. These are, of course, societal and social generalizations. Bottom line is, his heart was broken not too long ago. I have no doubt he is still trying to figure out who he is separate than a woman. He is wanting to “feel” what being single is like. That’s a process and I’m glad he is being honest about his process, even though he still does have feelings for you.
The best thing you can do is to just continue to be friends and enjoy his company AND continue to live your life. Keep the door open for other guys to come along and catch your attention. Keep dating and keep living your life. If and when this guy ever feels ready for something more, you can decide at that point if you want to pursue something with him. Until then, it sounds like keeping what you guys have going right now is a good plan!!!
Heidi
Hi Nichole!
I find it interesting that he is talking suicide yet still going to work and still going to the doctor. Did he make another appointment to get the correct hormone testing? He is starting to take st. johns wort which is a great step?
How far did he get before with his attempted suicides? You said his friends stopped him both times. Was he found by friends or did his friends stop him before he tried???
How long has he been like this? Do you know what it’s connected to? Meaning, do you know his history with his family life or something that would lead him into this direction?
I don’t know what it’s like there, but here you can commit someone against their will. I don’t know if you would be able to report him somehow.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow…there is a lot happening here and my hear goes out to you!!!
Mike is really missing out on you. I’m sorry he is making the kind of choices he is. They will have troubles…guaranteed. Whether he decides to make it last or not doesn’t even matter.
What matters is for you to set some standards for yourself. Even if he did come back, major trust has been broken. Your relationship would not be the same. I imagine you would be functioning out of a lot of fear and would be doing everything you could to keep his attention vs. feeling balanced and authentic in your relationship. Even if he did come back, that doesn’t change what he is capable of. It doesn’t change that he could get up and walk out again if someone else catches his attention. You guys would need a lot of help to build up a new foundation so your relationship could function from a healthier place.
It is a rollercoaster ride trying to heal from something like this. Is there a coach, a therapist or someone who has experience that you could talk with on a weekly basis? There are days you feel so empowered and wonderful and like you are getting your life back and then there are days where you are falling down deep into depression, anger, resentment, desperation. It all ebbs and flows, but over time, the good times will last longer and longer and that’s how you know you are healing. When the hard times show up, it’s crucial to take real good care of yourself. Looking to him to make you feel better doesn’t help nor change anything. What kinds of things are you doing for yourself to get you through this time?
And sadly enough, I know so many women who don’t care that the guy they are dating is already taken. They have pretty low standards and huge amount of baggage they are carrying around to pick an unavailable man. Believe me….they WILL have some challenges!
Heidi
Hi Rosemary!
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. There is a lot happening here and it’s clearly evident he is deeply, deeply unhappy. Not with you, but with himself. Many times, the person we love the most is the target of all our anger and frustrations and judgment. It sounds like you are his target.
These kinds of problems in a relationship are not something that can be fixed by you activating his hero instinct or changing little things about how you talk to him or appreciate him. He needs help.
You are choosing to fight for a relationship where he is verbally abusive, he has no interest in helping you with anything, he does not care how you feel, he is not interested in having sex, he is an addict and the list goes on. I know you know the good part of him. Now you are seeing the not so good part of him and it’s pretty intense. What’s your plan here? Are you just planning on waiting it out and hope he returns to who he used to be and then everything can go back to normal?? What about you getting some help? There is plenty of baggage you are carrying around that would make you stay fighting for a relationship with a guy that treats you so poorly. I know you are holding onto the good and know what he can be like. Problem is, that is not who he is anymore. He is cheating, he is miserable, he demeaning and disrespectful, he won’t have sex with you. This is who he is now and even if he did go back to his old self, this part of him doesn’t just go away. This part of him could easily come back with just right triggers.
Again…this is not about YOU fixing anything. It’s beyond that point. He needs help and not the kind you can offer him. You cannot save him. He has to save himself.
So again, what’s your plan?Heidi
Hi Elza,
How old are the both of you? How long has it been since his last relationship? Was it a traumatic ending?
Starting a relationship long distance is INCREDIBLY difficult to do. It’s one thing to be together for a year or longer and then go long distance. A foundation has been established. It’s another thing to try to build a foundation from just conversation. It’s so important to have experiences with each other. You don’t know what he is like when his feelings get hurt. You don’t know what kind of friends he has, what his reputation is, how he treats the person at the register at the grocery store. There are so many little details that make up a person and give you good information about they really are. Those are things you guys are missing out on each other. I know you feel love for him and definitely had hopes of falling madly in love and creating a life together. There just isn’t enough time and experience together to know that he is a safe person for you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Words are just words. They do not have any meaning until action supports those words and that the trouble with LDR. There is no ACTION to support all the words.
I’m glad you guys are at least remaining friends. I’m curious what your current mindset is. Are you guys still flirting and connecting in a “dating” way at all, or is it strictly friendship? How is your heart doing? Are you still hoping or have you let go?
Heidi
Hi Marieta!
It’s normal to be afraid of his reaction. You guys are still new with each other, so you don’t really know what he is like when you express something he may not like to hear. If he does not respond well, this is information you need to know about him, right?
Just remember, DO NOT make this about his friends. It isn’t about his friends at all, so make sure you are very clear about this. It’s about his word and following through with what he says he is going to do.
You can also set a boundary and say, “I am no longer going to wait around for you to show up. I will wait 15 minutes past the time we agree to meet up. Beyond that time, I am going to let go of our plans and go about my life. I am happy to wait and adjust things around, but you just need to communicate with me about what is happening.”
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marieta,
Are you comfortable just being honest about this? If you want this relationship to grow, it’s important to be able to communicate feelings and be authentic. What is stopping you from just being honest? He cannot fix something he doesn’t know is wrong.
You can say something like, “I love that you have your friends and how important they are to you. It’s actually one of my favorite things about you. I need to admit though, that I am having a hard time “understanding” when you make plans with me. It has nothing to do with your friends, but it has to do with your word….your integrity. You tell me you are going to meet me and then show up hours later. This is becoming a pattern and it’s something I would like to figure out with you. Is this something you are open to discussing with me?”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Angie,
I understand your desire to get him back. It sounds like you really have a strong connection with him.
There is just 1 fundamental limitation here. You want him to change. That is the #1 way to ruin a relationship. If you want to be with ANY guy, you need to love and accept them for EXACTLY who they are, not who they could be. He has an addiction and isn’t even to the place of admitting to it. That’s his journey and of course, you get to be a part of it in whatever capacity you desire, but DO NOT expect him to change until he is ready. So until that point, you can support him, you can be his friend….but you can’t need anything from him that he is not able to offer….and that’s the problem you. You need / want something from him that he can’t offer you.
What is keeping you connected to him? What is stopping you from moving on?
Heidi
Hi Rong,
Remember that a guy likes a girl he has to chase a bit. It’s not impolite to refuse to sit in their cars. What it is….is you creating some boundaries, saying no, but leaving them with some possibilities. Guys LOVE this stuff! And if a guy doesn’t respond well to this…then that’s okay. He is not a good match for you anyways.
Here is what I would suggest, “Thank you for the invitation! It’s time for me to head inside. I would love to hang out again though. Walk me to my door?” It’s a strong but sweet response AND also letting the guy know you would like to see him again. A guy LOVES a girl who can say no and set a boundary! He will respect her. Again, if he doesn’t respect that….that’s not the kind of guy you want to be dating anyways. It’s a good way to filter out the yucky guys anyways, don’t you think?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
Are you doing okay since surgery???
It sounds like a smart move. Too much weird, silly stuff…I’m glad you reached your tolerance level and decided to create the final closure. Well done! How is your heart and mind settling into this decision???
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I love your tactic of just telling yourself, “It’s over. There is nothing between us.” Keep reminding yourself that you want a guy who knows, beyond any doubt, that he wants you in his life. You want a guy who makes plans with you. You want a guy who can’t stand to go an entire day without at least checking in to say hi. You want a guy who WANTS to make you a daily part of his life. You want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from getting to know you. Keep that in your mind. This is what you want, and this guy IS NOT THAT! He has not earned the right of your attention, nor your energy, nor your heart. This is what is true for right now. If something changes in the future, then so be it…but for right now, there is NOTHING.
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Be kind to yourself. We ALL have those moments! I will share a short story with you. Back in August I went to seminar. I met a guy there, that caught my attention. Super long story short, his words were amazing and wonderful to hear, but his actions never supported his words. So, he basically would say to my face, how much he enjoyed me and how much he would love to spend time with me and get to know me, but then would never once initiate getting together. Every time I saw him, it was because we ran into each other and started talking. This “crap” triggered me into this little 13 year old. I knew he was going on a group hike (I didn’t go) and when the group was returning, that I even sort of hid behind some very tall bushes just to “spy” when the van was returning, so I could quickly run up to the lobby and “accidentally” run into him again, of course with my best outfit on and feeling fabulous….lol! All the while, my very grown up self was going, “WTF are you doing??? He is not a match for you and you know it….blah blah blah” but my little girl energy was just sooooo strong. To make the moment of hiding behind the bushes, more fabulous, I called my mother, who is a super brilliant human being and I’m going, “Mom!!! What am I doing here??? I am a Coach and help people all the time with crap like this. I know better. How did this guy, that I JUST met, somehow trigger this very childlike, obsessed side to me. Where the heck did this come from and how in the world have I ended up here behind these bushes????” She started laughing so hard!!!! Which of course made everything better, because I could just laugh at myself!
Reality is Renee, it’s okay! We will ALWAYS have parts of ourselves that get triggered like that, no matter how healed, how smart, how wise or how together you really feel. Those moments are mostly humbling and just expose some parts that have been unattended to. The most effective thing you can do for yourself in those moments, is use your compassion. If your little girls doesn’t want to talk, that’s fine! You can talk here, even while she is hiding. There are plenty of comforting, kind, caring and gentle words you can tell her. She hears you!!Here is a VERY INTERESTING exercise…..go to the store and allow your little girl to pick out some paper and crayons. I picked out some GIANT paper with REALLY big crayons. Then you go home. You have a conversation with your little girl using the paper and crayons (or whatever you want to write with). Your dominant hand is your adult, your non dominant hand writes for your little girl. It is SUPER FASCINATING what ends up coming out sometimes!!! So your adult can start with asking questions. “Tell me how you are feeling right now. What would you like to me? I would love to hear anything you have to say to me right now? How do you feel about…..” Then put the crayon in your non-dominant hand and have at it! No filtering anything!!!! Writing with your non-dominant hand completely feels like you are writing like a kid…it’s fascinating! Now…the only rule is for you, that adult, to NOT FIX anything. Your only job is to validate, comfort, ask more questions and be a good listening ear. DO NOT give advice, guidance or correct anything that she is feeling. Your ONLY JOB is to listen and acknowledge her for all that she is feeling….THAT’S IT!!!!
It’s things like this, that can help strengthen your inner self. You are controlling with your mind because your heart isn’t safe. Once you feel more and more safe to feel, allow yourself to be guided intuitively vs. from your head, your analyzing will be less, your need to control will be naturally less, because you feel safe inside of yourself….you have a trust with yourself.
How to go about that process is a mile long list. There are any range of therapies to energetic therapies etc. that can help strengthen your insides bit by bit. It just sounds like you have a more internal work to do…that’s all. I do have a recommendation of a Coach I use. I get the fastest and deepest results from her than anyone I have ever been to. She is brilliant and in my book, far exceeds any other coach, healer, therapist I have been to. I have never met anyone who can navigate the psyche like she does….it’s fascinating!!! I get instant results every session. I am more than happy to share her info, if you feel inspired to give it a shot. You can always just email me at [email protected] and I’ll give you her contact info.Thank you for all that you share and giving us a peak into your humanness! You are just so delightful and wonderful to interact with!!!
Heidi
Oops….hit send too soon
In closing, I want to reflect back to you something I am sensing. You are the only one who knows how true this is, but I have no doubt you will take it into consideration.
It feels like you are still in your “head” a lot. You are analyzing everything about the situation. It seems like you are analyzing every little thing he is saying and doing and trying to “figure this all out” and have it make some sense. There is just that energy that comes off a lot when I am reading what you write.
It’s a very normal response. I get caught up in that as well. The more you learn about the psyche, the easier it is to head into analyzing everything to understand the depths of a person / situation. It’s a WONDERFUL skill to have AND it can definitely lead you into trouble.
Here is what I have found over the years. The more I felt safe within myself, the less I needed to analyze. The more I had trust inside myself, the less I needed to understand all the little details. I realized that my need to analyze and understand everything that was happening, was just a way I was trying to control the situation. The more I knew, the more I was able to decide when, how, what etc. of my behavior so I could get what I wanted. You want to rejoin with him at some point. You want a more solid relationship. You want to bond deeper and have a relationship with him that more peaceful. You want to feel like you can trust him. It seems like one of the ways you are trying to accomplish all of this, is by analyzing and looking at every little thing he does and say that will either dash your hopes or build up your hopes of being together again at some point.
It’s A LOT of energy to live that way and not very peaceful.Which takes me back to the statement I mentioned above about putting your trust in YOURSELF and not him. When you fully embrace that statement and BECOME that statement, your need to analyze will change. You will be so much more present, peaceful and enjoying the moment. Your fears about the future will lessen.
Okay….now I’m done and can press send! Looking forward to your response!
heidi
