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What I have learned to do, is write on Word and then copy and paste my responses so I never lose them. Just a little tip.
Hi Tracy,
I’m so sorry! As a moderator on this forum and having responded hundreds of times, this has happened to me as well. It’s always something I end up touching on my computer that doesn’t end up completing the action for some reason. I never know what I end up touching, so I can’t tell you what happened. Something went wrong obviously and I KNOW how frustrating that is!!!
Would you be willing to write out your response again???
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Depression is all about hopelessness and there, of course, are varying levels of it. Sometimes, with more simple depression, just validating the person and how they are feeling is helpful. Asking them more questions about it so they feel like you are interested in knowing about how they feel is helpful. Sometimes…that is enough.
If the depression is more chronic and more serious, medication may be needed. When someone is depressed long enough, the chemistry in the brain changes and that is when the medication is needed and professional help is needed.
Has he always been depressed? Is he depressed about life in general or are there certain topics he always talks about?
Heidi
Hi Elza!
Wonderful! I’m glad you are on line with this approach! A lot can happen in 8 months! I have no doubt he will appreciate your friendship and connection and then in September when you guys see each other again, you will have a much more solid foundation, trust will have been built and you guys can see what happens from there.
Remember, if you start to feel like you are getting pulled into wanting more from him, stop yourself!!! He will feel that energy from you and most likely will pull back. Stay flirty and have fun, but keep perspective here. Respect what he needs to do right now and still go live your life!
Please keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Dana,
First and foremost, be kind to yourself. The amount of judgment you have towards yourself is so HUGE, that there is no way for you to feel peaceful for who you are….AND that makes you also quite judgmental towards others as well.
The moment you say, “I am bad at this! What’s wrong with me???” type of thinking, that is an INSTANT cue that you need some love and attention and comfort. You are just human! You have triggers, just like the rest of us. You have limitations, just like the rest of us. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!!!
I understand you are tired from helping everyone else. Reality is though, it defines you. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because that is how you define your value in this world. Imagine if people didn’t need you and you didn’t spend so much energy helping other people. Truth is, you wouldn’t know who you are. This is a gift and strength of yours no doubt, but our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. Your ability to love and comfort and care for others is hurting you. You are over functioning because of how bad you feel inside. So instead of directly facing yourself, your hurt, the wounds you have never healed, you try to feel better by helping everyone else out of your pain. This is all a subconscious design of course. For future reference, it’s good for you to know yourself this way. When you start to over function in the future, it can now be a good sign that you are ignoring your own needs. Make sense?
I too am a very strong person in general…AND I have areas where I am super fragile. Strength also means that you have the ability to be fragile! It’s not about NOT being fragile…it’s about having the strength to be real, value what shows up (even if it’s uncomfortable) and instead of judging, you embrace and get to know that part of you.
Here is an exercise for you to do. Go to the store and get some BIG paper and GIANT markers or crayons. Then sit down and have a conversation with yourself. Your dominant hand represents you, the adult. Your non dominant hand represents the wounded little girl part of you that is hurting and has been hurt. Have a conversation with her!!! Start with saying to her, “I see you. I feel you. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Tell me what you want to say.” Then switch the crayon to your non dominant hand and just let it flow. No analyzing or filtering….just let that part of you say whatever she wants to say. Then switch the crayon back to your dominant hand and offer comfort, validation and say things like “It’s okay that he doesn’t love. I love you. I have you. I care about you and I will take care of you.” Keep having the conversation until you feel complete. Do that EVERY DAY!!!! You will be SHOCKED at what comes out!! It’s amazing and it’s all very healing! When you are having freak out moments, go write to her. This is the beginning of you starting to really connect to yourself and LOVE yourself through this difficult phase instead of judging yourself.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hello Hyman!
Thank you for joining us here on the forum! We love to hear how our program has helped you and that it worked well for you….at least for a bit. It sounds like the core issues in your marriage are what is preventing the both of you from connecting.
Have you ever read “A Man’s Guide to Women?” Have you ever studied John Gottman’s work? He actually has a new book coming out called “Essential Conversation for a Lifetime of Love. Eight Dates” https://www.gottman.com/ I love his work because it’s based on science. He has the longest study to date, where he asked the question, what makes a marriage work? The results were incredible and he still continues to release new information that he is still discovering in his studies of couples. Maybe his work can give you some new insight.
It sounds like you both have a tendency to hold onto things. Forgiveness is not easy for either of you, correct? Have you guys looked into your past, beyond the marriage?
When you say “All I need is love and I am on top of the world” yet your husband feels he can never make you happy…you both are actually making the same statement. I’m just going to be very blunt here. Your statement puts a TON of pressure on him. There is NOTHING simple and easy about that statement. Love is a very complicated, confusing, layered dynamic full of a gazillion emotions, perceptions, woundedness, misinterpretations etc. All any of us need is love, right? If it were so simple and easy, then why is the divorce rate over 50%. The truth is, all you need is SELF LOVE. When you are relying on your husband to be a certain way in order for you to be happy and feel fulfilled, you are looking in the wrong direction….you will ALWAYS be disappointed because he is human and is guaranteed to mess up. It starts with self love and learning to meet your own needs first and foremost before looking to another person to fix anything for you. You lack respect for him? Do you respect yourself? Deep down? I imagine you have a lot of judgment towards him. If this is true, that means you have a lot of judgment towards yourself. If you lived with resentment for a long time, that means you haven’t forgiven others and you haven’t forgiven yourself, therefore how could you forgive him? Resentment happens over years and years of letting things build up (and I’m sure it started way before you met your husband).
Do you follow where I am taking you? It sounds like you guys are working on your marriage and that is soooo great! Have you guys ever just worked individually on your deeper / personal issues that are affecting the marriage?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
First, the most important thing in this whole process is for you to be authentic. You don’t want to “spoil” things, but remember, you are loveable and worth knowing JUST AS YOU ARE….even in all of your humanness and limitations and mess-ups. Not wanting to “spoil” things means you are afraid of messing up or not doing or saying the “right” things. That’s an illusion. Even if you were “perfect” it does not guarantee ANYTHING in life. So first and foremost, it’s about you becoming comfortable and accepting your humanness and knowing that whether or not he chooses to stay connected, it doesn’t change your value.
Do you understand how your request above is coming from a place of fear and a lack of self love? I’d invite you to work on that aspect of this situation vs. trying to do and be everything “perfect” in efforts to keep him connected.
Heidi
Hi Ana,
For now, you don’t have to know anything for sure. For today, you guys are just enjoying each other and caring about each other in your own ways. There is still connection, there is still care, there is still friendship. For today, just let it all be that. Enjoy it and don’t try to make anything happen from it. Not yet. Just let it settle in this space for a bit. Let go of the facebook thing, let go of the past and imagine you are just building from here on out, your friendship, your connection, your care about each other. Over time, you guys will get new information about each other and you can go from there. But for today, it’s all good! Today is what matter. It’s time for you to heal and recover and just take things in stride. Tomorrow will be there when you wake up and you will deal with it when it arrives. Until then, appreciate what you do have and value that and find joy in it!!!
Heidi
Hi Rosemary,
You have painted quite a bleak picture of your future. I understand completely why you would feel all of those things and it all is certainly a possibility. There are other possibilities though. There are plenty of women and men in wheelchairs who have full, happy lives. They have found people along the way to help them. They have found ways to heal their hearts. They have found ways to forgive.
Of course you want to smash everything! You have a lot of anger in your heart and over time, that can be very dangerous! Before you know it, you are causing harm in some form or another because the anger has to go somewhere. That anger can even turn into cancer or something harmful for your own body. You have got to start fighting for your life. At this point, there is NOTHING for you to do other than to start making different decisions for yourself. You have got to start taking care of yourself and dealing with that anger. I have no doubt there are all kinds of services in your community that would be able to offer assistance of some sort. Have you ever researched it? Bottom line is this….your house and money are replaceable, your life is not. If it means losing everything in order to disconnect from him, then that’s what is necessary if you are going to save your life. You are not heading down a good path right now and if you keep staying connected to this abuse and living with anger in your heart, the consequences will be MUCH bigger than losing your house and retirement. There are ways!!!! You have to commit to choosing something more for your life. Do you really want to live like this for another 20 years????
When you finally commit to letting go and creating a different design, you will be surprised by the kind of help that ends up crossing your path. You just haven’t looked yet. You have painted a picture as to how your life is going to turn out, so that’s how it is going to turn out. Choose a DIFFERENT life!!!! Create a new picture!! Starting looking for help, start looking for ways to heal, start choosing forgiveness!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Oh I hope you get that promotion!!! When do you find out??? That would be a wonderful boost of goodness into your life when things are more difficult. Keep us updated!!
I’m glad to hear you are getting results with new ways that you are communicating with your kids! That is awesome! You are teaching them by role modeling to them. They are lucky to have you!
Thank goodness for friends right??? I’m glad to know your focus is moving forward. Taking care of yourself, your children, the people that are in your life who value you and care about you….it’s a good choice.
Do you have any animals??
Heidi
I am so sorry Nichole. It sounds like he is quite the tortured soul. Bottom line is, he has to figure out a way to fight harder. He has to be willing to take the drugs, go to support groups, find a therapist….something to relieve himself of this torture. The thing is, when you live with it for so long, you develop quite a strong relationship with those feelings of depression and suicide ideation. So far, he hasn’t really wanted to kill himself. If he did, he would have done it. He still has SOMETHING in him that wants to live. Maybe you can send him a video of someone talking about how they pulled themselves out of that dark pit. He needs to see there is hope. He needs to see that other people have done it and it’s possible. He needs someone to identify with and can act as a role model. Maybe there are youtube videos? Articles? Maybe send him a link to a website???
The worst thing you could do is take responsibility for his life though. His life is not in YOUR hands. It’s in his. You want to support, but the moment you start to feel “responsible” for his life and his happiness and feeling responsible for pulling him out of his funk, you will be fighting a losing battle. He has a LOOOOONG road ahead of him. Hopefully he chooses the path of healing. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You can give him all the info in the world, the support, the encouragement etc. but you can’t make him decide to help himself.
How are you doing??
Heidi
Hi Dana!
This is so funny! Another post on here was a woman ALSO going “crazy” with emotions and having a very hard time, with her period happening right around this crazy wolf moon. It’s not fair is it??? We, as ladies, sure go through a lot. We have a lot more access to our emotions than most men. It’s a gift AND it’s a challenge as well.
I understand ALL that you want and I know you miss him. All those things you listed are so wonderful. There is one particular one I want to address first. “I want him to make me feel secure and confident that I am THE ONLY girl.” This statement goes along the theme that is based in an illusion. First, it is not his job to make you feel secure and confident. That is your job! When you put the power in HIS hands to make you feel better about yourself, that’s when you lose yourself and will ALWAYS be sadly disappointed. He is going to let you down, disappoint you, make decisions that hurt you….so when you give him that much power in your life, when he is being his human self and messing up, that means you are going to crumble because your identity is wrapped up in him. Second, you are not the only girl and he is not the only guy. There is no such thing. I don’t care how strong a connection is between a couple, there is ALWAYS the possibility that someone else comes along and there is a strong connection, there is something that happens etc. That’s life. It’s a rare couple where someone hasn’t been “tempted” at one point or another. The goal is, to say no when there is temptation and stay in alignment with your commitment.
You are looking for a place your heart can settle. I understand that. However, you are looking OUTSIDE of you instead of INSIDE of you. It’s is SO CRUCIAL that you develop your internal strength. That way, when the world around you is falling apart, you still have a solid sense of self, a trust in yourself, a knowing of your strength and value. This will not be the last time this happens to you. Moments like these will show up for the rest of your life! The more you rely on HIM to be a certain way so you can feel happy, safe and secure, the more you don’t do your own work and develop your self esteem on your own.
Spend this time right now focusing on YOU. What can you do to fill yourself up and make yourself connect to the truth about who you are, regardless of him responding to you or not. He actually doesn’t matter!!!! He is giving you such a GREAT gift by exposing the parts of you that are really insecure. Life is handing you a moment saying, “You want self esteem? How bad do you want self esteem? Are you really willing to do what it takes to have your self esteem grow?” You can either keep focusing your attention on him and the end result that you are trying to make happen, or you can focus on you and look at this as a phase where it’s time to go to the gym for your emotional health.
You are okay Dana. He does not define your happiness, you do. It’s time for you to really work on connecting to that truth. The only thing to “fix” here or “figure out” here, is NOT HIM….it’s you! And when you really commit to that path, you will discover he doesn’t matter….you know you are valuable and loveable with or without him.
Heidi
Hi Elza,
I agree that he most likely does have feelings for you. There is nothing wrong with continuing a friendship and maybe, at some point, he will be ready for something more. It is not unusual for a man of his age to want to sleep around and have his experiences. The 20’s is very much about developing yourself in the world. You get out of college and you start to figure out how you are going to express yourself in the world. Cravings for marriage and more serious relationships usually shows up closer to 30 when people are naturally wanting to start to build a family. These are, of course, societal and social generalizations. Bottom line is, his heart was broken not too long ago. I have no doubt he is still trying to figure out who he is separate than a woman. He is wanting to “feel” what being single is like. That’s a process and I’m glad he is being honest about his process, even though he still does have feelings for you.
The best thing you can do is to just continue to be friends and enjoy his company AND continue to live your life. Keep the door open for other guys to come along and catch your attention. Keep dating and keep living your life. If and when this guy ever feels ready for something more, you can decide at that point if you want to pursue something with him. Until then, it sounds like keeping what you guys have going right now is a good plan!!!
Heidi
Hi Nichole!
I find it interesting that he is talking suicide yet still going to work and still going to the doctor. Did he make another appointment to get the correct hormone testing? He is starting to take st. johns wort which is a great step?
How far did he get before with his attempted suicides? You said his friends stopped him both times. Was he found by friends or did his friends stop him before he tried???
How long has he been like this? Do you know what it’s connected to? Meaning, do you know his history with his family life or something that would lead him into this direction?
I don’t know what it’s like there, but here you can commit someone against their will. I don’t know if you would be able to report him somehow.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Wow…there is a lot happening here and my hear goes out to you!!!
Mike is really missing out on you. I’m sorry he is making the kind of choices he is. They will have troubles…guaranteed. Whether he decides to make it last or not doesn’t even matter.
What matters is for you to set some standards for yourself. Even if he did come back, major trust has been broken. Your relationship would not be the same. I imagine you would be functioning out of a lot of fear and would be doing everything you could to keep his attention vs. feeling balanced and authentic in your relationship. Even if he did come back, that doesn’t change what he is capable of. It doesn’t change that he could get up and walk out again if someone else catches his attention. You guys would need a lot of help to build up a new foundation so your relationship could function from a healthier place.
It is a rollercoaster ride trying to heal from something like this. Is there a coach, a therapist or someone who has experience that you could talk with on a weekly basis? There are days you feel so empowered and wonderful and like you are getting your life back and then there are days where you are falling down deep into depression, anger, resentment, desperation. It all ebbs and flows, but over time, the good times will last longer and longer and that’s how you know you are healing. When the hard times show up, it’s crucial to take real good care of yourself. Looking to him to make you feel better doesn’t help nor change anything. What kinds of things are you doing for yourself to get you through this time?
And sadly enough, I know so many women who don’t care that the guy they are dating is already taken. They have pretty low standards and huge amount of baggage they are carrying around to pick an unavailable man. Believe me….they WILL have some challenges!
Heidi
