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Hi Paula!
It sounds like this guy is really scared. It does seem that he is attracted to you, but there is another part of him that is terrified of starting something new and that you will want to marry him. My guess is, he doesn’t want to hurt you, so the safest way to not do that, is to not get involved in the first place.
Would you be willing to just take it a little slower? What if you stopped calling him and reaching out? Take a step back and give him the space to chase you. He might be interpreting your reaching out and initiating as “needy.” A lot of guys do that and it can scare them. So by taking a step back and not contacting him, it will give him the space to make some effort towards getting to know you. It’s important for him to feel a desire to connect with you and it’s important for you to feel him initiating connection with you.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Zihong,
Have you ALWAYS had a struggle with texting? Or has it been since your ex 13 years ago? I’m wondering how much of what you feel is part of your way of just keeping people out of your life. Your mother is your best friend. She is safe, she knows you and loves you unconditionally. People however, friends, guys you date are obviously not invested in you the same way your mother would be.
Relationships are a risk, friend or lover. It’s the reality of life. There are no guarantees. It’s important though, that you develop your inner strength and self esteem to feel okay taking those risks. I understand your need to accomplish all kinds of thing, but I am also wondering if that is your way of giving you permission to make excuses of why you “can’t” connect. Truth is, all those things you want to accomplish also involve people right? So no matter what you do or where you go, people are there and available for all kinds of wonderful experiences.
It also sounds like you are introverted, so there is a personality aspect here. I am introverted as well, but I make sure most of my social interactions honor the ways that I like to connect. I do not attend parties, but I do like small dinners where I can talk more one on one with people. I get annoyed with texting, so I actually use the app Marco Polo for a lot of my communication. It’s video messaging. Maybe you can find a different kind of app to communicate with that you enjoy better.
It’s important to know your limitations in relationship, which is sounds like you are really aware of. Are you willing to really work on those areas? Basically, you don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, you won’t trust anyone else. So why not start with that particular topic…learning to trust yourself. Do you have any awareness as to why you are not able to align with yourself in relationship? What is stopping you from leaving when you want to leave?
Heidi
Hi Lori,
It sounds like there might be some other personal issues, individually. Does he tend to hold grudges? It doesn’t sound like he forgives easily. Do you feel since that moment of you lying that things shifted quite a bit?
Have you guys ever tried couples counseling or really trying to work on the marriage? Do you guys talk about things or argue? Do you feel he has the ability to really work through things with you? There is a lot happening here and you guys need someone to help you navigate through the challenges you both face.
Maybe look at “The 7 Principles of Marriage” by John Gottman. He has BRILLIANT books, programs, workshops etc. for couples!!! Maybe you guys can start by going through the book together or attend a weekend workshop. I do know he certifies professionals, so you can look for a Gottman trained specialist.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
you can always be flirty and insinuate you want to see him soon. You can say something like, “I was walking down the street and all of a sudden there was a STRONG smell of pizza! It smelled soooo good! I haven’t had pizza in a few weeks and I almost went in, but wanted to savor my next piece of pizza with you!” and just leave it at that…it will give him the confidence that you were thinking about him and wanting to make plans with him, which can encourage him to set up the date.
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Thank you for all of the updates!!! It sounds like things are progressing slowly but surely. The description of him sitting with all the dogs on him sounds so delightful. It sounds like it was a really wonderful 45 minutes!
There are just a few things I want to caution you about.
First, you saying you have no expectations of him, all the while giving him a list of a few things you need from him in order to feel cared about…it’s quite contradictory. You DO have expectations of him. You want him to behave and treat you in a certain way. You expect to get back together. You expect him to become healthier.
You are also expecting that this all will be over at some point and your relationship will be ROCK SOLID. I want to encourage you to stay in the present and catch yourself when you start to build a fantasy around him. This process will never be over Renee. What you both are dealing with in your lives, is a forever path of healing, growth and expansion…which many times is painful and challenging, as you well know and are currently experiencing. If you guys get back together, which the path you are on, seems to be leading in that direction, it’s still going to take a conscious choice from both of you to keep making this work and it’s going to take a loooong time to build a new foundation. I’m not sure if I am making sense.
Essentially, the feeling of the last 2 posts has a vibe about it where there is more attachment to a certain end result and that’s where your attention is. I’m wondering if you are starting to lose some patience? I’m wondering if your system is starting to need more from him? This is such a slippery slope and I just want to make sure you really keep checking in with where you are at. You are absolutely 100% correct in that this is going to take a very long time for him to come around. You guys are doing such a good job with re-building through all of these new conversations and experiences with honesty and friendship. He still has quite a ways to go. If this takes another 5 years before he is willing to be in relationship with you again, how does that make you feel? Would you be willing to honor that?
Heidi
What I have learned to do, is write on Word and then copy and paste my responses so I never lose them. Just a little tip.
Hi Tracy,
I’m so sorry! As a moderator on this forum and having responded hundreds of times, this has happened to me as well. It’s always something I end up touching on my computer that doesn’t end up completing the action for some reason. I never know what I end up touching, so I can’t tell you what happened. Something went wrong obviously and I KNOW how frustrating that is!!!
Would you be willing to write out your response again???
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Depression is all about hopelessness and there, of course, are varying levels of it. Sometimes, with more simple depression, just validating the person and how they are feeling is helpful. Asking them more questions about it so they feel like you are interested in knowing about how they feel is helpful. Sometimes…that is enough.
If the depression is more chronic and more serious, medication may be needed. When someone is depressed long enough, the chemistry in the brain changes and that is when the medication is needed and professional help is needed.
Has he always been depressed? Is he depressed about life in general or are there certain topics he always talks about?
Heidi
Hi Elza!
Wonderful! I’m glad you are on line with this approach! A lot can happen in 8 months! I have no doubt he will appreciate your friendship and connection and then in September when you guys see each other again, you will have a much more solid foundation, trust will have been built and you guys can see what happens from there.
Remember, if you start to feel like you are getting pulled into wanting more from him, stop yourself!!! He will feel that energy from you and most likely will pull back. Stay flirty and have fun, but keep perspective here. Respect what he needs to do right now and still go live your life!
Please keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Dana,
First and foremost, be kind to yourself. The amount of judgment you have towards yourself is so HUGE, that there is no way for you to feel peaceful for who you are….AND that makes you also quite judgmental towards others as well.
The moment you say, “I am bad at this! What’s wrong with me???” type of thinking, that is an INSTANT cue that you need some love and attention and comfort. You are just human! You have triggers, just like the rest of us. You have limitations, just like the rest of us. BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!!!
I understand you are tired from helping everyone else. Reality is though, it defines you. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because that is how you define your value in this world. Imagine if people didn’t need you and you didn’t spend so much energy helping other people. Truth is, you wouldn’t know who you are. This is a gift and strength of yours no doubt, but our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. Your ability to love and comfort and care for others is hurting you. You are over functioning because of how bad you feel inside. So instead of directly facing yourself, your hurt, the wounds you have never healed, you try to feel better by helping everyone else out of your pain. This is all a subconscious design of course. For future reference, it’s good for you to know yourself this way. When you start to over function in the future, it can now be a good sign that you are ignoring your own needs. Make sense?
I too am a very strong person in general…AND I have areas where I am super fragile. Strength also means that you have the ability to be fragile! It’s not about NOT being fragile…it’s about having the strength to be real, value what shows up (even if it’s uncomfortable) and instead of judging, you embrace and get to know that part of you.
Here is an exercise for you to do. Go to the store and get some BIG paper and GIANT markers or crayons. Then sit down and have a conversation with yourself. Your dominant hand represents you, the adult. Your non dominant hand represents the wounded little girl part of you that is hurting and has been hurt. Have a conversation with her!!! Start with saying to her, “I see you. I feel you. I am so sorry you are hurting right now. Tell me what you want to say.” Then switch the crayon to your non dominant hand and just let it flow. No analyzing or filtering….just let that part of you say whatever she wants to say. Then switch the crayon back to your dominant hand and offer comfort, validation and say things like “It’s okay that he doesn’t love. I love you. I have you. I care about you and I will take care of you.” Keep having the conversation until you feel complete. Do that EVERY DAY!!!! You will be SHOCKED at what comes out!! It’s amazing and it’s all very healing! When you are having freak out moments, go write to her. This is the beginning of you starting to really connect to yourself and LOVE yourself through this difficult phase instead of judging yourself.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hello Hyman!
Thank you for joining us here on the forum! We love to hear how our program has helped you and that it worked well for you….at least for a bit. It sounds like the core issues in your marriage are what is preventing the both of you from connecting.
Have you ever read “A Man’s Guide to Women?” Have you ever studied John Gottman’s work? He actually has a new book coming out called “Essential Conversation for a Lifetime of Love. Eight Dates” https://www.gottman.com/ I love his work because it’s based on science. He has the longest study to date, where he asked the question, what makes a marriage work? The results were incredible and he still continues to release new information that he is still discovering in his studies of couples. Maybe his work can give you some new insight.
It sounds like you both have a tendency to hold onto things. Forgiveness is not easy for either of you, correct? Have you guys looked into your past, beyond the marriage?
When you say “All I need is love and I am on top of the world” yet your husband feels he can never make you happy…you both are actually making the same statement. I’m just going to be very blunt here. Your statement puts a TON of pressure on him. There is NOTHING simple and easy about that statement. Love is a very complicated, confusing, layered dynamic full of a gazillion emotions, perceptions, woundedness, misinterpretations etc. All any of us need is love, right? If it were so simple and easy, then why is the divorce rate over 50%. The truth is, all you need is SELF LOVE. When you are relying on your husband to be a certain way in order for you to be happy and feel fulfilled, you are looking in the wrong direction….you will ALWAYS be disappointed because he is human and is guaranteed to mess up. It starts with self love and learning to meet your own needs first and foremost before looking to another person to fix anything for you. You lack respect for him? Do you respect yourself? Deep down? I imagine you have a lot of judgment towards him. If this is true, that means you have a lot of judgment towards yourself. If you lived with resentment for a long time, that means you haven’t forgiven others and you haven’t forgiven yourself, therefore how could you forgive him? Resentment happens over years and years of letting things build up (and I’m sure it started way before you met your husband).
Do you follow where I am taking you? It sounds like you guys are working on your marriage and that is soooo great! Have you guys ever just worked individually on your deeper / personal issues that are affecting the marriage?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
First, the most important thing in this whole process is for you to be authentic. You don’t want to “spoil” things, but remember, you are loveable and worth knowing JUST AS YOU ARE….even in all of your humanness and limitations and mess-ups. Not wanting to “spoil” things means you are afraid of messing up or not doing or saying the “right” things. That’s an illusion. Even if you were “perfect” it does not guarantee ANYTHING in life. So first and foremost, it’s about you becoming comfortable and accepting your humanness and knowing that whether or not he chooses to stay connected, it doesn’t change your value.
Do you understand how your request above is coming from a place of fear and a lack of self love? I’d invite you to work on that aspect of this situation vs. trying to do and be everything “perfect” in efforts to keep him connected.
Heidi
Hi Ana,
For now, you don’t have to know anything for sure. For today, you guys are just enjoying each other and caring about each other in your own ways. There is still connection, there is still care, there is still friendship. For today, just let it all be that. Enjoy it and don’t try to make anything happen from it. Not yet. Just let it settle in this space for a bit. Let go of the facebook thing, let go of the past and imagine you are just building from here on out, your friendship, your connection, your care about each other. Over time, you guys will get new information about each other and you can go from there. But for today, it’s all good! Today is what matter. It’s time for you to heal and recover and just take things in stride. Tomorrow will be there when you wake up and you will deal with it when it arrives. Until then, appreciate what you do have and value that and find joy in it!!!
Heidi
Hi Rosemary,
You have painted quite a bleak picture of your future. I understand completely why you would feel all of those things and it all is certainly a possibility. There are other possibilities though. There are plenty of women and men in wheelchairs who have full, happy lives. They have found people along the way to help them. They have found ways to heal their hearts. They have found ways to forgive.
Of course you want to smash everything! You have a lot of anger in your heart and over time, that can be very dangerous! Before you know it, you are causing harm in some form or another because the anger has to go somewhere. That anger can even turn into cancer or something harmful for your own body. You have got to start fighting for your life. At this point, there is NOTHING for you to do other than to start making different decisions for yourself. You have got to start taking care of yourself and dealing with that anger. I have no doubt there are all kinds of services in your community that would be able to offer assistance of some sort. Have you ever researched it? Bottom line is this….your house and money are replaceable, your life is not. If it means losing everything in order to disconnect from him, then that’s what is necessary if you are going to save your life. You are not heading down a good path right now and if you keep staying connected to this abuse and living with anger in your heart, the consequences will be MUCH bigger than losing your house and retirement. There are ways!!!! You have to commit to choosing something more for your life. Do you really want to live like this for another 20 years????
When you finally commit to letting go and creating a different design, you will be surprised by the kind of help that ends up crossing your path. You just haven’t looked yet. You have painted a picture as to how your life is going to turn out, so that’s how it is going to turn out. Choose a DIFFERENT life!!!! Create a new picture!! Starting looking for help, start looking for ways to heal, start choosing forgiveness!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Oh I hope you get that promotion!!! When do you find out??? That would be a wonderful boost of goodness into your life when things are more difficult. Keep us updated!!
I’m glad to hear you are getting results with new ways that you are communicating with your kids! That is awesome! You are teaching them by role modeling to them. They are lucky to have you!
Thank goodness for friends right??? I’m glad to know your focus is moving forward. Taking care of yourself, your children, the people that are in your life who value you and care about you….it’s a good choice.
Do you have any animals??
Heidi
