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Hi Zihong,
Thank you for your response. I understand how texting can be very time consuming. It is not the best way to get to know someone, BUT it can still be a useful tool to send short messages. If you don’t want to be bothered, why not put your phone on in airplane mode when you need some alone time? Then when you are ready to connect, you can check your phone. And…it’s an easy thing to say to someone (I have said this many times) I’m tired of texting. Let’s just talk or meet up tomorrow. You can set some boundaries around what you feel comfortable with. Many people don’t like the phone, including myself. I HATE talking on the phone. But Marco Polo has been this wonderful middle ground for me. I can say sooooo much in 1-2 minutes that I would never text. It allows me to watch their returned messages at a time when I feel like it and I get to see their faces. Maybe you can do voice messages? There is a way through the text app where you can record your voice vs. texting and they get that voice message through the texting app. That could also be another solution for you.
In regards to trusting yourself: “I trust myself, but I am not very confident.” This statement is contradictory. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. When you trust yourself you are confident. Maybe look at it this way. When you trust someone else, you have confidence in them right? You confidence in the relationship. You have confidence that they are going to support you, treat you well etc. It’s the same thing with yourself. A lack of confidence exists partly because there is no trust. Also, when you don’t trust yourself, a lot of fear and anxiety shows up. “I have not really opened my heart or loved anyone for many years because I am also afraid of getting involved with the wrong person and being in a relationship miserably.” You are saying in this statement that you don’t trust yourself to pick a good guy AND you don’t trust yourself to get out of a relationship when you are miserable. You think you are trapped.
Self trust is a belief like this: “I trust myself that no matter what happens in my life, I will be okay. No matter what that guy decides to do, I will be okay. I am strong, resilient and I KNOW that I will figure out how to get back up on my feet when I get knocked down.”
The mistake most people make is they put their trust in other people. Other people will ALWAYS let you down. They will break trust. It’s just human. Therefore, it’s important for us to have trust in ourselves that WHEN the other person makes a mistake and breaks trust or hurts us, we have the ability to get through it because we know how to be resilient.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
I’m glad you reached out to my referral and I’m glad to know you learned a lot! That makes me happy!
I’m also glad to hear you are starting EMDR again with your therapist. I think it will help take some of the edge off for you.
You are very clear about what you want and the direction you are heading with him. You guys are functioning on a more healthy authentic level and that is all that matters right now. I think you are right that taking this time “apart” allows for both of you to work on the deeper stuff and have some space to recover without being on top of each other like you would be in a “committed” relationship. I think what you guys are doing is working really, really well! It sounds like you are at peace. It also seems like your mind is having to do a lot of managing / analyzing to feel good about the situation. This is where I think the EMDR will be able to help quite a bit.
Keep us updated on your progress!
I am suuuuuper excited about your Cali trip! Woooohooo! I can’t wait to hear about it! I haven’t seen either of them live, but I have now doubt it will be spectacular for you. You are going to be very well nourished there and just being in the energy of hundreds of like-minded individuals is pretty spectacular!
Heidi
Hi Edwina,
Wow…I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I’m wondering what is keeping you tied to him. He really is sending you quite a bit of mixed messages and using you. He doesn’t want you to see anyone else, yet he does and will. He just wants sex and occasional talking and connecting when HE feels like it. I’m wondering where you exist in this picture. Where are YOUR feelings being considered?? I don’t see you fighting for your needs, but I see him fighting for all of his needs.
I’m not sure getting him back is healthy for you right now. Reality is, he doesn’t want to offer you what you need. He is clear he is not ready, yet he will still use you for what he needs and wants. This can’t feel good for you!
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
Tell us what shifted. You said you used to be happy. Then what happened?
Also, bottom line, if someone is being verbally abusive, it’s time to let go and no longer participate in that design. That is not love. It’s a very perverted version of love that isn’t healthy. Have you tried to set boundaries? What is stopping you from leaving? I know you used to be happy with him, but that is in the past. You have to face today. You need to make decisions based on the PRESENT moment and not what used to be. Do you think he is willing to work on the relationship and improve?
Heidi
Hi Paula,
I’m glad you guys were able to connect and that is was a good conversation. Just because he didn’t seem like he was scared doesn’t mean he wasn’t or isn’t. Many of our fears are subconscious and get exposed through our behavior. Just keep going slow and let him take the lead on things. It’s important for you to know he really is interested. If you keep making all the effort and initiating first, you don’t really know how he feels. You are leading when you do that. Keep letting him lead you and decide on the pace of things.Yes, horoscopes can give some good insight into a relationship and the type of person you are dealing with HOWEVER…those horoscopes that are general descriptions of a person or a day are VERY GENERIC. I always suggest that if you want to look into your horoscope and the astrology of the relationship, you need to hire a professional who knows how to give you the in depth detail of the dynamics. There are so many other factors as well, besides horoscopes.
Heidi
Hi Rosemary!
Thanks for joining us!
I’m not sure I understand your situation. You have a friend and you and his grandson have interest in each other? And you are asking if you should pursue this and tell your friend? IS that correct?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
At the very least, he is asking you out and showing interest and taking the initiative….that must feel good for you, especially after this last guy who sent a ton of mixed messages.
How are you feeling? Do you find your attention still goes to the other guy at all, or are you feeling like it feels complete for you?
Thanks for all the updates! We love them!
Heidi
Heidi
Thank you for all of the examples!! That makes a lot more sense once you described it more!
I asked if you were losing patience because of 2 statements that you made: “Pretty soon I’m going to have to learn the things I need to do to reel in the big fish!!! LOL” combined with: “WHEN this all works out, our relationship is going to be ROCK SOLID!!! It’s tough, but maybe a blessing in disguise!” It’s future talk. It’s fantasizing and taking you out of the moment. It’s an incredibly difficult thing NOT to do. I haven’t noticed you talking like that recently. You’ve been much more present in your description about your situation, so when you said these things, it caught my attention and thought it was worth mentioning. But of course you can’t explain everything, so I may be misunderstanding what you are saying about this as well.
It’s good to know he is starting EMDR again. It’s so great you have an understanding of how it works and that, many times, it’s worse before it gets better. I can’t remember where you are at with your process. Are you seeing a therapist now? Are you doing EMDR as well? It might really help YOU to have some accountability for your deeper triggers as he goes through his at the same time. I think I remember you said you have a therapist now, but I honestly can’t remember.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I understand your frustrations! No one is telling you to let it go. It’s more about looking at yourself and working on yourself FIRST before you can get him back. If you go “bat crazy” on him, you can’t expect him to feel emotionally safe with you. And if he is “avoidant” style, it’s crucial for you to really figure out how to better communicate with him so you don’t cause damage.
You want him back, yet you don’t have the skillset to treat him properly when you get hurt. So let’s just start with that. What happened that caused you to go “bat crazy” on him? What did you do or say that would make him completely pull away? And lastly, how to you plan to make sure you handle situations differently in the future??
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
You sound quite confused. How long have you been dating? Has he always had this behavior? How old are the both of you?
The more details you can offer, the easier it will be for us to give you some ideas of how to approach the situation. It sounds like you don’t trust him. Has he cheated on you before? Is this the only aspect you don’t feel comfortable with? Are you happy in the relationship?
Heidi
Hi Paula!
It sounds like this guy is really scared. It does seem that he is attracted to you, but there is another part of him that is terrified of starting something new and that you will want to marry him. My guess is, he doesn’t want to hurt you, so the safest way to not do that, is to not get involved in the first place.
Would you be willing to just take it a little slower? What if you stopped calling him and reaching out? Take a step back and give him the space to chase you. He might be interpreting your reaching out and initiating as “needy.” A lot of guys do that and it can scare them. So by taking a step back and not contacting him, it will give him the space to make some effort towards getting to know you. It’s important for him to feel a desire to connect with you and it’s important for you to feel him initiating connection with you.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Zihong,
Have you ALWAYS had a struggle with texting? Or has it been since your ex 13 years ago? I’m wondering how much of what you feel is part of your way of just keeping people out of your life. Your mother is your best friend. She is safe, she knows you and loves you unconditionally. People however, friends, guys you date are obviously not invested in you the same way your mother would be.
Relationships are a risk, friend or lover. It’s the reality of life. There are no guarantees. It’s important though, that you develop your inner strength and self esteem to feel okay taking those risks. I understand your need to accomplish all kinds of thing, but I am also wondering if that is your way of giving you permission to make excuses of why you “can’t” connect. Truth is, all those things you want to accomplish also involve people right? So no matter what you do or where you go, people are there and available for all kinds of wonderful experiences.
It also sounds like you are introverted, so there is a personality aspect here. I am introverted as well, but I make sure most of my social interactions honor the ways that I like to connect. I do not attend parties, but I do like small dinners where I can talk more one on one with people. I get annoyed with texting, so I actually use the app Marco Polo for a lot of my communication. It’s video messaging. Maybe you can find a different kind of app to communicate with that you enjoy better.
It’s important to know your limitations in relationship, which is sounds like you are really aware of. Are you willing to really work on those areas? Basically, you don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, you won’t trust anyone else. So why not start with that particular topic…learning to trust yourself. Do you have any awareness as to why you are not able to align with yourself in relationship? What is stopping you from leaving when you want to leave?
Heidi
Hi Lori,
It sounds like there might be some other personal issues, individually. Does he tend to hold grudges? It doesn’t sound like he forgives easily. Do you feel since that moment of you lying that things shifted quite a bit?
Have you guys ever tried couples counseling or really trying to work on the marriage? Do you guys talk about things or argue? Do you feel he has the ability to really work through things with you? There is a lot happening here and you guys need someone to help you navigate through the challenges you both face.
Maybe look at “The 7 Principles of Marriage” by John Gottman. He has BRILLIANT books, programs, workshops etc. for couples!!! Maybe you guys can start by going through the book together or attend a weekend workshop. I do know he certifies professionals, so you can look for a Gottman trained specialist.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
you can always be flirty and insinuate you want to see him soon. You can say something like, “I was walking down the street and all of a sudden there was a STRONG smell of pizza! It smelled soooo good! I haven’t had pizza in a few weeks and I almost went in, but wanted to savor my next piece of pizza with you!” and just leave it at that…it will give him the confidence that you were thinking about him and wanting to make plans with him, which can encourage him to set up the date.
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Thank you for all of the updates!!! It sounds like things are progressing slowly but surely. The description of him sitting with all the dogs on him sounds so delightful. It sounds like it was a really wonderful 45 minutes!
There are just a few things I want to caution you about.
First, you saying you have no expectations of him, all the while giving him a list of a few things you need from him in order to feel cared about…it’s quite contradictory. You DO have expectations of him. You want him to behave and treat you in a certain way. You expect to get back together. You expect him to become healthier.
You are also expecting that this all will be over at some point and your relationship will be ROCK SOLID. I want to encourage you to stay in the present and catch yourself when you start to build a fantasy around him. This process will never be over Renee. What you both are dealing with in your lives, is a forever path of healing, growth and expansion…which many times is painful and challenging, as you well know and are currently experiencing. If you guys get back together, which the path you are on, seems to be leading in that direction, it’s still going to take a conscious choice from both of you to keep making this work and it’s going to take a loooong time to build a new foundation. I’m not sure if I am making sense.
Essentially, the feeling of the last 2 posts has a vibe about it where there is more attachment to a certain end result and that’s where your attention is. I’m wondering if you are starting to lose some patience? I’m wondering if your system is starting to need more from him? This is such a slippery slope and I just want to make sure you really keep checking in with where you are at. You are absolutely 100% correct in that this is going to take a very long time for him to come around. You guys are doing such a good job with re-building through all of these new conversations and experiences with honesty and friendship. He still has quite a ways to go. If this takes another 5 years before he is willing to be in relationship with you again, how does that make you feel? Would you be willing to honor that?
Heidi
