Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Oh Goodness!!!
Make sure you get to a chiropractor or someone when you get back. Slipping and landing on your tailbone like that can throw your hips off pretty bad. Many times people don’t notice until a week later and they start getting headaches, their back hurts etc. Your best bet is to take care of it right away!
I’m glad you are having so much fun! That’s spectacular! And again…don’t give those guys too much thought. Remember you are away on holiday. Sometimes people don’t reach out as much when they know someone is on vacation. I have a tendency to back off quite a bit when a guy I am dating in on vacation. I don’t want to disturb him. I let him reach out whenever he feels like.
Either way….once you return home and thing get back to normal, you can see what each guy is doing and how they are responding to you. Until then….work on not judging or putting any meaning on what each guy is doing….just notice.
heidi
Hi Bernice!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your frustrations. I’m sorry to say, but your challenges are pretty normal. Now that dating has mostly gone online, it’s changed the dynamics of how things work now. There are a lot of great things about it AND a lot of challenges, tears shed, heartache and mistreatment.
The first thing I want to address, is the moment you put an age limit or a time you want to be married or fall in love, you are changing the dynamic of your approach. For example….I had a friend that had this very strong driving force that she had to be married by the time she was 30. And you know what? She made it happen. She found a guy and when I stood next to her at her wedding, I had no doubt the marriage would crumble in a few years…and I was right. Her drive to get married by 30 caused her to choose a guy who was NOT a good match.
So what about letting go of the age 40 and just let life take it’s course? Is that something you are willing to do?
I’m also wondering what is so bad if you are still single at 40? What does that mean to you?
If you would like us to help you with your dating profile, you can post it here and we can give you feedback. A lot of times, your presentation can attract a specific kind of guy. I have experimented with this A LOT! The past few times I went online, I met some AMAZING guys! They were such good people! It wasn’t a match, but I had a lot of fun!
I have a lot more questions for you, but let’s just start with these….
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
So let’s deal with that fear. You said that the fear you had of losing him was so big, that it caused you to miss all kinds of things. How are you going to deal with that fear? That fear is still going to be there and cloud your vision again and again and again, until you deal with it. Truth is, if he ever comes back, he isn’t going to want to be in the same relationship with you. Things need to change. Your fear needs to change. When there is a fear of losing him, you will do everything you can to control the situation…and you can energetically suffocate someone that way…which maybe is how he felt. Now that you have lost him and your fear has come true, even if he comes back, your fear will get even bigger, because it came true.
So…how are you going to deal with your fear? Why is this a fear in the first place?
When you really face fear and start to help it lessen little bits at a time, you will become more confident in yourself and men LOVE a confident woman. It will make you much more attractive to him!
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
This must be really hard for you.
Just a few questions….is this typical for him? Does he tend to blame things on other people a lot? He hasn’t forgiven if he is still bringing up the things you have done to mess up.
Someone who is like this, is VERY difficult to be in relationship with. They are always living in the past, therefore there is no ability to be present and move forward. You can’t build a relationship that way. If he is not willing to let go and truly forgive, then I suggest you really look at the kind of relationship you want with him. If you want him back and want to keep fighting for him, it’s important for you to know that he will always be like this. He will always blame you for things not going “right” or for how he is feeling. Is that something that is okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
I think it’s very important to get clear about what you want. As long as you are confused and not sure, there will be confusion in any communication you have with him.
What exactly do you want from him? You guys were already committed and he has cheated. Has he apologized? Has he said it’s over with the other woman? I his communication with you, is he trying to get you back?
Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what HE wants. He has already proven to you that he will break his integrity. What do YOU want now? What specifically do you need him to do?
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
I’m so sorry for what you are having to deal with. He sounds very confused, therefore you are confused.
So this pattern started after telling him what happened to you? What his upset about WHAT happened or was his upset about the fact that you hadn’t told him yet and he felt lied to?
Regardless, it sounds like he is having trouble just accepting you for who you are. You are going to have moments of mess-ups, but if he is going to pull away every time you do something “stupid” then he has no business being in a relationship at all.
Can you shed more insight into this? It sounds like you guys have talked a lot. What is he saying to you about why he is so confused?
Heidi
I wouldn’t invest much thought into him going on the app still. It’s normal. From his perspective, I’m sure he has had a TON of experience of women ghosting, things going well and fizzling out, women not being who they say they are etc. Dating online is difficult. So of course he is keeping his options open. He doesn’t know you. I’m sure he has hopes, but that is about as far as he can invest until you guys meet up and connect and start to see if you actually like each other. Until then, most people just keep dating. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. There is nothing “wrong” with that approach or disrespectful. What is sounds like, is that just doesn’t align with how you function and so that makes it uncomfortable for you.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Tracy,
Would you mind sharing what EXACTLY you are wanting to implement? What have you missed or failed at? And what are you starting to do to shift that so you don’t miss it again?
I understand how you feel about him. I have had a VERY LONG dating career and a loooong list of experiences over the years. There are however, 3 different guys who have had this impact in me. There was just this effortless connection. I felt about them like no other. I have researched quite a bit to understand what that is and what that means and why they were different.
I just want you to consider something for a second. Just because you have these very strong feelings, doesn’t mean it’s a good match. For example, 1 of those 3 guys is in my life currently. Every single time our paths cross (we run into each other a lot) over the past 3 years, it is INSTANTLY electric. I feel things that I haven’t felt in over a decade and it knocks me off my center for sure. It happens to both of us. However, I know enough about him to know that if we were ever to be together, it wouldn’t work. Could I love him? ABSOLUTELY in a split second…would we be good together? I have no doubt that when things would be good, they would be incredible. We would have a lot of spark and passion together. BUT…we easily have the potential for things to go south in a harmful way to each other. I see it, I can feel it and therefore I am not going to give this unbelievable connection we have, any life. We, as people, think that just because we feel a connection and chemistry and love, means that we need to give it energy. It’s so easy to lose touch with what REALITY is, because we would rather feel the love than say no to it. I’ve done that many times as well. It takes great strength to say no to a connection like you have with him. I’m not saying that is what you need to do. All I am inviting you to do, is to look BEYOND the connection….look past the love….and look at how you both function together. Is it healthy? Do you treat each other well? Even when there is an argument, is there respect and kindness? Is there good communication? These are the foundation of a healthy relationship that can last. Without these things, the most powerful connection has no foundation to stand on and it will crumble.
So….if you were to look past the love, and just look at how you 2 function together, tell us about that.
Heidi
OOOOkay! Got it! That makes a lot more sense now. So it doesn’t sound like that is something you need to pay attention to. He did a very polite thing and really considered YOU in the equation. That’s nice!
HI Paula,
I’m sorry to hear this. What you do about it, is up to you. For me personally, if I am deciding to let someone into the depths of my heart, if there is another woman that comes along and catches his attention, then to me, he is not ready to go where I want to go with him. In order to get into my heart, the guy MUST have no doubt, no reservations, no hesitation whatsoever about joining me on that journey. If he does, he doesn’t get to go there with me.
So being that this guy has to make a “decision” tells me he is in a place of not knowing what he really wants and he is confused. What do YOU want?? That is the more important question. By sitting by and letting him “decide” which woman he wants to be with, you are giving away your power to him. So keep the power in your own hands and YOU decide what you want. So what do you want EXACTLY with this guy?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Okay…I get it. The way I understood it, it was that he was ordering food FOR you and not asking what you wanted etc. So I’m curious then…what was your internal reaction about. You mentioned that as something that bothered you a little bit. What exactly bothered you about him ordering food for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
I’m glad you had a good evening with this new guy. So one of the things I teach when you are starting to get to know someone is to start to pay attention to those little “caution flags” that you notice. Here is a simple guideline to follow. Once is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when I notice something that makes me uncomfortable, I store it in my mind and just pay attention to see if it’s a pattern, see if I am over-reacting and then make decisions from that place. It allows me to be completely aware of who I am dealing with vs. being taken by surprise. So this guy ordering food for you, the other guy just randomly inviting you to “join him” are little things that you need to take stock of. Do they mean anything deeper? You don’t know that yet. If it happens again, then you need to notice more. If it happens 3x, then it’s definitely a strong pattern and something you need to know will be a part of their personality and interaction with you. Once you gather more information, then you can decide from there how to handle it.
Just some little dating tidbits….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This guy is being kind weird too! Or maybe…I should just say clueless. That is not unusual for a the male population….lol. Us ladies need to have compassion and patience a lot of times when it comes to dating. The men just aren’t designed the way we are when it comes to “connection” and relationship. They are brilliant in other ways, but in this department, many of them just need a little extra help….lol.
He needs to step up either way. He doesn’t get to have you so easily. He needs to formally invite you out and treat it like a proper date and nothing less than that!!!
Heidi
Hi Hyman,
I’m glad to hear you guys are working through a lot of your challenges with professional help. It’s quite the journey isn’t it??
Yes, when something bothers someone, there is ALWAYS a root cause, usually stemming from past experiences. I’m talking arguments and hurt etc. that get activated in relationship. Your feelings about language is a judgement. You lose respect for your husband because you have a judgment about profanity. You lose respect for someone without “manners” because you have a judgment about it. That issue is within you correct? There are millions of people who would disagree with you, including your husband right? And there are plenty of people who would agree with you. Truth is, it’s not a matter of right or wrong here. It’s a matter of preference. And that’s where we have to be careful in relationship. Once the energy of judgment enters a situation, you are making him wrong and you right and that simply is not true. It’s not that you need to change your perspective, it’s more about changing the judgment you have around it…and that can be shifted. When the judgment goes away, there is no “losing respect”….it just simply is something you don’t like but that’s where it stops. The judgment is what puts a wall up between you and him. Make sense?
Does this make sense? One tool I like to use is the SUD Scale (subjective units of distress). It’s a scale of 1-10 (1 being barely and 10 being the worst). When something bothers me, I rate my reaction. So when your husband uses profanity, rate it on that scale. My guess is, you are over a 5. The higher the number, the more intense the emotional reaction is. My goal is to ALWAYS get myself down to a zero. That is MY responsibility. The higher the number, the bigger the trigger it is which leads me into my past. Whenever I get triggered over a 5, I KNOW that the current situation is just triggering some wounds / beliefs etc. that need to be dealt with and released.
I view my emotions like a treasure hunt. Being that most of our feelings, emotions, thoughts and beliefs are coming from a subconscious place (we operate from about 80% of our subconscious), my emotions and reactions to my life around me, is the treasure map. They are the “clues” to the “treasure” and the treasure is the wound / belief I have been holding onto that is limiting my ability to love myself and others in my life. Once I find that treasure, the source, then I can work with it and release it, which gives me the greatest gift in the world…more ability to love myself and others….less judgment, more joy, more peace, more flow and ease in my life…one less trigger.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
I’m wondering why you are reading a book that is causing you anxiety again???? These small little things matter! I don’t care who the book is written by, you are working so hard to stay centered, grounded and in the present moment. If something is causing you to get disconnected from that, then STOP! Let it go. The book is not a good thing for you at this moment. Maybe later on, but not right now. You have plenty of other information at your fingertips that keep you mind and heart at peace. That is the most important thing right now for you to stay focused on. You have a therapist you trust that can keep you grounded in the truth and heading in a good direction. Trust all of that and maybe give that book to someone else.
It’s too bad you don’t have someone to go with to Brene Brown. However, I have found that when I go alone, I meet soooooo many more people. My guess is, that is what is meant to be! You are absolutely going to heal through osmosis!!! I can’t wait to hear everything!
Keep us updated along the way if you can!
Safe travels!!!
Heidi
