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Hi Emilie,
Okay…I get it. The way I understood it, it was that he was ordering food FOR you and not asking what you wanted etc. So I’m curious then…what was your internal reaction about. You mentioned that as something that bothered you a little bit. What exactly bothered you about him ordering food for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
I’m glad you had a good evening with this new guy. So one of the things I teach when you are starting to get to know someone is to start to pay attention to those little “caution flags” that you notice. Here is a simple guideline to follow. Once is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when I notice something that makes me uncomfortable, I store it in my mind and just pay attention to see if it’s a pattern, see if I am over-reacting and then make decisions from that place. It allows me to be completely aware of who I am dealing with vs. being taken by surprise. So this guy ordering food for you, the other guy just randomly inviting you to “join him” are little things that you need to take stock of. Do they mean anything deeper? You don’t know that yet. If it happens again, then you need to notice more. If it happens 3x, then it’s definitely a strong pattern and something you need to know will be a part of their personality and interaction with you. Once you gather more information, then you can decide from there how to handle it.
Just some little dating tidbits….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This guy is being kind weird too! Or maybe…I should just say clueless. That is not unusual for a the male population….lol. Us ladies need to have compassion and patience a lot of times when it comes to dating. The men just aren’t designed the way we are when it comes to “connection” and relationship. They are brilliant in other ways, but in this department, many of them just need a little extra help….lol.
He needs to step up either way. He doesn’t get to have you so easily. He needs to formally invite you out and treat it like a proper date and nothing less than that!!!
Heidi
Hi Hyman,
I’m glad to hear you guys are working through a lot of your challenges with professional help. It’s quite the journey isn’t it??
Yes, when something bothers someone, there is ALWAYS a root cause, usually stemming from past experiences. I’m talking arguments and hurt etc. that get activated in relationship. Your feelings about language is a judgement. You lose respect for your husband because you have a judgment about profanity. You lose respect for someone without “manners” because you have a judgment about it. That issue is within you correct? There are millions of people who would disagree with you, including your husband right? And there are plenty of people who would agree with you. Truth is, it’s not a matter of right or wrong here. It’s a matter of preference. And that’s where we have to be careful in relationship. Once the energy of judgment enters a situation, you are making him wrong and you right and that simply is not true. It’s not that you need to change your perspective, it’s more about changing the judgment you have around it…and that can be shifted. When the judgment goes away, there is no “losing respect”….it just simply is something you don’t like but that’s where it stops. The judgment is what puts a wall up between you and him. Make sense?
Does this make sense? One tool I like to use is the SUD Scale (subjective units of distress). It’s a scale of 1-10 (1 being barely and 10 being the worst). When something bothers me, I rate my reaction. So when your husband uses profanity, rate it on that scale. My guess is, you are over a 5. The higher the number, the more intense the emotional reaction is. My goal is to ALWAYS get myself down to a zero. That is MY responsibility. The higher the number, the bigger the trigger it is which leads me into my past. Whenever I get triggered over a 5, I KNOW that the current situation is just triggering some wounds / beliefs etc. that need to be dealt with and released.
I view my emotions like a treasure hunt. Being that most of our feelings, emotions, thoughts and beliefs are coming from a subconscious place (we operate from about 80% of our subconscious), my emotions and reactions to my life around me, is the treasure map. They are the “clues” to the “treasure” and the treasure is the wound / belief I have been holding onto that is limiting my ability to love myself and others in my life. Once I find that treasure, the source, then I can work with it and release it, which gives me the greatest gift in the world…more ability to love myself and others….less judgment, more joy, more peace, more flow and ease in my life…one less trigger.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
I’m wondering why you are reading a book that is causing you anxiety again???? These small little things matter! I don’t care who the book is written by, you are working so hard to stay centered, grounded and in the present moment. If something is causing you to get disconnected from that, then STOP! Let it go. The book is not a good thing for you at this moment. Maybe later on, but not right now. You have plenty of other information at your fingertips that keep you mind and heart at peace. That is the most important thing right now for you to stay focused on. You have a therapist you trust that can keep you grounded in the truth and heading in a good direction. Trust all of that and maybe give that book to someone else.
It’s too bad you don’t have someone to go with to Brene Brown. However, I have found that when I go alone, I meet soooooo many more people. My guess is, that is what is meant to be! You are absolutely going to heal through osmosis!!! I can’t wait to hear everything!
Keep us updated along the way if you can!
Safe travels!!!
Heidi
Hi Zihong,
Thank you for your response. I understand how texting can be very time consuming. It is not the best way to get to know someone, BUT it can still be a useful tool to send short messages. If you don’t want to be bothered, why not put your phone on in airplane mode when you need some alone time? Then when you are ready to connect, you can check your phone. And…it’s an easy thing to say to someone (I have said this many times) I’m tired of texting. Let’s just talk or meet up tomorrow. You can set some boundaries around what you feel comfortable with. Many people don’t like the phone, including myself. I HATE talking on the phone. But Marco Polo has been this wonderful middle ground for me. I can say sooooo much in 1-2 minutes that I would never text. It allows me to watch their returned messages at a time when I feel like it and I get to see their faces. Maybe you can do voice messages? There is a way through the text app where you can record your voice vs. texting and they get that voice message through the texting app. That could also be another solution for you.
In regards to trusting yourself: “I trust myself, but I am not very confident.” This statement is contradictory. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. When you trust yourself you are confident. Maybe look at it this way. When you trust someone else, you have confidence in them right? You confidence in the relationship. You have confidence that they are going to support you, treat you well etc. It’s the same thing with yourself. A lack of confidence exists partly because there is no trust. Also, when you don’t trust yourself, a lot of fear and anxiety shows up. “I have not really opened my heart or loved anyone for many years because I am also afraid of getting involved with the wrong person and being in a relationship miserably.” You are saying in this statement that you don’t trust yourself to pick a good guy AND you don’t trust yourself to get out of a relationship when you are miserable. You think you are trapped.
Self trust is a belief like this: “I trust myself that no matter what happens in my life, I will be okay. No matter what that guy decides to do, I will be okay. I am strong, resilient and I KNOW that I will figure out how to get back up on my feet when I get knocked down.”
The mistake most people make is they put their trust in other people. Other people will ALWAYS let you down. They will break trust. It’s just human. Therefore, it’s important for us to have trust in ourselves that WHEN the other person makes a mistake and breaks trust or hurts us, we have the ability to get through it because we know how to be resilient.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
I’m glad you reached out to my referral and I’m glad to know you learned a lot! That makes me happy!
I’m also glad to hear you are starting EMDR again with your therapist. I think it will help take some of the edge off for you.
You are very clear about what you want and the direction you are heading with him. You guys are functioning on a more healthy authentic level and that is all that matters right now. I think you are right that taking this time “apart” allows for both of you to work on the deeper stuff and have some space to recover without being on top of each other like you would be in a “committed” relationship. I think what you guys are doing is working really, really well! It sounds like you are at peace. It also seems like your mind is having to do a lot of managing / analyzing to feel good about the situation. This is where I think the EMDR will be able to help quite a bit.
Keep us updated on your progress!
I am suuuuuper excited about your Cali trip! Woooohooo! I can’t wait to hear about it! I haven’t seen either of them live, but I have now doubt it will be spectacular for you. You are going to be very well nourished there and just being in the energy of hundreds of like-minded individuals is pretty spectacular!
Heidi
Hi Edwina,
Wow…I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I’m wondering what is keeping you tied to him. He really is sending you quite a bit of mixed messages and using you. He doesn’t want you to see anyone else, yet he does and will. He just wants sex and occasional talking and connecting when HE feels like it. I’m wondering where you exist in this picture. Where are YOUR feelings being considered?? I don’t see you fighting for your needs, but I see him fighting for all of his needs.
I’m not sure getting him back is healthy for you right now. Reality is, he doesn’t want to offer you what you need. He is clear he is not ready, yet he will still use you for what he needs and wants. This can’t feel good for you!
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
Tell us what shifted. You said you used to be happy. Then what happened?
Also, bottom line, if someone is being verbally abusive, it’s time to let go and no longer participate in that design. That is not love. It’s a very perverted version of love that isn’t healthy. Have you tried to set boundaries? What is stopping you from leaving? I know you used to be happy with him, but that is in the past. You have to face today. You need to make decisions based on the PRESENT moment and not what used to be. Do you think he is willing to work on the relationship and improve?
Heidi
Hi Paula,
I’m glad you guys were able to connect and that is was a good conversation. Just because he didn’t seem like he was scared doesn’t mean he wasn’t or isn’t. Many of our fears are subconscious and get exposed through our behavior. Just keep going slow and let him take the lead on things. It’s important for you to know he really is interested. If you keep making all the effort and initiating first, you don’t really know how he feels. You are leading when you do that. Keep letting him lead you and decide on the pace of things.Yes, horoscopes can give some good insight into a relationship and the type of person you are dealing with HOWEVER…those horoscopes that are general descriptions of a person or a day are VERY GENERIC. I always suggest that if you want to look into your horoscope and the astrology of the relationship, you need to hire a professional who knows how to give you the in depth detail of the dynamics. There are so many other factors as well, besides horoscopes.
Heidi
Hi Rosemary!
Thanks for joining us!
I’m not sure I understand your situation. You have a friend and you and his grandson have interest in each other? And you are asking if you should pursue this and tell your friend? IS that correct?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
At the very least, he is asking you out and showing interest and taking the initiative….that must feel good for you, especially after this last guy who sent a ton of mixed messages.
How are you feeling? Do you find your attention still goes to the other guy at all, or are you feeling like it feels complete for you?
Thanks for all the updates! We love them!
Heidi
Heidi
Thank you for all of the examples!! That makes a lot more sense once you described it more!
I asked if you were losing patience because of 2 statements that you made: “Pretty soon I’m going to have to learn the things I need to do to reel in the big fish!!! LOL” combined with: “WHEN this all works out, our relationship is going to be ROCK SOLID!!! It’s tough, but maybe a blessing in disguise!” It’s future talk. It’s fantasizing and taking you out of the moment. It’s an incredibly difficult thing NOT to do. I haven’t noticed you talking like that recently. You’ve been much more present in your description about your situation, so when you said these things, it caught my attention and thought it was worth mentioning. But of course you can’t explain everything, so I may be misunderstanding what you are saying about this as well.
It’s good to know he is starting EMDR again. It’s so great you have an understanding of how it works and that, many times, it’s worse before it gets better. I can’t remember where you are at with your process. Are you seeing a therapist now? Are you doing EMDR as well? It might really help YOU to have some accountability for your deeper triggers as he goes through his at the same time. I think I remember you said you have a therapist now, but I honestly can’t remember.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I understand your frustrations! No one is telling you to let it go. It’s more about looking at yourself and working on yourself FIRST before you can get him back. If you go “bat crazy” on him, you can’t expect him to feel emotionally safe with you. And if he is “avoidant” style, it’s crucial for you to really figure out how to better communicate with him so you don’t cause damage.
You want him back, yet you don’t have the skillset to treat him properly when you get hurt. So let’s just start with that. What happened that caused you to go “bat crazy” on him? What did you do or say that would make him completely pull away? And lastly, how to you plan to make sure you handle situations differently in the future??
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
You sound quite confused. How long have you been dating? Has he always had this behavior? How old are the both of you?
The more details you can offer, the easier it will be for us to give you some ideas of how to approach the situation. It sounds like you don’t trust him. Has he cheated on you before? Is this the only aspect you don’t feel comfortable with? Are you happy in the relationship?
Heidi
