[Heidi G]

Hi Emily,

Thanks for being here and sharing you challenge with us! We are glad you are here.

Just a little more detail will be helpful.

1. How long have you known each other?
2. Are you dating?
3. How did you meet?

There are a couple of “caution flags” up with what you described. He sounds pretty insecure. He asks you a lot why you miss him and like him….that means he needs you to validate him quite a bit. He needs validation from you because he doesn’t like himself very much. My guess is, he doesn’t trust women much. Do you know anything about his past relationships? He most likely won’t answer in return because he does not feel safe to be vulnerable. HUGE caution flag there too.

He is showing signs of things that would be VERY difficult to handle in a serious relationship. I just want to point this out to you, so you are aware of what you are getting into. He does not sound like a guy who is emotionally available…which means it is an UPHILL battle for you to get him to be honest, vulnerable and authentic about his feelings about anything.
If he can’t even tell you how he feels about you, imagine trying to get him to be honest about other things in a relationship. Saying how he feels is really not that difficult to do in the grand scheme of what it means to be in relationship with someone.

Have you thought about any of this? I don’t want to discourage you….I just want you to be aware. Many time, in the beginning, people get caught up in the honeymoon feelings of things and miss the red flags. That’s all I want to point out here.

Once you give a little more detail about the questions above, we can better guide you as to what your next steps can be.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Heng,

I’m a little confused. You met this past December 2018? You kissed one time? But you said you guys were saying I love you to each other….so you dated each other?

My first suggestion is to stop contacting him. It’s one of the best ways to REALLY find out what he feels. If you stop texting, then you will see if he makes any effort to connect. If he doesn’t, then it’s time to move on and let him go.

Would you really be satisfied with a guy that only texts you once a month? Don’t you want a guy who is crazy about you and wants to make plans with you and loves talking to you? You deserve to be treated that way! You deserve to have a guy in your life who is excited about you! You deserve to have a guy in your life that WANTS to make plans with you because he likes being around you.

This guy doesn’t sound like he fits into that category. If a guy is interested, you will know it. Being famous, I’m sure he is used to a lot of ladies texting him ALL THE TIME. He really just might be that kind of guy who enjoys the moment. It doesn’t sound like he took his experiences with you very seriously. My guess is, he is not interested, considering that he never contacts you and when you do contact him, he responds with emoticons. The best way to find out though, is to stop contacting him and see what he does.

How often are you texting him??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Goodness!!!

Make sure you get to a chiropractor or someone when you get back. Slipping and landing on your tailbone like that can throw your hips off pretty bad. Many times people don’t notice until a week later and they start getting headaches, their back hurts etc. Your best bet is to take care of it right away!

I’m glad you are having so much fun! That’s spectacular! And again…don’t give those guys too much thought. Remember you are away on holiday. Sometimes people don’t reach out as much when they know someone is on vacation. I have a tendency to back off quite a bit when a guy I am dating in on vacation. I don’t want to disturb him. I let him reach out whenever he feels like.

Either way….once you return home and thing get back to normal, you can see what each guy is doing and how they are responding to you. Until then….work on not judging or putting any meaning on what each guy is doing….just notice.

heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Bernice!

Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your frustrations. I’m sorry to say, but your challenges are pretty normal. Now that dating has mostly gone online, it’s changed the dynamics of how things work now. There are a lot of great things about it AND a lot of challenges, tears shed, heartache and mistreatment.

The first thing I want to address, is the moment you put an age limit or a time you want to be married or fall in love, you are changing the dynamic of your approach. For example….I had a friend that had this very strong driving force that she had to be married by the time she was 30. And you know what? She made it happen. She found a guy and when I stood next to her at her wedding, I had no doubt the marriage would crumble in a few years…and I was right. Her drive to get married by 30 caused her to choose a guy who was NOT a good match.

So what about letting go of the age 40 and just let life take it’s course? Is that something you are willing to do?

I’m also wondering what is so bad if you are still single at 40? What does that mean to you?

If you would like us to help you with your dating profile, you can post it here and we can give you feedback. A lot of times, your presentation can attract a specific kind of guy. I have experimented with this A LOT! The past few times I went online, I met some AMAZING guys! They were such good people! It wasn’t a match, but I had a lot of fun!

I have a lot more questions for you, but let’s just start with these….

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tracy,

So let’s deal with that fear. You said that the fear you had of losing him was so big, that it caused you to miss all kinds of things. How are you going to deal with that fear? That fear is still going to be there and cloud your vision again and again and again, until you deal with it. Truth is, if he ever comes back, he isn’t going to want to be in the same relationship with you. Things need to change. Your fear needs to change. When there is a fear of losing him, you will do everything you can to control the situation…and you can energetically suffocate someone that way…which maybe is how he felt. Now that you have lost him and your fear has come true, even if he comes back, your fear will get even bigger, because it came true.

So…how are you going to deal with your fear? Why is this a fear in the first place?

When you really face fear and start to help it lessen little bits at a time, you will become more confident in yourself and men LOVE a confident woman. It will make you much more attractive to him!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hampton,

This must be really hard for you.

Just a few questions….is this typical for him? Does he tend to blame things on other people a lot? He hasn’t forgiven if he is still bringing up the things you have done to mess up.

Someone who is like this, is VERY difficult to be in relationship with. They are always living in the past, therefore there is no ability to be present and move forward. You can’t build a relationship that way. If he is not willing to let go and truly forgive, then I suggest you really look at the kind of relationship you want with him. If you want him back and want to keep fighting for him, it’s important for you to know that he will always be like this. He will always blame you for things not going “right” or for how he is feeling. Is that something that is okay for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Christina,

I think it’s very important to get clear about what you want. As long as you are confused and not sure, there will be confusion in any communication you have with him.

What exactly do you want from him? You guys were already committed and he has cheated. Has he apologized? Has he said it’s over with the other woman? I his communication with you, is he trying to get you back?

Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what HE wants. He has already proven to you that he will break his integrity. What do YOU want now? What specifically do you need him to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Hampton,

I’m so sorry for what you are having to deal with. He sounds very confused, therefore you are confused.

So this pattern started after telling him what happened to you? What his upset about WHAT happened or was his upset about the fact that you hadn’t told him yet and he felt lied to?

Regardless, it sounds like he is having trouble just accepting you for who you are. You are going to have moments of mess-ups, but if he is going to pull away every time you do something “stupid” then he has no business being in a relationship at all.

Can you shed more insight into this? It sounds like you guys have talked a lot. What is he saying to you about why he is so confused?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I wouldn’t invest much thought into him going on the app still. It’s normal. From his perspective, I’m sure he has had a TON of experience of women ghosting, things going well and fizzling out, women not being who they say they are etc. Dating online is difficult. So of course he is keeping his options open. He doesn’t know you. I’m sure he has hopes, but that is about as far as he can invest until you guys meet up and connect and start to see if you actually like each other. Until then, most people just keep dating. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. There is nothing “wrong” with that approach or disrespectful. What is sounds like, is that just doesn’t align with how you function and so that makes it uncomfortable for you.

Thoughts?

HEidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tracy,

Would you mind sharing what EXACTLY you are wanting to implement? What have you missed or failed at? And what are you starting to do to shift that so you don’t miss it again?

I understand how you feel about him. I have had a VERY LONG dating career and a loooong list of experiences over the years. There are however, 3 different guys who have had this impact in me. There was just this effortless connection. I felt about them like no other. I have researched quite a bit to understand what that is and what that means and why they were different.

I just want you to consider something for a second. Just because you have these very strong feelings, doesn’t mean it’s a good match. For example, 1 of those 3 guys is in my life currently. Every single time our paths cross (we run into each other a lot) over the past 3 years, it is INSTANTLY electric. I feel things that I haven’t felt in over a decade and it knocks me off my center for sure. It happens to both of us. However, I know enough about him to know that if we were ever to be together, it wouldn’t work. Could I love him? ABSOLUTELY in a split second…would we be good together? I have no doubt that when things would be good, they would be incredible. We would have a lot of spark and passion together. BUT…we easily have the potential for things to go south in a harmful way to each other. I see it, I can feel it and therefore I am not going to give this unbelievable connection we have, any life. We, as people, think that just because we feel a connection and chemistry and love, means that we need to give it energy. It’s so easy to lose touch with what REALITY is, because we would rather feel the love than say no to it. I’ve done that many times as well. It takes great strength to say no to a connection like you have with him. I’m not saying that is what you need to do. All I am inviting you to do, is to look BEYOND the connection….look past the love….and look at how you both function together. Is it healthy? Do you treat each other well? Even when there is an argument, is there respect and kindness? Is there good communication? These are the foundation of a healthy relationship that can last. Without these things, the most powerful connection has no foundation to stand on and it will crumble.

So….if you were to look past the love, and just look at how you 2 function together, tell us about that.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

OOOOkay! Got it! That makes a lot more sense now. So it doesn’t sound like that is something you need to pay attention to. He did a very polite thing and really considered YOU in the equation. That’s nice!

[Heidi G]

HI Paula,

I’m sorry to hear this. What you do about it, is up to you. For me personally, if I am deciding to let someone into the depths of my heart, if there is another woman that comes along and catches his attention, then to me, he is not ready to go where I want to go with him. In order to get into my heart, the guy MUST have no doubt, no reservations, no hesitation whatsoever about joining me on that journey. If he does, he doesn’t get to go there with me.

So being that this guy has to make a “decision” tells me he is in a place of not knowing what he really wants and he is confused. What do YOU want?? That is the more important question. By sitting by and letting him “decide” which woman he wants to be with, you are giving away your power to him. So keep the power in your own hands and YOU decide what you want. So what do you want EXACTLY with this guy?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

Okay…I get it. The way I understood it, it was that he was ordering food FOR you and not asking what you wanted etc. So I’m curious then…what was your internal reaction about. You mentioned that as something that bothered you a little bit. What exactly bothered you about him ordering food for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie!

I’m glad you had a good evening with this new guy. So one of the things I teach when you are starting to get to know someone is to start to pay attention to those little “caution flags” that you notice. Here is a simple guideline to follow. Once is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when I notice something that makes me uncomfortable, I store it in my mind and just pay attention to see if it’s a pattern, see if I am over-reacting and then make decisions from that place. It allows me to be completely aware of who I am dealing with vs. being taken by surprise. So this guy ordering food for you, the other guy just randomly inviting you to “join him” are little things that you need to take stock of. Do they mean anything deeper? You don’t know that yet. If it happens again, then you need to notice more. If it happens 3x, then it’s definitely a strong pattern and something you need to know will be a part of their personality and interaction with you. Once you gather more information, then you can decide from there how to handle it.

Just some little dating tidbits….

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

This guy is being kind weird too! Or maybe…I should just say clueless. That is not unusual for a the male population….lol. Us ladies need to have compassion and patience a lot of times when it comes to dating. The men just aren’t designed the way we are when it comes to “connection” and relationship. They are brilliant in other ways, but in this department, many of them just need a little extra help….lol.

He needs to step up either way. He doesn’t get to have you so easily. He needs to formally invite you out and treat it like a proper date and nothing less than that!!!

Heidi

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