Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Paula,
I’m glad you guys were able to connect and that is was a good conversation. Just because he didn’t seem like he was scared doesn’t mean he wasn’t or isn’t. Many of our fears are subconscious and get exposed through our behavior. Just keep going slow and let him take the lead on things. It’s important for you to know he really is interested. If you keep making all the effort and initiating first, you don’t really know how he feels. You are leading when you do that. Keep letting him lead you and decide on the pace of things.Yes, horoscopes can give some good insight into a relationship and the type of person you are dealing with HOWEVER…those horoscopes that are general descriptions of a person or a day are VERY GENERIC. I always suggest that if you want to look into your horoscope and the astrology of the relationship, you need to hire a professional who knows how to give you the in depth detail of the dynamics. There are so many other factors as well, besides horoscopes.
Heidi
Hi Rosemary!
Thanks for joining us!
I’m not sure I understand your situation. You have a friend and you and his grandson have interest in each other? And you are asking if you should pursue this and tell your friend? IS that correct?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
At the very least, he is asking you out and showing interest and taking the initiative….that must feel good for you, especially after this last guy who sent a ton of mixed messages.
How are you feeling? Do you find your attention still goes to the other guy at all, or are you feeling like it feels complete for you?
Thanks for all the updates! We love them!
Heidi
Heidi
Thank you for all of the examples!! That makes a lot more sense once you described it more!
I asked if you were losing patience because of 2 statements that you made: “Pretty soon I’m going to have to learn the things I need to do to reel in the big fish!!! LOL” combined with: “WHEN this all works out, our relationship is going to be ROCK SOLID!!! It’s tough, but maybe a blessing in disguise!” It’s future talk. It’s fantasizing and taking you out of the moment. It’s an incredibly difficult thing NOT to do. I haven’t noticed you talking like that recently. You’ve been much more present in your description about your situation, so when you said these things, it caught my attention and thought it was worth mentioning. But of course you can’t explain everything, so I may be misunderstanding what you are saying about this as well.
It’s good to know he is starting EMDR again. It’s so great you have an understanding of how it works and that, many times, it’s worse before it gets better. I can’t remember where you are at with your process. Are you seeing a therapist now? Are you doing EMDR as well? It might really help YOU to have some accountability for your deeper triggers as he goes through his at the same time. I think I remember you said you have a therapist now, but I honestly can’t remember.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I understand your frustrations! No one is telling you to let it go. It’s more about looking at yourself and working on yourself FIRST before you can get him back. If you go “bat crazy” on him, you can’t expect him to feel emotionally safe with you. And if he is “avoidant” style, it’s crucial for you to really figure out how to better communicate with him so you don’t cause damage.
You want him back, yet you don’t have the skillset to treat him properly when you get hurt. So let’s just start with that. What happened that caused you to go “bat crazy” on him? What did you do or say that would make him completely pull away? And lastly, how to you plan to make sure you handle situations differently in the future??
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
You sound quite confused. How long have you been dating? Has he always had this behavior? How old are the both of you?
The more details you can offer, the easier it will be for us to give you some ideas of how to approach the situation. It sounds like you don’t trust him. Has he cheated on you before? Is this the only aspect you don’t feel comfortable with? Are you happy in the relationship?
Heidi
Hi Paula!
It sounds like this guy is really scared. It does seem that he is attracted to you, but there is another part of him that is terrified of starting something new and that you will want to marry him. My guess is, he doesn’t want to hurt you, so the safest way to not do that, is to not get involved in the first place.
Would you be willing to just take it a little slower? What if you stopped calling him and reaching out? Take a step back and give him the space to chase you. He might be interpreting your reaching out and initiating as “needy.” A lot of guys do that and it can scare them. So by taking a step back and not contacting him, it will give him the space to make some effort towards getting to know you. It’s important for him to feel a desire to connect with you and it’s important for you to feel him initiating connection with you.
How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi Zihong,
Have you ALWAYS had a struggle with texting? Or has it been since your ex 13 years ago? I’m wondering how much of what you feel is part of your way of just keeping people out of your life. Your mother is your best friend. She is safe, she knows you and loves you unconditionally. People however, friends, guys you date are obviously not invested in you the same way your mother would be.
Relationships are a risk, friend or lover. It’s the reality of life. There are no guarantees. It’s important though, that you develop your inner strength and self esteem to feel okay taking those risks. I understand your need to accomplish all kinds of thing, but I am also wondering if that is your way of giving you permission to make excuses of why you “can’t” connect. Truth is, all those things you want to accomplish also involve people right? So no matter what you do or where you go, people are there and available for all kinds of wonderful experiences.
It also sounds like you are introverted, so there is a personality aspect here. I am introverted as well, but I make sure most of my social interactions honor the ways that I like to connect. I do not attend parties, but I do like small dinners where I can talk more one on one with people. I get annoyed with texting, so I actually use the app Marco Polo for a lot of my communication. It’s video messaging. Maybe you can find a different kind of app to communicate with that you enjoy better.
It’s important to know your limitations in relationship, which is sounds like you are really aware of. Are you willing to really work on those areas? Basically, you don’t trust yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, you won’t trust anyone else. So why not start with that particular topic…learning to trust yourself. Do you have any awareness as to why you are not able to align with yourself in relationship? What is stopping you from leaving when you want to leave?
Heidi
Hi Lori,
It sounds like there might be some other personal issues, individually. Does he tend to hold grudges? It doesn’t sound like he forgives easily. Do you feel since that moment of you lying that things shifted quite a bit?
Have you guys ever tried couples counseling or really trying to work on the marriage? Do you guys talk about things or argue? Do you feel he has the ability to really work through things with you? There is a lot happening here and you guys need someone to help you navigate through the challenges you both face.
Maybe look at “The 7 Principles of Marriage” by John Gottman. He has BRILLIANT books, programs, workshops etc. for couples!!! Maybe you guys can start by going through the book together or attend a weekend workshop. I do know he certifies professionals, so you can look for a Gottman trained specialist.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
you can always be flirty and insinuate you want to see him soon. You can say something like, “I was walking down the street and all of a sudden there was a STRONG smell of pizza! It smelled soooo good! I haven’t had pizza in a few weeks and I almost went in, but wanted to savor my next piece of pizza with you!” and just leave it at that…it will give him the confidence that you were thinking about him and wanting to make plans with him, which can encourage him to set up the date.
Heidi
Hi Renee!
Thank you for all of the updates!!! It sounds like things are progressing slowly but surely. The description of him sitting with all the dogs on him sounds so delightful. It sounds like it was a really wonderful 45 minutes!
There are just a few things I want to caution you about.
First, you saying you have no expectations of him, all the while giving him a list of a few things you need from him in order to feel cared about…it’s quite contradictory. You DO have expectations of him. You want him to behave and treat you in a certain way. You expect to get back together. You expect him to become healthier.
You are also expecting that this all will be over at some point and your relationship will be ROCK SOLID. I want to encourage you to stay in the present and catch yourself when you start to build a fantasy around him. This process will never be over Renee. What you both are dealing with in your lives, is a forever path of healing, growth and expansion…which many times is painful and challenging, as you well know and are currently experiencing. If you guys get back together, which the path you are on, seems to be leading in that direction, it’s still going to take a conscious choice from both of you to keep making this work and it’s going to take a loooong time to build a new foundation. I’m not sure if I am making sense.
Essentially, the feeling of the last 2 posts has a vibe about it where there is more attachment to a certain end result and that’s where your attention is. I’m wondering if you are starting to lose some patience? I’m wondering if your system is starting to need more from him? This is such a slippery slope and I just want to make sure you really keep checking in with where you are at. You are absolutely 100% correct in that this is going to take a very long time for him to come around. You guys are doing such a good job with re-building through all of these new conversations and experiences with honesty and friendship. He still has quite a ways to go. If this takes another 5 years before he is willing to be in relationship with you again, how does that make you feel? Would you be willing to honor that?
Heidi
What I have learned to do, is write on Word and then copy and paste my responses so I never lose them. Just a little tip.
Hi Tracy,
I’m so sorry! As a moderator on this forum and having responded hundreds of times, this has happened to me as well. It’s always something I end up touching on my computer that doesn’t end up completing the action for some reason. I never know what I end up touching, so I can’t tell you what happened. Something went wrong obviously and I KNOW how frustrating that is!!!
Would you be willing to write out your response again???
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Depression is all about hopelessness and there, of course, are varying levels of it. Sometimes, with more simple depression, just validating the person and how they are feeling is helpful. Asking them more questions about it so they feel like you are interested in knowing about how they feel is helpful. Sometimes…that is enough.
If the depression is more chronic and more serious, medication may be needed. When someone is depressed long enough, the chemistry in the brain changes and that is when the medication is needed and professional help is needed.
Has he always been depressed? Is he depressed about life in general or are there certain topics he always talks about?
Heidi
Hi Elza!
Wonderful! I’m glad you are on line with this approach! A lot can happen in 8 months! I have no doubt he will appreciate your friendship and connection and then in September when you guys see each other again, you will have a much more solid foundation, trust will have been built and you guys can see what happens from there.
Remember, if you start to feel like you are getting pulled into wanting more from him, stop yourself!!! He will feel that energy from you and most likely will pull back. Stay flirty and have fun, but keep perspective here. Respect what he needs to do right now and still go live your life!
Please keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
