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Hi Heng,
I am so so sorry to say this, but I really want to suggest to let this go. You barely know each other. Falling “in love” takes an incredible amount of time spent together, it takes a lot building memories, it takes having arguments and working through them together, it takes a commitment. Whatever it is that you guys felt for each other, was built only through text messages and few dates. I’m sure the chemistry was strong, but for chemistry to shift deeper into the realm of love, it takes a lot more than a few dates and texts.
My guess is, he uses the word “love” pretty loosely. I know many guys who use that word easily, because it hooks the ladies. It gets the guy what they want…which is attention and sex.
Reality is, there is not way to get him to pay attention to you again if he isn’t even responding to you. You need to be able to see him in person, you need to be able to have personal interaction with him. To get a guy to “fall in love with you” when he never sees you….it wouldn’t be real love anyways. It would just be a fantasy.
I’m curious Heng….he is unresponsive to you. What is happening for you that you are chasing after a guy that is showing no interest. I know he used to show interest, but he isn’t anymore and hasn’t for awhile. What is preventing you from moving on? What is keeping you connected to a guy that is not emotionally available for you?
Are you dating at all? Have you opened the door to other possibilities yet?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and giving such great examples of why you are struggling. It all makes perfect sense.
There is something to understand here when it comes to behaviors. One time is just one time….2x is a weak pattern….3x is a strong pattern. From the examples above, he is showing a strong pattern of HE IS NOT HIS WORD. He says one thing and does another. He makes plans, then breaks them, he says he got you a Christmas present that has never appeared and so on. Truth is, he is sabotaging all over the place. This has nothing to do with you!
My guess is, he is terrified and doesn’t quite know how terrified he really is. Somewhere around 80% of our decisions come from a subconscious place. So him breaking plans with you, not introducing you to his friends etc. is most likely coming from a place of fear that is deep rooted of which he has no idea is there and nor does he feel it. The way we discover there are issues like this are patterns in behavior. Those patterns tell us a story. Those patterns give us “clues” that something deeper is going on.
I’m wondering if he doesn’t like his family and maybe is embarrassed by them. Maybe he doesn’t want to expose you to them. I’m wondering if he has any friends. Do you know?
Regardless, here is reality of what you are dealing with. He will ALWAYS be like this until he faces whatever is happening on a deeper level. He has been hurt, he doesn’t trust and he won’t be vulnerable. He may be vulnerable with his words, be he isn’t vulnerable with his actions….therefore he isn’t vulnerable. He is sabotaging connection with you all over the place. I’m so sorry to say this, but he is emotionally unavailable and will continue to do all of these things until he is willing to admit and recognize his actions and decide he wants to change. That change means navigating down the rabbit hole to discover the root cause of his behaviors.
So here is your choice….you can stay and keep getting hurt. Your job is to accept that this is who he is. He is not going to change. He will forget your birthday sometimes, it may be a loooong while before you meet family and friends, you will continue to cancel plans with you. Accept it and keep forgiving him. You can say all you want how these things are hurtful for you, but he will keep giving you the same response of “I’m so sorry. I really do love you. I really do care about you, you really are my best friend, I really do want this.” Then he will cancel plans with you again, then he will forget something else that is important to you, then you will still not meet his friends and family. This is the cycle you will go through. You have already been through it. So it’s important for you to know that if you continue to choose to be with him, this is who he is. DO NOT ever be a man in hopes he will change. That means you are with him for his potential vs. really being with him for who he is. He deserves to be loved for exactly who is, not who he could be.
If this kind of design is not acceptable for you, then it’s time for you to separate. My guess is, you are not quite ready for that. You can always let him know how serious this is for you by upping your confrontation a bit.
You can say something like, “I love you. There are so many wonderful things about you. I am also at my wits end. There is a very strong pattern of choices that you make which sabotage our connection. You have a pattern of saying one thing and doing another. I’m finding that I actually not believing what you are saying anymore. You say you want this, but your actions tell me otherwise. You say I am your best friend, but many of your actions tell me otherwise. So I have a request. Are you willing to really look at this pattern and admit to it? Are you willing to really look inside and be honest with yourself about what is REALLY happening here? There is something in you, that isn’t fully investing in our relationship and that’s okay. It’s okay for me because we all have baggage we carry around. I know I have things too. If we are going to keep moving forward, we have to agree to look at these things that are affecting the relationship and work on them. If this is not something you want to do, I understand. I guess I need to know that about you and I have a decision to make.”
I would also suggest reading John Gottman’s “A Man’s Guide to Women” https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Women-Scientifically-Secrets/dp/1623361842/ref=asc_df_1623361842/?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid={creative}&hvpos={adposition}&hvnetw=o&hvrand={random}&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl={devicemodel}&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583795260679117&psc=1
It’s on of my favorite books that help BOTH men and women understand what really needs to happen in a relationship. “Happy wife, happy life.” That statement has a lot of truth in it!
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I understand exactly how you feel and what you want. I understand you are hurting and having a really hard time right now. Give it some time. It’s a rollercoaster ride when dealing with the loss of someone you care deeply about. Let the hurt be there and work with it. One of the most painful breakups I had ever had, I used all kinds of ways to help myself get through the hurt. One of my favorite was having a digital recorder with me in my car and I would just talk and talk and talk into it as if I was talking to him. Some days I was missing him like crazy and told him that, some days I was soooo angry. Some days I would just tell him stories about what was happening in my life. It was incredibly helpful to get all of those emotions out, get my thoughts out, get the energy out of my heart and my mind and just say all of it, without filtering. It brought me more peace and ease as I navigated through the loss. You can journal, you can even just talk out loud to a picture you have of him. The point is to get the energy OUT of your mind and heart instead of keeping it stuck inside.
I have no doubt you have a lot of confidence and trust in yourself in many areas of your life. From what you have said, it sounds like in the area of relationship with this guy, you really struggled with that. Here are some of the things you have said:
“He has told me that he could feel me pushing him away.”
“I have been so wrapped up in the feeling of fear he would leave me just like everyone else. I pushed him away when he was communicating with me.”
“I feel like the fear is something of loss.”
“when it comes to me and a relationship my confidence relays to fear of being left alone. Which may be why I push and push things until they go sour. I don’t really know how to fix this other than looking at things more in a positive way.”Wherever there is fear, there is a lack of confidence and self trust. Thinking positive can help you manage these feelings, but it doesn’t change the amount of fear or lack of self confidence that shows up. That’s why I was guiding you towards self trust. You will VERY EASILY fall back into an old pattern like this until you deal with the fear. You already were afraid of losing him, then he actually left and made your fear come true. If he comes back, that fear now is justified that he will leave you and you will be even more afraid of losing him, because it actually happened. Thinking positive is not strong enough to combat the fear. I know you SAY you are okay without him, but that is not how you are really feeling. If you REALLY TRULY knew that, the fear of losing him would not be there.
I understand you just want ways to get him back. We definitely want to help with that AND it’s important to also guide you towards ways to keep him when you do get him back. Otherwise, what’s the point of getting him back if you are just going to push him away again? That’s why it’s very important to connect to your fear, face it and work on your self love and confidence in the category of romantic love. When you shift to a healthier way of thinking and being, then any relationship with him or someone else will be much more sustainable.
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
Thank you for sharing more of your story. It’s understandable that the trust was broken in your last relationship and it has carried through this experience as well.
First, I want to encourage you to be kind to yourself. You can only make decisions from the information that you have. The only way Kanya and I are able to know what we know about relationships, is because we both have messed up a lot of times and had to learn. Once we learned, then we shifted and implemented the new information. Pain and hurt is one of the best motivators for growth.
So you didn’t see everything before. You didn’t see how you were pushing him away. You didn’t see the efforts he was going to for you. That’s okay. YOU SEE NOW and that is the most important part. Losing him has helped you wake up and learn what you needed to learn. Otherwise, you would still be in your old patterns. So the loss of him has been a great gift for you. You are being the best version of yourself that you know how to be, with this knew knowledge and that is so great! You will be a much better partner this way!
So forgive yourself for not knowing. Whether he forgives you or not, you need to forgive yourself and no longer punish yourself for not knowing.I want to talk about trust for a second. Your last relationship, he broke trust by not being there for you when you needed it. What if viewed trust a little differently. What if you kept the trust in yourself and didn’t give it away for someone else to take care of. What if you said, “I trust MYSELF that no matter what happens, no matter what he decides to do or not do, I will be okay. I trust MYSELF that when I get hurt or disappointed I know how to take care of myself. I am strong, I am resilient, I am capable to handle anything that crosses my path. I trust that about myself.” When you put the trust in yourself, it changes the fear. Your fear is about how someone else will respond to you. Reality is, there are no guarantees, even if you are married. People can change in a split second and you wouldn’t even see it coming. So putting trust in yourself that you will be okay, no matter what life brings into your path, means that you have the confidence that you can handle anything….which means your spirit can rest easier and stop worrying about how he will respond.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Thanks for being here and sharing you challenge with us! We are glad you are here.
Just a little more detail will be helpful.
1. How long have you known each other?
2. Are you dating?
3. How did you meet?There are a couple of “caution flags” up with what you described. He sounds pretty insecure. He asks you a lot why you miss him and like him….that means he needs you to validate him quite a bit. He needs validation from you because he doesn’t like himself very much. My guess is, he doesn’t trust women much. Do you know anything about his past relationships? He most likely won’t answer in return because he does not feel safe to be vulnerable. HUGE caution flag there too.
He is showing signs of things that would be VERY difficult to handle in a serious relationship. I just want to point this out to you, so you are aware of what you are getting into. He does not sound like a guy who is emotionally available…which means it is an UPHILL battle for you to get him to be honest, vulnerable and authentic about his feelings about anything.
If he can’t even tell you how he feels about you, imagine trying to get him to be honest about other things in a relationship. Saying how he feels is really not that difficult to do in the grand scheme of what it means to be in relationship with someone.Have you thought about any of this? I don’t want to discourage you….I just want you to be aware. Many time, in the beginning, people get caught up in the honeymoon feelings of things and miss the red flags. That’s all I want to point out here.
Once you give a little more detail about the questions above, we can better guide you as to what your next steps can be.
Heidi
Hi Heng,
I’m a little confused. You met this past December 2018? You kissed one time? But you said you guys were saying I love you to each other….so you dated each other?
My first suggestion is to stop contacting him. It’s one of the best ways to REALLY find out what he feels. If you stop texting, then you will see if he makes any effort to connect. If he doesn’t, then it’s time to move on and let him go.
Would you really be satisfied with a guy that only texts you once a month? Don’t you want a guy who is crazy about you and wants to make plans with you and loves talking to you? You deserve to be treated that way! You deserve to have a guy in your life who is excited about you! You deserve to have a guy in your life that WANTS to make plans with you because he likes being around you.
This guy doesn’t sound like he fits into that category. If a guy is interested, you will know it. Being famous, I’m sure he is used to a lot of ladies texting him ALL THE TIME. He really just might be that kind of guy who enjoys the moment. It doesn’t sound like he took his experiences with you very seriously. My guess is, he is not interested, considering that he never contacts you and when you do contact him, he responds with emoticons. The best way to find out though, is to stop contacting him and see what he does.
How often are you texting him??
Heidi
Oh Goodness!!!
Make sure you get to a chiropractor or someone when you get back. Slipping and landing on your tailbone like that can throw your hips off pretty bad. Many times people don’t notice until a week later and they start getting headaches, their back hurts etc. Your best bet is to take care of it right away!
I’m glad you are having so much fun! That’s spectacular! And again…don’t give those guys too much thought. Remember you are away on holiday. Sometimes people don’t reach out as much when they know someone is on vacation. I have a tendency to back off quite a bit when a guy I am dating in on vacation. I don’t want to disturb him. I let him reach out whenever he feels like.
Either way….once you return home and thing get back to normal, you can see what each guy is doing and how they are responding to you. Until then….work on not judging or putting any meaning on what each guy is doing….just notice.
heidi
Hi Bernice!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your frustrations. I’m sorry to say, but your challenges are pretty normal. Now that dating has mostly gone online, it’s changed the dynamics of how things work now. There are a lot of great things about it AND a lot of challenges, tears shed, heartache and mistreatment.
The first thing I want to address, is the moment you put an age limit or a time you want to be married or fall in love, you are changing the dynamic of your approach. For example….I had a friend that had this very strong driving force that she had to be married by the time she was 30. And you know what? She made it happen. She found a guy and when I stood next to her at her wedding, I had no doubt the marriage would crumble in a few years…and I was right. Her drive to get married by 30 caused her to choose a guy who was NOT a good match.
So what about letting go of the age 40 and just let life take it’s course? Is that something you are willing to do?
I’m also wondering what is so bad if you are still single at 40? What does that mean to you?
If you would like us to help you with your dating profile, you can post it here and we can give you feedback. A lot of times, your presentation can attract a specific kind of guy. I have experimented with this A LOT! The past few times I went online, I met some AMAZING guys! They were such good people! It wasn’t a match, but I had a lot of fun!
I have a lot more questions for you, but let’s just start with these….
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
So let’s deal with that fear. You said that the fear you had of losing him was so big, that it caused you to miss all kinds of things. How are you going to deal with that fear? That fear is still going to be there and cloud your vision again and again and again, until you deal with it. Truth is, if he ever comes back, he isn’t going to want to be in the same relationship with you. Things need to change. Your fear needs to change. When there is a fear of losing him, you will do everything you can to control the situation…and you can energetically suffocate someone that way…which maybe is how he felt. Now that you have lost him and your fear has come true, even if he comes back, your fear will get even bigger, because it came true.
So…how are you going to deal with your fear? Why is this a fear in the first place?
When you really face fear and start to help it lessen little bits at a time, you will become more confident in yourself and men LOVE a confident woman. It will make you much more attractive to him!
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
This must be really hard for you.
Just a few questions….is this typical for him? Does he tend to blame things on other people a lot? He hasn’t forgiven if he is still bringing up the things you have done to mess up.
Someone who is like this, is VERY difficult to be in relationship with. They are always living in the past, therefore there is no ability to be present and move forward. You can’t build a relationship that way. If he is not willing to let go and truly forgive, then I suggest you really look at the kind of relationship you want with him. If you want him back and want to keep fighting for him, it’s important for you to know that he will always be like this. He will always blame you for things not going “right” or for how he is feeling. Is that something that is okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
I think it’s very important to get clear about what you want. As long as you are confused and not sure, there will be confusion in any communication you have with him.
What exactly do you want from him? You guys were already committed and he has cheated. Has he apologized? Has he said it’s over with the other woman? I his communication with you, is he trying to get you back?
Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what HE wants. He has already proven to you that he will break his integrity. What do YOU want now? What specifically do you need him to do?
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
I’m so sorry for what you are having to deal with. He sounds very confused, therefore you are confused.
So this pattern started after telling him what happened to you? What his upset about WHAT happened or was his upset about the fact that you hadn’t told him yet and he felt lied to?
Regardless, it sounds like he is having trouble just accepting you for who you are. You are going to have moments of mess-ups, but if he is going to pull away every time you do something “stupid” then he has no business being in a relationship at all.
Can you shed more insight into this? It sounds like you guys have talked a lot. What is he saying to you about why he is so confused?
Heidi
I wouldn’t invest much thought into him going on the app still. It’s normal. From his perspective, I’m sure he has had a TON of experience of women ghosting, things going well and fizzling out, women not being who they say they are etc. Dating online is difficult. So of course he is keeping his options open. He doesn’t know you. I’m sure he has hopes, but that is about as far as he can invest until you guys meet up and connect and start to see if you actually like each other. Until then, most people just keep dating. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. There is nothing “wrong” with that approach or disrespectful. What is sounds like, is that just doesn’t align with how you function and so that makes it uncomfortable for you.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Tracy,
Would you mind sharing what EXACTLY you are wanting to implement? What have you missed or failed at? And what are you starting to do to shift that so you don’t miss it again?
I understand how you feel about him. I have had a VERY LONG dating career and a loooong list of experiences over the years. There are however, 3 different guys who have had this impact in me. There was just this effortless connection. I felt about them like no other. I have researched quite a bit to understand what that is and what that means and why they were different.
I just want you to consider something for a second. Just because you have these very strong feelings, doesn’t mean it’s a good match. For example, 1 of those 3 guys is in my life currently. Every single time our paths cross (we run into each other a lot) over the past 3 years, it is INSTANTLY electric. I feel things that I haven’t felt in over a decade and it knocks me off my center for sure. It happens to both of us. However, I know enough about him to know that if we were ever to be together, it wouldn’t work. Could I love him? ABSOLUTELY in a split second…would we be good together? I have no doubt that when things would be good, they would be incredible. We would have a lot of spark and passion together. BUT…we easily have the potential for things to go south in a harmful way to each other. I see it, I can feel it and therefore I am not going to give this unbelievable connection we have, any life. We, as people, think that just because we feel a connection and chemistry and love, means that we need to give it energy. It’s so easy to lose touch with what REALITY is, because we would rather feel the love than say no to it. I’ve done that many times as well. It takes great strength to say no to a connection like you have with him. I’m not saying that is what you need to do. All I am inviting you to do, is to look BEYOND the connection….look past the love….and look at how you both function together. Is it healthy? Do you treat each other well? Even when there is an argument, is there respect and kindness? Is there good communication? These are the foundation of a healthy relationship that can last. Without these things, the most powerful connection has no foundation to stand on and it will crumble.
So….if you were to look past the love, and just look at how you 2 function together, tell us about that.
Heidi
