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Hi Christina,
I think it’s very important to get clear about what you want. As long as you are confused and not sure, there will be confusion in any communication you have with him.
What exactly do you want from him? You guys were already committed and he has cheated. Has he apologized? Has he said it’s over with the other woman? I his communication with you, is he trying to get you back?
Bottom line, it doesn’t matter what HE wants. He has already proven to you that he will break his integrity. What do YOU want now? What specifically do you need him to do?
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
I’m so sorry for what you are having to deal with. He sounds very confused, therefore you are confused.
So this pattern started after telling him what happened to you? What his upset about WHAT happened or was his upset about the fact that you hadn’t told him yet and he felt lied to?
Regardless, it sounds like he is having trouble just accepting you for who you are. You are going to have moments of mess-ups, but if he is going to pull away every time you do something “stupid” then he has no business being in a relationship at all.
Can you shed more insight into this? It sounds like you guys have talked a lot. What is he saying to you about why he is so confused?
Heidi
I wouldn’t invest much thought into him going on the app still. It’s normal. From his perspective, I’m sure he has had a TON of experience of women ghosting, things going well and fizzling out, women not being who they say they are etc. Dating online is difficult. So of course he is keeping his options open. He doesn’t know you. I’m sure he has hopes, but that is about as far as he can invest until you guys meet up and connect and start to see if you actually like each other. Until then, most people just keep dating. It’s like throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. There is nothing “wrong” with that approach or disrespectful. What is sounds like, is that just doesn’t align with how you function and so that makes it uncomfortable for you.
Thoughts?
HEidi
Hi Tracy,
Would you mind sharing what EXACTLY you are wanting to implement? What have you missed or failed at? And what are you starting to do to shift that so you don’t miss it again?
I understand how you feel about him. I have had a VERY LONG dating career and a loooong list of experiences over the years. There are however, 3 different guys who have had this impact in me. There was just this effortless connection. I felt about them like no other. I have researched quite a bit to understand what that is and what that means and why they were different.
I just want you to consider something for a second. Just because you have these very strong feelings, doesn’t mean it’s a good match. For example, 1 of those 3 guys is in my life currently. Every single time our paths cross (we run into each other a lot) over the past 3 years, it is INSTANTLY electric. I feel things that I haven’t felt in over a decade and it knocks me off my center for sure. It happens to both of us. However, I know enough about him to know that if we were ever to be together, it wouldn’t work. Could I love him? ABSOLUTELY in a split second…would we be good together? I have no doubt that when things would be good, they would be incredible. We would have a lot of spark and passion together. BUT…we easily have the potential for things to go south in a harmful way to each other. I see it, I can feel it and therefore I am not going to give this unbelievable connection we have, any life. We, as people, think that just because we feel a connection and chemistry and love, means that we need to give it energy. It’s so easy to lose touch with what REALITY is, because we would rather feel the love than say no to it. I’ve done that many times as well. It takes great strength to say no to a connection like you have with him. I’m not saying that is what you need to do. All I am inviting you to do, is to look BEYOND the connection….look past the love….and look at how you both function together. Is it healthy? Do you treat each other well? Even when there is an argument, is there respect and kindness? Is there good communication? These are the foundation of a healthy relationship that can last. Without these things, the most powerful connection has no foundation to stand on and it will crumble.
So….if you were to look past the love, and just look at how you 2 function together, tell us about that.
Heidi
OOOOkay! Got it! That makes a lot more sense now. So it doesn’t sound like that is something you need to pay attention to. He did a very polite thing and really considered YOU in the equation. That’s nice!
HI Paula,
I’m sorry to hear this. What you do about it, is up to you. For me personally, if I am deciding to let someone into the depths of my heart, if there is another woman that comes along and catches his attention, then to me, he is not ready to go where I want to go with him. In order to get into my heart, the guy MUST have no doubt, no reservations, no hesitation whatsoever about joining me on that journey. If he does, he doesn’t get to go there with me.
So being that this guy has to make a “decision” tells me he is in a place of not knowing what he really wants and he is confused. What do YOU want?? That is the more important question. By sitting by and letting him “decide” which woman he wants to be with, you are giving away your power to him. So keep the power in your own hands and YOU decide what you want. So what do you want EXACTLY with this guy?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Okay…I get it. The way I understood it, it was that he was ordering food FOR you and not asking what you wanted etc. So I’m curious then…what was your internal reaction about. You mentioned that as something that bothered you a little bit. What exactly bothered you about him ordering food for you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
I’m glad you had a good evening with this new guy. So one of the things I teach when you are starting to get to know someone is to start to pay attention to those little “caution flags” that you notice. Here is a simple guideline to follow. Once is just once, 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when I notice something that makes me uncomfortable, I store it in my mind and just pay attention to see if it’s a pattern, see if I am over-reacting and then make decisions from that place. It allows me to be completely aware of who I am dealing with vs. being taken by surprise. So this guy ordering food for you, the other guy just randomly inviting you to “join him” are little things that you need to take stock of. Do they mean anything deeper? You don’t know that yet. If it happens again, then you need to notice more. If it happens 3x, then it’s definitely a strong pattern and something you need to know will be a part of their personality and interaction with you. Once you gather more information, then you can decide from there how to handle it.
Just some little dating tidbits….
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
This guy is being kind weird too! Or maybe…I should just say clueless. That is not unusual for a the male population….lol. Us ladies need to have compassion and patience a lot of times when it comes to dating. The men just aren’t designed the way we are when it comes to “connection” and relationship. They are brilliant in other ways, but in this department, many of them just need a little extra help….lol.
He needs to step up either way. He doesn’t get to have you so easily. He needs to formally invite you out and treat it like a proper date and nothing less than that!!!
Heidi
Hi Hyman,
I’m glad to hear you guys are working through a lot of your challenges with professional help. It’s quite the journey isn’t it??
Yes, when something bothers someone, there is ALWAYS a root cause, usually stemming from past experiences. I’m talking arguments and hurt etc. that get activated in relationship. Your feelings about language is a judgement. You lose respect for your husband because you have a judgment about profanity. You lose respect for someone without “manners” because you have a judgment about it. That issue is within you correct? There are millions of people who would disagree with you, including your husband right? And there are plenty of people who would agree with you. Truth is, it’s not a matter of right or wrong here. It’s a matter of preference. And that’s where we have to be careful in relationship. Once the energy of judgment enters a situation, you are making him wrong and you right and that simply is not true. It’s not that you need to change your perspective, it’s more about changing the judgment you have around it…and that can be shifted. When the judgment goes away, there is no “losing respect”….it just simply is something you don’t like but that’s where it stops. The judgment is what puts a wall up between you and him. Make sense?
Does this make sense? One tool I like to use is the SUD Scale (subjective units of distress). It’s a scale of 1-10 (1 being barely and 10 being the worst). When something bothers me, I rate my reaction. So when your husband uses profanity, rate it on that scale. My guess is, you are over a 5. The higher the number, the more intense the emotional reaction is. My goal is to ALWAYS get myself down to a zero. That is MY responsibility. The higher the number, the bigger the trigger it is which leads me into my past. Whenever I get triggered over a 5, I KNOW that the current situation is just triggering some wounds / beliefs etc. that need to be dealt with and released.
I view my emotions like a treasure hunt. Being that most of our feelings, emotions, thoughts and beliefs are coming from a subconscious place (we operate from about 80% of our subconscious), my emotions and reactions to my life around me, is the treasure map. They are the “clues” to the “treasure” and the treasure is the wound / belief I have been holding onto that is limiting my ability to love myself and others in my life. Once I find that treasure, the source, then I can work with it and release it, which gives me the greatest gift in the world…more ability to love myself and others….less judgment, more joy, more peace, more flow and ease in my life…one less trigger.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
I’m wondering why you are reading a book that is causing you anxiety again???? These small little things matter! I don’t care who the book is written by, you are working so hard to stay centered, grounded and in the present moment. If something is causing you to get disconnected from that, then STOP! Let it go. The book is not a good thing for you at this moment. Maybe later on, but not right now. You have plenty of other information at your fingertips that keep you mind and heart at peace. That is the most important thing right now for you to stay focused on. You have a therapist you trust that can keep you grounded in the truth and heading in a good direction. Trust all of that and maybe give that book to someone else.
It’s too bad you don’t have someone to go with to Brene Brown. However, I have found that when I go alone, I meet soooooo many more people. My guess is, that is what is meant to be! You are absolutely going to heal through osmosis!!! I can’t wait to hear everything!
Keep us updated along the way if you can!
Safe travels!!!
Heidi
Hi Zihong,
Thank you for your response. I understand how texting can be very time consuming. It is not the best way to get to know someone, BUT it can still be a useful tool to send short messages. If you don’t want to be bothered, why not put your phone on in airplane mode when you need some alone time? Then when you are ready to connect, you can check your phone. And…it’s an easy thing to say to someone (I have said this many times) I’m tired of texting. Let’s just talk or meet up tomorrow. You can set some boundaries around what you feel comfortable with. Many people don’t like the phone, including myself. I HATE talking on the phone. But Marco Polo has been this wonderful middle ground for me. I can say sooooo much in 1-2 minutes that I would never text. It allows me to watch their returned messages at a time when I feel like it and I get to see their faces. Maybe you can do voice messages? There is a way through the text app where you can record your voice vs. texting and they get that voice message through the texting app. That could also be another solution for you.
In regards to trusting yourself: “I trust myself, but I am not very confident.” This statement is contradictory. Trust and confidence go hand in hand. When you trust yourself you are confident. Maybe look at it this way. When you trust someone else, you have confidence in them right? You confidence in the relationship. You have confidence that they are going to support you, treat you well etc. It’s the same thing with yourself. A lack of confidence exists partly because there is no trust. Also, when you don’t trust yourself, a lot of fear and anxiety shows up. “I have not really opened my heart or loved anyone for many years because I am also afraid of getting involved with the wrong person and being in a relationship miserably.” You are saying in this statement that you don’t trust yourself to pick a good guy AND you don’t trust yourself to get out of a relationship when you are miserable. You think you are trapped.
Self trust is a belief like this: “I trust myself that no matter what happens in my life, I will be okay. No matter what that guy decides to do, I will be okay. I am strong, resilient and I KNOW that I will figure out how to get back up on my feet when I get knocked down.”
The mistake most people make is they put their trust in other people. Other people will ALWAYS let you down. They will break trust. It’s just human. Therefore, it’s important for us to have trust in ourselves that WHEN the other person makes a mistake and breaks trust or hurts us, we have the ability to get through it because we know how to be resilient.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi Renee!
I’m glad you reached out to my referral and I’m glad to know you learned a lot! That makes me happy!
I’m also glad to hear you are starting EMDR again with your therapist. I think it will help take some of the edge off for you.
You are very clear about what you want and the direction you are heading with him. You guys are functioning on a more healthy authentic level and that is all that matters right now. I think you are right that taking this time “apart” allows for both of you to work on the deeper stuff and have some space to recover without being on top of each other like you would be in a “committed” relationship. I think what you guys are doing is working really, really well! It sounds like you are at peace. It also seems like your mind is having to do a lot of managing / analyzing to feel good about the situation. This is where I think the EMDR will be able to help quite a bit.
Keep us updated on your progress!
I am suuuuuper excited about your Cali trip! Woooohooo! I can’t wait to hear about it! I haven’t seen either of them live, but I have now doubt it will be spectacular for you. You are going to be very well nourished there and just being in the energy of hundreds of like-minded individuals is pretty spectacular!
Heidi
Hi Edwina,
Wow…I am so sorry for all that you are going through.
I’m wondering what is keeping you tied to him. He really is sending you quite a bit of mixed messages and using you. He doesn’t want you to see anyone else, yet he does and will. He just wants sex and occasional talking and connecting when HE feels like it. I’m wondering where you exist in this picture. Where are YOUR feelings being considered?? I don’t see you fighting for your needs, but I see him fighting for all of his needs.
I’m not sure getting him back is healthy for you right now. Reality is, he doesn’t want to offer you what you need. He is clear he is not ready, yet he will still use you for what he needs and wants. This can’t feel good for you!
Heidi
Hi Aaron!
Tell us what shifted. You said you used to be happy. Then what happened?
Also, bottom line, if someone is being verbally abusive, it’s time to let go and no longer participate in that design. That is not love. It’s a very perverted version of love that isn’t healthy. Have you tried to set boundaries? What is stopping you from leaving? I know you used to be happy with him, but that is in the past. You have to face today. You need to make decisions based on the PRESENT moment and not what used to be. Do you think he is willing to work on the relationship and improve?
Heidi
