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Hi Amanda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. How is your relationship going? Have you talked to him at all? How are you feeling about the relationship today?
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We haven’t heard back from you. Do you have anymore questions? Where are you at in the decision making process?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thanks for writing back! I’m glad you are open to exploring this area of your life!
Another WONDERFUL resource is on you tube. Just look up Ted X talks on sexuality and you will find all kinds of authors and experts that provide an incredible amount of information that normalize, validate and help create a more clear understanding about yourself.
Here is just one video to start. Enjoy!
Heidi
Hi Patricia!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. We love when other people chime in and offer their own experiences. It is very validating, which sometimes is all we really need.
Do you have your own story or challenges you would like to share and want some ideas / guidance?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
Wow! HUGE insights you are having! Yes! I would agree with 100% of what you are saying.
My first thought is, maybe it would be good for you to go on a few dates. It doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them. I have dated sometimes, solely for the purpose to get to know myself. I went through different phases. I said yes to any guy who wanted to take me out, even if I wasn’t attracted to them. I wanted to see who I was in front of all different kinds of guys. I went through phases of only dating men from other cultures, for the same reason. Dating is just dating. It’s a great way to get to know yourself.
Reality is, K is comfortable for you. There is an intimacy there that has been built over 9 years. It’s no different than what you were originally saying about all those people rejecting you. Even if it’s dysfunctional, they knew what to expect. Even if K and you are dysfunctional, you know what to expect. You know how to navigate it and you are comfortable with it. You know that he sees you and loves you anyways, even though he doesn’t want to be in relationship. He is still very much involved in your life.
Reality is, it IS a huge risk to date. It’s a risk for every single person on this planet. We ALL have the feelings of being scared that if someone really, truly saw who we were, there is a possibility they might leave. It’s true and there is no way to avoid that HOWEVER, that is why having internal self esteem and self love is crucial. When and if you get rejected, for whatever reason, you are resilient. That’s how you handle dating and taking that risk with your heart. Of course you are terrified…it’s normal! You and K have been in quite the long exchange with a lot of uncertainty. You get to keep choosing that of course.
Either way, maybe it will be good for you to just go on a few dates. Why not start talking to that guy in L.A. He is far away which makes him quite safe. You can enjoy just having fun and getting to know each other a little bit. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Let’s first talk about the being along part. I understand you have been single for a few years at a time, but you actually haven’t been truly alone. As long as you are seeking male attention and company through booty calls, you aren’t truly alone. What I am referring to, is having ZERO male attention. I am sensing that you really don’t know who you are without having some type of connection with a male in your life that is either sexual or more. I know you truly believe you are bored by yourself and so you look for distractions and even you friends have validated that about you. The thing is, that boredom is a symptom of something much deeper that you are not connected to. That boredom is just a cover for other things you don’t want to feel, like hurt, abandonment, betrayal etc. Have you ever gotten professional help to deal with all the abuse you went through? The betrayal you experienced?
There are areas where you do not have self love. You have chosen 3 longer relationships where they were very low functioning, abusive, disloyal etc. The part of you that chose those relationships has very low self esteem. I have no doubt you have other parts of you where you do feel self love. We all exist like that, no matter healthy or strong we are. We are all like swiss cheese. We have solid part where self love and confidence exist and where the holes are, there is very low self esteem and confidence.
With everything you are telling me about your patterns and your boredom and the relationships you have chosen in the past, I want to guide you towards looking at those holes and figuring out what is in there, so you can begin your healing process. The more holes you have, the bigger they are in your piece of swiss cheese, the more difficult relationships are. So it doesn’t really matter who you choose, you are going to have a hard time. I just want to put that out there.
As far as your guy, I think what is really important is that you understand and really listen to what he needs. He is telling you who he is. He is completely happy and content to just have booty calls and then go live his life. He doesn’t want to get wrapped up with anyone and be in any type of relationship that will require him to really invest his heart. Basically, he is emotionally unavailable. That is your pattern of the kind of guys you have chosen to be in deeper relationship with. I know he is not abusive, I know he most likely wouldn’t cheat on you and I know he is an honest guy AND he is still emotionally unavailable….which means, in time, your heart will be starving for connection and he will break your heart many, many times due his limitations (just like your other relationships). I understand the connection you have and the safety you both feel with each other, but heading into the romance department is a completely different thing.
It is a loving thing to do for yourself by be honest with what you really need. The longer you stay friends with benefits, the more you are rejecting what you really desire. As long as you keep rejecting yourself, you are then treating yourself no better than any of those men you chose before.
I would encourage you to just be honest with him. You can say something like, “Listen….I need to be honest. I am finding myself being drawn deeper into wanting more with you. I’m not wanting us to change, because I love how we are with each other. I do however, want to feel like we are going somewhere. Having booty calls with you is nice, but if I am really, truly honest with myself, I want to fall in love. I understand this is not what you are interested in. I think the best way to honor your needs of not getting involved with anyone and honor my needs of wanting to fall in love, and just go back to being friends.”
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want to change his mind and hope that time will do that for him. The thing is, you are a good friend he has sex with. He is not REALLY investing in you and why should he? You’ve established with him that he can have whatever he wants. He can have sex with you and then not only contact you when he feels like it and not have all the “hassle” that comes with being in relationship. You are the one saying that’s okay. Why in the world would he ever change? He gets everything he needs just like it is? You are the only one who will get hurt here, because your feelings run deeper. So you are allowing yourself to be used, just so you can have connection with him that is deeper than a friendship and satiate that part of you that is craving connection with a man. It’s not enough though and your friend isn’t going to give it to you…at least not down the path you are participating in at the moment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thank you for sharing more details! Guilt is a very strong block for intimacy. If you like believing the way you believe, then maybe it is better for you to find someone like-minded, as this particular area for you guys, will wreak havoc on the relationship. If you are interested in having a more expanded mindset about sex, then he can be a good experience for you, if he is willing to go slow. Letting go of beliefs and paradigms that you have lived with your whole life, is like stripping your identity. It’s not easy and requires compassion and patience.
Sex IS an important part in the average male’s life. It is a driving factor them and in the forefront of their minds over 90% of the time. That’s normal. It’s just how they were made. It’s a big challenge for many men to learn to control their desires instead of their desires controlling them. It’s a lot of work for them. For women, we need them to value the relationship and connection more than sex. It’s a very, very layered and dynamic way that we experience each other. I’m also wondering if he is taking anything like Viagra. It would be normal for someone at his age, especially being a single guy. That could also increase his libido.
Either way, what is CRUCIAL for you to be clear in your communication. I would say something like, “Listen…I have not freed myself from the Catholic views on sex. I am willing to look at it and explore more within myself. I am interested in growing and discovering more in this area, but it will take time and patience as I explore this area of my life. I understand your desires as well. I don’t know where exploring this area will take or how things will shift or not shift. I may discover that I don’t want to change my viewpoint. I don’t know. So let’s just take this one day at a time.”
And use him as a resource! It sounds like he went through this process of letting go of beliefs and creating new ones. Ask him about that. Ask him why, how and what his current viewpoints are and why those are his viewpoints. He will LOVE those questions because he will see you are making effort, which builds trust, and you will get to know him better in this area, therefore building trust for you.
There is a possibility here, where you feel like sex is REALLY important for him, because it isn’t to you. Your experience with that side of your life is pretty limited. Having sex from behind or against the wall are positions that I would call “normal” in the scheme of things. Erotic would start to head more into unusual positions, toys, games etc. If you want a more clear perspective on this, just google erotic sex and see what comes up. So someone like him comes along and his sexual experiences are much more expansive and it feels really big for you, when in reality, his sexual desires might be more in the normal range. I don’t know, as I’m obviously not there. I just want you to consider that your perspective about this area of HIS life and how much he values it, is being seen through a lens that has a much smaller / limited viewpoint. That’s why I suggest talking to him about it, so you can learn about HIS perspective and how he experiences his sexuality.
Lastly, one of the way I began to expand my life sexually, was I studied it. I read books, I talked to all kinds of people, I ordered teaching videos etc. It’s a beautiful area of a relationship that is so sacred and beautiful and deserves attention. There are soooooo many differences between men and women in this area, so it’s important to learn about yourself first and also explore a man’s viewpoint. A movie that I found helpful for me was called the “Kinsey Report.” It’s about Kinsey, who was the first person to really study sexuality in men and women. I found the movie helpful because although it was all about sex and what he studied and learned about it, there was a science undertone throughout the whole thing. It felt less like a “sex” movie and more like a good education for me at the time. Just throwing out ideas. Something like that movie may be too much for you at this point, I don’t know.
Hopefully some of these suggestions are helpful for you as you begin a journey in this area of your life.
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Thank you for more clarity! Okay…so you DO want a relationship with him. How long ago did you guys decide to enter into this FWB zone? Before heading down the relationship path with him, I would encourage you to start to get to know him from a “relationship” perspective. Meaning, you have not been in a committed relationship with him since you were a teenager, so this is a side to him you really don’t know about. The first thing I am wondering, is what is his idea of a committed relationship? It sounds like he might have some thick walls around his heart. He will never get married again, he wants to hang out and be in relationship with you, but he also wants to do his own thing. So it sounds like a design where he keeps you at arms length all the time. Do you know where all of that comes from?
I know you don’t want to “mess this up.” I want you to make sure however, that how he functions in a relationship will nourish you, support you, make you feel emotionally safe and that he is someone you can really grow with. It’s pointless to try to get him to commit to you if he is an emotionally unavailable kind of guy. You would end up being miserable!
Lastly, I also want to encourage you to face your fears, low self esteem, need to control etc. We all have that kind of stuff in us. As a Dating Coach, I ALWAYS ALWAYS encourage my clients to be alone for awhile and NOT date so they can face all the boredom, anxiety, desperation that shows up. It’s so important to learn to love our life alone without a man. You learn to take care of all of those emotions that come up all on your own. You learn to be happy and peaceful and create a fun life, by yourself. Which means…you don’t need a man to make you happy or feel good about yourself. Reality is, until you deal with all of those things you feel when you are alone, they will ALWAYS be there and sabotage any relationship you are in. All those feelings don’t go away once you are with a guy, they just get buried and then rear their ugly heads in various ways and cause relationships to fail. So you really are interested in having a sustainable relationship, it means facing yourself and all those intense feelings.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Keysha,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your story with us!
I just have a few questions. You say you have been in love with him for 30 years. Did you guys have an affair as well? Has he ever expressed having romantic feelings with you? What has been your relationship with him over the 30 years? You guys remained just friends and kept in touch every once in awhile? Does he reach out to you and initiate contact or are you the one always reaching out?
I want to caution you with this man. I understand you have strong feelings for him. Does it not bother you that he is a cheater? Do you realize that if he were with you, he the odds of him cheating on you are VERY HIGH?? He would rather break his integrity than to be honest and authentic and communicate with the woman he is with. And it also sounds like he NEEDS a woman to be around. So when one relationship ends, he will hop right back into another relationship. He sounds like the kind of guy who uses women for whatever he needs. I would venture to guess that he is someone who isn’t capable of deep, authentic, intimate love. How well do you REALLY know him? I’m wondering if you have a belief that if you were his woman, he would be different because you would love him so much, he would never want to cheat and he would be happy with you. Is this how you are thinking?
Looking forward to more details!!!
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
I know how difficult this time is for you. Growing and expanding is usually very uncomfortable. It’s challenging because hurt is usually associated with growth and expansion.
I think you are doing a doing a great job! You are not texting him, you are giving him space and you are taking one day at a time. You say you are working on yourself. I would love to hear what you are doing. What kinds of things are saying or doing for yourself to connect more to yourself? What are you doing for self love? Are you learning about what does work and what doesn’t work for you? I think it’s really helpful to share these details as it can help the other ladies here on the forum to see what you are doing for yourself. Self love is one of the most difficult areas to strengthen. Everyone wants the other person to make them feel better. Making yourself feel better, without the help of the person who is causing the pain, is just plain difficult….HOWEVER, very possible and healthiest path to take. The moment you give someone else the authority to make you feel better, you give away your power. It’s actually the very lazy way to “heal.” It’s making him do all the work instead of you doing it yourself. Even after all of these years that I have known this and know how to take care of myself, I STILL want to be lazy and feel better by someone else saying or doing what I need so that I can feel better. So I’m proud of you for even just talking about this concept. Many people reject the concept right from the beginning. It’s a start to even just consider learning how to take care of your own emotional health. Yes, it is difficult and challenging, but the rewards you get from it are priceless! One MAIN reward you will get, is a healthier relationship. I know you want that!!!
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Welcome!!! We are glad you are here talking with us.
I’m a little confused about this, so I just have a few questions. He wants to be committed but you don’t….why? What is stopping you from being a relationship with him? It sounds like you are getting what you want from him. Some texting, occasional hangouts and booty calls when you want them. I’m wondering why you feel you need “magic phrases?”
Let’s address you “fail miserably” at relationships. I wish there were magic phrases for everything, but reality, it’s not something you want to rely on. You want to have the strength to use your own words and be yourself. That is what it means to be authentic in a relationship. What will better suit you, is to really work on those parts of you that are insecure or sabotage connection. Magic phrases cannot fix something like that. It’s like putting a bandaid over a huge cut that needs stitches. It can help for a bit, but it won’t last.
So why don’t you share with us, what your challenges are in a relationship. What do you believe about yourself that is causing you to fail at relationship?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your thoughts with us!
I’m wondering if he mentioned what exact sexual positions he was wanting to try. Did he say specifically or did he just ask a general question about trying “different sexual positions?”
Here is the thing about sex. We ALL have a lot of different perspectives and experiences according to what we were exposed to. Religions shape our perspectives about sex, school and our peers shape our perspectives, our parents, what we see in the media and magazines etc. So I want to ask you this…you have your perspective and experience about sex and he has his. I think the main limiting factor here, is it seems that you think that his perspective is “erotic” and not appropriate, when in reality, it’s just a different way to experience sexual intimacy. It sounds like he has more freedom to experiment and enjoy the many ways to experience intimacy than you do. It’s actually quite normal for people to try all different kinds of positions with each other. Sex is a VERY dynamic and layered and expansive way to experience your partner. If you just stay in one position every single time, for years on end, then it’s easy for the sexual aspect of the relationship to become boring and stale. There are different aspect of a relationship that need to be fed and nurtured. There is the friendship, there is the sexual intimacy, there is the growth and planning and creating visions together, there is the communication etc….ALL these areas feed into the health of the relationship, sex included. Sex IS an important aspect for a man. Being at his age, it definitely hold less power and value, but it still is an important part of the relationship. What he is asking for, is quite normal and common.
However, being that you both just had sex for the first time, this is an uncharted territory for you guys, so there is still a lot to learn about each other in this area. It takes time. He can say all he wants that he will be with you regardless, but he doesn’t know and neither do you, if you are sexually compatible. You just opened that door and it is going to take time and patience AND a willingness to grow in this area of your lives, if the relationship is going to be sustainable.
Are you willing to consider trying something new? It doesn’t have to be right away. You guys can get to know each other for awhile sexually, at the comfort level you are at. After trust is built and comfort has been established, THEN you can start to try something new that you never have before.
This is a great way to get to know yourself! My first suggestion for you is to look at what has shaped your perception about sex. Religion, parents, media etc.? How have you come to the belief that “proper” sex is what is appropriate and nothing else? Explore this topic for yourself and look at the possibility of re-shaping those beliefs into something new.
Is that something you are willing to do?Heidi
Hi Tan,
Thank you for sharing more details. I’m glad he is being open with you about not being good with money. I wonder how he is surviving right now…if he doesn’t have a job, who is helping him to live his life? Where is he getting money from to eat, pay rent etc.?
I would say that it is pretty unrealistic to expect to see him anytime soon. If he has no money and no job, how is he going to “scrape” some money together for a flight? That would be him, spending money on a plan ticket that he shouldn’t be spending money on. He needs to get his life in order, get a job and start to take care of himself. Spending money on a plane ticket to come visit you is a luxury and he cannot and should not be doing something like that right now. Besides, if he were to come visit, you would also have to pay for everything, because I can’t imagine he would have the money to pay for his own food. Were you planning on him staying with you at your house?
He can be a wonderful supportive man emotionally, but he also needs to be able to support himself, just like you are able to do. For a man especially, it is VERY difficult not to be able to “provide” for himself and especially for his lady.
I would suggest to just let this relationship happen how it happens, but also open the door to new possibilities.
You are correct in that you guys live in a bubble. You have created this whole relationship based on conversation, which is such a small percentage of reality. There needs to be a plan to take your relationship further and make that happen OR you can remain “dating” but not committed. You can keep your options open.
How does that make you feel?
HeidiHi Susan,
I am so so sorry for what you guys have to go through. Facing death is so incredibly difficult.
First, I want to suggest to not get wrapped up in “pitty.” Instead, keep connected to the truth about the situation. Your children will be okay. You will be okay and so will their father. You all will get through the loss of him together. It will be an adjustment, lots of tears and moments of depression, but it’s all a part of life we have to face and accept and deal with.
Why not just have a straight up conversation with him? You can say something like, “I’m sorry you are dealing with this again. I want to help you through all of this. Who knows how much time is left and it doesn’t matter. I say we put all of our differences behind us and just spend the remaining time with each other in peace and appreciation for the life that is left. I want our family to be in the same room together and create some wonderful memories. It will be very hard when you go. Let’s make the most of it while you are here. What do you think about that?”
Can you say something to this effect to him?
HeidiThis is actually a really good question!
I want to ask you a question in return. Why do you want to “make” a man love you? You said you have plenty of men who are interested in you. Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy where you don’t have to work so hard for his attention? Relationships are soooooo much more fun that way!
Imagine having a relationship with a guy who is inspired by you, just because of who you are. He knows you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. He knows he wants to spend every single day with you and talk with you, hang out and laugh, create memories together. There is NOTHING stopping him from wanting to get to know you and be with you and fall in love with you. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want it to be natural for a man to feel this way about you instead of having to use “psychology tricks” or trying to change a guy?
Let’s look at this from a different perspective as well. If you think about it, when you spend all of this energy to try to get a guy’s attention, trying to use tricks to get a man to love you, all you are thinking about is yourself. You are not thinking about what HE needs, what is good for HIM and it doesn’t matter to you whatever it is that he feels about you….you are only thinking about yourself and getting what you want from him. You basically want what you want, which is for him to fall in love with you and help you with your career, and that is what you care about….yourself only. What about him and what he feels? Don’t his feelings matter? Don’t his needs matter? The guys probably spends 90% of his life with people wanting something from him. His money, his connections, his power, his sex appeal, his fame. I’m sure he craves to be around people who actually know him and like him for who he really is….his quirks, his humanness, his messiness, his wonderful little habits that make him unique etc. Truth is, you have no idea who he is and whether or not you actually like him because you have spent so little time together. You have very little information about him, yet you want him to fall in love with you because you want to use him for your career and whatever else he can offer to enhance your life. You, of course, have every right to take that approach and live your life that way. But something tells me that you are interested in a deeper experience with a man. Yes??
Yes, a guy’s intention ALWAYS matters. Yes, there are ways that can work (it depends on the situation) that can shift how a guy feels, but bottom line, it is so crucial to RESPECT how someone feels and behaves, whether or not you agree with it or like it. Having respect for how they feel, means that you ACCEPT who they are and not try to change them. That is one of the most important things to remember always. Every single person on this earth deserves to be cared for and respected for their choices and how they feel. Basically, you are wanting this guy to love you and meet your needs, because you won’t do it for yourself. It’s YOUR job to love you, not his.
There is a lot to say on this subject, so I’ll stop there and let you think about all of this. We will keep talking, as this is a GREAT subject you brought up. A lot of people struggle with the same thing.
Heidi
