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Hi Anne,
Thank you for writing in and sharing your thoughts with us!
I’m wondering if he mentioned what exact sexual positions he was wanting to try. Did he say specifically or did he just ask a general question about trying “different sexual positions?”
Here is the thing about sex. We ALL have a lot of different perspectives and experiences according to what we were exposed to. Religions shape our perspectives about sex, school and our peers shape our perspectives, our parents, what we see in the media and magazines etc. So I want to ask you this…you have your perspective and experience about sex and he has his. I think the main limiting factor here, is it seems that you think that his perspective is “erotic” and not appropriate, when in reality, it’s just a different way to experience sexual intimacy. It sounds like he has more freedom to experiment and enjoy the many ways to experience intimacy than you do. It’s actually quite normal for people to try all different kinds of positions with each other. Sex is a VERY dynamic and layered and expansive way to experience your partner. If you just stay in one position every single time, for years on end, then it’s easy for the sexual aspect of the relationship to become boring and stale. There are different aspect of a relationship that need to be fed and nurtured. There is the friendship, there is the sexual intimacy, there is the growth and planning and creating visions together, there is the communication etc….ALL these areas feed into the health of the relationship, sex included. Sex IS an important aspect for a man. Being at his age, it definitely hold less power and value, but it still is an important part of the relationship. What he is asking for, is quite normal and common.
However, being that you both just had sex for the first time, this is an uncharted territory for you guys, so there is still a lot to learn about each other in this area. It takes time. He can say all he wants that he will be with you regardless, but he doesn’t know and neither do you, if you are sexually compatible. You just opened that door and it is going to take time and patience AND a willingness to grow in this area of your lives, if the relationship is going to be sustainable.
Are you willing to consider trying something new? It doesn’t have to be right away. You guys can get to know each other for awhile sexually, at the comfort level you are at. After trust is built and comfort has been established, THEN you can start to try something new that you never have before.
This is a great way to get to know yourself! My first suggestion for you is to look at what has shaped your perception about sex. Religion, parents, media etc.? How have you come to the belief that “proper” sex is what is appropriate and nothing else? Explore this topic for yourself and look at the possibility of re-shaping those beliefs into something new.
Is that something you are willing to do?Heidi
Hi Tan,
Thank you for sharing more details. I’m glad he is being open with you about not being good with money. I wonder how he is surviving right now…if he doesn’t have a job, who is helping him to live his life? Where is he getting money from to eat, pay rent etc.?
I would say that it is pretty unrealistic to expect to see him anytime soon. If he has no money and no job, how is he going to “scrape” some money together for a flight? That would be him, spending money on a plan ticket that he shouldn’t be spending money on. He needs to get his life in order, get a job and start to take care of himself. Spending money on a plane ticket to come visit you is a luxury and he cannot and should not be doing something like that right now. Besides, if he were to come visit, you would also have to pay for everything, because I can’t imagine he would have the money to pay for his own food. Were you planning on him staying with you at your house?
He can be a wonderful supportive man emotionally, but he also needs to be able to support himself, just like you are able to do. For a man especially, it is VERY difficult not to be able to “provide” for himself and especially for his lady.
I would suggest to just let this relationship happen how it happens, but also open the door to new possibilities.
You are correct in that you guys live in a bubble. You have created this whole relationship based on conversation, which is such a small percentage of reality. There needs to be a plan to take your relationship further and make that happen OR you can remain “dating” but not committed. You can keep your options open.
How does that make you feel?
HeidiHi Susan,
I am so so sorry for what you guys have to go through. Facing death is so incredibly difficult.
First, I want to suggest to not get wrapped up in “pitty.” Instead, keep connected to the truth about the situation. Your children will be okay. You will be okay and so will their father. You all will get through the loss of him together. It will be an adjustment, lots of tears and moments of depression, but it’s all a part of life we have to face and accept and deal with.
Why not just have a straight up conversation with him? You can say something like, “I’m sorry you are dealing with this again. I want to help you through all of this. Who knows how much time is left and it doesn’t matter. I say we put all of our differences behind us and just spend the remaining time with each other in peace and appreciation for the life that is left. I want our family to be in the same room together and create some wonderful memories. It will be very hard when you go. Let’s make the most of it while you are here. What do you think about that?”
Can you say something to this effect to him?
HeidiThis is actually a really good question!
I want to ask you a question in return. Why do you want to “make” a man love you? You said you have plenty of men who are interested in you. Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy where you don’t have to work so hard for his attention? Relationships are soooooo much more fun that way!
Imagine having a relationship with a guy who is inspired by you, just because of who you are. He knows you are the best thing that has ever happened to him. He knows he wants to spend every single day with you and talk with you, hang out and laugh, create memories together. There is NOTHING stopping him from wanting to get to know you and be with you and fall in love with you. Isn’t that what you want? Don’t you want it to be natural for a man to feel this way about you instead of having to use “psychology tricks” or trying to change a guy?
Let’s look at this from a different perspective as well. If you think about it, when you spend all of this energy to try to get a guy’s attention, trying to use tricks to get a man to love you, all you are thinking about is yourself. You are not thinking about what HE needs, what is good for HIM and it doesn’t matter to you whatever it is that he feels about you….you are only thinking about yourself and getting what you want from him. You basically want what you want, which is for him to fall in love with you and help you with your career, and that is what you care about….yourself only. What about him and what he feels? Don’t his feelings matter? Don’t his needs matter? The guys probably spends 90% of his life with people wanting something from him. His money, his connections, his power, his sex appeal, his fame. I’m sure he craves to be around people who actually know him and like him for who he really is….his quirks, his humanness, his messiness, his wonderful little habits that make him unique etc. Truth is, you have no idea who he is and whether or not you actually like him because you have spent so little time together. You have very little information about him, yet you want him to fall in love with you because you want to use him for your career and whatever else he can offer to enhance your life. You, of course, have every right to take that approach and live your life that way. But something tells me that you are interested in a deeper experience with a man. Yes??
Yes, a guy’s intention ALWAYS matters. Yes, there are ways that can work (it depends on the situation) that can shift how a guy feels, but bottom line, it is so crucial to RESPECT how someone feels and behaves, whether or not you agree with it or like it. Having respect for how they feel, means that you ACCEPT who they are and not try to change them. That is one of the most important things to remember always. Every single person on this earth deserves to be cared for and respected for their choices and how they feel. Basically, you are wanting this guy to love you and meet your needs, because you won’t do it for yourself. It’s YOUR job to love you, not his.
There is a lot to say on this subject, so I’ll stop there and let you think about all of this. We will keep talking, as this is a GREAT subject you brought up. A lot of people struggle with the same thing.
Heidi
Hi Heather,
I’m glad to hear you have a lot of patience. I do want to caution you. I understand you both have an instant, effortless connection with each other, which feels so wonderful! You are doing a great thing by being patient and letting him decide the pace of everything.
The caution is about his lack of communication. It’s very important that actions and words line up. Yes, some people say things but do not do things….it sounds like your guy does things, but doesn’t say much. That can be just as much of an issue in relationship. Actions AND words need to exist in a relationship. Communication is always the top 1 or 2 reasons for divorce, so being comfortable with using words is CRUCIAL to the success of a relationship. I’m can see where you would get wrapped up in all the wonderful things he does for you and how he treats you, but I guarantee over time, your soul will crave words from him as well. Having the strength to say what you think and feel at any given time, is part of what it means to be authentic. Imagine being in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t talk much. He may show you how he feels by doing things, but you actually don’t hear it very often and you actually don’t hear a lot of thoughts….therefore you really don’t know him very well. This could go on for years!!!
I’m not saying at all that you shouldn’t pursue this with him, I’m just wanting you to go into it with open eyes and be aware of the potential of the challenges you face.
Have you ever read “The 5 Love Languages?” I think that might help you understand him better as well and also understand yourself and your needs. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Heidi
Absolutely! Whenever ANYONE says anything about the future, it’s good for that moment and that’s about it, because anything can happen. I’m sure he felt that way when he was saying it, but it sounds like sooooo many things have become stressful for him, that you don’t matter anymore. Men are particularly unreliable when their work life becomes a mess. I have experienced this over and over and over again…a great connection, everything going well and then something happens with their work and they become distant, distracted and completely unavailable. That’s when I leave. I need to honor them and know they have things to take care of and I need to honor myself by saying NO to being ignored, stood up, feeling like the last thing on their mind. There is a lot of science behind why this happens with men and their jobs, but I won’t get into that now.
This is not about him though. This is about you allowing yourself to be fighting for a guy who is not available. Maybe someday when things settle down, he will be available. If he wants to connect with you, he will.
You need to go live your life and value yourself enough to not be treated this way. You are abandoning yourself to a fantasy and not accepting who he is right now. You keep holding onto what he WAS, but it’s not longer true. What he said in December is no longer true. It was true for that moment and I’m sure he had the best of intentions, but it’s not true now and that is what you have to deal with. The future is uncertain. So your job is to live your fullest life possible NOW and that means letting this guy go. Your focus on him is preventing you from living your life. Once you let go, you will begin to see a much bigger world out there! If he ever wants to get you back at some point, then he has to make the effort and reach out…plain and simple. And when a guy wants something, he will go after it. By setting standards and expecting to be treated a certain a way, you will attract a guy who aligns with that. This guy does not.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ana!
Wow! It usually is not that easy! lol. I’m so glad you were able to connect into the truth about the situation. I just want to warn you….don’t be surprised if you get drawn back into him and wanting him back. It can be a super rollercoaster ride when trying to separate from someone you thought was “the one.” Maybe you won’t go through that, but if you do….don’t be surprised. It’s a process to let go of a dream you created around someone.
So now that you have connected more to yourself, tell us more about how you feel about yourself? You abandoned yourself so you could connect with this guy. Is this a pattern of yours?
Heidi
Hi Sharon!
Great to hear from you again! I’m so glad to hear that you are connecting deeper with yourself. It sounds like you found a good “happy spot” when he returned from Dubai. Well done with you sticking to your plans and not re-arranging your life for him!!!
As far as that group, they can be sooooo helpful! It’s much more than people sharing their feelings. What happens with groups is people admitting to their struggles, having support for those struggles, being validated and seen AND being held accountable. In groups, you don’t really get to hide (if your committed to participating). You allow people to see you and your deepest struggles while everyone else is doing the same. It can be really powerful if the group leader is a good one and group feels like a good fit. I would suggest to give it a shot for at least 2 months. Get past all of your resistance and go. Sometimes that resistance is a way to sabotage your growth. If you give it a good run and still feel it’s pointless and not doing much for you, then you can maybe find another group that feels like a better fit or try a different direction.
My guess is, the polyamory thing might have scared him a bit. Even though you aren’t pushing his boundaries and respecting whatever it is that he wants, he still has to deal with the idea that you are someone that is comfortable for that. It’s tough for a guy to imagine the women he is with, having sex with anyone but him. Since a sex party is something you are comfortable with and he isn’t, he is going to have judgements about that…towards himself and towards you about what that means. Then you invited him to a pool party with people from that circle. Even thought it wasn’t a sex party, there is still going to be that vibe. I personally would not have wanted to go either, being that I would know that most of the people there have had sex with each other, which means there is a unique underlying bond between the people, there could be people that would be looking at me and thinking that I might be a new “prospect”, it’s a pool party which means people with a polyamorous viewpoint are walking around half naked which makes the sexual energy higher AND I would also wonder (if I were your date) how many of these people you had slept with already (not so fun for a guy to be meeting a bunch of people his girl has been with). It’s not like going to just any ol’ party. So, I’m guessing he might have had some of those types of feelings and didn’t want to own up to it. He needed to be honest with you. Can you understand that despite the invitation saying it was not a sex party, how he still might be uncomfortable and feel like it still might be too sexual for him?
Did he apologize for bailing on lunch with you???
It sounds like he is really pulling away. How do you feel about just being very direct and saying “Listen, I don’t know what has happened. We are no longer connecting and it’s obvious something has changed for you. Are you willing to just have a conversation about it and clear the air? Let’s both just be upfront and get back on the same page, whether it’s together or it’s time to create an ending.”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
Oh I’m so sorry! Of course this hurts like hell. You guy are living in a gray zone where there is very little understanding about what is happening and no clarity about the exact direction you are heading in with each other.
First and foremost, you need to deal with the hurt by facing it inside of yourself.
The babysitter doesn’t matter at this point. You are giving her quite a bit of power by asking him about her several times. Complete honesty from him is not the kind of relationship you have with each other right now. You are not a couple. You guys are technically friends…but obviously the emotions run much deeper than that. I think it would be a good idea to set some boundaries. He is right when he put boundaries up and not wanting to talk about the babysitter or whether he is dating or not. That is not a topic that is up for discussion UNLESS there is a clear agreement about you guys staying committed to each other while working through this stuff. Right now, that is a choice you are making and sounds like he is making, but that’s all it is….is a choice…it is not a commitment.
I know it hurts. I don’t know what is going on for him right now, but what needs to be dealt with is your hurt and confusion. You are investing ALL of your energy into this relationship and I think what just happened is that you got a big reality check. You got caught up in the fantasy of how things could be and lost track of how things really are. Your dream just got shattered and that’s why it hurts so much.
Once you deal with the hurt of all of this, THEN you can decide what is best for you. Your therapist can definitely do some EMDR to help you through this and create some clarity.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is to feel rejected and not valuable. It’s awful! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us.
First, I want to reflect back to you what you are saying:
You were with someone who you felt like was “the one” and then became distant, uninterested and is ignoring you. I’m curious, what makes you feel like he is “the one” for you, considering how you feel around him?
The only thing you are responsible for in all of this, is you are abandoning YOURSELF. You felt ignored and not connected and you chose to go on Tinder instead of using your voice and working through it with him. You are still choosing to stay connected to a guy who is not forgiving and behaving like a child by ignoring you instead of talking with you like an adult. All you are focused on is what you did wrong and that you want to get him back. Are you sure you want a guy like that back in your life? Are you sure you want to keep fighting for a relationship where you felt ignored and distant from him??
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for sharing all those details! We are glad you are here. It’s a GREAT question you are asking.
First, if you understand that people around you are a reflection for you, you will understand that you are attracting a certain kind of person to help you on your path of growth.
Here is an analogy….imagine we are all born as big, bright, sparkly diamonds. We each are different sizes and shapes. Then life starts to happen and hurt and abandonment and neglect and rejection all start to show up in our lives. Those heavy emotions are like sticky tar that gets thrown onto our diamond. The kind of environment we grew up in will determine how much tar a person gets on their diamond. Then we enter adulthood and finally have the ability to create our own lives and environment….EXCEPT, we are creating our world with a bunch of tar stuck to our diamonds. That tar represents all of the hurts and emotional wounds that have never been dealt with. That tar mostly lives in the subconscious and people typically are not aware of how much that tar is influencing the decisions they make in their lives and the people they attract. Soooooo…..the only difference between you and me and the next person, is how much tar we are carrying around. When we pick certain people to be our friends / romantic partners, we will attract people that have somewhere around the same amount of tar that we have. This is where the saying “Like attracts like” applies. It doesn’t mean you have the same issues. It means you both are carrying around a similar amount of hurt and pain from the past. And we also tend to attract the people that reflect our own issues. So a victim of abuse will attract an abuser, an addict will attract someone who has a VERY HIGH need to rescue, a narcissist will attract a co-dependent…..so this is where the “opposites attract” saying comes in.
Does this make sense?? There is A LOT to say about your question with many, many layers to it, so I’ll stop with this and see if this makes sense.
To summarize, you have some unresolved wounds, pain etc. that you are not connected to. When you dig in deep and face whatever it is that hasn’t been dealt with emotionally, it will change everything about you. Your diamond will start to show through more and you will attract a different kind of man AND you will be attracted to a different kind of man. Being that most of the tar is subconscious and people aren’t aware of it, the way we know SOMETHING is there, is by looking at symptoms and patterns in our lives. Those are the clues that something is happening deeper inside that is influencing how and what is happening in our lives.
Hopefully I’m not confusing you too much!
Heidi
Hi Heng,
You can do try this whenever you feel like you are able to stick to what you are saying you are going to do. So that means, when you say it, you CANNOT contact him anymore. If you go back on your word, whatever respect he does have for you will go away. Men need to know that a woman is her word and she does what she says she is going to do. If you keep contacting him after telling him you won’t anymore, then he won’t believe anything you say.
My guess is, right now he doesn’t have much respect for you. He can do whatever he wants, he can communicate with you with just emojis and barely any words and he knows that at any time he wants, he can show up at your doorstep and you will welcome him with open arms. That means he doesn’t have much respect for you because you are allowing him to treat you this way. He is not available for you, but you keep holding onto something that doesn’t exist anymore. Men do not respect that. A man wants a woman who has standards and expects him to treat her like she is the best thing that ever happened in his life. A man wants a woman that can hold him accountable to how he behaves in the relationship. A man wants a woman who says what she really means and does what she says she is going to do.
This is where I want to guide you towards really looking inside yourself. You are allowing yourself to be ignored. You are chasing a guy who doesn’t have feelings for you. Any person who chases after someone who doesn’t have the same feelings, has to really question what they are doing. This tells me you don’t have a lot of love for YOURSELF if you keep holding onto a guy who doesn’t have feelings for you and barely talks to you. Whatever this guy means to you, you don’t mean the same to him. So what is causing you to keep chasing him? He is giving you NO signals that he wants to be with you again or that there is any hope. How come you keep pursuing a guy who doesn’t have feelings for you anymore?
Heidi
Hi Heng,
Yes, superstars can fall in love AND many don’t. Sooooo many superstars end up “falling in love” but I would venture to guess that they have a harder time with it than most, because they are famous. They have thousands of people idealizing them, using them, having no clue who they really are therefore making all kinds assumptions about who they are. They may find someone who catches their attention and may even make an attempt at marriage, but rarely succeed. Their marriage is far from private and is very stressful. That’s why many superstars marry another superstar…because it’s the easiest way to deal with the incredible amount of stress it brings into life.
The divorce rate these days is over 50%. I would venture to guess in the superstar arena it would waaaay higher….closer to 70-80%.Regardless, the techniques we talk about with hooking someone through text, there needs to be a relationship that exists. You don’t have a relationship with him. If he had any interest in having you in his life, when you stopped texting for 1 month, he would have initiated contact with you. He would have reached out. So far, from what you are saying, he is making zero effort to connect with you. There is no relationship or connection. It’s basically you making 100% of the effort, so there is no text you can send him to get him to get him to see you differently.
The truth is, you have no idea who this guy is. You don’t know what his silly, little habits are, you don’t know what he is afraid of in life, he could get verbally or physically abusive when he is angry enough….you don’t know him! So what you have done is built a fantasy about who he is in your mind and you have chosen to focus all of your attention on him and shut everyone else out. This is what happens to famous people all of the time. Only the people who are on the “inside” of their lives, truly know how human and messed up they are….the best and worst qualities about them.
If you really want to test this out though, then you can say something like this, “Hey. I just want to create closure, more for myself than anything. I won’t be contacting you anymore. I have been trying to get to know you but it’s just not a mutual feeling and that’s okay. I had a great time with you and have some fun memories, so thank you. I wish you all the best!”
See what he does with that. He will confirm what you said by either sending an another emoji or saying something to the effect of “thanks, I wish you all the best as well.” OR…if he doesn’t agree with what you are saying, he will do what he can to pull you back in and connect with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
I understand Tracy. Have you ever heard of the “twin flame?” Look it up!
I had an experience like yours in a breakup 10 years ago. It was the most intense pain I had ever felt in a breakup. I was so depressed, I cried all the time, I barely ate for a month. It was even a good breakup! It was healthy, necessary, respectful and kind. We remained friends (we worked together) and always treated each other really well. I believe he was my “twin flame” which is why separating from him was the most intense experience I have ever had…even to this day.
Whether or not he was TRULY my “twin flame” it was time to separate and I had to get through it. I wish twin flames were a guaranteed “love of your life” situation, but it just isn’t. Many times they don’t work actually. Understanding the depth of your connection however, can give you some peace as to why you are struggling so much.It’s okay that you are having a hard time with this. It’s going to be a rollercoaster ride for a bit. You HAVE to feel whatever comes up and release it. Like I said, it’s important to LET THE FEELINGS OUT vs. bury them. It’s the only way to handle this in a healthy way. If you keep it all buried and just try to shut off all of the feelings, they just get buried. All of those buried feelings will definitely get in the way of your next relationship, even if it is him. So feel what you need to feel and talk about it, write about it, let it out and THEN keep telling yourself it’s over. Part of this is getting your brain to be re-programmed that it’s over. Your brain is very used to feeling and thinking a certain way with him. Studies have shown that breaking up from someone is like trying to get off cocaine, from the brain’s perspective. You have to re-train your brain to behave differently. So each time you see a picture of him when you close your eyes, you can say to yourself, “I release you. It’s over.” “I send you love and light. It’s over.” “I choose goodness into you. It’s over” You will have to say something like that a million times, but it’s what is necessary for you to start to get a grip and be able to function more.
You can also watch movies that are encouraging as well. It’s a good brain break and it also can give your heart some reprieve watching the main character survive and role model what will happen. “Under the Tuscan Sun” is one of my favorite breakup movies.
Be kind to yourself. Take baths, buy a bunch of flowers and put them around your house, go to a shelter or a pet store and interact with the animals, put on a pretty dress and do yourself up and go out, make yourself your favorite meal and light candles and put your very favorite movie on….BE GENTLE and COMPASSIONATE with yourself every step of the way! You can also bombard yourself with videos / podcasts etc. like the one below, where you are listening to someone who is encouraging you and makes you feel good.
Here is a video about trust: https://www.amazon.com/Mans-Guide-Women-Scientifically-Secrets/dp/1623361842/ref=asc_df_1623361842/?tag=bingshoppinga-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid={creative}&hvpos={adposition}&hvnetw=o&hvrand={random}&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl={devicemodel}&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=&hvtargid=pla-4583795260679117&psc=1
Your goal is to heal. It doesn’t mean it’s closing the door to the possibility of a future with him, but the reality is, RIGHT NOW, you are separated and that is what needs to be dealt with. If you guys ever do come back together, you will be healthier for it because you worked through all of the hurt and disappointment and you will have an inner strength that you didn’t have before…because you dealt with the pain and hurt. It’s developing the SKILL of being resilient….and that is a skill you will need for the rest of your life.
Heidi
