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HI Hampton,
I also thought this would be a really good read for you!!! It’s a super short book, but very very powerful!!! I think it’s important for you to learn how to make a relationship successful. If a relationship is going to work, be sustainable and enjoyable, there are certain qualities that need to exist. Check it out!! I know it’s a book written for men, but women get just as much benefit!
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
It sounds like you are quite committed to really wanting to be with this regardless of how he treats you.
You can decide what you want, of course, but I want to point something out to you.
Everything you said above was “I can’t.” Here is a saying I want you to consider: “Whether you think you can or can’t…you’re right.”
You are giving all of your power away to him. You CAN do whatever you decide to do. You CAN get over him, once you decide that you don’t want to be treated that way anymore. Just because you feel different with him, compared to any other guy you have ever met, it doesn’t mean you need to pursue him or do anything with it. I know the “feeling” you have for him is incredibly strong, but those feelings are walking you into a relationship where you will end up emptying out yourself to fill him up and make him happy and losing yourself.
You are perfect just as you are. You don’t need to be anything or anyone other than who you are. Why is HIS version of “perfect” what matters? Why are you not perfect just as you are???
I’m curious what your family was like and your relationships with your parents. Would you be willing to share more about this with us?
What I would like to invite you to do right now…is to just wait a bit. Before you really decide to make all the effort to bring him back into your life, it might be good for you to get more education and gather more info. first. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
It sounds like you are finding yourself again! You are finding your value, your inner strength, your ability to be resilient. Well done! It’s not an easy path!
I find that all of those painful moments (from your teacher to your guy to anyone else who doubted you) are such wonderful moments for growth. Those moments show us about ourselves. You gave your power away to that teacher. You didn’t listen to what anyone else was telling you….you focused on what your teacher was saying and gave her the power to define your self worth. It was important for you to learn from that and also to find yourself again…which makes you even stronger! Same with your guy….you needed to find yourself again. You were giving your power away to him and now you are finding it again.
As far as doubting yourself, it’s very human to doubt yourself every once in awhile. No one on this planet is accurate and “right” 100% of the time. Having doubt is healthy. It’s good to take a step back and really evaluate what your intuition is telling you sometimes. It’s also pretty normal to be able to help other people through difficult times and then when you find yourself in the same situation, all that wonderful wisdom goes out the window. It just shows you that you are being triggered and emotions are really high…therefore you are not able to follow all the advice you would give….you have to deal with the emotions FIRST and then you can start to make healthier choices for yourself. I’ve done the very same thing many, many times. I get it. No matter how much I know about what I am supposed to do, my other emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Oh well! It’s all good! What I do know is that those moments will pass and I will figure it out and get back to my center once I focus on myself and deal with all my triggers.
You are doing a great job Tracy. Keep your eyes on yourself and keep connecting to the truth about who you are. Whether he comes around or not, you will be okay and still create the kind of life you want!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I see your point about J. Maybe he felt deflated and decided to stop giving it so much energy. Plus, changing jobs can definitely occupy the mind quite a bit…or maybe he did meet someone new. Who knows. My question to you is, does it matter? Do you actually really like him? Are you really wanting to get to know him more?
I don’t have the impression that you really were interested in him. It seemed like there was a little something there, but not much. Am I mistaken?
It sounds like you are really connecting with P. Do you like him? Are you enjoying your exchanges? Or is he just someone to keep you company for now? Or maybe you need to gather more info. first before you really know….
Heidi
Hi Linda!
Thank you for sharing more details! This is helpful.
I’m glad you are feeling happy and that your relationship is functioning this way. I do have a caution with this guy because of what he is saying when he is drunk. Alcohol exposes what is behind all those walls people put. It can behave like a truth serum. What he is saying when he is drunk is valid. He can apologize all he wants, but the problem is, he is not dealing with how he feels. He is split. He has 1 part of him that truly loves being with you and feels confident to even move in with you and create a life with you. Another part of him does not. Even him asking you why you love him and needing re-assurance from you sometimes is a symptom of that part of him speaking when he is drunk. Obviously the part of him that loves you, is stronger than the part that is holding all that low self esteem and not feeling worthy. It will come out though and affect your relationship. It may take a few years, who knows. He needs to deal with that side of him that doesn’t feel worthy. I know you don’t recognize it when he is sober. That doesn’t mean anything. When I was in my 20’s, I faked things ALL the time! I was always living a very split life with boyfriends. A part of me wanted to be with them and a part was terrified to deeply love. THEY NEVER KNEW. NO ONE KNEW. I didn’t want to give that fearful part any authority, so even when I had all of those thoughts and feelings of wanting to run, I hid it. Eventually though, I would sabotage one way or another.
So, is he the kind of guy who is willing to explore what is happening for him with the self doubt? Is that something you can talk to him about?
As far as your friends go, I think it’s important that you validate how they feel. You and your guy are at different stages in life (generally speaking). There is A LOT of development that happens, especially through the 30’s that you have already been through. Obviously you can relate to him, but they are struggling a bit. They are your friends and family. I think it could be healing and helpful if you all actually talked about it in a real way. So you can say something like, “Okay….I want to hear how you are feeling about this. What is your concern about the age difference? What are you afraid is going to happen?” I imagine that they are afraid you will get hurt and that at some point as you age and he isn’t, he may turn his attentions to a younger woman or something. That is a valid thought and concern and maybe you just validating that for them is all they need. Maybe they just need you to hear their concerns. You can always say something like this in return…”I understand how you feel. It makes sense and I’ve thought about that before. Reality is though, ANY relationship is a risk. Age difference or not, any man I choose to build my life with, could instantly get up and walk out. That’s the truth isn’t it? There could be all kinds of things that could go wrong with any guy. So….I’m choosing not to focus so much on what “could” happen and just keeping my attention on the present. And in the present, I love how I feel when I am with him. We laugh a lot, we talk a lot, he is my best friend. I am happy. So…that means I’m going to enjoy being happy RIGHT NOW and not worry about the future. Isn’t that what you want for me? To be happy? If I get hurt, I will deal with it. I will forgive, heal and get myself back up because I am resilient. I would love for you guys to get to know him a little better. How about you just give him a chance. How about you guys stay open to the idea for a few months and meet him a few times. Gather more information about him, see us together and THEN form your opinions. Your opinions are valuable to me and I want to hear them, but your opinions need to be based on experience with him and us together. You guys don’t know him and he is being judged by a number. So are you guys willing to give him a chance and then in a few months, we can meet for lunch and talk more about this???”
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Wow! I’m so glad to hear that everything went back to normal and it’s all good! How are you feeling about that??
I’m happy to hear that you have done some work on yourself in the past. Maybe it’s time to dive in again. I have seasons like that…where I will have a good rest period and then all of a sudden, crap shows up again and I can tell I need to shed more layers and I call my therapist and we get to work again.
It’s normal for a woman’s mind to think “what if.” Your heart truly desires a deep, intimate, safe, authentic and nourishing relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have had that experience quite yet and your friend was the closest possibility. I’m glad you guys made the decision that you did, because you would have had a big battle on your hands, trying to hold your heart back. That’s no fun!!!
Was everything I shared before too much? I never intend to cause someone to feel bad, but it sometimes happens. It’s part of my learning process as well. If it was ineffective in any way, my apologies! Technology can be a difficult place to express intense things.
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
I’m so glad it isn’t broken!!! You definitely need to get it shifted back into proper position. I’m glad you have an osteopath to help you with that!!!
Okay…so I’m kind of thinking BOTH guys are putting in very little effort. I would stay silent a bit with pizza guy. He needs to make the effort. He needs to be reaching out and confirming with you and solidifying plans. Does he ever initiate anything in between? Any regular conversation at all??
The other buy obviously isn’t putting in any effort. He isn’t that interested. Who knows why, but reality is, he isn’t putting any fuel in the tank, so are you willing to just let it go and create closure?
Hi Sharon,
How are you doing?? Anything happening? Did you talk more to that guy? Have you made a decision to move forward without him or have you guys found more common ground? We would love an update!!!
Heidi
HI Veronica,
Just checking in….how are you doing?? Have you checked out The Relationship Rewrite yet? Do you have more questions? We would love to talk more about this with you!
Heidi
HI Samantha!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. You asked a really great question. We would love to hear back from you and see how things are evolving for you. Did you find the answers you were looking for? What are you learning about yourself?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. What did you decide to do? Do you have anymore questions?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing! Did you end up letting him go? What is the update? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I’m just checking in to see how you are doing. How are you feeling about what we are talking about here? Do you have more questions, insights etc.? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
So what has happened so far? Has J or P responded to your invites? How the heck is your tailbone? What was the diagnosis?
Updates please! I’m sure you have some fun stuff to share like always 🙂
Heidi
