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Hi Michelle!
I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It is incredibly difficult to watch the love of your life walk out and completely disconnect. I’m sure your heart is really hurting and you are trying to find ways to make the pain go away.
It sounds like you are probably right about him being afraid of commitment. Do you have any understanding about what his childhood was like? What did his parents role model for him?
This is really important for you to understand. His commitment fears are not something YOU can help him fix. I know you want to of course, but when fear is THIS big, he is the only one who can truly deal with it. Even if you were to somehow get back together, you guys would end up right back where you are right now. The stories, the lies, the fears that are running his life are much bigger than any love he feels for you or anyone else – and that means that if he is ever going to change that dynamic, he has to step into his fears and work with them, work with the stories he has running in his system about love and intimacy and start to make some different decisions. This level of fear is NOT something that can be fixed by simply him making a different decision and you are there to support him through it. This is a fear he has lived with every day for many, many years and it will only continue to grow and get stronger as time goes on until he decides to deal with it. That is HIS journey and until he does that, he will not be able to take a long love journey with anyone.
This has nothing to do with you and is not something you can help him fix. If he is going to be a good partner for anyone, he has to face himself first. Otherwise, he will just keep disconnecting and sabotaging and leave you hanging. For a relationship to work long term, BOTH people need to have the strength and self-esteem to face their fears otherwise it will never last. Love is the most powerful trigger in existence and it will unearth everything we all love to hide from. It sounds like he is just not the kind of person who is willing to face his fears and that means he does not have what it takes to be the love of your life long term.
I know this is not what you want to hear. Your heart is hurting and you want him back. The no contact approach is your best bet at getting him back. Why? Because he has to be in enough pain to finally make a different choice. I’m not sure he will allow himself to feel the deep loss of you though. If he said he fell out of love with you 3 months ago, then his system shut down – and when that happens…he is truly TERRIFIED, but doesn’t even know it. I used to be like that. I at least had a mother who pointed it out and I had enough awareness to recognize my pattern. And I will tell you from experience as well as what we know about how the psyche works…when someone shuts off love…they are in an incredible amount of fear and carrying a TON of baggage full of pain, hurt, trauma etc.
For this guy to be 39 and still afraid of love and commitment, tells you that he would rather stay in relationship with his baggage and all the fear that is ruining his life – than to face it and feel love.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
As much as your heart is hurting, you are courageous. You took a chance again, after some very intense traumas and even though this guy didn’t work, he still was a better choice than your last ex, right? That reflects your growth! Have compassion for yourself. You have been through a lot and your heart is hurting again and it’s normal and it’s okay! You have a GIANT heart and that means that one of the MOST IMPORTANT skills you could ever learn for yourself, is how to protect it…and you started that process already.
I know you are in a place of hurting again, which is a wonderful reminder of how you don’t ever want to feel this way again…and that makes you much more discerning. You don’t have to think about opening up again right now. You just need to love yourself through this and be kind to yourself. He had a lot of wonderful qualities that you loved getting to experience AND it’s actually VERY VERY normal for women, in particular, to ignore the red flags. We are built to be connectors…it’s in our DNA…so we end up choosing the beauty of connection, regardless of the red flags. We ALL have this tendency to make excuses for the red flags we see…and then we end up where you are now…with a broken heart. So what you did was VERY normal and now…it’s time to heal again and become even stronger. You made it through your last experience and this time is NOTHING compared to what you already went through…so you can do this!! One day at a time.
Finding a therapist is always a great idea! If you are interested, I’m happy to share my Coach’s info. with you. She is BRILLIANT with this kind of stuff and her methods work very fast – as long as you are open and ready to heal. She works with people all over the country via video or phone. Let me know if you want her number and I’ll email it to you.
Otherwise, every single day, look around and find things you can be grateful for…to help counteract the depression, the hurt, the hopelessness etc. If that’s all you look at, it’s sooooo easy to sink and then not want to be here anymore. So EVERY SINGLE DAY…celebrate even the smallest thing. You can walk, you are not in a wheelchair, you are able to think because you don’t have Alzheimers, you are able to take a shower whenever you want because you don’t live in a 3rd world country….there are soooooo many things to be thankful for. Fight for more Kristy. You are worth it! Even though this guy doesn’t think so, HE doesn’t get to decide that for you. DO NOT give him the power to decide your value!!! Ask for help from your friends and have them tell you about your greatness, your beautiful heart, your kindness, your strength, your courage, your ability to deeply connect and be a good listener…and so much more.
Stay connected here and keep writing and vent, ask questions, ask for encouragement, as for help…we are here too. You are NOT alone!!!
Heidi
Hi Gee,
It sounds like although this is hard, you are at peace about the process and in a space of trust and acceptance. This is wonderful and the most powerful mindset to have anytime there are changes. Well done! He is lucky to have you and vice versa.
I also want to encourage you to stay connected to your process as well. Going from loving him romantically to being best friends is NOT something that can truly happen. It takes time to heal from the loss, which requires separation. Best friends is a level of intimacy that will keep romantic feelings alive. So just be aware of the path you both are on. It may become too much for you to stay connected and be there for him or vice versa. Or it may be okay. Who knows. Just make sure to be honest with yourself and take one day at a time. You both have been connected for soooooo long and even though you guys are breaking up, staying best friends is a way to avoid the true separation and pain of the loss of each other. So just be aware that stepping back into “best friends” is going to hurt. What if he starts dating someone else? Or what if he is less responsive than normal? Or what if he holds back more than he used to? It’s going to reflect to you what you don’t have with him anymore. You get to take this journey of course and you will learn about yourself and what feels okay and what doesn’t work for you. So again…I’m just reminding you to stay connected to what your needs are and have the strength to disconnect from him should it start to hurt too much being in the friend zone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It sounds like you guys had a really beautiful beginning and transition into becoming romantic. It also sounds like there is good, healthy, open communication when times get a little sticky…so those are wonderful foundations!
It also sounds like he knows how to ask for space. He did it before and now he is doing it again. I’m guessing when his stress level gets high enough, he needs to withdraw and go into his “cave” so he can process everything…alone. It’s definitely scary, isn’t it? Especially when it’s long distance. It’s okay though. He was clear that his work has been stressful and got laid off and like I said…that can literally cause a man to completely fall apart – which means he has little to no capacity for his partner. Don’t take it personal. Remember that he is in survival mode right now. It sounds like it would be okay to reach out every couple of days so he knows you are still there and supporting him from a distance. Maybe send some funny videos, send him job opportunities, send him encouragement, send him “I love yous” etc. Use your intuition. You DO NOT want to ask about the status of your relationship or how he feels about you or if you did something wrong etc. TRUST HIS PROCESS. Let him go through this the way he needs to and he will emerge when he is ready. THEN…when he is more stable and present and connected, you guys can have a conversation about how to navigate a stressful situation in the future. Him completely pulling away is SUPER tough on you and he needs to know that. Try and find some common ground so you BOTH are able to stay connected and secure in the relationship, even in the midst of separation. But again, wait to talk about all of that once he is more secure in a new job and new direction.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Gee,
Oh man, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Men are not very good at relationships when their career is in an upheaval. It’s incredibly hard for a woman to sit by and deal with her man disconnecting from her, especially when she can be the best support. It’s just not how a lot of men operate.
Men are typically defined by their ability to “produce.” When that is taken away, they completely lose themselves and all aspects of their life go into upheaval. For women, it’s our ability to “connect.” That’s why we are the relationship caretakers. We can lose a job and feel okay heavily relying on our connections whereas a man tends to pull away, go into a cave and try to put a plan together, while not thinking about anybody but himself. We are just built differently, that’s all.
I’m curious, have you guys ever met in person? How long have you been together? LDR makes all of this sooooo incredibly difficult, because you can’t be in the same space which makes it easier for him to receive your help. Although, he might push you away regardless. When you guys have had arguments, does he tend to push you away and put his walls up??
For now, you can send small, short, CONCISE messages letting him know that you are still there – maybe once every couple of days. Hopefully he will emerge soon and want to re-connect. Otherwise, it’s just a waiting game, because it’s on his terms right now. He has to want to keep the relationship and maybe that won’t happen until he finds a new job – I don’t know.
Heidi
Hi Maribel,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question. Unfortunately, there is no real answer, because every couple and every person in the couple is different.
Here is something to think about. One of the top reasons why relationship don’t last is because of how they treat each other during stressful times. Poor communication, ghosting, stonewalling, criticizing etc. are all types of behaviors that break trust and emotional safety and are doses of poison to a relationship and eventually becomes much stronger than the love that exists. Love is never enough to keep a couple together. That actually is rarely the problem or challenge. Love is like a flower. You have to keep its environment clean – keep the weeds away, keep the insects from eating it, water it, feed it etc. Otherwise, the environment will eventually win out and kill the flower.
Instead of letting your love for him determine whether or not you want to keep fighting for him, let the environment around the flower tell you. It sounds like the constant fighting – the weeds – are overtaking the love – the flower. So it’s more about looking at the real dynamics behind the constant fighting…on your side of the equation. You can’t take that journey for him, as that’s for HIM to figure out…if he wants. I used to have a boyfriend in a college where we were sooooo in love and electric, yet we fought all the time about the little stuff…4-5 times a day, it was ridiculous. We broke up and got back together so many times, it was comical. I also felt the same as you…he turned the smallest shit into an argument and it drove me nuts. I am not a fighter, but him and I together…man we were fireworks…both in a beautiful and a not so beautiful way. Eventually I had to walk away because there was no way I was going to live my life like that long term, no matter how much I loved him. Funny enough, 30 years later, he found me and we reconnected. The sparks were still crazy alive and instantly palpable AND given enough time, I saw that same pattern arising where we were heading into conflict. I realized that him and I together, no matter how great we were, was NOT going to be a peaceful easy thing…so for me…it was not worth working things out. I am more committed to a peaceful, nourishing type of relationship, not a firey, argumentative one. So you have to decide…what type of love do you want to experience? If you want to keep dealing with all the drama, then you are not done and want to fight for him. If you don’t want to support that kind of love, then it’s time for you to accept that it’s over. You cannot change him, so if you decide to stay, you are embracing WHO HE IS right now and not who he could be. If both of you were willing to learn and grow and shift the fighting energy, then there is potential there. Is that something he would be willing to do with you?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing a little more detail.
What happened that you “went off” on him? What boundary did you cross?
First, there are some pretty big red flags here. He said he didn’t have feelings for her, but then said he did and announced it to the world instead of talking to you about it. They were together 13 years and then no contact for 2 years – exactly what he is doing to you. He said she was a “narcissistic psycho who didn’t care about him at all” is a statement CLEARLY showing you he still has a TON of negative feelings about her that sound pretty resentful – this is a guy who can’t let go and forgive. It’s also a statement that is very “victim.” He is still quite wounded and has a pretty negative mindset that he is holding onto.
He has shut you out pretty quickly because you “crossed a boundary” – something that is pretty standard in relationships…we are all human and you guys are still getting to know each other so boundary crossing is part of the “stumbling” part as you both learn each other. He is being pretty black and white here and that is not a guy who is able to support a healthy, sustainable relationship.
I know you felt happy with him and felt like everything was really good between you guys. From what you are telling me though, this was inevitable. The internal baggage this guy is carrying, means he is not very emotionally available, forgiving or respectful towards you. I’m pointing these things out to you, because it’s important for you to connect to what IS NOT okay, to help you deal with this breakup. It’s VERY normal to spend all your waking hours thinking about him, but the problem is…you most likely are only seeing how good it was and NOT looking at the red flags about how he is handling all of this, how he has lied to you and how disrespectful he has been.
It doesn’t mean that things were not great too! I’m sure they were – AND – he is showing you a side to himself that is NOT okay as well. He is BOTH.
One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is being respectful towards each other during stressful times. How 2 people treat each other in their worst moments, will INSTANTLY make or break emotional safety and trust. If those are broken, then they need to be repaired before the relationship can stand on solid ground. I’m guessing you said some things during your upset that felt disrespectful for him. Maybe that is a pattern you have when you are upset – something for you to look at and start to work on, yes? And on the other hand, his response is also quite disrespectful…so isn’t it interesting that he pointed the finger at you for crossing his boundary, yet he turns around and posts to the world that he still has feelings for his ex – basically admitting that he lied to you all this time. Do you see the level of narcissism happening here on his side of things? I’m not saying he is a narcissist at all – I’m just saying his behaviors have that flavor to it.
So again…I’m only pointing out all the red flag stuff here to help you get grounded in the REALITY vs. living in fantasy all day about him, that just keeps you feeling tortured by the loss of him.
It’s going to take some time. Here area few ways to help yourself. Journal. It REALLY helps to actually write down whatever you are feelings…all of it! Light a candle and spend some time giving your feelings space to be expressed. During one of my hardest breakups, I would journal at night and then during the day, I had a digital recorder that I would pretend was him. I would talk into it ALL THE TIME!!! It’s so important to give your feelings a place to go. When your thoughts and feelings stay inside, they can grow emotional “mold” and become stagnant and toxic. Part of healing, is allowing them to MOVE…give them a place to go. Journaling, talking to friends, a therapist, venting here on this forum, talk into a recorder, dancing your feelings….all give a pathway for your feelings to be expressed and allow some space for healing.
I would also suggest to find some new activities to do. It helps you have some fun. Dance class? Art class? Hiking groups? Happy hour meetups? There are soooooo many activities available to you, so go meet some new people and learn how to do something really fun. You can go to Meetup.com. That’s a great platform for finding different groups in your area.
And lastly, you get over him by CHOOSING every single day to let go of the dream you created around him. Every single time you find yourself looping in some kind of story about you and him together, you STOP yourself and remind yourself of the reality…IT’S OVER. You will have to do that a hundred times a day at first, but when you let your mind just wander off about you and him and then hurt and cry and do it over and over again, you are NOT healing. You are looping. The way you stop looping is by putting truth into your mind. IT’S OVER. Say goodbye. If you want to heal, you have to get tough with yourself.
Here is a video that may help you understand what you are going through.
Heidi
Hi Kristy
Welcome to the forum! This must be really confusing for you and heartbreaking. It’s awful to find out his true feelings this way. It was pretty awful of him to do it in the way that he did…it was a very uncaring thing for him to do to you. I know your heart is hurting. Breakups are incredibly difficult.
Would you mind sharing more details about what happened? From what you shared, it doesn’t sound like there was anything missing from your relationship. It sounds like he is still in love with his ex…and that is NOT something you can fix or change. How long ago did they break up? How long did they go out? Was she the ex before you? Did he ever talk about what happened between them?
You said you know he still has feelings for you. How do you know that? When he said it can’t be fixed, does he mean his feelings for his ex aren’t going to change or was he referring to something else? I’m not sure if you guys discussed the dynamics of your relationship. Did he admit to not feeling happy or anything of that nature? Or is his heart just not available?
Heidi
It sounds like you feel complete here. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I’m honored. Keep up the good work. Dealing with mental health challenges is not easy AND you are learning so much. You are a fighter and you are doing great work. That keeps you empowered instead of being a victim, so well done! Come back anytime!
Heidi
Oh this is great news! I’m so glad you guys had a great time!!!
As far as talking about having sex, that part is up to you. There are 2 ways to approach it. First, say nothing. Don’t acknowledge it and don’t put any big meaning on it and don’t expect it to happen again. If it does, then great! You can talk about it at that point possibly.
The second option is to talk about it, but in a very specific way. Do not talk about the meaning of it. It’s important to understand that guys are much better equipped to have sex without meaning and be okay with it. I’m not saying that is what he did, but you still want to not put any pressure on him about feelings and getting back together. How do CAN talk about it though, is in relation to YOU and what you need. You can say something like, “Listen…the other night was so wonderful for me. It felt incredible to be connected with you again. I need to say though…I still have very strong feelings for you, so having sex is hard for me knowing that you are not ready to be with me again. I completely honor the space you are in and I need you to honor me in that I don’t want to have sex with you again, until you are really ready to step back in and give this another try. My heart just can’t take it otherwise….” Personally, I would say something like this. I think it’s very important that he knows that he can’t just connect with you like that anytime he wants and then walk away. That is you allowing him to use you and not pay attention to how it makes you feel. So setting this boundary puts him in check and is you protecting your beautiful and sacred heart. Sex with someone you love is NOT a casual thing and needs to be within a container you both agree upon. Plus, setting this boundary can absolutely increase his respect for you. When a girl who wants her man back says NO to sex…that tells the guy that she is not willing to do ANYTHING to get him back…that he still has to work for it and earn her her body and earn her intimacy. Does this make sense?
So it’s up to you!
Heidi
Oh I’m excited about him joining you at the wedding. I’m assuming it happened already. How did it go?
I love that you are feeling less and less of a need to have control over how things go between you guys. It’s a great lesson to learn and one that is useful for EVERYONE!!!
And yes, keep following his lead until it doesn’t serve you anymore. When and if it gets to that point, you will deal with it then. Until then, you are doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
Is that something I should do? To really think about what needs I have. Absolutely. If he does want to come back, then you have to be VERY clear about what it’s going to take to get back together. You both do not want to step back into the same design of relationship, so you BOTH need to be very clear about what a “new” relationship would look like. Talking about what does work and what doesn’t work is important…and to be on the same page about that. So your side of the equation is important. Be clear about what you NEED to happen if he is going to come back into your life, otherwise it will be very easy to fall back into old habits.
So…imagine having that conversation with him. What do you NEED differently from him in order to feel like the partnership is really working for BOTH of you?
Heidi
How are you doing? I know it’s a struggle not to interpret all his signals. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is taking the lead here and you just following is helping to build trust between you guys.
I’m trying to build confidence but he knows me and maybe sees that I’m faking it to make myself believe it too! It’s okay that he sees your insecurities. We ALL have them. A good partner sees them and accepts that part of ourselves. No need to fake it. It’s important to embrace your insecurities…own them! The healthy way to do that is just accepting it’s part of who you are and not putting your insecurities onto anyone else. So if you are feeling insecure in a moment, just say it, own it, laugh at it and love yourself through it.
Any update about the wedding?
Heidi
I don’t necessarily need much in a relationship and honestly all I look for is honesty, loyalty, humour and compassion. You need more than you realize…you’ve just never had to think about it this way.
What if you owned a company and you needed to hire someone to take care of the most valuable aspects of your company. Would all you require is humour, compassion, honesty and loyalty? Those are absolutely important aspects, but far from the full list of what you would need from someone you would trust to run your company. You need communication, you need someone who is good with people, you need someone who has a vision and knows how to make it happen, right? It’s the same exact principle when looking for a partner. A place to start is looking at all the aspects of life in general… health, money, family etc. There is a lot to look at in order to truly understand what your needs are, beyond your wants. So what kinds of qualities would you look for when searching for a partner to run your business WITH you?
Like it still feels like we’re in a relationship and happy. It sounds like a part of you may be in denial. It’s not unusual when not wanting to face something really difficult and it’s okay that you still feel that way sometimes. Next time you notice that feeling, bring that part of yourself into the reality of what is happening. It’s important to be fully in reality instead of being in part reality and part fantasy. Tell that part of yourself “It’s over. We are not together anymore and it’s going to be okay.”
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
