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Hi Nicole,
So how are you feeling about all that I have shared, aside from looking at the possibility of a couple’s therapist?
I said some things that may have been hard for you to hear. Are you rejecting it, absorbing it, thinking about it, not sure? What is your viewpoint about your relationship now? What are you going to do if he crosses your boundaries again? Any plan?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
It sounds like you are really figuring this out and getting some good clarity about how you can handle yourself differently. He is sooooo lucky to have you….someone who cares about how they affect him by taking responsibility for themselves. That is a rare quality!
You are owning your crap, you are waking up to new parts of yourself, you are learning new skills and you are communicating all of it with him. You are being a wonderful role model for him as well!
Keep having compassion for yourself. Even with all that I know and understand about dating, relationships, men, myself etc….I still fall and stumble because I get triggered in some way. I just shake my head, brush off my knees and say, “Well…there’s a soft spot. Good to know it’s there…time to get to work :)” Whatever shows up for you is just information. Do not make it right or wrong or bad or good…it’s just information. Being in a relationship and being in love is like going to school. There are a lot of things you get to learn about yourself that only love can teach you. When you take the judgment out of the process and replace it with understanding and compassion for yourself, you will be able to offer your guy the exact same thing in return, as he stumbles and fumbles through “love school” as well.
You are doing an incredible job!!!
How did he respond to your messages that you shared above?
Heidi
Hi Tina!
Thank you for all that you have shared! We are really glad that you are here and sharing your story with us.
Here is the thing Tina. You want some type of guarantee from him….a commitment. Reality is, even with a commitment, he could do this again. You have the ability to up and leave because something has shifted inside of you. Relationships and love are a HUGE risk. There is no way around that. Even people who are together for 30 years break up. Commitment is a moment to moment choice, right?
Let’s look at this from a different perspective to help deal with the fear. You don’t trust him and feel safe with him emotionally. That means you are handing over your trust for HIM to take care of and behave in a certain way so you feel emotionally safe. THAT”S YOUR JOB, not his.
Trust needs to kept and taken care of by you. This is how that would look…”I trust myself that no matter what he decides to do or how he behaves, I WILL BE OKAY! I am resilient, I am strong, I am emotionally intelligent, I have people that can support me through my challenges. I TRUST IN MYSELF that I will be okay no matter what happens.” When you feel that way and put the focus on yourself, it takes all the pressure off of him to behave in a certain way so you can feel safe. When you hand your trust over to him, it’s like walking on a tight rope, 100 feet in the air, and you have given HIM the responsibility to make sure that safety net is under you. OF COURSE you are up there, scared to death and not wanting to move, because you don’t want to fall, because that safety net may or may not be there.
When you take care of your own emotional safety and trust, you are now walking on that tight rope with the GUARANTEE that safety net is there because YOU are the one that put it there. Now….you can relax more and have more peace as you take these risks with your heart.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I understand your thought process, but there is a big thing missing here and that is respect. You can set boundaries all you want. You already did set boundaries and he broke them and so did she. Which, btw, I would not advise talking to her anymore. This is between you and your guy, NOT HER. Bringing her into the situation can just make things so much more messy and you are trying to get her to care about you, when it’s your guy that needs to be doing that. It’s obvious neither of them care about how you are feeling. They both want what they want.
Neither of them are respecting you in this situation, because they don’t even respect themselves. So my question is, you want him to respect your boundaries, but when he crosses the line, then what? You have a guy who blames you for how he is feeling, you have a guy who is crossing your boundaries all over the place and then blames you for that too….yet you don’t want to be a doormat?? Let’s be realistic here….he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences and you have taught him that. You are not respecting yourself either.
I know you want a happy environment. I see that you are really making efforts to try and make that happen, but you need him participating and wanting the same things. Without him on the same page, you be a hamster in a hamster wheel. That’s why I am suggesting doing something different. You set boundaries, they got crossed again and again. The odds of him respecting your boundaries this time around are pretty low. If anything, he just might go underground and keep a lot of it a secret. There are some CORE issues here, for both of you that need to be looked at and exposed if you want that happy environment. Find a therapist that can help. I love http://www.gottman.com They have the MOST AMAZING and powerful couples advice! You can look up a therapist who is certified by them and maybe find one in your area. Or maybe go to a retreat they put on.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Linda!
It sounds like everything is clearing up for you! It sounds like you guys are doing really well and are solid! This makes me really happy! I love hearing how you 2 experience each other! The honeymoon phase CAN last a loooong time 😉
Keep us updated and let us know how the conversation goes with him. When is he supposed to move in?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Okay…this is making more sense now.
When he finally admitted to not being happy in the marriage, did this make sense to you? How did you feel about the marriage? My guess is, there was a lot less sex and intimacy, less connection to each other and the spark slowly went out. Can you see how this happened?
It’s a bummer that he didn’t communicate all of this from the beginning. That’s where he is responsible. You cannot do or change anything unless he communicates with you.
The point of seeing a therapist is they help hold you BOTH accountable, help you create a plan, create a safe space to honest, they proved objectivity and teach you skills you both can start to develop. It’s like going to see a specialist for something. Obviously, the talking and communicating is not working…so his reasons for not seeing a therapist don’t hold up. You both have a lot of feelings happening here and neither of you know how to navigate through them in a healthy way.
He is sending a clear message to you that you don’t matter. He is going to do what he wants and how you feel doesn’t matter. That is a problem here. Reality is…if the other woman WAS interested, they would be together. He would leave or have a secret affair. So there is a core issue here beyond him being angry at you. Which, btw….it’s not your fault that he is making this decision. Him blaming you for how things are turning out, just tells me he is either really narcissistic or extremely fragile and can’t handle being held accountable to a situation.
So what do you want Nicole? Let’s say his anger goes down and you guys start re-connecting again. What he has shown you and taught you is that if you make a stink about this on any level, he will disconnect. So if he connects again, it basically means you have to keep your mouth shut and let him do what he wants if you want to keep the peace.
Is that what you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Linda,
I just want to clarify something….we ALL have low self esteem and those holes and always will. He has reasons for having low self esteem just because he is a human being.
The issue isn’t that he has the holes…it’s about how he handles them. Before really giving your heart to someone, you have to really make sure that whoever they are in their worst moments, the most stressful moments, that they are kind and respectful towards you, themselves and others involved. That’s workable. If someone becomes abusive, they disconnect and won’t talk, they breakup etc….that’s not really workable and the person needs to do some deeper healing work so they can work through challenging moments in life in a healthier way.
I would also suggest the baby conversation BEFORE you even move in together. That’s a big step and that is really building a life together. You want to make sure you can be on the same page about that before starting to intertwine your lives.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Marina,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your struggles with us!
A little more detail would be helpful.
What does he say is the reason for why he keeps breaking up with you? After the snowboarding trip and hooking up there, he became even more distant? Did he say why? What is your current status….do you guys text or talk at all daily or weekly?
You sure did give a lot up with for this guy. It sounds like though, that you wanted to give those things up anyways. So maybe frame it differently in your mind. That life you left was ending anyways…you didn’t give anything up for this new guy….you gave it up for yourself….yes?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. This is a really tough situation!!!
How old are the both of you?
Aside from this other girl, how was your marriage? Were you guys pretty happy? How was the intimacy…frequent, not frequent? Does he always have a pattern of blaming you when something goes wrong? When you said you guys really worked on things in December, HOW did you work on them….just talking more, seeing a therapist, going through a book together???
More detail will be helpful for us!
Heidi
Hi Autumn!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here sharing your struggles!
I just have a few questions. Did he mention what he feels stuck about? What is the stress about money? Does he have a good job? A degree? A path of a career he is interested in?
Sharing as much detail as you feel comfortable, is really helpful for us.
Thanks!
HeidiHi Tamara,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is BEYOND FRUSTRATING!!! Nothing has happened, but a switch was definitely flipped and you have no idea why. Of course it’s killing you!
There are reasons this could be happening. Someone could have walked back into his life (maybe an ex), maybe valentine’s day he lost someone he loved to death and it’s a big trigger for him, maybe something has happened with his job and he is stressing out like crazy about it, maybe he met another new lady, maybe he got diagnosed with something medically that is scary…..reality is….you won’t know the REAL answer if and when he reveals it to you.
The challenge here is, it’s important for you to be okay with not knowing. I know it sucks, but you have to deal with the information you are being given vs. trying to figure out what he won’t tell you. The information you DO have is that he is less connective and responsive. He is still calling you “sexy” when he connects which leads me to believe it’s just how he is and connects with all the ladies that way vs. it being something special he calls you. It’s a great way to keep a woman connected and hooked actually. Terms of endearment are for “couples,” not just people that are dating and not serious about each other, so by calling you that each time, he is identifying you as someone special but not really following through any other way anymore. That’s something to pay attention to.
DO you know if he is still active on his profile?
I would suggest to do what you are doing….do not initiate any longer. Let him come to you. If he wants to connect, he needs to reach out and connect and CREATE A PLAN to see you. If he reaches out and connects just to say hi and doesn’t really initiate a way to meet up again, whatever is happening doesn’t matter…..you are getting enough information to know that he is not moving things forward with you. If he does contact you and initiate a meetup, make sure it isn’t at his house. I would be suspicious of him using you for and slowly and subtly creating a “friends with benefits” type of situation. I definitely would advise NOT being intimate with him until he proves he is actually interested in you and making plans with you several times and being okay not having sex.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi! I didn’t really find anything on that topic in Ted Talks….did you?? It’s such a great topic!
I did find this article though…not sure if is what you are looking for, but definitely worth reading!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/spiritual-wisdom-secular-times/201508/sex-and-spirituality
Heidi
Hi Danielle!
Thank you for further explaining your situation. You could not have been more supportive! You did some wonderful things for him and he is really lucky to have you there!!
I’m curious what was happening before his cate died that caused you to say that you were the one holding the relationship together. Was it the intimacy aspect? I’m curious now, to see how this aspect of your relationship will turn out. He has been “avoiding” it so to speak, so now that he is starting to feel the pep in his step again….let’s see what happens! I love that you guys waited!
Being depressed from grief and being sick is a pretty challenging combination. I’m sooooo happy to hear he is seeing the light again. It sounds like he was also quite wonderful post surgery, which is really important to know about him. You guys are heading back on track!!
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us…Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Linda,
As far as your friends are concerned, it really depends on the kind of relationship you want to have with them. They don’t sound like “close” friends. It sounds like you occasionally see them. How important are they to you? Are they friendships worth fighting over? Are they more on the inner circle or closer towards the outer circle for you? You’ve known them for a loooong time, but it doesn’t mean you are close, so I’m wondering.
As far as your sister, how about setting up some times to meet up WITH your guy? Maybe go to the theatre together? Happy hour? A museum? Start planning events where she will get to see the both of you interact and maybe bring some other people along that can act as buffers.
As far as your guy…if it is a “dream” of his to have a child, he is taking a big risk with you and the risks for you personally is bigger…..I’m sure you know all of that, of course. Reality is though, even a 20 something could have trouble conceiving. I’m wondering if he would be open to adopting if you are not able to conceive. Have you guys talked about this as an option?
Here is a little of what is happening for him. When you wrote that letter and you saw him change and shift his energy of becoming more of who he was, it’s showing you he has some pretty low self esteem. He is needing YOU to make him feel better about himself because he is empty inside. We are all like a giant piece of swiss cheese. Where it is solid, that’s where we have good self esteem in our lives, where there are holes is where doubt, fear, low self esteem lives. The difference between you and the next person is how many holes you have in your swiss cheese. You can get a sense of that by how much a person is defined by their “external world.” Someone looking for validation, or kudos or compliments is someone who has a lot of holes because they don’t have their own self esteem that is built around loving themselves, so they need that external validation to fill those holes. We all do that to some level of course, but the goal is to not be defined by it all the time. I’m glad he is definitely responding more and that he is growing more into who he is. You want to watch and make sure it sticks and you will know that over time. He is being highly responsive to you right now because he is feeling good about himself which is great! The challenge will be, who is he when everything falls apart? Can he still maintain that sense of who he is without needing you to validate him all over again? Can he still stay connected to you and creating a life with you, even when stress shows up? If he can’t maintain his sense of who he when life is hard, that makes him quite a fragile partner, always needing YOU to make him feel better. That makes you the mother in the relationship and I know that’s not what you want.
I do suggest to re-visit the child thing. You guys are heading into building a life together. The sooner you get onto the same page, the better. You guys need to talk about what would happen if you couldn’t conceive. Many MARRIED couples have broken up because they couldn’t conceive. It is EXTREMELY stressful. What lengths will you go to? Do you have the money to do IVF? Do you have money to try the other methods? Are you willing to adopt?
I’m not saying you have to have this conversation right away, but it’s an important conversation to have with him at some point. Personally, I would wait a bit and see who he is over time. If he is not able to hold onto his self esteem when things are challenging, you have much bigger problems than baby making.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
How old are the both of you?
When I lost my dog of 16 years who was also my constant, it took me a good 3 months where I finally went a day without crying. Yes, everyone is different with how they handle grief. The idea for you, is to have him feel safe to be who is with you. Have you talked about how he is doing at all with the loss? Have you asked him if there is anything you can do for him? Have you spent time validating how he must feel?
In his text he said that you said: “I’m the one holding this relationship together” and it sounds like the essence of your conversation was how you wanted him back. Am I understanding correctly that you are the one that said that? If yes, saying something like that would make him feel completely unsupported and not want to open up to you or go through the process WITH you. He would feel like he could only see you when he is on the happier side.
He is going to be depressed for awhile. I suggest to let go of the idea of sex. Let go of needing him to be any different than who he is right now. The people that helped me MOST through the loss, were the ones that talked to me about it….not just once, but several times. There’s an aspect where you feel so alone going through the pain because you are watching everyone else continue on with their lives and be happy and fine, while you are sitting with this HUGE hole in your life. From his text, it sounds like he feels like you moved on pretty quickly as well and he doesn’t feel like you are “with” him.
Is all of this accurate? I want to make sure I am understanding what is happening.
Again, let him be depressed, don’t pressure for sex and talk to him about how he is feeling. Create a space for him to be able to cry if he needs to. Maybe get a picture of him and his cat and get it framed or find some type of gesture of a small present or card or something “in honor” of his cat. Did he have his cat cremated? If he did, offer to go with him to pick up the ashes. That’s a hard moment.
You have to meet him where he is at right now vs. him meeting you. It will help build trust and emotional safety.
Heidi
