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Hi Emilie!
I’m so glad it isn’t broken!!! You definitely need to get it shifted back into proper position. I’m glad you have an osteopath to help you with that!!!
Okay…so I’m kind of thinking BOTH guys are putting in very little effort. I would stay silent a bit with pizza guy. He needs to make the effort. He needs to be reaching out and confirming with you and solidifying plans. Does he ever initiate anything in between? Any regular conversation at all??
The other buy obviously isn’t putting in any effort. He isn’t that interested. Who knows why, but reality is, he isn’t putting any fuel in the tank, so are you willing to just let it go and create closure?
Hi Sharon,
How are you doing?? Anything happening? Did you talk more to that guy? Have you made a decision to move forward without him or have you guys found more common ground? We would love an update!!!
Heidi
HI Veronica,
Just checking in….how are you doing?? Have you checked out The Relationship Rewrite yet? Do you have more questions? We would love to talk more about this with you!
Heidi
HI Samantha!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. You asked a really great question. We would love to hear back from you and see how things are evolving for you. Did you find the answers you were looking for? What are you learning about yourself?
Heidi
Hi Emily!
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. What did you decide to do? Do you have anymore questions?
Heidi
Hi Ana,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing! Did you end up letting him go? What is the update? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I’m just checking in to see how you are doing. How are you feeling about what we are talking about here? Do you have more questions, insights etc.? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
So what has happened so far? Has J or P responded to your invites? How the heck is your tailbone? What was the diagnosis?
Updates please! I’m sure you have some fun stuff to share like always 🙂
Heidi
Hi Aaron,
I’m just checking in and seeing how you are doing. How is your relationship going? Have you come to any conclusions or decisions? Do you have anymore questions? We would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. How is your relationship going? Have you talked to him at all? How are you feeling about the relationship today?
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. We haven’t heard back from you. Do you have anymore questions? Where are you at in the decision making process?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thanks for writing back! I’m glad you are open to exploring this area of your life!
Another WONDERFUL resource is on you tube. Just look up Ted X talks on sexuality and you will find all kinds of authors and experts that provide an incredible amount of information that normalize, validate and help create a more clear understanding about yourself.
Here is just one video to start. Enjoy!
Heidi
Hi Patricia!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. We love when other people chime in and offer their own experiences. It is very validating, which sometimes is all we really need.
Do you have your own story or challenges you would like to share and want some ideas / guidance?
Heidi
Hi Renee,
Wow! HUGE insights you are having! Yes! I would agree with 100% of what you are saying.
My first thought is, maybe it would be good for you to go on a few dates. It doesn’t mean you have to have a relationship with them. I have dated sometimes, solely for the purpose to get to know myself. I went through different phases. I said yes to any guy who wanted to take me out, even if I wasn’t attracted to them. I wanted to see who I was in front of all different kinds of guys. I went through phases of only dating men from other cultures, for the same reason. Dating is just dating. It’s a great way to get to know yourself.
Reality is, K is comfortable for you. There is an intimacy there that has been built over 9 years. It’s no different than what you were originally saying about all those people rejecting you. Even if it’s dysfunctional, they knew what to expect. Even if K and you are dysfunctional, you know what to expect. You know how to navigate it and you are comfortable with it. You know that he sees you and loves you anyways, even though he doesn’t want to be in relationship. He is still very much involved in your life.
Reality is, it IS a huge risk to date. It’s a risk for every single person on this planet. We ALL have the feelings of being scared that if someone really, truly saw who we were, there is a possibility they might leave. It’s true and there is no way to avoid that HOWEVER, that is why having internal self esteem and self love is crucial. When and if you get rejected, for whatever reason, you are resilient. That’s how you handle dating and taking that risk with your heart. Of course you are terrified…it’s normal! You and K have been in quite the long exchange with a lot of uncertainty. You get to keep choosing that of course.
Either way, maybe it will be good for you to just go on a few dates. Why not start talking to that guy in L.A. He is far away which makes him quite safe. You can enjoy just having fun and getting to know each other a little bit. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Let’s first talk about the being along part. I understand you have been single for a few years at a time, but you actually haven’t been truly alone. As long as you are seeking male attention and company through booty calls, you aren’t truly alone. What I am referring to, is having ZERO male attention. I am sensing that you really don’t know who you are without having some type of connection with a male in your life that is either sexual or more. I know you truly believe you are bored by yourself and so you look for distractions and even you friends have validated that about you. The thing is, that boredom is a symptom of something much deeper that you are not connected to. That boredom is just a cover for other things you don’t want to feel, like hurt, abandonment, betrayal etc. Have you ever gotten professional help to deal with all the abuse you went through? The betrayal you experienced?
There are areas where you do not have self love. You have chosen 3 longer relationships where they were very low functioning, abusive, disloyal etc. The part of you that chose those relationships has very low self esteem. I have no doubt you have other parts of you where you do feel self love. We all exist like that, no matter healthy or strong we are. We are all like swiss cheese. We have solid part where self love and confidence exist and where the holes are, there is very low self esteem and confidence.
With everything you are telling me about your patterns and your boredom and the relationships you have chosen in the past, I want to guide you towards looking at those holes and figuring out what is in there, so you can begin your healing process. The more holes you have, the bigger they are in your piece of swiss cheese, the more difficult relationships are. So it doesn’t really matter who you choose, you are going to have a hard time. I just want to put that out there.
As far as your guy, I think what is really important is that you understand and really listen to what he needs. He is telling you who he is. He is completely happy and content to just have booty calls and then go live his life. He doesn’t want to get wrapped up with anyone and be in any type of relationship that will require him to really invest his heart. Basically, he is emotionally unavailable. That is your pattern of the kind of guys you have chosen to be in deeper relationship with. I know he is not abusive, I know he most likely wouldn’t cheat on you and I know he is an honest guy AND he is still emotionally unavailable….which means, in time, your heart will be starving for connection and he will break your heart many, many times due his limitations (just like your other relationships). I understand the connection you have and the safety you both feel with each other, but heading into the romance department is a completely different thing.
It is a loving thing to do for yourself by be honest with what you really need. The longer you stay friends with benefits, the more you are rejecting what you really desire. As long as you keep rejecting yourself, you are then treating yourself no better than any of those men you chose before.
I would encourage you to just be honest with him. You can say something like, “Listen….I need to be honest. I am finding myself being drawn deeper into wanting more with you. I’m not wanting us to change, because I love how we are with each other. I do however, want to feel like we are going somewhere. Having booty calls with you is nice, but if I am really, truly honest with myself, I want to fall in love. I understand this is not what you are interested in. I think the best way to honor your needs of not getting involved with anyone and honor my needs of wanting to fall in love, and just go back to being friends.”
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want to change his mind and hope that time will do that for him. The thing is, you are a good friend he has sex with. He is not REALLY investing in you and why should he? You’ve established with him that he can have whatever he wants. He can have sex with you and then not only contact you when he feels like it and not have all the “hassle” that comes with being in relationship. You are the one saying that’s okay. Why in the world would he ever change? He gets everything he needs just like it is? You are the only one who will get hurt here, because your feelings run deeper. So you are allowing yourself to be used, just so you can have connection with him that is deeper than a friendship and satiate that part of you that is craving connection with a man. It’s not enough though and your friend isn’t going to give it to you…at least not down the path you are participating in at the moment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
