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Hi Linda,
I just want to clarify something….we ALL have low self esteem and those holes and always will. He has reasons for having low self esteem just because he is a human being.
The issue isn’t that he has the holes…it’s about how he handles them. Before really giving your heart to someone, you have to really make sure that whoever they are in their worst moments, the most stressful moments, that they are kind and respectful towards you, themselves and others involved. That’s workable. If someone becomes abusive, they disconnect and won’t talk, they breakup etc….that’s not really workable and the person needs to do some deeper healing work so they can work through challenging moments in life in a healthier way.
I would also suggest the baby conversation BEFORE you even move in together. That’s a big step and that is really building a life together. You want to make sure you can be on the same page about that before starting to intertwine your lives.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Marina,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your struggles with us!
A little more detail would be helpful.
What does he say is the reason for why he keeps breaking up with you? After the snowboarding trip and hooking up there, he became even more distant? Did he say why? What is your current status….do you guys text or talk at all daily or weekly?
You sure did give a lot up with for this guy. It sounds like though, that you wanted to give those things up anyways. So maybe frame it differently in your mind. That life you left was ending anyways…you didn’t give anything up for this new guy….you gave it up for yourself….yes?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. This is a really tough situation!!!
How old are the both of you?
Aside from this other girl, how was your marriage? Were you guys pretty happy? How was the intimacy…frequent, not frequent? Does he always have a pattern of blaming you when something goes wrong? When you said you guys really worked on things in December, HOW did you work on them….just talking more, seeing a therapist, going through a book together???
More detail will be helpful for us!
Heidi
Hi Autumn!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here sharing your struggles!
I just have a few questions. Did he mention what he feels stuck about? What is the stress about money? Does he have a good job? A degree? A path of a career he is interested in?
Sharing as much detail as you feel comfortable, is really helpful for us.
Thanks!
HeidiHi Tamara,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is BEYOND FRUSTRATING!!! Nothing has happened, but a switch was definitely flipped and you have no idea why. Of course it’s killing you!
There are reasons this could be happening. Someone could have walked back into his life (maybe an ex), maybe valentine’s day he lost someone he loved to death and it’s a big trigger for him, maybe something has happened with his job and he is stressing out like crazy about it, maybe he met another new lady, maybe he got diagnosed with something medically that is scary…..reality is….you won’t know the REAL answer if and when he reveals it to you.
The challenge here is, it’s important for you to be okay with not knowing. I know it sucks, but you have to deal with the information you are being given vs. trying to figure out what he won’t tell you. The information you DO have is that he is less connective and responsive. He is still calling you “sexy” when he connects which leads me to believe it’s just how he is and connects with all the ladies that way vs. it being something special he calls you. It’s a great way to keep a woman connected and hooked actually. Terms of endearment are for “couples,” not just people that are dating and not serious about each other, so by calling you that each time, he is identifying you as someone special but not really following through any other way anymore. That’s something to pay attention to.
DO you know if he is still active on his profile?
I would suggest to do what you are doing….do not initiate any longer. Let him come to you. If he wants to connect, he needs to reach out and connect and CREATE A PLAN to see you. If he reaches out and connects just to say hi and doesn’t really initiate a way to meet up again, whatever is happening doesn’t matter…..you are getting enough information to know that he is not moving things forward with you. If he does contact you and initiate a meetup, make sure it isn’t at his house. I would be suspicious of him using you for and slowly and subtly creating a “friends with benefits” type of situation. I definitely would advise NOT being intimate with him until he proves he is actually interested in you and making plans with you several times and being okay not having sex.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi! I didn’t really find anything on that topic in Ted Talks….did you?? It’s such a great topic!
I did find this article though…not sure if is what you are looking for, but definitely worth reading!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/spiritual-wisdom-secular-times/201508/sex-and-spirituality
Heidi
Hi Danielle!
Thank you for further explaining your situation. You could not have been more supportive! You did some wonderful things for him and he is really lucky to have you there!!
I’m curious what was happening before his cate died that caused you to say that you were the one holding the relationship together. Was it the intimacy aspect? I’m curious now, to see how this aspect of your relationship will turn out. He has been “avoiding” it so to speak, so now that he is starting to feel the pep in his step again….let’s see what happens! I love that you guys waited!
Being depressed from grief and being sick is a pretty challenging combination. I’m sooooo happy to hear he is seeing the light again. It sounds like he was also quite wonderful post surgery, which is really important to know about him. You guys are heading back on track!!
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us…Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Linda,
As far as your friends are concerned, it really depends on the kind of relationship you want to have with them. They don’t sound like “close” friends. It sounds like you occasionally see them. How important are they to you? Are they friendships worth fighting over? Are they more on the inner circle or closer towards the outer circle for you? You’ve known them for a loooong time, but it doesn’t mean you are close, so I’m wondering.
As far as your sister, how about setting up some times to meet up WITH your guy? Maybe go to the theatre together? Happy hour? A museum? Start planning events where she will get to see the both of you interact and maybe bring some other people along that can act as buffers.
As far as your guy…if it is a “dream” of his to have a child, he is taking a big risk with you and the risks for you personally is bigger…..I’m sure you know all of that, of course. Reality is though, even a 20 something could have trouble conceiving. I’m wondering if he would be open to adopting if you are not able to conceive. Have you guys talked about this as an option?
Here is a little of what is happening for him. When you wrote that letter and you saw him change and shift his energy of becoming more of who he was, it’s showing you he has some pretty low self esteem. He is needing YOU to make him feel better about himself because he is empty inside. We are all like a giant piece of swiss cheese. Where it is solid, that’s where we have good self esteem in our lives, where there are holes is where doubt, fear, low self esteem lives. The difference between you and the next person is how many holes you have in your swiss cheese. You can get a sense of that by how much a person is defined by their “external world.” Someone looking for validation, or kudos or compliments is someone who has a lot of holes because they don’t have their own self esteem that is built around loving themselves, so they need that external validation to fill those holes. We all do that to some level of course, but the goal is to not be defined by it all the time. I’m glad he is definitely responding more and that he is growing more into who he is. You want to watch and make sure it sticks and you will know that over time. He is being highly responsive to you right now because he is feeling good about himself which is great! The challenge will be, who is he when everything falls apart? Can he still maintain that sense of who he is without needing you to validate him all over again? Can he still stay connected to you and creating a life with you, even when stress shows up? If he can’t maintain his sense of who he when life is hard, that makes him quite a fragile partner, always needing YOU to make him feel better. That makes you the mother in the relationship and I know that’s not what you want.
I do suggest to re-visit the child thing. You guys are heading into building a life together. The sooner you get onto the same page, the better. You guys need to talk about what would happen if you couldn’t conceive. Many MARRIED couples have broken up because they couldn’t conceive. It is EXTREMELY stressful. What lengths will you go to? Do you have the money to do IVF? Do you have money to try the other methods? Are you willing to adopt?
I’m not saying you have to have this conversation right away, but it’s an important conversation to have with him at some point. Personally, I would wait a bit and see who he is over time. If he is not able to hold onto his self esteem when things are challenging, you have much bigger problems than baby making.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
How old are the both of you?
When I lost my dog of 16 years who was also my constant, it took me a good 3 months where I finally went a day without crying. Yes, everyone is different with how they handle grief. The idea for you, is to have him feel safe to be who is with you. Have you talked about how he is doing at all with the loss? Have you asked him if there is anything you can do for him? Have you spent time validating how he must feel?
In his text he said that you said: “I’m the one holding this relationship together” and it sounds like the essence of your conversation was how you wanted him back. Am I understanding correctly that you are the one that said that? If yes, saying something like that would make him feel completely unsupported and not want to open up to you or go through the process WITH you. He would feel like he could only see you when he is on the happier side.
He is going to be depressed for awhile. I suggest to let go of the idea of sex. Let go of needing him to be any different than who he is right now. The people that helped me MOST through the loss, were the ones that talked to me about it….not just once, but several times. There’s an aspect where you feel so alone going through the pain because you are watching everyone else continue on with their lives and be happy and fine, while you are sitting with this HUGE hole in your life. From his text, it sounds like he feels like you moved on pretty quickly as well and he doesn’t feel like you are “with” him.
Is all of this accurate? I want to make sure I am understanding what is happening.
Again, let him be depressed, don’t pressure for sex and talk to him about how he is feeling. Create a space for him to be able to cry if he needs to. Maybe get a picture of him and his cat and get it framed or find some type of gesture of a small present or card or something “in honor” of his cat. Did he have his cat cremated? If he did, offer to go with him to pick up the ashes. That’s a hard moment.
You have to meet him where he is at right now vs. him meeting you. It will help build trust and emotional safety.
Heidi
HI Hampton,
I also thought this would be a really good read for you!!! It’s a super short book, but very very powerful!!! I think it’s important for you to learn how to make a relationship successful. If a relationship is going to work, be sustainable and enjoyable, there are certain qualities that need to exist. Check it out!! I know it’s a book written for men, but women get just as much benefit!
Heidi
Hi Hampton,
It sounds like you are quite committed to really wanting to be with this regardless of how he treats you.
You can decide what you want, of course, but I want to point something out to you.
Everything you said above was “I can’t.” Here is a saying I want you to consider: “Whether you think you can or can’t…you’re right.”
You are giving all of your power away to him. You CAN do whatever you decide to do. You CAN get over him, once you decide that you don’t want to be treated that way anymore. Just because you feel different with him, compared to any other guy you have ever met, it doesn’t mean you need to pursue him or do anything with it. I know the “feeling” you have for him is incredibly strong, but those feelings are walking you into a relationship where you will end up emptying out yourself to fill him up and make him happy and losing yourself.
You are perfect just as you are. You don’t need to be anything or anyone other than who you are. Why is HIS version of “perfect” what matters? Why are you not perfect just as you are???
I’m curious what your family was like and your relationships with your parents. Would you be willing to share more about this with us?
What I would like to invite you to do right now…is to just wait a bit. Before you really decide to make all the effort to bring him back into your life, it might be good for you to get more education and gather more info. first. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Tracy,
It sounds like you are finding yourself again! You are finding your value, your inner strength, your ability to be resilient. Well done! It’s not an easy path!
I find that all of those painful moments (from your teacher to your guy to anyone else who doubted you) are such wonderful moments for growth. Those moments show us about ourselves. You gave your power away to that teacher. You didn’t listen to what anyone else was telling you….you focused on what your teacher was saying and gave her the power to define your self worth. It was important for you to learn from that and also to find yourself again…which makes you even stronger! Same with your guy….you needed to find yourself again. You were giving your power away to him and now you are finding it again.
As far as doubting yourself, it’s very human to doubt yourself every once in awhile. No one on this planet is accurate and “right” 100% of the time. Having doubt is healthy. It’s good to take a step back and really evaluate what your intuition is telling you sometimes. It’s also pretty normal to be able to help other people through difficult times and then when you find yourself in the same situation, all that wonderful wisdom goes out the window. It just shows you that you are being triggered and emotions are really high…therefore you are not able to follow all the advice you would give….you have to deal with the emotions FIRST and then you can start to make healthier choices for yourself. I’ve done the very same thing many, many times. I get it. No matter how much I know about what I am supposed to do, my other emotions can get the best of me sometimes. Oh well! It’s all good! What I do know is that those moments will pass and I will figure it out and get back to my center once I focus on myself and deal with all my triggers.
You are doing a great job Tracy. Keep your eyes on yourself and keep connecting to the truth about who you are. Whether he comes around or not, you will be okay and still create the kind of life you want!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I see your point about J. Maybe he felt deflated and decided to stop giving it so much energy. Plus, changing jobs can definitely occupy the mind quite a bit…or maybe he did meet someone new. Who knows. My question to you is, does it matter? Do you actually really like him? Are you really wanting to get to know him more?
I don’t have the impression that you really were interested in him. It seemed like there was a little something there, but not much. Am I mistaken?
It sounds like you are really connecting with P. Do you like him? Are you enjoying your exchanges? Or is he just someone to keep you company for now? Or maybe you need to gather more info. first before you really know….
Heidi
Hi Linda!
Thank you for sharing more details! This is helpful.
I’m glad you are feeling happy and that your relationship is functioning this way. I do have a caution with this guy because of what he is saying when he is drunk. Alcohol exposes what is behind all those walls people put. It can behave like a truth serum. What he is saying when he is drunk is valid. He can apologize all he wants, but the problem is, he is not dealing with how he feels. He is split. He has 1 part of him that truly loves being with you and feels confident to even move in with you and create a life with you. Another part of him does not. Even him asking you why you love him and needing re-assurance from you sometimes is a symptom of that part of him speaking when he is drunk. Obviously the part of him that loves you, is stronger than the part that is holding all that low self esteem and not feeling worthy. It will come out though and affect your relationship. It may take a few years, who knows. He needs to deal with that side of him that doesn’t feel worthy. I know you don’t recognize it when he is sober. That doesn’t mean anything. When I was in my 20’s, I faked things ALL the time! I was always living a very split life with boyfriends. A part of me wanted to be with them and a part was terrified to deeply love. THEY NEVER KNEW. NO ONE KNEW. I didn’t want to give that fearful part any authority, so even when I had all of those thoughts and feelings of wanting to run, I hid it. Eventually though, I would sabotage one way or another.
So, is he the kind of guy who is willing to explore what is happening for him with the self doubt? Is that something you can talk to him about?
As far as your friends go, I think it’s important that you validate how they feel. You and your guy are at different stages in life (generally speaking). There is A LOT of development that happens, especially through the 30’s that you have already been through. Obviously you can relate to him, but they are struggling a bit. They are your friends and family. I think it could be healing and helpful if you all actually talked about it in a real way. So you can say something like, “Okay….I want to hear how you are feeling about this. What is your concern about the age difference? What are you afraid is going to happen?” I imagine that they are afraid you will get hurt and that at some point as you age and he isn’t, he may turn his attentions to a younger woman or something. That is a valid thought and concern and maybe you just validating that for them is all they need. Maybe they just need you to hear their concerns. You can always say something like this in return…”I understand how you feel. It makes sense and I’ve thought about that before. Reality is though, ANY relationship is a risk. Age difference or not, any man I choose to build my life with, could instantly get up and walk out. That’s the truth isn’t it? There could be all kinds of things that could go wrong with any guy. So….I’m choosing not to focus so much on what “could” happen and just keeping my attention on the present. And in the present, I love how I feel when I am with him. We laugh a lot, we talk a lot, he is my best friend. I am happy. So…that means I’m going to enjoy being happy RIGHT NOW and not worry about the future. Isn’t that what you want for me? To be happy? If I get hurt, I will deal with it. I will forgive, heal and get myself back up because I am resilient. I would love for you guys to get to know him a little better. How about you just give him a chance. How about you guys stay open to the idea for a few months and meet him a few times. Gather more information about him, see us together and THEN form your opinions. Your opinions are valuable to me and I want to hear them, but your opinions need to be based on experience with him and us together. You guys don’t know him and he is being judged by a number. So are you guys willing to give him a chance and then in a few months, we can meet for lunch and talk more about this???”
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
Wow! I’m so glad to hear that everything went back to normal and it’s all good! How are you feeling about that??
I’m happy to hear that you have done some work on yourself in the past. Maybe it’s time to dive in again. I have seasons like that…where I will have a good rest period and then all of a sudden, crap shows up again and I can tell I need to shed more layers and I call my therapist and we get to work again.
It’s normal for a woman’s mind to think “what if.” Your heart truly desires a deep, intimate, safe, authentic and nourishing relationship. It doesn’t sound like you have had that experience quite yet and your friend was the closest possibility. I’m glad you guys made the decision that you did, because you would have had a big battle on your hands, trying to hold your heart back. That’s no fun!!!
Was everything I shared before too much? I never intend to cause someone to feel bad, but it sometimes happens. It’s part of my learning process as well. If it was ineffective in any way, my apologies! Technology can be a difficult place to express intense things.
Heidi
