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Hi Hampton,
First, I want to say that I am so sorry for what you went through. Being sexually assaulted is incredibly traumatizing. Have you gotten any help for that? You need some help to process that moment. It is VERY possible to heal and get past that moment. You deserve to feel that! You don’t need to live with those feelings forever. Forgetting about it doesn’t work. A trauma like that gets all the way into the depths of your being. You will never forget it, but you CAN heal the hurt that surrounds it.
Unfortunately your ex just traumatized you all over again and added to all the lies that are floating around your mind and heart all of the time. There is not a single amount of truth in anything that he has said to you about that event. He is verbally abusive, he is uncaring and not at all connected to compassion or empathy.
I don’t know how to be more clear than to say RUN RUN RUN away from this guy!!! He will NEVER listen to you….he doesn’t have that capacity. I know he has had “moments” where he listened, but moments are not enough to sustain any kind of relationship. HE CANNOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
You are giving all of your power away to him. He is exactly like your mother. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how you feel, he blames you for how you are feeling, he is not interested in who you really are. THIS IS NOT LOVE!! You have a very distorted version of what love is, because no one ever showed you. You have paired love with neglect, being ignored, being dis-regarded. Just because he said he loved you and wanted to build a life with you, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. There may have been chemistry between you guys, but the true version of love is compassionate, caring, gentle, curious, safe and sustainable. This is not at all what your mother offered you and now your ex.
Instead of focusing your energy on getting him back, what about focusing on yourself? I would HIGHLY suggest to find a therapist to help you through this. You have been through an INCREDIBLE amount of trauma in your life and you need healing. Even if you leave this guy and focus your attention elsewhere, you will just keep picking the same kind of guy over and over and over again.
Are you willing to get help???
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
What if something didn’t go “wrong?” DO NOT send him a text about how you could be a better girlfriend!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This is about him ghosting and not communicating to you what has happened for him, so if anything….he is in the dog house here! He is not being honest, clear, upfront and authentic. If you ask him how you could be better, it’s like being desperate to get him back when in reality, he needs to work his ass off to get you back!
Yes…online dating is difficult, no doubt about it! Be comforted to know it is not just you. MANY people really struggle with it. I always tell people to make sure they are in a good space before going online, because it’s tough more often than not, especially for the ladies. We tend to take things more personally than men do. We are just built differently. Online dating is really set up and functions how men would want to date, not women. It’s not you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Maybe give the online thing a break. Take some time to yourself and build your self esteem back up and get re-connected to yourself. Let the idea of this guy go. If he wants to connect, he will. If not, you are moving on with your life.
Go have some fun! What kinds of things can you do to bring some joy and laughter into your life??
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
What if something didn’t go “wrong?” DO NOT send him a text about how you could be a better girlfriend!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This is about him ghosting and not communicating to you what has happened for him, so if anything….he is in the dog house here! He is not being honest, clear, upfront and authentic. If you ask him how you could be better, it’s like being desperate to get him back when in reality, he needs to work his ass off to get you back!
Yes…online dating is difficult, no doubt about it! Be comforted to know it is not just you. MANY people really struggle with it. I always tell people to make sure they are in a good space before going online, because it’s tough more often than not, especially for the ladies. We tend to take things more personally than men do. We are just built differently. Online dating is really set up and functions how men would want to date, not women. It’s not you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Maybe give the online thing a break. Take some time to yourself and build your self esteem back up and get re-connected to yourself. Let the idea of this guy go. If he wants to connect, he will. If not, you are moving on with your life.
Go have some fun! What kinds of things can you do to bring some joy and laughter into your life??
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I understand how you feel. So many people, including myself, have said “Is it me??”
Here is the truth…the right guy won’t care if you don’t show enough attention or show too much interest. The right guy will be inspired by you and there will be something in him that will be able to see all of your insecurities, your limitations and your beauty and wonderfulness and want to know you, regardless. The right guy will have a feeling inside of him that will make him want to be around you, without doubt or hesitation.
These guys are not the right guys. It’s not you. It’s not them. It’s BOTH of you. It’s that there is something missing and it’s no one fault. It’s not about you being any different than just being yourself to “catch” their attention. There is just something that is missing in the situation….and “x” factor that is unknowable and un-seeable that is influencing what is happening. There is nothing to fix or change here.
It’s important that you connect back to yourself. So what if you don’t meet a guy a right now. You have such a wonderful life that is full of all kinds of people and adventures. The right guy will show up when it’s meant to happen. Trust in that. Just be yourself, even if it’s too interested or not interested enough….just be you and if a guy isn’t responsive to that, that’s okay! He is not for you anyway. The right guy won’t be so much work. You will just get to feel 100% like yourself. You will feel a comfort level with him that is beyond words. Give it some time Emilie and have patience.
Focus your attention on everything you DO have and let go of the idea of wanting a guy. Trust he will show up at some point. Until then….it’s a continued adventure!Heidi
Hi Nicole,
So how are you feeling about all that I have shared, aside from looking at the possibility of a couple’s therapist?
I said some things that may have been hard for you to hear. Are you rejecting it, absorbing it, thinking about it, not sure? What is your viewpoint about your relationship now? What are you going to do if he crosses your boundaries again? Any plan?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
It sounds like you are really figuring this out and getting some good clarity about how you can handle yourself differently. He is sooooo lucky to have you….someone who cares about how they affect him by taking responsibility for themselves. That is a rare quality!
You are owning your crap, you are waking up to new parts of yourself, you are learning new skills and you are communicating all of it with him. You are being a wonderful role model for him as well!
Keep having compassion for yourself. Even with all that I know and understand about dating, relationships, men, myself etc….I still fall and stumble because I get triggered in some way. I just shake my head, brush off my knees and say, “Well…there’s a soft spot. Good to know it’s there…time to get to work :)” Whatever shows up for you is just information. Do not make it right or wrong or bad or good…it’s just information. Being in a relationship and being in love is like going to school. There are a lot of things you get to learn about yourself that only love can teach you. When you take the judgment out of the process and replace it with understanding and compassion for yourself, you will be able to offer your guy the exact same thing in return, as he stumbles and fumbles through “love school” as well.
You are doing an incredible job!!!
How did he respond to your messages that you shared above?
Heidi
Hi Tina!
Thank you for all that you have shared! We are really glad that you are here and sharing your story with us.
Here is the thing Tina. You want some type of guarantee from him….a commitment. Reality is, even with a commitment, he could do this again. You have the ability to up and leave because something has shifted inside of you. Relationships and love are a HUGE risk. There is no way around that. Even people who are together for 30 years break up. Commitment is a moment to moment choice, right?
Let’s look at this from a different perspective to help deal with the fear. You don’t trust him and feel safe with him emotionally. That means you are handing over your trust for HIM to take care of and behave in a certain way so you feel emotionally safe. THAT”S YOUR JOB, not his.
Trust needs to kept and taken care of by you. This is how that would look…”I trust myself that no matter what he decides to do or how he behaves, I WILL BE OKAY! I am resilient, I am strong, I am emotionally intelligent, I have people that can support me through my challenges. I TRUST IN MYSELF that I will be okay no matter what happens.” When you feel that way and put the focus on yourself, it takes all the pressure off of him to behave in a certain way so you can feel safe. When you hand your trust over to him, it’s like walking on a tight rope, 100 feet in the air, and you have given HIM the responsibility to make sure that safety net is under you. OF COURSE you are up there, scared to death and not wanting to move, because you don’t want to fall, because that safety net may or may not be there.
When you take care of your own emotional safety and trust, you are now walking on that tight rope with the GUARANTEE that safety net is there because YOU are the one that put it there. Now….you can relax more and have more peace as you take these risks with your heart.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I understand your thought process, but there is a big thing missing here and that is respect. You can set boundaries all you want. You already did set boundaries and he broke them and so did she. Which, btw, I would not advise talking to her anymore. This is between you and your guy, NOT HER. Bringing her into the situation can just make things so much more messy and you are trying to get her to care about you, when it’s your guy that needs to be doing that. It’s obvious neither of them care about how you are feeling. They both want what they want.
Neither of them are respecting you in this situation, because they don’t even respect themselves. So my question is, you want him to respect your boundaries, but when he crosses the line, then what? You have a guy who blames you for how he is feeling, you have a guy who is crossing your boundaries all over the place and then blames you for that too….yet you don’t want to be a doormat?? Let’s be realistic here….he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences and you have taught him that. You are not respecting yourself either.
I know you want a happy environment. I see that you are really making efforts to try and make that happen, but you need him participating and wanting the same things. Without him on the same page, you be a hamster in a hamster wheel. That’s why I am suggesting doing something different. You set boundaries, they got crossed again and again. The odds of him respecting your boundaries this time around are pretty low. If anything, he just might go underground and keep a lot of it a secret. There are some CORE issues here, for both of you that need to be looked at and exposed if you want that happy environment. Find a therapist that can help. I love http://www.gottman.com They have the MOST AMAZING and powerful couples advice! You can look up a therapist who is certified by them and maybe find one in your area. Or maybe go to a retreat they put on.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Linda!
It sounds like everything is clearing up for you! It sounds like you guys are doing really well and are solid! This makes me really happy! I love hearing how you 2 experience each other! The honeymoon phase CAN last a loooong time 😉
Keep us updated and let us know how the conversation goes with him. When is he supposed to move in?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Okay…this is making more sense now.
When he finally admitted to not being happy in the marriage, did this make sense to you? How did you feel about the marriage? My guess is, there was a lot less sex and intimacy, less connection to each other and the spark slowly went out. Can you see how this happened?
It’s a bummer that he didn’t communicate all of this from the beginning. That’s where he is responsible. You cannot do or change anything unless he communicates with you.
The point of seeing a therapist is they help hold you BOTH accountable, help you create a plan, create a safe space to honest, they proved objectivity and teach you skills you both can start to develop. It’s like going to see a specialist for something. Obviously, the talking and communicating is not working…so his reasons for not seeing a therapist don’t hold up. You both have a lot of feelings happening here and neither of you know how to navigate through them in a healthy way.
He is sending a clear message to you that you don’t matter. He is going to do what he wants and how you feel doesn’t matter. That is a problem here. Reality is…if the other woman WAS interested, they would be together. He would leave or have a secret affair. So there is a core issue here beyond him being angry at you. Which, btw….it’s not your fault that he is making this decision. Him blaming you for how things are turning out, just tells me he is either really narcissistic or extremely fragile and can’t handle being held accountable to a situation.
So what do you want Nicole? Let’s say his anger goes down and you guys start re-connecting again. What he has shown you and taught you is that if you make a stink about this on any level, he will disconnect. So if he connects again, it basically means you have to keep your mouth shut and let him do what he wants if you want to keep the peace.
Is that what you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Linda,
I just want to clarify something….we ALL have low self esteem and those holes and always will. He has reasons for having low self esteem just because he is a human being.
The issue isn’t that he has the holes…it’s about how he handles them. Before really giving your heart to someone, you have to really make sure that whoever they are in their worst moments, the most stressful moments, that they are kind and respectful towards you, themselves and others involved. That’s workable. If someone becomes abusive, they disconnect and won’t talk, they breakup etc….that’s not really workable and the person needs to do some deeper healing work so they can work through challenging moments in life in a healthier way.
I would also suggest the baby conversation BEFORE you even move in together. That’s a big step and that is really building a life together. You want to make sure you can be on the same page about that before starting to intertwine your lives.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Marina,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your struggles with us!
A little more detail would be helpful.
What does he say is the reason for why he keeps breaking up with you? After the snowboarding trip and hooking up there, he became even more distant? Did he say why? What is your current status….do you guys text or talk at all daily or weekly?
You sure did give a lot up with for this guy. It sounds like though, that you wanted to give those things up anyways. So maybe frame it differently in your mind. That life you left was ending anyways…you didn’t give anything up for this new guy….you gave it up for yourself….yes?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. This is a really tough situation!!!
How old are the both of you?
Aside from this other girl, how was your marriage? Were you guys pretty happy? How was the intimacy…frequent, not frequent? Does he always have a pattern of blaming you when something goes wrong? When you said you guys really worked on things in December, HOW did you work on them….just talking more, seeing a therapist, going through a book together???
More detail will be helpful for us!
Heidi
Hi Autumn!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here sharing your struggles!
I just have a few questions. Did he mention what he feels stuck about? What is the stress about money? Does he have a good job? A degree? A path of a career he is interested in?
Sharing as much detail as you feel comfortable, is really helpful for us.
Thanks!
HeidiHi Tamara,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is BEYOND FRUSTRATING!!! Nothing has happened, but a switch was definitely flipped and you have no idea why. Of course it’s killing you!
There are reasons this could be happening. Someone could have walked back into his life (maybe an ex), maybe valentine’s day he lost someone he loved to death and it’s a big trigger for him, maybe something has happened with his job and he is stressing out like crazy about it, maybe he met another new lady, maybe he got diagnosed with something medically that is scary…..reality is….you won’t know the REAL answer if and when he reveals it to you.
The challenge here is, it’s important for you to be okay with not knowing. I know it sucks, but you have to deal with the information you are being given vs. trying to figure out what he won’t tell you. The information you DO have is that he is less connective and responsive. He is still calling you “sexy” when he connects which leads me to believe it’s just how he is and connects with all the ladies that way vs. it being something special he calls you. It’s a great way to keep a woman connected and hooked actually. Terms of endearment are for “couples,” not just people that are dating and not serious about each other, so by calling you that each time, he is identifying you as someone special but not really following through any other way anymore. That’s something to pay attention to.
DO you know if he is still active on his profile?
I would suggest to do what you are doing….do not initiate any longer. Let him come to you. If he wants to connect, he needs to reach out and connect and CREATE A PLAN to see you. If he reaches out and connects just to say hi and doesn’t really initiate a way to meet up again, whatever is happening doesn’t matter…..you are getting enough information to know that he is not moving things forward with you. If he does contact you and initiate a meetup, make sure it isn’t at his house. I would be suspicious of him using you for and slowly and subtly creating a “friends with benefits” type of situation. I definitely would advise NOT being intimate with him until he proves he is actually interested in you and making plans with you several times and being okay not having sex.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
