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Hi Lucia,
Welcome! You are right, this one is a doozy! Thank you for sharing!
It sounds like you both have a wonderful connection with each other. Just a few questions….how long have you been sleeping together now? Has it ever been discussed about what you guys are actually doing? Meaning, the design of your relationship? How do you know he is still looking for another guy? It sounds like he might be bisexual in moments, but his heart actually might be more gay. Is this what you are sensing? Has he ever had a long term relationship with a woman?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggles. Let’s see if we can help remedy the situation.
How was it resolved on your end? Meaning, he said he didn’t want to date or be friends, but did you agree or did you try and apologize and try to make everything better? Is it your pattern to “go off” when your feelings get hurt or offended? Honestly, I tell people to stay away from someone who can get verbally abusive. Whatever it is that you said to him, he is right to walk away and not want to date someone who views him in a negative way. Do you understand this?
Do you still see each other at work? Have you tried to talk to him at all and he isn’t responding? A little more detail will be helpful so we can better guide you through this.
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Okay…I get it. You felt something a little different and more with him. Are you sure there is a “misunderstanding?” What kind of misunderstanding do you think has happened?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I am wondering why you are wanting it to work with J? I can’t imagine that you would want to be with a guy who responds to manipulative messages. You talked with your guy friend about “why can’t guys just be honest” and then here you are sending a very manipulative message and not being honest, in order to catch his attention. I’m wondering why? What is it about this guy that makes you want to do this?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
How much research have you done on learning about bipolar? Have you talked to or red stories or books about being in relationship with a bipolar person?? There are 2 reasons this is important….I feels like you have a bit of a fantasy going on with this guy. Yes, you love him and yes, there is an amazing connection. AND you are walking into a VERY DIFFICULT situation. I’m not sure things would ever be “amazing” with someone who has bipolar. It’s a rollercoaster ride. There are amazing moments, but the amount of unpredictability can be very stressful. I have a friend who is bipolar and he has managed it for 40 years. To this very day he say, “I have no idea when I wake up, who I am going to be. Every single day is a surprise.” It’s a lot to deal with. Relationships are a TON of work already, but to add bipolar to the equation, means your load is DOUBLE! It’s CRUCIAL that you are realistic about this. Love DOES NOT conquer all. I understand and know you will move forward with this regardless. It’s part of being a 22 year old. You have a ton of energy and willingness to jump into things and that’s okay. Go for it! The best way for you to handle this, is to be really get grounded in the truth about the situation and not have any fantasy of how great things will be. This is not going to be easy. Therefore, if you do a lot of reading and research, you will find A LOT of helpful tips about how to be in relationship with someone who has bipolar. I think those books will give you a good idea of what you are walking into and help prepare you. And FYI….in manic phases, their libido shoots through the roof, so you have seen him in a manic phase.
It sounds like he has a lot to learn about how to deal with this emotionally. Has he ever gotten help himself? He could learn some skills about what to do. Simply even saying, “I’m depressed, I need some time” and you know to just leave him alone and he will return whenever he is ready. It sounds like he still might be in that phase. Have you asked him outright to teach you? If you live with fear of rejection or saying or doing the “wrong” thing that ends up pushing him away….let it go. First of all, relationship must endure the humanness we are. There is not way in the world you will ever say and do everything perfectly. You will make a million mistakes and if a relationship cannot sustain through those moments, then it wasn’t meant to last anyways. If you head into fear because of his bipolar, then you are joining him vs. getting wrapped up in it. You need to stay separate than it. The moment you get pulled into it WITH him (like your last visit) disaster will happen. If you are afraid of it, disaster will happen. Look at it objectively. His reactions and moods are HIS….not a reflection of you personally. You, of course, can make those moods bigger by adding to them and getting involved with his moods. Part of the skill is to not let his moods creep over and influence who you are, what you want to say and who you want to be.
So ask him, “It seems we have been more platonic since I got back home. I know we had a huge fight, but I need you to help me. Are we acting like this because of a depressed mood, or are we like this because you still feel hurt from some things I said? I want to understand.”
He needs to be willing to let you in. If he won’t talk about it when you are over the phone, he sure as heck isn’t going to talk about it if you move there. He needs to a good teacher for you and really let you into his process if this is ever going to work.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Is your mother okay??
I would agree with your therapist.
There is something that’s important here to look at. It’s VERY hard to align with, but can ultimately bring some peace and closure. What if you stopped trying to figure out “why” and just looked at the fact that it’s darn confusing. The fact that there are soooo many mixed signals in the first place, is a problem in and of itself. So it’s kind of like saying, “You know…this is so messy. I don’t understand why, how or what the problems are. All I know is that are problems and I don’t have a partner helping me figure this out. That’s enough for me to know that it isn’t working.” So what about giving your mind some peace and stop trying to figure him out and just let it go. There are so many problems happening here….that in and of itself is enough for you to know that this relationship is much more work than it is nourishing. When the scales get tipped like that, it’s important for you to look inside of yourself and say, “Why am I choosing to stay in a relationship when past the expiration date? Why am I staying in a relationship with a guy who is not working WITH me to resolve things? Why am I staying with a guy who is so confused and sends so many mixed signals?”
Do you have answers to these??
Heidi
Hello!
You are asking some wonderful questions!
1. I think you are doing a good job by NOT answering his texts right away. Sometimes it’s okay…other times, wait an hour or 2. You want to be a bit “unpredictable.” You want him to feel like you have a life and are not dependent solely on him and waiting for him all of the time.
2. This is a tricky area. I suggest to back off quite a bit with the sexting. You are getting him connected to the sexual intimacy and it’s your way of pulling him into connection and making you feel wanted by him. I know this is not what you want to establish in the beginning. Like Kanya said, it’s CRUCIAL to build friendship, take things slow…and most of all…know that his attraction to you is built from who you are vs. what you can offer him physically. It’s soooo easy for the sex to get involved in the beginning and creating connection from that space. It’s not sustainable that way. You want more, so you need to see if that is even possible. Build the friendship, the laughter, have good conversations. Being flirty is totally good and important, but I would suggest to stay away from the sexting…as you are right…it is misleading.
3. DO you know why you have anxiety about this? Meaning…where does this come from? Your parents? Your family environment? Past relationships? Where does this pattern begin from?
If he is truly a workaholic, then NO….he will not change. He will always be a workaholic, because that is how he wants to live his life. It’s crucial that you accept this about him. He is a workaholic for a reason. It’s an addiction. Addictions mask all kinds of emotional turmoil. Being a workaholic allows a person to NOT have to feel and deal with the emotions built up inside. It keeps him distracted. Being a workaholic means he IS NOT INTERESTED in having a deep, intimate and connected relationship with anyone except with his work. THAT”S IT! So let me ask you this…what if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs. Would you be asking this question? Because reality is…workaholics are not different than a drug addict. It’s an addiction and it’s a way to prevent intimacy with anyone…especially with themselves.
This is who he is, so you either need to accept this about him and accept that you are choosing an emotionally unavailable man or you decide to create another experience where you are able to get your needs met.
Heidi
haha! I’m glad your osteopath was able to release that “tension” around your tailbone!! haha! I have no doubt it was painful. When your tailbone gets stuck, releasing everything around it not very fun at all! Thanks for the update!!!
You are clear enough Emilie. I think in reality, you want a guy to make more effort for you. You are throwing out enough signals for the guy to make advances…and they just aren’t. Besides…I have seen, experienced and heard stories of PLENTY of men who were outright rejected by their ladies, but they didn’t give up. Their eyes were set on that woman and they just “knew” to keep chasing. I think with the kind of personality you have that is strong and confident…you need a guy who is strong enough to get past anything to get to you and win your heart. Would you not agree? A guy who “needs” all kinds of signals from you in order to feel “safe” enough to chase you….I don’t know…I’m not sure a guy like that would suit well for you. I imagine you more with a guy who sees what he wants (you) and he will do what he needs to catch your eye. He is strong enough, confident enough…and KNOWS he wants to get to know you…with nothing standing in the way…no doubt, no hesitation, no fear will stop him from wanting to know you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heather!
WELL DONE!!! What a wonderful thing to say to him! DO NOT reach out just yet! Let him come to you. He needs to know he has that “freedom” and not feel pushed. Men respond really well when they have the “space” to be in their cave and come out when they are ready.
I’m curious…did he agree with what you said? Did he validate it at all? How was it left? Is he thinking about whether or not he wants to give it a go with you again or not? Is that what he is thinking about?
The one thing I want you to consider….he may be “afraid” of losing his independence, but it goes MUCH deeper than that. That is just the surface answer. People use excuses like that all of the time, when in reality, it’s a mask for really being afraid of intimacy…so they set up their life in a way so they don’t have to be “intimate” on the deeper levels. He is afraid of intimacy, not loosing his independence. Do you know why? What was his childhood like? Do you know much about his past relationships? Do you have a clue what would cause this fear?
Heidi
Hi Mel
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us. It’s really tough what you are going through. There are a lot of dynamics going on here that are influencing what is happening. Let’s discuss those in more detail.
1. First and foremost, this studying is taking up all of his energy and perspective. Reality is, while he is studying, he is not going to be very emotionally available or concerned about your experiences, as he does not have the capacity to care. He is all spent up. That’s evident by having a wonderful 3 weeks with him post taking the test. So yes, patience is needed. Supporting him through this time is really important and understanding that this period of time is putting him in “survival” mode vs. “thriving” mode. You understand survival mode from when you worked at that job you didn’t like. You were snappy and sharp with your words. This is how he is most likely always feeling.
2. He doesn’t have any good role models. I have no doubt there is a part of him that doesn’t feel safe, nor trust “family” or “love.” He most likely has a very distorted version of love. This would cause him to keep a lot of walls up, blame others and have more narcissistic tendencies, as that is how he will survive. My guess is, he is quite fragile emotionally, so those walls he puts up is what is keeping him feeling like he has “control.”
This is an extremely layered dynamic.Now….bottom line is, you are seeing who he is in his worst, how he treats himself, you and others. This is important for you to know, because essentially, this is the foundation of your relationship. When things are great, they are great…but when things are tough, this is where the relationship gets fractured or holds together well. You never really know if you truly love someone until you have seen their worst and can love that as well. Can you love him, with all of his limitations and how he treats you and others? This is a question you need to really look at and feel into.
There are some things you can do to modify. First, STOP having conversations over text that deal with feelings. It is the WORST way to communicate anything of importance. Save your feelings for face to face conversations or at the very least, talking over the phone. If you cannot have these discussions in person, because you are afraid, then it’s time to face that fear. If you cannot communicate with him, then there is a more serious problem here. How do you feel about this?? Are you afraid to say how you really feel? If yes, how come?
You can also start setting some boundaries. If he were to text me something like he did about posting a picture on facebook, I would have responded with something like, “Your upset. I’m so sorry you are upset! This is not something I will discuss over text nor with this kind attitude. We can talk about this further when we are in person, as I do not fully understand how you are feeling. Will you be home later so we can figure this out?”
Part of this is teaching him your standards about how you will be talked to when he is upset and vice versa. When emotions are high, people tend to get more nasty. It’s important to help each other stay calm and not get wrapped up and defensive in the nastiness.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Nicole
Make sure when you talk to him, you don’t tell him how he feels. For example, saying something like, “You don’t respect me” will cause his defenses to go up. I always suggest whenever confronting someone, to get a real strong sense of how they REALLY feel by leading with questions, to allow them to speak and feel like you are being more curious about who they are vs. attacking. For example, saying something like, “It feels like maybe you don’t like our relationship very much, considering the choices you are making by being friends with this other girl. I understand you want me to accept this. It’s hard for me, but I need some of your help. Tell me about what you are getting from her that feels so good for you? What is it about her and that situation that makes you want to participate in her life so much? What do you feel is missing from our relationship and from me?”
Before you even have this conversation, share with us here, what you are hoping to accomplish from this conversation? I know you want to talk about respect, but in what way? What EXACTLY are you wanting from him?
Heidi
Hi Tina!
what a great question!
First and foremost, I am going to bring you back to yourself. Whenever fear is in the driver’s seat, it messes everything up. So here you are….up on your tight rope, afraid of losing him by being “too” much….and you don’t know if there is a safety net underneath you. So your need for control goes up along with your anxiety. You know what is the first thing you lose? Your ability to have fun!!!
You are trying to control your emotions so you don’t push him away. You are trying to respond less, you are trying to be supportive and engaging, you are trying to play a little hard to get…it’s exhausting!!!
There is sooooo much “trying” to do the right thing so you don’t fall off that tight rope and lose him.First, where is your safety net? That’s the very first thing to deal with. Why? Because it reduces the fear and puts it in the back seat, instead of the driver’s seat. It reduces the anxiety (fear of the future). Then….when those emotions are a lot less, you have access to the parts of your higher brain functioning that can make much smarter decisions.
Let’s talk about your intuition…have you read the book “Awaken your Feminine Intuition” in your library? Do you feel connected to your intuition? How and when do you use it?
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
You have found closure! That’s wonderful! I’m glad you have chosen to let this go.
Here is something you can start with as an exercise when thinking about what you want in a relationship. I call it the “non-negotiable” list. It’s a list of qualities that you HAVE TO HAVE in order to survive in a relationship. These qualities are non-negotiable. If you have 10 qualities for example and you find a guy with 9 qualities, it won’t work. He must have all 10 qualities.
Here are some examples of my qualities:
1. high emotional intelligence
2. romantic
3. physically active
4. spiritual
5. has imagination/creativity/visionary
6. loves people (I can take him anywhere and know he will be kind and appropriate)Of course everybody’s non-negotiable list is different. And it’s important that you test out what is on your list. I used to have athletic in place of active, but I soon discovered, I was okay with a guy who exercised in his own way…he didn’t have to play a sport or be athletic…it is my preference for him to be athletic, but I cannot be with a guy who isn’t active. Do you see the difference?? It’s important for you to get very clear about the qualities you cannot live without and that is the core of how and who you choose to date.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Oh man! I get that last part too! MANY times people, especially the guys I have dated, will reach out wanting to connect with me, but I know they just want to use me for my energy. Their experience with me, however brief, gave them a unique experience of themselves and they want to feel it again….of course, most people are not aware they are doing this…lol. They just know you pop in their mind and they find they are craving to connect.
It’s important to protect yourself energetically. When you have that kind of impact on people, it’s important that you take care of yourself and that is the lesson to learn. I have found myself wanting to connect when a guy reaches out and always find myself giving and not receiving. My lesson is the same….to learn to be discerning. Sometimes, I can connect, knowing exactly what is happening and I’m totally good with it! I am okay with offering them what they are seeking, no matter how brief. Other times, I am not centered enough and those are the times it’s important for me to be more caring about myself than the other person.
So when you start to feel “bad” when other people are pressuring you, what is happening for you? What part of you is getting activated? If you were totally centered and happy with how your life was, they wouldn’t be able to make you feel anything, no matter their opinions, because you are solid. So this is good for you to understand about yourself….they are showing you a part of yourself that you are not connected to….why are they able to make you feel bad about being single?
Heidi
Heidi
I get it. I am single as well. Everyone around me is married with kids or at least in a relationship. I too look at all of them and wonder…why do they get to have their “love” and I don’t? Am I doing something wrong?? It seems online dating is the way to meet people these days, but holy smokes that platform is exhausting! I’ve done it plenty of times, but for now and who I am….I just have no interest. Then I remember back in the day when there wasn’t online dating. I met guys EVERYWHERE!!! I met a guy once at a gas station! It can happen anywhere Emily. You could be at the grocery store and turn the corner and BAM! You exchange smiles and the rest is history. You are thinking about how to meet a guy from a VERY SMALL perspective. The possibilities are endless here! Haven’t you had many moments in your life that are wonderful surprises that you never thought could happen?? Expand your thinking into “anything is possible” instead of trying to figure out, all on your own, how to meet a guy. That’s not even your job….your job here is to be best version of yourself….to love yourself and let that love expand out beyond your body and into the universe, so that it touches everyone. Your light affects people! Just shine that light….that’s it! Trust that the rest will fall into place when it does. If you are inspired to go online, then go online. If you aren’t, then don’t. Let go of trying to control the situation and make something happen.
It’s really not that complicated. What is complicated is that you don’t feel complete and whole without a guy being in your life….you are looking for “him” to fill some part of you, so you can feel that connection….yes?? Anytime I start to feel like I am tired and I want to meet my guy and I start taking action towards that direction….it immediately tells me I’m off my center. Whenever I am looking for something outside of myself to create a feeling, I know that I not aligned with myself. I am missing something and I need to pay attention to what that is….not try and fix it by finding something outside of me to fix it.
I have been single for awhile now and I do have that rollercoaster ride for sure where I am craving a man and feeling love and then feeling peaceful without it. However, as time goes on, the ups and downs are much smaller and waaaay less frequent. I am completely content in my life right now. I love my life. If a guy comes along, I am open to it. Until then, I have no need to look or put myself out there. I am just focusing on being my biggest light possible and spreading the love in whatever way that I can….a guy will come along and be affected by that, no matter where I am at or what I am doing. I don’t have to “do” anything….I just have to be me and live my life with love and joy and keep working on staying connected to myself…that’s it!
heidi
