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Hi Nicole
Make sure when you talk to him, you don’t tell him how he feels. For example, saying something like, “You don’t respect me” will cause his defenses to go up. I always suggest whenever confronting someone, to get a real strong sense of how they REALLY feel by leading with questions, to allow them to speak and feel like you are being more curious about who they are vs. attacking. For example, saying something like, “It feels like maybe you don’t like our relationship very much, considering the choices you are making by being friends with this other girl. I understand you want me to accept this. It’s hard for me, but I need some of your help. Tell me about what you are getting from her that feels so good for you? What is it about her and that situation that makes you want to participate in her life so much? What do you feel is missing from our relationship and from me?”
Before you even have this conversation, share with us here, what you are hoping to accomplish from this conversation? I know you want to talk about respect, but in what way? What EXACTLY are you wanting from him?
Heidi
Hi Tina!
what a great question!
First and foremost, I am going to bring you back to yourself. Whenever fear is in the driver’s seat, it messes everything up. So here you are….up on your tight rope, afraid of losing him by being “too” much….and you don’t know if there is a safety net underneath you. So your need for control goes up along with your anxiety. You know what is the first thing you lose? Your ability to have fun!!!
You are trying to control your emotions so you don’t push him away. You are trying to respond less, you are trying to be supportive and engaging, you are trying to play a little hard to get…it’s exhausting!!!
There is sooooo much “trying” to do the right thing so you don’t fall off that tight rope and lose him.First, where is your safety net? That’s the very first thing to deal with. Why? Because it reduces the fear and puts it in the back seat, instead of the driver’s seat. It reduces the anxiety (fear of the future). Then….when those emotions are a lot less, you have access to the parts of your higher brain functioning that can make much smarter decisions.
Let’s talk about your intuition…have you read the book “Awaken your Feminine Intuition” in your library? Do you feel connected to your intuition? How and when do you use it?
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
You have found closure! That’s wonderful! I’m glad you have chosen to let this go.
Here is something you can start with as an exercise when thinking about what you want in a relationship. I call it the “non-negotiable” list. It’s a list of qualities that you HAVE TO HAVE in order to survive in a relationship. These qualities are non-negotiable. If you have 10 qualities for example and you find a guy with 9 qualities, it won’t work. He must have all 10 qualities.
Here are some examples of my qualities:
1. high emotional intelligence
2. romantic
3. physically active
4. spiritual
5. has imagination/creativity/visionary
6. loves people (I can take him anywhere and know he will be kind and appropriate)Of course everybody’s non-negotiable list is different. And it’s important that you test out what is on your list. I used to have athletic in place of active, but I soon discovered, I was okay with a guy who exercised in his own way…he didn’t have to play a sport or be athletic…it is my preference for him to be athletic, but I cannot be with a guy who isn’t active. Do you see the difference?? It’s important for you to get very clear about the qualities you cannot live without and that is the core of how and who you choose to date.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Oh man! I get that last part too! MANY times people, especially the guys I have dated, will reach out wanting to connect with me, but I know they just want to use me for my energy. Their experience with me, however brief, gave them a unique experience of themselves and they want to feel it again….of course, most people are not aware they are doing this…lol. They just know you pop in their mind and they find they are craving to connect.
It’s important to protect yourself energetically. When you have that kind of impact on people, it’s important that you take care of yourself and that is the lesson to learn. I have found myself wanting to connect when a guy reaches out and always find myself giving and not receiving. My lesson is the same….to learn to be discerning. Sometimes, I can connect, knowing exactly what is happening and I’m totally good with it! I am okay with offering them what they are seeking, no matter how brief. Other times, I am not centered enough and those are the times it’s important for me to be more caring about myself than the other person.
So when you start to feel “bad” when other people are pressuring you, what is happening for you? What part of you is getting activated? If you were totally centered and happy with how your life was, they wouldn’t be able to make you feel anything, no matter their opinions, because you are solid. So this is good for you to understand about yourself….they are showing you a part of yourself that you are not connected to….why are they able to make you feel bad about being single?
Heidi
Heidi
I get it. I am single as well. Everyone around me is married with kids or at least in a relationship. I too look at all of them and wonder…why do they get to have their “love” and I don’t? Am I doing something wrong?? It seems online dating is the way to meet people these days, but holy smokes that platform is exhausting! I’ve done it plenty of times, but for now and who I am….I just have no interest. Then I remember back in the day when there wasn’t online dating. I met guys EVERYWHERE!!! I met a guy once at a gas station! It can happen anywhere Emily. You could be at the grocery store and turn the corner and BAM! You exchange smiles and the rest is history. You are thinking about how to meet a guy from a VERY SMALL perspective. The possibilities are endless here! Haven’t you had many moments in your life that are wonderful surprises that you never thought could happen?? Expand your thinking into “anything is possible” instead of trying to figure out, all on your own, how to meet a guy. That’s not even your job….your job here is to be best version of yourself….to love yourself and let that love expand out beyond your body and into the universe, so that it touches everyone. Your light affects people! Just shine that light….that’s it! Trust that the rest will fall into place when it does. If you are inspired to go online, then go online. If you aren’t, then don’t. Let go of trying to control the situation and make something happen.
It’s really not that complicated. What is complicated is that you don’t feel complete and whole without a guy being in your life….you are looking for “him” to fill some part of you, so you can feel that connection….yes?? Anytime I start to feel like I am tired and I want to meet my guy and I start taking action towards that direction….it immediately tells me I’m off my center. Whenever I am looking for something outside of myself to create a feeling, I know that I not aligned with myself. I am missing something and I need to pay attention to what that is….not try and fix it by finding something outside of me to fix it.
I have been single for awhile now and I do have that rollercoaster ride for sure where I am craving a man and feeling love and then feeling peaceful without it. However, as time goes on, the ups and downs are much smaller and waaaay less frequent. I am completely content in my life right now. I love my life. If a guy comes along, I am open to it. Until then, I have no need to look or put myself out there. I am just focusing on being my biggest light possible and spreading the love in whatever way that I can….a guy will come along and be affected by that, no matter where I am at or what I am doing. I don’t have to “do” anything….I just have to be me and live my life with love and joy and keep working on staying connected to myself…that’s it!
heidi
Hi Hampton,
First, I want to say that I am so sorry for what you went through. Being sexually assaulted is incredibly traumatizing. Have you gotten any help for that? You need some help to process that moment. It is VERY possible to heal and get past that moment. You deserve to feel that! You don’t need to live with those feelings forever. Forgetting about it doesn’t work. A trauma like that gets all the way into the depths of your being. You will never forget it, but you CAN heal the hurt that surrounds it.
Unfortunately your ex just traumatized you all over again and added to all the lies that are floating around your mind and heart all of the time. There is not a single amount of truth in anything that he has said to you about that event. He is verbally abusive, he is uncaring and not at all connected to compassion or empathy.
I don’t know how to be more clear than to say RUN RUN RUN away from this guy!!! He will NEVER listen to you….he doesn’t have that capacity. I know he has had “moments” where he listened, but moments are not enough to sustain any kind of relationship. HE CANNOT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
You are giving all of your power away to him. He is exactly like your mother. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care how you feel, he blames you for how you are feeling, he is not interested in who you really are. THIS IS NOT LOVE!! You have a very distorted version of what love is, because no one ever showed you. You have paired love with neglect, being ignored, being dis-regarded. Just because he said he loved you and wanted to build a life with you, doesn’t mean it’s healthy. There may have been chemistry between you guys, but the true version of love is compassionate, caring, gentle, curious, safe and sustainable. This is not at all what your mother offered you and now your ex.
Instead of focusing your energy on getting him back, what about focusing on yourself? I would HIGHLY suggest to find a therapist to help you through this. You have been through an INCREDIBLE amount of trauma in your life and you need healing. Even if you leave this guy and focus your attention elsewhere, you will just keep picking the same kind of guy over and over and over again.
Are you willing to get help???
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
What if something didn’t go “wrong?” DO NOT send him a text about how you could be a better girlfriend!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This is about him ghosting and not communicating to you what has happened for him, so if anything….he is in the dog house here! He is not being honest, clear, upfront and authentic. If you ask him how you could be better, it’s like being desperate to get him back when in reality, he needs to work his ass off to get you back!
Yes…online dating is difficult, no doubt about it! Be comforted to know it is not just you. MANY people really struggle with it. I always tell people to make sure they are in a good space before going online, because it’s tough more often than not, especially for the ladies. We tend to take things more personally than men do. We are just built differently. Online dating is really set up and functions how men would want to date, not women. It’s not you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Maybe give the online thing a break. Take some time to yourself and build your self esteem back up and get re-connected to yourself. Let the idea of this guy go. If he wants to connect, he will. If not, you are moving on with your life.
Go have some fun! What kinds of things can you do to bring some joy and laughter into your life??
Heidi
Hi Tamara,
What if something didn’t go “wrong?” DO NOT send him a text about how you could be a better girlfriend!!! THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!! This is about him ghosting and not communicating to you what has happened for him, so if anything….he is in the dog house here! He is not being honest, clear, upfront and authentic. If you ask him how you could be better, it’s like being desperate to get him back when in reality, he needs to work his ass off to get you back!
Yes…online dating is difficult, no doubt about it! Be comforted to know it is not just you. MANY people really struggle with it. I always tell people to make sure they are in a good space before going online, because it’s tough more often than not, especially for the ladies. We tend to take things more personally than men do. We are just built differently. Online dating is really set up and functions how men would want to date, not women. It’s not you. There is nothing wrong with you.
Maybe give the online thing a break. Take some time to yourself and build your self esteem back up and get re-connected to yourself. Let the idea of this guy go. If he wants to connect, he will. If not, you are moving on with your life.
Go have some fun! What kinds of things can you do to bring some joy and laughter into your life??
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I understand how you feel. So many people, including myself, have said “Is it me??”
Here is the truth…the right guy won’t care if you don’t show enough attention or show too much interest. The right guy will be inspired by you and there will be something in him that will be able to see all of your insecurities, your limitations and your beauty and wonderfulness and want to know you, regardless. The right guy will have a feeling inside of him that will make him want to be around you, without doubt or hesitation.
These guys are not the right guys. It’s not you. It’s not them. It’s BOTH of you. It’s that there is something missing and it’s no one fault. It’s not about you being any different than just being yourself to “catch” their attention. There is just something that is missing in the situation….and “x” factor that is unknowable and un-seeable that is influencing what is happening. There is nothing to fix or change here.
It’s important that you connect back to yourself. So what if you don’t meet a guy a right now. You have such a wonderful life that is full of all kinds of people and adventures. The right guy will show up when it’s meant to happen. Trust in that. Just be yourself, even if it’s too interested or not interested enough….just be you and if a guy isn’t responsive to that, that’s okay! He is not for you anyway. The right guy won’t be so much work. You will just get to feel 100% like yourself. You will feel a comfort level with him that is beyond words. Give it some time Emilie and have patience.
Focus your attention on everything you DO have and let go of the idea of wanting a guy. Trust he will show up at some point. Until then….it’s a continued adventure!Heidi
Hi Nicole,
So how are you feeling about all that I have shared, aside from looking at the possibility of a couple’s therapist?
I said some things that may have been hard for you to hear. Are you rejecting it, absorbing it, thinking about it, not sure? What is your viewpoint about your relationship now? What are you going to do if he crosses your boundaries again? Any plan?
Heidi
Hi Tina,
It sounds like you are really figuring this out and getting some good clarity about how you can handle yourself differently. He is sooooo lucky to have you….someone who cares about how they affect him by taking responsibility for themselves. That is a rare quality!
You are owning your crap, you are waking up to new parts of yourself, you are learning new skills and you are communicating all of it with him. You are being a wonderful role model for him as well!
Keep having compassion for yourself. Even with all that I know and understand about dating, relationships, men, myself etc….I still fall and stumble because I get triggered in some way. I just shake my head, brush off my knees and say, “Well…there’s a soft spot. Good to know it’s there…time to get to work :)” Whatever shows up for you is just information. Do not make it right or wrong or bad or good…it’s just information. Being in a relationship and being in love is like going to school. There are a lot of things you get to learn about yourself that only love can teach you. When you take the judgment out of the process and replace it with understanding and compassion for yourself, you will be able to offer your guy the exact same thing in return, as he stumbles and fumbles through “love school” as well.
You are doing an incredible job!!!
How did he respond to your messages that you shared above?
Heidi
Hi Tina!
Thank you for all that you have shared! We are really glad that you are here and sharing your story with us.
Here is the thing Tina. You want some type of guarantee from him….a commitment. Reality is, even with a commitment, he could do this again. You have the ability to up and leave because something has shifted inside of you. Relationships and love are a HUGE risk. There is no way around that. Even people who are together for 30 years break up. Commitment is a moment to moment choice, right?
Let’s look at this from a different perspective to help deal with the fear. You don’t trust him and feel safe with him emotionally. That means you are handing over your trust for HIM to take care of and behave in a certain way so you feel emotionally safe. THAT”S YOUR JOB, not his.
Trust needs to kept and taken care of by you. This is how that would look…”I trust myself that no matter what he decides to do or how he behaves, I WILL BE OKAY! I am resilient, I am strong, I am emotionally intelligent, I have people that can support me through my challenges. I TRUST IN MYSELF that I will be okay no matter what happens.” When you feel that way and put the focus on yourself, it takes all the pressure off of him to behave in a certain way so you can feel safe. When you hand your trust over to him, it’s like walking on a tight rope, 100 feet in the air, and you have given HIM the responsibility to make sure that safety net is under you. OF COURSE you are up there, scared to death and not wanting to move, because you don’t want to fall, because that safety net may or may not be there.
When you take care of your own emotional safety and trust, you are now walking on that tight rope with the GUARANTEE that safety net is there because YOU are the one that put it there. Now….you can relax more and have more peace as you take these risks with your heart.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
I understand your thought process, but there is a big thing missing here and that is respect. You can set boundaries all you want. You already did set boundaries and he broke them and so did she. Which, btw, I would not advise talking to her anymore. This is between you and your guy, NOT HER. Bringing her into the situation can just make things so much more messy and you are trying to get her to care about you, when it’s your guy that needs to be doing that. It’s obvious neither of them care about how you are feeling. They both want what they want.
Neither of them are respecting you in this situation, because they don’t even respect themselves. So my question is, you want him to respect your boundaries, but when he crosses the line, then what? You have a guy who blames you for how he is feeling, you have a guy who is crossing your boundaries all over the place and then blames you for that too….yet you don’t want to be a doormat?? Let’s be realistic here….he can do whatever he wants and there are no consequences and you have taught him that. You are not respecting yourself either.
I know you want a happy environment. I see that you are really making efforts to try and make that happen, but you need him participating and wanting the same things. Without him on the same page, you be a hamster in a hamster wheel. That’s why I am suggesting doing something different. You set boundaries, they got crossed again and again. The odds of him respecting your boundaries this time around are pretty low. If anything, he just might go underground and keep a lot of it a secret. There are some CORE issues here, for both of you that need to be looked at and exposed if you want that happy environment. Find a therapist that can help. I love http://www.gottman.com They have the MOST AMAZING and powerful couples advice! You can look up a therapist who is certified by them and maybe find one in your area. Or maybe go to a retreat they put on.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Linda!
It sounds like everything is clearing up for you! It sounds like you guys are doing really well and are solid! This makes me really happy! I love hearing how you 2 experience each other! The honeymoon phase CAN last a loooong time 😉
Keep us updated and let us know how the conversation goes with him. When is he supposed to move in?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Okay…this is making more sense now.
When he finally admitted to not being happy in the marriage, did this make sense to you? How did you feel about the marriage? My guess is, there was a lot less sex and intimacy, less connection to each other and the spark slowly went out. Can you see how this happened?
It’s a bummer that he didn’t communicate all of this from the beginning. That’s where he is responsible. You cannot do or change anything unless he communicates with you.
The point of seeing a therapist is they help hold you BOTH accountable, help you create a plan, create a safe space to honest, they proved objectivity and teach you skills you both can start to develop. It’s like going to see a specialist for something. Obviously, the talking and communicating is not working…so his reasons for not seeing a therapist don’t hold up. You both have a lot of feelings happening here and neither of you know how to navigate through them in a healthy way.
He is sending a clear message to you that you don’t matter. He is going to do what he wants and how you feel doesn’t matter. That is a problem here. Reality is…if the other woman WAS interested, they would be together. He would leave or have a secret affair. So there is a core issue here beyond him being angry at you. Which, btw….it’s not your fault that he is making this decision. Him blaming you for how things are turning out, just tells me he is either really narcissistic or extremely fragile and can’t handle being held accountable to a situation.
So what do you want Nicole? Let’s say his anger goes down and you guys start re-connecting again. What he has shown you and taught you is that if you make a stink about this on any level, he will disconnect. So if he connects again, it basically means you have to keep your mouth shut and let him do what he wants if you want to keep the peace.
Is that what you are willing to do?
Heidi
