[Heidi G]

Hi Avis,
Thank you for joining us here and sharing your challenges….

Ouch! This must hurt so deeply. I just have a few questions….

1. Has he always been hurtful with words, even before he had an affair?
2. Was this his first affair that you are aware of?
3. Has he always blamed you for how things were?
4. What exactly is he blaming you for?

I am wondering what your marriage was like BEFORE the affair or before he claimed he wasn’t “in love” with you anymore. Can you tell me more about that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

My heart goes out to you. I wish there were a simple, easy trick to use in order to help someone deal with the loss and heartache.

I want to explain something to you and hopefully it can bring SOME type of understanding about people in general. It’s called “the upper limit.”

Basically, it’s a limit of how happy they will allow themselves to be. This “limit” is completely subconscious and most people have no clue about this. It’s really great to discover this, as then you can watch for the signs and symptoms of your own upper limit

I will try and make this really simple. Imagine there is a scale of 0-10. Let’s say that your upper limit – how happy you will allow yourself to be – is at a 3. When you start to reach a 3, maybe in relationship, or a job, or financially – your emotional system (subconsciously) will start to do things to sabotage, to make sure you never pass 3. The upper limit number is DIRECTLY linked to how much low self esteem a person has. We all have low self esteem in areas of our lives, so maybe someone’s upper limit is 7 in the area of finances, but maybe it’s a 2 in relationship and love. It’s different for everyone. The way that you know someone is reaching their upper limit is by paying attention to how they sabotage. Some people disappear, some people’s romantic feelings start to go away, some people will start to argue more, some people may make a HUGE decision without consulting their partner….there are a million ways to ruin connection. Either way…it keeps the upper limit where that person believes they deserve it. But again, remember that no one is aware of this consciously. They just know that they feel something and give it authority without questioning what the REAL TRUTH is behind what they are feeling.
I will tell you this….surpassing your upper limit is VERY DIFFICULT! It’s crazy uncomfortable because the only way to increase your ability to be happy is to face the low self esteem….and that takes you to places in your psyche that you have buried for a reason. It’s a lot of work and it’s scary…at least at first it is.

So….I know this sounds completely backwards and doesn’t make much sense, but my guess is, he is unconsciously choosing to disconnect because he doesn’t trust how happy he feels. Feeling as happy as he was feeling may have been the trigger for him to run in the opposite direction. He may not trust feeling happy, feel safe being happy and even like feeling happy (subconsciously). The reasons don’t matter…what matters is that you see this pattern and there is a reason for this pattern. And whatever the reasons are…they are scary and painful for him and most likely VERY BURIED deep inside. Hence….why he will always sabotage until he faces whatever is going for him.

I understand you are angry. Anger is a secondary emotion….meaning there is another emotion under it, that sources the anger….which is hurt. Your heart is broken and you need to work on healing.

The first way to start healing is to stop blaming him and “men.” Remember that you are the common denominator between all the guys you have chosen to connect with. There is a lot for you to learn here about yourself and many gifts that can come out of your pain if you choose to look at this way. It doesn’t mean that the anger and the hurt will go away….it’s more about staying connected to the truth of a situation vs. getting caught up in the trauma drama of it all. When you work with the truth about a situation, then you can heal. The truth here is…he is wounded and terrified and is sabotaging connection. You have attracted another emotionally unavailable man into your life. You both are doing the best that you know how with the skills and knowledge that you have at the moment. You BOTH are triggered. He is having a response to something (which he most likely doesn’t understand) and you are having a response to him.

You will make it through this Dana. You CAN heal, but making a conscious choice, every single second of every single day to forgive and let go and ask to see the truth about this situation will take you a loooong ways and through a much faster process.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Samantha,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges! Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this…

I just have a few questions first:

1. How long did you date previously? What was the reason for the breakup? And then how long were you apart before you got back together again?
2. When you were together before, was he still in process of trying to build his business?

I do know how much time and energy something like that takes. I am wondering if he is just focused on that aspect and that is why he is not opening up for you in the way you are wanting. Many men can be very 1 dimensional. If 1 thing needs all their attention, many other areas of their life can get put aside. Do you notice this at all?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Becki,

I’m so sorry to hear all of this!

It sounds like there is still time to salvage this, as he is not in a hurry. I just have a few more questions.

1. Could you tell he wasn’t happy or something was wrong?
2. Has he communicated at all about how he is not happy with you per se? Anything that you could work on improving to be a better partner?
3. Having your daughter and grandchild in the house is difficult. Has he admitted to that being part of his stress?
4. Has he ever mentioned divorce before this time?
5. How would you describe your relationship (before he moved out)?

The more detail you offer, the easier it is for us to guide you in the best way we know how.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rose,

I understand he is your “perfect” guy. He is attractive, he is kind, he is very well liked by everyone. I’m curious…do you know what he struggles with? Do you know what his limitations are? Do you know what he is like when he gets angry? Do you know how he treats someone when they hurt him deeply?

The thing is…you have a window view to who he really is. Meaning, you are only able to see the inside of the house (him) from the window. You are not on the inside to know what the house smells like, feels like, the sounds it makes. You just have a partial view of him. You say he wouldn’t cheat on you, but you don’t know that. I know people with an INCREDIBLE amount of integrity who have found themselves having a quick one night stand and it shocks the heck out of everyone, including themselves. Everyone is capable of everything, given the right circumstances, just because of the simple fact that we are all human.

You have put this guy on a pedestal and he doesn’t deserve to be there. NO ONE ever deserves to be on a pedestal. You are making him better than you and better than any other guy that is out there. With him being on that pedestal, it doesn’t give him much room to be human and messy, because he is.

Believe what he says. With what you have shared so far, he basically is saying he doesn’t want to be a father yet. Being with you means he is an instant dad and he is so young and wants to experience more of life before doing something like that. For a lot of men, marriage can feel very restricting and like a rope. He most likely is absorbing the idea being role modeled to him either by his own family, parents of friends, watching movies etc. There are all kinds of similar thoughts out there. He is still really young and has to work through all of that on his own. As he gets older and starts to naturally feel ready to settle down (usually around ages 28-30), he will have to look at his beliefs about marriage….but for now, it’s a very distant thought for him and it doesn’t matter.

I know it will hurt to let go of the vision you have with him. There is no doubt it will hurt. Can you trust that God has a plan for you? Can you have faith that God can help you through this and help you create a new vision for yourself? Can you let go and let God? Hand your paid over to Him and let Him help you heal. By holding onto this guy that isn’t interested, you are basically not allowing for any other possibilities to show up in your life that God may have waiting for you. You are putting your life on hold. Can you trust that you are strong enough to go through the hurt of letting this guy go?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jay,

Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges. This is such a common story on here. There is a strong connection, great communication and then all of a sudden, something changes and the lady is left wondering what the heck just happened? I wish there was a simple answer, but reality is, the reasons are different for each guy.

Let’s see if we can do some investigating here:
How long has it been happening like this? Do you know much about his past relationships and childhood? Did he initiate talking about the future? Many times, a guy will talk about the future with his lady and then later have a knee jerk reaction as he realizes what he has done….lol. I’m guessing he is afraid of something. Maybe afraid of falling in love, afraid of combining lives somehow, afraid of commitment, afraid of being vulnerable.

Have you ever asked him directly what is happening for him and what has changed??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

I’m so sorry! This is definitely a mystery and something that is so difficult. My guess is as well, it went too fast again. In your original conversation when he helped you with his car and you talked about what the heck happened, he admitted that things were moving too fast and even in that moment you said to him that HE was the one inviting you up every weekend and reaching out all the time. The same just happened again right? He is reaching out, inviting you, complimenting you and you are playing it cool thinking everything is okay. Then he hits a wall and needs to create some distance and space without talking to you about it.

Here is the thing though…we can play guessing games all we want. It doesn’t really matter. The point is, it is happening again. He is NOT getting better at communicating. THIS IS WHO HE IS!! You are saying “no, it isn’t…I can tell something is off” but this is who he is when something is off. This is who he is when he feels stressed. He goes rogue and into his cave and doesn’t tell you. So the first thing that needs to happen here is stop trying to figure out what has happened and assuming you did something wrong. It’s not for you to figure out. You are not a mind reader. He needs to communicate what is happening for him and if he doesn’t, there is not a dam thing you can do about it. You are spending all of your energy trying to “fix” something and figure out what you did, when reality is, you have no information to do that with! You are gonna drive yourself crazy trying to figure this out! So stop…take a breathe and give yourself some peace by letting this go. He needs to figure this out WITH you. I know you want answers so you can understand. With someone like this, who doesn’t communicate, you might just have to get used to NOT figuring anything out and being peaceful in the “unknown” and waiting until he comes around.

Your job and the only thing you have control over at this very moment, is your reaction to all of this. You are angry and frustrated….of course. First, instead of trying to understand what happened, see if you can connect to the deeper truth…the source of what is happening. Someone who doesn’t communicate, usually has a lot of fear they are dealing with, mostly on a subconscious level. My guess is, he doesn’t REALLY understand what is happening for him. He just knows he needs to create some space for himself. Can you soften at all and find some compassion that he is dealing with fear? I wonder why? He could have been abused, he could have had some very scary or embarrassing moments in his life to contribute to this behavior…either way…there is fear and that is hard for anyone to face and deal with. Having compassion for his struggles can go a loooong way. It doesn’t mean you participate in this design, it just means you have compassion for what he is going through. Second, your needs are not being met. It’s important for YOU to meet your needs right now and not him. You feel betrayed and abandoned and most likely fooled. He is showing up one way, connecting with you, inspiring you to open your heart to him and then he disappears. Focus your attention on healing your heart. What can you do to comfort yourself? What can you do to find your ground again? What can you do to forgive him for not being the kind of “man” you needed him to be? Then after you work through all of this and find your peace again….it might be time to re-evaluate whether are willing to go through this again, because it’s most likely going to happen again. Yes, he needs to work on communication. Whatever is happening is much deeper than a simple behavioral change. The change needs to come from him facing whatever fear is causing him to disappear. I’m not sure he is that kind of guy.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Dana,

Man….I am so sorry!

Before jumping to any conclusions, you need to gather more information. When someone has ghosted like this, something really may have happened. The first thing I would do would text and say something like this, “I am really getting worried right now. I’m starting to think you are in a hospital bed somewhere or even worse. If I don’t hear from you by tomorrow, I am going to start calling around the hospitals and police stations to see if your name comes up. If you are just ghosting and ignoring me for some reason, please just respond with a simple text, I’m okay. It will relieve a lot of stress for me. I will then just leave you be. I just need to know you are okay.”

Let’s start with that. You are creating a pretty big story in your head about what has happened and it’s all based on your imagination….no facts. Remember that. Is there any other way to find out if he is okay? Can you call his work and ask to talk to him or something of that nature? If they say yes, then you know he is okay and he is ghosting for some reason. Who knows…even something crazy like being diagnosed with a life threatening illness could have happened. Anything could have happened….don’t jump to conclusions quite yet. Just try and gather more information first.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Marcia,

Just a few questions….what is it that you REALLY are hoping to have happen if you contact him?

This issue IS solved. If it is not solved, it’s just because you have not resolved it inside of yourself. You do not need him in order to feel closure for anything.

If you do decide to reach out, you can easily say something really simple like, “I was thinking about you the other day and something in me really wanted to reach out and see if you were doing okay. I know we didn’t end things very gracefully, but that is in the past now. I have learned a lot about myself since then….thank goodness! Hopefully life is treating you well, as you deserve that. If you ever feel like catching up over coffee or something, I’m open. If not, I understand. Take care!”

How does that make you feel?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Disha,

It sounds like you guys have reconnected a bit. I have been around Doctors and Doctor’s wives a TON in my life and I will tell you, the amount that he is communicating is impressive. The Doctors have quite the reputation for being quite unavailable most of the time. They respond when they can, and when they can’t, you just have to wait. It’s the nature of the job. What kind of Doctor is he??

If he is still on media quite a bit, he still may also be keeping his options open and dating as well, therefore not as available. I imagine you have considered this…yes?

I concur with Kanya. Taking it easy, backing off and reminding him how grateful you are for what he IS doing vs. everything he isn’t doing is a good approach!!! It sounds like he responded really well to that!

I would be cautious with someone who says “I love you” so soon. I would tread even more slowly to see what is going on for him that he would say something so “sacred” this early in the game. Hopefully you are not getting hooked by this. Love takes TIME to grow and you guys don’t quite have that yet.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rose!

Welcome! We are really glad you are here sharing your story…thank you for all the detailed info and all of your thoughts.

I’m just going to be straight up here Rose. He is not interested and that’s very clear. It doesn’t matter “why” he is not interested, it’s important to just accept that he does not have an attraction to you like you do to him.

This last text that you sent him was a lot, especially since you guys barely talk. It’s been 2 years since he hasn’t been responding to you, and then you send him that long message and sent into some sexual fantasy a bit as well….he is going to NOT respond to any of that because you guys aren’t even friends. HE KNOWS you are trying to hook him and he doesn’t want to be hooked.

You are chasing after a guy that isn’t interested and you have been holding onto this “ideal” about him and you even mentioned that you love him….that’s pretty intense for not knowing someone very well.

I get it though. I have done the same thing in my past before and looking back now, knowing everything I know about the emotions and the psyche, I was just wanting to be loved so badly, because I didn’t get much from my father. I suspect you are doing the same thing. It’s pretty typical for people who have been abused by a parent, to have a version of love that is not very clear and full of all kinds of pain and woundedness….and most people don’t even know it. The moment you start chasing after a guy that is unavailable for you, you are picking someone like your father. It’s as simple as that. Your father was unavailable for you emotionally and so is this guy. Your father rejected you and so did this guy (and still is). I know this guy is a completely different person, but your psyche, deep down, is having a similar experience. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT thing for you to start taking care of yourself….loving yourself sooooo much that you don’t keep putting yourself in rejecting situations. It hurts all over again! You grew up with that for years and probably still do….let go of this guy and stop adding to your hurt and rejection.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I’m so sorry you are not able to have what you want. It’s hard and there is no way around it. It’s also a part of life sometimes and these moments are great learning experiences if you choose to look at it that way. Would you ever be willing to get some help to deal with your past?? I have to say…..I started therapy at 18 years old and have never stopped seeking people to help me emotionally. It’s the best thing I have ever done in my life! There is no way, in a million years, I would have the wonderful life I have, without having gotten help from specialists. Besides…you have a child…the more emotionally healthy you are for her, the better mom you are gonna be.

HOw does all of this make you feel?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay…this makes a bit more sense. Yes, I think you were giving away your power to him and trying to make something work more for your ego vs. your truest, purest desires of your heart.

I’m so glad you found your heart and brought your ego back to its senses!

Now it’s time to re-create a different experience! I have a feeling you will take a break from social media and maybe want to meet someone organically.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Carmen,

I wanted to check in and see how everything is going with you guys. Is it still continuing to progress in the way you are enjoying?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

hahaha! This is so interesting! Besides the alcohol, was there something that happened that brought on this realization? Whatever it was….yay! You are connecting back to yourself again and realizing you are not feeling how you want to feel! This is so great!!!

I am happy to hear the clarity that has come forth out of alcohol! It doesn’t happen often…lol

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emilie,

I like this idea! I think you having the strength to be honest and who you really are, is going to give this best chance. I love how Kanya put it. I think it’s important to admit that you have been “all over the place” but what you do know for sure, is that you are interested in getting to know him more. It’s clear, it’s admitting to your own limitations and then the ball is in his court to follow up on that.

Keep us updated. You don’t need to way too long to send this. You can always start the text by saying, “I was talking with a friend today and realized I have been all over the place with my life recently….(then finish what Kanya said).” This can give a reason why you would be texting him without him responding to your last message.

I’m really curious to see what happens.

Heidi

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