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Hi Rose!
Welcome! We are really glad you are here sharing your story…thank you for all the detailed info and all of your thoughts.
I’m just going to be straight up here Rose. He is not interested and that’s very clear. It doesn’t matter “why” he is not interested, it’s important to just accept that he does not have an attraction to you like you do to him.
This last text that you sent him was a lot, especially since you guys barely talk. It’s been 2 years since he hasn’t been responding to you, and then you send him that long message and sent into some sexual fantasy a bit as well….he is going to NOT respond to any of that because you guys aren’t even friends. HE KNOWS you are trying to hook him and he doesn’t want to be hooked.
You are chasing after a guy that isn’t interested and you have been holding onto this “ideal” about him and you even mentioned that you love him….that’s pretty intense for not knowing someone very well.
I get it though. I have done the same thing in my past before and looking back now, knowing everything I know about the emotions and the psyche, I was just wanting to be loved so badly, because I didn’t get much from my father. I suspect you are doing the same thing. It’s pretty typical for people who have been abused by a parent, to have a version of love that is not very clear and full of all kinds of pain and woundedness….and most people don’t even know it. The moment you start chasing after a guy that is unavailable for you, you are picking someone like your father. It’s as simple as that. Your father was unavailable for you emotionally and so is this guy. Your father rejected you and so did this guy (and still is). I know this guy is a completely different person, but your psyche, deep down, is having a similar experience. It’s the MOST IMPORTANT thing for you to start taking care of yourself….loving yourself sooooo much that you don’t keep putting yourself in rejecting situations. It hurts all over again! You grew up with that for years and probably still do….let go of this guy and stop adding to your hurt and rejection.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I’m so sorry you are not able to have what you want. It’s hard and there is no way around it. It’s also a part of life sometimes and these moments are great learning experiences if you choose to look at it that way. Would you ever be willing to get some help to deal with your past?? I have to say…..I started therapy at 18 years old and have never stopped seeking people to help me emotionally. It’s the best thing I have ever done in my life! There is no way, in a million years, I would have the wonderful life I have, without having gotten help from specialists. Besides…you have a child…the more emotionally healthy you are for her, the better mom you are gonna be.
HOw does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Okay…this makes a bit more sense. Yes, I think you were giving away your power to him and trying to make something work more for your ego vs. your truest, purest desires of your heart.
I’m so glad you found your heart and brought your ego back to its senses!
Now it’s time to re-create a different experience! I have a feeling you will take a break from social media and maybe want to meet someone organically.
Heidi
Hi Carmen,
I wanted to check in and see how everything is going with you guys. Is it still continuing to progress in the way you are enjoying?
Heidi
hahaha! This is so interesting! Besides the alcohol, was there something that happened that brought on this realization? Whatever it was….yay! You are connecting back to yourself again and realizing you are not feeling how you want to feel! This is so great!!!
I am happy to hear the clarity that has come forth out of alcohol! It doesn’t happen often…lol
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I like this idea! I think you having the strength to be honest and who you really are, is going to give this best chance. I love how Kanya put it. I think it’s important to admit that you have been “all over the place” but what you do know for sure, is that you are interested in getting to know him more. It’s clear, it’s admitting to your own limitations and then the ball is in his court to follow up on that.
Keep us updated. You don’t need to way too long to send this. You can always start the text by saying, “I was talking with a friend today and realized I have been all over the place with my life recently….(then finish what Kanya said).” This can give a reason why you would be texting him without him responding to your last message.
I’m really curious to see what happens.
Heidi
Hi Lucia,
Welcome! You are right, this one is a doozy! Thank you for sharing!
It sounds like you both have a wonderful connection with each other. Just a few questions….how long have you been sleeping together now? Has it ever been discussed about what you guys are actually doing? Meaning, the design of your relationship? How do you know he is still looking for another guy? It sounds like he might be bisexual in moments, but his heart actually might be more gay. Is this what you are sensing? Has he ever had a long term relationship with a woman?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggles. Let’s see if we can help remedy the situation.
How was it resolved on your end? Meaning, he said he didn’t want to date or be friends, but did you agree or did you try and apologize and try to make everything better? Is it your pattern to “go off” when your feelings get hurt or offended? Honestly, I tell people to stay away from someone who can get verbally abusive. Whatever it is that you said to him, he is right to walk away and not want to date someone who views him in a negative way. Do you understand this?
Do you still see each other at work? Have you tried to talk to him at all and he isn’t responding? A little more detail will be helpful so we can better guide you through this.
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Okay…I get it. You felt something a little different and more with him. Are you sure there is a “misunderstanding?” What kind of misunderstanding do you think has happened?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I am wondering why you are wanting it to work with J? I can’t imagine that you would want to be with a guy who responds to manipulative messages. You talked with your guy friend about “why can’t guys just be honest” and then here you are sending a very manipulative message and not being honest, in order to catch his attention. I’m wondering why? What is it about this guy that makes you want to do this?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
How much research have you done on learning about bipolar? Have you talked to or red stories or books about being in relationship with a bipolar person?? There are 2 reasons this is important….I feels like you have a bit of a fantasy going on with this guy. Yes, you love him and yes, there is an amazing connection. AND you are walking into a VERY DIFFICULT situation. I’m not sure things would ever be “amazing” with someone who has bipolar. It’s a rollercoaster ride. There are amazing moments, but the amount of unpredictability can be very stressful. I have a friend who is bipolar and he has managed it for 40 years. To this very day he say, “I have no idea when I wake up, who I am going to be. Every single day is a surprise.” It’s a lot to deal with. Relationships are a TON of work already, but to add bipolar to the equation, means your load is DOUBLE! It’s CRUCIAL that you are realistic about this. Love DOES NOT conquer all. I understand and know you will move forward with this regardless. It’s part of being a 22 year old. You have a ton of energy and willingness to jump into things and that’s okay. Go for it! The best way for you to handle this, is to be really get grounded in the truth about the situation and not have any fantasy of how great things will be. This is not going to be easy. Therefore, if you do a lot of reading and research, you will find A LOT of helpful tips about how to be in relationship with someone who has bipolar. I think those books will give you a good idea of what you are walking into and help prepare you. And FYI….in manic phases, their libido shoots through the roof, so you have seen him in a manic phase.
It sounds like he has a lot to learn about how to deal with this emotionally. Has he ever gotten help himself? He could learn some skills about what to do. Simply even saying, “I’m depressed, I need some time” and you know to just leave him alone and he will return whenever he is ready. It sounds like he still might be in that phase. Have you asked him outright to teach you? If you live with fear of rejection or saying or doing the “wrong” thing that ends up pushing him away….let it go. First of all, relationship must endure the humanness we are. There is not way in the world you will ever say and do everything perfectly. You will make a million mistakes and if a relationship cannot sustain through those moments, then it wasn’t meant to last anyways. If you head into fear because of his bipolar, then you are joining him vs. getting wrapped up in it. You need to stay separate than it. The moment you get pulled into it WITH him (like your last visit) disaster will happen. If you are afraid of it, disaster will happen. Look at it objectively. His reactions and moods are HIS….not a reflection of you personally. You, of course, can make those moods bigger by adding to them and getting involved with his moods. Part of the skill is to not let his moods creep over and influence who you are, what you want to say and who you want to be.
So ask him, “It seems we have been more platonic since I got back home. I know we had a huge fight, but I need you to help me. Are we acting like this because of a depressed mood, or are we like this because you still feel hurt from some things I said? I want to understand.”
He needs to be willing to let you in. If he won’t talk about it when you are over the phone, he sure as heck isn’t going to talk about it if you move there. He needs to a good teacher for you and really let you into his process if this is ever going to work.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Is your mother okay??
I would agree with your therapist.
There is something that’s important here to look at. It’s VERY hard to align with, but can ultimately bring some peace and closure. What if you stopped trying to figure out “why” and just looked at the fact that it’s darn confusing. The fact that there are soooo many mixed signals in the first place, is a problem in and of itself. So it’s kind of like saying, “You know…this is so messy. I don’t understand why, how or what the problems are. All I know is that are problems and I don’t have a partner helping me figure this out. That’s enough for me to know that it isn’t working.” So what about giving your mind some peace and stop trying to figure him out and just let it go. There are so many problems happening here….that in and of itself is enough for you to know that this relationship is much more work than it is nourishing. When the scales get tipped like that, it’s important for you to look inside of yourself and say, “Why am I choosing to stay in a relationship when past the expiration date? Why am I staying in a relationship with a guy who is not working WITH me to resolve things? Why am I staying with a guy who is so confused and sends so many mixed signals?”
Do you have answers to these??
Heidi
Hello!
You are asking some wonderful questions!
1. I think you are doing a good job by NOT answering his texts right away. Sometimes it’s okay…other times, wait an hour or 2. You want to be a bit “unpredictable.” You want him to feel like you have a life and are not dependent solely on him and waiting for him all of the time.
2. This is a tricky area. I suggest to back off quite a bit with the sexting. You are getting him connected to the sexual intimacy and it’s your way of pulling him into connection and making you feel wanted by him. I know this is not what you want to establish in the beginning. Like Kanya said, it’s CRUCIAL to build friendship, take things slow…and most of all…know that his attraction to you is built from who you are vs. what you can offer him physically. It’s soooo easy for the sex to get involved in the beginning and creating connection from that space. It’s not sustainable that way. You want more, so you need to see if that is even possible. Build the friendship, the laughter, have good conversations. Being flirty is totally good and important, but I would suggest to stay away from the sexting…as you are right…it is misleading.
3. DO you know why you have anxiety about this? Meaning…where does this come from? Your parents? Your family environment? Past relationships? Where does this pattern begin from?
If he is truly a workaholic, then NO….he will not change. He will always be a workaholic, because that is how he wants to live his life. It’s crucial that you accept this about him. He is a workaholic for a reason. It’s an addiction. Addictions mask all kinds of emotional turmoil. Being a workaholic allows a person to NOT have to feel and deal with the emotions built up inside. It keeps him distracted. Being a workaholic means he IS NOT INTERESTED in having a deep, intimate and connected relationship with anyone except with his work. THAT”S IT! So let me ask you this…what if he was addicted to alcohol or drugs. Would you be asking this question? Because reality is…workaholics are not different than a drug addict. It’s an addiction and it’s a way to prevent intimacy with anyone…especially with themselves.
This is who he is, so you either need to accept this about him and accept that you are choosing an emotionally unavailable man or you decide to create another experience where you are able to get your needs met.
Heidi
haha! I’m glad your osteopath was able to release that “tension” around your tailbone!! haha! I have no doubt it was painful. When your tailbone gets stuck, releasing everything around it not very fun at all! Thanks for the update!!!
You are clear enough Emilie. I think in reality, you want a guy to make more effort for you. You are throwing out enough signals for the guy to make advances…and they just aren’t. Besides…I have seen, experienced and heard stories of PLENTY of men who were outright rejected by their ladies, but they didn’t give up. Their eyes were set on that woman and they just “knew” to keep chasing. I think with the kind of personality you have that is strong and confident…you need a guy who is strong enough to get past anything to get to you and win your heart. Would you not agree? A guy who “needs” all kinds of signals from you in order to feel “safe” enough to chase you….I don’t know…I’m not sure a guy like that would suit well for you. I imagine you more with a guy who sees what he wants (you) and he will do what he needs to catch your eye. He is strong enough, confident enough…and KNOWS he wants to get to know you…with nothing standing in the way…no doubt, no hesitation, no fear will stop him from wanting to know you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Heather!
WELL DONE!!! What a wonderful thing to say to him! DO NOT reach out just yet! Let him come to you. He needs to know he has that “freedom” and not feel pushed. Men respond really well when they have the “space” to be in their cave and come out when they are ready.
I’m curious…did he agree with what you said? Did he validate it at all? How was it left? Is he thinking about whether or not he wants to give it a go with you again or not? Is that what he is thinking about?
The one thing I want you to consider….he may be “afraid” of losing his independence, but it goes MUCH deeper than that. That is just the surface answer. People use excuses like that all of the time, when in reality, it’s a mask for really being afraid of intimacy…so they set up their life in a way so they don’t have to be “intimate” on the deeper levels. He is afraid of intimacy, not loosing his independence. Do you know why? What was his childhood like? Do you know much about his past relationships? Do you have a clue what would cause this fear?
Heidi
Hi Mel
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your challenges with us. It’s really tough what you are going through. There are a lot of dynamics going on here that are influencing what is happening. Let’s discuss those in more detail.
1. First and foremost, this studying is taking up all of his energy and perspective. Reality is, while he is studying, he is not going to be very emotionally available or concerned about your experiences, as he does not have the capacity to care. He is all spent up. That’s evident by having a wonderful 3 weeks with him post taking the test. So yes, patience is needed. Supporting him through this time is really important and understanding that this period of time is putting him in “survival” mode vs. “thriving” mode. You understand survival mode from when you worked at that job you didn’t like. You were snappy and sharp with your words. This is how he is most likely always feeling.
2. He doesn’t have any good role models. I have no doubt there is a part of him that doesn’t feel safe, nor trust “family” or “love.” He most likely has a very distorted version of love. This would cause him to keep a lot of walls up, blame others and have more narcissistic tendencies, as that is how he will survive. My guess is, he is quite fragile emotionally, so those walls he puts up is what is keeping him feeling like he has “control.”
This is an extremely layered dynamic.Now….bottom line is, you are seeing who he is in his worst, how he treats himself, you and others. This is important for you to know, because essentially, this is the foundation of your relationship. When things are great, they are great…but when things are tough, this is where the relationship gets fractured or holds together well. You never really know if you truly love someone until you have seen their worst and can love that as well. Can you love him, with all of his limitations and how he treats you and others? This is a question you need to really look at and feel into.
There are some things you can do to modify. First, STOP having conversations over text that deal with feelings. It is the WORST way to communicate anything of importance. Save your feelings for face to face conversations or at the very least, talking over the phone. If you cannot have these discussions in person, because you are afraid, then it’s time to face that fear. If you cannot communicate with him, then there is a more serious problem here. How do you feel about this?? Are you afraid to say how you really feel? If yes, how come?
You can also start setting some boundaries. If he were to text me something like he did about posting a picture on facebook, I would have responded with something like, “Your upset. I’m so sorry you are upset! This is not something I will discuss over text nor with this kind attitude. We can talk about this further when we are in person, as I do not fully understand how you are feeling. Will you be home later so we can figure this out?”
Part of this is teaching him your standards about how you will be talked to when he is upset and vice versa. When emotions are high, people tend to get more nasty. It’s important to help each other stay calm and not get wrapped up and defensive in the nastiness.
Thoughts?
heidi
