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Hi Sophie,
I’m really sorry to hear this. Did he talk to you at all about what he was feeling? Is he someone who shares his thoughts with you? Did you guys have deeper conversations to really get to know each other, or did you just hop into comfortable patterns? Did you still go on dates?
Of course you miss him. What is the current status of things? Are you still talking every once in awhile or has all communication stopped?
Heidi
Okay! End result, you like what you said, you feel good about what you said and you feel better. That’s what matters more than anything. Now….we wait…uuugggghhhh!!! lol. Thanks for the update!
Heidi
Hi Leah,
Welcome! I just have a few questions so we can better guide you….
How long were you guys romantically involved? What caused you to break up? I’m not clear about what you want…do you want to try to work things out with him romantically or are you okay with just going back to at least friendship?
The more details you feel comfortable offering, the better!
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful!
I am wondering why you think he is lying? Just because someone says something and does another, it does not mean they are lying. It just means they have changed their mind. So do you believe he is actually, purposefully lying to you? Or do you think he is more split…meaning a part of him really wants to build a life with you and a part of him doesn’t?? Being split like that means that one part is in control at any given time…so one side of him absolutely loves you and wants to build a life with you, but then the moment of facing his fear happens and the other part, who is terrified, ends up taking over and sabotaging everything. It sounds like this might be more true vs. him literally lying. Do you see the difference?
I would also like to invite you to take a look at something and consider something. There are some of your own wounds playing a role in how you are feeling. Here is an example, “it feels as though he is very sure that things will always go his way and at the end I will compromise while he does nothing. Agreeing to move in and forgetting about the decision we made makes me feel like what I want or need will always be secondary, it seems unfair.” This type of statement is very childlike thinking. Children believe that things need to be fair. Children have a viewpoint that someone gets something while the other person doesn’t….it’s more black and white thinking how you are explaining this. The way you say it, it sounds like there is a part of you that is trying to be the parent (that he never had) that holds him accountable for how he behaves. You don’t feel respected, right? You feel like he is always getting his way with you, yes? You feel like you are the one compromising and letting him have his way, yes? These are YOUR issues…not his. Who taught you to be this way? Who else in your life has make you feel like this??
Reality is, you are choosing a guy who doesn’t communicate how he feels, therefore you have to put in a TON of work to see what’s going on for him. Maybe there is a part of you that feels that with the amount of work you put into trying to make the relationship work, especially after 7 years, you are being let down in a huge way because you really aren’t reaping the rewards for all the work you put into trying to help him open up. After all of these years and all the effort you put into trying to get to know what is happening for him, you have nothing to show for it and not sure there ever will be. Does this resonate for you at all?
Here is the reality. You BOTH still need a lot of help. There is a feeling in your messages that makes me think that resentment is starting to build in your heart. If that’s true, IT”S TOXIC!!! You have to deal with your own heart FIRST and how YOU are being triggered before trying to figure out what to do about this relationship. He is triggering you all over the place. You are making this “engagement” and this apartment more important than him and your relationship. You are so focused on those things happening and “winning” and not playing “secondary” that you are losing site that CONNECTION is more important than being right and holding him accountable to his word and promises.
So why not just let go of the apartment for now? It’s causing so many problems for you guys. Take that out of the equation. Sell it or rent it out to someone and focus on getting to the bottom of what is happening for BOTH of you on deeper levels. Neither of you wants to lose each other….so fight for the relationship and get rid of anything that causes stress and pressure. Take those things away, agree to really work deeper on some core issues and take the next steps when you are BOTH ready. You may find out that maybe whatever his limitations are and whatever fears he has, it’s not a journey you want to take with him anymore. He may discover that he doesn’t really want to face his fears, even if it means losing you. Either way, you guys still have some things to figure out before taking the next steps that you aren’t ready for. You are losing respect for him and getting resentful and he is running…those are NO CONDITIONS to get engaged under, just because that’s what you guys said you were going to do. That is a formula for disaster and getting engaged won’t fix any of that….those very same problems will show over and over again.
Maybe consider finding a different therapist as well. You guys need more help than once a month. You need more frequent accountability. As great as that person is, what they can offer you guys just isn’t enough right now. You guys are not heading down a good path at the moment and you need frequent help to get back on track. Maybe look for a Gottman trained therapist?? http://www.gottman.com
Maybe consider going away for a weekend on a couples retreat that is focused on building, healing etc.?? Maybe start going through a book together? https://www.gottman.com/couples/private-couples-retreats/If you feel that your relationship is more important than anything…if you feel that you want a love that is expansive, passionate, caring and respectful….if you want a husband that FREELY offers all of his heart to you….then make decisions that support that and don’t let anything, like an apartment, get in the way!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
I actually didn’t answer how to stop attracting unavailable men….
Basically, it’s healing your low self esteem. Imagine we are all like swiss cheese. We have solid parts and then holes. The difference between you and me and the next person, is how many holes we have and how big they are.
The idea is to be as solid as possible. We will never bee 100% solid just because we are human, but we can sure get close! Healing the wounds, the low self esteem, the past hurts will slowly start to shrink those holes….when you are much more solid inside of yourself, when you are more connected to the value and beauty that you are….emotionally unavailable men will not be attractive to you any longer. You will smell them out in a hot second actually.
Heidi
Okay….so about choosing emotionally unavailable men….yes…you are right…it’s common! Myself included when I was younger.
Here are the very basics: It can be 1 of 2 things typically. If you imagine that every single person you meet is a reflection of what is inside of you….it tells you a lot!
Here is the first way to look at it:
1. You attract people who show you what you are like as well. So if you keep attracting unavailable men, then ask the question….am I unavailable at all? Have I treated people this way before? For me, the answer was yes, so I was attracting experiences that were teaching me about who I was as well. If the answer is no, then look at number 2.2. You carry the energy inside of you. Meaning…if you had a father or mother who were unavailable, as a child, you absorb that energy within you and it becomes part of your low self esteem. Then when you go out into the world….that energy is projected out and will attract people that show you “hey….you don’t believe you deserve attention, love and to be cared about – so let me help you out and be a reflection to show you what you carry within you.” This was also true for me when I was attracting unavailable men.
It’s been fascinating how, over the years, the kinds guys and gals and clients that end up finding me, truly reflected for me, who I was. Today….I am starting to attract a whole new level of friends that are VERY spiritual, aware, connective and as messy as we all are, they have skills and accountability to take care of themselves and not rely on me to do it for them. I’m reaching a new level now and although I can feel that inside of myself….I always look for it to manifest in my outside world to confirm it.
You need some deeper healing Dana. I know Helio didn’t present as being unavailable, but that’s why it takes some time to get to know him and see him as well as developing certain skills to be able to see behind the presentation and what is going on at a deeper level. I guarantee there were signs all over the place that he was unavailable, you just didn’t know the language. You got really wrapped up into being treated so well, especially after your last relationship, that you probably missed some things…which is normal of course. I remember in my mid 20’s, I came across a guy who was the very first guy who had opened my heart and body sexually. He was amazing, gentle and caring in a way that I had never experienced before. Because of that….I ended up eventually getting engaged, because he was giving me something that I was starving for (we broke up when I really faced that truth). Truth is though…because I wasn’t giving it to myself, he ended up giving it to me and filling a hole….whenever someone else fills a hole inside of you, WATCH OUT!!!! They are “completing” you and that is a formula for disaster. You need to “complete” yourself first and then anyone who comes along….they ADD to you and support you, not complete you.
Imagine this….what if your entire life, you were treated like gold. Every guy you came across treated you like the most valuable person. They were always aware of you, they listened to you and wanted to know you….they cared about you. Would Helio have as much power as he did with you? My guess is no….he had as much influence as he did with you, because your soul was starving. If your soul wasn’t starving, it would have taken WAAAAAAY more than him treating you well to capture your attention and your heart.
Does this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Get your reading glasses ready…this is gonna be a loooong one! lol. You ask some really really wonderful questions.
First….this one hurts extra because he got to places in your heart that I think have been untouched. He opened you up in a special way and made you feel things. Your mind will automatically think and start to believe and hope that he is “the one.” Then you start to secretly plan your life with him in your mind and heart and slowly start to open to him in brand new ways. You connected with him deeper than anyone else before, right? He felt special and different. So….breaking up will also feel different. There is more repair to do for your heart. There is more care that is needed and more time that is required for healing. The deeper you connect, the painful it is to release and also the deeper you feel the hurt.
Try this in the video…you are going to repeat what this guy is saying. Do it over and over and over again. It will help you start to shift your energy!
Hi Emilie!
Yay! You are finding your center again! You are staying connected to your SELF and really allowing the space to feel into this first before doing anything. YOU GOT IT!!! This is the secret to really staying connected to yourself while dating!
You rock!!!
Heidi
Hi Disha,
It does sound like he still has interest in getting to know you and connecting with you. Has he talked about getting together at some point soon? If he hasn’t, you can always drop a subtle hint by saying something like, “I miss seeing your smile” or “I’d love to help you de-stress a bit. I’m pretty famous for my foot rubs.”
It is still soooooo new that it’s hard to know what kind of pattern you guys will fall into. He has so much on his plate, so being patient is going to be crucial if you continue with this guy…which it sounds like you have a grasp on that now.
How are you feeling about all of it?
Heidi
Hi Cherise,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges. How long have you guys been together? How did you meet? Have you guys always lived that far apart? How often do you see each other? How old you guys?
How do you know he is talking to other women?
Here is the reality Cherise….long distance relationships are very challenging. If he is already talking to other women, isn’t very available for you, always has a low battery when he talks to you….he is not that invested in you. If he were really invested, he would make sure to talk with you when he has a full battery, he wouldn’t hang up every time his “mother” or “father” calls, wouldn’t just talk about you moving there to be with him, he would help make that happen.
So I’m curious…how come you are wanting to invest in this guy if he is behaving this way? He doesn’t make you feel like you are important to him and that he is madly in love with you….what makes you want to make it work with a guy who most likely is cheating on you, but at the very least needs attention from other ladies? It doesn’t sound like he is the type to really commit in a relationship.
Heidi
Hi Avis,
My heart goes out to you. This is really tough. Your biggest challenge here is that he is not willing to take responsibility for anything and he has become verbally abusive. This combination makes it very unhealthy for you.
Is there anything that happened a few years ago that you can thing of that would trigger this kind of change in him? A parent died, he lost his job? He got sick? Anything?
So help me get more clear about what it is that you want. Do you want your marriage back to the way it used to be before the affair? How long has the affair been going on for?
What are his plans….to stay living with you while still seeing the other woman? Is he mentioning divorce at all? Is he staying in a separate bedroom or still in the same room as you?
What kinds of boundaries have you set up for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Avis,
Thank you for joining us here and sharing your challenges….Ouch! This must hurt so deeply. I just have a few questions….
1. Has he always been hurtful with words, even before he had an affair?
2. Was this his first affair that you are aware of?
3. Has he always blamed you for how things were?
4. What exactly is he blaming you for?I am wondering what your marriage was like BEFORE the affair or before he claimed he wasn’t “in love” with you anymore. Can you tell me more about that?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
My heart goes out to you. I wish there were a simple, easy trick to use in order to help someone deal with the loss and heartache.
I want to explain something to you and hopefully it can bring SOME type of understanding about people in general. It’s called “the upper limit.”
Basically, it’s a limit of how happy they will allow themselves to be. This “limit” is completely subconscious and most people have no clue about this. It’s really great to discover this, as then you can watch for the signs and symptoms of your own upper limit
I will try and make this really simple. Imagine there is a scale of 0-10. Let’s say that your upper limit – how happy you will allow yourself to be – is at a 3. When you start to reach a 3, maybe in relationship, or a job, or financially – your emotional system (subconsciously) will start to do things to sabotage, to make sure you never pass 3. The upper limit number is DIRECTLY linked to how much low self esteem a person has. We all have low self esteem in areas of our lives, so maybe someone’s upper limit is 7 in the area of finances, but maybe it’s a 2 in relationship and love. It’s different for everyone. The way that you know someone is reaching their upper limit is by paying attention to how they sabotage. Some people disappear, some people’s romantic feelings start to go away, some people will start to argue more, some people may make a HUGE decision without consulting their partner….there are a million ways to ruin connection. Either way…it keeps the upper limit where that person believes they deserve it. But again, remember that no one is aware of this consciously. They just know that they feel something and give it authority without questioning what the REAL TRUTH is behind what they are feeling.
I will tell you this….surpassing your upper limit is VERY DIFFICULT! It’s crazy uncomfortable because the only way to increase your ability to be happy is to face the low self esteem….and that takes you to places in your psyche that you have buried for a reason. It’s a lot of work and it’s scary…at least at first it is.So….I know this sounds completely backwards and doesn’t make much sense, but my guess is, he is unconsciously choosing to disconnect because he doesn’t trust how happy he feels. Feeling as happy as he was feeling may have been the trigger for him to run in the opposite direction. He may not trust feeling happy, feel safe being happy and even like feeling happy (subconsciously). The reasons don’t matter…what matters is that you see this pattern and there is a reason for this pattern. And whatever the reasons are…they are scary and painful for him and most likely VERY BURIED deep inside. Hence….why he will always sabotage until he faces whatever is going for him.
I understand you are angry. Anger is a secondary emotion….meaning there is another emotion under it, that sources the anger….which is hurt. Your heart is broken and you need to work on healing.
The first way to start healing is to stop blaming him and “men.” Remember that you are the common denominator between all the guys you have chosen to connect with. There is a lot for you to learn here about yourself and many gifts that can come out of your pain if you choose to look at this way. It doesn’t mean that the anger and the hurt will go away….it’s more about staying connected to the truth of a situation vs. getting caught up in the trauma drama of it all. When you work with the truth about a situation, then you can heal. The truth here is…he is wounded and terrified and is sabotaging connection. You have attracted another emotionally unavailable man into your life. You both are doing the best that you know how with the skills and knowledge that you have at the moment. You BOTH are triggered. He is having a response to something (which he most likely doesn’t understand) and you are having a response to him.
You will make it through this Dana. You CAN heal, but making a conscious choice, every single second of every single day to forgive and let go and ask to see the truth about this situation will take you a loooong ways and through a much faster process.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Samantha,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges! Let’s see if we can get to the bottom of this…
I just have a few questions first:
1. How long did you date previously? What was the reason for the breakup? And then how long were you apart before you got back together again?
2. When you were together before, was he still in process of trying to build his business?I do know how much time and energy something like that takes. I am wondering if he is just focused on that aspect and that is why he is not opening up for you in the way you are wanting. Many men can be very 1 dimensional. If 1 thing needs all their attention, many other areas of their life can get put aside. Do you notice this at all?
Heidi
