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Hi Agnes,
I’m glad to hear that you are getting some help now and that you are very determined to live your life differently. That’s wonderful! It sounds like he is someone that inspires you to want to be better!
Does he know you are going to counseling?
Maybe in a week you can say something like, “Hey…I was just thinking about you. I had a good therapy session the other day. I just am finding more and more how grateful I am for you being in my life. I know I am / was a lot to handle….so thank you for all you did. Hopefully this last week treated you really well!”
How does saying something like that feel for you? I’m not sure how you guys talk to each other, but I think one of the ways of building up trust and especially emotional safety for him, is to share what you are learning, complimenting him, letting him know the realizations you are having. You are taking ACTION to change your anger…not just talking about it…he needs to know that.
Heidi
OH! And I DO recommend to just go watch a few youtube videos. He may ask what you watched and what articles you read. It would just be a good idea to go into the conversation with some SPECIFIC questions, so he knows you actually DID make some effort to learn things and you aren’t just trying to get him to talk to you again. Guys can smell out stuff like that in an instant. So go educate yourself a bit and come up with some specific questions you want to ask.
FYI…I am also a Personal Trainer, so I can help you with some questions if you aren’t sure. I’d like you to go do some research on your own first…that way it will be authentic when you connect with him.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
How do you feel about waiting another 4 or 5 days?
When he replies asking you what you need help with, you can say something like, “I had a conversation about a month ago with a friend about working out. I think I am finally ready to start to take care of my body better. I’d like to get stronger, but I’m also afraid of hurting myself. I’ve read a few things and watched videos, but I’m just not sure where to start. Being that you are very knowledgeable on this topic, I thought maybe you would have some guidance and suggestions for me that could help get me started. Your help would be amazing!”
Heidi
Hi Sylvia!
Welcome! We are so glad you are hearing sharing your challenges with us! This is quite the rollercoaster ride you are on. He sounds very confused and split. I have no doubt he loves you, but it sounds like there is something getting in the way for him. Many times, once the wedding starts to come into the picture, it’s not unusual for someone to start to panic, for one reason or another.
I’m going to hit you with a real harsh reality. He COULD do this again. YOU could do this to him. There are no guarantees in relationship. I have seen couples that have been married for decades and one day, one person decides they don’t want to be married anymore. Of course it’s not a split second decision, but reality is….life and people are ALWAYS changing! You CAN handle it again if this he does this again. Whether it’s him or another guy, love is a risk. Wouldn’t you rather risk with him? The next guy cannot offer you anymore guarantee than your current guy. Vows in marriage saying “til death do us part” are a bunch of empty promises. No one can promise something like that, not even you.
I think your guy has a WONDERFUL suggestion to start going to therapy. Obviously he has some things he needs to work through and there is not better place to do it than with a 3rd party who can offer objectivity and help you through things as well. You may have thought everything was okay, but he is having a different experience. Maybe he did cheat with that girl from work. Maybe he really struggled with some things while you were dealing with depression. How does he know you won’t go through that again??? Many times, the partner feels abandoned when their person gets depressed and it’s really hard. It’s hard on everyone. Either way…his willingness to work through things, his willingness to get some help and have a professional opinion about areas he does not understand….is wonderful!!!
Are you willing to let go of all the questions for now?? Can you just agree to go to counseling and trust that you will get all of your questions answered in that environment??
Heidi
Interesting….what did he mean when he said “Something happened in the relationship and that you changed?” Did you get any more information about that?
How do you feel about everything….I’m not really sure you WANT to be with him. It sounds like a part of you might really be okay being just friends. Is that true? Help me understand what you REALLY want….I’m sure if I am confused from what you are presenting, he may be confused as well…not sure….thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maryam!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
How often are you guys talking? What are your conversations like? Why do you think he is feeling rejected? Has he changed since he said “I love you?” Canceling because he had to go home makes sense to me. So I’m wondering why you feel like there is more distance happening. Would you mind sharing some examples??
Heidi
Hi Jeannie!
We are so glad this information is helping you realize how you can better support your partner and men in general. There is so much to learn isn’t there???
The first thing I want to mention is that this aspect is just ONE aspect of many dynamics in a relationship. You are ending up with “jackwagons” for many more reasons than the challenges you mentioned above. BUT…these concepts mentioned here are crucial to understand. Women do love to nurture and men love to be the hero. Honoring both is important! Nurturing is more like when someone NEEDS help…when they are sick, when they are feeling low….nurture is about “comfort” whereas the hero thing is about “rescuing.” 2 totally different energies! Do you see the difference? Men need to rescue, so women need to give them the opportunity to rescue…whether it’s helping solve a problem, offering advice that helps their woman feel better, moving furniture….whatever they can do to put a smile on their woman’s face!!! Even if you don’t need help, it’s good to still ask and then you play it up with gratitude when they are done.
As far as keeping it cool right now, let’s look at the part of you that is getting very attached very quickly. Your brain is creating a fantasy about this person. Your brain is getting attached to the chemical rush you are getting when connecting with him. It’s important that you bring up the other part of you that says, “He may be great and wonderful and all of this may feel incredible AND it is going to take time and patience to see if he is really worth anything. He needs to earn the right to experience my heart.” So as you find yourself staring at your phone, tell yourself NO! I am not waiting around for a man…I am going to go live my life! And then go DO something and take control. Go exercise, go cook an amazing meal, go on a walk AND LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME! Force yourself to disconnect! You are already giving him soooo much power of your attention and losing precious time in your day staring at your phone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
Having a miscarriage is a very intense experience. Have you considered getting professional help to guide you through the process of healing?
I would not recommend reaching out to him for help with something like that. You don’t have that kind of relationship. It is a VERY vulnerable experience and you need emotional safety…he is NOT the person to look to for that.
The kinds of things you can ask for help with are things like advice about something. What kinds of things does he have expertise in? What does he know a lot about that you don’t? Some people have asked for restaurant recommendations, theatre shows, help with computer problems etc. Is there anything he could help you fix or move? Is he a handyman type at all?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
it is a huge step forward, but at this point, they are just words with no action. Wait a week and then ask him for help with something. DO NOT check in a see how he is doing. You need to activate his “hero instinct.” Let’s plan what you can ask. What can you ask him for help with?? Share a couple of options and let’s see if we can find something that will hook him the best!
Heidi
Hi Sunny!
First of all, trust yourself. If there is a mental barrier, it doesn’t matter what that is…it’s a barrier and there is a reason for that.
Poor guy….not having very good mojo is a VERY difficult problem to deal with. He doesn’t have issues with libido…he has equipment issues, which is a very different thing….many times something like that is wrapped up with a lot of deeper psychological stuff….or it can be as simple is declining testosterone. He needs to see a doctor.
Okay…so onto the next guy.
Here is an exercise for you. Make a list of qualities you CANNOT live without in a relationship. I call this the non-negotiable list. These are qualities, that if they do not exist in the relationship, it will never last. This is so important to get clear about, because it helps you set some standards about the kind of guy you want in your life. So many people end up settling, because they are going off of how they “feel” and the chemistry and the desire for connection and that ends up overriding how the relationship will function….that’s where “love is blind” comes from…lol
Here are just a few examples on my list:
1. romantic
2. high emotional intelligence
3. physically active
4. spiritual – has a belief and practice that compliments my own beliefs and practices
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leah!
Wow….so you guys re-connected! That is wonderful! a PG-13 conversation is better than no conversation…that a start….but obviously it went beyond that.
So what happened? You stayed with him last night…how was it? Did you guys have deeper, more connective conversations? Are you able to get back onto the same page again?
Heidi
Hi Ashlee,
It is about having faith. Anything is possible. In the meantime, until that special guy comes along, your job is to get as emotionally healthy as you possibly can. The more healthy you are, you will attract a man who will treat you better. That is our job when we are in a “single” phase. Whomever you attract into your life, is a mirror showing you who YOU are and what you have inside of you. So you attracted this last guy that didn’t have much respect for you. That just shows you that you are carrying that energy inside of your spirit of a lack of respect. So while you are single, really look into that. Where did you absorb that energy from? Did your parents not respect you very well? Is this a pattern that shows up in your life in different areas, from friends, to work or even strangers while you are out and about? Do you find you easily trust people or is that difficult for you?
Heidi
Hi Nena,
I am so glad you re-connected back to yourself again! It’s so important to know your value and stay connected to that. It’s funny how the tables can turn so quickly, once you focus on yourself!
I do still want to encourage you to have caution. Just because he is chasing you, I still would recommend to stay away from ANY guy who doesn’t respect, value and appreciate women deep down. He is going to be a handful and not in a good way. He will NOT be a good role model for your children.
I understand you are afraid of being alone. A lot of people are. Do you know why?? Here is where I start with people who have that fear. How do you feel about having a chaotic, dramatic relationship? How do you feel about being with a guy who doesn’t communicate very well with you? How do you feel about being with a guy who slowly wears away at your self esteem and causes many, many tears??
Here’s the thing…when there is a BIG fear (like being alone) that drives you to find someone, you will not have clear eyes or a clear heart to pick a guy that is healthy for you and your children, because you are not picking a guy from a healthy mindset. You are picking a guy out of fear. So you have 2 choices….face your fear about being alone, or be in a chaotic relationship that takes a TON of work where your needs don’t get met. To me, that kind of being alone, is way worse and very damaging!
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Nena,
This makes sense. First of all, it’s not YOUR job to help him trust women. That is HIS job! If he doesn’t respect women, if he hates women…I want to tell you to run the other direction. You will spend countless days and years of your life trying to get him to “trust” women and he still won’t. Whatever the reasons are for him “hating” women, he needs to face them and deal with them on his own. If that is how he feels, then yes…I’m sure he is setting up the situation for you to be chasing him so he can feel like he has power OVER you. Stop chasing him. He needs to either face his fears and feelings with women or take a hike. He needs to earn the right to be in your life and respond to you in a way that is connective. Is that not what you want with a guy? Relationships are hard enough as it is…and you want to try and help change his mind about women on top of that??? That’s like trying to climb Mount Everest! He has some emotional issues that are NOT your job to take care of.
Heidi
