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Hi Sophie,
Wow….you came to that realization pretty quickly…lol. Well done! We are so glad you came here and if there is anything else we can help you with, let us know! Even if you need to come here and vent, we got your back!!!
Heidi
Hi Leah,
Yikes! That’s a bummer that he wasn’t able to set boundaries with his ex. He wasn’t protecting his relationship with you very well. Was he afraid of her for some reason? Do you know why he wasn’t setting boundaries? I’m curious about your jealousy…what were you jealous about?
Maybe send him a text saying, “I’m still here in town. I miss you so much and it makes me sad that things have ended the way they have. Would you be willing to have coffee with me? I have realized some things about myself and how I have behaved. I would like to at least share it with you and apologize. We have been in each other’s lives for years. I want you in my life for many more years…can we just talk?”
How does saying something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
What message did you send him that got him to respond?
It seems like he has some type of connection with you. However, whatever he is scared of may be much bigger and take over and cause him to pull back. Being a cop is sooooooo tough! I have come across a few cop wives over the years and each of them confirmed the difficulty in their marriages being that their guy shuts down emotionally. It’s so difficult on the streets, that they came home and didn’t want to talk very much and were not the most emotionally connective guys. I”m not saying your guy is that, but I am saying that he has an unusually difficult job. He sees the worst of humanity every single day and deals with people who are rarely happy to see him. The way to survive that is to have emotional walls up to protect yourself….it’s impossible to come home and take those walls down. Those walls get carried around the heart wherever they go…and they typically get thicker and thicker as they get older. Do you feel that his job may be influencing how he is behaving with you?
Heidi
Hi Sophie!
I am so sorry! It is so hard to lose your best friend!
Communication is actually one of the very top reasons why couples don’t last. I am so sorry to say this, but the way he communicates only guarantees an ending. There is no possible way to have a healthy, sustainable, deep relationship with someone who doesn’t share their feelings. He may have told you everything else, but you had no clue what was REALLY happening in his mind and heart…which means you don’t really know the REAL him….he won’t show you.
As long as he stays that way, he will never have a relationship that is healthy and open, deep and authentic.Are you sure you really want to try and work things out with a guy who doesn’t tell you how he really feels? He leaves you in the dark about everything that is important for him….and then he breaks up and you have no clue what is going on….even if you do get back together, this will happen again and again and again. Is this what you are willing to fight for?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I get it. It’s really hard to let go of someone and to really let go of the hurt. Every person has walls because we have all been hurt. Walls keep us safe right? You are bumping into his walls because someone hurt him as well.
Be kind to yourself. Hating how you feel just intensifies everything. If you show yourself compassion, kindness and allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to feel, it will move much faster. If you keep resisting it and fighting against it and hating it…it will make everything worse. It’s NOT stupid to care about someone. It’s NOT silly to be upset over a guy who you cared about and has hurt you. It’s normal and it’s human. Have patience! Know that you having hurt feelings honors that you felt something really special and beautiful in the first place. If you didn’t hurt, then you didn’t really care in the first place.
Your emotions are valuable and need to be listened to and honored. That’s how you start the healing process.
Keep checking in!!!
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
Wow….you guys have been through quite a bit. It sounds like there is quite a rocky beginning. Only after a month, you guys were off and on and you were asking the direction of the relationship. Is that accurate or is that a typo that it was 2018?
If only after a month, you are having that type of conversation, my guess is, it might have gotten scary for him, as it would most guys.
Either way….you were really nice about everything and apologizing. He doesn’t seem to handle communication very well though. Are you sure you want to connect to a guy that is not a very communicator and ignores you a lot???
what other details can you share? It sounds like you guys are still talking to each other….where does it stand as of now? Is he initiating contact? How often are you guys talking?
Heidi
Hi Sunny,
Welcome! We are so glad you are here and learning a lot! This is great! There is a lot to learn isn’t there?
In regards to Stephen, I am wondering if he has some type of sexual problem. How old is he? It’s not the first time this has happened to him and my guess is, he may have gotten embarrassed or something…I don’t know. I don’t think it’s anything you did, since he shifted right after that moment.
He most likely is just going to stay hiding and using every excuse to keep you at a distance. I understand you had a wonderful connection and how good it felt. You also found out a limitation he has….he may not be able to have sex. That is a BIG DEAL! If his “mojo” is the issue, then there really is nothing you can do about that, as it is HIS problem and something he needs to deal with on his own….it has nothing to do with you. Are you willing to let this go and decide to move your attention elsewhere?
Heidi
Hi Nena,
Welcome!!!
Have you asked him about it? I am wondering if here was just so must trust broken that he is being more cautious. How do you know you changed your ways? What exactly have you done to work on that pattern for yourself?
How long have you been talking with him again? It might take a lot of time to build trust again. He should be cautious. He needs to actually see that you are different before handing over his heart again.
Heidi
Hi Sophie,
I’m really sorry to hear this. Did he talk to you at all about what he was feeling? Is he someone who shares his thoughts with you? Did you guys have deeper conversations to really get to know each other, or did you just hop into comfortable patterns? Did you still go on dates?
Of course you miss him. What is the current status of things? Are you still talking every once in awhile or has all communication stopped?
Heidi
Okay! End result, you like what you said, you feel good about what you said and you feel better. That’s what matters more than anything. Now….we wait…uuugggghhhh!!! lol. Thanks for the update!
Heidi
Hi Leah,
Welcome! I just have a few questions so we can better guide you….
How long were you guys romantically involved? What caused you to break up? I’m not clear about what you want…do you want to try to work things out with him romantically or are you okay with just going back to at least friendship?
The more details you feel comfortable offering, the better!
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Thank you for sharing more details! It’s helpful!
I am wondering why you think he is lying? Just because someone says something and does another, it does not mean they are lying. It just means they have changed their mind. So do you believe he is actually, purposefully lying to you? Or do you think he is more split…meaning a part of him really wants to build a life with you and a part of him doesn’t?? Being split like that means that one part is in control at any given time…so one side of him absolutely loves you and wants to build a life with you, but then the moment of facing his fear happens and the other part, who is terrified, ends up taking over and sabotaging everything. It sounds like this might be more true vs. him literally lying. Do you see the difference?
I would also like to invite you to take a look at something and consider something. There are some of your own wounds playing a role in how you are feeling. Here is an example, “it feels as though he is very sure that things will always go his way and at the end I will compromise while he does nothing. Agreeing to move in and forgetting about the decision we made makes me feel like what I want or need will always be secondary, it seems unfair.” This type of statement is very childlike thinking. Children believe that things need to be fair. Children have a viewpoint that someone gets something while the other person doesn’t….it’s more black and white thinking how you are explaining this. The way you say it, it sounds like there is a part of you that is trying to be the parent (that he never had) that holds him accountable for how he behaves. You don’t feel respected, right? You feel like he is always getting his way with you, yes? You feel like you are the one compromising and letting him have his way, yes? These are YOUR issues…not his. Who taught you to be this way? Who else in your life has make you feel like this??
Reality is, you are choosing a guy who doesn’t communicate how he feels, therefore you have to put in a TON of work to see what’s going on for him. Maybe there is a part of you that feels that with the amount of work you put into trying to make the relationship work, especially after 7 years, you are being let down in a huge way because you really aren’t reaping the rewards for all the work you put into trying to help him open up. After all of these years and all the effort you put into trying to get to know what is happening for him, you have nothing to show for it and not sure there ever will be. Does this resonate for you at all?
Here is the reality. You BOTH still need a lot of help. There is a feeling in your messages that makes me think that resentment is starting to build in your heart. If that’s true, IT”S TOXIC!!! You have to deal with your own heart FIRST and how YOU are being triggered before trying to figure out what to do about this relationship. He is triggering you all over the place. You are making this “engagement” and this apartment more important than him and your relationship. You are so focused on those things happening and “winning” and not playing “secondary” that you are losing site that CONNECTION is more important than being right and holding him accountable to his word and promises.
So why not just let go of the apartment for now? It’s causing so many problems for you guys. Take that out of the equation. Sell it or rent it out to someone and focus on getting to the bottom of what is happening for BOTH of you on deeper levels. Neither of you wants to lose each other….so fight for the relationship and get rid of anything that causes stress and pressure. Take those things away, agree to really work deeper on some core issues and take the next steps when you are BOTH ready. You may find out that maybe whatever his limitations are and whatever fears he has, it’s not a journey you want to take with him anymore. He may discover that he doesn’t really want to face his fears, even if it means losing you. Either way, you guys still have some things to figure out before taking the next steps that you aren’t ready for. You are losing respect for him and getting resentful and he is running…those are NO CONDITIONS to get engaged under, just because that’s what you guys said you were going to do. That is a formula for disaster and getting engaged won’t fix any of that….those very same problems will show over and over again.
Maybe consider finding a different therapist as well. You guys need more help than once a month. You need more frequent accountability. As great as that person is, what they can offer you guys just isn’t enough right now. You guys are not heading down a good path at the moment and you need frequent help to get back on track. Maybe look for a Gottman trained therapist?? http://www.gottman.com
Maybe consider going away for a weekend on a couples retreat that is focused on building, healing etc.?? Maybe start going through a book together? https://www.gottman.com/couples/private-couples-retreats/If you feel that your relationship is more important than anything…if you feel that you want a love that is expansive, passionate, caring and respectful….if you want a husband that FREELY offers all of his heart to you….then make decisions that support that and don’t let anything, like an apartment, get in the way!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
I actually didn’t answer how to stop attracting unavailable men….
Basically, it’s healing your low self esteem. Imagine we are all like swiss cheese. We have solid parts and then holes. The difference between you and me and the next person, is how many holes we have and how big they are.
The idea is to be as solid as possible. We will never bee 100% solid just because we are human, but we can sure get close! Healing the wounds, the low self esteem, the past hurts will slowly start to shrink those holes….when you are much more solid inside of yourself, when you are more connected to the value and beauty that you are….emotionally unavailable men will not be attractive to you any longer. You will smell them out in a hot second actually.
Heidi
Okay….so about choosing emotionally unavailable men….yes…you are right…it’s common! Myself included when I was younger.
Here are the very basics: It can be 1 of 2 things typically. If you imagine that every single person you meet is a reflection of what is inside of you….it tells you a lot!
Here is the first way to look at it:
1. You attract people who show you what you are like as well. So if you keep attracting unavailable men, then ask the question….am I unavailable at all? Have I treated people this way before? For me, the answer was yes, so I was attracting experiences that were teaching me about who I was as well. If the answer is no, then look at number 2.2. You carry the energy inside of you. Meaning…if you had a father or mother who were unavailable, as a child, you absorb that energy within you and it becomes part of your low self esteem. Then when you go out into the world….that energy is projected out and will attract people that show you “hey….you don’t believe you deserve attention, love and to be cared about – so let me help you out and be a reflection to show you what you carry within you.” This was also true for me when I was attracting unavailable men.
It’s been fascinating how, over the years, the kinds guys and gals and clients that end up finding me, truly reflected for me, who I was. Today….I am starting to attract a whole new level of friends that are VERY spiritual, aware, connective and as messy as we all are, they have skills and accountability to take care of themselves and not rely on me to do it for them. I’m reaching a new level now and although I can feel that inside of myself….I always look for it to manifest in my outside world to confirm it.
You need some deeper healing Dana. I know Helio didn’t present as being unavailable, but that’s why it takes some time to get to know him and see him as well as developing certain skills to be able to see behind the presentation and what is going on at a deeper level. I guarantee there were signs all over the place that he was unavailable, you just didn’t know the language. You got really wrapped up into being treated so well, especially after your last relationship, that you probably missed some things…which is normal of course. I remember in my mid 20’s, I came across a guy who was the very first guy who had opened my heart and body sexually. He was amazing, gentle and caring in a way that I had never experienced before. Because of that….I ended up eventually getting engaged, because he was giving me something that I was starving for (we broke up when I really faced that truth). Truth is though…because I wasn’t giving it to myself, he ended up giving it to me and filling a hole….whenever someone else fills a hole inside of you, WATCH OUT!!!! They are “completing” you and that is a formula for disaster. You need to “complete” yourself first and then anyone who comes along….they ADD to you and support you, not complete you.
Imagine this….what if your entire life, you were treated like gold. Every guy you came across treated you like the most valuable person. They were always aware of you, they listened to you and wanted to know you….they cared about you. Would Helio have as much power as he did with you? My guess is no….he had as much influence as he did with you, because your soul was starving. If your soul wasn’t starving, it would have taken WAAAAAAY more than him treating you well to capture your attention and your heart.
Does this make sense???
Heidi
