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Hi Leyla,
Having a miscarriage is a very intense experience. Have you considered getting professional help to guide you through the process of healing?
I would not recommend reaching out to him for help with something like that. You don’t have that kind of relationship. It is a VERY vulnerable experience and you need emotional safety…he is NOT the person to look to for that.
The kinds of things you can ask for help with are things like advice about something. What kinds of things does he have expertise in? What does he know a lot about that you don’t? Some people have asked for restaurant recommendations, theatre shows, help with computer problems etc. Is there anything he could help you fix or move? Is he a handyman type at all?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
it is a huge step forward, but at this point, they are just words with no action. Wait a week and then ask him for help with something. DO NOT check in a see how he is doing. You need to activate his “hero instinct.” Let’s plan what you can ask. What can you ask him for help with?? Share a couple of options and let’s see if we can find something that will hook him the best!
Heidi
Hi Sunny!
First of all, trust yourself. If there is a mental barrier, it doesn’t matter what that is…it’s a barrier and there is a reason for that.
Poor guy….not having very good mojo is a VERY difficult problem to deal with. He doesn’t have issues with libido…he has equipment issues, which is a very different thing….many times something like that is wrapped up with a lot of deeper psychological stuff….or it can be as simple is declining testosterone. He needs to see a doctor.
Okay…so onto the next guy.
Here is an exercise for you. Make a list of qualities you CANNOT live without in a relationship. I call this the non-negotiable list. These are qualities, that if they do not exist in the relationship, it will never last. This is so important to get clear about, because it helps you set some standards about the kind of guy you want in your life. So many people end up settling, because they are going off of how they “feel” and the chemistry and the desire for connection and that ends up overriding how the relationship will function….that’s where “love is blind” comes from…lol
Here are just a few examples on my list:
1. romantic
2. high emotional intelligence
3. physically active
4. spiritual – has a belief and practice that compliments my own beliefs and practices
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leah!
Wow….so you guys re-connected! That is wonderful! a PG-13 conversation is better than no conversation…that a start….but obviously it went beyond that.
So what happened? You stayed with him last night…how was it? Did you guys have deeper, more connective conversations? Are you able to get back onto the same page again?
Heidi
Hi Ashlee,
It is about having faith. Anything is possible. In the meantime, until that special guy comes along, your job is to get as emotionally healthy as you possibly can. The more healthy you are, you will attract a man who will treat you better. That is our job when we are in a “single” phase. Whomever you attract into your life, is a mirror showing you who YOU are and what you have inside of you. So you attracted this last guy that didn’t have much respect for you. That just shows you that you are carrying that energy inside of your spirit of a lack of respect. So while you are single, really look into that. Where did you absorb that energy from? Did your parents not respect you very well? Is this a pattern that shows up in your life in different areas, from friends, to work or even strangers while you are out and about? Do you find you easily trust people or is that difficult for you?
Heidi
Hi Nena,
I am so glad you re-connected back to yourself again! It’s so important to know your value and stay connected to that. It’s funny how the tables can turn so quickly, once you focus on yourself!
I do still want to encourage you to have caution. Just because he is chasing you, I still would recommend to stay away from ANY guy who doesn’t respect, value and appreciate women deep down. He is going to be a handful and not in a good way. He will NOT be a good role model for your children.
I understand you are afraid of being alone. A lot of people are. Do you know why?? Here is where I start with people who have that fear. How do you feel about having a chaotic, dramatic relationship? How do you feel about being with a guy who doesn’t communicate very well with you? How do you feel about being with a guy who slowly wears away at your self esteem and causes many, many tears??
Here’s the thing…when there is a BIG fear (like being alone) that drives you to find someone, you will not have clear eyes or a clear heart to pick a guy that is healthy for you and your children, because you are not picking a guy from a healthy mindset. You are picking a guy out of fear. So you have 2 choices….face your fear about being alone, or be in a chaotic relationship that takes a TON of work where your needs don’t get met. To me, that kind of being alone, is way worse and very damaging!
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Nena,
This makes sense. First of all, it’s not YOUR job to help him trust women. That is HIS job! If he doesn’t respect women, if he hates women…I want to tell you to run the other direction. You will spend countless days and years of your life trying to get him to “trust” women and he still won’t. Whatever the reasons are for him “hating” women, he needs to face them and deal with them on his own. If that is how he feels, then yes…I’m sure he is setting up the situation for you to be chasing him so he can feel like he has power OVER you. Stop chasing him. He needs to either face his fears and feelings with women or take a hike. He needs to earn the right to be in your life and respond to you in a way that is connective. Is that not what you want with a guy? Relationships are hard enough as it is…and you want to try and help change his mind about women on top of that??? That’s like trying to climb Mount Everest! He has some emotional issues that are NOT your job to take care of.
Heidi
You got it Leyla!!!
You are going to need A LOT of patience with him. Give him some space and time. Give it about a week and then text him that you need help with something real quick. Is there anything you can think of that he can help you with? Advice about something, moving something around, fixing something? If not, you can always send a text saying, “Hey! I saw this video or article and thought of you. Hope you are having a great day!”
I’m thinking he is a guy who goes into his turtle shell and it takes a lot to get him to stick his head back out again. He is quite emotionally fragile actually. So I am guessing how you responded to him and not telling about being pregnant and how you handled everything….makes him not feel very safe with you emotionally, regardless of your apology. This is not YOUR problem! This is HIS issue. Anytime you mess up or do something to cause him hurt, this will most likely be the kind the of response you get from him. He most likely is a very high maintenance kind of guy emotionally. It’s gonna take a lot of patience and work on your end…so go for it and see what happens!
He may be worth it to you!Heidi
Hi!
We are glad you are here!
I just have a few more questions:
1. How long were you guys dating before you broke up?
2. What was the reason for breaking up?
3. What did you say to him that got him connected to you again?
4. I’m wondering if he doesn’t like you showing up without asking him first. Do you know this about him? Have you accused him of cheating in the past at all?
5. What did he say about he treated you in the bar? What were his excuses?Anymore detail is helpful!
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Thank you for all the great information!!!
Check out YNAB (You need a budget) for managing your budget! I LOVE this platform! It’s so simple and easy and flexible. It takes a bit to learn and figure out (they have a TON of classes on how to use the app as well as tips of how to improve your spending) but once you get the hang of it, it’s so great!
In regards to his fears, from everything you are saying, my feeling is that he is afraid to “grow up.” He is afraid of what it means to have the responsibility of wife…then a child and a household. This is something you will never fully understand, because as a female, we are just wired differently. For men, being able to provide for a household and his family is EVERYTHING!!! It is their identity. It defines their value, it defines them as a man, it is something that can make or break their soul in a split second. Us ladies doesn’t view it that way. We view our relationships with that level of intensity. Again…these differences are just because we are built differently.
I bet he is just terrified to grow up. He really just might be so scared to take on the final stages of responsibility….there is no going back once he crosses this threshold. It will change his mindset forever. He might still want to stay that “college kid” for a little longer…as long as he can because that mindset and way of living is so much easier and a lot less pressure compared to becoming a man, getting engaged and having an apartment together. Again…this is not an uncommon thing for men and maybe he isn’t really connected to it fully and completely…he just knows he is scared. Or maybe he does have thoughts about it….it’s hard to buy the “responsible” car vs. the car you really want. He needs to know he is ready to make the “responsible / adult” decisions vs. the college guy decisions.
How does this theory make you feel??
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
YOU may feel a deep connection with him, but reality is…he is good in person, but that’s about it. A deep connection needs to be sustainable through all areas of life. If he is afraid of something (inside of himself) and he has walls up for whatever reasons, the issue isn’t about trusting you….the issue is more inside of him staying in fear instead of facing his fear. Does this make sense? This is NOT about you being or doing something specific to get him to open up to you…this is about HIM having walls that he needs to face himself…that is not your job. Essentially, you want him to be different than what and who he is and how he approaches life. You want him to open up to you…you want him to share his feelings with you…you want him to be different than what he really is. DANGER!!! If you are going to be with this guy…you need to accept him for EXACTLY who he is, in this very moment. He is showing you, very clearly, how he handles stress in his life. If he NEVER changed that behavior and stayed like this the rest of his life, do you feel you could be completely happy with that???
Heidi
Hi Gosia,
It sounds like you both are sending a lot of mixed messages and so of course there is a lot of confusion for you. He may not be as confused, as men typically don’t think about stuff like this as much as us ladies do…lol. Who knows…but if you want the pattern to change, then the only power you have over that, is to change yourself. It sounds like you are working on it. For example, when someone says you are a nice couple, smile and say “Thank you! I have to say…he is a pretty cool guy and I feel lucky to know him!”
Yes…complimenting him more, appreciating him more…will send more clear messages instead of you also being warm and cold. I would experiment first with seeing what happens when YOU send more consistent messages….see how he responds to that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ashlee,
I agree with Kanya in that this relationship just doesn’t seem to be a good fit! I’m so happy to hear that you are going to focus on your son!
I’m curious…what culture are you from? Maybe there is a belief where you come from, that an unwed mother is not desirable? I know a TON of unwed mothers who found men that wanted the WHOLE package. From my perspective, absolutely you can fall in love again and create a family with another man. Why would that not be possible for you?
Heidi
Oh!! I’m sorry….I misunderstood…I thought there was another message you had sent besides this one….I got it now.
What kinds of emotional issues do you feel he has? I’m wondering what is going on inside of YOU that you are chasing after a guy that is emotionally unpredictable and difficult. Do you have a history of being attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable??
Heidi
