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Yep! Write us your ideas and we can definitely help you create something you feel really good about!
In the meantime, start doing more research on exercise stuff, so you can talk to him about it in an educated way!
HEidi
Hi Sylvia,
You both have a choice….and that is to forgive. EVERYTHING is forgive-able, but there are some things that aren’t workable. So know that you can forgive him for whatever choices he has made and in that forgiveness, no matter what happens, there will be a sense of peace and acceptance for what it. That’s what true forgiveness can do.
Here is the thing about “forever.” It’s not true. It’s not a guarantee, no matter what anyone says. So many things happen in life that cause people to change. People get sick, children get in the way, someone loses a job, parents die…who knows! Either way, NOT A SINGLE PERSON ON THIS EARTH can guarantee forever. The traditional vows people make on their wedding day are only good for that moment. Instead, a forever vow would sound like, “I promise that I will always work on being my best self. I promise I will mess up and hurt your feelings, but I will do whatever I can do to right my wrongs and honor and respect you through the process. I promise I will keep growing and learning about myself and always encourage you to do the same….etc.”
You are facing the loss of your dream and what you thought was going to happen. It’s so hard, no doubt. However, going to therapy and figuring all of this stuff out will teach you both how to be better partners for each other or someone else in the future. This path you both are on, is about learning and growing. Wherever it leads, who knows…so keep your eye on the PATH and know that no matter what pain or hurt may come out of it….you are learning, growing and becoming a better you…which will always help you be a better role model to your children, a better lover and partner, a better person to interact with! You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Leah,
Are you able to accept his relationship with his ex now? Do you feel you will be able to be in relationship with him without getting jealous or judging him for how he handles his ex?
There are a TON of people that are great catches and are single. That is not the issue here. It’s about finding the right kind of match to see that about you. It sounds like trust was broken and it may just take some time to build back up.
I’m curious…does he have a tendency to hold grudges? You have known him for such a long time…does he easily forgive? What are his patterns in his life when it comes to dealing with people he loves that hurt him? How does he typically handle stuff like that?
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
Welcome! This is such a great question! I’m going to answer in a way that you most likely did not want to hear…but here it goes…
Let him be pessimistic. It is not your job to change him or convince him that life is different than how he sees it. He sees life in the way he does, because it serves him. Of course there are much more healthy ways and more effective ways than pessimism, but that is not what he wants. He WANTS to be pessimistic. People who are like this, are typically very fragile emotionally. They don’t handle the ups and downs very well with resiliency. So the way they handle it, is to always stay on the down side, so the fall is less intense. Imagine if you are living at a 10, then something happens and drops you down to a 2. That’s normal in life, but someone who is fragile, it’s too much for them to handle, so instead….they hang out around a 4 or 5, so when something bad happens, it’s only a 2 point drop instead of an 8 point drop.
No matter what….your only job here is to accept him for who he is and not try to “rescue” him. Accepting him for who he is means not needing him to change. He is who he is and that’s it. Is that something you are able to accept?
Have you ever had an argument with him? Have you ever seen him handle disappointment and stress in his life? What does he do?
Heidi
Okay! If you feel like sending us the message first so we can give you feedback about your approach, feel free! We would love to help you create a good hero message!
heidi
Hi Diana,
I’m so sorry that how you read my message made you feel like I was saying you were wrong. I don’t believe that at all and nor did I intend to lead you in that direction. Neither of you are wrong….or right. You both just have different needs and fears in life and they happen to be bumping up against each other…that’s all.
I have no doubt there is a part of him that really wants to get married and take things to a deeper level. I have no doubt he wishes he could 100% align with what you want and probably tried to force himself and will himself into moving forward with you in this way. There have been times in my life where I have done the same exact thing as him…where a part of me really wanted something and then I commit to it….and the moment I committed, it activated all kinds of fears I didn’t know were there….then I tried to ignore them and kept trying to do what I said I was going to do and force myself into doing what I KNOW I want…but the fears got bigger and bigger and bigger until eventually I had to pay attention to them and deal with them. It’s completely frustrating to be on the other end of this (like you are).
Here is the bottom line of what I was saying in my previous message. You want to move forward and create plans. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all! Your needs and desires are what they are, but they go against his at the moment. So you have a choice and so does he….to choose the relationship or to choose your own needs and desires. It’s that simple actually, but far from clear and easy to do.
Let me explain a little further….you have a need and desire to move forward with him (naturally). He had that desire as well and joined you in creating that vision…but now he changed. So of course you become disappointed. Now you have a choice to make….either choose the relationship and let go of your “plan” (your dream), because you would rather have relationship with him more than having your plan happen – and instead you create a new plan together that aligns enough with where you both are at right now….or you hold onto your plan and fight for that, but that might mean you lose him because he isn’t ready.
Your feelings and plan, even though they are natural and expected, are not able to happen right now and who knows when and if he will ever be ready. I find it very encouraging he is at least willing to do counseling and take a deeper look into what is happening.
Reality is Diana, nothing is a guarantee. A person’s word is only as good as that moment. That’s why the divorce rate is over 50% these days. Those promises people make on their wedding day are made with pure and full intention to keep them….but SOMETHING changes in one person or both people….so the SKILL in relationship is being able to adjust to change and decide what is most important to you. There is no right or wrong in whatever you decide is most important either. If you decide HE is more important than making your plans happen right now…then great! Create new plans. If you decide your needs for moving forward and getting married and creating a life with him is more important to you, then that’s okay too!
I know how hard this is. I know what I am saying, although presented in a simple way, is FAR from simple. A million emotions and disappointment and hurt are all wrapped up in it. That’s what I mean when I say it’s in you…you are responsible for taking care of your hurt and disappointment because those are YOUR emotions. If you want to meet him where he is at and move forward from this very moment, then forgiving him is important. Finding peace inside of yourself is important. Accepting him for who he is, is important. It doesn’t mean you don’t get to have your needs met. It just means that you change your needs for awhile and create a new set of plans with him that feels good to both of you. At least for now. The counseling will help reveal more information for both of you as you go along. It’s just going to take some time and some healing, on your poor heart. It’s taken a beating and needs some repair. So let the therapist guide you through this rough patch and see where you both end up.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
HI Dana!
I LOOOVE how honest you are! It’s so refreshing to work with someone who is not pretending and is willing to just say how they feel. You are quite strong!
Happy birthday by the way! I’m so glad it was a wonderful day for you!
As far as what to do, it’s really up to you. If you want to be done with him, then don’t respond and just let it be. If you DO want to keep connecting, then you just simply say, “Thank you so much! I had such a great day. Is life treating you well these days?” and just leave it at that.
I know he hurt you again. It’s important for you to keep getting hurt so you can be reminded of who he is. But if you want to reconnect and keep pulling him back into your life, you get to do that.
Your hurt feelings are yours and not to take out on him. First, you don’t have the relationship anymore to confront him. It won’t get you anywhere and most likely would just cause MORE hurt because he won’t care or respond in a way that would make you feel better.
I know it’s hurting all over again, which just shows you how much “baggage” you are carrying around inside. You have a lot of anger and hurt that you are carrying around with you for some reason and it’s easily activated. This is such a perfect time for you to really dig in and find out what is going on inside of your wonderful heart….there is a lot there!
Heidi
Hi Ariel,
You are correct….life does have a funny way of working out somehow, whether it’s crazy difficult or wonderful. There are many surprises ahead of you. Keeping working to allow this door to close on your heart with him…let yourself heal and then let life show you what other wonderful gifts are available for you!
We are here for you if you still need to vent, chat or have more questions!!!!
Heidi
Hi Ariel!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges.
He is right….he needs to go live his life. I know this is really hard for you to understand because of how much you love him and just want to feel that connection with him again. He is only 17 which means he doesn’t know what the heck he wants in his life. Talking marriage and family and all that serious stuff is something more for people who have grown up more. He is still just a kid. The 20’s is a VERY IMPORTANT time for figuring out who the heck you are. It’s the decade where you are making the first “adult” decisions in your life. Paying for rent, car stuff, getting a more professional job that can support you etc. It’s a time where you are supposed to get all the kinks out and DEVELOP. He hasn’t even reached that stage yet. He has barely dated to even know what the heck he wants.
He is right to separate and not get that serious. There is something inside of him that is resisting going deep and super serious with you…or with any woman for that matter. Love him enough to let him go experience his life the way he needs to. Reality is, if he ties himself to you now…and let’s say you do go get married and have kids….the odds of him wanting to get away and “experience life” when he is in his 30’s and 40’s is SUPER HIGH. For people that get married that young, it’s a common thing to get divorced later on because they feel they “missed out” …and truth is…they did! There is a lot of life that needs to be lived before really settling down and making and being responsible for a family. You still need some time to go live your life as well!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roqaia,
Welcome! You are asking some great questions!!!
I’m happy to hear he finally has a job. Now you know what he is like when he gets stressed out. He disconnects and becomes cold. Money is such a huge stressor, even more for men.
How long have you been dating? Have you ever met in person?
I think at this point, letting him find his manhood again is really important. That means, no more supporting him financially. It’s ruining your relationship. Now that he has a job, he can figure it out ON HIS OWN. And I’ so sorry to ask this question, but I just don’t have enough information….are you sure he isn’t using you for your money?
It’s important for you to understand that trying to get the relationship back to “how it used to be” is living in the past and not the present moment. This IS who he is when he is stressed. It’s so important for you to realize that if you continue forward with this guy…this is the kind of life you will have with him. When things are good, they are good…when things get hard (in any area of his life) he will disconnect and go cold. It’s his coping mechanism. So it’s important for you to understand this and completely accept this about him.
The best thing you can do is to just give him space and let him be moody…then whenever he is ready to connect again, have fun with him! It sounds like that isn’t very hard to do. It’s just going to take a bit of time for him to get back on his feet, now that he has a job. Be patient and let him work through it.
Activating his hero instinct means you could ask him advice about something. What are his hobbies? What kinds of things does he know a lot about?
Heidi
Hi Tamra,
We are glad you are here!
First….it’s important to really connect to the TRUTH that nothing is ever final. If he leaves again and doesn’t feel “convinced” it’s okay! There are still ways to work on things and build up trust again. It’s most important to really face your fears. Your fear of losing him is driving you into this sort of panic as if you aren’t going to be okay if you lose him again. That’s not the truth. The truth is…you will be okay…it will hurt, but you will be okay and you will figure out how to get your life back in order again! Connect to the truth and make that your authority vs. trying to make decisions and “prove” anything to him out of fear.
Second….it’s IMPOSSIBLE to prove to anything in just a few short days. His expectations are unrealistic and don’t allow room for growth and time. Red flag here!
Third….if you are being verbally abusive towards him (saying mean things) when you are upset, he should take things slow. No one should ever put up with being talked to in that way. It’s harmful and it destroys the spirit. I know this is not at all what you intend or want to do. Your emotions get the best of you and you end up lashing out. It’s not an uncommon way for people to handle things however, it is a very damaging path. What are you going to do about it? HOW are you going to change that behavior? There is most likely some underlying anger and hurt you are carrying around that has a lot of charge to it and your current guy just happens to trigger it all. Do you know where this anger and meanness is coming from?
Fourth….it’s going to take time to build up trust again. I don’t blame him for not wanting to be in a relationship where there is a lot of fighting. It’s not fun. There are much better ways of communicating your frustrations. You are not getting your needs met by him. One of the best ways to get your needs met is to INSPIRE someone to help you vs. argue with them and point the finger. Reality is, it’s not HIS responsibility to make you happy and feel good about yourself. It’s yours. So by putting the blame on him is not fair. But you CAN have conversations with him about it. Get curious about what is happening for him. Your goal is to open him up and feel safe being vulnerable and honest with you vs. feeling defensive. Being curious would look something like this, “You know…you said you really wanted to work on things and “prove” to me that you could be the man I needed. Now…it just seems like your heart isn’t in that space anymore. Help me understand what is happening for you. You must be feeling scared or not safe or unsure on some level. I would love to hear what is going on and see if there is something I can do to help. Is there anything I am doing that is causing you to feel this way?”
He is having a very real experience here, but it sounds like you are just reacting to what is happening vs. having conversation about getting the core of what is going on between you guys. Do you ever just sit down and have deeper conversations without arguing?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
If anything, find compassion for him and for yourself. The amount of intensity and your need to “make concrete plans” is an EXACT reflection of his need NOT to make concrete plans. You BOTH are stressed and facing challenges and fears within yourselves…they just happen to be opposite of each other. You are not right or wrong and nor is he. You have this need to “plan.” How come? What’s the rush? It’s only been a year. Spend more time hanging out and just having some fun with no pressure. What is causing you to get so frustrated and disappointed? It’s not him. I know he isn’t going the speed YOU would like, but so what? What is preventing you from going with the flow here? There is something deeper going on here…WITHIN YOU. What is it?
Heidi
Responding sooner than later when he is helping you is more about giving him a “reward” for helping you. It will make him feel “good” to have your respond and feel like the “hero.” If you end up waiting awhile, he won’t get that dose of feeling valuable in your life and feeling useful.
Keep us updated on everything!!!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!
Thanks for joining us! It would be great if you could start your own thread so we don’t lose anyone here. It can get confusing for us moderators to make sure everyone is getting the help they need when more than 1 person is on a thread.
So when you re-post your question, it is really helpful if you offer more details. Things like why is your relationship complicated? in what way? What kind of stuff happened that brought you back together? What is happening for both of you that you are going back and forth so much? How long have you been together? How old are the both of you?
Thanks!
heidi
Hi Sonya,
Wow…I’m so sorry for all you are going through. YUK!!! This is definitely difficult to deal with. Meeting men doesn’t have to be drama filled and full of games. It all depends on you.
If you look at life as if every person and every situation is reflection of you, there are a lot of messages to be taken in. Approximately 80% of our decisions and behaviors in life are influenced by the subconscious….meaning, we aren’t even connected to majority of reasons why we are doing what we are doing. So the best place to understand why life is showing up in certain ways, is to look for symptoms…and on of the biggest symptoms are the people and situations that show up in our lives.
So if everything and everyone is a mirror, it’s saying 2 things to you:
1. How you are being treated is a reflection of how you also treat others. For example, if there is a guy that is playing a lot of games with you and not being honest, then you ask yourself….am I an honest person? Do I have tendencies to lie a lot or not be my full authentic self?? If the answer is yes, then this guy is giving you an experience of what it’s like to be on the other side of you….to hopefully “wake you up” and teach you. If the answer is no…then it’s option #2
2. How you are being treated is also a reflection of energies you carry inside of you. So maybe when you were younger, your parents role modeled unstable energy. Maybe they would say “I love you” but then never show up to important events or were not good listeners or neglected you a lot. You then absorb that “game playing” rejecting type of energy into your emotional system. You end up carrying that energy into adulthood and keep attracting guys that create a lot of drama and play games…because that energy is inside of you, acting like a magnet.
Whether it’s option 1 or 2 or a mixture of both…it’s here to help you “wake up” to what is inside of you. Once you deal with that energy that you are carrying (through healing work, facing where that energy comes from and working through it) then you will start to attract completely different kind of guys.
I’ve been aware of this concept for over 20 years and I can vouch for it 100%! As I’ve gone through the years and worked on healing all of the layers of trauma and the energies I was carrying around, it completely changed who showed up in my life both in the dating world and the type of clients who would find me as well as the kind of friends that showed up. Who I attract now is COMPLETELY different than when I was in my 20’s. What changed was me…what changed was how much of my hurt I let go of, how much anger I released, how many people I forgave.
Does this concept make sense?
Heidi
