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Hi Amber,
Thank you for being here and sharing your situation with us.
I’m sorry to hear how you guys are struggling so much. Having children and not enough money, can be lethal to a relationship (mostly for the guy). It sounds like he feels like you are never happy. It sounds like you are always wanting more from him. Am I reading this correctly?
It sounds like he is tired of you crying and not appreciating him enough. Would you say that how he is feeling is accurate? Do you see why he feels how he does?
Teach me a little bit about you. What do you do when you get upset? Do you take it out on him, or do you deal with your own emotions? How do you communicate your needs with him? How do you guys argue? Is it a lot of fighting or talking over each other?
Heidi
Hi Hillman,
I see your frustrations. You say a lot of your needs were not being met in the relationship. What needs are you referring to, other than having distance between each other? How did you meet?
I am also wondering if you have been cheated on before. The amount of questions you had and the fact there was an argument about him and that situation seems intense. I personally would not have questioned him (I also have never been cheated on). Most guys take wallets out of their pockets before going to sleep. It’s uncomfortable. You said that he calls you all the time and lets you know when he is going out with his friends, even though you have never asked him to. but in this situation you said he didn’t tell you and that made you feel like he was hiding something. This seems a bit contradictory since you are saying he doesn’t need to call and tell you or ask for your permission. Maybe there are some details you are leaving out about the situation.
He was honest with you and told you what happened correct? It sounds like you didn’t believe him or kept grilling him about it. It would instantly make him feel like you didn’t trust him. For him, he may be feeling like he puts sooooo much effort into seeing you, calling you, connecting with you and then he gets grilled by you. I imagine it was frustrating for him to put in so much work only to be doubted and questioned…after everything he has done. It may make him feel like “With everything I do for her, I get grilled like this. This is way too much work. There is no way I can ever make her feel happy.” I’m just making an educated guess here, so do you think that’s possibly how he was feeling? Did he express any of this during the argument?
Being that he brought up every other argument you guys had, it sounds like he may also be someone who tends to hold grudges. People who bring up the past are not resolved about it. It sounds like he was still holding onto some feelings about whatever was happening. What did he say about your past arguments? It might give a clue as to how he was feeling.
There is never any “right” timing for breaking up. I understand it is not in your character to walk away when someone needs you, but that is not a common trait. It is a wonderful trait to have and at the same time, that trait would get in the way of taking care of yourself sometimes. If he is not happy in the relationship, he should be walking away. You don’t need to be with a guy that causing more stress in your life. You already have so much to deal with, with your mother….to add on top of that a boyfriend whose heart isn’t fully invested…that would be way worse than him staying because of you and what you need and rejecting himself. You don’t want a guy in your life that stays for you even when his heart isn’t in it anymore. I have no doubt he cared a lot for you! He made all kinds of effort to see you and connect with you. It just sounds like the scales tipped and it was time for him to separate. Or maybe he broke up out of being angry in the moment….I don’t know what kind of guy he is and you are still learning about that. He may also be responding to his upcoming deployment. That separation is ALWAYS stressful.
Have you guys been in contact at all since the breakup?
Heidi
Hi Angelica!
I am so so sorry for what you had to witness and go through! It is beyond difficult!!! You’ve never been role modeled what a healthy love looks like or feels like. It’s always been paired with abuse, neglect and a lack of safety….you so desperately want to love and be loved….we all do…the goal is to love ourselves first and not looking for someone else to “make us feel complete.” This is such a simple thing to say, but INCREDIBLY difficult to do, especially coming from an abusive background.
Is seeing a therapist something that is possible for you? Healing those deep wounds is pretty crucial is you are going to attract a healthier relationship. Finding someone who specializes in PTSD is important.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You crack me up! Your narcissistic, manipulative pervs are just another version of emotionally unavailable men. There are plenty of them out there right???
He sounds wonderful and the time you are having together sounds really cool. I understand everything you are saying….you explain everything really well!
I just want to help you get VERY real here. I know you FEEL like you are keeping a good perspective about all of this and feel okay about being a “friends with benefits” kind of situation for now. I have been through this many times and seen women go through the same exact thing….your heart slowly gets attached without ever really being aware of it. You are already attached, most likely more than you are consciously aware of….I can tell with how you are explaining things. Reality is, if he were to disappear right this minute, I think you would be surprised at how hurt you would feel. He is a risky choice as he admittedly says he is not ready. I know he says he is working on his walls, but how? What is he DOING to work on his walls and the trauma of being a widow?? You are having sex with him, which means oxytocin is being released into your body (not his) each time, which is a bonding chemical. Us ladies get that dose for the first 7 years we are having sex with a man. Interesting right?
Anyways, I’m not at all saying you should walk away as this is a GREAT experience for you….I’m just saying that you are walking into a situation where the guy is emotionally not available and he has a lot of healing work to do….which means he is a flight risk. My best suggestion is to stop having sex. I know it’s soooo difficult as it’s a wonderful thing….AND….this is your heart you are playing with. Taking things a lot slower sexually is a way to honor both of your hearts by getting to know each other better without the intimacy.
Of course, you guys will do what you are going to do though…lol. It’s all good. I’m rooting for both of you as you can be a good new experience for him and he can give you an experience of what an authentic guy feels like!
Keep us updated!!!
heidi
Hi Hillman,
I am so sorry to hear this. I know how shocking it can be when someone you love completely does a 180. It can take your breath away. Of course you feel abandoned and hurt.
Reality is, anyone is capable of this. I have always been taught by my own Coach, you can really know someone and not. Just the right dose of certain kinds of stress and a stable, predictable person can make decisions that shake everything up. Obviously there is enough stress that it’s triggering him into wanting to head in a different direction. It’s a bummer he is not willing to work through this WITH you.
Let’s talk a little more about what is happening. Do you know why he wants to break up? Did he share his feelings with you? Is there anything he mentioned that made him unhappy in the relationship?
Any details you can offer about how he is feeling, the dynamics of your relationship, how long you have been together etc….it’s all helpful!
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
Of course it’s hard! Separating from someone we have really invested in, is ALWAYS difficult. It’s like what Kanya is saying though…he is sending you all kinds of mixed messages and is NOT clear in his own life. He is A LOT to manage. Of course you keep thinking about the wonderful things and ignoring the difficult things. We all do that after breakups AND there needs to be a part of you that you connect to…that loves yourself enough…that values your heart as if it the most precious thing on this earth….that cares about how you are treated so much so…that you will no longer participate in ANY relationship where someone isn’t honoring you, valuing you, appreciating you and respecting who you are. It has to start with YOU treating yourself that way, before you can expect any guy to treat you that way. He is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you were really connected to your value and self worth and truly believe in the amazingness that you are….there is NO WAY anyone could even pay you a million dollars to allow you to be treated this way!
You keep seeking him to fill a hole inside of you…and that hole needs to be filled by YOU instead. We are all like swiss cheese. We have solid parts and we have holes. The only difference between each person is how many holes we have AND what we do to fill those holes. MANY people seek others, money, fame or whatever to fill those holes (sources outside of us) and it NEVER lasts….if you want to feel better and let him go….YOU have to fill your own holes and not rely on him to make you feel better. Every time you think about how wonderful he is, also remember how NOT wonderful he is. Also remember how he doesn’t value you nor respect you….and then remember you deserve better than that!
Thoughts??
Heidi
So you start with saying, “hey! Hope all is well with you! I need your help with something real quick…” or something to that affect…I don’t suggest just saying “I need your help.” For most guys, that’s fine, but with him being a cop…his mind can instantly go to thinking that something is “wrong” and that is not the kind of feeling you want him to have. You don’t want to trigger his cop instinct…you want to trigger the NORMAL guy that likes to help instinct. So after sending that first text, you wait for him to respond….THEN you ask him for advice about working out.
Let us know how it goes!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Wow! A lot has happened in such a short amount of time! How are you feeling about all of it?
It sounds like, for right now, you both are on the same page. I definitely would suggest to keep the sex out of it, because at this point, you will just become a “friends with benefits” kinda gal for him. However, I know the odds of not having sex again are pretty low….lol. Once you’ve crossed that line, it’s pretty difficult to take a step back. Just do the best you can in remembering that your heart is in this…whether you want to admit that or not and his is not…at least not right now. Women are soooo much more connective than men in general. He is very aware of his walls and how much he is NOT ready for a relationship….remember you are walking into a situation with a guy who is admitting that he is not emotionally available….which is your pattern. It doesn’t mean you have to walk away….I’m just mentioning this so you can just notice and pay attention. You are quite strong and resilient and will figure out, moment by moment, what you are willing to do!
Keep us updated please! I think this is a great situation for you!
Heidi
Hi Leyla!
Navigating the gym can be really tough. I think this is the perfect thing to ask him about!So let’s figure out what you are going to say. What about something, “Hey! So I finally joined a gym again. I’ve been reading articles and watching videos, but I’m also reading a lot of articles that talk about people getting hurt and I want to be careful. You have a lot of experience so I thought you would be a good resource for me. Any suggestions of where to start? Any workouts that you think would be safe for me to go try myself?”
What do you think about this?
Heidi
Hi Emma!
Welcome! We would love to help you with anything you need!
It sounds like there is a strong connection between you guys. How old are you both? How often do you communicate with each other? Am I understanding correctly that you have only seen him in person 1x, when you first met? Have you ever talked romance with each other?? Does he know how you feel?
Anymore detail you are willing to share will be really helpful!
Heidi
There are a ton of things to watch. It depends on what you are wanting to learn about. It sounds like you don’t have any experience in the gym at all. What are some of your goals? What are you wanting to feel like in your body? Do you even like the gym environment? I know you don’t know much about it, but do you feel you will at least like being there and enjoy the concept of it? I ask this because there really are people who just don’t like the gym, so they need to find other ways to move and take care of their bodies…
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Your smartest move is to make YOURSELF and your heart the priority. It’s not to say that something romantic won’t come out of it, but when you make your heart the most important and valuable possession you have and you treat it as such, you will start to require that others do the same. You will be surprised what can happen and change once you decide to set boundaries and take care of your precious heart the way it deserves!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of this with us! You have quite the unusual situation here. My heart goes out to you!
I’m going to make this very simple, yet there is nothing simple about it.
I know who he used to be, but he is not that anymore. Who he is now is verbally abusive and narcissistic. I don’t know what caused him to shift. Maybe being more around his parents who don’t want him there anymore? Maybe seeing you go through very difficult times and feeling powerless to fix any of it? No matter the reason, he is choosing to be very unkind, uncaring and verbally abusive. You cannot change that about him. It’s who he is, so if you want to stay in this relationship, you are also accepting what comes with it.
Your “love” existed when he was a different person. You are holding onto the past and wanting that to be the reality, but that is not going to happen. He is someone who won’t get help and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to change anything on any level. So your only job now is to decide to let go of your marriage and what USED to be and start fighting for yourself and loving yourself. You are wanting him to love you and care for you, but you are not doing that for yourself. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. You can start to try and set boundaries and be honest with him. “No, I am not going to visit you because I don’t feel like being around someone who is angry at me and upset about me gaining weight. When you feel you are okay with who I am and love me just exactly as who I am TODAY…then I will come visit you.” Or….you can continue to keep your mouth shut, keep getting your heart stabbed over and over and over again…and deal with the consequences of what that brings into your life.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. There is nothing easy about it and it’s full of so many layers of emotions.
How does what I said, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Wow…what an interesting situation. I find it strange that he connects soooo strongly with you and does all of those things with you, but says he doesn’t feel “that way” towards you.
Here is the reality. You are not in the “friend” zone because friends do not behave this way. It’s inappropriate and sends a lot of mixed signals. However you are not romantically involved either. Of course you fell in love with him!
If he is not interested in you romantically, then it’s important for you to start to pull back. Essentially, he is getting so close to you, connecting with your beautiful heart, doing things with you that really should only be reserved for romantic couples….yet he won’t go any further. NOT OKAY! You need to get realistic.
There is no way you could ever invite any other man into your life as long as you keep this relationship going in the design that it’s going. There is no possible way to make someone feel something for you that isn’t there. What may activate something him though, is the loss of you.
So maybe consider a re-design. No more sleeping in the same bed, no more talking 6+ hours on the phone daily, no more him paying for you on “dates.” I know this would be quite radical, but here is the reality….he says he doesn’t have feelings for you. Regardless of how good you feel you would be together as a couple, he has to have romantic feelings for you in order for that to happen. Maybe you pulling back could activate that in him. Maybe him realizing you are dating other guys, could activate his need to WANT to be with you. I don’t think you going more towards him will get what you want from him as he already gets everything from you that he wants.
So it’s time to see if he will chase you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dana!
I totally get your ranting. I have been there many times and I have also been pretty judgmental towards myself like you are being. It’s so interesting to see yourself in someone else! It’s good for me!
I don’t know what else to say, other than to bring you back to yourself. This is not about him at all. This is about you. This is about you connecting to yourself in order to get over him…not getting mad at yourself because you are crying. You took a risk. Loving anyone and opening your heart is a risk. What are you going to do? Shut down and never do this again???? I hope not. You are strong enough to handle whatever shows up for you. You took a chance and it worked for awhile. You got to feel some pretty amazing things. Are you going to ruin what WAS true just because at the current moment it’s not true anymore? That would make me sad if you that is your choice and perspective. He changed and there is nothing you can do about that. It doesn’t mean that what did exist was a lie or should be any less valuable. If anything, it should teach you what is possible. It should help you set new standards as to how you want to feel. My last boyfriend did that for me. I felt the most amazing I had ever felt in my life with him! He helped me know what is possible with a man and what is possible for me to feel. Even though it didn’t work out in the end, it doesn’t change any of that.
Again, being a good person, beautiful etc. has nothing to do with being single. I have no doubt you are absolutely amazing and a great catch AND you have some work to do with the anger and hurt you are carrying around right now. You are not going to just get over him. It’s not that easy. You are going to hurt and go through many phases of ups and downs as you process this loss. It’s the reality of healing and detaching from love.
So your choice now is to either keep focusing on how “stupid” you are for feeling these feelings and that you can’t let him go yet and keep focusing on your anger towards him…..OR…..you can choose to embrace what is present for you in each moment, accept it and work with it. The first option will keep you circling in a loop that feels like torture and you won’t heal. The second option is your path to healing. It’s your choice how you decide to deal with this.
I’m hoping Florida will give you some peace of mind, at least for a bit and help you re-connect to yourself. Keep telling yourself you are loveable and you ARE enough. Whether he chose your or not….you are worth fighting for and caring for and being with. Tell that to yourself when the your low self esteem thoughts start popping up saying your stupid, that you are too nice or there is something wrong with you. Those thoughts will NEVER help you heal. It’s the kind and compassionate thoughts that will create healing. It’s being patient with yourself and all that you feel, that will help you heal.
Heidi
