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Hi Ariel,
You are correct….life does have a funny way of working out somehow, whether it’s crazy difficult or wonderful. There are many surprises ahead of you. Keeping working to allow this door to close on your heart with him…let yourself heal and then let life show you what other wonderful gifts are available for you!
We are here for you if you still need to vent, chat or have more questions!!!!
Heidi
Hi Ariel!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenges.
He is right….he needs to go live his life. I know this is really hard for you to understand because of how much you love him and just want to feel that connection with him again. He is only 17 which means he doesn’t know what the heck he wants in his life. Talking marriage and family and all that serious stuff is something more for people who have grown up more. He is still just a kid. The 20’s is a VERY IMPORTANT time for figuring out who the heck you are. It’s the decade where you are making the first “adult” decisions in your life. Paying for rent, car stuff, getting a more professional job that can support you etc. It’s a time where you are supposed to get all the kinks out and DEVELOP. He hasn’t even reached that stage yet. He has barely dated to even know what the heck he wants.
He is right to separate and not get that serious. There is something inside of him that is resisting going deep and super serious with you…or with any woman for that matter. Love him enough to let him go experience his life the way he needs to. Reality is, if he ties himself to you now…and let’s say you do go get married and have kids….the odds of him wanting to get away and “experience life” when he is in his 30’s and 40’s is SUPER HIGH. For people that get married that young, it’s a common thing to get divorced later on because they feel they “missed out” …and truth is…they did! There is a lot of life that needs to be lived before really settling down and making and being responsible for a family. You still need some time to go live your life as well!!!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roqaia,
Welcome! You are asking some great questions!!!
I’m happy to hear he finally has a job. Now you know what he is like when he gets stressed out. He disconnects and becomes cold. Money is such a huge stressor, even more for men.
How long have you been dating? Have you ever met in person?
I think at this point, letting him find his manhood again is really important. That means, no more supporting him financially. It’s ruining your relationship. Now that he has a job, he can figure it out ON HIS OWN. And I’ so sorry to ask this question, but I just don’t have enough information….are you sure he isn’t using you for your money?
It’s important for you to understand that trying to get the relationship back to “how it used to be” is living in the past and not the present moment. This IS who he is when he is stressed. It’s so important for you to realize that if you continue forward with this guy…this is the kind of life you will have with him. When things are good, they are good…when things get hard (in any area of his life) he will disconnect and go cold. It’s his coping mechanism. So it’s important for you to understand this and completely accept this about him.
The best thing you can do is to just give him space and let him be moody…then whenever he is ready to connect again, have fun with him! It sounds like that isn’t very hard to do. It’s just going to take a bit of time for him to get back on his feet, now that he has a job. Be patient and let him work through it.
Activating his hero instinct means you could ask him advice about something. What are his hobbies? What kinds of things does he know a lot about?
Heidi
Hi Tamra,
We are glad you are here!
First….it’s important to really connect to the TRUTH that nothing is ever final. If he leaves again and doesn’t feel “convinced” it’s okay! There are still ways to work on things and build up trust again. It’s most important to really face your fears. Your fear of losing him is driving you into this sort of panic as if you aren’t going to be okay if you lose him again. That’s not the truth. The truth is…you will be okay…it will hurt, but you will be okay and you will figure out how to get your life back in order again! Connect to the truth and make that your authority vs. trying to make decisions and “prove” anything to him out of fear.
Second….it’s IMPOSSIBLE to prove to anything in just a few short days. His expectations are unrealistic and don’t allow room for growth and time. Red flag here!
Third….if you are being verbally abusive towards him (saying mean things) when you are upset, he should take things slow. No one should ever put up with being talked to in that way. It’s harmful and it destroys the spirit. I know this is not at all what you intend or want to do. Your emotions get the best of you and you end up lashing out. It’s not an uncommon way for people to handle things however, it is a very damaging path. What are you going to do about it? HOW are you going to change that behavior? There is most likely some underlying anger and hurt you are carrying around that has a lot of charge to it and your current guy just happens to trigger it all. Do you know where this anger and meanness is coming from?
Fourth….it’s going to take time to build up trust again. I don’t blame him for not wanting to be in a relationship where there is a lot of fighting. It’s not fun. There are much better ways of communicating your frustrations. You are not getting your needs met by him. One of the best ways to get your needs met is to INSPIRE someone to help you vs. argue with them and point the finger. Reality is, it’s not HIS responsibility to make you happy and feel good about yourself. It’s yours. So by putting the blame on him is not fair. But you CAN have conversations with him about it. Get curious about what is happening for him. Your goal is to open him up and feel safe being vulnerable and honest with you vs. feeling defensive. Being curious would look something like this, “You know…you said you really wanted to work on things and “prove” to me that you could be the man I needed. Now…it just seems like your heart isn’t in that space anymore. Help me understand what is happening for you. You must be feeling scared or not safe or unsure on some level. I would love to hear what is going on and see if there is something I can do to help. Is there anything I am doing that is causing you to feel this way?”
He is having a very real experience here, but it sounds like you are just reacting to what is happening vs. having conversation about getting the core of what is going on between you guys. Do you ever just sit down and have deeper conversations without arguing?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
If anything, find compassion for him and for yourself. The amount of intensity and your need to “make concrete plans” is an EXACT reflection of his need NOT to make concrete plans. You BOTH are stressed and facing challenges and fears within yourselves…they just happen to be opposite of each other. You are not right or wrong and nor is he. You have this need to “plan.” How come? What’s the rush? It’s only been a year. Spend more time hanging out and just having some fun with no pressure. What is causing you to get so frustrated and disappointed? It’s not him. I know he isn’t going the speed YOU would like, but so what? What is preventing you from going with the flow here? There is something deeper going on here…WITHIN YOU. What is it?
Heidi
Responding sooner than later when he is helping you is more about giving him a “reward” for helping you. It will make him feel “good” to have your respond and feel like the “hero.” If you end up waiting awhile, he won’t get that dose of feeling valuable in your life and feeling useful.
Keep us updated on everything!!!
Heidi
Hi Jennifer!
Thanks for joining us! It would be great if you could start your own thread so we don’t lose anyone here. It can get confusing for us moderators to make sure everyone is getting the help they need when more than 1 person is on a thread.
So when you re-post your question, it is really helpful if you offer more details. Things like why is your relationship complicated? in what way? What kind of stuff happened that brought you back together? What is happening for both of you that you are going back and forth so much? How long have you been together? How old are the both of you?
Thanks!
heidi
Hi Sonya,
Wow…I’m so sorry for all you are going through. YUK!!! This is definitely difficult to deal with. Meeting men doesn’t have to be drama filled and full of games. It all depends on you.
If you look at life as if every person and every situation is reflection of you, there are a lot of messages to be taken in. Approximately 80% of our decisions and behaviors in life are influenced by the subconscious….meaning, we aren’t even connected to majority of reasons why we are doing what we are doing. So the best place to understand why life is showing up in certain ways, is to look for symptoms…and on of the biggest symptoms are the people and situations that show up in our lives.
So if everything and everyone is a mirror, it’s saying 2 things to you:
1. How you are being treated is a reflection of how you also treat others. For example, if there is a guy that is playing a lot of games with you and not being honest, then you ask yourself….am I an honest person? Do I have tendencies to lie a lot or not be my full authentic self?? If the answer is yes, then this guy is giving you an experience of what it’s like to be on the other side of you….to hopefully “wake you up” and teach you. If the answer is no…then it’s option #2
2. How you are being treated is also a reflection of energies you carry inside of you. So maybe when you were younger, your parents role modeled unstable energy. Maybe they would say “I love you” but then never show up to important events or were not good listeners or neglected you a lot. You then absorb that “game playing” rejecting type of energy into your emotional system. You end up carrying that energy into adulthood and keep attracting guys that create a lot of drama and play games…because that energy is inside of you, acting like a magnet.
Whether it’s option 1 or 2 or a mixture of both…it’s here to help you “wake up” to what is inside of you. Once you deal with that energy that you are carrying (through healing work, facing where that energy comes from and working through it) then you will start to attract completely different kind of guys.
I’ve been aware of this concept for over 20 years and I can vouch for it 100%! As I’ve gone through the years and worked on healing all of the layers of trauma and the energies I was carrying around, it completely changed who showed up in my life both in the dating world and the type of clients who would find me as well as the kind of friends that showed up. Who I attract now is COMPLETELY different than when I was in my 20’s. What changed was me…what changed was how much of my hurt I let go of, how much anger I released, how many people I forgave.
Does this concept make sense?
Heidi
Hi Agnes,
I’m glad to hear that you are getting some help now and that you are very determined to live your life differently. That’s wonderful! It sounds like he is someone that inspires you to want to be better!
Does he know you are going to counseling?
Maybe in a week you can say something like, “Hey…I was just thinking about you. I had a good therapy session the other day. I just am finding more and more how grateful I am for you being in my life. I know I am / was a lot to handle….so thank you for all you did. Hopefully this last week treated you really well!”
How does saying something like that feel for you? I’m not sure how you guys talk to each other, but I think one of the ways of building up trust and especially emotional safety for him, is to share what you are learning, complimenting him, letting him know the realizations you are having. You are taking ACTION to change your anger…not just talking about it…he needs to know that.
Heidi
OH! And I DO recommend to just go watch a few youtube videos. He may ask what you watched and what articles you read. It would just be a good idea to go into the conversation with some SPECIFIC questions, so he knows you actually DID make some effort to learn things and you aren’t just trying to get him to talk to you again. Guys can smell out stuff like that in an instant. So go educate yourself a bit and come up with some specific questions you want to ask.
FYI…I am also a Personal Trainer, so I can help you with some questions if you aren’t sure. I’d like you to go do some research on your own first…that way it will be authentic when you connect with him.
Make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
How do you feel about waiting another 4 or 5 days?
When he replies asking you what you need help with, you can say something like, “I had a conversation about a month ago with a friend about working out. I think I am finally ready to start to take care of my body better. I’d like to get stronger, but I’m also afraid of hurting myself. I’ve read a few things and watched videos, but I’m just not sure where to start. Being that you are very knowledgeable on this topic, I thought maybe you would have some guidance and suggestions for me that could help get me started. Your help would be amazing!”
Heidi
Hi Sylvia!
Welcome! We are so glad you are hearing sharing your challenges with us! This is quite the rollercoaster ride you are on. He sounds very confused and split. I have no doubt he loves you, but it sounds like there is something getting in the way for him. Many times, once the wedding starts to come into the picture, it’s not unusual for someone to start to panic, for one reason or another.
I’m going to hit you with a real harsh reality. He COULD do this again. YOU could do this to him. There are no guarantees in relationship. I have seen couples that have been married for decades and one day, one person decides they don’t want to be married anymore. Of course it’s not a split second decision, but reality is….life and people are ALWAYS changing! You CAN handle it again if this he does this again. Whether it’s him or another guy, love is a risk. Wouldn’t you rather risk with him? The next guy cannot offer you anymore guarantee than your current guy. Vows in marriage saying “til death do us part” are a bunch of empty promises. No one can promise something like that, not even you.
I think your guy has a WONDERFUL suggestion to start going to therapy. Obviously he has some things he needs to work through and there is not better place to do it than with a 3rd party who can offer objectivity and help you through things as well. You may have thought everything was okay, but he is having a different experience. Maybe he did cheat with that girl from work. Maybe he really struggled with some things while you were dealing with depression. How does he know you won’t go through that again??? Many times, the partner feels abandoned when their person gets depressed and it’s really hard. It’s hard on everyone. Either way…his willingness to work through things, his willingness to get some help and have a professional opinion about areas he does not understand….is wonderful!!!
Are you willing to let go of all the questions for now?? Can you just agree to go to counseling and trust that you will get all of your questions answered in that environment??
Heidi
Interesting….what did he mean when he said “Something happened in the relationship and that you changed?” Did you get any more information about that?
How do you feel about everything….I’m not really sure you WANT to be with him. It sounds like a part of you might really be okay being just friends. Is that true? Help me understand what you REALLY want….I’m sure if I am confused from what you are presenting, he may be confused as well…not sure….thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Maryam!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
How often are you guys talking? What are your conversations like? Why do you think he is feeling rejected? Has he changed since he said “I love you?” Canceling because he had to go home makes sense to me. So I’m wondering why you feel like there is more distance happening. Would you mind sharing some examples??
Heidi
Hi Jeannie!
We are so glad this information is helping you realize how you can better support your partner and men in general. There is so much to learn isn’t there???
The first thing I want to mention is that this aspect is just ONE aspect of many dynamics in a relationship. You are ending up with “jackwagons” for many more reasons than the challenges you mentioned above. BUT…these concepts mentioned here are crucial to understand. Women do love to nurture and men love to be the hero. Honoring both is important! Nurturing is more like when someone NEEDS help…when they are sick, when they are feeling low….nurture is about “comfort” whereas the hero thing is about “rescuing.” 2 totally different energies! Do you see the difference? Men need to rescue, so women need to give them the opportunity to rescue…whether it’s helping solve a problem, offering advice that helps their woman feel better, moving furniture….whatever they can do to put a smile on their woman’s face!!! Even if you don’t need help, it’s good to still ask and then you play it up with gratitude when they are done.
As far as keeping it cool right now, let’s look at the part of you that is getting very attached very quickly. Your brain is creating a fantasy about this person. Your brain is getting attached to the chemical rush you are getting when connecting with him. It’s important that you bring up the other part of you that says, “He may be great and wonderful and all of this may feel incredible AND it is going to take time and patience to see if he is really worth anything. He needs to earn the right to experience my heart.” So as you find yourself staring at your phone, tell yourself NO! I am not waiting around for a man…I am going to go live my life! And then go DO something and take control. Go exercise, go cook an amazing meal, go on a walk AND LEAVE YOUR PHONE AT HOME! Force yourself to disconnect! You are already giving him soooo much power of your attention and losing precious time in your day staring at your phone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
