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Hi Emilie,
Wow! A lot has happened in such a short amount of time! How are you feeling about all of it?
It sounds like, for right now, you both are on the same page. I definitely would suggest to keep the sex out of it, because at this point, you will just become a “friends with benefits” kinda gal for him. However, I know the odds of not having sex again are pretty low….lol. Once you’ve crossed that line, it’s pretty difficult to take a step back. Just do the best you can in remembering that your heart is in this…whether you want to admit that or not and his is not…at least not right now. Women are soooo much more connective than men in general. He is very aware of his walls and how much he is NOT ready for a relationship….remember you are walking into a situation with a guy who is admitting that he is not emotionally available….which is your pattern. It doesn’t mean you have to walk away….I’m just mentioning this so you can just notice and pay attention. You are quite strong and resilient and will figure out, moment by moment, what you are willing to do!
Keep us updated please! I think this is a great situation for you!
Heidi
Hi Leyla!
Navigating the gym can be really tough. I think this is the perfect thing to ask him about!So let’s figure out what you are going to say. What about something, “Hey! So I finally joined a gym again. I’ve been reading articles and watching videos, but I’m also reading a lot of articles that talk about people getting hurt and I want to be careful. You have a lot of experience so I thought you would be a good resource for me. Any suggestions of where to start? Any workouts that you think would be safe for me to go try myself?”
What do you think about this?
Heidi
Hi Emma!
Welcome! We would love to help you with anything you need!
It sounds like there is a strong connection between you guys. How old are you both? How often do you communicate with each other? Am I understanding correctly that you have only seen him in person 1x, when you first met? Have you ever talked romance with each other?? Does he know how you feel?
Anymore detail you are willing to share will be really helpful!
Heidi
There are a ton of things to watch. It depends on what you are wanting to learn about. It sounds like you don’t have any experience in the gym at all. What are some of your goals? What are you wanting to feel like in your body? Do you even like the gym environment? I know you don’t know much about it, but do you feel you will at least like being there and enjoy the concept of it? I ask this because there really are people who just don’t like the gym, so they need to find other ways to move and take care of their bodies…
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Your smartest move is to make YOURSELF and your heart the priority. It’s not to say that something romantic won’t come out of it, but when you make your heart the most important and valuable possession you have and you treat it as such, you will start to require that others do the same. You will be surprised what can happen and change once you decide to set boundaries and take care of your precious heart the way it deserves!
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing all of this with us! You have quite the unusual situation here. My heart goes out to you!
I’m going to make this very simple, yet there is nothing simple about it.
I know who he used to be, but he is not that anymore. Who he is now is verbally abusive and narcissistic. I don’t know what caused him to shift. Maybe being more around his parents who don’t want him there anymore? Maybe seeing you go through very difficult times and feeling powerless to fix any of it? No matter the reason, he is choosing to be very unkind, uncaring and verbally abusive. You cannot change that about him. It’s who he is, so if you want to stay in this relationship, you are also accepting what comes with it.
Your “love” existed when he was a different person. You are holding onto the past and wanting that to be the reality, but that is not going to happen. He is someone who won’t get help and it doesn’t sound like he is willing to change anything on any level. So your only job now is to decide to let go of your marriage and what USED to be and start fighting for yourself and loving yourself. You are wanting him to love you and care for you, but you are not doing that for yourself. You are wanting him to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. You can start to try and set boundaries and be honest with him. “No, I am not going to visit you because I don’t feel like being around someone who is angry at me and upset about me gaining weight. When you feel you are okay with who I am and love me just exactly as who I am TODAY…then I will come visit you.” Or….you can continue to keep your mouth shut, keep getting your heart stabbed over and over and over again…and deal with the consequences of what that brings into your life.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. There is nothing easy about it and it’s full of so many layers of emotions.
How does what I said, make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Wow…what an interesting situation. I find it strange that he connects soooo strongly with you and does all of those things with you, but says he doesn’t feel “that way” towards you.
Here is the reality. You are not in the “friend” zone because friends do not behave this way. It’s inappropriate and sends a lot of mixed signals. However you are not romantically involved either. Of course you fell in love with him!
If he is not interested in you romantically, then it’s important for you to start to pull back. Essentially, he is getting so close to you, connecting with your beautiful heart, doing things with you that really should only be reserved for romantic couples….yet he won’t go any further. NOT OKAY! You need to get realistic.
There is no way you could ever invite any other man into your life as long as you keep this relationship going in the design that it’s going. There is no possible way to make someone feel something for you that isn’t there. What may activate something him though, is the loss of you.
So maybe consider a re-design. No more sleeping in the same bed, no more talking 6+ hours on the phone daily, no more him paying for you on “dates.” I know this would be quite radical, but here is the reality….he says he doesn’t have feelings for you. Regardless of how good you feel you would be together as a couple, he has to have romantic feelings for you in order for that to happen. Maybe you pulling back could activate that in him. Maybe him realizing you are dating other guys, could activate his need to WANT to be with you. I don’t think you going more towards him will get what you want from him as he already gets everything from you that he wants.
So it’s time to see if he will chase you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dana!
I totally get your ranting. I have been there many times and I have also been pretty judgmental towards myself like you are being. It’s so interesting to see yourself in someone else! It’s good for me!
I don’t know what else to say, other than to bring you back to yourself. This is not about him at all. This is about you. This is about you connecting to yourself in order to get over him…not getting mad at yourself because you are crying. You took a risk. Loving anyone and opening your heart is a risk. What are you going to do? Shut down and never do this again???? I hope not. You are strong enough to handle whatever shows up for you. You took a chance and it worked for awhile. You got to feel some pretty amazing things. Are you going to ruin what WAS true just because at the current moment it’s not true anymore? That would make me sad if you that is your choice and perspective. He changed and there is nothing you can do about that. It doesn’t mean that what did exist was a lie or should be any less valuable. If anything, it should teach you what is possible. It should help you set new standards as to how you want to feel. My last boyfriend did that for me. I felt the most amazing I had ever felt in my life with him! He helped me know what is possible with a man and what is possible for me to feel. Even though it didn’t work out in the end, it doesn’t change any of that.
Again, being a good person, beautiful etc. has nothing to do with being single. I have no doubt you are absolutely amazing and a great catch AND you have some work to do with the anger and hurt you are carrying around right now. You are not going to just get over him. It’s not that easy. You are going to hurt and go through many phases of ups and downs as you process this loss. It’s the reality of healing and detaching from love.
So your choice now is to either keep focusing on how “stupid” you are for feeling these feelings and that you can’t let him go yet and keep focusing on your anger towards him…..OR…..you can choose to embrace what is present for you in each moment, accept it and work with it. The first option will keep you circling in a loop that feels like torture and you won’t heal. The second option is your path to healing. It’s your choice how you decide to deal with this.
I’m hoping Florida will give you some peace of mind, at least for a bit and help you re-connect to yourself. Keep telling yourself you are loveable and you ARE enough. Whether he chose your or not….you are worth fighting for and caring for and being with. Tell that to yourself when the your low self esteem thoughts start popping up saying your stupid, that you are too nice or there is something wrong with you. Those thoughts will NEVER help you heal. It’s the kind and compassionate thoughts that will create healing. It’s being patient with yourself and all that you feel, that will help you heal.
Heidi
Yep! Write us your ideas and we can definitely help you create something you feel really good about!
In the meantime, start doing more research on exercise stuff, so you can talk to him about it in an educated way!
HEidi
Hi Sylvia,
You both have a choice….and that is to forgive. EVERYTHING is forgive-able, but there are some things that aren’t workable. So know that you can forgive him for whatever choices he has made and in that forgiveness, no matter what happens, there will be a sense of peace and acceptance for what it. That’s what true forgiveness can do.
Here is the thing about “forever.” It’s not true. It’s not a guarantee, no matter what anyone says. So many things happen in life that cause people to change. People get sick, children get in the way, someone loses a job, parents die…who knows! Either way, NOT A SINGLE PERSON ON THIS EARTH can guarantee forever. The traditional vows people make on their wedding day are only good for that moment. Instead, a forever vow would sound like, “I promise that I will always work on being my best self. I promise I will mess up and hurt your feelings, but I will do whatever I can do to right my wrongs and honor and respect you through the process. I promise I will keep growing and learning about myself and always encourage you to do the same….etc.”
You are facing the loss of your dream and what you thought was going to happen. It’s so hard, no doubt. However, going to therapy and figuring all of this stuff out will teach you both how to be better partners for each other or someone else in the future. This path you both are on, is about learning and growing. Wherever it leads, who knows…so keep your eye on the PATH and know that no matter what pain or hurt may come out of it….you are learning, growing and becoming a better you…which will always help you be a better role model to your children, a better lover and partner, a better person to interact with! You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Leah,
Are you able to accept his relationship with his ex now? Do you feel you will be able to be in relationship with him without getting jealous or judging him for how he handles his ex?
There are a TON of people that are great catches and are single. That is not the issue here. It’s about finding the right kind of match to see that about you. It sounds like trust was broken and it may just take some time to build back up.
I’m curious…does he have a tendency to hold grudges? You have known him for such a long time…does he easily forgive? What are his patterns in his life when it comes to dealing with people he loves that hurt him? How does he typically handle stuff like that?
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
Welcome! This is such a great question! I’m going to answer in a way that you most likely did not want to hear…but here it goes…
Let him be pessimistic. It is not your job to change him or convince him that life is different than how he sees it. He sees life in the way he does, because it serves him. Of course there are much more healthy ways and more effective ways than pessimism, but that is not what he wants. He WANTS to be pessimistic. People who are like this, are typically very fragile emotionally. They don’t handle the ups and downs very well with resiliency. So the way they handle it, is to always stay on the down side, so the fall is less intense. Imagine if you are living at a 10, then something happens and drops you down to a 2. That’s normal in life, but someone who is fragile, it’s too much for them to handle, so instead….they hang out around a 4 or 5, so when something bad happens, it’s only a 2 point drop instead of an 8 point drop.
No matter what….your only job here is to accept him for who he is and not try to “rescue” him. Accepting him for who he is means not needing him to change. He is who he is and that’s it. Is that something you are able to accept?
Have you ever had an argument with him? Have you ever seen him handle disappointment and stress in his life? What does he do?
Heidi
Okay! If you feel like sending us the message first so we can give you feedback about your approach, feel free! We would love to help you create a good hero message!
heidi
Hi Diana,
I’m so sorry that how you read my message made you feel like I was saying you were wrong. I don’t believe that at all and nor did I intend to lead you in that direction. Neither of you are wrong….or right. You both just have different needs and fears in life and they happen to be bumping up against each other…that’s all.
I have no doubt there is a part of him that really wants to get married and take things to a deeper level. I have no doubt he wishes he could 100% align with what you want and probably tried to force himself and will himself into moving forward with you in this way. There have been times in my life where I have done the same exact thing as him…where a part of me really wanted something and then I commit to it….and the moment I committed, it activated all kinds of fears I didn’t know were there….then I tried to ignore them and kept trying to do what I said I was going to do and force myself into doing what I KNOW I want…but the fears got bigger and bigger and bigger until eventually I had to pay attention to them and deal with them. It’s completely frustrating to be on the other end of this (like you are).
Here is the bottom line of what I was saying in my previous message. You want to move forward and create plans. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all! Your needs and desires are what they are, but they go against his at the moment. So you have a choice and so does he….to choose the relationship or to choose your own needs and desires. It’s that simple actually, but far from clear and easy to do.
Let me explain a little further….you have a need and desire to move forward with him (naturally). He had that desire as well and joined you in creating that vision…but now he changed. So of course you become disappointed. Now you have a choice to make….either choose the relationship and let go of your “plan” (your dream), because you would rather have relationship with him more than having your plan happen – and instead you create a new plan together that aligns enough with where you both are at right now….or you hold onto your plan and fight for that, but that might mean you lose him because he isn’t ready.
Your feelings and plan, even though they are natural and expected, are not able to happen right now and who knows when and if he will ever be ready. I find it very encouraging he is at least willing to do counseling and take a deeper look into what is happening.
Reality is Diana, nothing is a guarantee. A person’s word is only as good as that moment. That’s why the divorce rate is over 50% these days. Those promises people make on their wedding day are made with pure and full intention to keep them….but SOMETHING changes in one person or both people….so the SKILL in relationship is being able to adjust to change and decide what is most important to you. There is no right or wrong in whatever you decide is most important either. If you decide HE is more important than making your plans happen right now…then great! Create new plans. If you decide your needs for moving forward and getting married and creating a life with him is more important to you, then that’s okay too!
I know how hard this is. I know what I am saying, although presented in a simple way, is FAR from simple. A million emotions and disappointment and hurt are all wrapped up in it. That’s what I mean when I say it’s in you…you are responsible for taking care of your hurt and disappointment because those are YOUR emotions. If you want to meet him where he is at and move forward from this very moment, then forgiving him is important. Finding peace inside of yourself is important. Accepting him for who he is, is important. It doesn’t mean you don’t get to have your needs met. It just means that you change your needs for awhile and create a new set of plans with him that feels good to both of you. At least for now. The counseling will help reveal more information for both of you as you go along. It’s just going to take some time and some healing, on your poor heart. It’s taken a beating and needs some repair. So let the therapist guide you through this rough patch and see where you both end up.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
HI Dana!
I LOOOVE how honest you are! It’s so refreshing to work with someone who is not pretending and is willing to just say how they feel. You are quite strong!
Happy birthday by the way! I’m so glad it was a wonderful day for you!
As far as what to do, it’s really up to you. If you want to be done with him, then don’t respond and just let it be. If you DO want to keep connecting, then you just simply say, “Thank you so much! I had such a great day. Is life treating you well these days?” and just leave it at that.
I know he hurt you again. It’s important for you to keep getting hurt so you can be reminded of who he is. But if you want to reconnect and keep pulling him back into your life, you get to do that.
Your hurt feelings are yours and not to take out on him. First, you don’t have the relationship anymore to confront him. It won’t get you anywhere and most likely would just cause MORE hurt because he won’t care or respond in a way that would make you feel better.
I know it’s hurting all over again, which just shows you how much “baggage” you are carrying around inside. You have a lot of anger and hurt that you are carrying around with you for some reason and it’s easily activated. This is such a perfect time for you to really dig in and find out what is going on inside of your wonderful heart….there is a lot there!
Heidi
