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Leyla!
This is great news! I’m so happy to hear that he is responding to you and has asked to see you! Where are you meeting him and what are you guys doing?? Do you think it is a date or does it feel more casual and you are just meeting to catch up??
This is exciting!!
Heidi
Totally agree! You are EXACTLY where you need to be right now. Your formula is working for you, so you have found your sweet spot!
You would be so fun to have coffee with!!!
Heidi
Hi Fuzzy,
I find your perspective really interesting! You are a different set of eyes and background and see all of this in a very different way than how Kanya and I see it. There is no right or wrong to any of it, but I always appreciate someone else’s eyes.
BOTH Kanya and I would agree with you 100%. NOTHING is black and white…guiding people towards their inner wisdom is ALWAYS our goal and intent. There is no specific way to make that happen for any one person. Each person is so different and that is where we both have to maneuver all the differences that show up on a daily basis, with the VERY LIMITED information we receive. I remember when I first started working here. I had such a difficult time trying to offer guidance without ever knowing or seeing the person and knowing that I was only being given 1 side of the situation. How the heck could I offer any good advice with just a few paragraphs of information??? It’s been an interesting adventure for me….and I will completely admit to having coming across judgmental sometimes, because I was judging. We all have judgments, on a daily basis, about how we think situations should go and how people should behave. You are judging me and Kanya. You feel we should be handling this differently, which is absolutely your right to feel that way! And I will take your perspective into consideration. I find, even in criticism, if I don’t fully understand or even agree with what is being said, there is ALWAYS truth to be found in it, so thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
Is there anything else we can help you with? Usually people come onto the forum because they would like guidance with something.
Heidi
Hi Kanika,
Give it some time. Arranged marriages are incredibly scary for both people. How old are both of you? Is marriage still in the plans? I’m not sure I understand accurately. I thought and agreement for an arranged marriage, a date would be set and wedding plans start to move forward…but it sounds like that is not the case for you guys. Can you explain a little further? Does he have a choice NOT to marry you?
Again…have some patience. You both are still getting to know each other quite a bit. I have no doubt he is incredibly nervous. A part of him probably isn’t sure he is fit or ready to be a husband quite yet. He is in the USA where arranged marriages is not a common thing or part of the culture, whereas it’s much more normal in India. He is surrounded by people with a very different view about life compared to you. Are there plans for him to move back to India or you move there?
I think most of all, just supporting him and giving him space will be helpful. Have you asked him how he is feeling? Have you asked him why he has started to doubt things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Coaches are great! they are much more present / future based. A therapist would be the type of person you would want to work with when / if you feel like dissecting your walls a bit more. A therapist goes much deeper than a coach. I understand it didn’t work for you last, but there are MANY different forms of therapy and each practitioner has a different skillset. It took me a good year and trying out over 6 different therapists until I landed on the one that had the skillset I was looking for and the one that inspired the healing and growth in me that I was needing. So don’t give up on the that idea. Just be open in the back of your mind. Right now, you sound like you are in such an incredible place. What you are doing and choosing in your life is working for you right now and I LOVE THAT!!! I agree with Kanya! You are a warrior Goddess!!!!
Heidi
Okay great! Yes…that’s him continuing the conversation.
So you respond with something like, “I figured…it’s like that in any industry. That’s why you are so helpful, because I wouldn’t know the difference. Is there any website or person on youtube you suggest I start following? I do have a lot to learn, but I’m really excited about it.”
Then…he will most likely reply and see where it goes from there. I’m thinking a good next question might be something along the lines of “I’m curious….what got you into lifting weights in the first place?” That’s a good way to keep the conversation going…but play it by ear and make sure he is staying engaged.
Heidi
Hello!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know how hard it is to love someone so much and not have it work out.
Would you mind sharing more details?
1. Why wasn’t he feeling like a man? What happened in the last few years that made him feel this way?
2. Did he give reasons for wanting a divorce? Getting this new job is not the reason. It may appear to be the reason, but there is something much deeper going on for him. Have you talked about it on a deeper level with each other?
3. Did you feel happy with your marriage? I know you love him, but it doesn’t mean the relationship was nourishing and wonderful. How do YOU feel about the relationship and how it functioned?Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
You are doing sooooo well!!!! Well done!!
You are pretty normal with having the thought patterns that something bad is going to happen. Many people think this way. Each person has their own reasons and story around that, so why you think that way would be something you want to explore. Have you always thought this way? Can you relate it to experiences in your past? What I find very ironic is that people wait for bad things to happen when things are good, but their thoughts sure don’t wait for good things to happen when they are bad….lol
One of the BEST ways to calm it down is to acknowledge it and be in relationship with those thoughts. Those thoughts are a clue to what is happening deeper for you. So when you have a thought like that, stop and really connect into it. Have a conversation with yourself asking, where is this coming from? What are you here to teach me? And for a quick fix, acknowledge they exist and then provide truth / comfort. So when you have that thought ADD in this thought right after….”I hear you. It’s okay. No matter what shows up in my life, I am resilient and I will be okay. It’s okay to be happy and rest in this peace right now.” or something to that affect.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You crack me up! Yes…they found that after 7 years, the oxytocin stops producing. The theory is that the bonding chemicals get released each time for 7 years to give a couple a long enough time to fall in love and then pro-create. After 7 years, the bonding is deeper and the chemicals are “not needed.” Its the same hormone release in a mother and baby at the moment when the baby is put onto the mother’s chest right after being born. It’s so fascinating!!!
It gets us ladies in trouble though….lol. We do end up bonding with each guy we have sex with whether we like it or not or want to or not. That’s the main reason why women tend to get much more emotionally attached when sex is involved compared to men.
Yes…I will validate that you have some walls. We actually all have them. Walls are good though….to a certain extent. They are there to protect our heart and that is important as go through life. Not everyone is safe and deserves access to our heart right?
The key is, to have walls that are more healthy walls vs. full of fear and past hurts. A healthy wall is full of caution and wisdom. An unhealthy wall is full of fear, hurt, past traumas, stories and beliefs that are full of lies and a ton of low self esteem. Do you understand the difference?
Lastly, you don’t need him to teach you about your walls. I’m just going to say something very blunt here….you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men / situations because you don’t love, respect and honor your heart enough to protect it with healthy walls. Even stepping into this current situation and allowing yourself to be used as a “friends with benefits” girl, is not valuing your heart very well. That being said….it’s totally okay too! I can’t tell you how many times I have very consciously chosen the same type of situations. It wasn’t until I got a lot older and went into some seriously deep dives into my self esteem, that I actually realized how much of what I created in my life and the types of dating situations I created for myself were so damaging to my self worth. I finally connected to how much hurt I was causing myself, even though most of the time I got over things pretty quickly and didn’t feel much impact.
So if you REALLY want to get to know your own walls and what is in them, then it would have nothing to do with anyone outside of yourself. It would require you to maybe work with someone who would be able to help you navigate the process, because you will need help with it. OR…..you may never feel inspired to go that deep and still enjoy your life enough! Everyone is so different when it comes to this particular topic. I personally am a deep diver…it’s in my blood and therefore have developed an incredible amount of knowledge, have done a lot of healing and now have skillsets to help others do the same….other people don’t need or desire to go as deep and there is nothing wrong with that. We all are just different!
So please don’t take what I am saying as if you should not experience this situation. I absolutely support you 100%. Every single situation in your life has lessons for you and you are someone willing to look at those lessons. All I am saying is you will navigate all situations much better when you are totally and completely honest with yourself. Like I said, I have walked into situations that I KNEW I would get hurt and did it anyways. Then I would get honest with myself by figuring out why I was making that choice and I would walk forward with awareness about myself…awareness I wasn’t valuing myself the very best I could, aware I was filling a hole through the guy, aware that I was choosing a guy because they were choosing me, aware that many times, I had enough self sabotage and pain in my walls to keep me in my story about men. AND….each time I learned.
So have at it! I hope this was all okay to say. I you know I am not judging you. I completely trust and honor your process and both Kanya and I will always be here as long as you want us to be. We love working with you!
Heidi
OH Kim,
I am so so sorry! This is horrible. It’s shocking. He is doing a very unkind thing by not being honest about how he is feeling. YUK! This is a guy you want to run as far away from as you can! He is being very unkind and a complete chicken.
Listen….reality is, you may never understand. It’s important for you to first of all, get grounded in the reality that the way he is handling this….you are finding out sooner than later that he is NOT the kind of man you want holding your heart.
This is not your fault. This is not about you. This is about him not having the strength to be honest. He has some serious issues to take a woman on a ride like that. A guy who does something like this has very little respect for women and woman’s heart.
I know it hurts, of course! Let go of trying to understand “why” because he is not an honest person anyways. Instead…keep saying to yourself, “It doesn’t matter why. The fact that it’s happening this way, tells me he doesn’t have the ability to care for my heart in the way I deserve. I’m glad I found this out now.”
You are being rescued Kim. You are being saved from even more huge disasters. Love yourself through this. There is nothing you could have done or said. This is about his issues.
Do you have some family and friends that you can rely on for some fun? For some comfort? For some distraction as you heal from this?
Heidi
Hi Hillman!
What a wise and strong soul you are! You SHOULD be proud of yourself for not turning bitter and taking a risk. SOoooooo many people are not willing to do that and they shut themselves off. You are resilient and because of that, it allows you to risk again. DONT EVER LOSE THAT WONDERFUL SPIRIT OF YOURS!!!
This is far from your fault. Funny enough, the living with a girl was not a red flag for me, but the “I don’t believe in that stuff” when you talked about your love language, is a HUGE red flag! I would have immediately known it was not going to work out because of the simple fact that he is not interested in learning and growing about relationships, nor within himself. Instead of saying “I don’t believe in that stuff” about something he knows NOTHING about, he needed to instead be curious about it. The fact that he just shut it down is a sign to run the other way, because he DOES NOT have the interest, curiosity, skillset, nor desire to know himself, you or love for that matter. He is not built to fight for relationship the way you are. Even if he didn’t bail at this point, you would have soon discovered that he doesn’t match your spirit. You are too deep for him….or should I say it the other way around….he is not deep enough for you!
You did nothing wrong…and neither did he. It’s just not a good match…that’s all. He may have needed space because of your reaction, but reality is, this was an inevitable breakup anyways. Like you said, you BOTH made mistakes and that’s okay! He wasn’t willing to work through them and you were…that just makes you both different in how you approach relationships and love…it’s really that simple. As simple as it is, it hurts and there is no way around that. It’s time to move on. You deserve a guy who has your spirit of fighting for life…a guy who takes responsibility for his actions like you do, a guy who is resilient, a guy who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worth fighting for, a guy who is curious about life, love and understanding himself. It’s time to clean the slate and like you said, re-connect to yourself. Find your self love and value again, take care of your mom and spend some time recovering and regenerating.
I am so sorry this has not turned out how your beautiful heart wanted it to. It’s hard! I understand!
Heidi
Oh good!! This is a good topic then!
So end with saying something like, “Thank you so much! You have been really helpful. I’m going to go to the gym this week and try it all out and get a feel for it. Thank goodness for your help! I don’t know how people navigate the gym world. There is soooo much information out there that it gets so confusing.”
Ending it with something like that (a thought or opinion), allows for the conversation to maybe continue if he wants it to, yet doesn’t bombard him with further questions. In another week, you can maybe message him again with a few more questions, but let’s play it by ear.
How do you feel about this?
Heidi
How in the world do you NOT get attached?? He is attentive, he is fun, he is asking a lot of questions about you (which feels soooo amazing, especially considering your more recent experiences). You are being paid attention to in a way that you have been craving. Any woman would effortlessly respond to that type of attention….right?
You are one of the smart ones and keep in touch with us and maybe other people, to make sure you are seeing all perspectives and keeping yourself grounded in the reality of a situation. I always tell people that those amazing bonding chemicals (I know…only 7 years!!!! lol) are so freakin powerful that it’s crucial you have OTHER eyes on you and the situation so you have help navigating and protecting the most precious part of you….your heart.
When I refer to emotionally unavailable men, it means any guy who isn’t able to be emotionally intimate with you, authentic and able to connect on deeper levels and match you. Anyone who is a narcissist or has those strong tendencies is emotionally unavailable. Commitment is just commitment…it tells you nothing about the emotional intelligence or availability of a person.
This guy isn’t willing to commit or head down that road, yet he is more emotionally available than the past few guys you have entertained. I can see why you are drawn to him.
I agree with Kanya….take a step back. He is viewing you as friends with benefits at this point AND he is quite engaging with you…it’s important to remember that behind all of his actions is a guy who also said “I don’t want to hurt you, I am not ready for a relationship.”
Heidi
Hi Amber!
It sounds like the first place to start would be learning how to handle your emotional reactions in a more healthy way. When you take your feelings out on him, it will slowly wear away at his self esteem and slowly cause his spirit to shut down. Your emotions are YOURS to take care of, not his. Even if he did something to cause a reaction in you, they are still YOUR emotions that most likely are being triggered from past events in your life.
Are you willing to learn how to better handle your emotional health? Are you interested in learning how to better communicate? Are you willing to face yourself and take responsibility for how you are feeling instead of blaming him every time?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thanks for being here and sharing your questions with us.
Help me understand what exactly you want with him. I am not clear as to whether or not you want to date him or just help him be more comfortable being friends again.
Can you share a little more detail about him and his divorce? Is his divorce finalized? Have him and his ex been separated awhile? Do you know if it was a nasty divorce or something amicable?
Freshly divorced people (especially coming out of a difficult breakup) usually have a TON of fear and caution. It sounds like he might need some time to figure his life out. It makes sense that he really needs to have his friends right now and not wanting to take any risk in messing that up, which is what dating you means….it’s a bigger risk than normal being that you have mutual friends.
I would help him feel more comfortable being friends with you for awhile and just keep getting to know each other through group events and common friends and NOT go out privately….at least for now. At some point, after getting to know each other better and after he has adjusted to being a divorced man….he may feel you are worth the risk.Thoughts?
Heidi
