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Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
Hi Kanika!
Okay…this makes a little more sense. If he is feeling really guilty, that will definitely get in the way. It sounds like he really enjoys you, but his guilt is the wall.
When someone holds onto “punishing” themselves (which is what guilt is), it is a HUGE barrier to move forward with someone else. He most likely will be struggling with trusting himself to NOT hurt you. This guilt will be telling him that he is “not enough” and he “messed up” so therefore he will not feel good enough for you, because he feels bad about himself right now.
This is something that will take some time to get through. Is there a possibility of just slowing things down? Can you take the pressure of “marriage” off the table just for right now? It may help him feel like he has some time to work through what he is feeling and then come back to you with a more clear head. In the meantime, staying in touch and talking and building that friendship is so important anyways, maybe just focusing on that will help you through this. The best thing you can do right now is to give him some space and honor what he is feeling. Asking him to want to marry you while he is still feeling guilty about his last relationship is just too much for him. So why not support him. It’s okay for him to feel what he needs to. As a good partner, you are there to help him through whatever is happening and vice versa. This is a good time to practice, right?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I am not sure I understand what your question is. The “magic” text you may be referring to is the hero instinct text. You text saying “I need your help” which activates the hero instinct and then you ask for help with something. It’s a technique that is used to help connection possibly happen again.
Can you share some of your personal situation so we can offer more specific guidance?Heidi
Perfect Leyla!
You handled that so well! Good responses, good compliments, good use of making him feel good about helping you! You are totally getting it! AND…he asked you out and even flirted a bit! This is great!!!
So now, when you meet him, continue to take a back seat and let him lead you with the pace. Help him feel comfortable with you again. Help him feel that deep connection with you again. Be flirty, keep it light and fun….nothing too deep unless he leads you there. At the end, don’t ask when you are going to see him again (if you are tempted). Remember, he has responded to you giving him more space, so keep giving it to him for right now and allow him to go at his pace and chase you a bit.
I’m wondering if he is going to bring up the miscarriage thing. I think it would be smart to be prepared for that, just in case. How do you feel about talking about it with him? Are you clear with what you would say about it?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
OH! I was saying that I agreed with your approach about just using a coaching for right now. It’s working…you are feeling better, happier and designing your life in a way that helping you to enjoy life a lot more.
Yes…Paris is a little far…lolHeidi
Leyla!
This is great news! I’m so happy to hear that he is responding to you and has asked to see you! Where are you meeting him and what are you guys doing?? Do you think it is a date or does it feel more casual and you are just meeting to catch up??
This is exciting!!
Heidi
Totally agree! You are EXACTLY where you need to be right now. Your formula is working for you, so you have found your sweet spot!
You would be so fun to have coffee with!!!
Heidi
Hi Fuzzy,
I find your perspective really interesting! You are a different set of eyes and background and see all of this in a very different way than how Kanya and I see it. There is no right or wrong to any of it, but I always appreciate someone else’s eyes.
BOTH Kanya and I would agree with you 100%. NOTHING is black and white…guiding people towards their inner wisdom is ALWAYS our goal and intent. There is no specific way to make that happen for any one person. Each person is so different and that is where we both have to maneuver all the differences that show up on a daily basis, with the VERY LIMITED information we receive. I remember when I first started working here. I had such a difficult time trying to offer guidance without ever knowing or seeing the person and knowing that I was only being given 1 side of the situation. How the heck could I offer any good advice with just a few paragraphs of information??? It’s been an interesting adventure for me….and I will completely admit to having coming across judgmental sometimes, because I was judging. We all have judgments, on a daily basis, about how we think situations should go and how people should behave. You are judging me and Kanya. You feel we should be handling this differently, which is absolutely your right to feel that way! And I will take your perspective into consideration. I find, even in criticism, if I don’t fully understand or even agree with what is being said, there is ALWAYS truth to be found in it, so thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
Is there anything else we can help you with? Usually people come onto the forum because they would like guidance with something.
Heidi
Hi Kanika,
Give it some time. Arranged marriages are incredibly scary for both people. How old are both of you? Is marriage still in the plans? I’m not sure I understand accurately. I thought and agreement for an arranged marriage, a date would be set and wedding plans start to move forward…but it sounds like that is not the case for you guys. Can you explain a little further? Does he have a choice NOT to marry you?
Again…have some patience. You both are still getting to know each other quite a bit. I have no doubt he is incredibly nervous. A part of him probably isn’t sure he is fit or ready to be a husband quite yet. He is in the USA where arranged marriages is not a common thing or part of the culture, whereas it’s much more normal in India. He is surrounded by people with a very different view about life compared to you. Are there plans for him to move back to India or you move there?
I think most of all, just supporting him and giving him space will be helpful. Have you asked him how he is feeling? Have you asked him why he has started to doubt things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Coaches are great! they are much more present / future based. A therapist would be the type of person you would want to work with when / if you feel like dissecting your walls a bit more. A therapist goes much deeper than a coach. I understand it didn’t work for you last, but there are MANY different forms of therapy and each practitioner has a different skillset. It took me a good year and trying out over 6 different therapists until I landed on the one that had the skillset I was looking for and the one that inspired the healing and growth in me that I was needing. So don’t give up on the that idea. Just be open in the back of your mind. Right now, you sound like you are in such an incredible place. What you are doing and choosing in your life is working for you right now and I LOVE THAT!!! I agree with Kanya! You are a warrior Goddess!!!!
Heidi
Okay great! Yes…that’s him continuing the conversation.
So you respond with something like, “I figured…it’s like that in any industry. That’s why you are so helpful, because I wouldn’t know the difference. Is there any website or person on youtube you suggest I start following? I do have a lot to learn, but I’m really excited about it.”
Then…he will most likely reply and see where it goes from there. I’m thinking a good next question might be something along the lines of “I’m curious….what got you into lifting weights in the first place?” That’s a good way to keep the conversation going…but play it by ear and make sure he is staying engaged.
Heidi
Hello!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know how hard it is to love someone so much and not have it work out.
Would you mind sharing more details?
1. Why wasn’t he feeling like a man? What happened in the last few years that made him feel this way?
2. Did he give reasons for wanting a divorce? Getting this new job is not the reason. It may appear to be the reason, but there is something much deeper going on for him. Have you talked about it on a deeper level with each other?
3. Did you feel happy with your marriage? I know you love him, but it doesn’t mean the relationship was nourishing and wonderful. How do YOU feel about the relationship and how it functioned?Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Jeannie,
You are doing sooooo well!!!! Well done!!
You are pretty normal with having the thought patterns that something bad is going to happen. Many people think this way. Each person has their own reasons and story around that, so why you think that way would be something you want to explore. Have you always thought this way? Can you relate it to experiences in your past? What I find very ironic is that people wait for bad things to happen when things are good, but their thoughts sure don’t wait for good things to happen when they are bad….lol
One of the BEST ways to calm it down is to acknowledge it and be in relationship with those thoughts. Those thoughts are a clue to what is happening deeper for you. So when you have a thought like that, stop and really connect into it. Have a conversation with yourself asking, where is this coming from? What are you here to teach me? And for a quick fix, acknowledge they exist and then provide truth / comfort. So when you have that thought ADD in this thought right after….”I hear you. It’s okay. No matter what shows up in my life, I am resilient and I will be okay. It’s okay to be happy and rest in this peace right now.” or something to that affect.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You crack me up! Yes…they found that after 7 years, the oxytocin stops producing. The theory is that the bonding chemicals get released each time for 7 years to give a couple a long enough time to fall in love and then pro-create. After 7 years, the bonding is deeper and the chemicals are “not needed.” Its the same hormone release in a mother and baby at the moment when the baby is put onto the mother’s chest right after being born. It’s so fascinating!!!
It gets us ladies in trouble though….lol. We do end up bonding with each guy we have sex with whether we like it or not or want to or not. That’s the main reason why women tend to get much more emotionally attached when sex is involved compared to men.
Yes…I will validate that you have some walls. We actually all have them. Walls are good though….to a certain extent. They are there to protect our heart and that is important as go through life. Not everyone is safe and deserves access to our heart right?
The key is, to have walls that are more healthy walls vs. full of fear and past hurts. A healthy wall is full of caution and wisdom. An unhealthy wall is full of fear, hurt, past traumas, stories and beliefs that are full of lies and a ton of low self esteem. Do you understand the difference?
Lastly, you don’t need him to teach you about your walls. I’m just going to say something very blunt here….you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men / situations because you don’t love, respect and honor your heart enough to protect it with healthy walls. Even stepping into this current situation and allowing yourself to be used as a “friends with benefits” girl, is not valuing your heart very well. That being said….it’s totally okay too! I can’t tell you how many times I have very consciously chosen the same type of situations. It wasn’t until I got a lot older and went into some seriously deep dives into my self esteem, that I actually realized how much of what I created in my life and the types of dating situations I created for myself were so damaging to my self worth. I finally connected to how much hurt I was causing myself, even though most of the time I got over things pretty quickly and didn’t feel much impact.
So if you REALLY want to get to know your own walls and what is in them, then it would have nothing to do with anyone outside of yourself. It would require you to maybe work with someone who would be able to help you navigate the process, because you will need help with it. OR…..you may never feel inspired to go that deep and still enjoy your life enough! Everyone is so different when it comes to this particular topic. I personally am a deep diver…it’s in my blood and therefore have developed an incredible amount of knowledge, have done a lot of healing and now have skillsets to help others do the same….other people don’t need or desire to go as deep and there is nothing wrong with that. We all are just different!
So please don’t take what I am saying as if you should not experience this situation. I absolutely support you 100%. Every single situation in your life has lessons for you and you are someone willing to look at those lessons. All I am saying is you will navigate all situations much better when you are totally and completely honest with yourself. Like I said, I have walked into situations that I KNEW I would get hurt and did it anyways. Then I would get honest with myself by figuring out why I was making that choice and I would walk forward with awareness about myself…awareness I wasn’t valuing myself the very best I could, aware I was filling a hole through the guy, aware that I was choosing a guy because they were choosing me, aware that many times, I had enough self sabotage and pain in my walls to keep me in my story about men. AND….each time I learned.
So have at it! I hope this was all okay to say. I you know I am not judging you. I completely trust and honor your process and both Kanya and I will always be here as long as you want us to be. We love working with you!
Heidi
OH Kim,
I am so so sorry! This is horrible. It’s shocking. He is doing a very unkind thing by not being honest about how he is feeling. YUK! This is a guy you want to run as far away from as you can! He is being very unkind and a complete chicken.
Listen….reality is, you may never understand. It’s important for you to first of all, get grounded in the reality that the way he is handling this….you are finding out sooner than later that he is NOT the kind of man you want holding your heart.
This is not your fault. This is not about you. This is about him not having the strength to be honest. He has some serious issues to take a woman on a ride like that. A guy who does something like this has very little respect for women and woman’s heart.
I know it hurts, of course! Let go of trying to understand “why” because he is not an honest person anyways. Instead…keep saying to yourself, “It doesn’t matter why. The fact that it’s happening this way, tells me he doesn’t have the ability to care for my heart in the way I deserve. I’m glad I found this out now.”
You are being rescued Kim. You are being saved from even more huge disasters. Love yourself through this. There is nothing you could have done or said. This is about his issues.
Do you have some family and friends that you can rely on for some fun? For some comfort? For some distraction as you heal from this?
Heidi
