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Hi Leyla,
It sounds like you are moving into a place of acceptance with this. I’m so sorry about your family emergency! Hopefully everything is okay! Did he even ask about it later or check in on you and make sure everything was okay??
I’m glad you felt some reprieve from telling him the truth about the miscarriage. I know how important that can be. You really have tried to do what you can, but like Kanya said….he needs to make some effort. You deserve to feel like you are wanted and sought after, so I think it’s a good idea to let go of the idea of him. He isn’t valuing you the way you need and that’s okay.
Tell me more about this friend of your that is moving to the area???
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
It’s not really weird that he is connective and then not. That is typical of a guy who isn’t emotionally available…especially if they have feelings for a gal. He is split. He likes you and is attracted to you, but also not ready for a relationship. So he will connect and enjoy and then the part that isn’t ready for anything, will step in and “cool” him down and keep reminding him how he isn’t ready. Or….maybe this is how he is anyways….I don’t know. I do know enough to know that guys who are emotionally unavailable tend to show up and connect really well, then not. I’m not surprised. The more he gets to know you, the more he may pull away, because he is trying not to get hooked.
It sounds like you are taking it in stride though.
Your job sounds really interesting and really hard. I used to have to write grant requests as part of a job I had once…I hated it! Paperwork is sooooo not my thing! Do you like what you do? How did you end up in that job??
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Can you share a little more information? How have you guys been communicating? Is there flirting? Is there an energy between you guys or does it seem very friend – like?
How long were you together? What caused you guys to break up? How long were you broken up?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story. This is a tough situation. The main red flag here is that he is still going through a bad divorce. It’s important to stay away from people in that situation. There are A LOT of emotions to work through, which means they are not really emotionally available. He is making a good decision by being honest with you and saying he isn’t ready. I know you have feelings for him, but I think in this situation, listening to him and honoring what he needs right now (which is to not date or be in a relationship) is important. Give him some time. Let go of the idea of him as a partner and decide that friendship would be a good thing. The best relationship are built on friendship….maybe down the road something could happen.
Either way….he is not available which means your heart would eventually be broken if you kept trying to pull him into a situation he is not ready for….
Thoughts?
Heidi
How is everything going?? Any date set up yet? What do you do for work btw?
I keep waiting for updates from you, because you have such good stuff going on!
Heidi
Hello!
Thanks for more information. Can you think of anything that may have happened to make him disconnect? Something you said? Something he said? Did you actually meet this guy in person? You said there was a lot of phone calls, so I’m wondering how many dates you have actually been on with him. How did you meet him?
I want to slow you down quite a bit. Using the word “love” is pretty intense. What makes you feel this way after just knowing him a short time. And he seems to not have any interest anymore. You barely know him. I’m wondering if he is playing some sort of game. Did he ever tell you how he feels about you?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It hurts! What are you doing to take care of yourself right now? I would hate for you to lose your valuable time and energy while waiting for his phone call. Do you have friends that can help you through this? Are you finding ways to help you get through this?
Heidi
Hi Shay,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. It’s incredibly difficult and pretty horrible to have someone break up over a mistake you made…something that you were willing to work on. I’m wondering if he was just trying to find an out somehow. He is having a pretty extreme reaction, so he either has been wanting to break up or he is someone who is very unforgiving and wants to blame everyone else for his own pain. Either way, from what you are saying he has said to you, he is definitely interested in punishing you. It doesn’t matter how great the relationship was or how much you love him…he is also being unkind. Relationships that last are ones where people are able to forgive and work through problems TOGETHER. When someone is punishing or getting revenge somehow, it is abusive. The foundation of your relationship is broken and will never sustain long term….at least in a nourishing way. You can choose to stay in a relationship with a guy who is unforgiving and wishes to punish you for your mistakes…you won’t be happy though. He is setting you up to never feel okay being yourself and making mistakes. You will eventually end up walking on eggshells with him if this is how he responds when he gets hurt.
I know you love him. I know your world feels empty without him. Time will heal all of that and you will learn from this experience. If you are interested in getting him back, keep staying away from him. In a few weeks, you can text him that you need some help with something. We can figure that out once time has passed. Your focus for the next few weeks is to take care of yourself and your children. Find some fun things to go do. Find ways to laugh….even if it’s just for a few moments. Keep yourself busy and occupied. Maybe spend the next few weeks really making sure this is the kind of experience you want to have. When we are in so much pain, getting them back is more about relieving that pain. We don’t think very clearly. Both Kanya and I, who have studied and coached people through relationships for years, are both telling you….this relationship is broken, despite how much you love. Unfortunately, love is not enough. So maybe spend the next few weeks learning about relationships. What does a healthy relationship look like? What does good communication / healthy arguing look like? What qualities need to exist in a relationship in order for it to last? Then you can compare to what you and him are going through. Learn some new skills and figure out how to be a more effective and supportive partner. You both have a lot of learning to do. Whether he will take that path or not, doesn’t matter. You can begin on your own path and maybe even apply some of what you learn with him. Here is a good website to start to look at: http://www.gottman.com There is a TON of free information and tips about understanding relationships.
Heidi
Hi Jane,
We are so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You really have been through an INCREDIBLE amount! I am soooo so sorry!
What is the current status of the cancer? Are you in remission? Did you have a mastectomy?
You both have been through an incredible amount. It sounds like you haven’t really processed through everything that has happened with yourself and with him. It sounds like you are very reactive and instantly triggered. That just means there is A LOT of built up emotions you are carrying around and the slightest little thing can activate those emotions…and of course he is part of the target.
It sounds like you guys have a good connection and enjoy each other. You have been through sooooo much and it’s an even that changes you and of course him as well. He chose to cheat instead of dealing with his emotions. He will have a TON of emotions around all of it as well. Have either of you thought about getting a therapist or working with a coach on your own?
I’m wondering if he is the kind of guy that just runs away vs. really facing what he is feeling. Is that a common pattern you noticed about him over the years?
I know you want him back. The thing is, your relationship needs to function differently for that to even be a possibility. Your insecurities need to be dealt with, his feelings about his struggles need to be dealt with. You both probably could learn how to communicate better. Have you looked at the “Relationship Rewrite Method” yet?
Heidi
Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
Hi Kanika!
Okay…this makes a little more sense. If he is feeling really guilty, that will definitely get in the way. It sounds like he really enjoys you, but his guilt is the wall.
When someone holds onto “punishing” themselves (which is what guilt is), it is a HUGE barrier to move forward with someone else. He most likely will be struggling with trusting himself to NOT hurt you. This guilt will be telling him that he is “not enough” and he “messed up” so therefore he will not feel good enough for you, because he feels bad about himself right now.
This is something that will take some time to get through. Is there a possibility of just slowing things down? Can you take the pressure of “marriage” off the table just for right now? It may help him feel like he has some time to work through what he is feeling and then come back to you with a more clear head. In the meantime, staying in touch and talking and building that friendship is so important anyways, maybe just focusing on that will help you through this. The best thing you can do right now is to give him some space and honor what he is feeling. Asking him to want to marry you while he is still feeling guilty about his last relationship is just too much for him. So why not support him. It’s okay for him to feel what he needs to. As a good partner, you are there to help him through whatever is happening and vice versa. This is a good time to practice, right?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I am not sure I understand what your question is. The “magic” text you may be referring to is the hero instinct text. You text saying “I need your help” which activates the hero instinct and then you ask for help with something. It’s a technique that is used to help connection possibly happen again.
Can you share some of your personal situation so we can offer more specific guidance?Heidi
Perfect Leyla!
You handled that so well! Good responses, good compliments, good use of making him feel good about helping you! You are totally getting it! AND…he asked you out and even flirted a bit! This is great!!!
So now, when you meet him, continue to take a back seat and let him lead you with the pace. Help him feel comfortable with you again. Help him feel that deep connection with you again. Be flirty, keep it light and fun….nothing too deep unless he leads you there. At the end, don’t ask when you are going to see him again (if you are tempted). Remember, he has responded to you giving him more space, so keep giving it to him for right now and allow him to go at his pace and chase you a bit.
I’m wondering if he is going to bring up the miscarriage thing. I think it would be smart to be prepared for that, just in case. How do you feel about talking about it with him? Are you clear with what you would say about it?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
