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Hi Jeannie,
You are doing sooooo well!!!! Well done!!
You are pretty normal with having the thought patterns that something bad is going to happen. Many people think this way. Each person has their own reasons and story around that, so why you think that way would be something you want to explore. Have you always thought this way? Can you relate it to experiences in your past? What I find very ironic is that people wait for bad things to happen when things are good, but their thoughts sure don’t wait for good things to happen when they are bad….lol
One of the BEST ways to calm it down is to acknowledge it and be in relationship with those thoughts. Those thoughts are a clue to what is happening deeper for you. So when you have a thought like that, stop and really connect into it. Have a conversation with yourself asking, where is this coming from? What are you here to teach me? And for a quick fix, acknowledge they exist and then provide truth / comfort. So when you have that thought ADD in this thought right after….”I hear you. It’s okay. No matter what shows up in my life, I am resilient and I will be okay. It’s okay to be happy and rest in this peace right now.” or something to that affect.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You crack me up! Yes…they found that after 7 years, the oxytocin stops producing. The theory is that the bonding chemicals get released each time for 7 years to give a couple a long enough time to fall in love and then pro-create. After 7 years, the bonding is deeper and the chemicals are “not needed.” Its the same hormone release in a mother and baby at the moment when the baby is put onto the mother’s chest right after being born. It’s so fascinating!!!
It gets us ladies in trouble though….lol. We do end up bonding with each guy we have sex with whether we like it or not or want to or not. That’s the main reason why women tend to get much more emotionally attached when sex is involved compared to men.
Yes…I will validate that you have some walls. We actually all have them. Walls are good though….to a certain extent. They are there to protect our heart and that is important as go through life. Not everyone is safe and deserves access to our heart right?
The key is, to have walls that are more healthy walls vs. full of fear and past hurts. A healthy wall is full of caution and wisdom. An unhealthy wall is full of fear, hurt, past traumas, stories and beliefs that are full of lies and a ton of low self esteem. Do you understand the difference?
Lastly, you don’t need him to teach you about your walls. I’m just going to say something very blunt here….you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men / situations because you don’t love, respect and honor your heart enough to protect it with healthy walls. Even stepping into this current situation and allowing yourself to be used as a “friends with benefits” girl, is not valuing your heart very well. That being said….it’s totally okay too! I can’t tell you how many times I have very consciously chosen the same type of situations. It wasn’t until I got a lot older and went into some seriously deep dives into my self esteem, that I actually realized how much of what I created in my life and the types of dating situations I created for myself were so damaging to my self worth. I finally connected to how much hurt I was causing myself, even though most of the time I got over things pretty quickly and didn’t feel much impact.
So if you REALLY want to get to know your own walls and what is in them, then it would have nothing to do with anyone outside of yourself. It would require you to maybe work with someone who would be able to help you navigate the process, because you will need help with it. OR…..you may never feel inspired to go that deep and still enjoy your life enough! Everyone is so different when it comes to this particular topic. I personally am a deep diver…it’s in my blood and therefore have developed an incredible amount of knowledge, have done a lot of healing and now have skillsets to help others do the same….other people don’t need or desire to go as deep and there is nothing wrong with that. We all are just different!
So please don’t take what I am saying as if you should not experience this situation. I absolutely support you 100%. Every single situation in your life has lessons for you and you are someone willing to look at those lessons. All I am saying is you will navigate all situations much better when you are totally and completely honest with yourself. Like I said, I have walked into situations that I KNEW I would get hurt and did it anyways. Then I would get honest with myself by figuring out why I was making that choice and I would walk forward with awareness about myself…awareness I wasn’t valuing myself the very best I could, aware I was filling a hole through the guy, aware that I was choosing a guy because they were choosing me, aware that many times, I had enough self sabotage and pain in my walls to keep me in my story about men. AND….each time I learned.
So have at it! I hope this was all okay to say. I you know I am not judging you. I completely trust and honor your process and both Kanya and I will always be here as long as you want us to be. We love working with you!
Heidi
OH Kim,
I am so so sorry! This is horrible. It’s shocking. He is doing a very unkind thing by not being honest about how he is feeling. YUK! This is a guy you want to run as far away from as you can! He is being very unkind and a complete chicken.
Listen….reality is, you may never understand. It’s important for you to first of all, get grounded in the reality that the way he is handling this….you are finding out sooner than later that he is NOT the kind of man you want holding your heart.
This is not your fault. This is not about you. This is about him not having the strength to be honest. He has some serious issues to take a woman on a ride like that. A guy who does something like this has very little respect for women and woman’s heart.
I know it hurts, of course! Let go of trying to understand “why” because he is not an honest person anyways. Instead…keep saying to yourself, “It doesn’t matter why. The fact that it’s happening this way, tells me he doesn’t have the ability to care for my heart in the way I deserve. I’m glad I found this out now.”
You are being rescued Kim. You are being saved from even more huge disasters. Love yourself through this. There is nothing you could have done or said. This is about his issues.
Do you have some family and friends that you can rely on for some fun? For some comfort? For some distraction as you heal from this?
Heidi
Hi Hillman!
What a wise and strong soul you are! You SHOULD be proud of yourself for not turning bitter and taking a risk. SOoooooo many people are not willing to do that and they shut themselves off. You are resilient and because of that, it allows you to risk again. DONT EVER LOSE THAT WONDERFUL SPIRIT OF YOURS!!!
This is far from your fault. Funny enough, the living with a girl was not a red flag for me, but the “I don’t believe in that stuff” when you talked about your love language, is a HUGE red flag! I would have immediately known it was not going to work out because of the simple fact that he is not interested in learning and growing about relationships, nor within himself. Instead of saying “I don’t believe in that stuff” about something he knows NOTHING about, he needed to instead be curious about it. The fact that he just shut it down is a sign to run the other way, because he DOES NOT have the interest, curiosity, skillset, nor desire to know himself, you or love for that matter. He is not built to fight for relationship the way you are. Even if he didn’t bail at this point, you would have soon discovered that he doesn’t match your spirit. You are too deep for him….or should I say it the other way around….he is not deep enough for you!
You did nothing wrong…and neither did he. It’s just not a good match…that’s all. He may have needed space because of your reaction, but reality is, this was an inevitable breakup anyways. Like you said, you BOTH made mistakes and that’s okay! He wasn’t willing to work through them and you were…that just makes you both different in how you approach relationships and love…it’s really that simple. As simple as it is, it hurts and there is no way around that. It’s time to move on. You deserve a guy who has your spirit of fighting for life…a guy who takes responsibility for his actions like you do, a guy who is resilient, a guy who knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worth fighting for, a guy who is curious about life, love and understanding himself. It’s time to clean the slate and like you said, re-connect to yourself. Find your self love and value again, take care of your mom and spend some time recovering and regenerating.
I am so sorry this has not turned out how your beautiful heart wanted it to. It’s hard! I understand!
Heidi
Oh good!! This is a good topic then!
So end with saying something like, “Thank you so much! You have been really helpful. I’m going to go to the gym this week and try it all out and get a feel for it. Thank goodness for your help! I don’t know how people navigate the gym world. There is soooo much information out there that it gets so confusing.”
Ending it with something like that (a thought or opinion), allows for the conversation to maybe continue if he wants it to, yet doesn’t bombard him with further questions. In another week, you can maybe message him again with a few more questions, but let’s play it by ear.
How do you feel about this?
Heidi
How in the world do you NOT get attached?? He is attentive, he is fun, he is asking a lot of questions about you (which feels soooo amazing, especially considering your more recent experiences). You are being paid attention to in a way that you have been craving. Any woman would effortlessly respond to that type of attention….right?
You are one of the smart ones and keep in touch with us and maybe other people, to make sure you are seeing all perspectives and keeping yourself grounded in the reality of a situation. I always tell people that those amazing bonding chemicals (I know…only 7 years!!!! lol) are so freakin powerful that it’s crucial you have OTHER eyes on you and the situation so you have help navigating and protecting the most precious part of you….your heart.
When I refer to emotionally unavailable men, it means any guy who isn’t able to be emotionally intimate with you, authentic and able to connect on deeper levels and match you. Anyone who is a narcissist or has those strong tendencies is emotionally unavailable. Commitment is just commitment…it tells you nothing about the emotional intelligence or availability of a person.
This guy isn’t willing to commit or head down that road, yet he is more emotionally available than the past few guys you have entertained. I can see why you are drawn to him.
I agree with Kanya….take a step back. He is viewing you as friends with benefits at this point AND he is quite engaging with you…it’s important to remember that behind all of his actions is a guy who also said “I don’t want to hurt you, I am not ready for a relationship.”
Heidi
Hi Amber!
It sounds like the first place to start would be learning how to handle your emotional reactions in a more healthy way. When you take your feelings out on him, it will slowly wear away at his self esteem and slowly cause his spirit to shut down. Your emotions are YOURS to take care of, not his. Even if he did something to cause a reaction in you, they are still YOUR emotions that most likely are being triggered from past events in your life.
Are you willing to learn how to better handle your emotional health? Are you interested in learning how to better communicate? Are you willing to face yourself and take responsibility for how you are feeling instead of blaming him every time?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thanks for being here and sharing your questions with us.
Help me understand what exactly you want with him. I am not clear as to whether or not you want to date him or just help him be more comfortable being friends again.
Can you share a little more detail about him and his divorce? Is his divorce finalized? Have him and his ex been separated awhile? Do you know if it was a nasty divorce or something amicable?
Freshly divorced people (especially coming out of a difficult breakup) usually have a TON of fear and caution. It sounds like he might need some time to figure his life out. It makes sense that he really needs to have his friends right now and not wanting to take any risk in messing that up, which is what dating you means….it’s a bigger risk than normal being that you have mutual friends.
I would help him feel more comfortable being friends with you for awhile and just keep getting to know each other through group events and common friends and NOT go out privately….at least for now. At some point, after getting to know each other better and after he has adjusted to being a divorced man….he may feel you are worth the risk.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amber,
Thank you for being here and sharing your situation with us.
I’m sorry to hear how you guys are struggling so much. Having children and not enough money, can be lethal to a relationship (mostly for the guy). It sounds like he feels like you are never happy. It sounds like you are always wanting more from him. Am I reading this correctly?
It sounds like he is tired of you crying and not appreciating him enough. Would you say that how he is feeling is accurate? Do you see why he feels how he does?
Teach me a little bit about you. What do you do when you get upset? Do you take it out on him, or do you deal with your own emotions? How do you communicate your needs with him? How do you guys argue? Is it a lot of fighting or talking over each other?
Heidi
Hi Hillman,
I see your frustrations. You say a lot of your needs were not being met in the relationship. What needs are you referring to, other than having distance between each other? How did you meet?
I am also wondering if you have been cheated on before. The amount of questions you had and the fact there was an argument about him and that situation seems intense. I personally would not have questioned him (I also have never been cheated on). Most guys take wallets out of their pockets before going to sleep. It’s uncomfortable. You said that he calls you all the time and lets you know when he is going out with his friends, even though you have never asked him to. but in this situation you said he didn’t tell you and that made you feel like he was hiding something. This seems a bit contradictory since you are saying he doesn’t need to call and tell you or ask for your permission. Maybe there are some details you are leaving out about the situation.
He was honest with you and told you what happened correct? It sounds like you didn’t believe him or kept grilling him about it. It would instantly make him feel like you didn’t trust him. For him, he may be feeling like he puts sooooo much effort into seeing you, calling you, connecting with you and then he gets grilled by you. I imagine it was frustrating for him to put in so much work only to be doubted and questioned…after everything he has done. It may make him feel like “With everything I do for her, I get grilled like this. This is way too much work. There is no way I can ever make her feel happy.” I’m just making an educated guess here, so do you think that’s possibly how he was feeling? Did he express any of this during the argument?
Being that he brought up every other argument you guys had, it sounds like he may also be someone who tends to hold grudges. People who bring up the past are not resolved about it. It sounds like he was still holding onto some feelings about whatever was happening. What did he say about your past arguments? It might give a clue as to how he was feeling.
There is never any “right” timing for breaking up. I understand it is not in your character to walk away when someone needs you, but that is not a common trait. It is a wonderful trait to have and at the same time, that trait would get in the way of taking care of yourself sometimes. If he is not happy in the relationship, he should be walking away. You don’t need to be with a guy that causing more stress in your life. You already have so much to deal with, with your mother….to add on top of that a boyfriend whose heart isn’t fully invested…that would be way worse than him staying because of you and what you need and rejecting himself. You don’t want a guy in your life that stays for you even when his heart isn’t in it anymore. I have no doubt he cared a lot for you! He made all kinds of effort to see you and connect with you. It just sounds like the scales tipped and it was time for him to separate. Or maybe he broke up out of being angry in the moment….I don’t know what kind of guy he is and you are still learning about that. He may also be responding to his upcoming deployment. That separation is ALWAYS stressful.
Have you guys been in contact at all since the breakup?
Heidi
Hi Angelica!
I am so so sorry for what you had to witness and go through! It is beyond difficult!!! You’ve never been role modeled what a healthy love looks like or feels like. It’s always been paired with abuse, neglect and a lack of safety….you so desperately want to love and be loved….we all do…the goal is to love ourselves first and not looking for someone else to “make us feel complete.” This is such a simple thing to say, but INCREDIBLY difficult to do, especially coming from an abusive background.
Is seeing a therapist something that is possible for you? Healing those deep wounds is pretty crucial is you are going to attract a healthier relationship. Finding someone who specializes in PTSD is important.
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
You crack me up! Your narcissistic, manipulative pervs are just another version of emotionally unavailable men. There are plenty of them out there right???
He sounds wonderful and the time you are having together sounds really cool. I understand everything you are saying….you explain everything really well!
I just want to help you get VERY real here. I know you FEEL like you are keeping a good perspective about all of this and feel okay about being a “friends with benefits” kind of situation for now. I have been through this many times and seen women go through the same exact thing….your heart slowly gets attached without ever really being aware of it. You are already attached, most likely more than you are consciously aware of….I can tell with how you are explaining things. Reality is, if he were to disappear right this minute, I think you would be surprised at how hurt you would feel. He is a risky choice as he admittedly says he is not ready. I know he says he is working on his walls, but how? What is he DOING to work on his walls and the trauma of being a widow?? You are having sex with him, which means oxytocin is being released into your body (not his) each time, which is a bonding chemical. Us ladies get that dose for the first 7 years we are having sex with a man. Interesting right?
Anyways, I’m not at all saying you should walk away as this is a GREAT experience for you….I’m just saying that you are walking into a situation where the guy is emotionally not available and he has a lot of healing work to do….which means he is a flight risk. My best suggestion is to stop having sex. I know it’s soooo difficult as it’s a wonderful thing….AND….this is your heart you are playing with. Taking things a lot slower sexually is a way to honor both of your hearts by getting to know each other better without the intimacy.
Of course, you guys will do what you are going to do though…lol. It’s all good. I’m rooting for both of you as you can be a good new experience for him and he can give you an experience of what an authentic guy feels like!
Keep us updated!!!
heidi
Hi Hillman,
I am so sorry to hear this. I know how shocking it can be when someone you love completely does a 180. It can take your breath away. Of course you feel abandoned and hurt.
Reality is, anyone is capable of this. I have always been taught by my own Coach, you can really know someone and not. Just the right dose of certain kinds of stress and a stable, predictable person can make decisions that shake everything up. Obviously there is enough stress that it’s triggering him into wanting to head in a different direction. It’s a bummer he is not willing to work through this WITH you.
Let’s talk a little more about what is happening. Do you know why he wants to break up? Did he share his feelings with you? Is there anything he mentioned that made him unhappy in the relationship?
Any details you can offer about how he is feeling, the dynamics of your relationship, how long you have been together etc….it’s all helpful!
Heidi
Hi Angelica,
Of course it’s hard! Separating from someone we have really invested in, is ALWAYS difficult. It’s like what Kanya is saying though…he is sending you all kinds of mixed messages and is NOT clear in his own life. He is A LOT to manage. Of course you keep thinking about the wonderful things and ignoring the difficult things. We all do that after breakups AND there needs to be a part of you that you connect to…that loves yourself enough…that values your heart as if it the most precious thing on this earth….that cares about how you are treated so much so…that you will no longer participate in ANY relationship where someone isn’t honoring you, valuing you, appreciating you and respecting who you are. It has to start with YOU treating yourself that way, before you can expect any guy to treat you that way. He is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you were really connected to your value and self worth and truly believe in the amazingness that you are….there is NO WAY anyone could even pay you a million dollars to allow you to be treated this way!
You keep seeking him to fill a hole inside of you…and that hole needs to be filled by YOU instead. We are all like swiss cheese. We have solid parts and we have holes. The only difference between each person is how many holes we have AND what we do to fill those holes. MANY people seek others, money, fame or whatever to fill those holes (sources outside of us) and it NEVER lasts….if you want to feel better and let him go….YOU have to fill your own holes and not rely on him to make you feel better. Every time you think about how wonderful he is, also remember how NOT wonderful he is. Also remember how he doesn’t value you nor respect you….and then remember you deserve better than that!
Thoughts??
Heidi
So you start with saying, “hey! Hope all is well with you! I need your help with something real quick…” or something to that affect…I don’t suggest just saying “I need your help.” For most guys, that’s fine, but with him being a cop…his mind can instantly go to thinking that something is “wrong” and that is not the kind of feeling you want him to have. You don’t want to trigger his cop instinct…you want to trigger the NORMAL guy that likes to help instinct. So after sending that first text, you wait for him to respond….THEN you ask him for advice about working out.
Let us know how it goes!!!
Heidi
