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Wow! So it was around 8 months before you guys even met in person? Are you guys a long-distance relationship or something? I didn’t have that impression, so I’m a little confused.
Of course you were needy for him after the termination. He shut down and wouldn’t talk about it and that was a REALLY big choice for both of you. But in the aftermath, it was something you guys went through together, which is really sad. So you becoming more “needy” would be your desire to deeply connect with him after making a choice like that – and him not being available for you to process your choices TOGETHER, it would heighten your neediness.
Here’s the thing though…you are who you are…you beautiful and amazing and messy and challenging. We ALL have those sides to us. The right kind of partner is the one who accepts and loves us for EXACTLY who we are, rollercoaster and all.
The first time has sounded a little like the process that goes into manifesting. I apologise there are just so many things I have come across recently and I’m really trying to do better whether that be in supporting him and showing him that I care a lot. We should be together as well as trying to do better for myself. It’s all a little overwhelming for me right now Slow it down a bit. If you are in overwhelm, you are missing most of the information you are trying to learn anyways. I imagine you are attempting to learn as much as possible as quickly as possible, in efforts to win him back. Like I’ve already said…the issue lies within HIM – this is not about you being, doing or acting differently to get him back. This is about HIM dealing with his internal world and facing whatever it is that causing him to sabotage and disconnect.
Be careful with the whole manifestation idea. The way it’s taught in the mainstream media is completely off and just a small sliver of the big picture. I have studied manifestation and the law of attraction for over 2 decades and the majority of info. out there just confuses a lot of people. No matter how much you follow the EXACT rules of manifestation, what is rarely talked about is what I call the X-factor. The X-factor is timing. Divine timing. Universal timing. Life timing. Whatever you want to call it. But there are ALWAYS variables at play that none of us are privy to that highly influence what shows up in our lives and when. So you can manifest being back together with your guy all you want, but it’s going to happen or not happen according to more important variables at play. The law of attraction is ONE law of many universal laws – that NEVER act on their own. The universal laws work TOGETHER and compliment each other, but media pulled out the law of attraction or “manifestation” as a single principle and that is not how it operates. I like to guide people into acceptance. In the space of acceptance, you are in FLOW with the universal laws, divine laws etc. and that is where you will find peace. Again, you keep searching for ways to control and influence the outcome and maybe that is the lesson that you are meant to learn….let go. Learn how to let go and be in flow instead of in fighting against what is happening. That IS one of the main principles of manifestation that is really powerful…let go of your agenda and let the universe provide for you exactly what you need.
Thoughts?
Heidi
The more I think what he did to me I feel very hurt but I also remember what it was like before he got scared and put the wall up. Yes…you guys were great before he put his walls up AND he put his walls up. Remember to see him for ALL of who he is. He is great AND he is also very fearful and not skilled in relationship. That means that no matter how great your connection is, you are going to get hurt quite a bit with this guy, because of his fears. We all have them, of course…but as long as we own them and work on them…it’s all workable, right? So as long as he just keeps moving through life without dealing with his baggage, he will continue to hurt you.
I want him to feel that I am a special friend and when he needs to talk that I am here. This is a slippery slope here. Reality is, even if you were his “special” friend, you want more from him. How would it make you feel if he started dating another woman? And he started to appropriately confide in her more and less with you? Ouch!!! So it’s not very realistic to want to be “special” in his life without having strings attached to what that means. You are setting yourself up for some pretty big disappointments here. You are already being pulled back into him – and that’s okay! You guys have a great connection! And then one day when he sabotages the connection in some form or fashion, you will have a choice point again. Lord knows I’ve been through that cycle many times. It’s a tough one, but also was necessary for me to really develop my standards.
Heidi
I’m uncovering some issues with self esteem and self love that I’m starting to work on. Wonderful!!! I honestly think this is the super power of love. As much as it is painful what love can activate deep within us, there is nothing like love that exposes all of our “fault” lines – the cracks in our system where low self-esteem lives. How are you going to start working on it? What types of skills are you developing? How are you learning about this part of yourself? Books? Videos?
Is this doomed or a good sign? Honestly, I don’t think it is either. He still is interested in connecting, so you still have your foot in the door. At the same time, he has 1 foot out the door, so it’s a delicate dance y’all are playing here. My suggestion is to keep it light. Stay away from talking about the relationship. You want him to feel GOOD when he is around you. Laugh, be silly and strictly focus on developing the friendship together. DO NOT push him into getting back together. Let HIM keep the pace and you just sit back and be your beautiful self! Be connective, a little flirty, wear outfits that make you feel good and keep it light. The more he feels safe being around you and that you won’t bring up the relationship topic, the more he will feel okay continuing to connect. So let go of your agenda to get back together.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
How about a middle ground here. Being that he is the one who put all the walls up, it’s best that HE is the one making the effort right now.
He told me that he would be home Tuesday night and I could call him but what for? You tell me…what would you call him for? It doesn’t matter what HE wants, it’s what YOU want. Do you WANT to talk to him? You guys have had a couple of conversations again…are they friendly? Flirty? Business? What do YOU want from him?
I don’t want him to think that I don’t care. Care about what? He broke your trust. He pulled you in, connected with you, inspired you to open your heart and then all of a sudden, his walls went up. He broke the connection, in the snap of a finger and of course “pretends” there was nothing there to begin with. So…from my perspective, he has a lot of work to do to earn your trust back. Whether you care or not, is of no consequence. He has to EARN your care. Be discerning. Your heart is valuable and whatever caused him to shut down, is still there and can easily be activated again.
Heidi
Even if he isn’t able to complete the task, it can still be a “hero” thing because he made the effort. So instead of focusing on how thankful you are for him completing the task, you focus on appreciating his effort – so in a way – he is still your “hero.”
As far as you wanting to talk and it being your birthday etc., I imagine he may not have been open to connecting because he may have felt your desire to connect and interpreted it as “needy” on some level. Whenever a guy feels a woman trying to pull something from them that they don’t want to give, they typically put up a lot of walls. So as I have been saying all along, let go of your agenda to connect. Let go of “wanting” anything with him. This is what it means to actually give a guy TRUE space, beyond just physically giving him space. Many times, when the guy feels energetic space, he feels like he can breathe and doesn’t have to put his walls up to protect himself from a woman who wants something from him. When you can be in FULL acceptance of his choice without you trying to change his mind, or pull something from him that he is not freely offering…it’s very possible he may start to open up to you again little bits of time because trust is being built. He NEEDS to trust that you will let him be and trust his process if he is ever going to open up to you again. Does this make sense?
Heidi
I’m not sure if this is correct, but I am led to believe that isn’t actually the healthiest in a relationship and that you don’t need to switch up your schedule and see your partner all the time when in a relationship You are spot on here. It isn’t healthy to spend all your time to be with your person. One of the things that helps a relationship work, is BOTH people having separate lives. They spend time with other people, they have other things to do etc. so when they do come back together, there are things to talk about. So I’m glad you are seeing that about yourself and wanting to build more of a balance between spending time with him and other people, if he decides to come back.
We ended up leaving it just because I wanted to talk to him and have a conversation. I just wanted to ask what I should do in that situation if he is unable to help me? It sounds like you found a good thing for him to help you with, but I’m a little confused. He left without fixing it because you wanted to have a conversation with him and he didn’t want to? Were you wanting to talk about the relationship?
Use these techniques sparingly by the way.
Heidi
Hi Caroline!
I’m so sorry you are having to go through a breakup. It’s terribly difficult to watch the man you love slip through your fingers, regardless of what you do.
It sounds like he is still unsure about breaking up. It sounds like there is still some hope here, but the thing is, nothing is going to inspire him to re-connect unless things change. He doesn’t want to step back into how you guys were connecting before, so what do you understand about your relationship and yourself, that needs to shift in order to create a better connection?
The biggest thing you can do, is start to take responsibility for your side of things by taking ACTION to shift it, instead of just begging and crying for him to come back. Men typically lose respect for a woman who begs. What will help him find you more attractive is your inner strength and confidence. When he also sees that you are taking ACTION to shift how you connect with him, he will know that there is potential again. Hopefully, he will do the same, because as much as you may shift your side of things, it will never last if he doesn’t shift his side as well.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Oh goodness. I’m so sorry Kimberly! Of course, you are confused! Love bombing is so incredibly intense and can absolutely sweep a woman off her feet!
Unfortunately, love bombing is a MASSIVE red flag. The hotter, the faster, the stronger someone comes on, run just as fast the other way. He spent all of this money, time and effort on you…hardly knowing you. He got what he wanted eventually and now he is trying to keep it kosher between you guys so he doesn’t have to deal with an angry woman. Just curious, have you ever expressed to him how it made you feel?
I don’t know the real reasons behind his behavior and it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the end result. He used you. He has little to no respect for women in general. Love bombing is either a guy who is playing games or it’s a guy who falls hard and fast…which is a sign of someone who is pretty empty inside and looking for someone to fill that hole. He is a guy who is emotionally unavailable on so many levels and he definitely is taking advantage of his status. I’m sure he has done this to many other women. He obviously knew exactly what to say and do to break down your walls.
Here is just a general rule to go by…when a guy chases you and tells you how amazing you are, how beautiful you are or says those BIG compliments with zero experience with knowing who you actually are, run the other way. Whenever a guy tells me that I am like no other woman he has met or that I am amazing or something of that flavor – and he hasn’t actually spent enough time with me to give those compliments any kind of meaning, I disconnect and move on. I have no interest in being on a pedestal, I have no interest in a guy who “jumps in,” I have no interest in someone having an opinion about me without really knowing me…those kinds of compliments are empty with no substance behind them.
I’m soooooo so sorry. What he did was awful. It was incredibly disrespectful and dishonoring to your beautiful heart and body. The greatest gift he gave you was to help you become more aware of this red flag, so you can be more discerning in the future.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi R,
Sorry for the delayed response. I am just coming back from my days off.
I am so sorry if this feels like I’m disregarding what you were saying because I’m definitely not doing that it just is me not giving up and trying to offer support whilst also having hope No need to apologize. You are the only one who truly knows what is right for you and that is all that matters. It sounds like you are really clear about staying connected to him, so go with that! Not a single person on earth can tell you when you are done with anything…except for you. You obviously still have a journey to take with this guy and you get to do that. You will learn many things along the way!
As far as twin flames, I have also researched it extensively and experienced my twin flame as a romantic partner. The best relationship I have ever had! Also, a very short-lived one. In all of my research, I too have come across those same concepts you mention and I also have come across people who specialize in this area and work with twin flame relationships with people…who say that twin flames are rarely relationships that work romantically. Twin flames are looked at NOT as a romantic construct, but instead a type of relationship that is meant to expand the people involved…in a very special way that only a twin flame could do. Twin flames could be friends, a challenging coworker, a rough romantic partner…twin flames can take any form of relationship – and sometimes they are romantic and can last and many times it doesn’t play out that way.
I’m not trying to feed into any delusions, but when I did research on that, it just really resonated with me on a very deep level, and I know many people can see that as creating delusion, but in fact, it kind of confirmed how I was already feeling, and it gave me a bit of comfort. Be careful here. You are finding comfort in something that is very speculative. I know it’s what you have been sensing and feeling, but at the same time, it is VERY important that you stay present and deal with the reality that is right in front of you. It is incredibly easy to get lost in our sensing/feeling/intuitive experiences. The goal is to stay balanced. Definitely pay attention to what you are sensing and feeling AND stay grounded in the present moment. I do Akashic Record readings and I will tell you that is the EXACT guidance I receive all the time for my clients. Stay present. For example, maybe your guy is your twin flame. Maybe he isn’t. AND…are those details that actually matter in your situation? No. It’s definitely interesting and giving you insight into how you feel about him, but it’s not a detail that is going to change anything. Breaking up 2x before being together long term? Maybe, maybe not. Finding comfort in THAT guidance is giving you hope and again, it’s based on an opinion, not something solid, predictable nor universal. So that’s what I mean by staying grounded. I do not mean to discourage you at all. My intention here is to just keep you grounded. I spend a lot of time in the realms where the twin flame concept comes from and it’s all magical, beautiful, powerful and limitless far beyond our understanding. No matter what I learn, or see, or understand about the “unknowable” and “unseeable” things to us, I always come back to reality right in front of me and be in relationship with that. Does this make sense??
any advice on how I can strengthen our connection so that it can lead to us growing, and Getting back together later on My advice is to be in FULL acceptance of what is happening. Do not push, do not have an agenda and release your attachment to him. This does NOT mean you won’t be together. It’s more working with the concept of embracing what is, releasing your attachment for a certain result and that is where you will find the most powerful, inner peace. The more you stay attached to “doing/saying/being” a certain way to keep him connected to you, you then enter into the energy of “pushing” in order to get what you want. This is where the hurt will grow, fester and keep you in pain. BUT…if you enter into the energy of “allowing” you are instead surrendering your agenda and trusting that everything is going to turn out exactly as it is supposed to. It could absolutely mean you come back together or it could mean that you go separate ways and come back together 30 years down the road. Who knows! But surrendering control will bring you your greatest lessons. I know you have strong feelings and sense that he is your twin flame and that you are truly meant to be together. That’s okay. AND…forcing any of that happen is not “ALLOWING” you to be open to ALL the lessons available to you, because your agenda is all that you are focused on. You can still love him, you can still be open to him, you can still stay connected to him, but in a way where you are sitting in the back seat of the car, letting things unfold naturally and in the most powerful way possible…as they say in the spiritual communities “for the highest good of all.” And that sometimes means, we don’t get what we want, but we do exactly what we need. We ALWAYS get exactly what we need, when we get out of the way. AND…I cannot tell you how many times I have seen couples get back together once the person I am working with, enters into “allowing/acceptance.” Sometimes, that is the lesson that is needed most…letting go of pushing/forcing/our agenda type of energy….and then all of a sudden, the couple is back together, much stronger than before.
How is all of this coming across to you? I hope I am not coming across where you don’t feel validated or understood. Let’s keep talking as there are many layers here. I really enjoy talking with you as you are open, honest and clear about how you feel. I definitely want to support that while also helping you perspective and stay open to every possibility waiting for you.
Heidi
Do you think he really has lost feelings or that it’s deeper than that? I have no doubt that what happened is influencing how he feels. It may be the entire reason or it may have triggered something much deeper, I don’t know.
he didn’t share too much about it and he said he was sad and he made it clear that he needed to deal with it on his own. He never brought it up again. Since this is how he chose to deal with this, but shutting you out and never talking about it again, all he did was bury it. And there are consequences to that. I imagine this is a pattern of his, yes? When he is under stress, does he typically talk to you about it and ask for advice? Does he share his feelings openly and easily or do you typically have to drag it out of him?
How do I secure this relationship now or for the future? I’m sorry to say, there really is no such thing. Relationships, no matter how old they are, are never 100% secure. Love is a risk. At any moment, a curve ball can show up and the couple that thought they were rock solid, are all of a sudden heading in different directions. So instead of trying to “secure” the relationship, I want to invite you into doing the hardest thing of all….accept whatever is happening, learn and grow from it and trust that whatever is happening, is meant to happen. Stress always exposes how strong a relationship is or not. No matter how firmly you believe you are meant to be together, if that is not his feeling, then that is for HIM to deal with. He seems to run from the feelings that stress brings up. No matter how great you guys are together, in a very challenging moment, he abandoned himself and you and completely shut down. This is a type of coping mechanism that breaks connection and intimacy and does not support a long term relationship. Love and connection lasts because each person chooses it daily, through their actions, through their authenticity, through their personal growth and through having a desire within them, to be the best partner. When road blocks show up, if BOTH people stay present, work through their feelings TOGETHER, ask for help from others if needed, the chance to get through it stronger on the other side is much higher.
The challenge about what is happening in your situation, is you have a partner who has disconnected from you because he has disconnected from himself first. Even if you were able to get his attention back and get back together, it won’t change how he responds to stress. It won’t change that he runs from his feelings. It won’t change that his coping mechanism will break intimacy again.
We all have coping mechanisms that break intimacy…but the idea is that we work on it. The idea is, we own our crap and take ACTION to clear and release the baggage so we can stay connected to what is most important to us.
Him shutting down is a deep thing. Him losing his feelings for you is not something you can help him with. He needs to fight for himself. He needs to not accept that it’s okay for him to lose feelings and just let that be his guiding light. If he won’t fight for himself now and really dig in to find out what’s actually happening for him, then there is nothing you can do other than fight for yourself.
Sometimes, in that process of choosing to fight for yourself and what you need in a partner, by not participating in his design to bury feelings…it can wake him up. Sometimes, the pain that comes with loss is greater than the pain of facing fear – so loss can be a great impetus for growth.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a way to “fix” this and I don’t blame you. You love him and you want to keep that love growing. The best you can do is step back and let him be who he needs to be…which is not enough for you. I wish love were enough. A lack of love is not why people separate. It’s a lack of people facing their fears and running from their baggage.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi R,
It sounds like there is soooooo much going on. From what you have said, I would say that the abortion was probably the catalyst to what is happening right now. It sounds like he is not really deeply connected to how much it’s affecting him. For him to “lose feelings” out of nowhere, is him going numb. Typically, when people lose feelings, something big enough had to have happened to cause that kind of reaction. For example, I am a very emotionally connected person to myself. I feel what I need to feel. But when I lost my dog 8 months ago, I went numb. I couldn’t help it. It was a level of loss that carried an immense level of pain that my system automatically shut down. This is a pretty normal coping type of response for many people when what they feel is sooooo big.
Abortion is a very impactful experience on sooooo many levels the people don’t realize until they are in the thick of it. I have worked with ladies YEARS later that are still affected by that choice. Everyone handles it differently, but it sounds like your guy hasn’t really processed his choice. I don’t know how connected or aware he is to his emotional system, but my guess is, he probably has no clue what is happening and why. Most people don’t. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked my clients about how they feel about the abortion and they say “I’m okay now. I have really worked through it and I don’t really think about it anymore.” Then I start to deep dive and they connect to a part of themselves that carried the pain and loss of that choice that they had no clue was there….yet there were subtle signs I could see that told me about that part of them that was hiding away.
How does this feel for you? Does it maybe connect the dots about what is happening for him?
Heidi
Hi Rosanne,
Wow…you are really going through a tough time! Let’s see if we can figure some things out.
I’m a little confused. Are you living with him currently or on your own? Are you guys still talking at all? I’m not entirely clear where you guys stand. Also, did you leave right from your marriage and start a relationship with this guy? How quickly did you guys move in together? Did you allow yourself any healing time? 22 years with an abuser is pretty intense. Have you worked with a professional at all about all of it?
Why do you think he sees you differently now compared to when you first met? What are you doing differently that makes him not feel that you are that strong woman he was originally attracted to?
Why is he hard to figure out? It sounds like you understand him. He wants to love his daughter and that’s about it. He is not wanting to risk in romantic love. Is that accurate?
Heidi
I’m going to explain a concept to you. It’s called the “upper limit.” It’s the limit we each have, that allows us to be happy. What determines this limit is trauma…the stories we hold onto, the pain we keep close…all the baggage. All of our baggage creates low self-esteem. The amount of low self-esteem we carry, will determine our upper limit…the level of happy we will allow ourselves to be. That’s why you find people who have been abused as children, choosing partners who continue to abuse them. People who grow up in alcoholic families, choose and alcoholic parent. Basically all the trauma gets stored in our subconscious as stories, lies etc. creates the low self-esteem and then limits how happy we can be.
It’s so hard to stand by and watch this genuine good man drowned because someone was so selfish and careless with his heart. He is not a victim here. Remember that he CHOSE her. His low self-esteem/woundedness pulled him into a relationship that wasn’t caring, loving and supportive long term. The wounds he is carrying around with him started way before her. She is not the one to blame. We ALL get hurt by love. We ALL experience rejection, abandonment, betrayal etc. in relationships. The only difference between all of us, is how we handle everything. He is choosing to hold onto his pain and not do the deeper work. He misses you, but then after awhile, it’s too good for too long and he will sabotage the connection. He is NOT doing this consciously of course. He doesn’t understand what he is doing. Most people don’t. But you can tell when someone is reaching their upper limit because they start to get uncomfortable. For me, in the past, I would all of a sudden start to get irritated by the smallest things. It would build into a story as to why this guy wasn’t good for me. And before you know it, I disconnected and moved on. In order to expand your upper limit, you have to face what you are carrying around. You have to look at what created your low self-esteem – forgive, release and heal. There is no way around it. People try all the time and they will get temporary fixes, but nothing long term. Your guy is trying for sure! He is doing the best he can with what he understands and knows…which isn’t enough to change his pattern. My very brilliant coach always says “The #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get exactly what they want, but they are not set up to have it and keep it.” This is the upper limit stated in a bit of a different way.
So now you get to look at your own upper limit. You also are limiting your ability to be happy and love deeply by choosing to be with a guy who has shown you that he can’t go the distance. This is your low self-esteem choosing your partner. If your high self-esteem were choosing your partner, after the first time of him doing that, you would never step back in, because you love and value yourself soooooo much that you wouldn’t let someone into your inner circle, a VERY sacred place, who didn’t love and value you the same way.
Yes, there IS a beautiful love and connection between the both of you. You both are great people! I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, the amount of baggage that gets brought into a relationship is what determines the success of the connection.
Does this help you understand a little better about what he is doing?
Heidi
I’m going to explain a concept to you. It’s called the “upper limit.” It’s the limit we each have, that allows us to be happy. What determines this limit is trauma…the stories we hold onto, the pain we keep close…all the baggage. All of our baggage creates low self-esteem. The amount of low self-esteem we carry, will determine our upper limit…the level of happy we will allow ourselves to be. That’s why you find people who have been abused as children, choosing partners who continue to abuse them. People who grow up in alcoholic families, choose and alcoholic parent. Basically all the trauma gets stored in our subconscious as stories, lies etc. creates the low self-esteem and then limits how happy we can be.
It’s so hard to stand by and watch this genuine good man drowned because someone was so selfish and careless with his heart. He is not a victim here. Remember that he CHOSE her. His low self-esteem/woundedness pulled him into a relationship that wasn’t caring, loving and supportive long term. The wounds he is carrying around with him started way before her. She is not the one to blame. We ALL get hurt by love. We ALL experience rejection, abandonment, betrayal etc. in relationships. The only difference between all of us, is how we handle everything. He is choosing to hold onto his pain and not do the deeper work. He misses you, but then after awhile, it’s too good for too long and he will sabotage the connection. He is NOT doing this consciously of course. He doesn’t understand what he is doing. Most people don’t. But you can tell when someone is reaching their upper limit because they start to get uncomfortable. For me, in the past, I would all of a sudden start to get irritated by the smallest things. It would build into a story as to why this guy wasn’t good for me. And before you know it, I disconnected and moved on. In order to expand your upper limit, you have to face what you are carrying around. You have to look at what created your low self-esteem – forgive, release and heal. There is no way around it. People try all the time and they will get temporary fixes, but nothing long term. Your guy is trying for sure! He is doing the best he can with what he understands and knows…which isn’t enough to change his pattern. My very brilliant coach always says “The #1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get exactly what they want, but they are not set up to have it and keep it.” This is the upper limit stated in a bit of a different way.
So now you get to look at your own upper limit. You also are limiting your ability to be happy and love deeply by choosing to be with a guy who has shown you that he can’t go the distance. This is your low self-esteem choosing your partner. If your high self-esteem were choosing your partner, after the first time of him doing that, you would never step back in, because you love and value yourself soooooo much that you wouldn’t let someone into your inner circle, a VERY sacred place, who didn’t love and value you the same way.
Yes, there IS a beautiful love and connection between the both of you. You both are great people! I wish that were enough. Unfortunately, the amount of baggage that gets brought into a relationship is what determines the success of the connection.
Does this help you understand a little better about what he is doing?
Heidi
