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Hi Ruta!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your struggles and questions.
I’m a bit confused. Are you currently just friends and see each other a lot? Or are you acting like friends with benefits? I just need a little more explanation as to how you both are interacting with each other at the moment.
Has he ever mentioned why he is not wanting to give it another try? It sounds like you guys hang out quite a bit, so he would know the changes you have made in your life and how things would be different. So I’m wondering what is stopping him. How old are the both of you? How long have you known each other / dated? Does he have a tendency to hold onto things from the past? Does he tend to hold grudges at all? Would you say he is a forgiving person?
It sounds like you are doing a really good job of being a good partner for him. I know you are appreciating him and showing him respect…would you say he agrees? Do you know if that is how he feels around you?
I know it’s a lot of questions! Share whatever you feel comfortable with….
Heidi
Wow! Your job definitely is quite diverse! It sounds fascinating!!! So not the kind of stuff that stimulates my mind, but I can see with the engineering background that you have, it would be perfect! Do you ever find that men are intimidated by your intellect at all? Just curious…
When I say you are taking things in stride, it means you are going with the flow really well. Make sense?
As far as understanding his behavior….maybe I can explain it like this. Let’s look at food for example. You may know that the piece of chocolate cake is not good for you. But you know it tastes soooo good! So you have a piece, telling yourself you will just have one piece and that’s it! So you enjoy completely! But you also tell yourself you aren’t going to have anymore, so you put away the cake. Then you WANT another piece and you compromise again and have another piece….and so on. The chocolate cake is representing what you want, but your mind is screaming “Be careful! You are going to get fat! It’s not good for you!” but your needs are so strong. That chocolate cake makes you feel pure and utter pleasure! So that’s where the split is….you know you should limit your intake of chocolate cake and sometimes you can resist…but other times (especially when pleasure is low in your life) you will want the chocolate cake more. Does this make sense??? haha!
Heidi
HI Shay,
I’m glad to hear you are connecting to your strength! I want to be clear about something though…have hurt feelings and being messy about a breakup IS strong. Strength means being okay having all of your emotions, but not letting them control you. Meaning, it’s okay to be mad, hurt, angry and depressed. It takes strength to FEEL all of those. Shoving those aside and burying your emotions is what weakness is. It means someone doesn’t have the ability to feel what is real for them, so they bury it. It is HOW you handle those emotional reactions that you want to role model to your daughters. Be angry AND choose forgiveness. Be sad AND send him good vibes. Be depressed AND nurture your heart in loving ways. It’s HOW we respond to stress and emotions that matters. Your feelings are here because you cared and you loved. You got burned, but if you bury these emotions, if you blame him….then you lead yourself down the path towards resentment and building walls around your heart…which will only make you less available for the next guy. Don’t EVER give any man or person THAT much power to ruin your experiences in your future. Taking control means you decide to have your emotions and feelings, but you process them in a healthy way so your spirit stays free of low, heavy, dense emotions.
Of course you are angry. Process it! Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt is the primary emotion under anger. When I’m angry, I take a tennis racket to a pillow, I put on an angry song and dance like I’m angry, I pin up a picture I drew of the person I am mad at and throw a few dozen eggs at it., I will yell into a pillow….the idea is to transform the energy of anger into something. Keep it moving…don’t let it sit and stagnate and take over your very precious heart.
I would suggest finding another way to get help moving. It really would be best to stay as far away from him as possible, especially when you are still hurting. It would be soooo easy to get drawn back into him and the love you feel and you get injured all over again. I always advise people to STAY AWAY and allow your heart to heal….THEN you are more safe to run into them again and be okay without your heart getting injured all over again. It’s torture!
Is there another way to get help?
Heidi
Wow Leyla!!! This is amazing! Of course you feel safe with him! You guys have a lot of history together and have kept in touch all of these years. He sounds very invested in you and open to seeing where everything goes. Perfect!
Tell me what you like about him… Tell me what some of his limitations are… Tell me how you feel when you are around him….
Heidi
Hi Shay,
It makes it triple hard seeing your kids hurt. The BIGGEST gift you can give them, is to love them and yourself through this loss. Loss is a part of life. How we handle that loss is really important. Teaching them that people will come and go in our lives many times over. Teaching them to love themselves through the loss, not get resentful or bitter, always forgive the person who leaves and send them good energy. This is soooooo important to learn and this is a PERFECT time to start teaching them that. It is a bummer your kids don’t have a male role model. That means they will have to figure out how to survive anyways. Like Kanya said….it’s better he leaves once instead of several times. That kind of role modeling is much more devastating and causes a lot of mistrust. It’s important for you to protect them from that…and yourself. Know that they will be okay because you are okay. Your kids are watching you and listening to you with how you handle this. They need to hear you talk kindness and forgiveness towards him. They need to know that you are hurt, but you are loving yourself through this and that even though he walked away, it doesn’t define your self worth. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he walked away. That is on him! You made a mistake…so what! It’s not the last time you make a mistake. You did not make him walk away, especially in this manner. That is HIS CHOICE and you have nothing to do with that. Forgive yourself for being human, love yourself for your ability to be resilient and forgive him for his limitations as well. Forgiveness does not mean forget though. You need to remember how he is handling this, as he will most likely do it again.
I would keep staying away until it’s time to move. It will help him know that you are not going to crawl back to him. Give yourself some time to heal a bit and get your emotions under control. If you see him or talk to him and get all emotional about everything, it most likely will shut him down and make him not want to be around you. So take care of yourself over the next few weeks and then contact him about moving when it’s time.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Leyla,
It sounds like you are moving into a place of acceptance with this. I’m so sorry about your family emergency! Hopefully everything is okay! Did he even ask about it later or check in on you and make sure everything was okay??
I’m glad you felt some reprieve from telling him the truth about the miscarriage. I know how important that can be. You really have tried to do what you can, but like Kanya said….he needs to make some effort. You deserve to feel like you are wanted and sought after, so I think it’s a good idea to let go of the idea of him. He isn’t valuing you the way you need and that’s okay.
Tell me more about this friend of your that is moving to the area???
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
It’s not really weird that he is connective and then not. That is typical of a guy who isn’t emotionally available…especially if they have feelings for a gal. He is split. He likes you and is attracted to you, but also not ready for a relationship. So he will connect and enjoy and then the part that isn’t ready for anything, will step in and “cool” him down and keep reminding him how he isn’t ready. Or….maybe this is how he is anyways….I don’t know. I do know enough to know that guys who are emotionally unavailable tend to show up and connect really well, then not. I’m not surprised. The more he gets to know you, the more he may pull away, because he is trying not to get hooked.
It sounds like you are taking it in stride though.
Your job sounds really interesting and really hard. I used to have to write grant requests as part of a job I had once…I hated it! Paperwork is sooooo not my thing! Do you like what you do? How did you end up in that job??
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Can you share a little more information? How have you guys been communicating? Is there flirting? Is there an energy between you guys or does it seem very friend – like?
How long were you together? What caused you guys to break up? How long were you broken up?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story. This is a tough situation. The main red flag here is that he is still going through a bad divorce. It’s important to stay away from people in that situation. There are A LOT of emotions to work through, which means they are not really emotionally available. He is making a good decision by being honest with you and saying he isn’t ready. I know you have feelings for him, but I think in this situation, listening to him and honoring what he needs right now (which is to not date or be in a relationship) is important. Give him some time. Let go of the idea of him as a partner and decide that friendship would be a good thing. The best relationship are built on friendship….maybe down the road something could happen.
Either way….he is not available which means your heart would eventually be broken if you kept trying to pull him into a situation he is not ready for….
Thoughts?
Heidi
How is everything going?? Any date set up yet? What do you do for work btw?
I keep waiting for updates from you, because you have such good stuff going on!
Heidi
Hello!
Thanks for more information. Can you think of anything that may have happened to make him disconnect? Something you said? Something he said? Did you actually meet this guy in person? You said there was a lot of phone calls, so I’m wondering how many dates you have actually been on with him. How did you meet him?
I want to slow you down quite a bit. Using the word “love” is pretty intense. What makes you feel this way after just knowing him a short time. And he seems to not have any interest anymore. You barely know him. I’m wondering if he is playing some sort of game. Did he ever tell you how he feels about you?
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It hurts! What are you doing to take care of yourself right now? I would hate for you to lose your valuable time and energy while waiting for his phone call. Do you have friends that can help you through this? Are you finding ways to help you get through this?
Heidi
Hi Shay,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. It’s incredibly difficult and pretty horrible to have someone break up over a mistake you made…something that you were willing to work on. I’m wondering if he was just trying to find an out somehow. He is having a pretty extreme reaction, so he either has been wanting to break up or he is someone who is very unforgiving and wants to blame everyone else for his own pain. Either way, from what you are saying he has said to you, he is definitely interested in punishing you. It doesn’t matter how great the relationship was or how much you love him…he is also being unkind. Relationships that last are ones where people are able to forgive and work through problems TOGETHER. When someone is punishing or getting revenge somehow, it is abusive. The foundation of your relationship is broken and will never sustain long term….at least in a nourishing way. You can choose to stay in a relationship with a guy who is unforgiving and wishes to punish you for your mistakes…you won’t be happy though. He is setting you up to never feel okay being yourself and making mistakes. You will eventually end up walking on eggshells with him if this is how he responds when he gets hurt.
I know you love him. I know your world feels empty without him. Time will heal all of that and you will learn from this experience. If you are interested in getting him back, keep staying away from him. In a few weeks, you can text him that you need some help with something. We can figure that out once time has passed. Your focus for the next few weeks is to take care of yourself and your children. Find some fun things to go do. Find ways to laugh….even if it’s just for a few moments. Keep yourself busy and occupied. Maybe spend the next few weeks really making sure this is the kind of experience you want to have. When we are in so much pain, getting them back is more about relieving that pain. We don’t think very clearly. Both Kanya and I, who have studied and coached people through relationships for years, are both telling you….this relationship is broken, despite how much you love. Unfortunately, love is not enough. So maybe spend the next few weeks learning about relationships. What does a healthy relationship look like? What does good communication / healthy arguing look like? What qualities need to exist in a relationship in order for it to last? Then you can compare to what you and him are going through. Learn some new skills and figure out how to be a more effective and supportive partner. You both have a lot of learning to do. Whether he will take that path or not, doesn’t matter. You can begin on your own path and maybe even apply some of what you learn with him. Here is a good website to start to look at: http://www.gottman.com There is a TON of free information and tips about understanding relationships.
Heidi
Hi Jane,
We are so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You really have been through an INCREDIBLE amount! I am soooo so sorry!
What is the current status of the cancer? Are you in remission? Did you have a mastectomy?
You both have been through an incredible amount. It sounds like you haven’t really processed through everything that has happened with yourself and with him. It sounds like you are very reactive and instantly triggered. That just means there is A LOT of built up emotions you are carrying around and the slightest little thing can activate those emotions…and of course he is part of the target.
It sounds like you guys have a good connection and enjoy each other. You have been through sooooo much and it’s an even that changes you and of course him as well. He chose to cheat instead of dealing with his emotions. He will have a TON of emotions around all of it as well. Have either of you thought about getting a therapist or working with a coach on your own?
I’m wondering if he is the kind of guy that just runs away vs. really facing what he is feeling. Is that a common pattern you noticed about him over the years?
I know you want him back. The thing is, your relationship needs to function differently for that to even be a possibility. Your insecurities need to be dealt with, his feelings about his struggles need to be dealt with. You both probably could learn how to communicate better. Have you looked at the “Relationship Rewrite Method” yet?
Heidi
Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
