Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Oh! And I’m just going to throw this out there. If you don’t believe in re-incarnation and having had past lives…just dis-regard this. If you do, then…
Past lives influence us quite a bit as well. We all come to earth to learn and evolve around certain things. Therefore, situations, karma, soul contracts will show up in our lives, to teach us the lessons our soul wants to learn and master. I have found through all the work I do, that when it comes to patterns that are VERY strong, there are multiple layers influencing that pattern both from the current life as well as past lives.
Just wanted to throw that out there…
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Whew! I am so glad it was okay to say all of that. Gosh, any guy who captures your heart mentally, physically and spiritually….will be one lucky dude!!! You are quite the unusually “full” package and deserve to find a guy who offers you the same.
So here is “why” there are 2 drivers for someone instead of just 1: first…it can be in different categories. For example, I have 1 driver when it comes to dating and relationships and the kind of people I let into my life (I used to have 2 for a loooong time – took a lot of work to get to 1 driver). But when it comes to my health and fitness, I have 2 drivers (working on it all the time until I get to 1 driver). People might have 2 drivers when it comes to their finances. It’s whenever there is a split between how they truly want to be (their best self) and the choices they actually end up making (the sabotage self). Whomever is in charge at the moment and in the driver seat, will depend on how centered and connected to the truth that person is at the time.
When we get disconnected from the truth, we seek ways (outside of ourselves) to meet our needs and self soothe so to speak. When I am stressed, I LOOOOVE sugar and chocolate. I’m self soothing and finding a way to bring pleasure into my life, because I am not connected to the truth that I am okay, I am loveable, I am resilient. I can say in my head all I want, but my actions show me I am not BEING that, feeling it nor believing it. I’m needing the sugar for pleasure because I am disconnected. When we get disconnected from the truth, we are not in self love. Every single thing we do to sabotage ourselves, in whatever way, is letting us know we are not in self love. We are disconnected from our best, highest self that is connected to divine / source energy which is the truth of who we really are. (not sure of your spiritual beliefs or if you even have any).
So….basically, every situation and person that shows up in your life is a reflection of energy, thoughts, beliefs you are holding inside of yourself (subconsciously). Here is the message it is telling you (it’s usually 1 of these 2 options, but sometimes it is both). I will just use you as an example of your pattern:
1. The guys you attract are showing you how you treat yourself and others. They are emotionally unavailable, therefore you are emotionally available and they are reflecting back to you what it feels like and looks like. Why are you emotionally unavailable? That is your journey….usually it comes from not feeling safe….someone along the way taught you that.
2. The guys you attract are reflecting back to you a belief you have about yourself. So by attracting guys who are emotionally unavailable, it is telling you that deep down, you don’t believe you are truly loveable. Deep down, there is not self love. They are rejecting you which means you are rejecting yourself. Again…you have a ton of confidence and self love…but in this particular area, your choices and what you are attracting are showing you that you need to work on self love. You are disconnected from the truth of how amazing you really are and your beauty and light and essence….when it comes to guys and dating. This is just an area of low-self esteem for you…therefore the guys you attract reflect that back to you. Think about all the common threads they have and that will show you how you are feeling as well. It tells you what energy you carry around. Again…someone taught you to be this way. Whether it was one person who is the dominant person or several people throughout your childhood when all of this develops.
When it came to guys, I definitely had BOTH. Man…it was a tough one to overcome, but finally about 10 years ago, I started to see the fruits of all my labors. Now…I am soooo happy to have 1 driver. Not to say that I can’t have a moment of splitting off, but I’ll tell you. When I’ve done that…the consequences are so high. I am EXTREMLY uncomfortable in my spirit and I have to do a lot of work to clear the energy around my choice. Before…I used to just kind of flick it away like a fly. I could tolerate it. I used to have a VERY HIGH pain tolerance. Now…my pain tolerance is very low, therefore I pay the price when I make a choice that splits me. It’s good! It keeps me in line!
Does all of this makes sense?
heidi
Hi Emilie,
It was these 2 statements that caught my attention: “I guess that when I told him that we could meet but it was in his hands as I gave him my availability, it made him step back.” That’s your brain putting a story (a box) around why he is not responding.
“Right now I have the feeling I won’t get news for some time…Not too sure about it but I feel he decides to pull away and listen to his “don’t get attached” faced.” Here is that same exact story again.
The subconscious is EXTREMLY subtle. I guarantee you think about it way more than you realize. We can have as many as 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day with 80% of them being sourced by the subconscious. Meaning…we don’t “feel” or are actually connected to those thoughts…regardless, they do have a lot of power in our lives. Just by those statements above that you made, even though you may not be “feeling” or are aware of having any kind of reaction….you are having some thoughts about him not responding to you that would go in the “rejection” category….and the rejection category holds a gazillion memories throughout our lifetime AND you just dealt with feeling rejected by the last few guys.
I know you know he is not ready and it makes perfect sense to you. AND…you feel more like yourself with him than anyone in a long time. You have agreed to a friends with benefits situation AND you really might be doing that in hopes it could turn to something more, because you crave a deeper connection….yet you agreed to a surface connection. This is where really breaking down what you want compared to your actions and choices, can open you up to deeper parts of yourself. When someone is not ALIGNED with what they want in life and what they choose, it’s a wonderful time to go down the rabbit hole of the subconscious to discover why there is a disconnect.
I’m trying to take you deeper into your subconscious and teach you the “language” and the “signs.” You have 2 drivers in your car as well, right? One driver wants a deeper connection and someone you can be yourself with and someone to grow with and someone who wants to take an un-inhibited journey with you down the path of life and love….then the other driver (who is currently driving) says “I know he can’t take that journey with me. Maybe he will one day, but for right now, this is good enough. I’m willing to settle and get what I can from the situation.”
Anyways….this may be beyond what you are willing to look at….I don’t know. I don’t have any answers…I’m just reading the “signs” or the “language” that you are giving us. I don’t know what any of it means as that is your journey to take if you want.
Hopefully this helps! At least that is my intent. You may push back against this and that’s okay! I usually don’t go down this road with anyone on this forum…it’s pretty difficult and risky over a computer…lol. Being face to face is important. You are smart though and maybe, at the very least, something will ring true for you or a seed will be planted and grow later. Who knows! Either way, I truly appreciate you being here and sharing your path with us. You are quite wonderful to talk with!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I know how hard this is, but make sure not to put any kind of story on what is happening for him. I know it’s been a bit since he responded, but maybe hasn’t “pulled back” because is wanting to create distance. Maybe something stressful happened. Men have a tendency to go into a “cave” when stress happens. They isolate inside themselves to think and solve problems. Maybe he got crazy busy with work. Maybe something happened with his phone. Maybe…..
I know you are not pushing it and waiting for him to respond, which is great! In the meantime, it is normal to predict the reasons why he is not responding. Whenever your brain goes there (it has a high need to put everything in a box it understands) just remind yourself, you don’t have any information, therefore there is no box. I know I may be nitpicking at you. It’s the small stuff like this, that is important to catch and pay attention too and work with. The small stuff matters as those are the building blocks for developing your skills in relationship. So many people jump to conclusions when the person they are dating breaks a pattern or doesn’t respond quickly. These moments are great gifts! Because although it may be a small thing in comparison, it is an opportunity to re-program how you respond to being a space of “I don’t know.” That space is one of the most uncomfortable spaces for the brain! It’s a SKILL to be able to be comfortable in the “I don’t know” space. It’s a SKILL to be able to allow yourself to be in the space of “I don’t know” and not try and get out of it with “guessing” what has happened. Does this make sense?
We are strange in a lot of ways, as humans. When you look at it logically (with the brain), you would just shake your head at all of us and how we live our lives. My coach always reminds me “The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get better and they are not set up (emotionally / spiritually) to be healthier.” I’ve seen it and experienced it a million times. I’ve seen people find exactly what they want and crave in a relationship and then mess it up! It’s why people who win the lottery will lose it all in a year or two. It’s why people will get the job of their dreams and then sabotage it somehow. It’s not the conscious part of them destroying what they want. It’s the subconscious part of them that has a TON of information and knowledge the person doesn’t have conscious access to. That’s why these small things are soooo important to pay attention. The subconscious gives us signs all over the place about what is happening on deeper levels. Most people just don’t know those signs or the language of the subconscious and then what to do about it. I’d have to say, that is my very favorite part. It’s fascinating! I’ve studied it a ton and there really is a language happening ALL THE TIME!!!! Once you understand the subconscious and what it’s trying to tell you and why….THEN it makes perfect, logical sense as to why the person is being “weird” and why the person is sabotaging exactly what they want.
I could talk about this forever! lolHeidi
but if you don’t want to get hooked…Don’t try to connect more otherwise for sure you will get hooked but might be too late
This is what I mean! He doesn’t want to get hooked, but he does. Yes, he can just eat the cake, the actual problem is, he wants to eat the cake too much! So that is why he is talking deeper and connecting deeper and not just keeping it simple. He CRAVES feeling that connection with you. He CRAVES feeling a certain way, inside of himself, that he feels when he is around you. You stimulate him in an unusual way. You are giving him new experiences. You are making him feel things that he probably hasn’t felt in awhile. Even though he is emotionally unavailable, that is only PART of him. The other part DOES want to connect and be available…that part just isn’t as strong therefore is not in the driver’s seat. So again…the problem is…a part of him CRAVES that cake and wants to eat more and more of that, so his other part (that is not emotionally available) will kick in and say, “Dude, back off the cake!!! You can’t eat that much cake!”
So it’s kind of like having 2 different people in the car. 1 wants to move forward and the other wants to put the breaks on. Whomever is in the driver’s seat at the time is the one in charge.
Does that make more sense?
That cracks me up what your friend said about you pretending not to be as smart as you are so you can date…lol! I love that this current guy has, at the very least, given you the experience to remind you of what it feels like to be comfortable around a man and not have to pretend anything! That’s a gift!
Heidi
Hi Shay,
Hopefully this will help you understand why you attract the guys that you do. If you view everyone as a reflection…a mirror…of what is inside of you, it will help you understand your life much better!
So reflection of him is telling you 1 of 2 things (or a little of both):
1. He is mirroring to you ways that you also behave to others in your life. Do you ever treat anyone this way? (not just men, but family members, friends, children, co-workers).2. He is mirroring beliefs you have about yourself. For example, if you had parents that were very judgmental growing up, you would have absorbed those judgments into your self esteem. Those judgments like “You are not smart enough” (just as an example) would then become part of the fabric of how you view yourself and then you will attract people who would view you or treat you in that way. So this guy is rejecting you and is being very unforgiving and unkind. So did you grow up around any of those types of people?
So again…he is reflecting what is inside of your psyche and emotional makeup. The reason these are good experiences to learn from, is it tells us what is happening on the subconscious as well. We live from about 80% of the subconscious mind, so that means the people we invite into our lives, the jobs we have, the lives we live are dominantly coming from feelings and beliefs that exist in a space we are not connected or aware of. So you need to look for the “symptoms” that show up in life to let you know what’s happening for you on a deeper level for you.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Wow! He sounds like a really great friend…which is the most important aspect of a relationship! I’m really excited for you and so happy you get to feel like your real self. Thank you for sharing!
Keep us updated as to how things are going!
Heidi
Hi Ann,
My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is incredibly difficult for sure. You gave your heart to a man who isn’t able to support it and care for it the way it deserves.
It’s time to walk away. He is making a very clear choice for his family and his very challenging wife. Something inside of him is keeping him connected to his situation and it has nothing to do with you. This is his own battle and his own limiting beliefs that are keeping him connected to a chaotic situation. Remember, he is the one who chose her in the first place, so that say something about him and what he believes he deserves in life.
Now it’s time for you to care for you heart in the way it deserves and pull back. It’s time for you love yourself more and more and get grounded again. The truth is, he is not available anymore and hasn’t been for awhile. So you need to honor his choice and honor your needs to be connected with in a deep and meaningful way.
It’s going to be crazy hard being that you work together. You can stay friendly, but limit your conversations to just a few minutes and only deal with him as necessary. It’s simple what you say. “My heart is valuable and sacred and it’s time for me to start taking better care of it. You have clearly made your choice and I honor that however, it means I am not an option anymore. I need to let go and allow myself to heal. Please honor my choice.”
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Richa!
I am so sorry. I can feel your deep hurt and care for him. He obviously has some strong feelings for you as well and unfortunately it’s what caused him to run the other direction.
I want to help you understand something deeper about him. I completely understand there are strong feelings for him. It’s also important that when you are choosing to let someone into your very sacred heart space, you need to see them for ALL that they are. As wonderful as he is, he is also showing you he is not willing to face his fears. He is showing you he is not willing to face his challenges. He would rather run than to move on with his life. He would rather be in his low self-esteem by saying “you deserve someone better than me” than to risk again. This is a HUGE RED FLAG! A person who handles their life in this way is not going to make the best partner. When things get challenging, and they will, he most likely will run from the problem and let the fear take over. He most likely will be drawn to “victim” type of thinking vs. being an adult and taking charge of his challenges.
Is this the kind of guy you want to pursue a relationship with? Is this the kind of guy you want holding your heart?Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lauren,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through! It is beyond difficult!
This is a good learning experience. The moment you guys began talking for hours, that was the moment he began “cheating” on his girlfriend. It’s a very inappropriate relationship. If he is talking to you, more than his own girlfriend (whether or not sex was involved) he is emotionally cheating on her. She should be his best friend, not you. Your relationship with him is not based in integrity which makes it a pretty rocky road.
I don’t know what is keeping him involved with her, but it is clear he is choosing her. As long as you keep offering him that friendship and participating in fueling that connection, there is no reason for him to deal with the consequences of his choices. He gets to have the best of both worlds! I am wondering if part of him staying with his girlfriend is maybe he is getting a free place to stay and maybe he is getting fed as well?? I don’t know the situation, but I am also wondering how old he is? I’m wondering why he doesn’t have his own place? I think there are more factors involved in his decision beside the girlfriend….what do you think about that? He would be losing a lot more than girlfriend…he would be losing a free home maybe?
I wish there was some magical way to get him to choose you too. Life would be so much easier that way for sure! It’s time to step back and start to take care of yourself. Have the least amount of contact with him as possible. It doesn’t matter what he is saying…his actions are what matter in this situation. He needs to face his choices and you need to face your choice to get involved with a guy who is already taken. You both have stepped into a situation with a lot of painful consequences and now it’s come to a point where they have to be dealt with.
And just something for you to think about as well…if he is choosing to make you his best friend and get intimate with you and cheat on his girlfriend and not be honest with himself or her….what makes you think he wouldn’t do the same to you? If he is unhappy in his relationship, he needs to be HONEST about that with her and either work through it or leave…instead he is choosing to get his needs met behind her back…that is character flaw which means he likely doesn’t face challenges in life very well. He would rather lie and be dishonest than to be authentic and live with integrity. I know you have strong feelings for him, but it is also something to consider when really giving your heart to someone.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ruta!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your struggles and questions.
I’m a bit confused. Are you currently just friends and see each other a lot? Or are you acting like friends with benefits? I just need a little more explanation as to how you both are interacting with each other at the moment.
Has he ever mentioned why he is not wanting to give it another try? It sounds like you guys hang out quite a bit, so he would know the changes you have made in your life and how things would be different. So I’m wondering what is stopping him. How old are the both of you? How long have you known each other / dated? Does he have a tendency to hold onto things from the past? Does he tend to hold grudges at all? Would you say he is a forgiving person?
It sounds like you are doing a really good job of being a good partner for him. I know you are appreciating him and showing him respect…would you say he agrees? Do you know if that is how he feels around you?
I know it’s a lot of questions! Share whatever you feel comfortable with….
Heidi
Wow! Your job definitely is quite diverse! It sounds fascinating!!! So not the kind of stuff that stimulates my mind, but I can see with the engineering background that you have, it would be perfect! Do you ever find that men are intimidated by your intellect at all? Just curious…
When I say you are taking things in stride, it means you are going with the flow really well. Make sense?
As far as understanding his behavior….maybe I can explain it like this. Let’s look at food for example. You may know that the piece of chocolate cake is not good for you. But you know it tastes soooo good! So you have a piece, telling yourself you will just have one piece and that’s it! So you enjoy completely! But you also tell yourself you aren’t going to have anymore, so you put away the cake. Then you WANT another piece and you compromise again and have another piece….and so on. The chocolate cake is representing what you want, but your mind is screaming “Be careful! You are going to get fat! It’s not good for you!” but your needs are so strong. That chocolate cake makes you feel pure and utter pleasure! So that’s where the split is….you know you should limit your intake of chocolate cake and sometimes you can resist…but other times (especially when pleasure is low in your life) you will want the chocolate cake more. Does this make sense??? haha!
Heidi
HI Shay,
I’m glad to hear you are connecting to your strength! I want to be clear about something though…have hurt feelings and being messy about a breakup IS strong. Strength means being okay having all of your emotions, but not letting them control you. Meaning, it’s okay to be mad, hurt, angry and depressed. It takes strength to FEEL all of those. Shoving those aside and burying your emotions is what weakness is. It means someone doesn’t have the ability to feel what is real for them, so they bury it. It is HOW you handle those emotional reactions that you want to role model to your daughters. Be angry AND choose forgiveness. Be sad AND send him good vibes. Be depressed AND nurture your heart in loving ways. It’s HOW we respond to stress and emotions that matters. Your feelings are here because you cared and you loved. You got burned, but if you bury these emotions, if you blame him….then you lead yourself down the path towards resentment and building walls around your heart…which will only make you less available for the next guy. Don’t EVER give any man or person THAT much power to ruin your experiences in your future. Taking control means you decide to have your emotions and feelings, but you process them in a healthy way so your spirit stays free of low, heavy, dense emotions.
Of course you are angry. Process it! Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurt is the primary emotion under anger. When I’m angry, I take a tennis racket to a pillow, I put on an angry song and dance like I’m angry, I pin up a picture I drew of the person I am mad at and throw a few dozen eggs at it., I will yell into a pillow….the idea is to transform the energy of anger into something. Keep it moving…don’t let it sit and stagnate and take over your very precious heart.
I would suggest finding another way to get help moving. It really would be best to stay as far away from him as possible, especially when you are still hurting. It would be soooo easy to get drawn back into him and the love you feel and you get injured all over again. I always advise people to STAY AWAY and allow your heart to heal….THEN you are more safe to run into them again and be okay without your heart getting injured all over again. It’s torture!
Is there another way to get help?
Heidi
Wow Leyla!!! This is amazing! Of course you feel safe with him! You guys have a lot of history together and have kept in touch all of these years. He sounds very invested in you and open to seeing where everything goes. Perfect!
Tell me what you like about him… Tell me what some of his limitations are… Tell me how you feel when you are around him….
Heidi
Hi Shay,
It makes it triple hard seeing your kids hurt. The BIGGEST gift you can give them, is to love them and yourself through this loss. Loss is a part of life. How we handle that loss is really important. Teaching them that people will come and go in our lives many times over. Teaching them to love themselves through the loss, not get resentful or bitter, always forgive the person who leaves and send them good energy. This is soooooo important to learn and this is a PERFECT time to start teaching them that. It is a bummer your kids don’t have a male role model. That means they will have to figure out how to survive anyways. Like Kanya said….it’s better he leaves once instead of several times. That kind of role modeling is much more devastating and causes a lot of mistrust. It’s important for you to protect them from that…and yourself. Know that they will be okay because you are okay. Your kids are watching you and listening to you with how you handle this. They need to hear you talk kindness and forgiveness towards him. They need to know that you are hurt, but you are loving yourself through this and that even though he walked away, it doesn’t define your self worth. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that he walked away. That is on him! You made a mistake…so what! It’s not the last time you make a mistake. You did not make him walk away, especially in this manner. That is HIS CHOICE and you have nothing to do with that. Forgive yourself for being human, love yourself for your ability to be resilient and forgive him for his limitations as well. Forgiveness does not mean forget though. You need to remember how he is handling this, as he will most likely do it again.
I would keep staying away until it’s time to move. It will help him know that you are not going to crawl back to him. Give yourself some time to heal a bit and get your emotions under control. If you see him or talk to him and get all emotional about everything, it most likely will shut him down and make him not want to be around you. So take care of yourself over the next few weeks and then contact him about moving when it’s time.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
