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Hi Shay,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. It’s incredibly difficult and pretty horrible to have someone break up over a mistake you made…something that you were willing to work on. I’m wondering if he was just trying to find an out somehow. He is having a pretty extreme reaction, so he either has been wanting to break up or he is someone who is very unforgiving and wants to blame everyone else for his own pain. Either way, from what you are saying he has said to you, he is definitely interested in punishing you. It doesn’t matter how great the relationship was or how much you love him…he is also being unkind. Relationships that last are ones where people are able to forgive and work through problems TOGETHER. When someone is punishing or getting revenge somehow, it is abusive. The foundation of your relationship is broken and will never sustain long term….at least in a nourishing way. You can choose to stay in a relationship with a guy who is unforgiving and wishes to punish you for your mistakes…you won’t be happy though. He is setting you up to never feel okay being yourself and making mistakes. You will eventually end up walking on eggshells with him if this is how he responds when he gets hurt.
I know you love him. I know your world feels empty without him. Time will heal all of that and you will learn from this experience. If you are interested in getting him back, keep staying away from him. In a few weeks, you can text him that you need some help with something. We can figure that out once time has passed. Your focus for the next few weeks is to take care of yourself and your children. Find some fun things to go do. Find ways to laugh….even if it’s just for a few moments. Keep yourself busy and occupied. Maybe spend the next few weeks really making sure this is the kind of experience you want to have. When we are in so much pain, getting them back is more about relieving that pain. We don’t think very clearly. Both Kanya and I, who have studied and coached people through relationships for years, are both telling you….this relationship is broken, despite how much you love. Unfortunately, love is not enough. So maybe spend the next few weeks learning about relationships. What does a healthy relationship look like? What does good communication / healthy arguing look like? What qualities need to exist in a relationship in order for it to last? Then you can compare to what you and him are going through. Learn some new skills and figure out how to be a more effective and supportive partner. You both have a lot of learning to do. Whether he will take that path or not, doesn’t matter. You can begin on your own path and maybe even apply some of what you learn with him. Here is a good website to start to look at: http://www.gottman.com There is a TON of free information and tips about understanding relationships.
Heidi
Hi Jane,
We are so glad you are here. Thank you for sharing your struggles. You really have been through an INCREDIBLE amount! I am soooo so sorry!
What is the current status of the cancer? Are you in remission? Did you have a mastectomy?
You both have been through an incredible amount. It sounds like you haven’t really processed through everything that has happened with yourself and with him. It sounds like you are very reactive and instantly triggered. That just means there is A LOT of built up emotions you are carrying around and the slightest little thing can activate those emotions…and of course he is part of the target.
It sounds like you guys have a good connection and enjoy each other. You have been through sooooo much and it’s an even that changes you and of course him as well. He chose to cheat instead of dealing with his emotions. He will have a TON of emotions around all of it as well. Have either of you thought about getting a therapist or working with a coach on your own?
I’m wondering if he is the kind of guy that just runs away vs. really facing what he is feeling. Is that a common pattern you noticed about him over the years?
I know you want him back. The thing is, your relationship needs to function differently for that to even be a possibility. Your insecurities need to be dealt with, his feelings about his struggles need to be dealt with. You both probably could learn how to communicate better. Have you looked at the “Relationship Rewrite Method” yet?
Heidi
Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
Hi Leyla! I want to support what both Kanya and Fuzzy have mentioned. It’s so important to be yourself. Wear something that helps you feel beautiful and connect to the amazing person you are.
And Fuzzy is correct when she says to trust yourself as well. When it comes down to it, whatever guidance we may offer, they are just suggestions. You will do what you do in person. Sometimes your own guidance and intuition will create more chaos and sometimes it won’t. Take what we say and make it your own. Use it or don’t use it. Ultimately this is about you staying connected to yourself, your vision, your self love no matter what happens…mistakes and all!
I’m glad you have some type of answer prepared in case he asks about the mis-carriage. Like Kanya said, there may be some emotions that come up, but that’s okay too! You need to see that he can handle that anyways.
It sounds like he is slowly coming around and interested in re-connecting. This is wonderful!!!! Keep doing what you are doing! I’m excited to hear about your hangout!!!
Heidi
Hi Kanika!
Okay…this makes a little more sense. If he is feeling really guilty, that will definitely get in the way. It sounds like he really enjoys you, but his guilt is the wall.
When someone holds onto “punishing” themselves (which is what guilt is), it is a HUGE barrier to move forward with someone else. He most likely will be struggling with trusting himself to NOT hurt you. This guilt will be telling him that he is “not enough” and he “messed up” so therefore he will not feel good enough for you, because he feels bad about himself right now.
This is something that will take some time to get through. Is there a possibility of just slowing things down? Can you take the pressure of “marriage” off the table just for right now? It may help him feel like he has some time to work through what he is feeling and then come back to you with a more clear head. In the meantime, staying in touch and talking and building that friendship is so important anyways, maybe just focusing on that will help you through this. The best thing you can do right now is to give him some space and honor what he is feeling. Asking him to want to marry you while he is still feeling guilty about his last relationship is just too much for him. So why not support him. It’s okay for him to feel what he needs to. As a good partner, you are there to help him through whatever is happening and vice versa. This is a good time to practice, right?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I am not sure I understand what your question is. The “magic” text you may be referring to is the hero instinct text. You text saying “I need your help” which activates the hero instinct and then you ask for help with something. It’s a technique that is used to help connection possibly happen again.
Can you share some of your personal situation so we can offer more specific guidance?Heidi
Perfect Leyla!
You handled that so well! Good responses, good compliments, good use of making him feel good about helping you! You are totally getting it! AND…he asked you out and even flirted a bit! This is great!!!
So now, when you meet him, continue to take a back seat and let him lead you with the pace. Help him feel comfortable with you again. Help him feel that deep connection with you again. Be flirty, keep it light and fun….nothing too deep unless he leads you there. At the end, don’t ask when you are going to see him again (if you are tempted). Remember, he has responded to you giving him more space, so keep giving it to him for right now and allow him to go at his pace and chase you a bit.
I’m wondering if he is going to bring up the miscarriage thing. I think it would be smart to be prepared for that, just in case. How do you feel about talking about it with him? Are you clear with what you would say about it?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
OH! I was saying that I agreed with your approach about just using a coaching for right now. It’s working…you are feeling better, happier and designing your life in a way that helping you to enjoy life a lot more.
Yes…Paris is a little far…lolHeidi
Leyla!
This is great news! I’m so happy to hear that he is responding to you and has asked to see you! Where are you meeting him and what are you guys doing?? Do you think it is a date or does it feel more casual and you are just meeting to catch up??
This is exciting!!
Heidi
Totally agree! You are EXACTLY where you need to be right now. Your formula is working for you, so you have found your sweet spot!
You would be so fun to have coffee with!!!
Heidi
Hi Fuzzy,
I find your perspective really interesting! You are a different set of eyes and background and see all of this in a very different way than how Kanya and I see it. There is no right or wrong to any of it, but I always appreciate someone else’s eyes.
BOTH Kanya and I would agree with you 100%. NOTHING is black and white…guiding people towards their inner wisdom is ALWAYS our goal and intent. There is no specific way to make that happen for any one person. Each person is so different and that is where we both have to maneuver all the differences that show up on a daily basis, with the VERY LIMITED information we receive. I remember when I first started working here. I had such a difficult time trying to offer guidance without ever knowing or seeing the person and knowing that I was only being given 1 side of the situation. How the heck could I offer any good advice with just a few paragraphs of information??? It’s been an interesting adventure for me….and I will completely admit to having coming across judgmental sometimes, because I was judging. We all have judgments, on a daily basis, about how we think situations should go and how people should behave. You are judging me and Kanya. You feel we should be handling this differently, which is absolutely your right to feel that way! And I will take your perspective into consideration. I find, even in criticism, if I don’t fully understand or even agree with what is being said, there is ALWAYS truth to be found in it, so thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!
Is there anything else we can help you with? Usually people come onto the forum because they would like guidance with something.
Heidi
Hi Kanika,
Give it some time. Arranged marriages are incredibly scary for both people. How old are both of you? Is marriage still in the plans? I’m not sure I understand accurately. I thought and agreement for an arranged marriage, a date would be set and wedding plans start to move forward…but it sounds like that is not the case for you guys. Can you explain a little further? Does he have a choice NOT to marry you?
Again…have some patience. You both are still getting to know each other quite a bit. I have no doubt he is incredibly nervous. A part of him probably isn’t sure he is fit or ready to be a husband quite yet. He is in the USA where arranged marriages is not a common thing or part of the culture, whereas it’s much more normal in India. He is surrounded by people with a very different view about life compared to you. Are there plans for him to move back to India or you move there?
I think most of all, just supporting him and giving him space will be helpful. Have you asked him how he is feeling? Have you asked him why he has started to doubt things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Coaches are great! they are much more present / future based. A therapist would be the type of person you would want to work with when / if you feel like dissecting your walls a bit more. A therapist goes much deeper than a coach. I understand it didn’t work for you last, but there are MANY different forms of therapy and each practitioner has a different skillset. It took me a good year and trying out over 6 different therapists until I landed on the one that had the skillset I was looking for and the one that inspired the healing and growth in me that I was needing. So don’t give up on the that idea. Just be open in the back of your mind. Right now, you sound like you are in such an incredible place. What you are doing and choosing in your life is working for you right now and I LOVE THAT!!! I agree with Kanya! You are a warrior Goddess!!!!
Heidi
Okay great! Yes…that’s him continuing the conversation.
So you respond with something like, “I figured…it’s like that in any industry. That’s why you are so helpful, because I wouldn’t know the difference. Is there any website or person on youtube you suggest I start following? I do have a lot to learn, but I’m really excited about it.”
Then…he will most likely reply and see where it goes from there. I’m thinking a good next question might be something along the lines of “I’m curious….what got you into lifting weights in the first place?” That’s a good way to keep the conversation going…but play it by ear and make sure he is staying engaged.
Heidi
Hello!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know how hard it is to love someone so much and not have it work out.
Would you mind sharing more details?
1. Why wasn’t he feeling like a man? What happened in the last few years that made him feel this way?
2. Did he give reasons for wanting a divorce? Getting this new job is not the reason. It may appear to be the reason, but there is something much deeper going on for him. Have you talked about it on a deeper level with each other?
3. Did you feel happy with your marriage? I know you love him, but it doesn’t mean the relationship was nourishing and wonderful. How do YOU feel about the relationship and how it functioned?Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
