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Hi EB,
Yes, anyone can hop onto this post and offer their viewpoints and opinions. There is nothing special they have to do, they just have to click on this particular thread and offer their ideas / opinions.
I am going to agree with Kanya. Whenever you are communicating a need you have, being direct and clear is what works best. There are no guessing games. As you already experienced, saying “Show me….” you said he had a confused response. That lets you know he doesn’t understand your perspective. How you said it basically is telling him that he is not showing you enough. From his perspective, he is giving you the very valuable, precious time he DOES have left and that IS showing you. When you tell someone they are not doing enough, it can cause someone to get defensive, confused etc. and that is NOT the response you want from him. You want to INSPIRE him, not to confuse him. And that is where being direct and authentic is important. So to re-iterate Kanya’s approach, you can say something like, “I really love hanging out with you and getting to know you. You make me laugh, I feel happy and I find myself wanting to hang out with you more. It’s hard for me sometimes to be patient. I know you are busy and offer me all the time that you have left and I appreciate that. I just wanted you to know that I really enjoy being around you and if you ever have any extra time, count me in.”
Give it some time. Your relationship is still soooo new. It can take time, on a man’s side, to give priority to a woman over the other things in his life. Men typically move slower than women and that’s a good thing!!
Have you ever tried the Marco Polo app? That might be a fun way to connect, more than texting, to help you feel like your needs are being met more.
Maybe you can have the talk about how he is feeling in this relationship and his thoughts about it. It sounds like you both are on different pages and different speeds, so understand where he is coming from vs. asking for more from him, would be another good place to start discussing the topic of seeing each other more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
What a great question! I love that you are keeping all of your options open and just walking through all that doors that show up!
Here are the questions you need to ask and then you will find your answers about what would be best for you.
Remember how I told you that our surroundings…the people, the job etc. are a reflection of what is inside of us? So if you look at him in the same way, he gave you a lot of info. letting you know what he has attracted into his life. He stayed with a woman for 5 years (knowing he “couldn’t” love her and she was physically abusive), he gave his heart and fell “in love” with a woman who had a TON of drama and baggage….he is attracting the type of women who are not healthy emotionally. Now…that’s no big deal as we all are learning and growing…what I would want to know, more than anything, is what has he done to face his pattern of what he is attracting? Does he even recognize the pattern of his choices? What is he doing to face himself and his choices?
If the last relationship that lasted 5 years, was recent, I wouldn’t give this guy much energy. If it happened awhile ago, there might be some potential IF he was growing and working on himself and is showing some emotional intelligence around the subject.
Otherwise, yes…you would be walking into another situation with a guy who is not emotionally clear enough, to offer you the kind of love and connection you are able to offer.Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Erika!
Welcome and thank you for sharing your challenges with us!
I’m really curious. You said a few times that you think this guy could be “the one.” I am wondering what makes you think that. I know you have strong feelings for him, but that is not the only thing that determines whether or not someone is marriage material. What you guys have is chemistry and that’s important, but far from what will ever keep a relationship being sustainable and healthy. So share more details with me about what makes you think he is a long term person for you. What keeps you going back to him despite the dysfunction?
I don’t know about the other arguments you have had with him, but from what you explained about the most recent argument tells me he most likely is carrying around A LOT of anger. This actually reminds me of a relationship I had in college. He drove me nuts in BOTH directions and vice versa. We had so much passion, laughter and connection, but we also fought with passion and way too often. I felt like I couldn’t say ANYTHING without him turning it into something about him (just like your recent argument). Eventually, about a year down the road, his anger started getting worse and he started hitting things around me. I never felt threatened as I didn’t believe he was capable of touching me in a harmful way. Then one time he got too close. He hit something close enough to me that I freaked out. Loooong story short, I told him he needed counseling and I was out. He did counseling and about 3 months in, he really began to process his anger. We gave it another shot (we were off and on for 3 years) and never again did he hit anything. He resolved a layer of anger, but unfortunately there were soooo many layers that we still argued quite a bit. He is the ONLY guy I fought with like that. Every other relationship I was so much more of a peaceful person. I, of course, had my issues that I brought to the table, so what I had to come to terms with, is that I didn’t want to work that hard at a relationship. Our mixture of chemistry and energy just wasn’t peaceful. It was passionate for sure, but very far from peaceful. It wasn’t healthy and that’s what I had to come to terms with.
If his responses are what I think they are, he basically is FULL of all kinds of hurt about whatever has gone on in his past. He sounds like he is not a forgiving person, therefore he would be holding onto everything in his subconscious in a GIANT bubble. One little thing that feels like rejection or hurt or abandonment or blame…will activate that bubble and cause and explosive reaction. He is THAT sensitive fragile.
Here is the reality. The most skilled person would get EXHAUSTED dealing with someone like that. Of course there are things you can do to change and better communicate and understand him more, but that still does not change that HE NEEDS HELP. He is carrying around so much junk inside. He doesn’t even have the ability to listen to you. He gets so taken over by his emotions that you don’t exist anymore. His feelings are all that exist in the room. How you guys are functioning is NOT sustainable and NOT healthy. It is quite damaging to both of you. What will begin to happen more and more is you will slowly shrink and avoid saying things that you really need to be saying, in order to avoid an argument. You will start to live in ways that avoid arguments vs. feeling completely comfortable being whomever and whatever you truly are.
This is not something for YOU to fix. You can’t. Only he can fix himself. You can fix yourself though. Something in you is not valuing or loving yourself very well that you keep stepping into a relationship where the guy blames you for HIS feelings and is quite angry. Is there anything you can connect back to in your life that would help you understand why you are choosing a situation like this for yourself?
I’m so sorry. I KNOW how difficult this is. I understand the wonderful attraction and I have no doubt that when things are good, they are really wonderful. I wish that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, what matters most in a relationship and what studies tell us, is that it is how you treat each other in the worst moments, that determine the success and health in a relationship. Sustainable relationships treat each other with respect, even in the worst, most hurtful times….something you guys are missing.
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Well…you can always tell him that you are have moved into friend territory in your mind. Then you show him by treating him like you would any other friend. You respond when you can, you don’t have reactions whether or not he responds back, you touch base every once in awhile….those are just ideas. I don’t know exactly how you guys interact now, but compare it to how you interact with your other friends and move it in that direction.
As far as the hornets nest, I mean “chaos.” If he is telling the truth, you would be stepping into a situation where his ex most likely would wreak havoc if she knew he was dating you and you would get caught up in the craziness of it all. If he is lying, you would stepping into an abusive relationship. Either way, it would be chaotic and full of drama and hurt….therefore a hornets nest. Make sense?
For the future…whenever you see a sign of something…it’s important to just notice it at first. Just pay attention to what it could possibly mean and then look for other signs to support it. Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So for example. If a guy is good about texting you back within a few hours during the week, then on the weekend, he might text you hours later or even wait until the next day, that would make me think he is really busy on the weekends and possibly going on dates or something. I would wait to see if that became a pattern on the weekends. I would then also try and set up a date on the weekends to see if he is open to that. So basically, you want to try and gather more information about a “sign” you think you are seeing before confronting the person about it in a brand new situation. Once you feel you have a few situations or instances where that “sign” has shown up, it can’t hurt to ask directly. When you ask though, it needs to have a curious tone about it, so they don’t feel defensive. You can say something like, “So I notice you are a lot less available on the weekends. Teach me about you. Is the weekend a time you like to just keep to yourself?”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
I am wondering if he is disconnecting because he leaving in 3 months or so. It sounds like you both had a really wonderful connection. So I think your assessment of being scared to commit and fall in love again is accurate as well. That, combined with leaving the country in a few months, would be a really good reason to disconnect and pull away.
Have you ever directly asked him about it? Were you thinking you guys would stay in touch and maybe keep “dating” even after he moves?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand there is a strong connection there for you and you want a committed relationship with this guy. He sounds good on paper for sure! There are sooooo many things you DON”T know about him though. You don’t know what he is like when he is angry and how he will treat you. You don’t know what he is like sexually, you haven’t seen him parent, you don’t know what his weaknesses and limitations are. I would caution you to really get to know ALL of those things before trying to get him into a serious relationship with you. He needs to know those things about you as well. That takes time and that is something he isn’t willing to give you right now. Maybe at some point it will shift, but I want to support what Kanya said and encourage you to keep dating. It is a struggle. You are not alone though. It’s hard for many people, but don’t give up! Keep moving forward and staying open to new possibilities showing up, as the current guy is not a possibility. He needs to get his life in order before he is for anybody.
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
I’m glad you are coming to this realization. It’s hard, no doubt!
I would suggest you do create closure though. It’s important you communicate to him that you are pulling away and that you need him to respect your boundaries. He just needs to know what is going on since you are going to be changing the relationship. No need to talk to him in person or make it a conversation. I think it would be easy for him to talk you into keeping it the way it is. So just sending a text will help you say what you need to say.
You can say something like, “It’s time for me to let go of the idea of you and me. How we interact with each other is wonderful and obviously you know I want more with you. I respect your need to keep some boundaries up and keep me at a distance. I have decided to move on now. It’s time for me to let my heart disconnect and heal. It hurts too much. I reached my limit. Please respect my choice by no longer contacting me. I need the time and space to heal.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Julianne,
Maybe he was doing it on purpose, maybe he wasn’t. It doesn’t matter which one it is, it just matters that it happened in the first place. He is not to be trusted with your heart, regardless.
I imagine he will be reaching out quite a bit since he got let go. What a difficult thing! He will be wanting / needing your friendship right now quite a bit. Be careful. He will be seeking comfort and you are definitely someone who makes him feel better. It will be an easy situation to fall back into.
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
Just a few questions. How long have you guys been dating?
Basically he is saying that YOU need to be more difficult to catch. If you behave in a way that says, “You have to earn my attention. You have to WORK to keep my attention. You have to earn the right to get to be with my body. You have to treat me in a way that shows me you deserve to be in my presence and have my heart.” That mentality is basically putting a man in “hunt” mode. It keeps them engaged and interested. If you so easily said you were in love with him (from his perspective) he may feel the hunt is over. So you can re-activate his hunting need, by being unavailable more. Less attentive, less responsive and keep busy. Don’t respond to texts right away. When he asks you to come over, tell him you can’t…you have plans. If he asks you to come over and you know it’s for sex, tell him no, but if he wants to see you, he can take you to dinner.
The concept here is about YOU setting standards of how you are treated. I’m not really sure how much he is invested in you. If he is losing interest after having sex with you, I question how much he really like YOU vs. liking the “hunt.”
Can you share more details about your relationship and how he treated you, how you responded. Were you always available for him? Did he initiate talking with you a lot and going on dates with you? What did he say when you told him that yes, you were in love with him?
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
I am so sorry! Ouch!
Of course it’s hurting. He is not REALLY treating your heart with the utmost care and respect and honor. You are not either. You are choosing a design of friends with benefits just so you can feel connection…but at what cost? He is not forgiving you, he is not investing in you, but what he is doing is being your friend and getting to have sex. It’s a guy’s perfect scenario! Especially at his age! I’m have no doubt he has feelings for you, but it doesn’t change that he is not willing to commit. As long as you keep participating in this design where you guys connect every single day and have sex…which is basically behaving like you are a couple….then you are not treating yourself with kindness, respect and with high regard. If you don’t treat yourself that way, how can you expect anyone else to treat you that way. You are the one that sets the standard of how you are to be treated and anyone else will fall in line with that…or not.
At this point, there is no way to be just friends. Your feelings are too strong. He is so young and it would be good for him to go explore and go live his life and try on different scenarios. Maybe at some point he will come back to you! But for now, you need to take a step back and let him be who he is. He is so young and has soooooo much to learn about life. The 20’s is a BIG time for development and figuring out who the heck you are. Even if he did want to be with you and you guys got married…it wouldn’t be unusual for him to feel like he “missed out” much later on in life. It would be a BIG RISK to get involved with a guy so young.
So take a step back and allow yourself to heal and let him go. I know it will hurt like crazy, but your other choice is to hurt like crazy being with him. At least being alone, the hurt will eventually heal and you will move on. Staying with him, you will just keep hurting over and over again and your heart will continually get injured. There is no end to that. So love and protect your heart enough to no longer allow someone to keep stabbing it.
Heidi
Hi Julianne,
Oh goodness! I am soooo sorry! Your poor heart is going through soooo much!
First, he is being quite dis-respectful and not very caring for you. For him to all of a sudden disconnect and start to connect with another woman that sits near you….wow…I don’t even know what to say to that except that he has very little respect for women. For him to think / believe that he can connect with you in the way he was doing, calling you his girlfriend and then one day start to hangout with another woman??? YUK! He is not connected to his own heart, therefore not connected to yours and able to care about you.
Of course you are jealous!!! She is getting the attention that he was giving you DAILY and has so easily dis-regarded. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to not having feelings for him considering everything you guys did together, how often you talked, you were intimate, you both were open and vulnerable. But this guy has no staying power. At least not now. Why? Who knows! It could be that he is scared of committing again and falling in love again. It could be that he has this pattern in his life. Either way, how he is handling this situation right now, with you, is a clear sign that you need to run FAR away from him. He DOES NOT deserve to be anywhere near your heart. Your heart is precious and sacred and he has just thrown it down on the ground and dis-regarded it like it was nothing. He will do the same thing to this woman and the next etc.
It’s important for you to value your heart in the same way. Any man should be EARNING THE RIGHT to get to know you and be inside that special place of heart connection. The moment you enter into a friends with benefits situation, you are rejecting that idea and just handing over your body and heart without regard to the consequences. And it’s okay that you do that, it’s just important to be connected and aware of the choices you are making and understanding why you are choosing a design like that. There are many lessons for us in the choices we make.
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way. I have no doubt you were hoping for more and to continue down that road. I suggest you message him or talk to him and set some boundaries and let him know how you feel….In a respectful way.
You can say something like, “It’s time for a re-design. I’ve decided to go my own way and really focus on healing and working on myself. What you are and I were doing is not okay for me anymore. Your choice to disconnect this past week and starting to hand out with and flirt with Susie is hurtful, but it helped wake me up and realize that what I have been doing with you is not what I REALLY want to be doing. I’m not interested anymore in half-hearted connection. I see that you are and that’s okay. It’s just not something I will participate in.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Richa,
It sounds like you are still holding on and not really ready to be friends with him. You want more, despite him not wanting more. He is definitely sending mixed messages, which makes it THAT much more difficult to let him go. It really sounds like you both had a strong connection with each other and that it hasn’t really disappeared.
Here is the thing. It’s important for you to get VERY clear and deal with the present moment. In the present moment, he has backed off and said he does not want a relationship. So with that information, is he someone you still want to pursue and chase? Or are you wanting to move on with your life?
If you want to keep trying, then keeping your distance and becoming more unavailable may help. My guess is though…the moment you become available and connective again, he will run and again say he doesn’t want a relationship. But maybe you need to go through that again to find out. It’s like Kanya said…it’s not an exact science. Your intuition is going to be important here. You will need to sense when it would be a good time to be playful and even a tad bit flirty (not a lot…just a little…like a smile or something or a touch of the arm), but then follow it with becoming unavailable again. It’s a way to let the guy know there is interest by being playful and friendly and a tad flirty, but then also by backing away and being less available tells them they need to work for it. Does this make more sense and help? I agree with Kanya. Be available sometimes, but not all the time. Do not make him a priority over the rest of your life. He needs to know you have a life…that is VERY attractive to most men.
You want to feel centered and confident when you interact with him. If you are around him or interact with him, it’s about remembering that YOU ARE WORTH A MILLION BUCKS! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE GOLD AND HE IS LUCKY TO KNOW YOU! When you don’t have the kind of energy, men can feel that. So if you are worried and nervous about being awkward and how to behave, you have the energy of a baby dear trying walk….unsure, confused, wobbly, frail. Men do not respond well to that kind of energy. Most men love a woman who is confident. So be your confident self when you interact with him. So what if he isn’t ready for a relationship. So what if he doesn’t have feelings for you. It doesn’t change your value and how spectacular you are!!! It’s you losing site of that, when you interact with him, that makes things awkward and uncomfortable. Make sense?
Does this help?
Heidi
That’s right! I remember you mentioning having done therapy work before.
It sounds like you have come a loooong way from where you started. Doing the kind of work you did, is not easy. It sounds like you really got the hang of it and now…you are so much more grounded and centered with your life.
When it comes to love and relationships…man…it’s a tough subject. It is sooooo layered and full of many, many things….simply because it’s love. And it will ALWAYS be a trigger in one form or another. You will find your guy and fall in love and then a whole different set of challenges will show up right?? lol. Even though I have 1 driver right now when it comes to who I date and invite into my life, I have no doubt that when my guy shows up, I will see my 2 drivers again. Love is a forever, evolving, limitless pool of the most expansive feelings and experiences…both beautiful and challenging. You are on the right path though! You are working on it and that’s all anyone can ever do. You are a pleasure to know!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
The more comfortable you are with the situation, the more comfortable he will be. Accepting that for right now, it’s just going to be friendship will help him know he can relax as well.
It’s smart to keep your distance if you are not able keep your feelings in check and treat him as a friend. Give yourself some time and allow your heart to heal and separate from him, then maybe you will be able to be friends with him. I know in the past, there was a guy I was so strongly attracted to, but he wasn’t available. No matter strong I felt in myself away from him, every time I saw him, I just melted. So…I eventually decided to just stay away all together and not even attempt at trying to be friends.
Do you know anything more about the domestic abuse case his ex filed against him? That is a non-negotiable thing in a relationship. Do you know if it’s true? Did he mention at all about how he felt about it?
Now that you mentioned that, I can see why his divorce is so stressful. You would be stepping into a hornets nest if you got involved with him!!
Are you able to agree, with your heart and your mind, that you are going to let go of the idea of him? You may not “feel” it, but do you at least agree that is the path you want to take?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Bingo! There is a great target to work with. The fascinating thing about the brain is that it stories memory in state specific form. Meaning, if you felt “not wanted” at 5 years old, it stores in the brain at a 5 year old mentality and stays that way forever…unless you deal with it. So…whenever we are looking at our patterns and our woundedness, the wounded part is usually a young part…young thinking, young behavior….impulsive….reactive…which is how children behave. At 5, you are still very egosyntonic…which basically means everything that is happening around you, is because of you. So you believed at 5 that your parents got divorced because of you. That is a very natural way for a 5 year old to think…but because you absorbed, it then became what I personally call a “bubble.” Each bubble will represent different emotions and many times can merge together. So let’s call this bubble the “rejection bubble.” You felt not wanted, so the rejection bubble gets created. Then, the next time you feel rejected in your life, whether at school, parents etc…that energy gets stored in the rejection bubble. Then it happens again and again and again. So the rejection bubble gets bigger and bigger and bigger. That bubble essentially is full of lies, yet they are beliefs you have about yourself…beliefs that are child-like. You also, along the way…develop your adult self. Your self that knows differently. Your self that is able to think and feel and belief in truth. Your self that has fully developed abstract thinking, spirituality, emotional intelligence etc. So….here are your 2 drivers now. Your adult self and your child self. Whenever we see patterns that keep showing up in our lives, it’s a sign that the child self, the bubble of that category, is pretty big. It’s the child that ends up choosing the relationships, not the adult. So that’s where healing and self love come in. Healing is what deals with the child energy and beliefs and removing that lies. Then the bubble gets smaller and smaller over time, and the adult energy gets stronger and stronger…..THEN….you have your adult choosing your relationships and not the child anymore, because the adult is in the driver’s seat.
Goodness…I have diagrams that I draw to explain this much better. I’m going to stop there to see if this makes sense and you are following what I am saying. It’s hard to explain it this way! lol.
And in regards to past lives, maybe at some point it will interest you. You can go to my website at http://www.heidigoodrich.com and look at the “Akashic Records.” I’m still working on developing my site, as much has changed for me in the past 3-4 months, but it can give you insight. The Akashic Records is a way to help you heal past life experiences / energies / karma / contracts that are influencing your current life. Some people feel ready to get that piece of it, some don’t. I just want to expose you to the possibility of that….
Heidi
