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Hi Julianne,
Maybe he was doing it on purpose, maybe he wasn’t. It doesn’t matter which one it is, it just matters that it happened in the first place. He is not to be trusted with your heart, regardless.
I imagine he will be reaching out quite a bit since he got let go. What a difficult thing! He will be wanting / needing your friendship right now quite a bit. Be careful. He will be seeking comfort and you are definitely someone who makes him feel better. It will be an easy situation to fall back into.
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
Just a few questions. How long have you guys been dating?
Basically he is saying that YOU need to be more difficult to catch. If you behave in a way that says, “You have to earn my attention. You have to WORK to keep my attention. You have to earn the right to get to be with my body. You have to treat me in a way that shows me you deserve to be in my presence and have my heart.” That mentality is basically putting a man in “hunt” mode. It keeps them engaged and interested. If you so easily said you were in love with him (from his perspective) he may feel the hunt is over. So you can re-activate his hunting need, by being unavailable more. Less attentive, less responsive and keep busy. Don’t respond to texts right away. When he asks you to come over, tell him you can’t…you have plans. If he asks you to come over and you know it’s for sex, tell him no, but if he wants to see you, he can take you to dinner.
The concept here is about YOU setting standards of how you are treated. I’m not really sure how much he is invested in you. If he is losing interest after having sex with you, I question how much he really like YOU vs. liking the “hunt.”
Can you share more details about your relationship and how he treated you, how you responded. Were you always available for him? Did he initiate talking with you a lot and going on dates with you? What did he say when you told him that yes, you were in love with him?
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
I am so sorry! Ouch!
Of course it’s hurting. He is not REALLY treating your heart with the utmost care and respect and honor. You are not either. You are choosing a design of friends with benefits just so you can feel connection…but at what cost? He is not forgiving you, he is not investing in you, but what he is doing is being your friend and getting to have sex. It’s a guy’s perfect scenario! Especially at his age! I’m have no doubt he has feelings for you, but it doesn’t change that he is not willing to commit. As long as you keep participating in this design where you guys connect every single day and have sex…which is basically behaving like you are a couple….then you are not treating yourself with kindness, respect and with high regard. If you don’t treat yourself that way, how can you expect anyone else to treat you that way. You are the one that sets the standard of how you are to be treated and anyone else will fall in line with that…or not.
At this point, there is no way to be just friends. Your feelings are too strong. He is so young and it would be good for him to go explore and go live his life and try on different scenarios. Maybe at some point he will come back to you! But for now, you need to take a step back and let him be who he is. He is so young and has soooooo much to learn about life. The 20’s is a BIG time for development and figuring out who the heck you are. Even if he did want to be with you and you guys got married…it wouldn’t be unusual for him to feel like he “missed out” much later on in life. It would be a BIG RISK to get involved with a guy so young.
So take a step back and allow yourself to heal and let him go. I know it will hurt like crazy, but your other choice is to hurt like crazy being with him. At least being alone, the hurt will eventually heal and you will move on. Staying with him, you will just keep hurting over and over again and your heart will continually get injured. There is no end to that. So love and protect your heart enough to no longer allow someone to keep stabbing it.
Heidi
Hi Julianne,
Oh goodness! I am soooo sorry! Your poor heart is going through soooo much!
First, he is being quite dis-respectful and not very caring for you. For him to all of a sudden disconnect and start to connect with another woman that sits near you….wow…I don’t even know what to say to that except that he has very little respect for women. For him to think / believe that he can connect with you in the way he was doing, calling you his girlfriend and then one day start to hangout with another woman??? YUK! He is not connected to his own heart, therefore not connected to yours and able to care about you.
Of course you are jealous!!! She is getting the attention that he was giving you DAILY and has so easily dis-regarded. It’s IMPOSSIBLE for you to not having feelings for him considering everything you guys did together, how often you talked, you were intimate, you both were open and vulnerable. But this guy has no staying power. At least not now. Why? Who knows! It could be that he is scared of committing again and falling in love again. It could be that he has this pattern in his life. Either way, how he is handling this situation right now, with you, is a clear sign that you need to run FAR away from him. He DOES NOT deserve to be anywhere near your heart. Your heart is precious and sacred and he has just thrown it down on the ground and dis-regarded it like it was nothing. He will do the same thing to this woman and the next etc.
It’s important for you to value your heart in the same way. Any man should be EARNING THE RIGHT to get to know you and be inside that special place of heart connection. The moment you enter into a friends with benefits situation, you are rejecting that idea and just handing over your body and heart without regard to the consequences. And it’s okay that you do that, it’s just important to be connected and aware of the choices you are making and understanding why you are choosing a design like that. There are many lessons for us in the choices we make.
I’m so sorry it has turned out this way. I have no doubt you were hoping for more and to continue down that road. I suggest you message him or talk to him and set some boundaries and let him know how you feel….In a respectful way.
You can say something like, “It’s time for a re-design. I’ve decided to go my own way and really focus on healing and working on myself. What you are and I were doing is not okay for me anymore. Your choice to disconnect this past week and starting to hand out with and flirt with Susie is hurtful, but it helped wake me up and realize that what I have been doing with you is not what I REALLY want to be doing. I’m not interested anymore in half-hearted connection. I see that you are and that’s okay. It’s just not something I will participate in.”
How does something like that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Richa,
It sounds like you are still holding on and not really ready to be friends with him. You want more, despite him not wanting more. He is definitely sending mixed messages, which makes it THAT much more difficult to let him go. It really sounds like you both had a strong connection with each other and that it hasn’t really disappeared.
Here is the thing. It’s important for you to get VERY clear and deal with the present moment. In the present moment, he has backed off and said he does not want a relationship. So with that information, is he someone you still want to pursue and chase? Or are you wanting to move on with your life?
If you want to keep trying, then keeping your distance and becoming more unavailable may help. My guess is though…the moment you become available and connective again, he will run and again say he doesn’t want a relationship. But maybe you need to go through that again to find out. It’s like Kanya said…it’s not an exact science. Your intuition is going to be important here. You will need to sense when it would be a good time to be playful and even a tad bit flirty (not a lot…just a little…like a smile or something or a touch of the arm), but then follow it with becoming unavailable again. It’s a way to let the guy know there is interest by being playful and friendly and a tad flirty, but then also by backing away and being less available tells them they need to work for it. Does this make more sense and help? I agree with Kanya. Be available sometimes, but not all the time. Do not make him a priority over the rest of your life. He needs to know you have a life…that is VERY attractive to most men.
You want to feel centered and confident when you interact with him. If you are around him or interact with him, it’s about remembering that YOU ARE WORTH A MILLION BUCKS! YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE GOLD AND HE IS LUCKY TO KNOW YOU! When you don’t have the kind of energy, men can feel that. So if you are worried and nervous about being awkward and how to behave, you have the energy of a baby dear trying walk….unsure, confused, wobbly, frail. Men do not respond well to that kind of energy. Most men love a woman who is confident. So be your confident self when you interact with him. So what if he isn’t ready for a relationship. So what if he doesn’t have feelings for you. It doesn’t change your value and how spectacular you are!!! It’s you losing site of that, when you interact with him, that makes things awkward and uncomfortable. Make sense?
Does this help?
Heidi
That’s right! I remember you mentioning having done therapy work before.
It sounds like you have come a loooong way from where you started. Doing the kind of work you did, is not easy. It sounds like you really got the hang of it and now…you are so much more grounded and centered with your life.
When it comes to love and relationships…man…it’s a tough subject. It is sooooo layered and full of many, many things….simply because it’s love. And it will ALWAYS be a trigger in one form or another. You will find your guy and fall in love and then a whole different set of challenges will show up right?? lol. Even though I have 1 driver right now when it comes to who I date and invite into my life, I have no doubt that when my guy shows up, I will see my 2 drivers again. Love is a forever, evolving, limitless pool of the most expansive feelings and experiences…both beautiful and challenging. You are on the right path though! You are working on it and that’s all anyone can ever do. You are a pleasure to know!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
The more comfortable you are with the situation, the more comfortable he will be. Accepting that for right now, it’s just going to be friendship will help him know he can relax as well.
It’s smart to keep your distance if you are not able keep your feelings in check and treat him as a friend. Give yourself some time and allow your heart to heal and separate from him, then maybe you will be able to be friends with him. I know in the past, there was a guy I was so strongly attracted to, but he wasn’t available. No matter strong I felt in myself away from him, every time I saw him, I just melted. So…I eventually decided to just stay away all together and not even attempt at trying to be friends.
Do you know anything more about the domestic abuse case his ex filed against him? That is a non-negotiable thing in a relationship. Do you know if it’s true? Did he mention at all about how he felt about it?
Now that you mentioned that, I can see why his divorce is so stressful. You would be stepping into a hornets nest if you got involved with him!!
Are you able to agree, with your heart and your mind, that you are going to let go of the idea of him? You may not “feel” it, but do you at least agree that is the path you want to take?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Bingo! There is a great target to work with. The fascinating thing about the brain is that it stories memory in state specific form. Meaning, if you felt “not wanted” at 5 years old, it stores in the brain at a 5 year old mentality and stays that way forever…unless you deal with it. So…whenever we are looking at our patterns and our woundedness, the wounded part is usually a young part…young thinking, young behavior….impulsive….reactive…which is how children behave. At 5, you are still very egosyntonic…which basically means everything that is happening around you, is because of you. So you believed at 5 that your parents got divorced because of you. That is a very natural way for a 5 year old to think…but because you absorbed, it then became what I personally call a “bubble.” Each bubble will represent different emotions and many times can merge together. So let’s call this bubble the “rejection bubble.” You felt not wanted, so the rejection bubble gets created. Then, the next time you feel rejected in your life, whether at school, parents etc…that energy gets stored in the rejection bubble. Then it happens again and again and again. So the rejection bubble gets bigger and bigger and bigger. That bubble essentially is full of lies, yet they are beliefs you have about yourself…beliefs that are child-like. You also, along the way…develop your adult self. Your self that knows differently. Your self that is able to think and feel and belief in truth. Your self that has fully developed abstract thinking, spirituality, emotional intelligence etc. So….here are your 2 drivers now. Your adult self and your child self. Whenever we see patterns that keep showing up in our lives, it’s a sign that the child self, the bubble of that category, is pretty big. It’s the child that ends up choosing the relationships, not the adult. So that’s where healing and self love come in. Healing is what deals with the child energy and beliefs and removing that lies. Then the bubble gets smaller and smaller over time, and the adult energy gets stronger and stronger…..THEN….you have your adult choosing your relationships and not the child anymore, because the adult is in the driver’s seat.
Goodness…I have diagrams that I draw to explain this much better. I’m going to stop there to see if this makes sense and you are following what I am saying. It’s hard to explain it this way! lol.
And in regards to past lives, maybe at some point it will interest you. You can go to my website at http://www.heidigoodrich.com and look at the “Akashic Records.” I’m still working on developing my site, as much has changed for me in the past 3-4 months, but it can give you insight. The Akashic Records is a way to help you heal past life experiences / energies / karma / contracts that are influencing your current life. Some people feel ready to get that piece of it, some don’t. I just want to expose you to the possibility of that….
Heidi
Oh! And I’m just going to throw this out there. If you don’t believe in re-incarnation and having had past lives…just dis-regard this. If you do, then…
Past lives influence us quite a bit as well. We all come to earth to learn and evolve around certain things. Therefore, situations, karma, soul contracts will show up in our lives, to teach us the lessons our soul wants to learn and master. I have found through all the work I do, that when it comes to patterns that are VERY strong, there are multiple layers influencing that pattern both from the current life as well as past lives.
Just wanted to throw that out there…
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Whew! I am so glad it was okay to say all of that. Gosh, any guy who captures your heart mentally, physically and spiritually….will be one lucky dude!!! You are quite the unusually “full” package and deserve to find a guy who offers you the same.
So here is “why” there are 2 drivers for someone instead of just 1: first…it can be in different categories. For example, I have 1 driver when it comes to dating and relationships and the kind of people I let into my life (I used to have 2 for a loooong time – took a lot of work to get to 1 driver). But when it comes to my health and fitness, I have 2 drivers (working on it all the time until I get to 1 driver). People might have 2 drivers when it comes to their finances. It’s whenever there is a split between how they truly want to be (their best self) and the choices they actually end up making (the sabotage self). Whomever is in charge at the moment and in the driver seat, will depend on how centered and connected to the truth that person is at the time.
When we get disconnected from the truth, we seek ways (outside of ourselves) to meet our needs and self soothe so to speak. When I am stressed, I LOOOOVE sugar and chocolate. I’m self soothing and finding a way to bring pleasure into my life, because I am not connected to the truth that I am okay, I am loveable, I am resilient. I can say in my head all I want, but my actions show me I am not BEING that, feeling it nor believing it. I’m needing the sugar for pleasure because I am disconnected. When we get disconnected from the truth, we are not in self love. Every single thing we do to sabotage ourselves, in whatever way, is letting us know we are not in self love. We are disconnected from our best, highest self that is connected to divine / source energy which is the truth of who we really are. (not sure of your spiritual beliefs or if you even have any).
So….basically, every situation and person that shows up in your life is a reflection of energy, thoughts, beliefs you are holding inside of yourself (subconsciously). Here is the message it is telling you (it’s usually 1 of these 2 options, but sometimes it is both). I will just use you as an example of your pattern:
1. The guys you attract are showing you how you treat yourself and others. They are emotionally unavailable, therefore you are emotionally available and they are reflecting back to you what it feels like and looks like. Why are you emotionally unavailable? That is your journey….usually it comes from not feeling safe….someone along the way taught you that.
2. The guys you attract are reflecting back to you a belief you have about yourself. So by attracting guys who are emotionally unavailable, it is telling you that deep down, you don’t believe you are truly loveable. Deep down, there is not self love. They are rejecting you which means you are rejecting yourself. Again…you have a ton of confidence and self love…but in this particular area, your choices and what you are attracting are showing you that you need to work on self love. You are disconnected from the truth of how amazing you really are and your beauty and light and essence….when it comes to guys and dating. This is just an area of low-self esteem for you…therefore the guys you attract reflect that back to you. Think about all the common threads they have and that will show you how you are feeling as well. It tells you what energy you carry around. Again…someone taught you to be this way. Whether it was one person who is the dominant person or several people throughout your childhood when all of this develops.
When it came to guys, I definitely had BOTH. Man…it was a tough one to overcome, but finally about 10 years ago, I started to see the fruits of all my labors. Now…I am soooo happy to have 1 driver. Not to say that I can’t have a moment of splitting off, but I’ll tell you. When I’ve done that…the consequences are so high. I am EXTREMLY uncomfortable in my spirit and I have to do a lot of work to clear the energy around my choice. Before…I used to just kind of flick it away like a fly. I could tolerate it. I used to have a VERY HIGH pain tolerance. Now…my pain tolerance is very low, therefore I pay the price when I make a choice that splits me. It’s good! It keeps me in line!
Does all of this makes sense?
heidi
Hi Emilie,
It was these 2 statements that caught my attention: “I guess that when I told him that we could meet but it was in his hands as I gave him my availability, it made him step back.” That’s your brain putting a story (a box) around why he is not responding.
“Right now I have the feeling I won’t get news for some time…Not too sure about it but I feel he decides to pull away and listen to his “don’t get attached” faced.” Here is that same exact story again.
The subconscious is EXTREMLY subtle. I guarantee you think about it way more than you realize. We can have as many as 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day with 80% of them being sourced by the subconscious. Meaning…we don’t “feel” or are actually connected to those thoughts…regardless, they do have a lot of power in our lives. Just by those statements above that you made, even though you may not be “feeling” or are aware of having any kind of reaction….you are having some thoughts about him not responding to you that would go in the “rejection” category….and the rejection category holds a gazillion memories throughout our lifetime AND you just dealt with feeling rejected by the last few guys.
I know you know he is not ready and it makes perfect sense to you. AND…you feel more like yourself with him than anyone in a long time. You have agreed to a friends with benefits situation AND you really might be doing that in hopes it could turn to something more, because you crave a deeper connection….yet you agreed to a surface connection. This is where really breaking down what you want compared to your actions and choices, can open you up to deeper parts of yourself. When someone is not ALIGNED with what they want in life and what they choose, it’s a wonderful time to go down the rabbit hole of the subconscious to discover why there is a disconnect.
I’m trying to take you deeper into your subconscious and teach you the “language” and the “signs.” You have 2 drivers in your car as well, right? One driver wants a deeper connection and someone you can be yourself with and someone to grow with and someone who wants to take an un-inhibited journey with you down the path of life and love….then the other driver (who is currently driving) says “I know he can’t take that journey with me. Maybe he will one day, but for right now, this is good enough. I’m willing to settle and get what I can from the situation.”
Anyways….this may be beyond what you are willing to look at….I don’t know. I don’t have any answers…I’m just reading the “signs” or the “language” that you are giving us. I don’t know what any of it means as that is your journey to take if you want.
Hopefully this helps! At least that is my intent. You may push back against this and that’s okay! I usually don’t go down this road with anyone on this forum…it’s pretty difficult and risky over a computer…lol. Being face to face is important. You are smart though and maybe, at the very least, something will ring true for you or a seed will be planted and grow later. Who knows! Either way, I truly appreciate you being here and sharing your path with us. You are quite wonderful to talk with!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I know how hard this is, but make sure not to put any kind of story on what is happening for him. I know it’s been a bit since he responded, but maybe hasn’t “pulled back” because is wanting to create distance. Maybe something stressful happened. Men have a tendency to go into a “cave” when stress happens. They isolate inside themselves to think and solve problems. Maybe he got crazy busy with work. Maybe something happened with his phone. Maybe…..
I know you are not pushing it and waiting for him to respond, which is great! In the meantime, it is normal to predict the reasons why he is not responding. Whenever your brain goes there (it has a high need to put everything in a box it understands) just remind yourself, you don’t have any information, therefore there is no box. I know I may be nitpicking at you. It’s the small stuff like this, that is important to catch and pay attention too and work with. The small stuff matters as those are the building blocks for developing your skills in relationship. So many people jump to conclusions when the person they are dating breaks a pattern or doesn’t respond quickly. These moments are great gifts! Because although it may be a small thing in comparison, it is an opportunity to re-program how you respond to being a space of “I don’t know.” That space is one of the most uncomfortable spaces for the brain! It’s a SKILL to be able to be comfortable in the “I don’t know” space. It’s a SKILL to be able to allow yourself to be in the space of “I don’t know” and not try and get out of it with “guessing” what has happened. Does this make sense?
We are strange in a lot of ways, as humans. When you look at it logically (with the brain), you would just shake your head at all of us and how we live our lives. My coach always reminds me “The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get better and they are not set up (emotionally / spiritually) to be healthier.” I’ve seen it and experienced it a million times. I’ve seen people find exactly what they want and crave in a relationship and then mess it up! It’s why people who win the lottery will lose it all in a year or two. It’s why people will get the job of their dreams and then sabotage it somehow. It’s not the conscious part of them destroying what they want. It’s the subconscious part of them that has a TON of information and knowledge the person doesn’t have conscious access to. That’s why these small things are soooo important to pay attention. The subconscious gives us signs all over the place about what is happening on deeper levels. Most people just don’t know those signs or the language of the subconscious and then what to do about it. I’d have to say, that is my very favorite part. It’s fascinating! I’ve studied it a ton and there really is a language happening ALL THE TIME!!!! Once you understand the subconscious and what it’s trying to tell you and why….THEN it makes perfect, logical sense as to why the person is being “weird” and why the person is sabotaging exactly what they want.
I could talk about this forever! lolHeidi
but if you don’t want to get hooked…Don’t try to connect more otherwise for sure you will get hooked but might be too late
This is what I mean! He doesn’t want to get hooked, but he does. Yes, he can just eat the cake, the actual problem is, he wants to eat the cake too much! So that is why he is talking deeper and connecting deeper and not just keeping it simple. He CRAVES feeling that connection with you. He CRAVES feeling a certain way, inside of himself, that he feels when he is around you. You stimulate him in an unusual way. You are giving him new experiences. You are making him feel things that he probably hasn’t felt in awhile. Even though he is emotionally unavailable, that is only PART of him. The other part DOES want to connect and be available…that part just isn’t as strong therefore is not in the driver’s seat. So again…the problem is…a part of him CRAVES that cake and wants to eat more and more of that, so his other part (that is not emotionally available) will kick in and say, “Dude, back off the cake!!! You can’t eat that much cake!”
So it’s kind of like having 2 different people in the car. 1 wants to move forward and the other wants to put the breaks on. Whomever is in the driver’s seat at the time is the one in charge.
Does that make more sense?
That cracks me up what your friend said about you pretending not to be as smart as you are so you can date…lol! I love that this current guy has, at the very least, given you the experience to remind you of what it feels like to be comfortable around a man and not have to pretend anything! That’s a gift!
Heidi
Hi Shay,
Hopefully this will help you understand why you attract the guys that you do. If you view everyone as a reflection…a mirror…of what is inside of you, it will help you understand your life much better!
So reflection of him is telling you 1 of 2 things (or a little of both):
1. He is mirroring to you ways that you also behave to others in your life. Do you ever treat anyone this way? (not just men, but family members, friends, children, co-workers).2. He is mirroring beliefs you have about yourself. For example, if you had parents that were very judgmental growing up, you would have absorbed those judgments into your self esteem. Those judgments like “You are not smart enough” (just as an example) would then become part of the fabric of how you view yourself and then you will attract people who would view you or treat you in that way. So this guy is rejecting you and is being very unforgiving and unkind. So did you grow up around any of those types of people?
So again…he is reflecting what is inside of your psyche and emotional makeup. The reason these are good experiences to learn from, is it tells us what is happening on the subconscious as well. We live from about 80% of the subconscious mind, so that means the people we invite into our lives, the jobs we have, the lives we live are dominantly coming from feelings and beliefs that exist in a space we are not connected or aware of. So you need to look for the “symptoms” that show up in life to let you know what’s happening for you on a deeper level for you.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
