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Hi Emilie!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It’s really fun getting to know more and more about the details of you. You have an endless depth to be explored!
I wonder…I have no doubt you are built a certain way…AND a part of me wonders if your system keeps you soooo busy and creates a high need to be challenged and entertained because it’s wanting to avoid something….something like feelings that are buried. I don’t know…that would be something to explore at some point.
I do know that boredom can be a symptom of avoidance. It’s a super effective way a person’s subconscious wounded side can keep hiding. Boredom causes a restlessness in the spirit and makes the person feel “uncomfortable” with being bored, which then causes the person to create a state of ‘doing’ something. That ‘doing,’ whatever that might be (sports, cooking, studying, work etc), then creates a distraction. As long as the person is distracted, the part of their system that wants to stay hidden, gets to stay hidden.
Am I making any sense??? I learned a lot about this some 20 years ago, when I faced a VERY powerful pattern of mine of being attracted to nice guys for only 2 weeks and then I would get “bored.” When I dove down the rabbit hole on that one…I had a huge awakening. I have seen boredom show up for MANY people in the same way. I’m not saying that the boredom isn’t partially pure boredom…but when boredom shows up a lot and is a motivating factor to keep someone very buy, that makes me wonder what is happening underneath the surface.
There may be nothing there though…it’s just a thread I would follow, at some point, whenever you are ready to do a deep dive.Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leyla!
How are things going for you? Are you and your friend who is moving there, talking a lot more? Is your connection growing? I imagine he is moving there soon….
Has everything ended with the other guy? How are you feeling about that?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Any new developments? What’s happening? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I thought I would check in again and see how you are doing. Any new developments? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Julianne,
Haven’t heard from you in a bit, so I thought I’d check in…how are you doing? How is your “friend” handling his new life design? Have you talked with him at all about your feelings? What’s happening???
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I thought I would just check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling about your situation? Has anything changed? Any new developments? How are you feeling about what we are saying to you?
Heidi
Hi Vicki!
Welcome! Thank you for being here with us and sharing your challenges! I’m really sorry for everything you are dealing with.
From what you are saying, it sounds like the first line of action is for both of you individually, especially him, get centered again. Neither of you can fix anything about your relationship until you deal with the heaviness you BOTH are carrying around individually. You both are so easily triggered, because there is no forgiveness. You guys are carrying around the hurt and not letting things go, so there is no way to have any kind of conversation without that hurt easily getting activated.
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach at all? Sometimes if the lady starts the process of growth and wanting to heal, the guy will follow.
A situation like this is difficult. He is dealing with some VERY heavy energy, so “words” have a lot less influence. You will be able to be there for him when you are clear yourself first. When you have forgiven and found your compassion for what he is dealing with, he may be able to receive you better, because you are less triggerable and you will be more available to validate him and listen to him…which I imagine he really needs.
So let’s start with you, since that is all you have control over. What keeps getting triggered for you? What do you need to forgive him for? When you get triggered, what do you respond like? Do you start yelling at him, do you pull away, do you say mean things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Okay! I get it now!
Let’s deal with low self esteem guy. First, if you sensed he had low self esteem when you met him, you are probably right, but again…that is something to gather more information about. So what if you like him because you “need” to help people? Why is that something to be afraid of? It’s probably true BUT that is something fixable and something you have the power within yourself to shift if you wanted to. And if you don’t shift it and you end up dating him for a bit, then that’s what you do! No biggie! You are just going through your life figuring things out just like he would be….right?
Your fear about getting bored and whether a guy can accept that part of you or not…this one is a bit more tricky of course. Do you get bored in your life? Or do you like your life the majority of the time? Obviously, you need a guy who can challenge you…at the same time, what have you learned about this fear about getting bored and whether or not the guy will accept that about you? I’m sure you have dug into those with your therapists or your coach. Where is that coming from and what is the fear REALLY about??
So what triggered your brain to go all haywire and start to obsessively think and analyze? Instead of trying to control your brain when it goes off like that (the symptom), it’s important to try to understand what your system is needing (the cause). Any clue?
Heidi
Help me understand a little more…
What do you mean that you don’t know if you should “share” your alarm signal….you mean share it with him? And you mean tell him about your interest and your deep fear (what’s your deep fear?).
And who is F again? Is he the guy who you really connected with but he admitted to not being available (the most recent guy?)
And the guy you are thinking a ton about is this guy who has low confidence? Dating a guy with low confidence is A LOT of work. Relationships are hard enough as it is…add a high amount of low self esteem and now double the work. His insecurities will drain you because you will feel you need to help him, re-assure him etc. and that’s exhausting!
I understand your brain. Most of our brains are that way. When I am like that, it’s my need for control that is causing my brain to go non-stop about a situation. That’s why meditation, or doing some type of activity to slow yourself down, is really important. You need to learn how to control that and keep yourself in balance. I know you know this 🙂
Heidi
Oh Danielle,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s a lot of confusion and uncertainty you are dealing with on a daily basis.
Before jumping to any conclusions, are there any other signs you notice that he may be cheating? If he were cheating with this woman, I imagine he would not have been gone for just 1 hour or put his voicemail on speaker, even if she spoke in a different language. I don’t know….there is nothing wrong with you just directly asking him though. Or you can wait some time and see if there are any other signs that you notice.
I’m also curious about your relationship. Do you feel like you are IN LOVE with him? Do you feel the way you want to feel with him, on your end? Have you guys talked about what is happening in your relationship that is causing him to feel less love for you? How is your relationship functioning now? It sounds like you guys are polite and kind to each other…still friends. Is there intimacy? Is there talk about the relationship and how to improve it and grow?
Heidi
Good idea. I’m wondering if he has enough self esteem to chase you. From what you said you sensed about him, he may struggle initiating with you, because he doesn’t have enough confidence. We shall see!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
That’s the skill! You listen to the alarm bells! So here is what happens…when you find something that causes the alarm bells to go off and you are not sure if it’s something valid and to be watchful of, you gather more information.
So whenever I have alarm bells go off and I feel I need to gather more information, I then start to tailor some of my questions in that particular category until I feel I have a good sense about what the alarm bells were and whether or not they got bigger or smaller.
For example, some questions I would casually start to ask would be about his relationship with his parents, family etc. I would ask about some of his worst memories in his past and favorite memories from his past. I would ask him to tell me about one of the most challenging things he had to deal with in his life and how he got past it. DO you see how questions along this line could help give you more info?
It’s good he is aware of his patterns and choices, but the next level…the healing aspect is what you are looking for….because that is who YOU are. YOU need to be with a partner who is more than just aware. You need a guy who is willing to dig into what is happening for himself and work towards healing….not just a talker, but a do-er. You need a guy who is willing to work with experts, willing to read books, willing to do healing work…whatever that may be.
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
The thing about that statement and belief you have, is that you barely know him. I doubt HE even knows the kind of love he wants. He is so young and still has a lot of growing up to do. Love at 22, is VERY different than a love even at 28 or 30. It doesn’t sound like this is about a lack of love or connection. It feels more about the fact he isn’t really ready, whether he wants to admit it or not. You both are still learning so much about each other and I’m sure he senses that if he comes back, it’s a SERIOUS thing. It’s not just dating, you feel “in love” with him and want to head down the “forever” path. He simply may not just be ready for that…and most likely is using the past drinking as a good barrier.
You can keep spending all of your energy hoping and doing everything you can to love him and appreciate him, but that is not the problem. Truth is, HE IS NOT CLEAR. You guys can talk about it until you are blue in the face, it doesn’t change that HE IS NOT 100% CLEAR that he wants to be with you. He knows he wants you in his life and friends is a safe way to do that and he also knows, if he were to initiate anything sexually with you, he can and you will say yes. So basically, he is getting his needs met and you are not…because you want more…so you will keep getting hurt.
You need to be clear about what you want and not settle for anything less. That is how you take care of yourself and your very precious and sacred heart. If he cannot offer that to you, then you need to put up boundaries. If not, that’s okay too. You may just need to keep going through this cycle over and over again and maybe at one point you will be ready to end that cycle.
Heidi
