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Hi Emilie,
I want to help make something more clear. You will ALWAYS have 2 drivers in certain areas of your life, so you aren’t releasing anything. Here is what happens when you heal: right now, imagine in your car, your 2 drivers are both big. 1 driver is the child, 1 is the adult, but the child driver is stronger and bigger and the one who is making the choices, so it is VERY difficult for the adult driver to take over the driver seat. As you start to do healing work, you heal the wounds and hurt and you forgive etc. which mean the child driver starts to get smaller and smaller. Those pieces that you heal then integrate with your adult driver and she gets bigger and stronger. You want to get to the point where your adult driver is bigger and stronger and the child driver is smaller and has less influence. Your child driver absolutely still try to take over, but because your adult driver is much stronger, she will be able to stay in control and design your life to align with your highest good. Does this make sense?
As far as your tears, it doesn’t matter where they are coming from, but what I was interested in, is what they were saying. So if your tears had words, what would they say? This is connect you to what is happening. This is the key to being able to help you process whatever you are crying about….
I’m curious why you have this idea that it is “weakness” if you send a message or voicemail. There is a belief system there of what you think strength looks like and it’s just not true. Strength is saying it, regardless. The longer you hold on and “wait” until you feel good enough, the longer you string him along as well. The truth about what is truly hard for you, is to let go in the first place. So making a decision to cut ties and letting him know IS strength. THAT is the hard decision and what requires courage…not how you do it. And there might be the possibility of you (subconsciously) waiting until you feel “strong enough” so you can hold onto him longer. You make a good case for waiting, but reality is, it doesn’t matter “how” you do it…it’s just a story and a belief you are holding onto. What matters is that you do it and that’ it.
Just some things to think about. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I know I am challenging sometimes.
Heidi
Oh Emilie…I’m so sorry. Those tears have important things to say. I would love to hear about it, if you feel comfortable sharing.
There is nothing wrong with texting him or even just leaving him a voicemail while he is at work or something…which is probably the best option. Seeing him face to face is not necessary at all. Taking control back, especially when you feel weak, is one of the strongest acts of courage you can do. Waiting until you feel “stronger” is like cleaning your house before the house cleaners come in. Now, while you have your emotions on the surface, is a great time to fight for yourself and what you want and really send a message out to the “universe” that you are done with guys who are emotionally unavailable.
Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Savanna,
I am soooooo sorry for what you are going through! Ouch! I know you want to do EVERYTHING you can to salvage this and send all of those presents. I sure don’t blame you for making every effort to keep connected.
My suggestion is, to give him space. Whatever he is going through, IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Frankly, for him to blame YOU for a lot of the stress he is feeling, let’s me know he has a lot of woundedness and child mentality. A child blames, not an adult. He is stressed because of HIMSELF. It is his job to communicate with you if his needs are not being met. It is his job to take care of himself and not require you to do it for him. And now, he is “breaking up” over text??? That’s quite dis-respectful and again, very childish.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT! His pain is his. Sure…there are things you could have done over the past few months, but now that he finally told you, it’s fixable and you are agreeable to that. The fact that he is breaking up over text, just tells me he is carrying a TON of weight on his shoulders and not dealing with it very well….instead his choice is to run away instead of facing it with you.
If you were in a foxhole hiding out with him, and outside on the ground level, are these troops looking for you guys (they represent the stress and challenge in a relationship), one thing you have to ask yourself is this….do I feel safe with this person in the foxhole? Do I feel like we can get through this together? From his actions, what he is basically doing is jumping out of the foxhole and running away, leaving you alone to deal with all the stress. And you want to send him flowers and chocolate and do everything you can to soothe him, when he is the one running away. Where do you exist in all of this? Where do your feelings matter?
I know I’m taking a stronger approach with you. I think what is important at this moment, is for you to really realize the kind of person you are choosing to fight for. This is who he is under enough stress and it is CRUCIAL you really see this about him…because if you continue down this path, you get married, have children etc…this is how he will respond when he gets stressed enough. He will run and leave you alone. If this is what you choose, then that’s totally okay! I’m not saying you should break up, I’m not saying you should disconnect and end the relationship. The way you are speaking and wanting to resolve this is all about HIM and I am not seeing where you make YOUR feelings important….and that is what is dangerous in a relationship. That’s all I am wanting to portray in all of this.
You still obviously are going to choose what you want to do, moving forward. I want to encourage you to choose yourself in the process as well. He needs to step up and behave like an adult and own his choices, face to face. He needs to take responsibility for his lack of communication with you. He needs to figure out a way to deal with whatever is stressing him out so much…in a HEALTHY way. That may mean giving him some space and time for awhile…I don’t know. It sounds like you both trigger easily into arguments right now.
So if you want him back, it’s important to figure out how to function differently in the relationship. What is causing you guys to argue so much? I know you can’t really answer for him, other than he is under a lot of stress, but what about you? What do you guys argue like? Is it talking or yelling? Is it respectful or mean? I think that would be the best place to start so your relationship doesn’t feel like it is adding to the stress of his life…
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
It sounds like you are really clear about what you want and how to move forward with this! This is great! You definitely know yourself better than me…obviously 🙂 so if you feel okay about continuing forward with Facebook, then have at it!
I’m glad Brandon was able to help you open up in new ways. Hopefully, this opening will inspire you to continue in your growth towards feeling more comfortable connecting with other people. I can tell what a big deal this was for you. Well done! Doing something THAT hard means you have an incredible amount of courage. I have so much respect for that!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I am a little confused. You are very clear about what you want….you want a relationship. You actually feel there is potential with this guy, but the reality is, he is not available. So where is there confusion here? Is there more information you need to gather or something?
You keep saying you aren’t “strong” enough and I’m not sure what that means. My guess is, you are just not ready to let go and let the adult be the driver. The wounded part of you that still wants his attention and connection is in the driver’s seat. My guess is, you are not ready to say “no” to the booty calls with this guy. I know you are saying no in this instance, but to say no to all the rest and close the door, means he no longer is going to give you the attention and connection you truly desire. Is that accurate?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and asking some really great questions!
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted. Who knows if Brandon is ready for a relationship or if it is specifically about you. Does it really matter though? Either way, he isn’t ready. Either way, he isn’t the guy for you…right now. I’m glad you are able to accept his choice, although it does hurt. It’s going to take some time to let him go romantically. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the best way to get over him, is to have NO CONTACT at all. I would stop responding to his posts and I would even stop looking at Facebook for a few weeks. It’s important for you to get grounded and connected to the reality that he is not available and you need to let the idea of him go…as a romantic partner. When you are more centered and grounded, then you can reach out and continue to be friends. Otherwise, as long as you keep connected with him while you are letting go, it will take FOREVER and is near impossible, as you will keep fueling the fire in your heart each time you both connect with each other.
Thoughts about that?
Let’s explore what is happening for you that you have had very little experience in the relationship department, both romantic and friendships. What do you understand about that? How old are you?
I imagine your therapist will help you explore this topic more, as it’s important that you feel part of a “tribe” whatever that may be for you….
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and asking some really great questions!
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted. Who knows if Brandon is ready for a relationship or if it is specifically about you. Does it really matter though? Either way, he isn’t ready. Either way, he isn’t the guy for you…right now. I’m glad you are able to accept his choice, although it does hurt. It’s going to take some time to let him go romantically. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the best way to get over him, is to have NO CONTACT at all. I would stop responding to his posts and I would even stop looking at Facebook for a few weeks. It’s important for you to get grounded and connected to the reality that he is not available and you need to let the idea of him go…as a romantic partner. When you are more centered and grounded, then you can reach out and continue to be friends. Otherwise, as long as you keep connected with him while you are letting go, it will take FOREVER and is near impossible, as you will keep fueling the fire in your heart each time you both connect with each other.
Thoughts about that?
Let’s explore what is happening for you that you have had very little experience in the relationship department, both romantic and friendships. What do you understand about that? How old are you?
I imagine your therapist will help you explore this topic more, as it’s important that you feel part of a “tribe” whatever that may be for you….
Heidi
Hi EB,
I understand you changing the tune to what you are thinking about this guy.
What I want to encourage you to do, is to take things very slow in your mind. You have only seen him 4x since you met and now you are asking for more time from him. You got FURIOUS about him not contacting you during that week you thought he was off and then discovered he actually was working. It seems like your reactions are pretty intense towards someone you barely know. I absolutely love that you want to keep giving this a shot, while at the same time, really watching yourself and how your feelings are getting activated. These are GREAT moments where you have the opportunity to look inside and find out what is REALLY going on for you. He seems to easily push some of your buttons, so this is great! What can you do to explore those buttons more and work on what is happening for you?
I think if you keep with your approach of leaning back and letting him take the lead…he will respond so much better to you! I absolutely agree that BEFORE you ever talk to him or confront him about anything…that you get yourself centered and clear…meaning you have dealt with any intense reactions. You are doing a great job! Very good approach!
Heidi
Hi Shevanna,
Everything you are saying and explaining about your role in your family, how you feel around them and how they treat you, it makes total sense why you are attracting the kind of men that you do. If you go back to my previous post, you fit option #2. You have absorbed very specific beliefs about yourself no being loveable and having to work really hard for connection and relationship and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Those beliefs are like a beacon…they are signals that get sent out and attract men that support those beliefs about you.
Again…the way to shift that is to recognize it first and foremost….recognize the beliefs about yourself that are harmful. Then recognize those beliefs that the guys around you have….that are harmful. It might help you see the connection better.
If you want healthier experiences, that means saying no to the unhealthy ones. I know you still want this guy back and the way things “used to be.” Reality is, it doesn’t change that he is still who he is. When you choose someone to be part of your world, seeing ALL of them is what is important. He has shown you many sides to himself. Do you completely accept his yucky side as well? Do you respect him in EVERY way…his good and his not so good sides? Do you feel emotionally safe with him in ALL situations and scenarios?Heidi
I totally get it. Of course you feel rejected and hurt. He is not responding to you. You want to feel sought after. You want to feel desired and you want to feel like your guy WANTS to be around at all cost.
I think it’s a good idea to make sure you are calm when you connect with him again. Maybe it’s time for that conversation?? You could say something like, “I am wondering if we are on different pages, so I thought it would be good to check in and get your perspective. I thought you were off this whole week and because of that, it would have given us some good time together, yet you didn’t plan anything with me. And I fully admit, it hurt. So it got me to thinking that we aren’t heading in the same direction. Can you share your thoughts with me on this?”
How do you feel about being more direct like this?
Heidi
Wow! What a great update!!! It sounds like you found yourself and have aligned with what you really want!
What’s the point?? The point is to learn and yes…in the end, it’s about acceptance…of yourself and him. It’s accepting of his choices and that he gets to be who he is….and then acceptance and embracing of yourself and your needs and that they are different than his. It’s still worth understanding though. Without that, you won’t have the knowledge you need to create a better experience for yourself in your next adventure.
Not easy though, right??
So what would you say you have learned from this situation about yourself? About relationship? About guys?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
I think what is most important for you here, is to decide what you really want. Becoming his lover for a few months, can really pull at your heart strings and cause you to get attached. OUCH!!! He is not an available guy. Guys are able to just have fun like that much easier than women. A guy can do something like that and then detach. It is not the same for women. We pay a HUGE price for allowing ourselves to be used like that….and that is what he is doing….he wants to use you until he leaves. So imagine you become his lover and have so much fun and you bond and connect even more with him. Then he leaves and you don’t hear anymore from him. He disconnects. Then you feel rejected and hurt like crazy. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
These are great questions! Thank you for the update!!!
You can always verbalize it to your “friend” and say…”You know…I’m just gonna say this in case you need to hear it. It just seems like sometimes you might feel guilty or embarrassed about…..I just want you to know that I’m actually okay! No damage done and I truly feel good about being friends. It’s all good!” Saying something like can’t hurt anything. I am much more of a blunt personality though. I have a tendency to just call out the elephant in the room when I think it’s workable. You have to decide what is right for you and what feels comfortable to say.
As far as a guy inviting themselves over…just be honest. You can say something like, “To be honest, I would like to get to know you better before heading into our homes. How about a hike? It’s gorgeous outside and it would be a lot of fun!” I think it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you set boundaries and communicate those up front. It lets the guy know you have boundaries and if he is worth his salt, he will respect that about you. If not, then you instantly know he is NOT someone you want to get to know. Don’t EVER feel bad or shy away from communicating your boundaries! This is really important for you to grasp. Many times, when I have set boundaries and a guy just walks right on over them and then accuses me of being “uptight” or telling me “I need to relax” that’s the moment I get FAAAAR away from that guy. YUUUUK! So you just remember that there is nothing wrong with setting your own pace, the way you want to do it.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Vicki,
It sounds like it is time to go for you. Reality is, he is unavailable and I’m sure, feeling horrible about not being available for you…which then takes him into the cycle of depression and whatever else is happening for him. He can’t help how he feels and then he judging himself like crazy about how he is feeling. It’s a vicious cycle!! And he is DEEP in it. Since this has happened before with him, from what his brother has said, it sounds like this guy really might just be best living by himself. If he is not willing to get help, then the best way for him to be peaceful is to have his own space.
I’m glad you are recognizing how all of this is triggering you and leading back to your mother. I am so sorry! How awful!!! And now your daughter is going through it all over again as well. Maybe it really is time for you to protect yourself and your daughter and create a home that is peaceful.
I know you are all financially tied up in this place with him and how hard it would be to separate. There is always a way though. For you to stay means more verbal abuse…and your daughter doesn’t get to have a home she feels safe in. How old is she by the way? If you don’t know what to do, there are a lot of resources out there that may be able to help you find a temporary home, offer short term, low interest loans….offer ideas of how you can separate.
You need to get away. It’s time you start fighting for yourself and your daughter.
Heidi
Hi Natasha!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your “ramble” with us!!
You guys definitely have A LOT of dynamics happening right now. He certainly has A LOT to deal with, especially being financially limited and not have a solid job. Is he even happy in his line of work? Or is work something he does to pay the bills?
What EXACTLY are you doing to work on your “flaws?”
It sounds like, at this point, that no matter what you do, he is just going to be depressed, anxious and confused. It’s a HUGE red flag that he is still resentful of having a child. Does he have a tendency to hold onto things? I’m wondering if he is the type to not forgive easily, or at all. Would you say this is true from your experiences with him?
For you…one of the most important things you need to do right now, is to value yourself. It sounds like you are just letting him treat you in whatever his mood suits him. If he wants to be intimate, you say yes. If he wants to verbally abuse you, you listen. If he wants to be friends and talk and connect, you join him. If he wants to be cold and disconnected, you give him space. Where do your needs fit in here? As long as you go on the rollercoaster ride with him, out of fear of losing him….what ends up happening is you lose yourself….you lose yourself because you are living for him and dis-regarding your own needs. He is ALL OVER THE PLACE and you are joining him on this rollercoaster ride…and that is why you are exhausted. There is NOTHING you can do to make him happy and stop that rollercoaster ride. He has A LOT of stuff going on that he needs to face.
And it sounds like you have some things to face as well and from what you said, you are working on it. Is he seeing you work on those things he feels are challenging about you?
Heidi
