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Wow! What a great update!!! It sounds like you found yourself and have aligned with what you really want!
What’s the point?? The point is to learn and yes…in the end, it’s about acceptance…of yourself and him. It’s accepting of his choices and that he gets to be who he is….and then acceptance and embracing of yourself and your needs and that they are different than his. It’s still worth understanding though. Without that, you won’t have the knowledge you need to create a better experience for yourself in your next adventure.
Not easy though, right??
So what would you say you have learned from this situation about yourself? About relationship? About guys?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
I think what is most important for you here, is to decide what you really want. Becoming his lover for a few months, can really pull at your heart strings and cause you to get attached. OUCH!!! He is not an available guy. Guys are able to just have fun like that much easier than women. A guy can do something like that and then detach. It is not the same for women. We pay a HUGE price for allowing ourselves to be used like that….and that is what he is doing….he wants to use you until he leaves. So imagine you become his lover and have so much fun and you bond and connect even more with him. Then he leaves and you don’t hear anymore from him. He disconnects. Then you feel rejected and hurt like crazy. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
These are great questions! Thank you for the update!!!
You can always verbalize it to your “friend” and say…”You know…I’m just gonna say this in case you need to hear it. It just seems like sometimes you might feel guilty or embarrassed about…..I just want you to know that I’m actually okay! No damage done and I truly feel good about being friends. It’s all good!” Saying something like can’t hurt anything. I am much more of a blunt personality though. I have a tendency to just call out the elephant in the room when I think it’s workable. You have to decide what is right for you and what feels comfortable to say.
As far as a guy inviting themselves over…just be honest. You can say something like, “To be honest, I would like to get to know you better before heading into our homes. How about a hike? It’s gorgeous outside and it would be a lot of fun!” I think it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you set boundaries and communicate those up front. It lets the guy know you have boundaries and if he is worth his salt, he will respect that about you. If not, then you instantly know he is NOT someone you want to get to know. Don’t EVER feel bad or shy away from communicating your boundaries! This is really important for you to grasp. Many times, when I have set boundaries and a guy just walks right on over them and then accuses me of being “uptight” or telling me “I need to relax” that’s the moment I get FAAAAR away from that guy. YUUUUK! So you just remember that there is nothing wrong with setting your own pace, the way you want to do it.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Vicki,
It sounds like it is time to go for you. Reality is, he is unavailable and I’m sure, feeling horrible about not being available for you…which then takes him into the cycle of depression and whatever else is happening for him. He can’t help how he feels and then he judging himself like crazy about how he is feeling. It’s a vicious cycle!! And he is DEEP in it. Since this has happened before with him, from what his brother has said, it sounds like this guy really might just be best living by himself. If he is not willing to get help, then the best way for him to be peaceful is to have his own space.
I’m glad you are recognizing how all of this is triggering you and leading back to your mother. I am so sorry! How awful!!! And now your daughter is going through it all over again as well. Maybe it really is time for you to protect yourself and your daughter and create a home that is peaceful.
I know you are all financially tied up in this place with him and how hard it would be to separate. There is always a way though. For you to stay means more verbal abuse…and your daughter doesn’t get to have a home she feels safe in. How old is she by the way? If you don’t know what to do, there are a lot of resources out there that may be able to help you find a temporary home, offer short term, low interest loans….offer ideas of how you can separate.
You need to get away. It’s time you start fighting for yourself and your daughter.
Heidi
Hi Natasha!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your “ramble” with us!!
You guys definitely have A LOT of dynamics happening right now. He certainly has A LOT to deal with, especially being financially limited and not have a solid job. Is he even happy in his line of work? Or is work something he does to pay the bills?
What EXACTLY are you doing to work on your “flaws?”
It sounds like, at this point, that no matter what you do, he is just going to be depressed, anxious and confused. It’s a HUGE red flag that he is still resentful of having a child. Does he have a tendency to hold onto things? I’m wondering if he is the type to not forgive easily, or at all. Would you say this is true from your experiences with him?
For you…one of the most important things you need to do right now, is to value yourself. It sounds like you are just letting him treat you in whatever his mood suits him. If he wants to be intimate, you say yes. If he wants to verbally abuse you, you listen. If he wants to be friends and talk and connect, you join him. If he wants to be cold and disconnected, you give him space. Where do your needs fit in here? As long as you go on the rollercoaster ride with him, out of fear of losing him….what ends up happening is you lose yourself….you lose yourself because you are living for him and dis-regarding your own needs. He is ALL OVER THE PLACE and you are joining him on this rollercoaster ride…and that is why you are exhausted. There is NOTHING you can do to make him happy and stop that rollercoaster ride. He has A LOT of stuff going on that he needs to face.
And it sounds like you have some things to face as well and from what you said, you are working on it. Is he seeing you work on those things he feels are challenging about you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It’s really fun getting to know more and more about the details of you. You have an endless depth to be explored!
I wonder…I have no doubt you are built a certain way…AND a part of me wonders if your system keeps you soooo busy and creates a high need to be challenged and entertained because it’s wanting to avoid something….something like feelings that are buried. I don’t know…that would be something to explore at some point.
I do know that boredom can be a symptom of avoidance. It’s a super effective way a person’s subconscious wounded side can keep hiding. Boredom causes a restlessness in the spirit and makes the person feel “uncomfortable” with being bored, which then causes the person to create a state of ‘doing’ something. That ‘doing,’ whatever that might be (sports, cooking, studying, work etc), then creates a distraction. As long as the person is distracted, the part of their system that wants to stay hidden, gets to stay hidden.
Am I making any sense??? I learned a lot about this some 20 years ago, when I faced a VERY powerful pattern of mine of being attracted to nice guys for only 2 weeks and then I would get “bored.” When I dove down the rabbit hole on that one…I had a huge awakening. I have seen boredom show up for MANY people in the same way. I’m not saying that the boredom isn’t partially pure boredom…but when boredom shows up a lot and is a motivating factor to keep someone very buy, that makes me wonder what is happening underneath the surface.
There may be nothing there though…it’s just a thread I would follow, at some point, whenever you are ready to do a deep dive.Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leyla!
How are things going for you? Are you and your friend who is moving there, talking a lot more? Is your connection growing? I imagine he is moving there soon….
Has everything ended with the other guy? How are you feeling about that?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Any new developments? What’s happening? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I thought I would check in again and see how you are doing. Any new developments? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Julianne,
Haven’t heard from you in a bit, so I thought I’d check in…how are you doing? How is your “friend” handling his new life design? Have you talked with him at all about your feelings? What’s happening???
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I thought I would just check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling about your situation? Has anything changed? Any new developments? How are you feeling about what we are saying to you?
Heidi
Hi Vicki!
Welcome! Thank you for being here with us and sharing your challenges! I’m really sorry for everything you are dealing with.
From what you are saying, it sounds like the first line of action is for both of you individually, especially him, get centered again. Neither of you can fix anything about your relationship until you deal with the heaviness you BOTH are carrying around individually. You both are so easily triggered, because there is no forgiveness. You guys are carrying around the hurt and not letting things go, so there is no way to have any kind of conversation without that hurt easily getting activated.
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach at all? Sometimes if the lady starts the process of growth and wanting to heal, the guy will follow.
A situation like this is difficult. He is dealing with some VERY heavy energy, so “words” have a lot less influence. You will be able to be there for him when you are clear yourself first. When you have forgiven and found your compassion for what he is dealing with, he may be able to receive you better, because you are less triggerable and you will be more available to validate him and listen to him…which I imagine he really needs.
So let’s start with you, since that is all you have control over. What keeps getting triggered for you? What do you need to forgive him for? When you get triggered, what do you respond like? Do you start yelling at him, do you pull away, do you say mean things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Okay! I get it now!
Let’s deal with low self esteem guy. First, if you sensed he had low self esteem when you met him, you are probably right, but again…that is something to gather more information about. So what if you like him because you “need” to help people? Why is that something to be afraid of? It’s probably true BUT that is something fixable and something you have the power within yourself to shift if you wanted to. And if you don’t shift it and you end up dating him for a bit, then that’s what you do! No biggie! You are just going through your life figuring things out just like he would be….right?
Your fear about getting bored and whether a guy can accept that part of you or not…this one is a bit more tricky of course. Do you get bored in your life? Or do you like your life the majority of the time? Obviously, you need a guy who can challenge you…at the same time, what have you learned about this fear about getting bored and whether or not the guy will accept that about you? I’m sure you have dug into those with your therapists or your coach. Where is that coming from and what is the fear REALLY about??
So what triggered your brain to go all haywire and start to obsessively think and analyze? Instead of trying to control your brain when it goes off like that (the symptom), it’s important to try to understand what your system is needing (the cause). Any clue?
Heidi
