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Hi Morgan,
I thought I would just check in and see how you are doing. How are you feeling about your situation? Has anything changed? Any new developments? How are you feeling about what we are saying to you?
Heidi
Hi Vicki!
Welcome! Thank you for being here with us and sharing your challenges! I’m really sorry for everything you are dealing with.
From what you are saying, it sounds like the first line of action is for both of you individually, especially him, get centered again. Neither of you can fix anything about your relationship until you deal with the heaviness you BOTH are carrying around individually. You both are so easily triggered, because there is no forgiveness. You guys are carrying around the hurt and not letting things go, so there is no way to have any kind of conversation without that hurt easily getting activated.
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach at all? Sometimes if the lady starts the process of growth and wanting to heal, the guy will follow.
A situation like this is difficult. He is dealing with some VERY heavy energy, so “words” have a lot less influence. You will be able to be there for him when you are clear yourself first. When you have forgiven and found your compassion for what he is dealing with, he may be able to receive you better, because you are less triggerable and you will be more available to validate him and listen to him…which I imagine he really needs.
So let’s start with you, since that is all you have control over. What keeps getting triggered for you? What do you need to forgive him for? When you get triggered, what do you respond like? Do you start yelling at him, do you pull away, do you say mean things?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Okay! I get it now!
Let’s deal with low self esteem guy. First, if you sensed he had low self esteem when you met him, you are probably right, but again…that is something to gather more information about. So what if you like him because you “need” to help people? Why is that something to be afraid of? It’s probably true BUT that is something fixable and something you have the power within yourself to shift if you wanted to. And if you don’t shift it and you end up dating him for a bit, then that’s what you do! No biggie! You are just going through your life figuring things out just like he would be….right?
Your fear about getting bored and whether a guy can accept that part of you or not…this one is a bit more tricky of course. Do you get bored in your life? Or do you like your life the majority of the time? Obviously, you need a guy who can challenge you…at the same time, what have you learned about this fear about getting bored and whether or not the guy will accept that about you? I’m sure you have dug into those with your therapists or your coach. Where is that coming from and what is the fear REALLY about??
So what triggered your brain to go all haywire and start to obsessively think and analyze? Instead of trying to control your brain when it goes off like that (the symptom), it’s important to try to understand what your system is needing (the cause). Any clue?
Heidi
Help me understand a little more…
What do you mean that you don’t know if you should “share” your alarm signal….you mean share it with him? And you mean tell him about your interest and your deep fear (what’s your deep fear?).
And who is F again? Is he the guy who you really connected with but he admitted to not being available (the most recent guy?)
And the guy you are thinking a ton about is this guy who has low confidence? Dating a guy with low confidence is A LOT of work. Relationships are hard enough as it is…add a high amount of low self esteem and now double the work. His insecurities will drain you because you will feel you need to help him, re-assure him etc. and that’s exhausting!
I understand your brain. Most of our brains are that way. When I am like that, it’s my need for control that is causing my brain to go non-stop about a situation. That’s why meditation, or doing some type of activity to slow yourself down, is really important. You need to learn how to control that and keep yourself in balance. I know you know this 🙂
Heidi
Oh Danielle,
I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s a lot of confusion and uncertainty you are dealing with on a daily basis.
Before jumping to any conclusions, are there any other signs you notice that he may be cheating? If he were cheating with this woman, I imagine he would not have been gone for just 1 hour or put his voicemail on speaker, even if she spoke in a different language. I don’t know….there is nothing wrong with you just directly asking him though. Or you can wait some time and see if there are any other signs that you notice.
I’m also curious about your relationship. Do you feel like you are IN LOVE with him? Do you feel the way you want to feel with him, on your end? Have you guys talked about what is happening in your relationship that is causing him to feel less love for you? How is your relationship functioning now? It sounds like you guys are polite and kind to each other…still friends. Is there intimacy? Is there talk about the relationship and how to improve it and grow?
Heidi
Good idea. I’m wondering if he has enough self esteem to chase you. From what you said you sensed about him, he may struggle initiating with you, because he doesn’t have enough confidence. We shall see!
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
That’s the skill! You listen to the alarm bells! So here is what happens…when you find something that causes the alarm bells to go off and you are not sure if it’s something valid and to be watchful of, you gather more information.
So whenever I have alarm bells go off and I feel I need to gather more information, I then start to tailor some of my questions in that particular category until I feel I have a good sense about what the alarm bells were and whether or not they got bigger or smaller.
For example, some questions I would casually start to ask would be about his relationship with his parents, family etc. I would ask about some of his worst memories in his past and favorite memories from his past. I would ask him to tell me about one of the most challenging things he had to deal with in his life and how he got past it. DO you see how questions along this line could help give you more info?
It’s good he is aware of his patterns and choices, but the next level…the healing aspect is what you are looking for….because that is who YOU are. YOU need to be with a partner who is more than just aware. You need a guy who is willing to dig into what is happening for himself and work towards healing….not just a talker, but a do-er. You need a guy who is willing to work with experts, willing to read books, willing to do healing work…whatever that may be.
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
The thing about that statement and belief you have, is that you barely know him. I doubt HE even knows the kind of love he wants. He is so young and still has a lot of growing up to do. Love at 22, is VERY different than a love even at 28 or 30. It doesn’t sound like this is about a lack of love or connection. It feels more about the fact he isn’t really ready, whether he wants to admit it or not. You both are still learning so much about each other and I’m sure he senses that if he comes back, it’s a SERIOUS thing. It’s not just dating, you feel “in love” with him and want to head down the “forever” path. He simply may not just be ready for that…and most likely is using the past drinking as a good barrier.
You can keep spending all of your energy hoping and doing everything you can to love him and appreciate him, but that is not the problem. Truth is, HE IS NOT CLEAR. You guys can talk about it until you are blue in the face, it doesn’t change that HE IS NOT 100% CLEAR that he wants to be with you. He knows he wants you in his life and friends is a safe way to do that and he also knows, if he were to initiate anything sexually with you, he can and you will say yes. So basically, he is getting his needs met and you are not…because you want more…so you will keep getting hurt.
You need to be clear about what you want and not settle for anything less. That is how you take care of yourself and your very precious and sacred heart. If he cannot offer that to you, then you need to put up boundaries. If not, that’s okay too. You may just need to keep going through this cycle over and over again and maybe at one point you will be ready to end that cycle.
Heidi
Hi EB,
Yes, anyone can hop onto this post and offer their viewpoints and opinions. There is nothing special they have to do, they just have to click on this particular thread and offer their ideas / opinions.
I am going to agree with Kanya. Whenever you are communicating a need you have, being direct and clear is what works best. There are no guessing games. As you already experienced, saying “Show me….” you said he had a confused response. That lets you know he doesn’t understand your perspective. How you said it basically is telling him that he is not showing you enough. From his perspective, he is giving you the very valuable, precious time he DOES have left and that IS showing you. When you tell someone they are not doing enough, it can cause someone to get defensive, confused etc. and that is NOT the response you want from him. You want to INSPIRE him, not to confuse him. And that is where being direct and authentic is important. So to re-iterate Kanya’s approach, you can say something like, “I really love hanging out with you and getting to know you. You make me laugh, I feel happy and I find myself wanting to hang out with you more. It’s hard for me sometimes to be patient. I know you are busy and offer me all the time that you have left and I appreciate that. I just wanted you to know that I really enjoy being around you and if you ever have any extra time, count me in.”
Give it some time. Your relationship is still soooo new. It can take time, on a man’s side, to give priority to a woman over the other things in his life. Men typically move slower than women and that’s a good thing!!
Have you ever tried the Marco Polo app? That might be a fun way to connect, more than texting, to help you feel like your needs are being met more.
Maybe you can have the talk about how he is feeling in this relationship and his thoughts about it. It sounds like you both are on different pages and different speeds, so understand where he is coming from vs. asking for more from him, would be another good place to start discussing the topic of seeing each other more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
What a great question! I love that you are keeping all of your options open and just walking through all that doors that show up!
Here are the questions you need to ask and then you will find your answers about what would be best for you.
Remember how I told you that our surroundings…the people, the job etc. are a reflection of what is inside of us? So if you look at him in the same way, he gave you a lot of info. letting you know what he has attracted into his life. He stayed with a woman for 5 years (knowing he “couldn’t” love her and she was physically abusive), he gave his heart and fell “in love” with a woman who had a TON of drama and baggage….he is attracting the type of women who are not healthy emotionally. Now…that’s no big deal as we all are learning and growing…what I would want to know, more than anything, is what has he done to face his pattern of what he is attracting? Does he even recognize the pattern of his choices? What is he doing to face himself and his choices?
If the last relationship that lasted 5 years, was recent, I wouldn’t give this guy much energy. If it happened awhile ago, there might be some potential IF he was growing and working on himself and is showing some emotional intelligence around the subject.
Otherwise, yes…you would be walking into another situation with a guy who is not emotionally clear enough, to offer you the kind of love and connection you are able to offer.Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Erika!
Welcome and thank you for sharing your challenges with us!
I’m really curious. You said a few times that you think this guy could be “the one.” I am wondering what makes you think that. I know you have strong feelings for him, but that is not the only thing that determines whether or not someone is marriage material. What you guys have is chemistry and that’s important, but far from what will ever keep a relationship being sustainable and healthy. So share more details with me about what makes you think he is a long term person for you. What keeps you going back to him despite the dysfunction?
I don’t know about the other arguments you have had with him, but from what you explained about the most recent argument tells me he most likely is carrying around A LOT of anger. This actually reminds me of a relationship I had in college. He drove me nuts in BOTH directions and vice versa. We had so much passion, laughter and connection, but we also fought with passion and way too often. I felt like I couldn’t say ANYTHING without him turning it into something about him (just like your recent argument). Eventually, about a year down the road, his anger started getting worse and he started hitting things around me. I never felt threatened as I didn’t believe he was capable of touching me in a harmful way. Then one time he got too close. He hit something close enough to me that I freaked out. Loooong story short, I told him he needed counseling and I was out. He did counseling and about 3 months in, he really began to process his anger. We gave it another shot (we were off and on for 3 years) and never again did he hit anything. He resolved a layer of anger, but unfortunately there were soooo many layers that we still argued quite a bit. He is the ONLY guy I fought with like that. Every other relationship I was so much more of a peaceful person. I, of course, had my issues that I brought to the table, so what I had to come to terms with, is that I didn’t want to work that hard at a relationship. Our mixture of chemistry and energy just wasn’t peaceful. It was passionate for sure, but very far from peaceful. It wasn’t healthy and that’s what I had to come to terms with.
If his responses are what I think they are, he basically is FULL of all kinds of hurt about whatever has gone on in his past. He sounds like he is not a forgiving person, therefore he would be holding onto everything in his subconscious in a GIANT bubble. One little thing that feels like rejection or hurt or abandonment or blame…will activate that bubble and cause and explosive reaction. He is THAT sensitive fragile.
Here is the reality. The most skilled person would get EXHAUSTED dealing with someone like that. Of course there are things you can do to change and better communicate and understand him more, but that still does not change that HE NEEDS HELP. He is carrying around so much junk inside. He doesn’t even have the ability to listen to you. He gets so taken over by his emotions that you don’t exist anymore. His feelings are all that exist in the room. How you guys are functioning is NOT sustainable and NOT healthy. It is quite damaging to both of you. What will begin to happen more and more is you will slowly shrink and avoid saying things that you really need to be saying, in order to avoid an argument. You will start to live in ways that avoid arguments vs. feeling completely comfortable being whomever and whatever you truly are.
This is not something for YOU to fix. You can’t. Only he can fix himself. You can fix yourself though. Something in you is not valuing or loving yourself very well that you keep stepping into a relationship where the guy blames you for HIS feelings and is quite angry. Is there anything you can connect back to in your life that would help you understand why you are choosing a situation like this for yourself?
I’m so sorry. I KNOW how difficult this is. I understand the wonderful attraction and I have no doubt that when things are good, they are really wonderful. I wish that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, what matters most in a relationship and what studies tell us, is that it is how you treat each other in the worst moments, that determine the success and health in a relationship. Sustainable relationships treat each other with respect, even in the worst, most hurtful times….something you guys are missing.
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Well…you can always tell him that you are have moved into friend territory in your mind. Then you show him by treating him like you would any other friend. You respond when you can, you don’t have reactions whether or not he responds back, you touch base every once in awhile….those are just ideas. I don’t know exactly how you guys interact now, but compare it to how you interact with your other friends and move it in that direction.
As far as the hornets nest, I mean “chaos.” If he is telling the truth, you would be stepping into a situation where his ex most likely would wreak havoc if she knew he was dating you and you would get caught up in the craziness of it all. If he is lying, you would stepping into an abusive relationship. Either way, it would be chaotic and full of drama and hurt….therefore a hornets nest. Make sense?
For the future…whenever you see a sign of something…it’s important to just notice it at first. Just pay attention to what it could possibly mean and then look for other signs to support it. Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So for example. If a guy is good about texting you back within a few hours during the week, then on the weekend, he might text you hours later or even wait until the next day, that would make me think he is really busy on the weekends and possibly going on dates or something. I would wait to see if that became a pattern on the weekends. I would then also try and set up a date on the weekends to see if he is open to that. So basically, you want to try and gather more information about a “sign” you think you are seeing before confronting the person about it in a brand new situation. Once you feel you have a few situations or instances where that “sign” has shown up, it can’t hurt to ask directly. When you ask though, it needs to have a curious tone about it, so they don’t feel defensive. You can say something like, “So I notice you are a lot less available on the weekends. Teach me about you. Is the weekend a time you like to just keep to yourself?”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
I am wondering if he is disconnecting because he leaving in 3 months or so. It sounds like you both had a really wonderful connection. So I think your assessment of being scared to commit and fall in love again is accurate as well. That, combined with leaving the country in a few months, would be a really good reason to disconnect and pull away.
Have you ever directly asked him about it? Were you thinking you guys would stay in touch and maybe keep “dating” even after he moves?
Heidi
Hi Morgan,
I understand there is a strong connection there for you and you want a committed relationship with this guy. He sounds good on paper for sure! There are sooooo many things you DON”T know about him though. You don’t know what he is like when he is angry and how he will treat you. You don’t know what he is like sexually, you haven’t seen him parent, you don’t know what his weaknesses and limitations are. I would caution you to really get to know ALL of those things before trying to get him into a serious relationship with you. He needs to know those things about you as well. That takes time and that is something he isn’t willing to give you right now. Maybe at some point it will shift, but I want to support what Kanya said and encourage you to keep dating. It is a struggle. You are not alone though. It’s hard for many people, but don’t give up! Keep moving forward and staying open to new possibilities showing up, as the current guy is not a possibility. He needs to get his life in order before he is for anybody.
Heidi
Hi Ruta,
I’m glad you are coming to this realization. It’s hard, no doubt!
I would suggest you do create closure though. It’s important you communicate to him that you are pulling away and that you need him to respect your boundaries. He just needs to know what is going on since you are going to be changing the relationship. No need to talk to him in person or make it a conversation. I think it would be easy for him to talk you into keeping it the way it is. So just sending a text will help you say what you need to say.
You can say something like, “It’s time for me to let go of the idea of you and me. How we interact with each other is wonderful and obviously you know I want more with you. I respect your need to keep some boundaries up and keep me at a distance. I have decided to move on now. It’s time for me to let my heart disconnect and heal. It hurts too much. I reached my limit. Please respect my choice by no longer contacting me. I need the time and space to heal.”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
