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Hi Emilie,
Wow! You did it! wow….that was hard. How are you doing? How does it feel? Did anymore tears come up? What did he say?
What did you actually say to him?
I wanna just give you a hug right…that’s a hard moment and a very hard choice you made. I am so proud of you!
Heidi
Hi SS,
It sounds like all is okay at this point. From what you said, you have a tendency to move fast, so this might be a really good thing for you! Because he is a slower mover, it can help you slow down and have some patience….VERY IMPORTANT!
It sounds like he is still connecting on a daily basis and even still has made a few phone calls. He obviously is still interested. It’s okay that you haven’t been out in 2 weeks. I imagine he is in overwhelm mode. Give him some time to figure all of this out. It might take a few months!
One thing you can say is “I have so much respect for you and how hard you are working. I do miss you though. It’s good for me though. The next time we go out…just be ready!” and he might say “be ready for what?” and that’s an opportunity to get flirty with him….
Let’s talk about your tendency to move fast. It sounds like this is a pattern for you. It’s definitely a pattern that can ruin things, so we want to help you get through this and help you understand where it’s coming from, so you can better navigate at his speed. Do you know why you move so fast?
Heidi
Hi Savanna,
I’m so glad you are connecting more into what you need. I’m glad you are agreeable to meet and have a chat with him. This is great! You are on the right path.
Now let me ask you this….what do you want? What do you plan to say to him? Are you wanting to fight for the relationship or willing to let it go? What’s your approach for this conversation?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
How about sharing more details. How long have you been dating? How old are the both of you?
It’s so important to give him some breathing room. One of the biggest differences between men and women, is that men are driven by their ability to “produce” things in this world so they can provide. Women are driven by “connection.” So that’s why women can stay at home and nurture the relationships with kids, teachers, other parents, partner, while the guy is at work all day. That’s the typical design because it feeds the very nature of both the woman and the man.
So he is now starting a 2nd job. He needs time to get to know the job, get to know himself in the new job and figure out this now design in his…including you. Give him time. I know you want to connect all day, but it’s just not realistic for him right now, so I wouldn’t panic about his feelings changing for you. He still sounds willing to text.
Are there any other details that are missing that may explain your situation better? From what you are telling me so far, there is no need to worry quite yet. His responses are appropriate for what he is going through.
Heidi
Hi Shevanna,
It sounds like you are really connecting with yourself again. Well done! I’m so glad he apologized and is more caring and connective now.
I know you want him to feel the way about you that you feel for him and they you feel about yourself. The thing is, you can’t MAKE someone love you unconditionally. Loving unconditionally is soooo so difficult for many people. It’s much easier for moms, because you get daily practice of exercising that muscle. Love is a DAILY choice. It doesn’t just appear and stay there. It grows and shrinks according the person who holds it and their beliefs about all the adventures and mis-adventures that show up in life.
So there is no “technique” that will change him into a guy who chooses to stay when things get tough. Those kinds of choices come from a very deep place inside of him, that HE has to face at some point. There are techniques that can inspire him to want to keep connecting with you, but all of that will melt away in SECONDS when he is triggered. When he is hurt or feeling angry, he will instantly go into his coping mechanism, just like we all do, and be who he is, despite all the techniques you did to keep his attention.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I want to help make something more clear. You will ALWAYS have 2 drivers in certain areas of your life, so you aren’t releasing anything. Here is what happens when you heal: right now, imagine in your car, your 2 drivers are both big. 1 driver is the child, 1 is the adult, but the child driver is stronger and bigger and the one who is making the choices, so it is VERY difficult for the adult driver to take over the driver seat. As you start to do healing work, you heal the wounds and hurt and you forgive etc. which mean the child driver starts to get smaller and smaller. Those pieces that you heal then integrate with your adult driver and she gets bigger and stronger. You want to get to the point where your adult driver is bigger and stronger and the child driver is smaller and has less influence. Your child driver absolutely still try to take over, but because your adult driver is much stronger, she will be able to stay in control and design your life to align with your highest good. Does this make sense?
As far as your tears, it doesn’t matter where they are coming from, but what I was interested in, is what they were saying. So if your tears had words, what would they say? This is connect you to what is happening. This is the key to being able to help you process whatever you are crying about….
I’m curious why you have this idea that it is “weakness” if you send a message or voicemail. There is a belief system there of what you think strength looks like and it’s just not true. Strength is saying it, regardless. The longer you hold on and “wait” until you feel good enough, the longer you string him along as well. The truth about what is truly hard for you, is to let go in the first place. So making a decision to cut ties and letting him know IS strength. THAT is the hard decision and what requires courage…not how you do it. And there might be the possibility of you (subconsciously) waiting until you feel “strong enough” so you can hold onto him longer. You make a good case for waiting, but reality is, it doesn’t matter “how” you do it…it’s just a story and a belief you are holding onto. What matters is that you do it and that’ it.
Just some things to think about. Thank you for hanging in there with me. I know I am challenging sometimes.
Heidi
Oh Emilie…I’m so sorry. Those tears have important things to say. I would love to hear about it, if you feel comfortable sharing.
There is nothing wrong with texting him or even just leaving him a voicemail while he is at work or something…which is probably the best option. Seeing him face to face is not necessary at all. Taking control back, especially when you feel weak, is one of the strongest acts of courage you can do. Waiting until you feel “stronger” is like cleaning your house before the house cleaners come in. Now, while you have your emotions on the surface, is a great time to fight for yourself and what you want and really send a message out to the “universe” that you are done with guys who are emotionally unavailable.
Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Savanna,
I am soooooo sorry for what you are going through! Ouch! I know you want to do EVERYTHING you can to salvage this and send all of those presents. I sure don’t blame you for making every effort to keep connected.
My suggestion is, to give him space. Whatever he is going through, IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Frankly, for him to blame YOU for a lot of the stress he is feeling, let’s me know he has a lot of woundedness and child mentality. A child blames, not an adult. He is stressed because of HIMSELF. It is his job to communicate with you if his needs are not being met. It is his job to take care of himself and not require you to do it for him. And now, he is “breaking up” over text??? That’s quite dis-respectful and again, very childish.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT! His pain is his. Sure…there are things you could have done over the past few months, but now that he finally told you, it’s fixable and you are agreeable to that. The fact that he is breaking up over text, just tells me he is carrying a TON of weight on his shoulders and not dealing with it very well….instead his choice is to run away instead of facing it with you.
If you were in a foxhole hiding out with him, and outside on the ground level, are these troops looking for you guys (they represent the stress and challenge in a relationship), one thing you have to ask yourself is this….do I feel safe with this person in the foxhole? Do I feel like we can get through this together? From his actions, what he is basically doing is jumping out of the foxhole and running away, leaving you alone to deal with all the stress. And you want to send him flowers and chocolate and do everything you can to soothe him, when he is the one running away. Where do you exist in all of this? Where do your feelings matter?
I know I’m taking a stronger approach with you. I think what is important at this moment, is for you to really realize the kind of person you are choosing to fight for. This is who he is under enough stress and it is CRUCIAL you really see this about him…because if you continue down this path, you get married, have children etc…this is how he will respond when he gets stressed enough. He will run and leave you alone. If this is what you choose, then that’s totally okay! I’m not saying you should break up, I’m not saying you should disconnect and end the relationship. The way you are speaking and wanting to resolve this is all about HIM and I am not seeing where you make YOUR feelings important….and that is what is dangerous in a relationship. That’s all I am wanting to portray in all of this.
You still obviously are going to choose what you want to do, moving forward. I want to encourage you to choose yourself in the process as well. He needs to step up and behave like an adult and own his choices, face to face. He needs to take responsibility for his lack of communication with you. He needs to figure out a way to deal with whatever is stressing him out so much…in a HEALTHY way. That may mean giving him some space and time for awhile…I don’t know. It sounds like you both trigger easily into arguments right now.
So if you want him back, it’s important to figure out how to function differently in the relationship. What is causing you guys to argue so much? I know you can’t really answer for him, other than he is under a lot of stress, but what about you? What do you guys argue like? Is it talking or yelling? Is it respectful or mean? I think that would be the best place to start so your relationship doesn’t feel like it is adding to the stress of his life…
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
It sounds like you are really clear about what you want and how to move forward with this! This is great! You definitely know yourself better than me…obviously 🙂 so if you feel okay about continuing forward with Facebook, then have at it!
I’m glad Brandon was able to help you open up in new ways. Hopefully, this opening will inspire you to continue in your growth towards feeling more comfortable connecting with other people. I can tell what a big deal this was for you. Well done! Doing something THAT hard means you have an incredible amount of courage. I have so much respect for that!!!
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
I am a little confused. You are very clear about what you want….you want a relationship. You actually feel there is potential with this guy, but the reality is, he is not available. So where is there confusion here? Is there more information you need to gather or something?
You keep saying you aren’t “strong” enough and I’m not sure what that means. My guess is, you are just not ready to let go and let the adult be the driver. The wounded part of you that still wants his attention and connection is in the driver’s seat. My guess is, you are not ready to say “no” to the booty calls with this guy. I know you are saying no in this instance, but to say no to all the rest and close the door, means he no longer is going to give you the attention and connection you truly desire. Is that accurate?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and asking some really great questions!
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted. Who knows if Brandon is ready for a relationship or if it is specifically about you. Does it really matter though? Either way, he isn’t ready. Either way, he isn’t the guy for you…right now. I’m glad you are able to accept his choice, although it does hurt. It’s going to take some time to let him go romantically. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the best way to get over him, is to have NO CONTACT at all. I would stop responding to his posts and I would even stop looking at Facebook for a few weeks. It’s important for you to get grounded and connected to the reality that he is not available and you need to let the idea of him go…as a romantic partner. When you are more centered and grounded, then you can reach out and continue to be friends. Otherwise, as long as you keep connected with him while you are letting go, it will take FOREVER and is near impossible, as you will keep fueling the fire in your heart each time you both connect with each other.
Thoughts about that?
Let’s explore what is happening for you that you have had very little experience in the relationship department, both romantic and friendships. What do you understand about that? How old are you?
I imagine your therapist will help you explore this topic more, as it’s important that you feel part of a “tribe” whatever that may be for you….
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Welcome! We are glad you are here and asking some really great questions!
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted. Who knows if Brandon is ready for a relationship or if it is specifically about you. Does it really matter though? Either way, he isn’t ready. Either way, he isn’t the guy for you…right now. I’m glad you are able to accept his choice, although it does hurt. It’s going to take some time to let him go romantically. I know this is not what you want to hear, but the best way to get over him, is to have NO CONTACT at all. I would stop responding to his posts and I would even stop looking at Facebook for a few weeks. It’s important for you to get grounded and connected to the reality that he is not available and you need to let the idea of him go…as a romantic partner. When you are more centered and grounded, then you can reach out and continue to be friends. Otherwise, as long as you keep connected with him while you are letting go, it will take FOREVER and is near impossible, as you will keep fueling the fire in your heart each time you both connect with each other.
Thoughts about that?
Let’s explore what is happening for you that you have had very little experience in the relationship department, both romantic and friendships. What do you understand about that? How old are you?
I imagine your therapist will help you explore this topic more, as it’s important that you feel part of a “tribe” whatever that may be for you….
Heidi
Hi EB,
I understand you changing the tune to what you are thinking about this guy.
What I want to encourage you to do, is to take things very slow in your mind. You have only seen him 4x since you met and now you are asking for more time from him. You got FURIOUS about him not contacting you during that week you thought he was off and then discovered he actually was working. It seems like your reactions are pretty intense towards someone you barely know. I absolutely love that you want to keep giving this a shot, while at the same time, really watching yourself and how your feelings are getting activated. These are GREAT moments where you have the opportunity to look inside and find out what is REALLY going on for you. He seems to easily push some of your buttons, so this is great! What can you do to explore those buttons more and work on what is happening for you?
I think if you keep with your approach of leaning back and letting him take the lead…he will respond so much better to you! I absolutely agree that BEFORE you ever talk to him or confront him about anything…that you get yourself centered and clear…meaning you have dealt with any intense reactions. You are doing a great job! Very good approach!
Heidi
Hi Shevanna,
Everything you are saying and explaining about your role in your family, how you feel around them and how they treat you, it makes total sense why you are attracting the kind of men that you do. If you go back to my previous post, you fit option #2. You have absorbed very specific beliefs about yourself no being loveable and having to work really hard for connection and relationship and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Those beliefs are like a beacon…they are signals that get sent out and attract men that support those beliefs about you.
Again…the way to shift that is to recognize it first and foremost….recognize the beliefs about yourself that are harmful. Then recognize those beliefs that the guys around you have….that are harmful. It might help you see the connection better.
If you want healthier experiences, that means saying no to the unhealthy ones. I know you still want this guy back and the way things “used to be.” Reality is, it doesn’t change that he is still who he is. When you choose someone to be part of your world, seeing ALL of them is what is important. He has shown you many sides to himself. Do you completely accept his yucky side as well? Do you respect him in EVERY way…his good and his not so good sides? Do you feel emotionally safe with him in ALL situations and scenarios?Heidi
I totally get it. Of course you feel rejected and hurt. He is not responding to you. You want to feel sought after. You want to feel desired and you want to feel like your guy WANTS to be around at all cost.
I think it’s a good idea to make sure you are calm when you connect with him again. Maybe it’s time for that conversation?? You could say something like, “I am wondering if we are on different pages, so I thought it would be good to check in and get your perspective. I thought you were off this whole week and because of that, it would have given us some good time together, yet you didn’t plan anything with me. And I fully admit, it hurt. So it got me to thinking that we aren’t heading in the same direction. Can you share your thoughts with me on this?”
How do you feel about being more direct like this?
Heidi
