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Hi EB,
I understand you changing the tune to what you are thinking about this guy.
What I want to encourage you to do, is to take things very slow in your mind. You have only seen him 4x since you met and now you are asking for more time from him. You got FURIOUS about him not contacting you during that week you thought he was off and then discovered he actually was working. It seems like your reactions are pretty intense towards someone you barely know. I absolutely love that you want to keep giving this a shot, while at the same time, really watching yourself and how your feelings are getting activated. These are GREAT moments where you have the opportunity to look inside and find out what is REALLY going on for you. He seems to easily push some of your buttons, so this is great! What can you do to explore those buttons more and work on what is happening for you?
I think if you keep with your approach of leaning back and letting him take the lead…he will respond so much better to you! I absolutely agree that BEFORE you ever talk to him or confront him about anything…that you get yourself centered and clear…meaning you have dealt with any intense reactions. You are doing a great job! Very good approach!
Heidi
Hi Shevanna,
Everything you are saying and explaining about your role in your family, how you feel around them and how they treat you, it makes total sense why you are attracting the kind of men that you do. If you go back to my previous post, you fit option #2. You have absorbed very specific beliefs about yourself no being loveable and having to work really hard for connection and relationship and that’s how it’s supposed to be. Those beliefs are like a beacon…they are signals that get sent out and attract men that support those beliefs about you.
Again…the way to shift that is to recognize it first and foremost….recognize the beliefs about yourself that are harmful. Then recognize those beliefs that the guys around you have….that are harmful. It might help you see the connection better.
If you want healthier experiences, that means saying no to the unhealthy ones. I know you still want this guy back and the way things “used to be.” Reality is, it doesn’t change that he is still who he is. When you choose someone to be part of your world, seeing ALL of them is what is important. He has shown you many sides to himself. Do you completely accept his yucky side as well? Do you respect him in EVERY way…his good and his not so good sides? Do you feel emotionally safe with him in ALL situations and scenarios?Heidi
I totally get it. Of course you feel rejected and hurt. He is not responding to you. You want to feel sought after. You want to feel desired and you want to feel like your guy WANTS to be around at all cost.
I think it’s a good idea to make sure you are calm when you connect with him again. Maybe it’s time for that conversation?? You could say something like, “I am wondering if we are on different pages, so I thought it would be good to check in and get your perspective. I thought you were off this whole week and because of that, it would have given us some good time together, yet you didn’t plan anything with me. And I fully admit, it hurt. So it got me to thinking that we aren’t heading in the same direction. Can you share your thoughts with me on this?”
How do you feel about being more direct like this?
Heidi
Wow! What a great update!!! It sounds like you found yourself and have aligned with what you really want!
What’s the point?? The point is to learn and yes…in the end, it’s about acceptance…of yourself and him. It’s accepting of his choices and that he gets to be who he is….and then acceptance and embracing of yourself and your needs and that they are different than his. It’s still worth understanding though. Without that, you won’t have the knowledge you need to create a better experience for yourself in your next adventure.
Not easy though, right??
So what would you say you have learned from this situation about yourself? About relationship? About guys?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
I think what is most important for you here, is to decide what you really want. Becoming his lover for a few months, can really pull at your heart strings and cause you to get attached. OUCH!!! He is not an available guy. Guys are able to just have fun like that much easier than women. A guy can do something like that and then detach. It is not the same for women. We pay a HUGE price for allowing ourselves to be used like that….and that is what he is doing….he wants to use you until he leaves. So imagine you become his lover and have so much fun and you bond and connect even more with him. Then he leaves and you don’t hear anymore from him. He disconnects. Then you feel rejected and hurt like crazy. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
These are great questions! Thank you for the update!!!
You can always verbalize it to your “friend” and say…”You know…I’m just gonna say this in case you need to hear it. It just seems like sometimes you might feel guilty or embarrassed about…..I just want you to know that I’m actually okay! No damage done and I truly feel good about being friends. It’s all good!” Saying something like can’t hurt anything. I am much more of a blunt personality though. I have a tendency to just call out the elephant in the room when I think it’s workable. You have to decide what is right for you and what feels comfortable to say.
As far as a guy inviting themselves over…just be honest. You can say something like, “To be honest, I would like to get to know you better before heading into our homes. How about a hike? It’s gorgeous outside and it would be a lot of fun!” I think it’s REALLY IMPORTANT that you set boundaries and communicate those up front. It lets the guy know you have boundaries and if he is worth his salt, he will respect that about you. If not, then you instantly know he is NOT someone you want to get to know. Don’t EVER feel bad or shy away from communicating your boundaries! This is really important for you to grasp. Many times, when I have set boundaries and a guy just walks right on over them and then accuses me of being “uptight” or telling me “I need to relax” that’s the moment I get FAAAAR away from that guy. YUUUUK! So you just remember that there is nothing wrong with setting your own pace, the way you want to do it.
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Vicki,
It sounds like it is time to go for you. Reality is, he is unavailable and I’m sure, feeling horrible about not being available for you…which then takes him into the cycle of depression and whatever else is happening for him. He can’t help how he feels and then he judging himself like crazy about how he is feeling. It’s a vicious cycle!! And he is DEEP in it. Since this has happened before with him, from what his brother has said, it sounds like this guy really might just be best living by himself. If he is not willing to get help, then the best way for him to be peaceful is to have his own space.
I’m glad you are recognizing how all of this is triggering you and leading back to your mother. I am so sorry! How awful!!! And now your daughter is going through it all over again as well. Maybe it really is time for you to protect yourself and your daughter and create a home that is peaceful.
I know you are all financially tied up in this place with him and how hard it would be to separate. There is always a way though. For you to stay means more verbal abuse…and your daughter doesn’t get to have a home she feels safe in. How old is she by the way? If you don’t know what to do, there are a lot of resources out there that may be able to help you find a temporary home, offer short term, low interest loans….offer ideas of how you can separate.
You need to get away. It’s time you start fighting for yourself and your daughter.
Heidi
Hi Natasha!
Welcome! Thank you for being here and sharing your “ramble” with us!!
You guys definitely have A LOT of dynamics happening right now. He certainly has A LOT to deal with, especially being financially limited and not have a solid job. Is he even happy in his line of work? Or is work something he does to pay the bills?
What EXACTLY are you doing to work on your “flaws?”
It sounds like, at this point, that no matter what you do, he is just going to be depressed, anxious and confused. It’s a HUGE red flag that he is still resentful of having a child. Does he have a tendency to hold onto things? I’m wondering if he is the type to not forgive easily, or at all. Would you say this is true from your experiences with him?
For you…one of the most important things you need to do right now, is to value yourself. It sounds like you are just letting him treat you in whatever his mood suits him. If he wants to be intimate, you say yes. If he wants to verbally abuse you, you listen. If he wants to be friends and talk and connect, you join him. If he wants to be cold and disconnected, you give him space. Where do your needs fit in here? As long as you go on the rollercoaster ride with him, out of fear of losing him….what ends up happening is you lose yourself….you lose yourself because you are living for him and dis-regarding your own needs. He is ALL OVER THE PLACE and you are joining him on this rollercoaster ride…and that is why you are exhausted. There is NOTHING you can do to make him happy and stop that rollercoaster ride. He has A LOT of stuff going on that he needs to face.
And it sounds like you have some things to face as well and from what you said, you are working on it. Is he seeing you work on those things he feels are challenging about you?
Heidi
Hi Emilie!
Thank you for sharing all of that! It’s really fun getting to know more and more about the details of you. You have an endless depth to be explored!
I wonder…I have no doubt you are built a certain way…AND a part of me wonders if your system keeps you soooo busy and creates a high need to be challenged and entertained because it’s wanting to avoid something….something like feelings that are buried. I don’t know…that would be something to explore at some point.
I do know that boredom can be a symptom of avoidance. It’s a super effective way a person’s subconscious wounded side can keep hiding. Boredom causes a restlessness in the spirit and makes the person feel “uncomfortable” with being bored, which then causes the person to create a state of ‘doing’ something. That ‘doing,’ whatever that might be (sports, cooking, studying, work etc), then creates a distraction. As long as the person is distracted, the part of their system that wants to stay hidden, gets to stay hidden.
Am I making any sense??? I learned a lot about this some 20 years ago, when I faced a VERY powerful pattern of mine of being attracted to nice guys for only 2 weeks and then I would get “bored.” When I dove down the rabbit hole on that one…I had a huge awakening. I have seen boredom show up for MANY people in the same way. I’m not saying that the boredom isn’t partially pure boredom…but when boredom shows up a lot and is a motivating factor to keep someone very buy, that makes me wonder what is happening underneath the surface.
There may be nothing there though…it’s just a thread I would follow, at some point, whenever you are ready to do a deep dive.Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Leyla!
How are things going for you? Are you and your friend who is moving there, talking a lot more? Is your connection growing? I imagine he is moving there soon….
Has everything ended with the other guy? How are you feeling about that?
Heidi
Hi Sofie,
Haven’t heard from you in a few days. Any new developments? What’s happening? How are you feeling?
Heidi
Hi Ann,
I thought I would check in again and see how you are doing. Any new developments? How are you feeling?
Heidi
