[Heidi G]

Hi EB!

We love hearing this from you! Thank you for joining us here and sharing your journey with us! We are always here if you need anything else! Goodness into your journey and next steps!!!

heidi

[Heidi G]

So here is your target:

“It’s already hard enough to be alone and not find someone to share my life with without being reminded of it all the time…”

This is what is bringing up your tears. You are missing connection and that is what a guy means to you. You are wanting a guy to help you feel that connection…you are wanting a guy to fill this need of yours. My guess is, because of all the rejection you have dealt with lately, especially with this last guy who was so great and activated that connection feeling in you, it’s exposing your deep desire for connection.

I’m sure you know this already, but I’m going to say it anyways. You are wanting a guy to do for you, what you are not willing to do for yourself. Here is another way to say it…you are wanting deep connection and you connect that with a man…so you need a man to feel that, when in reality, you are only feeling that deep desire for connection because you are disconnected from yourself.

I’ll leave it at that and see how this makes you feel

Heidi

[Heidi G]

haha! goodness…that’s A LOT of advice…

There are a couple of CORE things that are essential for a happy life, relationships included. Self love and resilience. If you keep your eye on designing your life in a way that nourishes your soul, you can never go wrong. That nourishment means kindness, joy, compassion, pleasure, connection. That means first and foremost, to treat yourself that way. When you are not treating yourself that way, your life will tell you! You will attract people into your life that will support however it is that you feel about yourself and treat yourself, so that’s where your environment can be the best teacher for you! And resilience is about getting back up and choosing forgiveness for yourself and those around you EVERY TIME! It might take 1,0000 times of forgiving….do it! You don’t ever want to hold onto hurts. You want to forgive and release so your system doesn’t get all junked up. If you do have to forgive a 1,0000 times (yourself excluded), that also is a sign that maybe you are not choosing a person to be in your life that is supportive of your self love, therefore you are not loving yourself very well.

Does this make sense???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay…so what do guys represent to you? Connection? Love? Pleasure? Feeling known?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Krystie,

I know how scary this is. I know you don’t want to lose him and break up. The reality is though, you have already lost him. He is playing the “victim” in his life and as long as you keep participating the way you are, you are supporting his behavior. You are HELPING him be rude, disconnected and a victim by playing the role of being the target. Along with that, you are also allowing yourself to be treated this way, therefore letting your very precious heart get stomped on. You are being unkind and abusive towards yourself as well.

Your relationship is all about him. He is all that matters. He can treat you however he wants to treat you, he can be in whatever mood he wants to be in and you will be there to make sure he is “okay” and just deal with whatever shows up. THIS IS WHO HE IS! It is so important for you to understand and ACCEPT what you are choosing. Again, even if he were to find his old self again, who he is at the moment would just end up going to sleep for a period of time and then, under the right kind of stress, will wake up again and go back into this pattern. You get to fight for this relationship, of course, as your life is your design. You keep hoping there is something you can do to “fix” this. What is broken is inside of each of you and cannot be fixed by little phrases or techniques. You both have some big wounds that need healing. You can focus on your own wounds and work on healing those and many times the relationship will improve just by you fixing your own self. You cannot change him though. Why would he change anyways? He gets to treat you how he wants. There are no consequences, so why should he be any different?

He is split. He has 1 side of him seeing a future with you and another side of him sabotaging the relationship all over the place. I don’t know the “why” behind why he is this way, but I do know that when someone is split, it’s A LOT of work and heartache being in relationship with them. It’s a lot of drama, hurt and a TON of confusion.

I do understand though, you are not ready to give up. So I like the idea of you taking a step back and heading to your mum’s for a period of time. Maybe that can help fill you back up and get you grounded again. Maybe it can give you the strength to finally be honest with him and start to set some boundaries.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi EB,

Well done! I just want to support what Kanya is saying as well. Re-focusing on your vision and what you want to create is very important. I actually like to create a “non-negotiable” list when it comes to choosing a partner. It’s a good way to know yourself and to have a guide as you start to get to know someone.

This list is simple….it’s the about the qualities in a guy you CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT. These qualities are non-negotiable. If these qualities do not exist in him and the relationship, it will not last….your heart and soul will slowly start to die. Here are a few examples of qualities on my list:

1. Romantic
2. high emotional intelligence / natural desire for growth
3. spiritual
4. resilient
5. Active

So each of these qualities are CRUCIAL for me. They are the foundation of how I live my life therefore and feed who I am therefore, I need a relationship with a man who is like-minded and approaches his life with these same qualities, otherwise it won’t work long term. This is not a list of the qualities you “want.” That’s more surface. You want to look at the core qualities….this is the foundation that your house gets built on. Each one of the qualities you list, you must also be able to offer and bring into the relationship. So for example, if you want a guy who is financially abundant, then you need to also be financially abundant. If you want a guy who is fit then you need to be fit as well. You never want to ask from someone what you are not willing to be yourself first and foremost.

Let’s say you have 8 CORE qualities on your list and you meet a guy who has 6 or 7 of those qualities….it WILL NOT LAST! This is where we tend to get into trouble with relationships. The person has a lot of the qualities we are looking for and the chemistry is amazing, so we try to make it work. If they are missing even just 1 quality on your non negotiable list, it’s not going to work…that’s how serious this list is. That’s how clear you need to be. This list is your BASELINE….it’s your standard….so it sounds like Paul is someone you completely enjoy and have fun with AND he is not really interested nor curious about who you are as a person. He is really only interested in you knowing him. You are discovering that despite how much fun you have together, it’s not making you feel very good. So what is missing EXACTLY for you? This is how you start to figure out what your non-negotiables are.

Maybe something like this can give you a starting point.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Shay,

You are correct. Sweeping things under the rug means it’s still there. People do it all the time. They think that just because they stop “feeling” the hurt or frustration or whatever, that it’s all gone, when in reality, their emotional system just buried it and it WILL rear it’s ugly head again, at some point. I do that sometimes and it’s okay! The difference is, you want someone to stay. When my baggage comes up, I own it myself, I have techniques to work through it and I don’t blame. I am for sure tempted to walk away, as that is my coping mechanism, but I am aware of it and work with it. It will always be there for me, but it’s a matter of staying above it and in control of it, working WITH it vs. letting it run my life (which it used to).

I understand your desire to stay as well. You wouldn’t be here fighting for the relationship if there weren’t wonderful things about him. You can keep working on yourself and seeing if you can handle communication better, recognize his signs of losing patience and not taking it so personally….you can always learn how to manage the relationship better from your side and keep giving it a shot!

No one can tell you when you are done with anything. If you feel you need to have more experiences with him, then go for it! If you feel you know what you want in a man and you are ready to no longer settle, then it’s time for you to go. Either decision is okay. There are many lessons to learn on either path.

Heidi

• This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Tracey.

[Heidi G]

Wow! very eloquent and well said Emilie! I’m glad you did it this way. The tears aren’t even about him. He is just the trigger. The tears are coming from whatever he has activated, so I’m glad you keeping those personal for yourself. I’m sure you coach will be able to guide you deeper into connecting with those tears. They are the entrance to the rabbit hole. They hold the feelings that can take you deeper into this pattern of attracting unavailable men.

You are doing it! You are growing….and it’s hard. You are taking the path less traveled, which has many great gifts for you.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi EB,

There is one quality here, that he is demonstrating, that is a HUGE red flag. He isn’t able to forgive. If he is holding onto what has happened from the past, what do you think he will do with you? Since he is already carrying sooooo much baggage, imagine getting into a deeper relationship with him and then you do something to hurt him, that baggage will get lit up in seconds and his walls will go up. He will run or he will disconnect and you will be left soooo frustrated that you can’t do anything to fix, because he won’t let you. Someone who doesn’t forgive and let go is VERY difficult in a relationship. You will end up paying the price for all the other women who have hurt him. He is making a very clear choice….he would rather hold onto the pain and not risk again, than to face it and move on and allow the possibility of new love into his life.

Reality is, love is a HUGE risk, no matter who you are. Every single person has a story of being hurt AND we all have choices about how we are going to let those hurts affect our lives. So YOU need to make a choice about what kind of guy you want a relationship with. If it’s this hard now, it’s even harder and more hurtful if you were to actually be in a real relationship with him and all of his ex girlfriends…because that is what you would be doing…his ex girlfriends would be coming along with him, occupying his heart.

Is this what you want?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Krystie,

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s a lot! You lost your nana and the one guy that would bring you comfort is far from being there for you. It’s a lot of loss to think about and deal with.

Here is the reality. The techniques offered in this course are NEVER meant to be done at the expense of yourself. A lot of what you read is also about self respect, using your feminine intuition and self love. It’s not meant to be one or the other…meaning, “not giving up when everyone else has” is not meant to be at the expense of you getting your own needs met. He is very clear through his actions and his words that he is not interested in caring about the relationship. Whatever happened that caused a shift, you may never know. What you DO have to deal with is the present moment. I know you want who he used to be, to come back, but that’s wasting your energy. This is who he is as well. He won’t talk to you, support you, care about you, not even in the loss of a family member…yikes! To be honest, I wouldn’t advise you to get him to go to the funeral at all! Even if he did go, he wouldn’t be able to provide you comfort! If anything, he would just be more rejecting and you don’t need that at a funeral.

This is who he is Krystie. He is not someone who is able to let go of the past and it will ALWAYS get in the way of the future if he never faces it. This is NOT a formula for a good relationship. He doesn’t forgive and he doesn’t let go. He won’t forgive your mistakes in life either. Imagine being with him 20 years later and him still bringing up things you did “wrong” in the past. A guy like this has a VERY THICK wall around his heart. You will never get in. No one will. It’s HIS job to deal with his walls, not yours. It’s HIS job to deal with all of his feelings of resistance, not yours. You can’t fix him…only he can do that.

It’s okay if you let go. He is not a willing participant, so in situations like this, it is okay to let go and let him be alone…and you go take care of yourself.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sofie,

I am so sorry this didn’t turn out how you wanted. Choosing to love yourself and saying goodbye to him is NOT an easy decision. It is a courageous and smart, but far from easy. I am proud of you.

Did you tell him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi SS,

Okay…this makes sense! I would have to say that one of the hardest things about relationship is getting triggered. You have this whole story about what is happening for him and that story has so much power over you, that is causes anxiety and you want to make decisions based on that made up story. Truth is, you don’t have any REAL evidence to support that story. We all do it! And that’s why it is so hard. We carry our traumas and wounds from the past into the present they get overlaid on top of our current relationships. So you are applying old wounds and beliefs to your current guy.

Here is the thing. Because he is human, he WILL hurt you, disappoint you, let you down, betray you….you will do all the same to him as well. It is just part of life. The goal is to develop a skillset to handle those moments in a healthy way and work from a place of TRUTH vs. the stories you create in your mind from your old wounds. So…healing those old wounds is essential. It’s not about finding the “right” person to inspire a commitment from you and then all of a sudden all your issues are over. As you already are experiencing, finding that someone brings up all kinds of insecurities. It’s a great time to face all of it. Is that something you are willing to do?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi SS,

It sounds like you have a lot of fear about being known by a man. How come? What are you afraid of? When you have your anxious thoughts about this current relationship, what are the thoughts?

Can you tell us more about your relationship with your parents? Many times, how they treated us or role modeled relationship, we end up absorbing and carrying into our adult lives.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natasha,

Of course you want him to be positive! It would make life a lot easier.

Here is the thing. It isn’t who he is. You could be the best, most fit, most attentive partner and he would still be miserable. That misery is what is INSIDE of him. The outside environment will not fix what he is carrying around on the inside. It sounds like he doesn’t really forgive and let go. If he is bringing stuff back up from the past, he hasn’t let it go. When people hold onto things, it build resentment. The longer resentment stays in the system, the more toxic it becomes. It turns to anger and rage and unfortunately you are a target. It has nothing to do with you….he would treat anyone like this…even your child. Has that started yet?

Understanding he is in a tough spot is one thing, but allowing verbal abuse is another. Setting boundaries as to how you are treated is not cold or uncaring. It is cold and uncaring to YOURSELF the more you allow it. It shouldn’t be happening….NOT EVEN ONCE!!! And your kid will watch you take it and will also absorb all of those mean words. Being that you are not interested in separating, you can set stronger boundaries. When things are good, you can say something like, “Listen….I understand you are in a tough spot. However, I am not going to be your target and be demeaned anymore. So…when you start to say mean things and escalate, I am going to walk away into another room. When you calm down and are able to talk in a respectful way, I will be come available again. I don’t know what else to do, so if you don’t like this solution, then offer me another way to handle this. If this doesn’t work, then know that I will ask you to move out.”

How does saying something like this feel for you?

How did the test go for the new job??? I hope everything went well for you!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

as far as saying things face to face vs. a message….you ARE right that doing it face to face IS important and dealing with the person’s reaction. I was just saying in this particular instance, that wasn’t necessary. I just wanted to be clear that your belief is spot on AND needs to be flexible depending on the dynamics of what is happening….

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