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Hi Sunny!
Yikes! I am soooo proud of you!!! Well done for using your voice and standing up for yourself and requiring to be treated in a certain way. Wow!!! How did you feel??? This is so spectacular!
I know it was hurtful. It’s important for you to see how HE responds. He didn’t create a very safe space for you to share whatever you needed to share. It sounds like through the whole conversation, you had to keep avoiding certain topics because HE didn’t like the topics or was un-interested. This is good for you to see. Essentially he is not really creating a very safe space for you to be fully and completely who you are. He sounds quite fragile emotionally and quite judgmental.
Regardless, I think the MOST IMPORTANT aspect here was you using your voice. You empowered yourself and he needed to feel your strength. You need to really give yourself a gazillion gold stars for that!
How are you doing today? How is he responding to you now?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Let me answer your question about what I mean about you not connecting with yourself. I didn’t mean it as a general blanket statement. You ARE connected and there are moments / areas where you are not connected. We all have high self esteem and low self esteem. So that’s all I meant. I was just referring to this particular topic.
1. You had tears when you thought about disconnecting from that guy. Did you ever connect to those emotions and find out what was REALLY happening for you?
2. You said this a few a days ago: “It’s already hard enough to be alone and not find someone to share my life with without being reminded of it all the time…”
What’s hard? You are struggling not because you don’t have someone to share your life with, but for a deeper reason. I know for me, when I am longing for a guy, when I am getting frustrated that he isn’t here yet, when I am not feeling patient about being single, I am not connecting with myself in those moments. I am wanting a “guy” to meet my needs instead of doing it myself. Those feelings are symptoms for me, that I am out of alignment with myself. When I am centered, meeting my needs of connection, self love, working on my spirituality, having enough fun etc….I don’t mind being single at all. I don’t mind that my guy isn’t here yet. I am completely and utterly happy with how my life is. I am fulfilled.
The way you talk, you don’t sound fulfilled. Your life sounds amazing with all that you do, but there is an underlying feeling that you don’t feel fulfilled without a guy, therefor it’s hard being single.
Reality is, your grandma, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t be able to affect you much with their judgment if you weren’t judging yourself. I get reminded ALL the time that I am single by people around me. I get told I am too picky. I get told I need to lighten up. I get told I should go online and start dating. It doesn’t phase me, most of the time. There are days however, where it gets under my skin and that’s an instant sign I am disconnected from myself.
So that’s all that I am saying about you being disconnected. Your tears, you saying it’s hard to be single, you having a hard time being judged about being single….these are just MOMENTS of disconnection that lead you deeper in the areas of yourself where low self esteem lives.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi EB,
I understand your need to send him those pictures. You are wanting him to see you are happy and have a life without him. I’m glad you were out and about and having some fun!Here is the thing. You are wanting Paul to do something for you that you are not willing to do yourself. What is it? You sent him those pictures, why? What were you wanting from him? What did you want him to feel?
It is so hard to separate from someone, especially as a woman. We have a tendency to really entangle. Part of it, is it’s just how we are made. Men are different in this department usually. Part of it comes from woundedness and wanting to feel / resolve certain things. The latter part is what we do have control over and what we have the ability to shift within ourselves. It gives us opportunities to meet our own needs instead of wanting someone else to do it for us. When we are able to do that, it helps us disconnect from an unhealthy source much easier.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Gwendolyn!
Well…it sounds like he is really making you feel good. He sounds sweet and attentive. I just have a few questions…
The first part of me wonders, do you even like him back? How well do you know him? I ask this because it is not an uncommon thing for a lady to have a response to a man who is pursuing them. It’s kind of like “Wow, he likes me” and then you have a chemical, emotional response to the fact that you are being pursued vs. actually liking HIM because you know him, he makes you laugh, he is interesting to talk to etc. I’ve done this many times in my life and it never once has gone well when I gave in. It’s something to pay attention to. So….tell me about him and why you like him and would be considering having a relationship with him.
Also, there is a BIG risk getting involved in a such a tight nit group. If things don’t go well between the 2 of you, it affects the entire group. Is that something you are okay with?
Lastly, I’m just going to point out a simple fact. If you are uncomfortable with his age, enough that you cannot even admit the age difference here, then that is a BIG RED FLAG. Your embarrassment about it matters. The guy I dated that was 15 years younger than me, I was embarrassed. I worked on it many, many times, but there were big reality checks when we went out with MY friends in my age group and there were DEFINITE differences in how we talked and what we talked about compared to him. He didn’t fit. He was just in a different decade and it was evident. Things like that show up all over the place. So there are challenges when it comes to age differences. If you feel embarrassed about it now, it’s only going to get worse. Listen to your embarrassment and honor it.
I also even wonder if this guy is interested in a relationship or if he is just out for sex. Do you get a sense about that at all? How well do you know him?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
No need to be embarrassed. I understand you are trying to get his attention and keep his attention and sexting is a good way to do that.
I would just be careful. First, sexting is about fantasy and that can be a dangerous thing when you don’t know each other very well. It creates a certain idea in both people’s minds about what it’s like in bed with each other, so the real thing could actually end up being disappointing. It’s different if you’ve been together many times first and then do the sexting. The sexting will actually be based on what you know each other likes etc….so it’s more real.
I still want to encourage you to sloooooow down. You are wanting him as a lifetime partner and you barely know this guy. You have only met 2x in person. There is so much you do not know about him. What is he like when he is angry? How does he treat you and others and himself when he is under job stress? How does he handle your upsets? What is his communication like when his feelings are hurt?
According to studies, there are some foundational qualities that need to exist in a relationship in order for them to last. One of those qualities is: you treat each other with respect, even when arguing. I always tell people, you don’t know if you really love someone or if they even should have your love, until you have seen them in their worst. You have to be able to love and accept the worst side of them, before you know if you are really safe with them.
I’m not sure I understand why you think you messed anything up. Are you worried that you are sexting too much and therefore wouldn’t think of you as a lifetime partner? I’m not real clear about this. I imagine he is just not thinking that way towards you right now first, because he is a guy and he barely knows you and second, he is dealing with a major loss and that will occupy his heart and mind for awhile. So what makes you think you messed up?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
Do you typically have a pattern of wanting to move faster in the beginning? I know I do, along with many women. I always encourage women to explore that further. Part of it is just our nature, but another part of it can be from past wounds. I know what mine are and what happens when I want to rush things. Is this something you have explored within yourself at all?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
I know you want to spend more time with him. It’s a very natural response women have when building a new relationship. It bonds the 2 of you. You want to space these type of texts out, but you can get flirty and say things like, “I miss seeing your beautiful eyes and holding your hand.” “I found this amazing new recipe that I want to try. Any interest in coming over so you can be my test case? I promise to have a delicious glass of wine waiting for you.” So basically, you can, IN A VERY LIGHT way, let him know you miss him and want to spend time with him.
You can build a good connection over the phone. It’s a great way to develop friendship and keep the sex out of the picture. It forces people to have to practice communication, asking questions, getting to know each other! However, that venue can only take you so deep. There is nothing that can replace being in person. But for where you guys are at right now, I think it’s great. Go online and search for some fun questions you can start to ask him, to help make the conversations playful and entertaining! He needs light and easy right now.
Heidi
Hi EB,
Oh goodness…BE KIND to yourself!!! I understand you feel humiliated for “not knowing,” but now you know. We ALL learn through experience. How can you possibly expect yourself to have done any different without having the information you needed to be able to see what was happening? Love is blind, right? You know what blinds us? The chemistry….it is soooooo strong and ends up taking over our system. We see the red flags, but the chemistry will inspire us to ignore them because it feels so darn good! You are part of MANY women who go through the same thing. It’s okay!! I even struggle with the chemistry. I have a TON of knowledge and about 2 years ago, I came across a guy who made me feel AMAZING just by talking. We never dated, but every time I ran into him, the chemistry was sooooo strong between us. I saw the red flags INSTANTLY (and they were non-negotiable red flags) and I STILL found myself getting pulled towards him and even thinking, “maybe I am being too rigid with what I need.” I started to compromise, because it felt so wonderful to just be around him. I saw myself doing that, I knew what was happening and it took EVERYTHING in me to pull myself away. I had to use ALL of my skills, my accountability system…I threw the kitchen sink at it, to be able to pull back. I did it, but it was no easy feat! I’m telling you this, because even if you did “know” you still may have made the same choice. So be kind to yourself!!!
All those ads out there about “getting the guy to….” do have a lot of good things to say however, there is not a single method out there that works for every situation. What I do want to ask you though, is this: Are you sure you want a guy you have to work so hard for? If you were FULLY AND COMPLETELY connected to how amazing you are….if you were in complete alignment with the fact that your heart is PRECIOUS and SACRED and it’s your job to protect it and only hand it over to a worthy person…..do you really think you would be trying to “convince” a guy to be with you? When you KNOW your value and feel your value, you will not settle for anything less than a man who sees the very exact same thing about you….right? There is a man out there who has the capability to INSTANTLY know your value, see you through the eyes of truth and will value you for all that you offer. You have to see yourself that way FIRST if you are going to attract that kind of man. That is what is missing here….you are wanting HIM to value you so you don’t have to value yourself. You want HIM to choose you so you don’t have to do the work to choose yourself. You are want him to do for you, what you are not doing for yourself. We ALL do that though. We all want the “other” person to make us feel better because it’s easier. It takes work to sit with all of our own feelings and meet our own needs. It takes help to process and deal with the emptiness we feel inside.
So all that happened for you is very normal. If you read through many of the other posts here, you will find women who are just wanting connection with their guy and the guy is not available. Forgive yourself for not knowing. Be kind to yourself for having hope with a guy who is not available. Have compassion for yourself for loving a guy who couldn’t return it. And follow all of that up with starting to choose yourself. It will take time to disconnect and you will go through withdrawal, but eventually you will get to the other side and feel hole and complete within yourself and won’t need him for anything.
Heidi
Hi Gwendolyn,
Welcome! We are glad you are here!
Of course that’s possible. Anything is possible. I think the odds of that happening depends on a lot of things. How much is the age difference? And what are the ages? Are there similar lifestyles / interests? Is there a mutual intensity in attraction?
I dates a man 15 years younger than me at one point in my life for about a year. We had a GREAT relationship however, I knew it was never going to last…which I think can be a common outcome for many people dating someone in a different decade. There are challenges that show up when there is a large gap in age difference. But…just like any relationship, it has it’s pros and cons.
Would you mind sharing more detail about your situation?
Heidi
Hello and welcome!
I’m not sure I totally understand, so let me see if I get this correct. Your new neighbor is a guy you were with for 3 years. Then he ended up with another girl, who passed away about 6 months ago. And now you are wanting to re-kindle a relationship with him? Is this correct?
How long ago did you guys break up? What were the reasons?
Heidi
I’m not sure what advice you are wanting at present. It sounds like you both are just getting to know each other. Even though he is broken and has some really big trust issues, he is getting help and that is what matters. Personally, I WANT a guy who has been broken and has had some VERY difficult things happen in his life otherwise he wouldn’t understand me very well. I have had a lot of trauma, so it forced me into learning how to be resilient. That is one of the greatest gifts of trauma. So I don’t care what the traumas are that the guy has been through, what I care about and watch for most, is how he handles all of it…is the guy forgiving and releasing his past? Does he ask for help? Does he dive deep to get to know all parts of himself?
It sounds like your guy is making some great choices of learning how to get back up. I’m sure you are a wonderful motivator for him to keep working on healing the wounds from his past. It takes time. I have no doubt it goes much deeper than just being cheated on for him. So for now, just keep a pace that you feel comfortable with and keep being present with him. Your story in and of itself would be encouraging for him…knowing the kind of person you are.
Heidi
Hi Sunny,
Wow! I sure have been missing out on such a great story! It’s fascinating how all of this has turned out to this point. I am so so glad he was willing to open up and talk with you.
You really have been through a lot in your life. My heart goes out to you…your courage to get back up and take back control of your life is INCREDIBLE! Wow! You are very resilient! I think that is one of the most important qualities a person can have in their life.
Hi Sara
Okay! This makes sense! First and foremost, if he is losing his passion for work, he is losing it in his life. Trying for this new job and studying very hard and then not getting the job…yikes! I imagine that was a HUGE blow to him. He would feel embarrassed to tell the new lady in his life he didn’t get it…I know he did, but my guess is, he is taking it harder than you think.
Then he has surgery and you show him care and love in a way he has never felt before. He is already feeling like a “loser” because he didn’t get the job, he doesn’t like where he is currently working and now he is “helpless” post surgery. He would be feeling like 1 big ball of crap….that’s my guess. And then there you are, caring for him and offering him a ton of support and love and help. He is telling you what his issue is. It’s too much for him.
You know in the morning, how when you first turn the light on, it’s hard to open your eyes? It’s too bright…it takes time to adjust. That’s what is most likely happening for him. He has had a LIFETIME of not feeling loved or cared for by his mother. Now you come along and show him what is “normal” and appropriate care and what his mother should have been like his entire life, but wasn’t. First, it would be a reflection of what he never had (and that would hurt) and second, he wouldn’t trust it nor like it, because it is waaaaay out of his comfort zone.
My very wise coach told me years ago…”The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they get better…and their system is not set up for it.” Meaning….he got to feel exactly what he wanted to feel with you, but his emotional system is not set up to be able to receive it. He has a TON of baggage he is carrying around. Your love, your care, your light is too much for a guy is lives more in the dark with his hurt and wounds he has never healed from his past.
This is not your fault. You showed him the possibility of what life is like out from under all of that baggage, but he just is not willing to let go and grow. He would rather stay connected to the lies and mis-trust he is feeling and all the low self esteem he has. My suggestion is to just let him be. I know it was great and wonderful and there is potential there. If this guy is already running from you because of how nice and caring and supportive you were, can you imagine what a relationship would be like with him? You have a BIG, WONDERFUL and caring heart and you should not have to be shrinking that because he is uncomfortable with it. That means you are making yourself smaller to suit him. You need to find a guy that makes you BIGGER, not smaller. You need to find a guy with A LOT more self esteem that is able to EMBRACE all that you are, not push you away. This guy would be a TON of work for you and full of drama long term. Pay attention to the HUGE RED FLAG here and let go. I know this is easier said than done. I know it hurts. I wish there was a way around it.
Heidi
Hi Beverly,
Welcome! We are really glad you are here. This is a really good question and it has multiple layers to it, so stay with us through the process. I just have more questions….
1. How long have you felt this way….not feeling love and compassion for him? How long ago did he cheat?
2. When he cheated, was it just once or was he actually having a longer type of affair?
3. How did it come out? Did you find out or did he decide to be honest about it?
4. What were his reasons for cheating?
5. Have you guys ever worked with an expert to get through this together?Whenever someone is “dead” inside, so to speak, towards their partner, they have disconnected from themselves and wounds and trauma from the past have taken over….when that happens, their heart goes on lockdown. So imagine 4 GIANT walls coming down and surrounding your heart. The parts of you that have not healed from the past, that have been cheated on before along with every other betrayal you have been through, turned the key to allow those walls to come down and protect your heart. Unfortunately, that means you don’t have access to your heart either. You are afraid. You don’t trust. You don’t feel safe. It sounds like you have been through a lot with men in your life. Yes?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
The text you sent was perfect! Leave it at that and give him some space now. Maybe in a few days you can send another text saying, “Just checking in. Is there anything I can do to help you? Anything I can do to make your life a little easier right now? I’m not sure the best ways to support you through this, so you are my guide.”
As far as spending more time together and camping etc. give it time. It’s only been a few months and he has a crazy, busy life. It’s going to take more time to become more of a priority in his life and that is GOOD! It keeps things at a slower pace. You get to practice patience. He is still responsive and connecting, so it sounds like you are heading in a good direction. Let him set the pace for what he is ready for and just sit back and relax. If you find yourself wanting to push for more, go have some fun on your own. Go find something to do that entertains you and fills up your heart. Make sure you are busy as well doing all kinds of fun things with friends or even just by yourself.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
