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Hi Shevanna!
How are you doing? We haven’t heard from you in awhile, so I thought I’d check in and see how you are feeling…
Hi Emilie!
Just checking in and seeing how you are doing. How are you feeling? Any new updates?? Any new, fun stories??
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Oooooh! So good to hear from you and get an update!!!
It sounds like you are going through some growing pains. I know when I am completely drained and emotionally challenged, EVERYTHING is hard! Remember that it’s just temporary. Figure out how to resolve things with your best friend and your mom. That will help when you feel connection with the important people in your life. Choose forgiveness. I also just helped my mom move and it was TOUGH! I love my mom to pieces, but it showed how different we are in this area….lol. I also had to remind myself of the MANY times my mom had to put up with me, at the expense of herself and how much it made my life easier because of it. I also reminded myself that my mama is getting older and in the last stage of her life. There will be a day that comes that I would give anything to move her again, hear her snore and feel that irritation because that would mean she was still with me. When you are stressed and challenged, it helps to find gratitude for what you DO have. It’s hard AND it’s a choice of the mindset you want to have about each moment.
As far as your pup, I am sooooo excited for you!!!! There is nothing like the love of an animal companion! You will figure it out! I hope the dog is a good egg. I know a TON about dogs, so if you have any questions, let me know. Most important, is he friendly to other dogs and people? Either way…I think this is great news and it can be very healing for you!
As far as the guy…I want to bring you back to this…it doesn’t matter why he keeps liking your social media posts. We can guess to the stars and back why he does that, but in the end, it doesn’t matter. If you find yourself keep getting pulled into that thought, maybe consider unfriending him. Each time you go down that road of “why this” or “why that” it’s your brain trying to make sense of everything. My guess is, it’s his way of trying to “soften” his choice. It might be his way of showing you he still cares and notices you, but he doesn’t want to be in relationship with you. He is the only one who knows, so leave it at that and let it go. It doesn’t matter anymore. Again, maybe consider unfriending him for awhile and allow yourself to heal. Each time you see that he likes your post, it’s like having a little stab wound for you. So protect yourself and allow yourself to heal. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Vicki,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge and question!
I would love more detail from you.
Tell me why you decided to behave that way on the day you ignored him and gave him 1 word answers. What was going on for you that you changed how you treated him?
How is it between you both at the moment? Do you still see him? How do you know you hurt his feelings?
Heidi
Hi Ayesha,
I just want to say that I am so so sorry for all that you are going through! You guys have a tumultuous relationship and there are a lot of reasons for that…and because you are choosing to stay and want to try and work through things…you are going to always have a lot to manage about the relationship…within yourself and with the relationship itself.
You are in a real tough spot here. He doesn’t feel respected by you, because you don’t respect him. He does things to break the trust. One conversation you might be able to have is to ask him what he needs from you to feel respected. You can start the conversation something like this: “You know, I really heard you the other day about you not feeling respected by me. Help me understand that more. What makes you feel that way? And how can I improve on that? What can I do to support you better?”
With him having narcissistic tendencies, this should go over really well. The thing is, being with a person who has really strong narcissistic tendencies, this is the reality of your choice to stay…you will always be serving him, making sure his needs are taken care of and you will always be putting yourself on the back burner. Your feelings are not as important as his. It’s like trying to bake the most amazing cake, with the best ingredients possible, but one of the ingredients is 3 cups of shit. No matter what you do to make that cake taste and look amazing, there is still 3 cups of shit in it…which makes it impossible to taste good, no matter how much sugar you put in it to mask the taste. It’s impossible. So your relationship will always be hard. He will not change. Those 3 cups of shit is just part of the recipe and always will be.
Does this make sense?
heidi
Hello!
Oh goodness, I sooooo completely understand your challenges and the rollercoaster ride of separation. I wish there were a magic pill to just make all the pain and hurt and longing go away…but alas, those emotions really can take us deep into ourselves and give us the opportunity for growth.
I am so glad you are staying busy and having some exciting things to look forward to! That definitely helps the process. And yes, emailing him that picture is breaking the no contact rule….BUT it is to be expected. Separating from someone is really hard and it’s actually quite normal to still reach out and send pics, send texts and do whatever you can to send in-direct messages. Be kind to yourself. This is hard. You will make it through, even if you do decide to send him more pics and texts. That’s part of YOUR process. Sometimes, connecting can cause more pain…which is a good thing…it helps you to disconnect even more. Either way…you are doing the very best that you can. Separating is not a perfect process…it’s a messy one. So just let it be messy and trust that you will figure it out and get where you want to go at some point.
Again, this is the time to be VERY diligent about listening to yourself and connecting with yourself. You are having a hard time separating from him because he made you feel a very specific way that you really loved. Separating then means you are left with a BIG HOLE and you are wanting him to keep filling it…naturally. So now YOU have to fill that hole. Every day, look in the mirror and talk to the wounded part of you saying things like, “I know it hurts to not be fought for. I will fight for you. I love you and even though he didn’t choose you, I choose you.” Another technique you can do is to write a letter of everything you ever want to say to him. Go somewhere beautiful, tie that letter to several helium balloons and then release it. Let it all go. Every time you get angry at him, follow that anger with saying “AND….I choose to forgive him for all of his limitations.” Every time you miss him and crave that attention from him following that craving with saying “I understand you want to feel this from him. The door is closed now. It’s time to turn to a new vision.” And then think about all the new possibilities ahead of you. You HAVE to create a new vision as you are letting go of an old vision.
Doing all of these things is a several times a day kind of thing. You are post “emotional surgery” right now, which means you need to be on top of your self care ALL THE TIME!!! Every thought that pulls you back into thinking about him, needs to be followed by other thoughts full of the truth and that get you connected back to yourself and your new dreams. This will help you heal even faster!!
Heidi
Hi Lee,
Thank you for sharing more details! You really grew up and are still dealing with some very difficult parents. No wonder why you have chosen this relationship that is so hard. You are sooooo used to doing what is hard, that you don’t trust ease and peace. Ease and peace would actually be quite uncomfortable for you, just because of the simple fact that it is unfamiliar and unknown. You trust chaos and challenge more than peace and ease, so your relationship will support that. I’m not saying you know this consciously, but if you look at the relationship you have chosen, it tells you the story of your subconscious and the energies you carry within you.
Here is the thing…it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does. What matters is that you get very clear about what you want. You need to decide what is right for you. If you want to stay with your guy and he doesn’t want to do counseling, then do counseling yourself. You have a lot of buried emotions and wounds you can deal with on your own. That, in and of itself, can help your relationship grow in a lot of different ways. Maybe at some point, he will join you.
It’s not your job to convince anyone to do anything. Let him be who he wants to be and you go do you. You both need individual counseling anyway, to address your personal, deeper issues that have nothing to do with the relationship. So you just starting the process would be a great thing for you!!!
Is that possible?
Heidi
Hi Misty!
My heart goes out to you! I”m so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s really tough to come to terms with reality vs. the fantasy and dream you have created with him.
I agree with Kanya. Reality is, he is just not available. He never has been. Emotional intimacy is just in the cards for him at the moment. He has too much fear in the way. Yes, I have no doubt he is a great guy and does a lot of things to help people, but that’s not very deep stuff. They are moments in time where he will connect with people and then walk away. That’s easy for him.
I would like to invite you to look inside yourself. What is happening for you that you would give your heart to a man who isn’t available? Imagine that you are going to bake a cake. You have all the BEST ingredients and the most amazing recipe….EXCEPT….1 of those ingredients has to be SHIT. You must add 3 cups of shit to the cake recipe. The problem is…no matter how amazing the ingredients or recipe, that 3 cups of shit is going to ruin it…no matter what you do. Are you sure this is what you want for a relationship? Yes, there are some amazing ingredients in your relationship….you wouldn’t be connected with him if there weren’t….AND…he has a big pile of shit that ruins it all in a split second. So not matter what you do, this is the kind of cake (relationship) you will always have with him.
You move beyond this by setting boundaries and starting to value yourself more. You de-value yourself by allowing him to be intimate with you and then walking away. You need to break up with him and allow your poor heart to heal and separate from him, so you can re-build your life and who you are, without him in it. THEN…when you feel you have patched things up…you can be just friends again.
I know it’s extreme, but you are in dangerous territory here. You are not protecting your very precious and valuable heart each time you have sex or bring him into your life…you love him and have put him in the best friend category and those are places he doesn’t deserve to be. He abuses and does not respect those very special areas of yours, so he needs to get booted out. He has mis-used you so many times and that’s not his fault. He is exactly who he says he is….it’s your choice to allow yourself to be treated this way. If you want things to change, that means YOU change. I realize you aren’t really ready to let all of this go and that’s okay. No once can tell you when you are ready. You have be in enough pain and suffer enough to finally fight for yourself and say NO MORE! You might need to go through this cycle a few more times before you decide to fight for yourself…and that’s okay too. God knows, I’ve done that plenty of times before. I LOVE the quote Kanya said “in my 20″s I tried to change men. In my 40’s, I change direction.” I finally go so sick of trying to adjust or change situations so they could work out and now…I just change directions and don’t even participate. I only got to that place because I was tired of suffering and hurting. I had to find my value and connect that to certain standards and not accept anything less than that.
HOw does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Lee,
It sounds like you both are doing what you can to continue to grow. I want to ask again, about what Kanya suggested, but in a different way. What is keeping you both together?
You both are so unhappy and challenged by each other, what is keeping you in this relationship? Relationships that are THIS hard and difficult, usually means it’s time for an ending. It doesn’t have to be this hard. You both obviously have a lot of woundedness and subconscious beliefs that are affecting the relationship. You say you are doing your part, yes? Share with us what exactly you are doing to work on those insecure parts of yourself?
Do you know why your boyfriend was resistant to therapy? Do you both have another session set up to go again?
I’m curious…how do you guys argue? It think this is one of the most important places to begin changing, if you are going to make it. Do you guys say mean things to each other? Do you guys tend to point the finger at each other and blame? Do you yell a lot? How is your communication??
Heidi
Hi Julie!
Do you guys do much video calling? Also, there is a great app I use called Marco Polo. it’s video voice messaging. It’s waaaay better than texting and you can actually see the person, their gestures etc. You watch their video and then you respond when you get a chance. it’s really fun! it’s what I use with my international friends. It also ends up saving me a ton of time because I can just prop my phone up on my dashboard and press “start” and just talk while I am driving or I listen to their videos while I’m driving. It’s great! This may be a good way to connect between visits in person.I do agree with Kanya in that it sounds like things are heading down the right track. Stay present and don’t worry about 2 months down the road. What matters is right now….and right now, he is connective, you still feel that your heart is open to connecting. When and if the door shuts down for you or him, it just will and you will know it when it happens…and you will deal with it then. So for now, the door is open and that’s all that matters. Everything is going really well! You are doing a great job!
And there is nothing wrong with being honest about the sexting with him. You simply say, “listen…I love the sexting aspect. I do need to be honest and let you know that a part of me wants to know you better first. We have only seen each other 2x and that’s okay. I just would like to have more time with you in person before I really open up that aspect of myself to you. Is that something you feel okay with??”
Heidi
Hi Sunny!
Yikes! I am soooo proud of you!!! Well done for using your voice and standing up for yourself and requiring to be treated in a certain way. Wow!!! How did you feel??? This is so spectacular!
I know it was hurtful. It’s important for you to see how HE responds. He didn’t create a very safe space for you to share whatever you needed to share. It sounds like through the whole conversation, you had to keep avoiding certain topics because HE didn’t like the topics or was un-interested. This is good for you to see. Essentially he is not really creating a very safe space for you to be fully and completely who you are. He sounds quite fragile emotionally and quite judgmental.
Regardless, I think the MOST IMPORTANT aspect here was you using your voice. You empowered yourself and he needed to feel your strength. You need to really give yourself a gazillion gold stars for that!
How are you doing today? How is he responding to you now?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Let me answer your question about what I mean about you not connecting with yourself. I didn’t mean it as a general blanket statement. You ARE connected and there are moments / areas where you are not connected. We all have high self esteem and low self esteem. So that’s all I meant. I was just referring to this particular topic.
1. You had tears when you thought about disconnecting from that guy. Did you ever connect to those emotions and find out what was REALLY happening for you?
2. You said this a few a days ago: “It’s already hard enough to be alone and not find someone to share my life with without being reminded of it all the time…”
What’s hard? You are struggling not because you don’t have someone to share your life with, but for a deeper reason. I know for me, when I am longing for a guy, when I am getting frustrated that he isn’t here yet, when I am not feeling patient about being single, I am not connecting with myself in those moments. I am wanting a “guy” to meet my needs instead of doing it myself. Those feelings are symptoms for me, that I am out of alignment with myself. When I am centered, meeting my needs of connection, self love, working on my spirituality, having enough fun etc….I don’t mind being single at all. I don’t mind that my guy isn’t here yet. I am completely and utterly happy with how my life is. I am fulfilled.
The way you talk, you don’t sound fulfilled. Your life sounds amazing with all that you do, but there is an underlying feeling that you don’t feel fulfilled without a guy, therefor it’s hard being single.
Reality is, your grandma, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t be able to affect you much with their judgment if you weren’t judging yourself. I get reminded ALL the time that I am single by people around me. I get told I am too picky. I get told I need to lighten up. I get told I should go online and start dating. It doesn’t phase me, most of the time. There are days however, where it gets under my skin and that’s an instant sign I am disconnected from myself.
So that’s all that I am saying about you being disconnected. Your tears, you saying it’s hard to be single, you having a hard time being judged about being single….these are just MOMENTS of disconnection that lead you deeper in the areas of yourself where low self esteem lives.
Does this make more sense?
Heidi
Hi EB,
I understand your need to send him those pictures. You are wanting him to see you are happy and have a life without him. I’m glad you were out and about and having some fun!Here is the thing. You are wanting Paul to do something for you that you are not willing to do yourself. What is it? You sent him those pictures, why? What were you wanting from him? What did you want him to feel?
It is so hard to separate from someone, especially as a woman. We have a tendency to really entangle. Part of it, is it’s just how we are made. Men are different in this department usually. Part of it comes from woundedness and wanting to feel / resolve certain things. The latter part is what we do have control over and what we have the ability to shift within ourselves. It gives us opportunities to meet our own needs instead of wanting someone else to do it for us. When we are able to do that, it helps us disconnect from an unhealthy source much easier.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Gwendolyn!
Well…it sounds like he is really making you feel good. He sounds sweet and attentive. I just have a few questions…
The first part of me wonders, do you even like him back? How well do you know him? I ask this because it is not an uncommon thing for a lady to have a response to a man who is pursuing them. It’s kind of like “Wow, he likes me” and then you have a chemical, emotional response to the fact that you are being pursued vs. actually liking HIM because you know him, he makes you laugh, he is interesting to talk to etc. I’ve done this many times in my life and it never once has gone well when I gave in. It’s something to pay attention to. So….tell me about him and why you like him and would be considering having a relationship with him.
Also, there is a BIG risk getting involved in a such a tight nit group. If things don’t go well between the 2 of you, it affects the entire group. Is that something you are okay with?
Lastly, I’m just going to point out a simple fact. If you are uncomfortable with his age, enough that you cannot even admit the age difference here, then that is a BIG RED FLAG. Your embarrassment about it matters. The guy I dated that was 15 years younger than me, I was embarrassed. I worked on it many, many times, but there were big reality checks when we went out with MY friends in my age group and there were DEFINITE differences in how we talked and what we talked about compared to him. He didn’t fit. He was just in a different decade and it was evident. Things like that show up all over the place. So there are challenges when it comes to age differences. If you feel embarrassed about it now, it’s only going to get worse. Listen to your embarrassment and honor it.
I also even wonder if this guy is interested in a relationship or if he is just out for sex. Do you get a sense about that at all? How well do you know him?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
No need to be embarrassed. I understand you are trying to get his attention and keep his attention and sexting is a good way to do that.
I would just be careful. First, sexting is about fantasy and that can be a dangerous thing when you don’t know each other very well. It creates a certain idea in both people’s minds about what it’s like in bed with each other, so the real thing could actually end up being disappointing. It’s different if you’ve been together many times first and then do the sexting. The sexting will actually be based on what you know each other likes etc….so it’s more real.
I still want to encourage you to sloooooow down. You are wanting him as a lifetime partner and you barely know this guy. You have only met 2x in person. There is so much you do not know about him. What is he like when he is angry? How does he treat you and others and himself when he is under job stress? How does he handle your upsets? What is his communication like when his feelings are hurt?
According to studies, there are some foundational qualities that need to exist in a relationship in order for them to last. One of those qualities is: you treat each other with respect, even when arguing. I always tell people, you don’t know if you really love someone or if they even should have your love, until you have seen them in their worst. You have to be able to love and accept the worst side of them, before you know if you are really safe with them.
I’m not sure I understand why you think you messed anything up. Are you worried that you are sexting too much and therefore wouldn’t think of you as a lifetime partner? I’m not real clear about this. I imagine he is just not thinking that way towards you right now first, because he is a guy and he barely knows you and second, he is dealing with a major loss and that will occupy his heart and mind for awhile. So what makes you think you messed up?
Heidi
