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Great to hear from you again.
Yes, it is an endless mind game with a narcissist. It’s exhausting. My father was one and I finally figure it all out in my 20’s about how to really “manage” the relationship. It worked super well, except that maybe 1-2x a year, it would all fall apart. Eventually, the relationship ended. It was hard at first, but then I started noticing how much more I liked myself, how much more energy I had to go after my dreams, how much more I felt connected to the other people in my life. My life just got soooooo much better once I let go of playing all those games all the time….so I completely understand what you are going through.
Let me ask you this…what is keeping you with him? What benefits to you receive by staying? What are you getting out of this that you would choose a relationship where you don’t exist?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
Did you make it home safe?
It definitely does sound like a stressful time. It’s super hard to be around someone who is so negative and has so much low self esteem. Has she always been like this? I’m glad you finally used your voice and said something. She is REALLY wonderful practice for you for setting boundaries, forcing you to take care of yourself, learning how to communicate your feelings. These are all the things you need to improve so you start to exist more in your life.
When do you get your pup? I’m excited for your! I can’t wait to hear about it all!
Heidi
Hi Vicki,
Just checking in! We haven’t heard back from you and we would love to help. Are you still here?
Heidi
Hi Dana,
You really are struggling. I can feel it.
First of all, the very first place to start is to be more kind and compassionate with yourself. You have this habit of saying how “stupid” it is that you feel what you feel. You are treating yourself EXACTLY like your best friend is treating you…with very little care. If you want people to treat you differently, it starts with you and how you treat yourself first and foremost. There NOTHING stupid about your thoughts and feelings. You are just being you and going through VERY NORMAL breakup thoughts and emotions. BE KIND to yourself!!! Otherwise, all you will do is continue to attract people who match that energy you have towards yourself. If you want to attract a man who has respect for you, kindness and love about every part of you, there is no way you will be able to receive any of that until you practice receiving it from your own self. This is really an important and crucial aspect if you want that “peace” in your life and to be happy.
As far as Helio, maybe work on shifting those thoughts into something that is more true. With all of those thoughts, you are making it more about something being wrong with you and that he doesn’t want you. Instead, take ownership of what has happened. You just said that you don’t want to be with a man who you have to “convince” to be with you. So start saying instead, “Helio is not right for me. I am worth loving and fighting for and he is not able to do that. I DON”T WANT THAT KIND OF MAN IN MY LIFE!! I deserve more and better.” Everytime you miss him, you stop those thoughts and remind yourself how he was not available for you. When you allow yourself to head into the energy of missing him, it’s just your very natural desire to want to feel connected. It’s like what the video said…you get a dose of the chemicals you became addicted to. So get control and start to finish the story. He was great AND he wasn’t. He was both and ultimately, as great as he was and as wonderful as you got to feel with him sometimes, he is VERY LIMITED and IS NOT the full package….and you want the full package. Does this make sense? Do you see the difference of energy between the thoughts you are having vs. the thoughts I have listed? This is about empowering yourself and not putting the power into HIS hands. The power is in YOUR hands!
I’m sorry about your best friend. What is stopping you from creating whatever you need? Why not get creative and go and have some fun. Can you rent a cheap hotel somewhere and go do what you need to do?? This would be a great time to practice setting some boundaries and choosing to take care of yourself finally.
Your new pup….this is great that you have experience with this breed! It sounds like he is dog friendly! My dog attempts humping all of the time and I understand the reasons behind it, so it’s more manageable, but he super dog friendly, so I wouldn’t worry about it. From what everyone has said, he sounds pretty wonderful and ready to love and be loved. You will figure it all out! Trust yourself so you can rest.
Heidi
It’s not unusual to feel more tired. Even though you are resting, your body and mind are used to moving. I know that when I have days where I end up being a couch potato…I feel awful. I’m sleepy, foggy and my body has a hard time moving. We are not meant to “rest” and do nothing. Our bodies were designed to move and use the fuel of our food. There are a ton of things you can do though. Upper body workouts would be good right now, strengthening your core, working on your balance….
Man…New York will most likely make you feel “oppressed” like Hong Kong. It is a very intense city. Horns always honking, TONS of people moving all the time and on a mission, constant noise and very little greenery….but that also depends on where you are at. There are patched here and there and then of course there is the park. Either way, it is a “must see at least once” kind of thing. There is no place like it here in the U.S. I’m excited for you!
Heidi
HI Sunita!
Wow! I am so sorry for how he has been treating you. It sounds like you are finding your inner strength though. Sometimes, there are people that show up that cause us to forget who we are. I have done that before! I have found myself feeling completely insecure, acting like a little mouse before. It’s amazing! I am even aware that I am doing it and I’m saying to myself, “where the heck are you Heidi??? Where did you go?” As hard as these experiences are, the most amazing thing to feel is when you DO find yourself again….when you get your power back. You have been giving away your power to Stephen, so this has been sooooo good for you to take back your power!!! Well done!!! You are stronger for it!!! You finally fought for yourself and decided to end things!
Just something to be aware of too. I understand you felt justified to hit him below the belt with your comments and beliefs. Remember how it feels when he said hurtful things to you?? It’s awful! Nobody deserves to feel that way. Causing someone to feel bad about themselves only contributes to their low self esteem and yucky behaviors. You have such a beautiful and caring heart! It’s a skill and a CHOICE to stay connected to your caring heart when you are in the middle of feeling hurt. You wanted to hurt him back…which is quite normal actually. However, I also know that your best, higher self would not want to cause harm to him and cause more damage. He is who he is because he has had a lot of people treat him poorly and say horrible things to him. It’s sad really. Also remember that he is unstable. You want to do EVERYTHING you can to keep the peace…you never know what he is capable of, so if you say things to trigger his anger, his hurt, his need for revenge…you might find yourself in a sticky situation.
I think it’s good you just stay away and keep disconnected. Hopefully at some point, he will get the idea that you are not changing your mind and it’s over.
Heidi
Hi Dana!
Your new pup: First, trust that he is coming into your life and that you will figure it all out. I have a dog, I dog sit as well, I get to the gym…my day usually goes from 4:30am to 8pm. I love my life and everything I get to do everyday! Your pup will become a part of that. I get that you can’t see how you are going to figure that out, but you will. You have to find your groove, discover his patterns, personality etc. and over time, you see how you couldn’t imagine your life without him. There are always doggie day cares and dog walkers to help you out as well. Boxers are CRAZY high energy type of dogs. As far as dominating that one dog, there could be a few different reasons why. It could be that simple, that he was just dominating….very normal dog behavior, it could be that he needs to RUN and get his energy out, it could be the messages the other dog was giving off. Either way, you are going to be his new pack leader. Cesar Milan is always a great resource for understanding dog behavior. Exercise is def. one of the MOST important things you need to ensure for a high energy dog like a boxer. Go on run with him, get on a bike and teach him to run next to you, find out if he likes fetching a tennis ball etc. He will just need to run and most likely run a lot. I have worked with boxers before and that is soooo important. After they have had some good exercise, THEN you train them and teach them what you want from them. They will be tired and more focused. I understand that you get worried because of the last dog dying so early. That is no doubt a hard thing to go through. Bringing an animal into your life means that at some point you are going to lose them, as they have short life spans. You will be okay! You handled it last time and will be able to handle it again! The love and bond you create with this new pup will be worth every second. He is ready for your love and care and he is ready to bond with you. What a beautiful story of how he came into your life!!! I wish I could see pics as well! I’m really excited for you!
So tell me what kinds of thoughts (specifically) you keep having about Helio? And what do you do when you have those thoughts?
It sounds like you and your best friend have some things to work through. 35 years is sooooo long. That is like a sister…she might as well be, right? Which means you guys can push each other’s buttons sooooo fast! Are you working to resolve things with her, or are things on standby at the moment?
Heidi
Good to hear from you!
So what are you doing to find yourself more? I love that you care about how mad you get. That means you have a really wonderful and caring heart, despite that anger. We would love to talk with you more about that anger if you are interested. Are there certain things that trigger your anger that you aware of??
Heidi
Oh no! My guess is, that injury probably showed up because of when you fractured your butt bone. Your hips still might be off a bit.
I love that you spent your weekend on the couch watching tv. Those kinds of weekends are necessary every once in awhile!
So you are coming to NYC??? Have you ever been here before? How long are you staying??
Heidi
