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Eva! This is sooooo wonderful to hear!!! I am just sooo happy that you finally cut ties and feel really good about it! It sounds like you figured it out and the end result is closure for you and that is what matters. If you start to feel a pull back to him and want to start texting him again, use your girlfriends for help. Let them know and have them help you through those sticking points (if they show up). It’s always good to have a plan and prepare for could happen.
I’m also happy to hear your single girlfriend inspires you! Being single and really getting to know yourself without a man, is a spectacular process. Yes, there are moments where you will crave connection with a man, but those moments are also important for you to learn how to connect with yourself and not look for man to fill those holes. When you approach it that way….you start to fill those holes yourself and become much more solid…which in turns raises your vibration and energy so as to attract a much healthier man, because you are more healthy. It’s all worth it! Being single is a lot of fun! If you need some ideas about adjusting to that mindset and lifestyle, just let us know!
Heidi
Hi Angela,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. This is a difficult situation as the long distance part really makes thing very challenging.
I just have a few questions. How long has it been long distance out of the 4 years? If I understand correctly, he cannot come visit you and marry you because he was rejected by the embassy. Does that mean there can be no more visits? Do you guys frequently visit each other at all? Are you able to go visit him?
One of the very best things you can do is to give him some space. Something has happened and he won’t tell you. Marriage is also very scary, especially if his parents do not even know about you. Is he close with his parents? What is the age difference between you guys?
Lastly, he also lost his job. Losing his job and getting rejected by the embassy is a lot of stress. For men, they NEED a way to produce things in life. It is a very important part of who they are. So when they lose a job, it literally can make them feel quite worthless and powerless. I have seen and experienced relationships fall apart when the man lost his job. Men have a VERY hard time doing anything, especially being in a relationship, when their careers or jobs are not in order. And then to add long distance to the equation and then to add being rejected by the embassy….he just may be feeling very defeated and so he is shutting down emotionally.
Give him some time and space. Don’t send him anymore money, stop emailing and contacting him and let him have some time to himself. See what happens. The more you chase him, the further away he will run right now. If he doesn’t see and feel how valuable you are in his life when you pull away, then he is not someone you want to marry. I understand the intensity of connection you feel. My last relationship was twin flame type of connection and it didn’t work out. Twin flames energy is so intense and beautiful, but it does not guarantee you are meant to be together forever. In fact, many times those relationships don’t last. He has to choose to fight for himself, you cannot do that for him. By trying to rescue him by sending him money and trying to re-connect, he is not figuring out his own life…who he is as a man. So give him some space to figure that out and re-create his identity.
This is just a starting place.Do you feel you can do that?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
Thank you for sharing more details. It is helpful!
First, you have been through a lot. Being a victim of a crime is so traumatizing and if you didn’t have anyone to help you through something like that, I can see why you were in a very challenging headspace. I’m soooo glad there is that program where you can get help and that you started that process. That’s wonderful!!! If I understand correctly though, you do not want to stay where you are at. You want to go back home?? Even though you don’t have the money right now to move back home, you DO have help and that is invaluable. It’s worth it to stay to get help before you return back home where the trauma happened. You have some new friends and you even have a new job offer. It sounds like doors are opening up for you there!
I’m also guessing you and this guy have not been together for very long. I’m assuming you met each other when you moved there 6 months ago…yes?
If that is true, I can see why he would feel overwhelmed. The beginning of relationships are meant to be a time of a lot of fun and play and getting to know each other…for a good 6-8 months. Unfortunately, you have a trauma you have to deal with, so it changes the situation and how you guys interact with each other. It just sounds like he felt a ton of pressure and when there isn’t a strong foundation for a relationship that has been built over a lot of time together, it’s easy for the relationship to crumble when there is enough pressure.Again, if you focus on yourself and work on your healing and give him some space, he may return to experience the new you that is stronger and more empowered.
Can you share more about his perspective? When he said the relationship was too much work, do you understand what he was meaning by that? Do you understand his perspective and agree with him? Or did you have a different experience than him?
Heidi
Hi Anne,
I am so sorry to hear this. I know your heart is broken right now. Aside from needing space, did he give you any other reasons? It’s important to make sure that you don’t start creating stories about what is happening, unless there is evidence of that. Your 6 months of self loathing and being in a rut may have contributed, but he has part in this as well. He has limitations and is human as well, so don’t “blame” yourself for having a difficult phase in your life. You are human and you did the very best that you could at the time.
No regrets. Regrets are dangerous and toxic. Forgive yourself for being limited. Forgive yourself for struggling. Forgive yourself for not being enough for him. You are learning and growing and that’s what is most important here. Keep your focus and attention in the present moment and work on letting go of the past so you can move forward with much more ease. You might be surprised….anything can happen. As you lift your spirits and become more of who you are, he may end up coming back around. If not him, then another guy who matched you better. I know you couldn’t imagine that right now and that’s okay. The point is, it’s important for you to love yourself through this. Make sure you really lean on your friends right now. Make sure you are taking really good care of yourself with healthy food, exercise and having some fun. Whenever I am intensely sad, animals help me a lot. I will go find some horses to brush, dogs to walk, cats to pet etc. So you want to find activities that help nourish your broken heart. It will help you heal.
I’m curious about the rut you were in. Can you explain a little further and why you think that is the cause of this? What was his response to you during this time?
Heidi
Hi Lina,
Another thing I thought of that may be helpful is if he became more educated about dreams itself. I find it really interesting that he feels he is “in love” with her, because of how intense his dreams are about her. Dreams can feel very real, however not really meant to be taken literal….although it can feel that way. Dreams can be so many different things from being predictive, to being a reflection of your personal relationship with yourself, to being messages. Very rarely are they meant to be taken literal. Denise Linn is a dream expert among many other things. She is a Native Indian who has many talents and takes a very interesting approach to dreams. Here is the link. http://www.deniselinn.com/Books.htm
If that book doesn’t resonate with you, there are MANY others out there. If you just google the topic, I’m sure you will have a myriad of choices. It might be a helpful thing for him to understand what is REALLY happening with his dreams. I know there are also dream experts out there that can help him interpret what is happening for him. Maybe doing a few sessions with a dream expert, if he is willing, could break his personal interpretation of what he is believing he feels about this other woman.
I know that whenever I have some intense dreams that affect how I am feeling in a negative way or causing me to feel disoriented or confused, I always ask for light to come in and surround my dreams and me and to show me the truth behind the messages of my dream.
Another thing I always do whenever there is confusion, is say the statement, “I choose to see this person or situation through eyes of truth. Or…I ask to see the truth about this situation.” You both can be making that statement and proclamation and you might be surprised what ends up coming out.Just another thought…
Heidi
Hi Amber,
I am so sorry! I know how you feel. I have had many of those moments in my life where I sat by my phone just dying to hear back from the guy and doing everything I could to not contact him and having a gazillion thoughts about what went wrong. It’s such a horrible place to be in.
You have lost yourself. It’s time to find yourself again and get you centered and back into your confidence. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is such a new relationship and you barely know him. This is why holding off on sex for awhile is really important. It helps to create a more authentic experience. For men, it’s much easier to have sex and have some fun and then have another lady they want to conquer and have sex with her and have fun etc….you know the type….players. They come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. And he is being quite the chicken by slowly disconnecting and hoping you get the point so he doesn’t have to say to you, “It’s not working out.” You are more than welcome to keep waiting and hoping he will respond. But if you are going to do that, you need to find your center again and get grounded in the reality that you barely know this guy and there you are, expending all of your thought and energy on him. He has not earned the right to have this much attention from you. You are valuable and worth fighting for!!! He does not know that and the only way he, or any guy for that matter, will know that is when you start treating yourself that way.
No more texting him. No more you initiating plans. No more sex. If he doesn’t align and respond to you, then you know he isn’t truly invested in you. It doesn’t mean he is bad or wrong or that there is something wrong with you…it just means it’s not a match…it’s really that simple.
Is this something you are you willing to do?
Heidi
Wow! I am so sorry….ouch!!! Talk about getting some serious validation!!! That’s amazing that you met that woman! I think it is so great! First, it validates your experiences and second, it really lets you know that this is not about changing yourself, or figuring out a technique….he just is who he is and it’s really that simple.
Let’s talk about this anger more. This is not all ridiculous. Your feelings are not silly or stupid…they matter and every ounce of them are important and need to be validated and listened to. Yes, you are drawn to him intensely and trying to pull yourself off of that addiction you have to him, is terribly difficult. Again…he is giving you something you are not giving to yourself. He is helping to fill a big hole inside your heart. Vent more here….say everything you want to say to him and tell me and Kanya. We are safe people to let it all out with!!!
You are correct in that telling him is not helpful. It will fall onto deaf ears. When you try to confront someone with deep honest feelings, one of the most important key elements is that they care and would want to know. He does not fit into that category, which means you are opening yourself up to some very deep hurt. You can be honest, but in a cautious way. Keep it very simple. “I’m finally ready to really disconnect. This texting back and forth is just not enough for me anymore. What you and I want are 2 very different things and it’s time that I really honor that. It’s time to stop all of this, so let’s just agree to no longer contact each other and go our separate ways.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
I totally understand. It really is one of the hardest parts about being in relationship with someone….you want him to be different. You want him to care about how he is making you feel and fix it and he won’t. First, the core challenge here is that again…you both are on different pages. You are no longer in a “committed” relationship, but you guys are still together in a big way. Since he has broken off the commitment, I imagine he feels he has the freedom to care less about what kind of boyfriend he is being. You however, are still just as invested as before and are viewing your connection with him with just as much desire and intensity as when you were together. You both have very different mindsets about this whole thing.
Ashley, he has broken up and as long as you keep participating in this design of still keeping connected with him as much as you are, you are going to continue to be hurt by his lack of response, his lack of care, his shifting attitude. You both are delaying the inevitable. Distance is not the issue here. He may claim it is and I’m sure that may be part of his reasoning, but there is something deeper happening here that is within HIM…of which I doubt he even fully understands. Something in him is wanting to move in a different direction and you both are terrified of that. You have been so enmeshed with each other that neither of you can’t imagine each other’s lives without the other in it. Trying to separate is terrifying. You both have lost your individual identities and now that he has “broken up” sort of…you both are getting a taste of what life feels like as an individual vs. a couple. And this gray zone of being broken up, but not really acting like it…it’s an even more painful place than if he actually really broke up. Being in the gray zone is torture, because there is no ending. It is the constant place of not knowing, constant hurt, no resolution to anything, it’s connection but not really because the commitment is gone…in the short term it feels better because you guys are getting a daily fix of each other, but the long term has a lot of harmful consequences. However, breaking off completely has intense hurt in the short term, but long term is healing. Just consider that. I understand you aren’t ready for any of that yet and that’s okay. You both will somehow work through this, as this design of being broken up but not really, will not last. Something will have to change at some point and you both will be forced to deal with it whether you are ready or not.
In the meantime, your goal is to take care of yourself. You have accepted that he isn’t responding as quickly as you would like, but it doesn’t change that it hurts every time. Getting used to it means you are just shoving your feelings away, because that is the only way to accept his choices. Your feelings matter and the one person who they need to matter most to, is you. Here is a question that is hard, but will bring you to the truth of you….What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? When you hurt because he isn’t responding, what are wanting from him in those moments? And then how can you meet that need for yourself?
Heidi
Hi Alina,
I’m so sorry for all that you are going through! I can see why this situation is so confusing as there are a TON of mixed messages going on here.
First and foremost, he is split. He is partly yours and partly the other woman’s. It doesn’t matter that he claims not to love her…he still has energy going in her direction. Until he closes the door on her, there is no possible way for him have any clear, moving forward direction with you. He doesn’t want to let you go, but he also does not commit. He is getting some of his needs met by another woman. So he needs to decide. In order to really be with you, fully and completely, he needs to kill off all other options….NOW! No more time.
If he is not willing to do that, then you have a decision to make. The problem with this whole situation is you both are living split lives. Divorce or not…other woman or not….be vulnerable and connected or not….you BOTH are split. I have no doubt he is also picking up on signals from you. How in the world can you be vulnerable, connected, open and honest with him, knowing he is also with another woman and you have not agreed to an open relationship? So I’m sure you have walls and a lot of hurt feelings that leak out into the relationship.
So why not open up a conversation with him asking him this question…”What would it take for you to feel like you want to fully be committed to me…and only me?” that question can open all kinds of understanding for you to see what is stopping him from being vulnerable with you on all levels. Also ask that question of yourself. Why not plan a fun date for that conversation. Get all dressed up and feel beautiful, then go to a nice restaurant with a good, cozy ambiance and have that conversation.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Misty!
I’m curious….what is the longest period of time that you have actually been alone? Meaning, not married, not dating someone?
You are doing such a great job getting to know yourself! Spending time alone and working on figuring out who you really are, your essence, is so important! Everything you mentioned are the roles you play in your life. Your essence is who more about your character. Who are you when no one is looking? Who are you in your nature? How do you treat people naturally? What do you do for fun, even if no one was around? I love the lookout mountain by the way! I do that kind of stuff all of the time! Being in nature and observing our mother earth’s beauty is so nourishing to my soul….that is part of my essence. So I make sure that at the minimum, I get out and hike at least once a week. Most of the time, I get out about 3-4 a week…that is part of who I am. Hopefully these questions can lead you deeper into your spirit and your nature.
Another thought I had is to maybe try a different approach when talking with Brad about something you are wanting to know. I’m not sure of the kinds of questions you are asking about that is causing him to feel maxed out, but there is really an art to questions. We can help give you some ideas here, if you need help and some ideas! But my thought is…what if you asked those questions in an indirect way….in a more playful curious way? For example…instead of being direct by saying “Is there something wrong? Why am I not hearing from you when you get home?” (This is just an example…I’m not saying you say this). Instead you can say, “You have had such long days at work. I can only imagine that you when you get home, you are so tired and just want to be quiet. I know that’s probably how I would feel at the end of those long days. I don’t know how you do it!” That can open up the conversation for you to learn how he feels a the end of the day, without feeling the pressure to take care of your insecurities he knows are there by asking that first question. That’s exhausting for a man! A follow up question could be, “Is there anything I can do for you that would make the end of your work day more regenerating or helpful?” In this particular example, I know sooo many men who will open up so easily when they know they have space and woman who isn’t being needy and trying pull something from them. Do you understand the concept? So basically, it’s more about asking more indirect, fun questions that help you get to know him, it gives him opportunities to talk about himself and he feels like you want to know him. Then you will actually get more information out of him because he won’t be walled off and in protective mode.
As far as men want a woman who has her own life, it is actually more than just that. Think about what that represents. A woman who has her own life is confident, independent, thinks for herself and doesn’t “need” a man. She “wants” a man, but she doesn’t “need” a man to make her feel better. At least that is the ideal…that is what a man wants. It is exhausting for a man to constantly re-assure his woman of things, especially on the same thing. There is nothing wrong asking for help with some things. Many times I will ask for help in specific ways like, “I’m feeling insecure right now. Not hearing from you when you get home from work is hard for me. It triggers some old wounds that I am working through, so I’m not asking you to be any different. I will take care of it. But would you mind right now just telling me that I matter in your life? It will be helpful for me to hear that.” Do you see the difference how you are taking responsibility for your own insecurity and expecting HIM to change his behavior so you can feel better. AND….you get to activate his hero instinct by asking for his help.
Hopefully these give you some new ideas about how to approach getting your needs met without looking to him to make you feel better.
Does this all make sense?
Heidi
Hi Ashley,
It really sounds like you both are on different pages. Do you think it’s possible with him going out with his friends at home more, maybe he is seeing his other “options” and wanting some freedom? That is also not unusual for people when they graduate. That thought popped into my mind because he wasn’t wanting you to go visit him. That feels a bit “off” to me, so it made me wonder why.
I am wondering if your “worry” about him not responding and whether he is safe and you feeling sad when he isn’t around over the summers…I’m think he may also be feeling a lot of pressure to make you happy. Meaning, he needs to know you are okay without him. He needs to know you can be happy and live your life whether he texts you when he gets home, whether you miss him, whether he responds or not to finish your text conversation. Have you ever asked him how your responses make him feel?
Here is another question you could pose to see if you could get inside his head a little more…”what would it take for this relationship to work?”
heidi
Hi EB,
Thank you so much for sharing your passion! I loved it! It’s a lot to think about. there is nothing easy about knowing how people are suffering. That is a very tough topic and I am so happy to know you are passionate about listening and getting involved the way you have. Please keep sharing!
Of course you will miss Paul. He is an illusion that keeps you company. You feel connected, you feel wanted, you feel your sexuality, you feel really good when he comes after you! Those are all wonderful things to feel! It just doesn’t have any sustainability, solidarity or relationship quality exchanges….therefore, he is an illusion. He makes you feel all of those wonderful things, but he is just a text and nothing more. It’s powerful isn’t it???
It’s just going to be hard. Once you block him, do not turn back. Do not give yourself the option to unblock. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. Keep doing what you are doing and at some point, you will reach the place of feeling ready to close the door on this experience. But to close the door only to know you can open it again…that can even more harmful to yourself. Make a decision and stick to it. That’s important.
Make sense?
Heidi
Okay….there really are a lot more dynamics happening here. Thank you for sharing more detail.
First and foremost, he is NOT in love with her. Love takes time to build. He is infatuated and being flooded with chemicals that make him feel a certain way, but it’s all surface. None of it means anything as there is no substance or foundation behind it. I find it difficult to believe she isn’t contacting him or that they are not having any form of communication. First, for her to go to such efforts to set up the situation the way it is, and to then just walk away? Not so sure about that. And…he is still having strong feelings for her and claiming he “loves” her makes me sense that something is feeding his feelings. It’s pretty difficult for new feelings to sustain / grow without them being fed. It’s like a fire that starts as a little flame. Without oxygen / wood, it would not grow into a fire. It sounds like he has quite the fire going on, which would make me suspect it’s being fed somehow. I know he is being honest about a lot of things, but he could also be omitting things as well. I don’t know, but I have my suspicions.
Here is the bottom line. He is fumbling all over the place and neither of you are committing to a path. Both paths are scary. You will never get anywhere or see any changes until you commit to a path. You both need some guidance and help through this process. Why not present a path something to this affect….”We aren’t together and we are not separating. It’s not getting us anywhere. It’s time to decide. Here is a path we can take that will generate some type of movement instead of going round and round in circles. Let’s commit to counseling for 3 months. Let’s view this as just getting an expert’s opinion to help us figure out our next steps. I’m not saying to go to figure out our marriage and that’s the purpose. I’m proposing to go in order to create clarity…whether that means separating or staying together, let’s get a perspective from an expert who knows more about this stuff than we do.”
You guys need some type of action. You can’t keep going round and round like this. It causes more damage. So since neither of you are willing to make a decision, then work with someone who can help lead you in a direction towards making a decision.
I’m not sure I understand clearly, your question about communication. What exactly are you wanting ideas about?
Heidi
Hello!
Welcome and thank you so much for sharing your story.
I first just want to start out by saying, it isn’t as simple as getting a divorce or not. There are many dynamics involved in a situation like this, both individually and then together as a couple. There is much more happening than him continuing to have feelings for her. There is much more than the simple, “I didn’t activate his hero instinct.”
Bottom line, whenever someone is not getting their needs met, it’s up to them to correct that. You are not responsible for him, his happiness, his needs. As partners, our responsibilities to each other are more supportive vs. being the fixer. The fixer role belongs to the person themselves. We could make a long list of your mistakes and his mistakes along the way, before this other person came into the picture. So what? You messed up, he messed up and that is just human. A strong partnership just means you work through all of those mistakes together, doesn’t blame and moves forward. I’m only saying this because both of you are blaming yourselves for where you are at right now. Blame doesn’t need to be part of the equation. It makes things worse. Instead, having the mindset of….well, I sure messed up that part, so I’m gonna learn how to be a better partner.
I’m a bit confused as to the current situation. Are you guys living separately? Is he still seeing that girl and her little boy?
And of course she set all of this up. She sounds quite masterful actually. Smart woman. Your poor husband has gotten blindsided and has no idea what he is really dealing with or walking into. Those chemicals that are flooding his system are much stronger than his higher levels of thinking and awareness. He is being very naïve about all of this.
Have you guys considered a counselor? I only say this because there may be some deeper areas to navigate in your relationship that can bring some understanding, solidarity and healing to the relationship, but you need someone who specializes in this area of couples.
Is the relationship worth fighting for? I wish I could answer that for you. I believe you already know the answer to that. You are not done yet. You want to try more things before you give up. So have at it! Only you will know when and if you are done working on your relationship. It’s a personal journey and whatever and however long it takes, it’s all okay!
Before I make any further suggestions, let me know what your current situation is and we can go from there.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through. This is a very difficult situation and very confusing. You are wise to reach out to as many resources as possible to gather more information and perspectives. We can walk you through this and give you a lot of different ideas and ways of approaching things! One moment at a time…
Heidi
HOLY SMOKES MISTY!!!!
Wow…this is amazing! it sounds like you being more authentic and honest really caught his attention. Remember what he said to you: being open and honest with him is what attracts him. And he is showing you exactly that! AND the fact that he could be open and honest with you about what he needed from you…is really important. And you are listening and you are being very brave facing your fears in the way you are. It sounds like he is expanding your world and that is wonderful! How are you doing with meeting all those new people?
I’m glad you guys are just taking it slow and enjoying each other’s company and having a lot of fun. Yes, actions do speak louder than words sometimes. It sounds like he is showing you a lot more how he is feeling.
I’m really excited for you! Thank you for sharing all of this!
Heidi
