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Oh I’m excited about him joining you at the wedding. I’m assuming it happened already. How did it go?
I love that you are feeling less and less of a need to have control over how things go between you guys. It’s a great lesson to learn and one that is useful for EVERYONE!!!
And yes, keep following his lead until it doesn’t serve you anymore. When and if it gets to that point, you will deal with it then. Until then, you are doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
Is that something I should do? To really think about what needs I have. Absolutely. If he does want to come back, then you have to be VERY clear about what it’s going to take to get back together. You both do not want to step back into the same design of relationship, so you BOTH need to be very clear about what a “new” relationship would look like. Talking about what does work and what doesn’t work is important…and to be on the same page about that. So your side of the equation is important. Be clear about what you NEED to happen if he is going to come back into your life, otherwise it will be very easy to fall back into old habits.
So…imagine having that conversation with him. What do you NEED differently from him in order to feel like the partnership is really working for BOTH of you?
Heidi
How are you doing? I know it’s a struggle not to interpret all his signals. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is taking the lead here and you just following is helping to build trust between you guys.
I’m trying to build confidence but he knows me and maybe sees that I’m faking it to make myself believe it too! It’s okay that he sees your insecurities. We ALL have them. A good partner sees them and accepts that part of ourselves. No need to fake it. It’s important to embrace your insecurities…own them! The healthy way to do that is just accepting it’s part of who you are and not putting your insecurities onto anyone else. So if you are feeling insecure in a moment, just say it, own it, laugh at it and love yourself through it.
Any update about the wedding?
Heidi
I don’t necessarily need much in a relationship and honestly all I look for is honesty, loyalty, humour and compassion. You need more than you realize…you’ve just never had to think about it this way.
What if you owned a company and you needed to hire someone to take care of the most valuable aspects of your company. Would all you require is humour, compassion, honesty and loyalty? Those are absolutely important aspects, but far from the full list of what you would need from someone you would trust to run your company. You need communication, you need someone who is good with people, you need someone who has a vision and knows how to make it happen, right? It’s the same exact principle when looking for a partner. A place to start is looking at all the aspects of life in general… health, money, family etc. There is a lot to look at in order to truly understand what your needs are, beyond your wants. So what kinds of qualities would you look for when searching for a partner to run your business WITH you?
Like it still feels like we’re in a relationship and happy. It sounds like a part of you may be in denial. It’s not unusual when not wanting to face something really difficult and it’s okay that you still feel that way sometimes. Next time you notice that feeling, bring that part of yourself into the reality of what is happening. It’s important to be fully in reality instead of being in part reality and part fantasy. Tell that part of yourself “It’s over. We are not together anymore and it’s going to be okay.”
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
I wish I could just help him realize that dating can be fun and having the experience of a relationship without the pressure can be a good thing. This is how dating is supposed to be. He is putting sooooooo much pressure on himself and it’s all driven by fear. Instead of facing his fear, he is letting his fear drive his dating life. You don’t know if someone is capable of a long term relationship until you spend many many many months together. You have to fight, you have to laugh, you have to travel, you have to experience all kinds of things to figure out if there is long term compatibility. So…he really is going about this in an extremely difficult way that sets him up for failure, more than anything. Is his approach to dating part of your religious belief structure? I’m wondering why he is approaching dating this way…like if he was taught this or it strictly is something he made up for himself.
If you were to date, you cannot guarantee that he wouldn’t regret it. You are assuming that you guys would just have an amazing time, but who knows what would happen. Dating is a risk and that means dating you carries the potential for some serious heartbreak and pain and hurt for both or either of you. That potential exists just as much as the potential for you guys to have a long future. So instead of wanting to convince him of something you don’t have control over, it would be more about convincing him that no matter what happens, you will be okay and so will he…THAT is the truth. It’s one of the main ways to face fear…you get more connected to the truth that you are resourceful, resilient, strong and supported in life and no matter how things turn out, you will figure out how to navigate it and get back up your feet. The odds of him being able to get behind THAT truth are much higher than anything else you could say to him.
Heidi
Okay…so if you want him to “earn” you back, what exactly does that mean for you? What does he need to DO in order to get back into your life? Being clear about what EXACTLY it takes for him to get back in, IF he wants to…is imperative. You BOTH have to be on the same page in order to move forward. If your specific requirements are things that he does not align with, does that mean you are willing to completely let him go?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
Welcome! We are glad you are here sharing your story. Let’s see if we can shed some light onto your situation.
First, I’m wondering why you think you did something “wrong.” Did he say that he wasn’t interested because of the “stupid” thing you said? Something to think about…if saying “stupid” things is something you do all the time, you deserve to be loved and accepted JUST AS YOU ARE! So if this guy has trouble with that, he is not a good match for you. I’m curious…how many relationships have you been in? Are you experienced with dating?
He expressed to me that he won’t start dating a girl until he sees himself marrying her since he is scared to ever hurt a girls feelings. This is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flag. His thinking about love and marriage is very unrealistic and that makes him incredibly fragile and a very difficult partner. If he cannot handle hurting a woman, he has no business being in any kind of relationship at all. Love REQUIRES being hurt AND hurting. It’s just a normal part of connection and marriage and he is fooling himself into thinking that marriage offers any kind of security. Marriage is NOT a guarantee of anything. If he cannot even handle the risk to date a girl and have it not work out, then he sure as heck is not going to be very good at marriage. His reasoning and thinking is VERY young and not mature.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but being in a relationship with this guy would be EXTREMELY challenging. He has no idea who the heck he is in a relationship, how to handle the disappointments and triggers that show up in relationship, how to communicate through difficult times etc.
I understand you are really enjoying his connection and I’m not trying to change your mind. I just am warning you about what you are wanting to step into.
Did he say why he didn’t see you as potential? It sounds like you guys have a really good connection and friendship and enjoy so many of the same things. It’s strange that he has hung out with you for such extended periods of time but then decided he didn’t want to date you. So I’m looking for any kind of clear reason as to why he changed his mind.
Heidi
This is a great question, as it allows you to explore how you really feel.
How we treat ourselves, first and foremost, is how we end up teaching other people how to treat us. So if a guy breaks up and then wants to get back together and the girl says yes, she is teaching him that he is allowed to change his mind, without any specific requirements, agreements etc. and that she will just go along with it. A woman who has a lot of respect for herself and REQUIRES people to treat her with respect and kindness, she has standards. With standards, that means that she doesn’t just accept anybody into her inner circle. A person has to EARN the right to be in her inner circle, because she KNOWS she is valuable and her inner circle is a sacred, sacred space. That means she is discerning.
So…the answer to your question is more about YOUR standards and if you like your standards. Does he meet your standards? Do you want to say yes without really changing anything?
Heidi
Great! I’m so glad you love that question. It’s a tough one to answer sometimes, as it always puts the responsibility of meeting your needs in your own hands…and many people don’t want to do that kind of work.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the time that you guys had together! It sounds fantastic and wonderful and exactly what was needed. Well done on not pushing the relationship topic!!! You are doing such an amazing job!
My worry is that he’s going to be content with this friendship and not want to be in a relationship since it almost feels the same as what we had, just less consistent I understand this worry. Whenever you get worried, about anything in life, take a moment and re-connect yourself back to the truth….YOU WILL BE OKAY. There is no way to know how things will turn out…that is life in general. The only thing you can truly rely on EVER…is yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that however this turns out, you will figure out how to honor and love yourself through the very worst if that is what ends up happening. Even if the best ends up happening and you guys get back together, the worst can happen again and you lose him. My point is…when worry comes up and you are trying to look for some kind of solid answer to easy the worry, the ONLY answer that is 100% true is that you are resourceful and resilient and you will be okay no matter what shows up from day to day. Does this help?
Heidi
So when we did, maybe that kind of triggered other people leaving. This is a really good place to start. It’s incredibly difficult to feel totally invested in someone and then all of a sudden, in a confusing and shocking way, they decide to disconnect. It would be INCREDIBLY difficult to trust in any kind of connection, right? Of course it would trigger obsession the moment your guy disconnected the first time. We ALL have those types of experiences in our lives and it shapes our relationship with love and how we experience it. The truth about any relationship, is there is NEVER a guarantee. Relationship is a choice…always. So 30 years together DOES NOT guarantee another day together. That’s the hardest part about connection. It’s always a risk. The goal is, having the strength to risk and KNOWING that if it doesn’t sustain, for whatever reason, that you will be okay and figure out how to heal and grow from the experience. The idea is, each experience is meant to teach you about yourself and expand you…and then you move forward, hopefully not holding onto the pain from that past – which is really difficult unless you forgive and release the pain of the past. If you are dealing with depression, then that is letting you know there is a lot of pain from your past that you are holding onto and that hasn’t been resolved.
It’s a TON of pressure on either partner, to be the main confidant. When someone doesn’t have the support and connection with close friends, the partner ends up taking on a lot of attention that really is best to be directed towards friends. For a healthy connection, it’s important for BOTH people to have separate friends and separate lives – it helps keep the relationship more expanded. I’m so so sorry you have had to struggle with friendships. It’s awful what you have been through.
Sorry, I’m just feeling a lot right now, and I’m definitely overwhelmed with a lot of emotions and I’m trying to figure out how to move forward and I’m trying to figure out how to strengthen our connection once we get back on speaking terms.This is very normal. Separation from someone you love activates a serious emotional rollercoaster. Go with the flow and expect all of it at any time. One thing that was helpful for me after the hardest breakup was talking into a recorder whenever I felt what I felt. There is so much to say and feel and it’s important for it all to come OUT in healthy ways. Talking into a recorder, journaling, dancing your feelings, artwork your feelings, take a foam bat to a pillow…there are SO many ways to express how you feel in the moment. It’s important to give it all the space and time to exist WITHOUT judgment. You have a lot you have been carrying around for years, so this breakup is triggering ALL of it. It’s going to take some time. Stay committed to your growth and keep your attention on YOU. When you start to find yourself in the future about him, STOP yourself. Stay present. One moment at a time. The future thinking can absolutely stall and distract you from today. The future are just stories that are made up by your mind that have ZERO truth or reality to it…that’s why it’s a very dangerous place to live. It activates fear and that is what you need to stay away from for healing.
But I worry because so many people have change their minds about me and many people have left me after telling me that they would always be there and after telling me that they care and love me so much.I’m so sorry. This is so hard and the reality of relationship. I have lost soooo many people in my life as well. There is no such thing as forever, so as much as people say they love you and care about you and will always be there…it’s true in THAT moment. Love is a daily choice. I always encourage people to NOT use the words ALWAYS or NEVER – i.e. I will “always” be there for you or I will “never” leave you…those are promises that just are not realistic….because life happens. Children die, people cheat, accidents happen, sickness shows up.
A more healthy “promise” that anyone can keep is “I will always work on being honest and authentic. I want to be the best kind of partner I can possibly be. I will keep growing and learning about myself.” Those are the forever kind of promises that can actually be kept.One day at a time right now.
Heidi
Hello!
This is so great! You are learning about yourself and who you want to be. You are becoming more confident and deciding how you want to handle everything and it’s fantastic. It’s always a work in progress, but you are on a great path and you will continue to learn and grow.
I understand your fear about falling back into old patterning of obsessing and insecurity. That’s normal and it will happen again. It’s just part of growing. So expect it, but also look for the changes that happen and celebrate the growth. For example, when you do fall back into insecurity or obsessing, notice that maybe you don’t stay there as long and you are able to pull yourself back to the truth and get grounded again. CELEBRATE that! That’s growth! Or maybe your obsessing is less intense. CELEBRATE that! That’s growth.
I would also like to suggest to explore where these feelings are coming from. Maybe past abandonment? Usually when we get triggered into big emotions as an adult, it links back to childhood experiences and feelings that we never processed. That is the way to be able to truly shift any fear, insecurity, obsession….get the core root story/belief that is running in your subconscious that easily gets activated.
Keep up the good work! You are doing great!
Heidi
Good job with everything you are learning! It is quite the process to discover the core root or the “why” behind your feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem etc. You are learning now how to recognize the symptom though…which is a start. Here is an exercise that can help uncover deeper stuff within. It’s called left/right handwriting. Whichever hand you write with, represent you right now…your adult self. Your hand represents the little girl inside who is carrying a lot of the hurt and fear and low self-esteem that you feel. Get a pen and paper, or I like to use BIG construction paper and have a pen for my adult and a big crayon for my little girl – and have a conversation. It begins with your adult. You ask your little girl questions about how she is feeling. So it can start with “Hi! I’m so excited to get to talk with you. I can feel your sadness right now. Do you want to tell me about that?” Then switch the pen to the other hand and write the answer with that hand. Let your mind just go blank and DO NOT filter what comes up. Just write whatever words come up and give that space to feel whatever it is that she wants to feel. Make sure you are not trying to “think” about it for too long. Just open up your mind and let the words flow out of you. DO NOT judge or filter or select what comes up. Just write. When you feel she is done talking, then switch hands back to the “adult” hand and ask her more questions. MOST IMPORTANTLY, your job, as the adult, is to JUST LISTEN!!! DO NOT try and fix what she is feeling. Just validate, hold space for her and let her know that you love her and that you appreciate her sharing with you and that you got her…you are going to protect her and take better care of her. It’s how we “parent” ourselves. This is a really tough question to answer, but it always brings us back to ourselves…What is it that you are wanting from him, that you are not willing to give to yourself? Whenever we are looking for someone outside of us to behave or act in a certain way so that we can feel better, our hurt will go away, the pain will subside…that giving our power away and needing THEM to fix our hurt….so asking, What do you want from him, that you re not willing to give to yourself? causes you to take back your power and fix yourself…WITHOUT him. Stay empowered. Know that you have everything you need to heal the hurt and the baggage you carry WITHOUT other people apologizing, or changing, or being different in order for you to feel better. So maybe your little girl response says “I am so sad. I feel like my heart is hurting.” and then your adult says “I can feel that. Tell me about it. Is there any other time you remember feeling like this?” little girl says “I remember mommy one time really yelled at me and it made me feel bad.” the adult says “I am so sorry you felt like that. I understand. It feels really awful when someone yells at you.” she says “I am a bad little girl. I couldn’t make mommy happy.” you say “I know it feels like that sometimes. I just want you to know that I love you and I do not think you are bad girl. Even though mommy wasn’t happy, it’s not your fault. You are okay and I’m wrapping my arms around you and loving you so much!”
The more you practice this exercise, the more you will become comfortable with it and you will be able to connect with this part of you, even without writing. Still to this day, when I write with my little girl, I am surprised at what comes up. It’s a really great way to access your subconscious and develop the love and connection with yourself….it teaches you how to be a good mom!!!
Really taking responsibility for your own feelings and reactions, will change the dynamics completely in any relationship. When I get into arguments with any of my inner circle people, I OWN my reactions…I use my skills to deal with my hurt and I talk with them about their feelings, my feelings and we teach each other about what we learned and what we need differently moving forward. There is NEVER any blaming, pointing the finger, victim mentality or criticism. There is just a lot of respect, openness, curiosity and learning. It doesn’t mean that we don’t get heated sometimes, it just means that no matter how upset or angry we feels, respect and care is the foundation that we operate from. So no matter what the differences are, like your guy is saying, there is peace knowing there are work arounds. Even in the healthiest of relationship, there is a percentage of issues that will NEVER truly get resolved. That’s normal, because there are differences. Learning how to work with them, embrace them and maintain respect and openness is how you move through those differences.
So…how about trying to have a conversation with him about the relationship WITHOUT trying to get back together. I call it the “Investigative Reporter Mindset.” Instead of trying to figure out how to get him back, be an investigative reporter and gather the facts. Ask a lot of questions with the purpose of trying to find DEEP understanding about the situation. BE CURIOUS!!! Most people LOVE LOVE LOVE when you are curious about them.
Here is how the conversation can start. “So listen. Since our breakup I have been doing a lot of reading, watching videos and learning more about myself. I am really seeing how a lot of my low self-esteem and insecurities have shown up in our relationship. It’s very eye opening. Can I ask you some questions about how you are feeling about our relationship? I am not asking in efforts to get back together. I am asking because I want to learn about myself and you have a perspective about me that is unique. I also truly want to understand what you are feeling and why. I just want to listen and understand with no agenda to try and change your mind.” So ask your questions. There are a million you could ask about what he has already shared, so how about we come up with some questions together that you can ask him. Keep that list with you when you talk with him. The intent of the conversation is just to LISTEN. No different than talking with your little girl. Validate, listen and hold space for the feelings and ask another question.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I understand you really want to have him back. You deeply care and love him. You are heading in a GOOD direction though! It’s incredibly important that you respect his choice and his boundaries. A lot of trust gets broken in a breakup process when the woman becomes determined to get the guy back – and she does EVERYTHING to try to get him back by overtaxing, trying to convince him, trying to change his mind, trying to prove they are meant to be together….all the while, she is not understanding that the message she is sending him is that she doesn’t trust his process, she doesn’t respect his boundaries and most of all…that her needs are more important than his. A woman who chases the man after a breakup ends up really sabotaging trust, emotional safety and respect…all things that are incredibly important if a guy is going to come back.
He NEEDS to feel that you respect his choice. He NEEDS to feel that you trust his process and even though he is taking distance right now, it’s what HE NEEDS!!! So by trying to convince him that his needs are wrong or less important than yours by trying to force your own needs of being back together…it can trigger his walls. AND….something very important to understand about men in general…they respect and enjoy a woman who can stand on her own. When they feel that their woman can be okay separate than them, a man will deeply relax and have deep respect for her knowing she can take care of herself. A woman who constantly messages him, begs him, pleads with him, tries to convince him of what is “right” and what “should” be, makes him feel her weakness and insecurity…which in the end breaks trust and respect as well. So…keep giving him space and let HIM lead. Who knows why he isn’t texting…that’s just a guessing game. Your job is to respect his space, trust in the timing of it and stop trying to force his connection.
I know how hard this is for you. It’s really hard for most women because we are such strong connectors. But earning his respect and trust needs to be your TOP priority and you will do that by listening to his needs and doing what he asks and respecting his choice. It does not guarantee you will get back together…nothing does…but it’s your best chance at getting him back.
Heidi
