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It sounds like you guys had a really beautiful beginning and transition into becoming romantic. It also sounds like there is good, healthy, open communication when times get a little sticky…so those are wonderful foundations!
It also sounds like he knows how to ask for space. He did it before and now he is doing it again. I’m guessing when his stress level gets high enough, he needs to withdraw and go into his “cave” so he can process everything…alone. It’s definitely scary, isn’t it? Especially when it’s long distance. It’s okay though. He was clear that his work has been stressful and got laid off and like I said…that can literally cause a man to completely fall apart – which means he has little to no capacity for his partner. Don’t take it personal. Remember that he is in survival mode right now. It sounds like it would be okay to reach out every couple of days so he knows you are still there and supporting him from a distance. Maybe send some funny videos, send him job opportunities, send him encouragement, send him “I love yous” etc. Use your intuition. You DO NOT want to ask about the status of your relationship or how he feels about you or if you did something wrong etc. TRUST HIS PROCESS. Let him go through this the way he needs to and he will emerge when he is ready. THEN…when he is more stable and present and connected, you guys can have a conversation about how to navigate a stressful situation in the future. Him completely pulling away is SUPER tough on you and he needs to know that. Try and find some common ground so you BOTH are able to stay connected and secure in the relationship, even in the midst of separation. But again, wait to talk about all of that once he is more secure in a new job and new direction.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Gee,
Oh man, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Men are not very good at relationships when their career is in an upheaval. It’s incredibly hard for a woman to sit by and deal with her man disconnecting from her, especially when she can be the best support. It’s just not how a lot of men operate.
Men are typically defined by their ability to “produce.” When that is taken away, they completely lose themselves and all aspects of their life go into upheaval. For women, it’s our ability to “connect.” That’s why we are the relationship caretakers. We can lose a job and feel okay heavily relying on our connections whereas a man tends to pull away, go into a cave and try to put a plan together, while not thinking about anybody but himself. We are just built differently, that’s all.
I’m curious, have you guys ever met in person? How long have you been together? LDR makes all of this sooooo incredibly difficult, because you can’t be in the same space which makes it easier for him to receive your help. Although, he might push you away regardless. When you guys have had arguments, does he tend to push you away and put his walls up??
For now, you can send small, short, CONCISE messages letting him know that you are still there – maybe once every couple of days. Hopefully he will emerge soon and want to re-connect. Otherwise, it’s just a waiting game, because it’s on his terms right now. He has to want to keep the relationship and maybe that won’t happen until he finds a new job – I don’t know.
Heidi
Hi Maribel,
Welcome! You are asking a really great question. Unfortunately, there is no real answer, because every couple and every person in the couple is different.
Here is something to think about. One of the top reasons why relationship don’t last is because of how they treat each other during stressful times. Poor communication, ghosting, stonewalling, criticizing etc. are all types of behaviors that break trust and emotional safety and are doses of poison to a relationship and eventually becomes much stronger than the love that exists. Love is never enough to keep a couple together. That actually is rarely the problem or challenge. Love is like a flower. You have to keep its environment clean – keep the weeds away, keep the insects from eating it, water it, feed it etc. Otherwise, the environment will eventually win out and kill the flower.
Instead of letting your love for him determine whether or not you want to keep fighting for him, let the environment around the flower tell you. It sounds like the constant fighting – the weeds – are overtaking the love – the flower. So it’s more about looking at the real dynamics behind the constant fighting…on your side of the equation. You can’t take that journey for him, as that’s for HIM to figure out…if he wants. I used to have a boyfriend in a college where we were sooooo in love and electric, yet we fought all the time about the little stuff…4-5 times a day, it was ridiculous. We broke up and got back together so many times, it was comical. I also felt the same as you…he turned the smallest shit into an argument and it drove me nuts. I am not a fighter, but him and I together…man we were fireworks…both in a beautiful and a not so beautiful way. Eventually I had to walk away because there was no way I was going to live my life like that long term, no matter how much I loved him. Funny enough, 30 years later, he found me and we reconnected. The sparks were still crazy alive and instantly palpable AND given enough time, I saw that same pattern arising where we were heading into conflict. I realized that him and I together, no matter how great we were, was NOT going to be a peaceful easy thing…so for me…it was not worth working things out. I am more committed to a peaceful, nourishing type of relationship, not a firey, argumentative one. So you have to decide…what type of love do you want to experience? If you want to keep dealing with all the drama, then you are not done and want to fight for him. If you don’t want to support that kind of love, then it’s time for you to accept that it’s over. You cannot change him, so if you decide to stay, you are embracing WHO HE IS right now and not who he could be. If both of you were willing to learn and grow and shift the fighting energy, then there is potential there. Is that something he would be willing to do with you?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing a little more detail.
What happened that you “went off” on him? What boundary did you cross?
First, there are some pretty big red flags here. He said he didn’t have feelings for her, but then said he did and announced it to the world instead of talking to you about it. They were together 13 years and then no contact for 2 years – exactly what he is doing to you. He said she was a “narcissistic psycho who didn’t care about him at all” is a statement CLEARLY showing you he still has a TON of negative feelings about her that sound pretty resentful – this is a guy who can’t let go and forgive. It’s also a statement that is very “victim.” He is still quite wounded and has a pretty negative mindset that he is holding onto.
He has shut you out pretty quickly because you “crossed a boundary” – something that is pretty standard in relationships…we are all human and you guys are still getting to know each other so boundary crossing is part of the “stumbling” part as you both learn each other. He is being pretty black and white here and that is not a guy who is able to support a healthy, sustainable relationship.
I know you felt happy with him and felt like everything was really good between you guys. From what you are telling me though, this was inevitable. The internal baggage this guy is carrying, means he is not very emotionally available, forgiving or respectful towards you. I’m pointing these things out to you, because it’s important for you to connect to what IS NOT okay, to help you deal with this breakup. It’s VERY normal to spend all your waking hours thinking about him, but the problem is…you most likely are only seeing how good it was and NOT looking at the red flags about how he is handling all of this, how he has lied to you and how disrespectful he has been.
It doesn’t mean that things were not great too! I’m sure they were – AND – he is showing you a side to himself that is NOT okay as well. He is BOTH.
One of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is being respectful towards each other during stressful times. How 2 people treat each other in their worst moments, will INSTANTLY make or break emotional safety and trust. If those are broken, then they need to be repaired before the relationship can stand on solid ground. I’m guessing you said some things during your upset that felt disrespectful for him. Maybe that is a pattern you have when you are upset – something for you to look at and start to work on, yes? And on the other hand, his response is also quite disrespectful…so isn’t it interesting that he pointed the finger at you for crossing his boundary, yet he turns around and posts to the world that he still has feelings for his ex – basically admitting that he lied to you all this time. Do you see the level of narcissism happening here on his side of things? I’m not saying he is a narcissist at all – I’m just saying his behaviors have that flavor to it.
So again…I’m only pointing out all the red flag stuff here to help you get grounded in the REALITY vs. living in fantasy all day about him, that just keeps you feeling tortured by the loss of him.
It’s going to take some time. Here area few ways to help yourself. Journal. It REALLY helps to actually write down whatever you are feelings…all of it! Light a candle and spend some time giving your feelings space to be expressed. During one of my hardest breakups, I would journal at night and then during the day, I had a digital recorder that I would pretend was him. I would talk into it ALL THE TIME!!! It’s so important to give your feelings a place to go. When your thoughts and feelings stay inside, they can grow emotional “mold” and become stagnant and toxic. Part of healing, is allowing them to MOVE…give them a place to go. Journaling, talking to friends, a therapist, venting here on this forum, talk into a recorder, dancing your feelings….all give a pathway for your feelings to be expressed and allow some space for healing.
I would also suggest to find some new activities to do. It helps you have some fun. Dance class? Art class? Hiking groups? Happy hour meetups? There are soooooo many activities available to you, so go meet some new people and learn how to do something really fun. You can go to Meetup.com. That’s a great platform for finding different groups in your area.
And lastly, you get over him by CHOOSING every single day to let go of the dream you created around him. Every single time you find yourself looping in some kind of story about you and him together, you STOP yourself and remind yourself of the reality…IT’S OVER. You will have to do that a hundred times a day at first, but when you let your mind just wander off about you and him and then hurt and cry and do it over and over again, you are NOT healing. You are looping. The way you stop looping is by putting truth into your mind. IT’S OVER. Say goodbye. If you want to heal, you have to get tough with yourself.
Here is a video that may help you understand what you are going through.
Heidi
Hi Kristy
Welcome to the forum! This must be really confusing for you and heartbreaking. It’s awful to find out his true feelings this way. It was pretty awful of him to do it in the way that he did…it was a very uncaring thing for him to do to you. I know your heart is hurting. Breakups are incredibly difficult.
Would you mind sharing more details about what happened? From what you shared, it doesn’t sound like there was anything missing from your relationship. It sounds like he is still in love with his ex…and that is NOT something you can fix or change. How long ago did they break up? How long did they go out? Was she the ex before you? Did he ever talk about what happened between them?
You said you know he still has feelings for you. How do you know that? When he said it can’t be fixed, does he mean his feelings for his ex aren’t going to change or was he referring to something else? I’m not sure if you guys discussed the dynamics of your relationship. Did he admit to not feeling happy or anything of that nature? Or is his heart just not available?
Heidi
It sounds like you feel complete here. Thank you for sharing your journey with me. I’m honored. Keep up the good work. Dealing with mental health challenges is not easy AND you are learning so much. You are a fighter and you are doing great work. That keeps you empowered instead of being a victim, so well done! Come back anytime!
Heidi
Oh this is great news! I’m so glad you guys had a great time!!!
As far as talking about having sex, that part is up to you. There are 2 ways to approach it. First, say nothing. Don’t acknowledge it and don’t put any big meaning on it and don’t expect it to happen again. If it does, then great! You can talk about it at that point possibly.
The second option is to talk about it, but in a very specific way. Do not talk about the meaning of it. It’s important to understand that guys are much better equipped to have sex without meaning and be okay with it. I’m not saying that is what he did, but you still want to not put any pressure on him about feelings and getting back together. How do CAN talk about it though, is in relation to YOU and what you need. You can say something like, “Listen…the other night was so wonderful for me. It felt incredible to be connected with you again. I need to say though…I still have very strong feelings for you, so having sex is hard for me knowing that you are not ready to be with me again. I completely honor the space you are in and I need you to honor me in that I don’t want to have sex with you again, until you are really ready to step back in and give this another try. My heart just can’t take it otherwise….” Personally, I would say something like this. I think it’s very important that he knows that he can’t just connect with you like that anytime he wants and then walk away. That is you allowing him to use you and not pay attention to how it makes you feel. So setting this boundary puts him in check and is you protecting your beautiful and sacred heart. Sex with someone you love is NOT a casual thing and needs to be within a container you both agree upon. Plus, setting this boundary can absolutely increase his respect for you. When a girl who wants her man back says NO to sex…that tells the guy that she is not willing to do ANYTHING to get him back…that he still has to work for it and earn her her body and earn her intimacy. Does this make sense?
So it’s up to you!
Heidi
Oh I’m excited about him joining you at the wedding. I’m assuming it happened already. How did it go?
I love that you are feeling less and less of a need to have control over how things go between you guys. It’s a great lesson to learn and one that is useful for EVERYONE!!!
And yes, keep following his lead until it doesn’t serve you anymore. When and if it gets to that point, you will deal with it then. Until then, you are doing such a great job!!!
Heidi
Is that something I should do? To really think about what needs I have. Absolutely. If he does want to come back, then you have to be VERY clear about what it’s going to take to get back together. You both do not want to step back into the same design of relationship, so you BOTH need to be very clear about what a “new” relationship would look like. Talking about what does work and what doesn’t work is important…and to be on the same page about that. So your side of the equation is important. Be clear about what you NEED to happen if he is going to come back into your life, otherwise it will be very easy to fall back into old habits.
So…imagine having that conversation with him. What do you NEED differently from him in order to feel like the partnership is really working for BOTH of you?
Heidi
How are you doing? I know it’s a struggle not to interpret all his signals. You have to keep reminding yourself that he is taking the lead here and you just following is helping to build trust between you guys.
I’m trying to build confidence but he knows me and maybe sees that I’m faking it to make myself believe it too! It’s okay that he sees your insecurities. We ALL have them. A good partner sees them and accepts that part of ourselves. No need to fake it. It’s important to embrace your insecurities…own them! The healthy way to do that is just accepting it’s part of who you are and not putting your insecurities onto anyone else. So if you are feeling insecure in a moment, just say it, own it, laugh at it and love yourself through it.
Any update about the wedding?
Heidi
I don’t necessarily need much in a relationship and honestly all I look for is honesty, loyalty, humour and compassion. You need more than you realize…you’ve just never had to think about it this way.
What if you owned a company and you needed to hire someone to take care of the most valuable aspects of your company. Would all you require is humour, compassion, honesty and loyalty? Those are absolutely important aspects, but far from the full list of what you would need from someone you would trust to run your company. You need communication, you need someone who is good with people, you need someone who has a vision and knows how to make it happen, right? It’s the same exact principle when looking for a partner. A place to start is looking at all the aspects of life in general… health, money, family etc. There is a lot to look at in order to truly understand what your needs are, beyond your wants. So what kinds of qualities would you look for when searching for a partner to run your business WITH you?
Like it still feels like we’re in a relationship and happy. It sounds like a part of you may be in denial. It’s not unusual when not wanting to face something really difficult and it’s okay that you still feel that way sometimes. Next time you notice that feeling, bring that part of yourself into the reality of what is happening. It’s important to be fully in reality instead of being in part reality and part fantasy. Tell that part of yourself “It’s over. We are not together anymore and it’s going to be okay.”
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
Hi Caroline,
I’m glad you guys got together again and watched a movie. How was it for you? Did you enjoy it? I’m curious if you brought up the relationship and tried to talk about it. I know you have been struggling with not saying anything.
I really want to encourage you to let go of trying to figure out his signals, his choices and how he feels. When you try to play the guessing game about what he is feeling, it can get crazy messy. Your mind will make up all kinds of stories about what his actions mean and most of the time, there are missing pieces that you need to understand the full picture.
Instead of trying to interpret his feelings, spend your energy on just being present with him in the moment. Since you have been the one to mostly initiate talking about the relationship, I think it’s best to continue to let HIM take the lead. You move much faster than he is willing to, so unfortunately when this happens, the slower person needs to be the one to determine the pace for a while…especially while building trust. Continue to hang out and enjoy each other, but DO NOT expect anything romantic from him.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone’s limit is different. If it gets to a point that you can’t stand it anymore, then you will say something and take that risk of putting pressure on him. If you are able to let go and just go with the flow and let him determine how the relationship will function, then you get to do that. I will tell you though, the moment you head into the energy of trying to “convince” him on any level, that you guys are meant to be together etc. you will most likely push him away. That type of conversation carries and underlying tone of “I know what’s best and how you are feeling is wrong.” Again, if you want to talk about the relationship, then focus on staying curious and learning about him and why he feels how he does and what it would take for him to open up to you again. He may not know the answer to that, but even in the questioning, it can help him start to think about it differently.
As far as the wedding is concerned, I would just check in with him a few days beforehand and simply ask “Hey, I’m still planning on going to the wedding. If you still want to join me, let me know. I’m leaving at noon to head over there.” It’s light, no pressure and letting him know that you are still going, whether he joins you or not…and that always feels good for a guy to know their woman lives a life outside of them.
Heidi
I wish I could just help him realize that dating can be fun and having the experience of a relationship without the pressure can be a good thing. This is how dating is supposed to be. He is putting sooooooo much pressure on himself and it’s all driven by fear. Instead of facing his fear, he is letting his fear drive his dating life. You don’t know if someone is capable of a long term relationship until you spend many many many months together. You have to fight, you have to laugh, you have to travel, you have to experience all kinds of things to figure out if there is long term compatibility. So…he really is going about this in an extremely difficult way that sets him up for failure, more than anything. Is his approach to dating part of your religious belief structure? I’m wondering why he is approaching dating this way…like if he was taught this or it strictly is something he made up for himself.
If you were to date, you cannot guarantee that he wouldn’t regret it. You are assuming that you guys would just have an amazing time, but who knows what would happen. Dating is a risk and that means dating you carries the potential for some serious heartbreak and pain and hurt for both or either of you. That potential exists just as much as the potential for you guys to have a long future. So instead of wanting to convince him of something you don’t have control over, it would be more about convincing him that no matter what happens, you will be okay and so will he…THAT is the truth. It’s one of the main ways to face fear…you get more connected to the truth that you are resourceful, resilient, strong and supported in life and no matter how things turn out, you will figure out how to navigate it and get back up your feet. The odds of him being able to get behind THAT truth are much higher than anything else you could say to him.
Heidi
Okay…so if you want him to “earn” you back, what exactly does that mean for you? What does he need to DO in order to get back into your life? Being clear about what EXACTLY it takes for him to get back in, IF he wants to…is imperative. You BOTH have to be on the same page in order to move forward. If your specific requirements are things that he does not align with, does that mean you are willing to completely let him go?
Heidi
