Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Jeanie,
I’m so so sorry! I know it hurts. Rejection is very hard. Unfortunately, this ghosting thing is the #1 challenge for BOTH men and women when it comes to online dating.
What’s so difficult about it, is there is just no closure and you don’t know why, so your mind just keeps looping around and around and around trying to find some answers, when there just aren’t any.
The reason it hurts bad, is because it’s just showing you some areas of your self-esteem that need some love and attention….from you. Meaning…you are giving those guys a lot of power by letting them hurt you so much. Because they aren’t choosing you, they are rejecting you…your value goes down the toilet. So basically, you are putting your value and self worth in the hands of these guys. So when they disappear…..ouch!!! These are GREAT gifts for you. I know it hurts, but they also are moments where you are able to look at yourself and go “Wow…I am having some really intense reactions to this. What is happening inside of me that I am allowing someone else to define my value? What am I wanting those guys to do for me, that I am not willing to do myself?”
It’s more than just focusing on your own life. It’s about staying connected to yourself in the middle of this rejection and showing yourself compassion, kindness and love. I know for me, when I used to get stood up every once in awhile (before online dating existed), it used to crush me. Now…when I’ve been ghosted…yes, it still hurts of course, but I bounce back soooo quickly and get back connected to my value and worth within an hour when I really focus on it. I can recover soooo much faster, because I took a deep dive into the negative beliefs I had about myself and started working on healing them and replacing them with the truth and self love.
So now, not taking it personally is a much easier thing.What are your thoughts about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Amy!
Welcome! This is a bit of a tough situation as it seems to progressively keep getting more difficult to build a relationship. I’m really glad you both have that kind of connection.
I think the first thing to get really clear about is what committed means to you. Why is being committed important to you? If you were to become more committed in the relationship, what do you hope the relationship will look like that is different than how it is already functioning?
I would not advise on asking to meet his daughters. In reality, you both barely know each other. You have had such little in person time, that there still is a lot to learn about each other before involving the children. Give it some time and even see if you can make this 6 hour difference work for you guys. How does that feel for you?
Heidi
lol! Sounds like a good plan to stay away from judgment people. Life is so much more peaceful that way!!! But you won’t be able to avoid your grandma. Has she given you any “crap” lately about still being single? Maybe you are feeling better about all of that.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
You dined alone! I love that! So many people I know won’t do things like that, because they are just too uncomfortable. Makes me sad for them. They are really missing out on themselves!I’m so glad you are connecting into your addiction to his texts. Yes, you need to go cold turkey. So what would it take to do that? You know something is stopping you….what is it? Imagine blocking him and getting him 100% out of your life. What thoughts or feelings come up when you imagine that??
Heidi
Hi Dana,
I am so sorry. I know right now it is difficult trying to figure out how to make everything work. I know it would be nice to have some help. I get that feeling every once in awhile. I have to do everything on my own and sometimes I get pulled into the feeling wishing I had someone to help me with my life and not feel alone. Those moments come and go. I know having Helio, he would probably make you feel better right now. It’s moments like these that are important though. This is about you finding out that you CAN do this…without Helio or a man to help you. You CAN be resourceful. You CAN be patient. You CAN find the rhythm of your life with this new pup….all without the help of a man, even though that would be nice at the moment.
I am so sorry about how the vet treated you. It was a very insensitive thing to say and being that he barely gave an exam and still charged you, was not in integrity. YUK! I can see why he got under your skin. Part of why he got under your skin (other than not being very caring) is that he did say something that was true for you. If you were 100% invested and confident in this choice you made, no matter what anyone said, it wouldn’t cause you to doubt anything because you are aligned. I can tell by how you are talking, you are still wavering about your choice to take this dog.
Here is the truth about this dog. For now, he is high maintenance. The level of fear he carries will not give you that kind of relationship where you can relax and go to parks, go on hikes, taking him with you to friends’ houses. There is a lot to manage. Training can definitely help, but it’s unusual for the fear to go away. It’s in his nervous system and that stuff just doesn’t disappear after training…at least from my understanding. I do know of a person who works with that kind of stuff using flower essences and energy healing if that type of approach interests you. Just let me know. Otherwise, the truth is, you have a difficult dog which will make your life more difficult….and that’s okay! If you feel up for that, then go for it! If you don’t, which I think part of you might feel that way…then it is also okay to say “no.” You have that permission. Your life, your time, your energy is valuable. This dog takes up a lot of that, which means he may end up taking more from you than he is able to give to you in return. I personally could not have a difficult dog. It would cost me too much time and energy that I just don’t have to give, so I protect myself in that way. I am no good to anybody when I am tired, spend a lot of my energy trying to manage a difficult dog and not able to take care of myself the way I need in order to be effective in this world.
What I am basically saying is this…you are split. A part of you wants to invest in this dog and help him heal and a part of you is really questioning that because he is a high maintenance dog and most likely will be that way for the rest of his life. One thing I might suggest doing is getting with a trainer sooner than later who has A LOT of experience with a dog like him. Asking them about how likely it is that the fear will go away and what their experience has been with past dogs. They will be able to give you a more clear picture about what to really expect with him and what are realistic goals. Maybe gathering more information from an expert, will help you align with yourself in either direction.
Whatever you decide, it’s all okay. If you decide to keep him, then align with that and shut down every thought that comes into your mind saying you can’t do this, this is a bad idea, maybe I should give him back. Those thoughts need to be replaced with “This is MY dog now and my life is with him in it, no matter what. I will do whatever I can to make this work. That is my choice.”
What is stopping you from just running into the house (after work) and letting him out to do his business and then change and head to the gym? For now, it’s still light out later at night. You can take him to the park when you get home from the gym.
Make sure you stay connected to yourself when you feel like you are alone. It’s important to connect to yourself and say something like, “I know you feel alone right now. I am here. I am with you. We will get through this together. I am resourceful and resilient and all of this will get figured out.” Otherwise, it’s very easy to get pulled into that sinking feeling of the aloneness and then that will make you want to reach back out to Helio or some other unhealthy guy.
Hopefully all of this was okay to say. Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Hi Emily!
I just wanted to thank you for checking in! It’s great to hear from you! It sounds like you are making the very best use of this “restful” time you have while your body heals.
How was New York? I’d love to hear your thoughts about it!
How are you feeling about not dating at the moment? Do you find yourself getting stir crazy about it, or are you feeling comfortable just being with yourself right now?
Heidi
Hi Valerie,
I think it’s a great idea to do some work on your self worth. Being that you said you are worried he will forget about you, tells me much of your identity and self esteem is wrapped up in other people.
There are 2 different ways we function. It’s called internal locus of control (our inside defines our value, our worth, what we believe etc.) vs. external locus of control (the outside – other people / things – define our value, worth and what we believe). We all use both, BUT you want your main source of functioning to come from your internal locus of control.
That being said, you being worried he will forget about you, is a low self worth kind of statement. You are wanting him to remember you and value you instead of you valuing yourself, whether or not he remembers you. You are looking to him to make you feel good about yourself.
In an ideal situation, you would cut ties completely and stay away from him. No open doors. You are playing with fire keeping doors open to him on any level. However, I know you have strong feelings and that is something you may not feel you have the strength to do at this time. You were a single mom before you met him and you were figuring it out, right? You don’t NEED his help to get through things. You can find other ways to get any kind of help that you need. And he is right…you deserve more than having an affair. Just because there is chemistry, does not mean it should be acted upon. I understand how hard that is though! A guy I have been running into, many times, for the past 3 years….we have an incredible amount of chemistry. Almost all parts of me wanted to jump in and explore the possibilities. But there was something not right and as I got to know him better through several conversations, I saw how much we were different. To this very day, he gives me butterflies every time I see him, but because I have told myself “No! he is not an option. You want more in a relationship than what he has to offer and I am not settling!” over and over and over again until I got it into my system, I now can be okay and not feel that need to go any further than our occasional conversations.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Dana! Great to hear from you!
Okay, let’s see if I can give you some ideas. First off, workouts lasting more than 60 minutes (including warmup) actually have been shown to cause more damage. I am not sure if you are used to working out longer than that. How many days a week do you lift? What are you doing in the morning to take care of Cass? What’s your morning routine with him?
Here are some ideas….is there any possible way for you to do SOME of your workouts at home? What about hiring someone to come walk Cass midmorning? What would it take for you to get to the gym in the evening? I know it’s just not happening, so what is getting in the way?
You don’t suck at change. Your entire life has changed up, so of course it’s going to be difficult to figure all of this out at first. There is a learning curve you gotta get past. The goal is to not lose yourself in the process.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
lol! I love that you were eating some good food! Hopefully you were enjoying the company just as much…
As far as your friend, I must have misunderstood somewhere along the way. Either way, it doesn’t really matter. I was more encouraging you to create your own design since you had commented that you wanted what she had. But it makes more sense now as you just were saying you wanted that kind of deep, sustainable relationship.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
Oh I am so sorry to hear this! This is not about a man’s ego that he isn’t apologetic or feeling bad about his actions. This is HIS personality. If you choose to stay, he will cheat again. He will lie again. The fact that he isn’t feeling bad, hasn’t apologized, he rationalized his choice, he said he can’t choose….all of those things pretty much guarantee that he will cheat again and he felt okay about his choices, even lying to you. I am going to be very blunt here, but he doesn’t really love you in the way that you love him. If he can’t choose between you and this other girl, what kind of love is that??? The reality is, his heart is not really fully invested in your or the relationship. This is not about you, but instead about who he is as a man. He is still very young and has a lot of growing up to do.
If you continue to move forward with him, you will just be teaching him that he could do his worst to you and he still won’t lose you.
Your choice is hard either way. If you leave, you will hurt like crazy. If you stay, you will hurt like crazy because you can’t trust him. Look…no one will ever replace him. That’s not how love works. Your heart is like a tree. The branch that has grown and is connected to him and is full of leaves, now needs to die off. You will love again, but it will be another branch that will grow. It’s not about replacing him, as love is different with every single person. I understand you can’t even imagine this as you are young. I have loved a handful of times in my life. Every single one was different and every single one was VERY fulfilling at the time.
I know you are confused as you are faced with a very difficult decision. If you stay, you are choosing to be with a cheater. If you leave, you have to face the heartbreak.
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I love your honesty! Thank you for sharing your feelings about your “crumple button” (LOVE that phrase) that I triggered. I understand what you are saying and how you feel. I can totally see how what I said would trigger, so I am sorry! Let me explain a little further and see if I can clarify more.
I have no doubt they have a lot of depth with each other. I was more meaning to say that depth is relative and limitless…AND there are many different areas of depth in a relationship. Their choices to live alone and stay in an open relationship will prevent them from going to a certain level of depth in certain categories. However, that does not mean they can’t have a very deep and authentic, growing relationship with each other in all the other categories of depth. There is a level of depth that can be reached when 2 people live in the same space. There is a merging and a unity that can happen when living together. But like you said, that doesn’t mean living together guarantees depth and quality in the other areas of the relationship. Your friends design of how she interacts in relationship works for her. She is happy with what she offer and receives in return and it works for her. All I was saying that you are different. I know on the outside, your friend’s design of how she experiences her relationships looks amazing, but again….you gotta do YOU and find what works for you.
When it comes to Paul, you just are not in enough pain yet to let him go. He does not respect, honor nor value women in general. And that’s okay…he gets to be like that! It sounds like you may need to just keep getting hurt by him until you finally disconnect and block him from your phone and face the hole that is left inside. And that’s okay! I’ve done that more times than I can count. And 100% of the time, I knew what I was getting into and I would get stung again and again until I was finally done with hurting and being used. It’s a rough path and not a very kind thing to do to yourself, but none the less – it is your choice and your life and you are the only one who can say when you are done.
You are behaving EXACTLY like that youtube video I sent. You are in withdrawal and you still reaching out to get your “fix.” It’s hard Eva because he does feel good. AND…you know it’s all false. It’s not an authentic, nourishing feel good…it’s a feel good that is harmful for you. But like I said, if it’s what you want to keep accepting, then you get to do that!
Your goal then, is to keep loving on yourself. Again….go back to the question: What is he doing or giving to me, that I am not willing to do myself???Heidi
Hi Valerie!
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
You are in a really tough situation here. It sounds you both have the beginning of a relationship that has some potential. I don’t think I am going to say anything that you don’t instinctively already know though. The reality is, he is unavailable.
You need to let him face the reality of his choice to keep fighting for a “dead” relationship. You being involved in his life can just make it all last a lot longer. As long as you are in the picture, he gets some of his needs met by having a “friend” who makes him feel good and activate that wonderful chemistry. As long as he is getting some needs met by you, he isn’t fully in the reality of his choice to stay in a marriage that isn’t healthy for him.
You also do not want to be that woman who creates the opportunity for him to cheat. It would be a VERY destructive choice and would most likely shatter any chance of you both exploring a relationship with each other.
He needs to deal with his situation. He needs to face his choices. He needs to be in a enough pain, discomfort or suffering in order to make a different choice, and it’s obvious he is just not there yet…and who knows when he will be. Until that point, it would be the most honorable and kind thing to let go of the idea of him…both for yourself and for him. He is not available for you to explore a relationship with. If you started an affair, it’s pretty much guaranteed to fail, as the relationship is built on lying and will be FULL of all kinds of drama and chaos…AND you would be choosing a guy who breaks his integrity and runs from his problems instead of facing them.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I hope all of this is okay to say and helps bring some clarity.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dayana,
It sounds like you both have not on been on the same page for awhile now. It sounds like you both have some different needs and are not communicating very well about all of it.
He just doesn’t sound very invested in the relationship. Yes, you may have some insecurities, but so does he. Has he ever admitted to wanting to work on that? Has he ever been interested in working on himself so he can be a better partner for you? You said you would work on your insecurities. What was he willing to work on? The challenges in this marriage are not just about you. He contributes and re-enforces the insecurities you feel. Was he willing to work on any of those aspects?
He sounds like the kind of guy that isn’t really willing to do the work. I know you want him to change his mind, but that does not mean your marriage would change. The behaviors would be the same and you both would just continue to go through the same patterns over and over again unless you decided to do something different. Maybe you can make this suggestion, “Before we go through this divorce, would you be willing to see a couples counselor? I understand you are ready to separate and I accept that. I also would like for this ending to be peaceful and respectful to each other. I think going to a counselor would be helpful. I have a lot to learn about being a better partner and having a 3rd party will be helpful to navigate more peacefully through this. Would you be willing to do something like that?”
Is this something that is possible for you both?
Heidi
Hi Jimmie,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know how shocking it is to all of a sudden have everything change and that makes it worse because it doesn’t make any sense.
How long have you been together? How many times have you actually seen each other beyond the 2x when you first met?
Long distance is so tough trying to get to know someone. Reality is, you end up only knowing parts of them, no matter how much you talk and connect. You are now learning about how he handles a stressful situation. You are learning he is not a good communicator. You are learning he has the ability to just cut you off in an instant and not tell you why. You are now learning the avoids talking about all of this. He doesn’t seem to be very well skilled at problem solving. That is a BIG red flag. Imagine that he responds like this whenever a stressful enough situation shows up in his life or your relationship? It’s a lot for you to deal with.
It’s time for you to set some boundaries around this. You are just going along for the ride and letting him do whatever it is that he wants to do. It is okay for you and your feelings to matter. He NEEDS to know that you have boundaries and require him to behave better. He needs to feel your strength and self respect. You can say something like, “Let’s set a date to talk. In that conversation, I want the truth and I want to understand what is happening. By the end of the conversation, I would like to be on the same page of what the next steps forward are. If we are going to break up, then that needs to be clear. If we are going to keep working through this, then let’s make a plan. I am no longer willing to be confused and strung along. It’s time to make a clear decision and create some resolution. When can you talk?”
How does this approach make you feel?
heidi
Hi Ayisat,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. To hear something like that from a friend and then to try to get an answer and have him continually avoid the conversation…is so difficult and painful. He not only broke his integrity, but now he is making wait until “he” is ready to talk about it. No doubt the distance makes all of this much more difficult.
It sounds like no matter what he has done, that you are going to forgive him. You love him and don’t want to lose him. Is this accurate? If yes, I want to caution you. This can teach a him that he can do whatever it is that he wants to do and you will forgive him. Whenever cheating has occurred, the number one way to repair cheating is communication and then creating a plan about how to work through this major break in integrity and re-building trust. I always suggest working with an expert to help the couple navigate through this very difficult terrain. The challenge is you both live apart. How far apart do you live? It’s been 4 years, so is there a plan about when you can come back together? How long were you together before the long distance thing happened?
I’m glad you are taking some space for yourself. The first thing I recommend is to stop texting him about it. I’m not sure if this is how you are communicating with him, but if it is, it is NOT a good way to talk about it. It needs to be face to face and in person if possible. The second thing I recommend is instead of trying to force him on the spot to talk about this, try setting up a date to talk about it. You can say something like, “You know we need to talk. How about I come up this weekend and we sit down and talk this through.” Or “Let’s set a time to talk about this. Are you able to talk on Friday evening?” And set a time that is sooner than later and not a few weeks away. He is being VERY disrespectful and uncaring about you in all of this and you need to set some boundaries around this, so you can exist in this relationship as well vs. just sitting back and letting him tell you “when he feels like it.” That is not okay. If he continues to refuse and avoid setting a time to talk about this, then you have a decision to make. It may have been wonderful for 4 years, but now he is showing you a different side to himself and what he is capable of. It’s important information to know and consider about him.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
