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Hi Lana,
Wow! How interesting that you are re-connecting again after 2 years!
I just have a few questions. Have you guys actually met in person yet, since you re-connected? Is he initiating any texting or is he just responding to your texts?
I wouldn’t put any energy into creating reasons why his answers are so short. I know many people who hate texting or who are super busy, so they just give short answers.
Do you typically have trouble flirting in general? Even in person? Has he flirted with you at all? Can you tell he is attracted to you? Have you guys talked on the phone? How long is he gone for? Do you live in the same place, so you can go on dates when he gets back?
I know it’s a lot of questions…lol
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This makes a lot of sense. It sounds like he most likely buried a lot of his feelings in order to survive his environment, so as he grew older, the anxiety and depression became a problem. Was he able to identify the sources of his anger when working with the therapist in his past?
Depression is actually anger turned inward. What he needs to do is start to move all of those emotions he has stuck inside. I hope that someday he will find the time and money to get some help. Navigating the inner world of emotions is pretty intense, so I always recommend having a guide.
In the meantime, just look up TFT or EFT (2 different tapping techniques) on youtube. There are a ton of videos about how to start dealing with anger. He also needs to start forgiving whoever he is angry at (including himself). Forgiveness is a HUGE aspect of letting go of the anger. Here is just a place to start:
I also suggest coming up with a plan. Tell me what you respond like when he gets angry. What kind of reactions do you have typically?
Heidi
Hi Uma,
I am so sorry this happening. Would you mind sharing more detail?
What exactly is the reason he gave you for wanting to break up? Why do you think he is not happy and wants to back home? What do you guys argue about a lot?
I think the first thing that might be helpful is giving him some space and maybe learning some new skills in the meantime. If he is not happy in his life, learning how to talk about it in a way that opens him up, helps him feel supported and then finding ways to connect him back to himself could really help. I’m not sure what you do to support him through this time. This is the 2nd time this has happened, yes?? I wonder if what’s going on for him. It’s really hard to want to be in a relationship and you are just plain unhappy in your life. Everything becomes very, very hard. So how you respond to his unhappiness can make a really big difference. When you are unhappy, fighting is sometimes easier because you get to feel anger instead of depressed and anger feels more empowering. Does he tend to argue easily, or would you say that it’s coming from you as well?
Heidi
Hi Alila,
I understand why you feel uneasy. You may be overthinking it or you may not be. Most likely, he would have responded. He is going to lie to you, so he can stay safe and not break his word again. Are you positive he broke up? How do you know he actually did it?
The thing is, he may have opened up in that conversation with you and broken it off with the other woman, but it does not change that he has been functioning and living a certain way for awhile now. It doesn’t all of a sudden change 100%. There is going to be the rebound of emotions about now choosing to close the door on the other woman. I’m glad he committed to you, but what has not changed is why he chose to have another woman in the first place. Those reasons still live within him. Those reasons will still end up sabotaging your relationship with him, UNLESS those reasons are identified and worked with.
Would you guys maybe be willing to get some help and guidance through this re-building process? Maybe you guys can go through a book together or attend a weekend seminar together. There are some things that need to be addressed, acknowledged and new skills to be learned so you don’t end up in the same exact pattern as before. If you guys do nothing and do not actively work on healing your relationship and yourselves, you will just end up right back where you started.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morag,
I am wondering, what more information do you need in order to make a decision to stay in this design or leave? Whatever he is “going to hell for” do you really think that will change your feelings for him? What if he does open up and tell you something like that? Do you really think that will change how much he ghosts and is unavailable?
My guess is, if he opens up like that, you are going to think….”maybe he will continue to slowly up more and more and then I will get in.”
That’s a dangerous, heartbreaking rode to go down. He has walls up for a reason. Do you really want to work that hard? It only gets harder, the longer you stay. If he believes he is “going to hell” that means he is carrying around some pretty heavy guilt about something and that is a HUGE barrier, in and of itself. You said he is an unhappy man. You really want to choose to be with an unhappy man?I also wonder is your attraction to him is because he is unavailable. Do you have a pattern of dating men that not very emotionally available? Since you are now experiencing the desire to have something more serious and deep, tell me about the type of guy you would like to have that experience with?
I understand you are not ready to let go yet and of course that’s okay too. It’s CRUCIAL you just accept him for who he is. Asking for more than what he offers means you are taking the chase away from him. He is on the page of just wanting sex. I know Kanya said it’s not just sex to him, which I would agree in the sense that he still wants conversation and having some fun as well. He needs to like you. If it were just sex, it would just be sex and getting to know you wouldn’t matter to him. BUT…he is VERY FAR from being relationship ready. Do you think there is a possibility he is in a relationship already? I only ask because a survey showed that OVER 50% of the people on Tinder were already in a serious relationship. How he ghosts and goes away so much for work, he may have a lady living somewhere else and maybe that is what he feels he is “going to hell for” Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
This is definitely not a fun characteristic to deal with. How long have you been dating? How much do you feel connected to this guy? Is he just fun for you, or are you wanting something more serious with him? Do you know what his mindset about you is?
Sadly, this has nothing to do with his age. It is just who he is. It will only continue to get worse as he ages. Something deep down is making him angry, so until he really deals with it, it’s just going to fester and grow.
Do you know much about his past? Have you guys ever talked about his anger openly? Is he aware of why he is like that? Would he be willing to get some help? There also is a possibility he has a disorder like Bipolar and medication would be needed to help him stabilize. Maybe read up on that disorder and see if you recognize any other symptoms that he may have.
It’s important for you to really accept who he is. He deserves that. He doesn’t need to be a with a woman who wants to change him and you don’t need to be with a man you want to change. He is who he is. If HE wants to change and work on how he responds in his life, then great! Otherwise, if you choose to stay with him, that means you get to deal with his moods.
It’s not about being “perfect” as nobody is. What it’s about is finding someone who you feel safe with, connected to and respected in all situations, no matter their mood. Here is the guideline I like to use: I look to see how someone treats me in their worst moments. I watch how they treat themselves and other people. If they treat me and others with respect, no matter how angry or hurt they are, then I know this is someone I can build a future with. Truth is, all the other stuff is easy. I need to know that in the worst moments, their choices are to still stay respectful. I expect the same of myself of course. Dr. John Gottman did a 20 year study asking the question…”What makes a relationship work and be happy long term?” 1 common thing he found was that was needed for a long term relationship to work and be happy was that the couple respected each other, even during arguments. From a ton of experience of working with people, along with my own situations, I completely align with that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I am soooo so sorry! I understand you have feelings for him, but remember your desire for things to go back the way they were, is all a lie. He has lied several times already and you haven’t even hung out together. So whatever was happening before this event, is not authentic.
I understand how good it feels to have someone attracted to you. It’s important that despite how good it feels, you also align with your standards.
Tell me what kind of guy you would like to have in your life? How does he treat you? How do you feel around him?
As far as confronting him, what do you hope to accomplish by doing that? What do you think will happen if you say something? What do you think will happen if you don’t say something?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand how hard this is. I want to encourage you to not take the blame for all of this. You have done nothing wrong or bad. You are just being yourself and that is enough. He is also being himself and sometimes, figuring out if it works, takes a lot of time. It really can be that simple.
Your friend is right. He most likely went into his “cave” to process everything the way he does and he will come out when he feels like it. Leave him be. Let him come to you. If you keep contacting him, he will feel you like you are invading his “cave space” and will retract even more. You don’t have enough information about anything to know what is happening. Unfortunately, you have to just wait and see what happens. Don’t create a story around what is happening when you don’t have any of the facts. It’s hard…I know. You have to sit in this very uncomfortable place of not knowing, but that is the reality of the kind of guy he is.
Going online won’t distract you very well. Good movies, a good book, visiting a pet store, hanging out with some good friends, go to a comedy show…those kinds of things are what will help, not trying to date when you just aren’t in the space for it. What kinds of fun things can you do? What kinds of things have you never done before? Ballroom dancing? Cooking class? Painting? Anything that can activate your creativity is very healing…
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I love all your updates! Thank you for sharing all of that and keeping us part of your process.
Let’s talk about this guilt. Tell me more about it. What do you think would change if you had told him you were blocking him?
I’m glad you are able to connect into how grossly inappropriate all his sexting was when you were trying to be a friend. Yuk! He has no interest in knowing you, being emotionally intimate with you, wanting to know what makes you tick, the depth of who you are. He is just about sex. And that’s okay…he gets to be and he will find ladies that will align with that. That is not who you are anymore. You want to create a more meaningful experience and that means continuing to say no to anything that doesn’t align with what you want.
You guild is just a cover up, so let’s get to the core of it. Your guilt has nothing to do with him, it’s about you and your beliefs and perceptions. Have you been able to forgive yourself about your parents and release the guilt about them?
heidi
Hi Dana!
There you are!!! You should read your first few lines a couple of times. Do you see how solid you sound? How strong you feel? Even though you have anxiety, you are strong and solid too!!! You WILL figure all of this out and Cass is a perfect companion to inspire you to become more of who you are!
Yes, I would avoid contacting him. I know there is still a part of you that would take him back. Truth is, you could. Your life is your design. You would get hurt again, but maybe that is what you need. Sometimes people just need a lot of pain to finally say NO MORE! Or…you can decide to invest all of your thoughts and energy in a new vision. A life with Cass and a guy who is attentive, present, wanting to know you and Cass without hesitation. There is such a guy out there, but you need to believe you are worth that first. One of the ways you know whether or not you believe you are worth it or not, is by looking at the choices you make. If you take Helio back, then you obviously don’t believe you deserve your dream guy quite yet. By saying no to Helio, despite your feelings, you are saying to yourself, “I am worth the best. I am worth fighting for. I am worth loving and no one may enter into my heart unless they align with that.”
What do you want to communicate to yourself?
Heidi
Hi Kyla,
First, it would be a good idea to start to create a new vision for yourself. We never do really well ending something without replacing it with something new. You are ending a vision with him, now you need to create a new vision for yourself. It’s times like these, that I have found movies really helpful (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun), watching youtube motivational videos, reading books that give me a good brain break and I fill my life with some fun things….maybe go to a pet store and check out the animals, go to a comedy show (laughter is healing), go out dancing, try something you have never done before (i.e. paint a mug or bowl – there are place out there that have pre-made stuff and provide everything and you just go in and paint and have fun!) Go buy some flowers and put them around your house, make extra plans with your girlfriends and lean on them right now.
Second, I recommend blocking when there is too much contact post breakup. Some people are not able to fully separate and they keep texting each other. So blocking is always a good idea when you feel you cannot control yourself or he keeps reaching out. Do you need to explain your reasons? No. You have broken up now, therefore you no longer owe him any explanations about what you are doing. Do whatever you need to do to heal. Whenever you feel yourself being pulled back into him, honor that part and pay attention to it AND remind yourself of why he is not a man who can be in a relationship.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
HI Eva,
Great to hear from you! Gosh, sitting at a popular café every Tuesday, watching the world go by with your friends….it just sounds like perfection!!! You are doing such a great job! I love that you have some good friends to remind you about who you are and love you! You need all of that right now during this transformation time!!!
As far as reaching out to Paul to let him know you cut him off, he will get the point. When you no longer are responding, he will figure out that you are REALLY done this time. If he happens to ask where you are at some point when you interact about business stuff, you simply say “I felt that our interactions were just not what I needed anymore, so I’ve stopped responding. That’s all. No big deal.” and leave it at that and get back to business.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow Dana! This is such a wonderful update!!!! You now sound very aligned. You sound committed, you have made a decision and you are sticking to it. That’s what needed to happen! You have a plan and you are gathering more information. That is wonderful!!!! yayaya! I’m really excited for you!
as far as the leash thing, think of that leash as a direct line into him from you. What you are feeling, he is feeling. From what you are saying, it sounds like you have some fear about how he will react to other people and dogs (rightly so, as he has been unpredicatable) so when you feel any kind of hesitation, he will instantly pick that up. Remember that you are the pack leader. Dogs need a pack leader. The moment the pack leader waivers, on any level, another dog will step up and become the leader. So essentially, if he senses that you are nervous on any level, he will step up and become the pack leader do whatever he needs to do. They are that sensitive!!!! They instantly will reflect back to you what is happening inside of you. It’s magical! So start to pay attention to yourself and what you are thinking / feeling when you are on leash with him and see how adjusting your thoughts and feelings affect him. Cesar Milan has a TON of videos about this stuff online…just look on youtube. It’s a great place to start.
I’m glad you are getting to the gym. Again, another reflection of how he responds when you feel balanced and at peace within yourself after a workout. Another thought…why not just have a protein bar in the car on your way home from work, walk Cass, feed him and then leave for the gym. That way you can get there earlier and get home earlier and then eat dinner after working out.
It’s not surprising about Helio. How are you feeling about it, now being a few days later? Are you feeling the pull back towards him?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Thank you for sharing more information! It sounds like having his son and ex wife created a lot of stress for him on a certain level.
Even though you guys don’t argue a lot, when you do argue, it’s not in a healthy way. You don’t exist for him. He does what he wants without caring about how it affects you. How he argues is not going to be fixed from a simple conversation. It’s important you get realistic about this. How people argue comes from whatever coping mechanism we learned as a child. I’m sure his response to confrontation or upset has been exactly the same for decades. I’m sure he has had people along the way confront him about it. In order to change how he argues, that means really dealing with what is happening for him, his beliefs about confrontation and what he believes about himself, the other person etc. It’s a deep, very rooted issue. If he is going to change at all, first and foremost he needs to care that he is hurting, and care enough that he is willing to work on it. He needs to read some books, develop new skills and really allow you to exist when he is under that kind of stress. No matter what you said 3 months ago, it will all go out the window once the stress shows up again and there is an argument.All you can really do, is work on yourself. You cannot change him or how he treats you. He is who he is until he decides to be different. So let’s work on what you can do to help yourself exist when there is an argument. Can you share an example of how you confront him, some examples of things you say to him during that time? When you guys argue, is there a tipping point where he goes away? Meaning, does he stay open, even for just a little bit before he goes cold? What do you do when he pulls away or blames you for the situation?
The book I recommended is about helping you understand what you need from him. Because it is written for men, it speaks in a way that men understand. Why I recommend it for women is because it helps them better communicate their needs in a way that a man understands. It can help you find the words to say to him what EXACTLY you need from him. Because men and women thing and feel and operate very differently, we try to communicate with each other and there is just a big gap that ends up happening. This book could help you frame your needs in a way that would make sense to your guy.
Heidi
