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Hi Uma,
The decision is up to you. You are the one the knows the situation better than us, so ultimately, how this plays out relies on your instincts and what you feel comfortable with. You can always add to what Kanya said by saying, “You don’t need to respond to this. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…..” Maybe that will make you feel more comfortable.
On the other hand, giving him another week, a week without you contacting him, can help give him some breathing room and make him feel his life without you in it. So when you text him in another week or 2, he will be happier to hear from you and more open to receive what you are saying.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand you are feeling sick about this. It hurts like crazy. My guess is, you are feeling sick because you are living in this very unknown space of not knowing what is happening. You are wanting him to address what happened and instead he is pretending everything is okay.
How do you feel about setting up a conversation to talk about it? What if you said something like, “Do you feel ready to talk about what happened the other day? I feel like some things need to be said and figured out. How about dinner tonight? I’ll make us a good, yummy meal.”
Right now, you are making up a whole story in your head about what is happening in your relationship and you haven’t even talked to him yet. Your story could be true, but it also could not be true. Don’t allow yourself to determine what is happening in the relationship based on how you are feeling. Your feelings are NOT facts. You need to talk to him and get the facts from him.
Do you feel like you can do this?
Heidi
Hi Charlene,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggle with us. Let’s see if we can walk you through this.
First and foremost, the reality of dating means that people are going to get hurt and there is just no way around that. Dating involves rejection. Breaking someone’s heart is NEVER a comfortable thing to do, because it’s not supposed to be. In order to respect yourself and others though, it is just something that has to be done.
Now about your situation, how about sharing more details. How long have you been dating these guys? Do they know you are still dating other people? Is there any guy in particular that you extra attracted to? Or is there a guy you KNOW would not last long term? What exactly is causing you distress? 3 guys is a lot to manage. Heck, 1 guy is a lot to manage.
If you are trying to figure out a way to stop dating a guy without hurting him, that is just not possible when he has strong feelings for you. So your goal would be, connecting to the truth instead of the fear of hurting him. The truth is that he will okay. The truth is that he will recover. The truth is that is a grown man, has most likely had a broken heart before and he will heal. The truth is, you are doing him a kindness by releasing him to go find what he is REALLY looking for, which is a mutual connection.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
This is spectacular!!! I’m sorry it has turned out this way, but the best gift you are getting out of this, is how valuable you are. You set some boundaries internally for yourself and you are aligning with a decision of how you want to be treated. This whole thing has just made you that much stronger on the inside. I am really proud of you and I hope you really get how much courage and strength it took for you to say NO to someone who had feelings for. Confronting him was not even necessary. It has all turned out really well. You get to say to no to him, to his face AND he gets to watch other men pay attention to you! WONDERFUL! I am glad you are using those techniques…they should be used on everybody. It’s good stuff!
How are you feeling about everything? Do you feel resolved? Do you still feel like you have feelings for him and there might still be an open door for him?
Heidi
Oops…pressed return too soon.
Flirting is inspired by how you are feeling. It’s about how he makes you feel AND it’s about how you feel about yourself. Do you feel sexy? Do you feel like you are good catch? Do you feel like you are worth getting to know and be around? Do you feel like he would be lucky to go on a date with you??
Heidi
Hi Lana,
Wow! How interesting that you are re-connecting again after 2 years!
I just have a few questions. Have you guys actually met in person yet, since you re-connected? Is he initiating any texting or is he just responding to your texts?
I wouldn’t put any energy into creating reasons why his answers are so short. I know many people who hate texting or who are super busy, so they just give short answers.
Do you typically have trouble flirting in general? Even in person? Has he flirted with you at all? Can you tell he is attracted to you? Have you guys talked on the phone? How long is he gone for? Do you live in the same place, so you can go on dates when he gets back?
I know it’s a lot of questions…lol
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
This makes a lot of sense. It sounds like he most likely buried a lot of his feelings in order to survive his environment, so as he grew older, the anxiety and depression became a problem. Was he able to identify the sources of his anger when working with the therapist in his past?
Depression is actually anger turned inward. What he needs to do is start to move all of those emotions he has stuck inside. I hope that someday he will find the time and money to get some help. Navigating the inner world of emotions is pretty intense, so I always recommend having a guide.
In the meantime, just look up TFT or EFT (2 different tapping techniques) on youtube. There are a ton of videos about how to start dealing with anger. He also needs to start forgiving whoever he is angry at (including himself). Forgiveness is a HUGE aspect of letting go of the anger. Here is just a place to start:
I also suggest coming up with a plan. Tell me what you respond like when he gets angry. What kind of reactions do you have typically?
Heidi
Hi Uma,
I am so sorry this happening. Would you mind sharing more detail?
What exactly is the reason he gave you for wanting to break up? Why do you think he is not happy and wants to back home? What do you guys argue about a lot?
I think the first thing that might be helpful is giving him some space and maybe learning some new skills in the meantime. If he is not happy in his life, learning how to talk about it in a way that opens him up, helps him feel supported and then finding ways to connect him back to himself could really help. I’m not sure what you do to support him through this time. This is the 2nd time this has happened, yes?? I wonder if what’s going on for him. It’s really hard to want to be in a relationship and you are just plain unhappy in your life. Everything becomes very, very hard. So how you respond to his unhappiness can make a really big difference. When you are unhappy, fighting is sometimes easier because you get to feel anger instead of depressed and anger feels more empowering. Does he tend to argue easily, or would you say that it’s coming from you as well?
Heidi
Hi Alila,
I understand why you feel uneasy. You may be overthinking it or you may not be. Most likely, he would have responded. He is going to lie to you, so he can stay safe and not break his word again. Are you positive he broke up? How do you know he actually did it?
The thing is, he may have opened up in that conversation with you and broken it off with the other woman, but it does not change that he has been functioning and living a certain way for awhile now. It doesn’t all of a sudden change 100%. There is going to be the rebound of emotions about now choosing to close the door on the other woman. I’m glad he committed to you, but what has not changed is why he chose to have another woman in the first place. Those reasons still live within him. Those reasons will still end up sabotaging your relationship with him, UNLESS those reasons are identified and worked with.
Would you guys maybe be willing to get some help and guidance through this re-building process? Maybe you guys can go through a book together or attend a weekend seminar together. There are some things that need to be addressed, acknowledged and new skills to be learned so you don’t end up in the same exact pattern as before. If you guys do nothing and do not actively work on healing your relationship and yourselves, you will just end up right back where you started.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Morag,
I am wondering, what more information do you need in order to make a decision to stay in this design or leave? Whatever he is “going to hell for” do you really think that will change your feelings for him? What if he does open up and tell you something like that? Do you really think that will change how much he ghosts and is unavailable?
My guess is, if he opens up like that, you are going to think….”maybe he will continue to slowly up more and more and then I will get in.”
That’s a dangerous, heartbreaking rode to go down. He has walls up for a reason. Do you really want to work that hard? It only gets harder, the longer you stay. If he believes he is “going to hell” that means he is carrying around some pretty heavy guilt about something and that is a HUGE barrier, in and of itself. You said he is an unhappy man. You really want to choose to be with an unhappy man?I also wonder is your attraction to him is because he is unavailable. Do you have a pattern of dating men that not very emotionally available? Since you are now experiencing the desire to have something more serious and deep, tell me about the type of guy you would like to have that experience with?
I understand you are not ready to let go yet and of course that’s okay too. It’s CRUCIAL you just accept him for who he is. Asking for more than what he offers means you are taking the chase away from him. He is on the page of just wanting sex. I know Kanya said it’s not just sex to him, which I would agree in the sense that he still wants conversation and having some fun as well. He needs to like you. If it were just sex, it would just be sex and getting to know you wouldn’t matter to him. BUT…he is VERY FAR from being relationship ready. Do you think there is a possibility he is in a relationship already? I only ask because a survey showed that OVER 50% of the people on Tinder were already in a serious relationship. How he ghosts and goes away so much for work, he may have a lady living somewhere else and maybe that is what he feels he is “going to hell for” Just a thought…
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
This is definitely not a fun characteristic to deal with. How long have you been dating? How much do you feel connected to this guy? Is he just fun for you, or are you wanting something more serious with him? Do you know what his mindset about you is?
Sadly, this has nothing to do with his age. It is just who he is. It will only continue to get worse as he ages. Something deep down is making him angry, so until he really deals with it, it’s just going to fester and grow.
Do you know much about his past? Have you guys ever talked about his anger openly? Is he aware of why he is like that? Would he be willing to get some help? There also is a possibility he has a disorder like Bipolar and medication would be needed to help him stabilize. Maybe read up on that disorder and see if you recognize any other symptoms that he may have.
It’s important for you to really accept who he is. He deserves that. He doesn’t need to be a with a woman who wants to change him and you don’t need to be with a man you want to change. He is who he is. If HE wants to change and work on how he responds in his life, then great! Otherwise, if you choose to stay with him, that means you get to deal with his moods.
It’s not about being “perfect” as nobody is. What it’s about is finding someone who you feel safe with, connected to and respected in all situations, no matter their mood. Here is the guideline I like to use: I look to see how someone treats me in their worst moments. I watch how they treat themselves and other people. If they treat me and others with respect, no matter how angry or hurt they are, then I know this is someone I can build a future with. Truth is, all the other stuff is easy. I need to know that in the worst moments, their choices are to still stay respectful. I expect the same of myself of course. Dr. John Gottman did a 20 year study asking the question…”What makes a relationship work and be happy long term?” 1 common thing he found was that was needed for a long term relationship to work and be happy was that the couple respected each other, even during arguments. From a ton of experience of working with people, along with my own situations, I completely align with that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I am soooo so sorry! I understand you have feelings for him, but remember your desire for things to go back the way they were, is all a lie. He has lied several times already and you haven’t even hung out together. So whatever was happening before this event, is not authentic.
I understand how good it feels to have someone attracted to you. It’s important that despite how good it feels, you also align with your standards.
Tell me what kind of guy you would like to have in your life? How does he treat you? How do you feel around him?
As far as confronting him, what do you hope to accomplish by doing that? What do you think will happen if you say something? What do you think will happen if you don’t say something?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand how hard this is. I want to encourage you to not take the blame for all of this. You have done nothing wrong or bad. You are just being yourself and that is enough. He is also being himself and sometimes, figuring out if it works, takes a lot of time. It really can be that simple.
Your friend is right. He most likely went into his “cave” to process everything the way he does and he will come out when he feels like it. Leave him be. Let him come to you. If you keep contacting him, he will feel you like you are invading his “cave space” and will retract even more. You don’t have enough information about anything to know what is happening. Unfortunately, you have to just wait and see what happens. Don’t create a story around what is happening when you don’t have any of the facts. It’s hard…I know. You have to sit in this very uncomfortable place of not knowing, but that is the reality of the kind of guy he is.
Going online won’t distract you very well. Good movies, a good book, visiting a pet store, hanging out with some good friends, go to a comedy show…those kinds of things are what will help, not trying to date when you just aren’t in the space for it. What kinds of fun things can you do? What kinds of things have you never done before? Ballroom dancing? Cooking class? Painting? Anything that can activate your creativity is very healing…
Heidi
Hi Eva,
I love all your updates! Thank you for sharing all of that and keeping us part of your process.
Let’s talk about this guilt. Tell me more about it. What do you think would change if you had told him you were blocking him?
I’m glad you are able to connect into how grossly inappropriate all his sexting was when you were trying to be a friend. Yuk! He has no interest in knowing you, being emotionally intimate with you, wanting to know what makes you tick, the depth of who you are. He is just about sex. And that’s okay…he gets to be and he will find ladies that will align with that. That is not who you are anymore. You want to create a more meaningful experience and that means continuing to say no to anything that doesn’t align with what you want.
You guild is just a cover up, so let’s get to the core of it. Your guilt has nothing to do with him, it’s about you and your beliefs and perceptions. Have you been able to forgive yourself about your parents and release the guilt about them?
heidi
