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Hi Dayanna,
We haven’t heard from you in awhile, so I thought I would check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments in your relationship? Any other questions or things we can help you with?
Heidi
Hi Lana,
We haven’t heard back from you, so I thought I would just check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts on what I suggested? Would you like other ideas? Any new developments in your situation?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I’m wondering if you guys have brainstormed at all about how to better handle his anger so it’s less stressful. Have you guys talked about any options? Does he know how serious and stressful this is for you? I know you are not at the point of leaving the relationship, but I imagine you are uncomfortable enough that your tolerance is reaching its limit. Does he know this? Sometimes, the fear of losing someone can be a really great motivator for change.
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Thank you for sharing more. I’m so sorry about how you are feeling right now. You keep reaching out to him and he just isn’t responding in a way that makes you feel cared for, important to him and valuable in his life….and I know that’s what you want to feel with him. It hurts. Even though he is responding, HOW he is responding is actually more rejecting than if you hadn’t messaged him at all. I know how much it hurts your heart.
The most you can do is to deal with yourself right now, as you cannot change him. He is who he is and right now, he is not “caring” about you in a way that feels good. So what can you do to comfort yourself right now? Do you have some good friends you can hang out with and connect with? Movies are good “brain breaks” and can be a good distraction for a few hours. Go visit a pet store and connect with the animals, write in a journal, go buy a handful of flowers and place them around your place to beautify it, you can go to the gym and workout to get the endorphins going to help you feel good. Do you have any hobbies?
It’s really important for you to connect with yourself right now and nurture your hurting heart, instead of turning to him to make you feel better. He is causing you to hurt more, not less. Does this make sense?As far as your communication style, what are you saying or doing that would make that guys think you don’t trust them? When you initially blow up, do you just yell, or do you say mean things….or both?
One of the first guidelines I use when communicating my hurt feelings with anyone, is I make sure I do not blame them for how I am feeling. You want to use “I” statements, not “you” statements and then I get curious and ask more questions about their feelings. Many times, people mis-interpret meanings behind things, so it’s always good to get clarity and make sure you are both on the same exact page before moving forward. For example, if my guy said something that hurt my feelings, I would say something like, “When you said that, it made me feel angry and upset. I feel hurt and sad that you don’t trust me to do what I say I’m going to do. I would like to understand this more, so can you give me some examples of why you feel this way?”
A typical formula that works really well is “When you do or said………, it caused me to feel……” It’s a cause and effect statement which men understand really well. The blaming statements that cause them to get defensive sound like this “You did this” and “you are that.” The deeper truth is, nobody makes you feel anything. A guy can say something and 1 girl will react and be hurt and the next girl could care less and not have a reaction. The reactions we personally have to each situation, tells us a story about what lives deep inside us, in our subconscious. So really, our reactions to what someone says, are OUR responsibility. The person who triggers us is just the person who happened to push the button, but it’s not their fault the button is there in the first place. The button is there in the first place, because it represents old, unresolved hurt feelings from your past. And that’s why blaming someone else how you feel, isn’t appropriate. It’s putting all of your baggage onto them, when it is not theirs to have. Does this makes sense?
Heidi
Uma! You rock! You are taking very good care of yourself! Well done!
I imagine in a few weeks, if he doesn’t end up re-connecting again, it might scare you and trigger a real breakup response. But we can deal with that if that even shows up. It may not. Otherwise, keeping yourself busy, nourishing yourself, laughing, friends….everything you are doing is fantastic!!!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Of course it’s stressful! He is a loose cannon and for you to constantly have to shift and change your plans because he cannot manage his emotions…it’s a lot. I imagine even his apologies are getting tired. When someone says they are sorry over and over and over again for same exact thing, you start to get sick of the apology and need ACTION to shift the behavior, not words.Again, this is a learned behavior along with some very deep emotions that live within him constantly…and it affects you of course, as it’s supposed to. I wonder if you changed your approach to this, if it would work better for you. I imagine you know the signs of when he is starting to boil. What if you walked away at that point BEFORE he says anything? What if you only engage with him when he is quiet? What if you don’t say your peace before you walk away, but instead, get away sooner so you don’t have to be verbally abused and accosted by him?
Or maybe you guys can sit down, when everything is peaceful and quiet, maybe go out to a nice romantic dinner and create a plan together. Figure out a process to get through those moments. When he notices he is starting to head down that path, what ACTION can he take to calm himself down? Maybe he can start tapping, maybe he can give you a code word so you know the anger is beginning, maybe he can count to 50, maybe he can walk away for a few minutes to gain composure. Talk about what you can do as well? What code word can you give him when you are noticing he is heading down that path?
Here is the reality though Melissa. You are have chosen an angry man who is not taking responsibility through ACTION to change what is happening for him. He has A LOT he is carrying around in his psyche and it is not something he can just change through behavior…he needs help of some kind. Doing something like tapping can help for sure, but I wonder if he is even willing to do that. So my question to you is, how long are you willing to be in a relationship like this? What is keeping you connected to a verbally abusive man? What is happening within you that you choose to stay with a man that is so angry?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand the advice of your male friend. Here is real sad thing though. You don’t feel you can be honest with your guy. You don’t get to be you with him. You don’t get to be authentic. You don’t have a guy who has an interest about how he is affecting you. You don’t have a guy who is fighting for you. Instead is his ignoring everything and pretending it’s all okay, when it isn’t.
I know you have strong feelings for him and want him back. I want to ask you again…is this really what you want? This pattern of his will only continue throughout his life. Unless he decides to change at some point and really work on caring more about the other person when conflict arises, he will continue to get worse as he ages. This is really what you want? This is the kind of partnership you want to be a part of?
On your side of things, there is a way to talk through things without causing someone to feel “pressured” and not to over analyze a situation. If you go in guns blazing, of course there is going to be kickback. Is that normally how you would approach conflict with him? Is that your communications style? Let’s work on your approach as well, because at some point, it’s going to be necessary to talk to him.
Heidi
Hi Charlene,
That was fast! It sounds like maybe all you needed was permission to do what you already know you needed to do. So your decision is to end is with 2 of them? Do you need some help with how to go about it?
Heidi
Hi Eva,
Thank you for sharing all of that! You really have a lot going on right now.
My first question is, what are you doing when those thoughts about Paul keep coming up? Reality is, feelings don’t just disappear and go away. If you are expecting that just because you know he isn’t a healthy experience for you, your feelings should follow suit and disappear, you are mistaken and your expectations are unrealistic. That is why soooooo many people that break up, will end up getting back together again…and sometimes they go through that cycle many times. So what are you doing when you start to obsessively think about Paul? What ACTION are you taking to counteract your thoughts about him?
We can’t answer the exact “why” about why are not able to let him go, but my educated guess is that yes, it has to do with wounded energy. I’m so so sorry to hear about your uncle and what he did with you. Well done for speaking up!!! Did your parents ever do anything about it??? What was their reaction?? Whenever there are unresolved feelings in our lives and those get buried, they become part of our unconscious and a strong driving force in our decision making process and how we feel about ourselves and others. I know for me, whenever I have found myself being pulled into a guy that I KNOW is not healthy for me, I immediately start finding that part of myself wanting to get the attention from an unavailable man, and I discover the woundedness. Once I resolve the woundedness, I then am able to align myself easier with what my higher self wants. Being attracted to an unavailable man who treated you like a sex object is just a symptom of some deep feelings that are coming from your subconscious. If you really want to work on healing those parts, it would be good to find a coach or therapist who can help guide you through the process. They can help you heal the guilt you still feel about your parents. Basically, you are carrying a crap load of heavier emotions that carry a bunch of lies and negative beliefs. All of that influences how you show up in life, the people you are attracted to, how you feel about yourself etc. Does this answer your questions??As far as the new guy, considering you are still not complete about Paul, I think it would be smart to communicate that you are only interested in friendship. If you hop into another experience, even slowly, without resolving this thing with Paul in your heart and mind, you just create more mess for yourself. You want to honor and respect the other person as well. Imagine you really started to like this guy and you went out on several dates, shared a lot of information and although things are going slow, you started to really connect with him…only to find out he isn’t over his ex and isn’t really available for you. That would suck!!!
So as you get to know this new guy, it might be a good idea to let him know friendship is what you are offering right now. Thoughts?Heidi
Hi Uma,
That sounds like a good plan. In the meantime, let’s work on how you are feeling. Share with us some of your thoughts and feelings about what is happening. Let’s talk this through. Most times in a breakup, the person creates a story around what has happened and ends up having a lot of thoughts about themselves, the other person and the situation. They turn their emotions into “facts” and that can be very dangerous. What’s important for you in the next few weeks, is to get yourself grounded in the truth, take care of yourself and really connect into what you need right now. So we would love to help you through all of that as well.
Heidi
Hi Uma,
The decision is up to you. You are the one the knows the situation better than us, so ultimately, how this plays out relies on your instincts and what you feel comfortable with. You can always add to what Kanya said by saying, “You don’t need to respond to this. I just wanted to say I’m sorry for…..” Maybe that will make you feel more comfortable.
On the other hand, giving him another week, a week without you contacting him, can help give him some breathing room and make him feel his life without you in it. So when you text him in another week or 2, he will be happier to hear from you and more open to receive what you are saying.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand you are feeling sick about this. It hurts like crazy. My guess is, you are feeling sick because you are living in this very unknown space of not knowing what is happening. You are wanting him to address what happened and instead he is pretending everything is okay.
How do you feel about setting up a conversation to talk about it? What if you said something like, “Do you feel ready to talk about what happened the other day? I feel like some things need to be said and figured out. How about dinner tonight? I’ll make us a good, yummy meal.”
Right now, you are making up a whole story in your head about what is happening in your relationship and you haven’t even talked to him yet. Your story could be true, but it also could not be true. Don’t allow yourself to determine what is happening in the relationship based on how you are feeling. Your feelings are NOT facts. You need to talk to him and get the facts from him.
Do you feel like you can do this?
Heidi
Hi Charlene,
Welcome! We are glad you are here and sharing your struggle with us. Let’s see if we can walk you through this.
First and foremost, the reality of dating means that people are going to get hurt and there is just no way around that. Dating involves rejection. Breaking someone’s heart is NEVER a comfortable thing to do, because it’s not supposed to be. In order to respect yourself and others though, it is just something that has to be done.
Now about your situation, how about sharing more details. How long have you been dating these guys? Do they know you are still dating other people? Is there any guy in particular that you extra attracted to? Or is there a guy you KNOW would not last long term? What exactly is causing you distress? 3 guys is a lot to manage. Heck, 1 guy is a lot to manage.
If you are trying to figure out a way to stop dating a guy without hurting him, that is just not possible when he has strong feelings for you. So your goal would be, connecting to the truth instead of the fear of hurting him. The truth is that he will okay. The truth is that he will recover. The truth is that is a grown man, has most likely had a broken heart before and he will heal. The truth is, you are doing him a kindness by releasing him to go find what he is REALLY looking for, which is a mutual connection.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
This is spectacular!!! I’m sorry it has turned out this way, but the best gift you are getting out of this, is how valuable you are. You set some boundaries internally for yourself and you are aligning with a decision of how you want to be treated. This whole thing has just made you that much stronger on the inside. I am really proud of you and I hope you really get how much courage and strength it took for you to say NO to someone who had feelings for. Confronting him was not even necessary. It has all turned out really well. You get to say to no to him, to his face AND he gets to watch other men pay attention to you! WONDERFUL! I am glad you are using those techniques…they should be used on everybody. It’s good stuff!
How are you feeling about everything? Do you feel resolved? Do you still feel like you have feelings for him and there might still be an open door for him?
Heidi
Oops…pressed return too soon.
Flirting is inspired by how you are feeling. It’s about how he makes you feel AND it’s about how you feel about yourself. Do you feel sexy? Do you feel like you are good catch? Do you feel like you are worth getting to know and be around? Do you feel like he would be lucky to go on a date with you??
Heidi
